Chapter 8: Things I Love About You
'It was that smile. The first time I saw it,
I knew I wanted to see it for the rest of
my life.'
[D. Jones]
January 2018
The ringing of her phone almost went unheard. Erin was tempted to ignore it. But when her eyes saw the time, she bounced up in bed quicker than she ever had in her life. Erin scrambled for the phone as it rang once more, whisper-yelling as she answered.
"What's going on, Hank?"
"I need you to get down to Chicago Med as soon as you can. It's Jay."
Those words felt like a bucket of ice water being poured down her back. Jay. She had tried not to wonder too hard about her fiancée – in the eight months that he'd been gone, she had slowly adjusted to life without him. There was always that fear in the back of her mind, the pessimist inside of her telling her that he was never coming home; but she kept faith that he would make it back home to her, safe and sound.
She was beginning to feel that hope fading away.
"What do you mean. What's happened?"
"Team finally got the intel they needed to move in. They conducted an arrest tonight, Jay was supposed to get brought in with the rest of them to keep suspicions down. I'm not sure of all the details right now, but he got caught in the crosshairs somehow. He's been shot. They're bringing him in to Med now. Will and I are waiting for him to arrive." Hank explained.
Erin felt all the air leave her lungs. Jay; her partner, her fiancée, her best friend, the love of her fucking life; had been shot and was on his way to the hospital.
"Is he alive?" Erin whispered down the line.
"They said he's stable for now. I don't really have any details beyond that. I'm sorry kid."
"I'll be there as soon as I can." Erin hung up the phone and scrambled out of bed.
She pulled on the first pair of pants she could find, slipped into a pair of shoes and frantically grabbed her bag. She was looking for her keys when a soft, small voice stopped her in her tracks.
"Are you going somewhere?"
Everly stood in the doorway, rubbing her tired eyes. Erin felt her body fill with guilt - in all the chaos of events, she had forgotten about the little girl living in her guest room. Erin rushed over to her, holding the young girl by her shoulders.
"Oh Ev, I'm sorry I woke you sweetie." Erin spoke softly "Look, something's come up and I have to go to the hospital."
Evie's eyes widened, suddenly more awake "Are you okay?" She asked panicked.
"I'm fine, I'm okay." She promised "You remember my partner Jay? The one I told you about? He's been hurt, and I need to be there for him."
"I want to come with you." Everly says, hugging Erin tightly.
Erin sighs, stroking the little girl's hair "I know you do, but I could be a while. And the hospital's not a fun place to hang around. So, I'm going to drop you off with Kim so you can sleep tonight, and then she'll bring you back here tomorrow. I'll meet you here in the morning, how does that sound?"
"I don't want you to be alone."
"You're so sweet, Evie. But I'll be okay; Hank's waiting at the hospital for me, and Jay's brother Will is there too. I'll have people with me, and I would feel much better knowing Kim will be with you to take care of you while I'm at the hospital. Okay?"
"Okay." Everly says reluctantly "Hold on, I gotta get Billy."
Erin smiles as Everly goes to get her Billy-Bear. It's the one keepsake she still has; a plush, light-brown bear with a blue polka-dot bowtie – her parents got it for her when she was a baby, and she's kept it safe ever since; especially after they had passed. It meant more to her than anything else in this world.
They quickly got into the car and Erin rushed over to Kim's, thanking her friend over and over again as Everly stood by her side at the doorway. Erin gave her little friend one last hug before she rushed back down the stairs.
"Erin!"
Erin turned to see Everly come back down the stairs towards her. She quickly bent down to Everly's eye-level as the girl handed her the bear that was clutched tightly in her hand.
"You should keep Billy with you. He keeps me safe, maybe he can help keep Jay safe too."
"Are you sure?"
Everly nodded as Erin took the bear from her "I'm sure. My Mum and Dad gave him to me, so I know they watch over him and me – they'll watch over Jay too."
Erin brushed Evie's hair out of her face and smiled gratefully "You're the sweetest kid ever, you know that? Thank you, Ev."
2023 (one week after)
They got the kids ready and headed out the door quicker than usual. Most days, when it was just Erin or sometimes Jay trying to wrangle the kids on their own, they were usually rushing through traffic to make it just in time; or they would be stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic and hoping that a case didn't jump off in the next hour.
Jay avoids his wife for the rest of the morning. He knew she wanted to ask him about it – to make sure he was okay – but he just couldn't do it. He'd not been able to ask her about that time in their lives since he realised it started and he hadn't wanted to know the truth after it ended. Part of him was happy to live in a state of denial; blissful or not. It was easier to pretend that nothing had happened than to live with the knowledge that there may be a part of Erin's heart he never held – that, despite everything, he wasn't the only one she had ever truly needed. That he wasn't the only man to ever make her feel loved and cherished; as a husband should.
There was a part of him, deep down inside himself that knew. He would not be able to hear her say those things out loud; to acknowledge whatever happened back then. He was focused on moving forward, on rebuilding the relationship he had lost with his wife. Which meant he needed to forget about him and start putting his attention on doing the work that Erin's been begging him to do with her these past few days.
Jay refuses to put himself in an even more vulnerable position than he's about to today. His confidence is shaken after Ev's unintended misstep. The way his son's eyes filled with excitement at the mention of that man had only shaken Jay further. He'd becomed so engrained in Erin and their children's lives without him knowing – he needed to stop thinking about it; it only caused his anger to build more. And that was the last things he needed before he stepped inside Dr James' office again.
…
Erin sat nervously outside Sara James' office. Jay had driven them today. He'd dropped her out the front while he went to park the car. Erin sat in the comfortable lounge chair, feeling anything but. The ride to each of the kids' schools, and the quick detour to her office to grab some paperwork, had been tense – to say the least. She had tried again to approach Jay once the kids were in the car; he had simply shaken his head and murmured 'it's fine' before sliding into the driver's seat.
The words frustrated Erin beyond belief. she wanted to throw them back in his face, to refute them just like he had done last night. But it wasn't the same situation. Erin knew it wasn't fine; but she also knew that she wasn't in the position to push him on this. Not when she had hurt him so deeply. They didn't need to talk about what had happened, for her to know that.
Jay walked into the doctor's offices and sat down across from her. Erin could feel the notebook burning a hole into her hand as she gripped it. She wasn't feeling as certain about this whole thing anymore. On the one hand, it gave her the chance to show Jay how she felt about him – to show him that she loved him. But maybe he wasn't in the right space to hear all that she had to say anymore.
"Erin, Jay. Please come in." Dr James smiled as she opened her door to them.
Erin and Jay followed behind one another and took the same position they had a few days ago.
"How are you both today?" Sara asked as she sat down opposite them.
"Okay." Jay says softly, Erin nodding in agreement.
Sara frowns slightly. The two seem tense, distant in a way that feels different to how they were last session. She's curious to see if they both did the work; she's asked of them; did it cause this disconnect they seem to be experiencing?
"I'd like to finish our conversation from last session if that's okay." Sara opens her notebook to the page she was writing on.
Jay and Erin both look confused but agree. Sara checks her notes quickly, 'Proposal outside Molly's (bar).
Bunny – underlying guilt?'
"So, Erin. When Jay proposed, you said accepting meant letting your mother go. Can you elaborate on that for me? How exactly did you have to let her go?"
Erin's eyes shift between Jay and the doctor, clearing her throat self-consciously before she answers.
"There, uh, was a deal on the table from the FBI. The team who had arrested Bunny, their boss offered me a full-time gig in their counterterrorism unit in New York. In exchange, Bunny would receive a lighter conviction that assured her no jail time."
"You didn't want to go to New York?"
"I was tempted to, actually. Things at work were tense; Hank had me on a tight leash since we were working a case involving my mother. I didn't really feel like I was making a difference in my job at that time."
"And you and Jay weren't together at the time."
"No, we weren't. He was living with Will."
"How did you feel in that time?"
"It was hard. I missed him. And even though I understood why he left," Erin pauses and looks briefly at Jay again "It didn't hurt any less. I was still angry at him for walking out the way he did. It felt like … like he gave up on us."
"You never told me that before. Even when we got back together. You told me I'd hurt you, but you never told me that." Jay interjects "I never gave up on us, Erin."
"But it felt like you had." Erin insists "It felt like you didn't want me anymore. Like I was too much of a hassle in your life. It felt like you didn't want to be with me, and Abby was the scapegoat that came just in time."
"That wasn't my intention. I just … I could barely keep my head above the water Er. It's like I could feel myself sinking. And I didn't want to pull you down with me."
"It's difficult in situations like these to know, not only what our partner is feeling, but what effect our actions have caused them." Sara says "There's something I always tell my patients in circumstances like these; if your partner is telling you that you've hurt them, it's not your place to decide that you haven't. Sometimes your actions cause harm to someone you care about, even if that's not what you meant to do."
They're quiet for a few moments. Jay keeps looking to Erin, quickly turning his back down the floor when she turns to look at him. Neither knows what to do, Sara watching them and silently willing what she wants to happen. She tries to hide the smile she can feel on her face when Jay's hand reaches out to lay on the couch beside Erin, his voice soft as he says.
"I'm sorry. I didn't think about how leaving would make you feel about our relationship. The choice I made … I made it with us in mind. I wanted to be better for you, and I'm sorry if I gave you any impression different from that."
Erin's hand lays atop his and she nods "I know. That's why I never mentioned it before this. I know you've never set out to hurt me, even now."
There's an implicit understanding. An acknowledgement of the argument they had, that led them to here. Jay may have been the one to hurt her with his words, but even now Erin knew that it wasn't something he had been trying to do. They were both angry with each other but hurting each other like they have was not something either of them ever wanted.
The conversation moves swiftly after that. Erin and Jay brush over the last six years of their life since the night they got engaged. Erin finding Everly, Jay meeting her for the first time, their subsequent adoption of the little girl, moving into their new home, Erin falling pregnant with Andrew. Sara noticed the tension in Jay when Erin's new career was brought up.
"So, you moved jobs while you were pregnant with your son?" she asked.
"Not exactly. One of the guys we used to work with, Antonio Dawson, he used to work for the Special Prosecutions Bureau. He wasn't very happy working there, and I knew that Jay taking over Intelligence would be a conflict of interest for the higher-ups if I was still working there. I got along pretty well with the team at SPB-"
Jay makes a noise, turning his head slightly when Erin and Sara both look at him. Erin clears her throat and continues "Um, I spoke with Mark Jeffries about organising a transfer to work with their team as Chief Investigator. The plan was to take over for Antonio after I finished maternity leave, and he would go back to working for Intelligence. That way I had a more flexible schedule so that I could be there for the kids while Jay was running the unit and it meant that I wasn't putting either of our jobs at risk."
"And how did you feel about that, Jay. Erin taking another job must have been quite a change?"
"I probably would've understood more if she had discussed it with me beforehand." Jay said pointedly.
"You didn't tell Jay about the decision to move jobs?" Sara asks Erin.
"I told him before it was 100% confirmed. But, no, I didn't discuss it with him before I spoke to Mark."
"Did you tell her you were upset, Jay?"
"We got into an argument about it. I wasn't happy with her making this decision that affected our lives, without letting me in on it first."
"I didn't want to say anything until I knew there was even a chance that it was possible." Erin points out.
"You were considering changing jobs, regardless of if you went to the Bureau or not. You only told me that after there was a job prospect on the table."
Erin sighs "I know. I know, I just … The thought of leaving Intelligence was a lot, Jay. I wasn't ready to admit that it was what I needed to do."
"We're supposed to be partners Erin! You made that decision alone. I was about to take over the entire unit, and I needed you by my side. How do you think that made me feel?"
"Being by your side would have harmed your leadership, how do you not see that!? Every choice I made in that moment was for the purposes of protecting your career. To make sure that we both still had a future doing what we love!"
"Because moving to the Bureau really secured our future, didn't it Erin?" Jay scoffs.
Erin looks at him, affronted, and they pull back from one another. Hands placed back in their laps, as far apart on the couch as they could be. Sara watches them both closely.
"Do you think the career shift was the start of your problems?"
"It certainly didn't help matters." Jay scowls.
"Alright, enough. You've been putting up this wall all morning since Ev mentioned Peter." Erin gripes, and Sarah notices the way that Jay freezes at the mention of the man's name "I get that I hurt you. Believe me, I do. But that is so far from the start of our problems, Jay. You and I have been struggling for years now, and okay; maybe the last year since everything happened with him has been the worst part of it all – but you and I had our issues well and truly before Peter Stone became a fixture in our lives. And if you're not willing to see that, then I don't know what we're doing this for!"
Erin takes a breath, closing her eyes as she tries to calm herself. She knows Jay's hurting too. This part of their history is a particularly sore spot for him. It's not easy for her to acknowledge either; not when she's the one at fault this time. But she refuses to take all the responsibility for the state their relationship is now.
"I know I screwed up a lot, okay? I'm not proud of what happened. Of the way I acted. But you wouldn't even let me tell you what happened. You just … you shut me down, Jay. I know that it was your way of protecting yourself, but you wouldn't let me in. And if you ever want to talk about it, then I am ready to give you whatever answers I can. But I tried for so long to get you to let me explain things, and you kept closing me off. And I don't think we're ever going to be able to move forward until we do. So, if you want answers, then you have to let me know when you're ready to have that conversation. Okay?"
"… Okay." Jay says quietly.
Sara smiles as she jots down in her book, 'Peter?' before closing it and looking at the couple.
"Okay. Tell me about Andrew."
"Well, we're almost out of time." Sara looks at the clock, noting the last ten minutes of their session.
Jay and Erin both look exhausted. Mentally drained from walking through their entire history together. They hadn't argued about much of their timeline after the mention of Peter Stone. For the most part, they had been in agreement about the details of their life over the last decade. Sara notes that the point of contention seems to be where their marriage started. The last three years were the hardest part of their story, but the last ten years have been filled with hardship. 'It's going to be a long journey for them'.
"I don't know if we're going to have enough time to get both of you to run through the work, I gave you to do, so I have an idea. If you're willing to, I would like to have one of you do it now and then, between now and next session, the other person will do their list. That way, you can see how we discuss it in session and practice it outside of this space as well. Sound good?"
Jay and Erin both nod in agreement "Okay, who'd like to go first?"
Erin bends down to take her notebook from her bag, assuming she will be the one to take the lead. She shoots back up when Jay says,
"Um, I'd like to go first if that's okay." He looks nervously to Erin and then Sara.
The doctor nods encouragingly and Erin has a small smile on her face. She sits back and looks at her husband, holding his notebook tightly in his hand. He doesn't open it, his knuckles white as he keeps a firm hold – as if someone's about to rip it out of his hand and read aloud his most private words.
"Now I know that I'm the one who's asked you these questions. But I want you to talk to each other, instead of addressing me. It's important that you get into the habit of having the discussion with one another so that you can relearn how to be vulnerable with your partner and express what you're feeling. I'm here to be the intermediary for you two, so I might ask you questions; but the point of this is to have you two work on your communication skills together. So try your best to answer each other instead of me."
"Okay."
"Whenever you're ready then, Jay; tell us what you love about Erin."
"She's a good mother." Jay starts, stopping to turn and face Erin "You stepped into motherhood so easily, Er. Like it was the most natural thing to you. And I know how scared you were to have kids – we've both had pretty shitty relationships with one of our parents. But I've never seen anyone rise to the occasion as far as you have. You lead by example. And you made me believe that I could be a good parent, too."
"That's wonderful, Jay." Sara praises "What else?"
"Considerate. Erin's really considerate." Jay smiles "She thinks about every situation will effect a person. Whenever we work a case, she gives her all for the victim. She thinks about how the decisions we make will impact that person – are what we doing, the best thing for the person? She worries over every aspect of that victim's life. She thinks about our kids in every decision she makes, even ones that I may not have agreed with in the past." He looks at Erin "Your heart is big; you just have this … capacity for love that I can't fathom."
"I … thank you." Erin says softly, tears pricking her eyes. Her emotions are running a mile-a-minute, overwhelming her. She doesn't know what else to say right no – she's so surprised by Jay's willingness to do the work right now.
"Your strength is admirable, too. I think it's one of the main things that made me fall for you. You've persevered through so much. Through things that would make most people just want to completely give up on life. You were hurt by so many people, over and over again. And even then, you never gave up. You overcame so many losses – Nadia, Justin, even Bunny – and you came back even stronger than before. You never let me give up, when everything happened with the pregnancy." Jay stops, trying to keep his emotions at bay "I was so scared. The thought of losing you, of losing our child, of having to raise Ev on my own … The thought of it alone almost broke me. You were strong for all of us. I was supposed to be the one holding you up, but you were the one carrying us both."
"Your beauty and your grace. It's staggering. The kindness you have in your heart, the patience you gave me even when it was hurting you to do so. I mean, you saved my life, Erin. I was lost before I found you. I don't know where I would be if it wasn't for you. I've never met someone in my life with as much kindness, compassion, grace in their soul. It's one of the things I love about you, but when I first met you – and when I first started to fall in love with you – I remember it was one of the things that made me the maddest. I just wanted to protect you from the world. Because, as much as you had to give, you let people take so much; more than they should. Myself included. I just wanted you to be treated with the love and respect that you deserved."
"Jay …"
"But I think- the thing I love about you the most is your smile." Jay says, a smile growing on his own face as he looks at her.
"Why her smile?" Sara interjects, hesitant to break the moment between the partners.
"The first time she smiled at me … I can't remember exactly what I said, but I remember the moment like it was yesterday. We were in Molly's; we had only been working together for like a month. And I was sitting at the bar and Erin was standing next to me. I made some lewd comment in reply to something she had said to me – and she burst out laughing, and then she smiled at me. It was this genuine, pure, heart-stopping Erin Lindsay smile. And I knew, then and there, that I could fall – hard and fast – in love with her. That, that was a smile I would happily spend every day waking up to for the rest of my life."
Jay feels relief after he's finished. He's laid his heart out, and even though it puts him in a vulnerable position; speaking his heart feels good. He turns to look at his wife, expectantly waiting to see what she'll say. But what he doesn't expect her to do, is cry. Borderline sobs wracking her body. It's something he's rarely ever seen happen and it takes him by surprise.
Before Erin can stop herself, the tears are streaming down her face. Her breathing feels heavy as she folds in on herself, head in her hands as her husband's sweet, endearing words soak in. It's been a long time since Jay has spoken to her like this – since she's truly felt adored by him.
Jay has his arms around her before either of them can process his actions. His body surrounding Erin's feels comforting, a warmth she has missed deep in her bones. Jay appreciates the weight of Erin against him – the feeling he gets when he holds her is unparalleled; like he could keep her safe from all harm if she stayed in his embrace.
"I'm sorry." Erin whispers once she catches her breath.
Sara gives her an understanding smile, holding out a box of tissues towards her. Erin takes a tissue gratefully and as she wipes her face the therapist asks,
"Erin, can you try and explain why you reacted like that? Is it a good reaction?"
"I just … I haven't heard Jay speak to me like that in a long time." She says softly.
Sara clears her throat loudly, pointing towards Jay. Erin gets the message, turning her head to look at Jay who's sitting a bit further back now. His arms stay wrapped around her, but he gives her room to breathe.
"You haven't looked at me like that in so long. Spoken with so much love in your voice. I guess, I forgot what it felt like. To feel so deeply wanted."
"I always want you, Erin." Jay says softly.
"But it hasn't felt like that. Not in years." Erin says "I've never doubted that you loved me Jay. Through all of this, the fight … all of it. It was never something I questioned. But, I wasn't sure if you wanted me. If you wanted this life together anymore. It's one thing to love a person, it's another thing to choose to be with them. To fight for them. I learned that the hard way, so many times."
Erin's words take Jay by surprise. He tries to reflect on the last few years; when did he last make an effort to show Erin how much he wanted her? How much he loved her, and their life together? Maybe she was right – they both hadn't made an effort, but it was a problem that preceded that man's involvement in their life.
"I'm sorry." Jay whispered, kissing the top of her head "I'm so, so sorry."
"It's not just your fault."
When they got back home that afternoon, they were both exhausted. Erin's body felt weaker than ever before. The emotional toll therapy had taken on them was unexpected; neither of them could've foreseen the turn of events that morning would take them on. But they had taken a huge step, and for the first time in a while things felt lighter. They both felt optimistic.
They spent the rest of their time that day with their children, taking turns helping Everly with her homework and building a Lego castle with Andrew. They ordered dinner in – neither of them having the energy to cook, or even microwave leftovers – and the Halstead family sat together discussing their day. They split their duties of putting Evie and Drew to bed; Jay and Evie sat together and discussed what had happened between the young girl and her mother earlier that morning, while Erin wrangled Drew into his pyjamas and read him a book.
Erin walked into their bedroom to find Jay already in bed. But unlike most nights, he was laying facing towards her side of the bed. Erin could feel his eyes on her as she quickly changed into an oversized shirt – one that used to belong to him, which she had stolen somewhere over the years – and slipped into bed next to him. They lay facing one another, sitting in the peaceful stillness they felt.
"We're going to be okay, aren't we?" Erin said, her questioning coming out more like a statement.
Jay nodded and replied, "Yeah. I think we're gonna be just fine."
Erin took a breath, reaching her hand out to meet his in the middle of the bed. Jay lay his hand atop hers and Erin gave him a smile. One that reminded Jay of the smile he first fell for nearly ten years ago on a night out at Molly's.
"Goodnight, Jay." She whispered as she closed her eyes.
Jay smiled, closing his eyes as he replied, "Goodnight, Er."
A/N: Slight delay due to technical difficulties (if you follow me on twitter y'all know what I'm talking about lol) but nevertheless, here we are!
I hope you all enjoyed this chapter – I know the therapy session was a bit of a rollercoaster in terms of going from arguing to crying haha but sometimes that's how these sessions go. One minute you're screaming your lungs out at one another, and the next you're falling apart in each other's arms. It's not to say they won't have their fair share of arguments and heated moments in this story – but there has to be some tender moments along the way too, otherwise what's the point?
Apologies for any spelling/grammar mistakes. It's nearly midnight here and I am TIRED lol
I'm curious to see what you all liked about this chapter – for me personally, the ending is my favourite moment. And for those wondering – Peter is Peter Stone, from 'Chicago Justice' and also now on 'Law and Order SVU'. You'll see soon enough how he fits into the story ...
Please leave a review and let me know what you think! Until next time :)