Chapter 7: Snakes are WEIRD

In which I need to get back into Percy's POV properly, Slytherins are incomprehensible, and demigods have repressed angers.

Disclaimer is in the first chapter. R.R at the bottom.

"Well, dam," I groan. "Just one normal year, is that too much to ask?"

"You'll be next, Mudbl—" Draco is abruptly cut off as Connor and Travis grab his arms and haul him off, hissing something about plausible deniability and the mechanics of blessings. Neither of them knows anything about the latter subject, really, but bluffing is their whole thing, so it's not exactly as if the blonde is going to notice anything.

"Whoever wrote this, I'm going to find them and curse them," Lou Ellen grumbles. "I'm going o find them and curse them and somebody else can pick up the job of turning them back into a human."

Daphne Greengrass edges slightly away from her.

"Is that blood?" Leo asks, leaning in and poking it with his finger before anyone can stop him. "It doesn't feel warm enough. Maybe –"

"NO," Annabeth says sharply, grabbing his hand. "NO."

"I wasn't going to eat it or something! I just wanted to see if it smelt like iron!"

"It's paint," Will says blandly. "Blood's a different shade of red."

"Maybe it's not human blood, though," Piper points out.

"Yeah, but isn't it usually blue if it's not red? Like octopi and all?" I point out.

"Where would you get enough blood to coat that much wall, though?" Frank asks. "In the castle, I mean."

"I can think of a few ways," Clarisse mutters, and Thalia nods in agreement.

"Guys, you're scaring the first years," Hazel tells us, frowning slightly. I glance around and, sure enough, there's a small group of first years watching us from the corner, practically piled up on top of each other.

"What's the Chamber, anyway?" I ask. "And does anyone want to explain the dead cat?" Honestly, the cat's freaking me out. Mrs Norris was a nasty cat, but the manner of death is WAY to much of a reminder of Auntie Em's for me.

"The Chamber of Secrets," Frank explains. "Legend has it Salazar Slytherin hid a secret room with a monster in it for the purpose of murdering muggleborns."

"Well," Thalia scoffs, "If it's a monster, we've got it easy, haven't we?"

"You've got it easy," Will corrects her. "The rest of us are going to spend a long time running after you feeling inadequate."

"Exactly how it should be," Thalia snorts. "Where'd you hear that?"

"Dad talks a lot. Complains, mostly."

"So there's a monster running around the school trying to murder people?" I cross my arms; the déjà vu just keeps growing, doesn't it? "Great, it's Mrs Dodds all over again."

"It's not going to be that hard," Nico points out. "We know it's capable of freezing things stiff, it's got to be something with petrifactive abilities. So, Medusa, Basilisk…"

"Mythomagic boy strikes again," Leo sniggers, and Nico jumps on him and tries to murder him, which probably doesn't make the first-years feel much better.

"It could be a cockatrice, if you consider the collective unconscious," Annabeth says thoughtfully.

"If it's Medusa, can we send the head home again?" Clarisse asks. "Dad keeps going on and on about swords or something and I want him to shut up for five seconds."

When I walk into the Great Hall for breakfast, Thalia is looking far too smug over at the Gryffindor table for her own good, which means she's up to something, or she's recently gravely injured someone of the male species. It could be both, but I don't really want to let my imagination run away with me, especially since Gryffindor ties are the exact same colour as a bloody nose, so I sit down at Hufflepuff instead and occupy myself with wondering what Leo's done today to get himself dragged in by the ear.

"What's up with your…cousin?" Justin asks, eyeing Thalia with some wariness. Considering she's now whispering with the Golden Trio, I'm not surprised in the least.

"Thalia sent a letter to her 'mom'," Piper explains. "To get permission to hunt the murderous abomination roaming the school."

"You mean, you really think its real?" Hannah squeaks. "Oh, no!"

"With our luck with monsters, it's probably got friends," I grumble.

"Don't worry, Hannah," Frank says calmly. "We've dealt with monstrous beasts before, and I'm sure the teachers will keep us safe."

"They can try," Ernie huffs. Dropping his voice conspiratorially (wahey, that's a big one), he leans in and whispers, "Last time it opened, a girl died."

"Great," Katie sighs. "Adults leaving everything to the children, just what we need."

Thunder rumbles as Susan shakes her head. "She's been around you too long, Percy, she's picked up the sass."

"Post!" Will yelps, ducking his food under the table, because eating anything that an owl has sat in is apparently unhygienic. I glance over at Thalia and she's grinning wider. An owl is approaching with a large red letter.

Oh dear.

"That's a howler, right?" Katie asks, and clamps her hands firmly over her ears as Ernie nods in affirmation.

Thalia grins as the hall falls silent, noticing she's got a letter. A few people over in Slytherin are smiriking, probably because they think she's about to get yelled at by an irate parent or something. Unfortunately, none of them are noticing that Leo is scribbling down their names to hand over to Lou Ellen later. Poor innocent idiots.

Thalia cheerfully slits open the letter and there's a moment's ringing silence before a familiar voice begins speaking, magnified to godly proportions. "MY DEAR THALIA, I CANNOT EXPRESS HOW GLAD I AM TO HEAR THAT YOU HAVE NOT GIVEN UP OUR PURSUIT OF MONSTERS IN YOUR ABSENCE. YES, OF COURSE I GIVE YOU MY BLESSING TO HUNT THE CREATURE, IT IS NO MORE THAN OUR USUAL FARE. I ASK THAT YOU SEND ME SOME PART OF THE SPOILS, THOUGH. USE YOUR ALLIES WISELY, YOU ARE MY COMMANDER THEN AND NOW. MAY YOUR HUNT BE BLESSED."

There's a short pause, a barely audible scuffle, and then another, male, voice booms out, twice as loud and hundreds of times more pompous, if that's possible. "THALIA, MY DAUGHTER! BRING ME PRIDE!"

"OTRERA, YOU'RE GOING TOO!" a second male voice, and in the background, Artemis can be heard irritably asking them to stop hijacking her letter. "KILL IT!"

And then, just like that, the paper shreds itself on the table, which is mildly disturbing, all things considered. I mean, why does it have to commit paper-suicide? Can't it just, you know, flop over?

"Your parents are way too chill about this," Justin comments into the silence.

"Looks like we're killing a monster," Piper murmurs.

"You guys are disturbing," Hannah decides.

"Why are you trying to kill Slytherin's monster?!"

Draco is having a very loud argument with Travis and Leo outside the Potions classroom.

"Because it's a monster, duh," Leo snorts.

"But – that's Slytherin's legacy, Elf Boy!"

"I am offended," Leo says haughtily. "I have a name."

"Don't tell me you're a bunch of blood traitors?"

"I don't think you understand," Travis says bluntly. "There's a funny thing about monsters. Sure, your heir to Slytherin can make it attack muggleborns or whatever, but what happens when they're not there, huh? Monsters go after the people with the strongest magic when they're not around, and I for one don't want to be eaten in my sleep. Besides, free loot."

Draco splutters.

"They're right." Piper's voice is drifting through the air and I can feel the tinge of charmspeak in it, just enough to… influence. "Maybe Slytherin was great enough to control it, but we don't have Slytherin, do we? Just an heir who could be getting you or me eaten. I doubt Slytherin even considered the monster would live for so long. He probably expected it to be used in a few hundred years, when his control was still fresh."

"But –"

"Plus, monster murder is glory," Travis says, which is a bare-faced lie. "When you're not being eaten alive, I mean."

"What's Piper doing?" Susan asks.

"Recruiting," Frank says blandly, and refuses to explain any more.

"I don't need you guys' help," Thalia sniffs.

"But I'm BORED!" Leo exclaims. "I wanna set a monster on fire!"

"Why am I here again?" Harry groans. "I'm meant to be avoiding trouble."

"Ssh, Harry," Hermione scolds. "Although, I guess you're right. You all are treating this a little too much like a game, you know."

"It is a game to us. We have a forest full of harpies at home, and the harpies are the nice bit," Piper snorts. "Thalia does this sort of thing for fun."

"So do I," Clarisse adds.

"How about we split up?" Frank asks. "If you don't want to work with us, we can split into boys and girls and work from there."

"Just like Capture the Flag!" Hazel exclaims. "That sounds fun! Please, Thalia? You know they're going to do it anyway."

"Well, Seaweed Brain and Leo are," Annabeth mutters.

I grin. "That's why you love meeeee…"

"Fine," Thalia grumbles. "Hermione, you're with us. Potter and Freckles, you're with the boys."

"We're taking Homados," Clarisse adds.

"We… you can keep Homados," Frank says. "He usually tries to bite Leo's toes off."

Clarisse cackles in a very witchy way as Thalia drags the girls off.

"So," Leo says, as soon as they're out of earshot, "What's the plan?"

"We need to find out more about what we're fighting. We have that advantage, at least," Frank decides.

"Frank?" I raise my eyebrows at him. "Three of us can read and two of them are Harry and Ron."

"You can't read?!" Ron exclaims.

There's a short chorus of "Dyslexia," which really only makes him more confused.

"Okay, we've got three options," Nico says shortly. "Medusa, Basilisk, Cockatrice."

"Has anyone actually seen a cockatrice?" Connor asks. "Because I seriously doubt Cassiopeia's collective unconscious theory – no offense, Percy."

"Why…" Harry begins.

"Long story."

"Um, I think Charlie studied them in Care of Magical Creatures?" Ron volunteers tentatively, ears slightly pink. "He never said anything about petrifying, just chicken legs."

"Good, because I never want to see one of those abominations," Travis says flatly.

"Medusa shouldn't be a problem," I say. "We've run into her before, you just hide behind a shiny thing…"

"She turns you to stone, anyway, she doesn't petrify you, right?" Frank asks, and I nod.

"Yeah, she does…"

"So it's a basilisk?" Will groans. "Has anyone seen one before?" There's a mumbled chorus of 'No' and he groans again. "Great, somebody's going to break their leg or something."

"Probably Aiakos," Travis says bluntly, and Will just looks even worse while Nico shoots Travis a poisonous glare.

"Great, Hydrus, just great."

"But you liiiike it," Travis says, and two seconds later there's a scuffle on the library floor.

"What…?" Ron asks weakly.

"This is normal behaviour," Frank says. "You'll get used to it."

"Basilisk hunting?" I remind them. "We're off topic. How do we go about this?"

"Well, the logical thing to do is to find the Chamber," Frank says. "Any ideas?"

"Nope. Struggle through books?" Connor asks cheerfully.

Frank sighs. "I suppose so."

"Oi, Katergaris, Thalassus!"

Travis and I spin around to find a large pile of green glaring down at us. Pansy Parkinson is clinging to Draco, who has his arms crossed across his chest; Crabbe and Goyle are sort of lurking off to the side, Daphne Greengrass is looking like she'd rather be someplace else, Millicent Bulstrode and Tracey Davis are whispering to each other, Theodore Nott is looking expressionless, and Blaise Zabini appears to be posing. "What is it?" I ask wearily. "Don't try to convince us not to kill the murder snake, we're killing the murder snake."

"We could stop you," Blaise says evenly, and Crabbe cracks his knuckles.

I glance at Travis, who shrugs. They don't look like they're going to attack, but still…

"Will monsters really go after the strongest magic they can find?" Theodore demands.

"Duh," Travis says. "For instance, we turned Flint into a baby kitten and gave him to the Gryffindors."

"You're a menace," Tracey says flatly.

"Yes, I am," Travis says proudly. "Why do you think I have twenty-seven carrier pigeons?"

"Monsters go after those with strong magic, especially those from strong bloodlines, unless they're either very weird monsters, or very attached to a specific leader," I explain. "Even then, they act like monsters usually do, not like some sort of pet. What did you think they acted like?"

Millicent opens her mouth, then shuts it again.

"Okay, we want in," Draco says abruptly.

"What?"

"We want in. Free loot, and all that. I want better standing with the gods than pixies," he sniffs.

"Wait, pixies?" Pansy asks. "Drakey, what pixies?"

"There was an incident," Travis says solemnly. "It started with Lockhart and ended with dismemberment and fire."

"Whatever," Daphne sniffs. "You've obviously done this before, so we're safe enough. We're joining you."

"We're sort of split boys vs girls," I say apologetically. "Some of you are going to have to ask Thalia."

"Is that the one with the crazed pig?" Theodore asks.

"No, the other one," I correct him. "Homados belongs to Otrera."

"Great. See you around," Draco says cheerfully, and the entire gang wanders off again.

"That was weird," Travis decides.

"Tell me about it."

"Honey, that son of yours is praying to me," Persephone called out.

"What – why you? Don't you hate him?"

"I turned him into a corn plant," Persephone said flatly.

"What's he praying for?"

"He's praying for the 'annoying flouncy Hufflepuff that calls him the spawn of Voldemort to be tied up by her own flowers and the warmth drained away'."

"…"

"Demigods have a lot of repressed anger, remember, dear? My cousin has been praying for a boy named Zacharias Smith to be smote by a murder-tree for ages. Unfortunately, that's only plants specifically, and Mommy says I'm not allowed to."

"Thank us they're hunting a Basilisk," Hades sighed. "Or maybe I could start sending them on missions? Do you think Zeus would complain?"

"Probably," Persephone said blandly. "Can I smite the Hufflepuff? I'm bored."

"You do you, dear," Hades replied. "I don't mind."

"Yay."

"Does this mean you hate my son less now?"

"Eh. Don't push it."

"HOLY ZEUS!"

We all whip around; it's hard not to, even after a year and a bit out of commission. The faster of us draw our wands, the slower or less sword-using just jump, glancing around us.

"Aiakos? What is it?" Frank asks sharply.

He points to the Hufflepuff table, where a fourth year is sitting, drooping and grey, trying to eat a bowl of porridge. She's covered in flowers – and I mean covered – head to toe with asphodel growing in her hair and twined around arms and ankles like a human florist's display. "Look!"

"What?" Connor asks.

"My prayers were answered," he replies giddily.

I do not want to how what he prayed for.

Katie looks jealous.

This may not be quiiiite the usual standard, seeing as I need to slip back into Percy's POV and I'm very badly out of practice by now, but hopefully it'll get better since I actually know where I'm going now. Yippee!

R.R

Annie: Pixies and dead pizza bits, yeah. Thanks for the advice, I'll try to keep it in mind as I continue on ^_^

beegirl9: Okay, I'm updating! I'm glad you liked it.

blankardtheeighth: Thanks! I think it's going to be interesting what happens here as they're essentially background characters with zero reason to be in the background (see above: Thalia is bored, let us murder a snek, yay) but yeah, it's not fair when they show up and all of a sudden (considering the usual tropes) Percy is Chosen One 2.0.

Z: Leo needs to be free to be nuts :)

Edit:

Dear those of you who have made it this far,

Technically, I should have updated ages ago. But a whole heap of things got in the way, and in any case, Sirius hasn't been cooperating. Thus, I'm going to work updates differently. I'm going to finish my current works one at a time, as I can plan them out, and as information comes to me. This means I'm putting most of my other stories on a hiatus until I can finish Luna, Queen of Azkaban. Then I'm going to finish off my short series, Harry Gains a Harem and Sirius Destroys the Aesop, before moving back onto Spiderwebs.

Considering how much more of the above stories I have to wrap up, I'm anticipating the entire process taking anywhere between 1 and 4 months until I'm on my last piece - depending on how fast the inspiration comes.

Hopefully, everything will be up and running again soon.

All the best,

~ Hat