The ride was silent as Carrie tried to think of what to say to Emily. She had let out the thing that was on her tongue stopping her for so long with Emily, but now she was scared to what Emily could be thinking with it. Meanwhile, Emily sat also thinking about everything: Carrie looking at her as a parent, a parent she had wished her biological parents could have been. Emily bit her lip, she maybe wasn't failing. It had only been maybe four or five weeks since she met the teen. Emily slowly pulled the car into the parking garage under the building and got out with Carrie heading inside and up the elevator. Emily unlocked the door and led Carrie in. Each of them taking their separate ways. Emily went to the kitchen and set her bag down leaning over the counter hald in relief. Carrie made it to the bedroom door and stopped, setting down her bag, and turning around heading back to the kitchen.

"Emily," Carrie called out.

"Yes," Emily said standing up straight looking up through the doorway to the small teenager.

Carrie just quickly walked towards Emily and wrapped her arms tightly around the older brunette. Emily slowly in return wrapped her arms back around Carrie. Carrie held onto Emily tighter and Emily held her right there.

"I love you," Carrie whispered.

"I know," Emily said, kissing Carrie's head. "I love you, so much."

Carrie let go and Emily pulled out one of the island stools and sat on the edge meeting Carrie's eye height. Emily reached out, taking Carrie's hands in her own. Carrie looked at them and looked up to meet Emily's gaze which was filled with worry.

"I'll be okay," Carrie said softly.

"I know," Emily replied. "It's just scary to watch you struggle and sometimes not know if there is anything I can do."

Carrie nodded, "I'll really try to not shut you out. I just also did that with my parents so its just normal, but I don't want it to be."

"I know," Emily smiled brushing Carrie's hair behind her ear. "I'm quite good myself at doing that. Let's make a deal to each work to try to express it more to one another and check in slowly. We both need our alone times. I know us, but also just working to not shutting out."

"Okay," Carrie nodded. "Sorry I just get scared."

"It's understandable," Emily replied. "Sorry if I've pushed you at all in the past bit."

"It's okay," Carrie smiled.

Emily pulled Carrie in again and Carrie propped herself up on Emily's leg as she leaned against Emily. Emily wrapped her arms around the teen.

"How do you feel about dinner?" Emily asked, kissing Carrie's cheek.

"I could use some," Carrie nodded.

"Well you went to therapy," Emily smiled, "So you get to choose."

Emily pulled out her phone and opened one of the ordering apps.

"Lets see what sounds good," Emily smiled.

"Ooo maybe Indian," Carrie grinned. "Haven't had it in a little bit."

"That sounds great," Emily agreed. "Do you want what I picked out last time?"

"Yeah," Carrie shook her head agreeing.

"Okay," Emily smiling at the fact Carrie had the same taste in food as she did. "I'll get that ordered."

"Can I take a shower while we wait?" Carrie asked.

"Sure," Emily said and remembered the conversation from earlier, "And Carrie."

"I'll go get them and bring them to you," Carrie nodded knowing what Emily was going to say.

"Okay," Emily smiled. "Thank you."

Carrie got up and headed down the hall followed by Emily. Emily waited outside Carrie's door as the teen emerged and handed over the razors she had.

"Thank you," Emily smiled leaning down and kissing Carrie's forehead. "I'll be in the study or living room if you'd like to join me afterwards."

"Okay," Carrie replied, turning and heading to the bathroom.

Emily waited until she could hear the water running before heading back down the hall. Emily walked into the study and slouched against the bookcases with a sigh. She was tired, exhausted, and all just filled with joy of knowing Carrie was happy here. There was that to be riding on. Emily pulled out a book on therapeutic techniques for trauma from the shelf before heading out to the living room and pulling out her laptop as well.

Carrie in the shower felt a sense of release. Emily knew now why she pushed her away and how much she did care that Emily was in her life. Carrie closed her eyes and let the water fall down her hair. This place felt safe and was growing to be home. Having Emily down the hall was always reassuring and she had a new sense of hope it would be okay. She eventually finished and got out.

Emily looked up seeing Carrie appear in joggers and a hoodie.

Taking a seat opposite of Emily on the couch Carrie asked, "Any updates on the food?"

"Said out for delivery a few minutes ago," Emily replied. "It's getting darker out sooner."

"Yeah," Carrie agreed.

"In a few weeks," Emily started, "The leaves will turn and it gets really pretty around here. I usually like to get out and do some hikes."

"That sounds like fun," Carrie smiled.

"Let's make a plan to go," Emiliy smiled. "There's one place a little north of here that I sometimes rent a cabin at and s[end the weekend. I can see if we can go."

"Okay," Carrie smiled excited to spend time out.

"As a warning," Emily laughed, "The wifi isn't great."

Carrie laughed.

The food eventually arrived and the two ate at the kitchen island. Carrie helped Emily clean up before heading down the hall to finish an assignment and catch up texting her friend group. Emily went back to the study as she got a phone call.

"Hey JJ," Emily said, picking up the phone. "Whats up?"

"I just wanted to give you a heads up," JJ started, "We might be picking up the Credenza Case. The one that's been on the news for the past day or two now."

"Teenage girls going missing?" Emily asked.

"Yeah," JJ answered.

"Isn't missing childrens on it?" Emily asked.

"No," JJ replied. "Apparently the body was found not far from here so we are probably getting called in because another girl was taken in possible connection."

"Okay," Emily nodded. "It's local at least. Thank god."

"How's it going," JJ asked.

"Therapy today went well," Emily sighed in relief, "I think we might have a plan starting."

"Good," JJ replied. "I'm sure she is exhausted. Carrie was really tiring herself out today."

"She was so anxious," Emily sighed. "She showered and ate though. Now Carrie is just down in her room finishing an assignment and checking in with friends."

"Good," JJ said. "She's a great kid."

"Carrie is," Emily smiled. "I feel lucky."

"Well I should get going," JJ replied, "I have to call the PD and see what they say."

"that sounds like fun," Emily laughed.

"Oh yes," JJ smiled. "Just want a night out."

"Soon," Emily smiled. "Well I should go check in with Carrie, too."

"Okay," JJ replied. "See you guys tomorrow."

"Hopefully Carrie doesn't spin so much in the chairs," Emily laughed.

"Gosh I was getting dizzy watching," JJ laughed. "Well okay, see you tomorrow."

"Goodnight," Emily said before hanging up.

Putting her laptop away, Emily headed down the hall to where Carrie was sprawled out on bed.

"Hey," Emily said leaning on the doorway. "How's it going?"

"Finished the assignment," Carrie sighed sitting up. "Bianca says I've missed nothing at school."

"I should just pull you out and have you sit at the office every day," Emily teased.

"I kinda like some social life," Carrie squinted.

"Wow," Emily said, taking the hit, "Are we not cool enough there?"

"Eh," Carrie continued, "Maybe."

"Well I was just checking in," Emily nodded.

"Emily?" Carrie called out.

"Yeah?" Emily responded stepping back into the doorway.

"Could we talk?" Carrie asked quietly.

"Yeah of course," Emily said, walking and taking a seat in bed across from the teen.

"When you first met me," Carrie started, "Did you expect or want to take me?"

Emily sighed, "There was something about you when I first met you. I don't know what, but I felt a connection and like I had to do something. Once I found out your options, I knew I wasn't going to leave without giving you the option."

"Did you want kids?" Carrie asked.

"I had thought about it," Emily nodded. "I had always been scared because of my job, but the other year I looked into it."

"Why didn't you then?" Carrie asked.

"I can't get pregnant," Emily smiled sadly.

"Oh," Carrie nodded. "Can I ask why?"

"I did some not great things when I was your age," Emily nodded. "When I was fifteen I was living in Rome, and would have done anything to fit in as you understand. So I snuck out, hung out with boys, did all sorts of things and I ended up pregnant. My mother had raised me Catholic and with her job and image was all sorts of mad at me and conflicted on what to do, but told me not to get an abortion. But I knew I had to. My friend and I found a clinic. Wasn't the greatest, but it did the job. Turns out something that happened then caused issues that made it so kids would never happen."

"Oh," Carrie replied looking down. "Sorry, I didn know."

"It's okay," Emily smiled, "You should know some stories about me as a teen."

"So is that what made you and your mom have issues?" Carrie asked.

"One of the many," Emily laughed. "After that, I went right into church and held my head up high and she was not happy. From there, I went a bit goth. She didn't exactly like that either. We fought over everything. I don't particularly like politics and the government together."

"But you," Carrie started confused.

"I do my job," Emily started, "But politics cause power issues, and power and image cause family issues. It makes people too greedy to stop caring about the things that actually matter."

"So you still don't talk?" Carrie asked.

"No we talk sometimes," Emily shrugged. "I just don't like getting pulled into whatever games my mom is playing and I don't like her using me as a pawn because now she likes my image."

"Got it," Carrie nodded. "I didn't like being used as a pawn either with my moms friend group. Always trying to turn one kid into looking better than the next to up their status. It just turned into my mom pressuring me to be someone I'm not and then I felt like I was never enough. That's what we were arguing about that night. She thought my choice I was making wouldn't look as good, but I kept telling her she only cared about it looking good for her image."

"I see," Emily replied. "That definitely isn't fun."

"Yeah," Carrie nodded. "The past few years I had just cut her out a bit, but now it's like I wish I could have at least told her so many things I did do and I was proud of. She was just so unhappy with me when she passed and so terrified in her last hours. It's just weird and that's why I get so conflicted now, I guess. I'm realizing it more and more. You just never have judged me and just only encouraged me with everything I'm doing that she would have scolded me for. So now I'm just happy so much of the time because I have these opportunities, but its like I'm too happy and moving too fast and dragging this dark cloud behind me. And it feels like I'm just shutting it away from me and moving on too quickly because I know I haven't processed any of it."

Carrie could feel herself getting more built up with emotion, but she knew she just had to continue. Emily just stayed quiet listening to what Carrie was saying.

"I just don't know what I'm supposed to feel," Carrie frowned. "I feel like I should be scared and upset all the time with them all being gone and like I am. Like it's always there and dragging and gets really bad at times with panic attacks and nightmares. But then I get so happy when I'm with you, and the team, and some of my friends at school, but especially just when I'm here and spending time with you. And I feel safe. I never felt that. So I'm just going on living, and it feels like I shouldn't because they all died and were in so much pain before it happened and I still feel like I was the cause of it. I know it wasn't my fault deep down, but I blame myself still. It just seems all unfair. I should have been the one dead and feeling the pain they felt. And I do and sometimes I just think because I'm too comfortable then I shut down from you because then when I am feeling all the pain that I have distanced from myself it will be too much and then I will have disappointed you and you will do what my mom did to me." Carrie felt herself wanting to cry. "I know its to do with dissociating from the murders to protect myself. I get that now and I feel it ripping away slowly and more than just the nightmares now. So I'm sorry if that changes any of your views on me. I promise Im trying."

Emily felt her eyebrows arch and looked at the small teen, "I know you are trying. And to be perfectly honest, it sometimes scares me that you haven't had some of the breakdowns to process. I know they happened at first and then all of a sudden you had a shield up. Honey, if you expect that I was planning on just thinking you'd be fine and move on, I never thought that for a minute. I wanted you here as my child, because I wanted for you to have someone to be there fully for when those walls are down and you need to process everything and feel the full brutal force of pain loss causes. I wanted you to have someone to lean on who could provide the support, therapy, all the times you just want to be held because it is hard. And I wanted you to learn to live past this trauma and take your life to where I could you can take it to because the moment I met you could tell you were brilliant."

Carrie felt this sense of relief washing through her as Emily said all of those words as if it was the seal of approval she had been looking for her. She felt the tears start falling as she looked at Emily. Carrie learned forwards and fell down onto Emily's lap. Emily draped one arm around Carrie and ran her other hand through Carries hair calming the teen down.

"This is permanent," Emily smiled. "No matter what happens."

"I just feel so guilty," Carrie sighed rolling over on her back and looking up at Emily. "And am full of this fear. Fear of feeling all these deep terrible things because I'm scared of feeling them and seeing what they will do to me and to those around me. But I'm fearful of being any bit happy and moving on out of guilt to my family who died in pain and suffering. And I'm scared because I don't want to lose them as a memory and a reality in my life, but I also want to live my life. And then I just feel even worse sometimes, because sometimes I'm so happy here and with you I wish that you could have just raised me because I would have been happier when I was little, but it feels wrong saying that because I love them so much too and I feel like that's betraying them."

Emily continued running her fingers through the teens hair as she listened to what Carrie had to say. Emily was glad Carrie was just speaking and rambling the inner conflict that had been running through her brain for weeks now.

"I," Carrie started, "When all the thoughts, memories, and images just get dark in my head you haven't judged me. You just calm me down and talk to me about it and it makes me feel safe. So Safe. Whenever I would get anxious before, my mom would just yell at me to get it together and that she had it worse and I needed to be a better daughter. So I would just sit in my room for hours blankly staring at the wall. And it's times like that when I wished I had someone who actually seemed to care and just sat there with me. And you just do that and so sometimes I just start blocking you out because I'm scared because it is what I needed and always wanted, and I'm not used to that. I always wanted that, and I have it now, but it's not in the way I had ever hoped. So I just feel this guilt and like I don't deserve anything you've given me or if I mess up it will all go away."

"Guilt is a normal part of life," Emily started. "It's not fair sometimes how you see events you've had happen play out unfairly for everyone involved. And that sucks, but you also have to remember, it isn't always your fault. When I got pregnant, my friend Mathew was the one who took me to get an abortion. He was a devout catholic his whole life and after this experience he started questioning everything. Like this kid was brilliant and on track for so many great things, but he just got so wrapped up in this question and he began doing drugs. His family was terrified of him and they were also high ranking officials so they just tried to sedate him and send him away which only made his mental health worse. He was in an ant out of every institution and just turned into this robot and seemed to lose so much life he had. I blame myself still so much for it even though I know it's not my fault. I went on to go to Yale and travel more, all of these things he wanted to do and never got to. I repaired enough of my relationship with my parents that he never did. It's things like that. It doesn't always make sense, Carrie."

"No it does not," Carrie sighed.

"I'm sorry that you never got the support you had wanted," Emily whispered.

Carrie shrugged, "I think my mom just didn't know how to respond to me because she never got half the opportunities I had and didn't understand what I needed. She was also just so stubborn and refused to listen."

"Well I see where you get your stubbornness from," Emily laughed.

Carrie let on a small smile, "I'm sorry that I never had said any of this. I just don't even think I realized where half of my feelings were coming from."

"No worries," Emily replied softly, "I don't expect you to always know. I just hope you continue talking, expressing, and asking for support when you need it. I like it when you talk."

"Me too," Carrie replied, "And I'm sorry if it's a lot that I just think of you sometimes as my parent and wished you could have raised me. I know it's only really been five weeks."

Emily smiled, "I like it. I know it can be an internal conflict for you, but I want you to know it was never my intention to replace Carrie."

"I know," Carrie nodded feeling her eyes growing wet. "I just sometimes feel like I'm forgetting them, but I also feel like I never got a change to actually fully even say goodbye."

"Something I have found helps," Emily started, "Is writing them a letter. It may sound stupid, but sometimes getting everything onto paper and reading it to them makes them feel even closer and can help you find that peace. Carrie, you know they are still here with you. In your heart, your head, in spirit, and memory. They are right here with you, and always will be."

"I know," Carrie sniffed sitting up and looking at Emily. "I'll try writing a letter."

"Okay," Emily nodded, scanning Carrie, "Come here."

That was all Carrie needed to hear to bury her head into Emily's shoulder and let the tears that had stayed hidden fall. Emily pulled Carrie closer and held her even tighter. Carrie closed her eyes as the feeling of being safe once again washed over her. She took a deep breath and pulled back tucking her knees up under her chin. Carrie sat there for a moment remaining silent as her eyebrows arched.

"You okay?" Emily asked softly.

"Yeah," Carrie nodded. "Just remembering things. My brain just won't shut up right now."

"What can I do to help?" Emily asked, placing a hand on Carrie's.

"I don't know," Carrie shrugged.

"Do you feel safe to yourself right now?" Emily asked. "Oddly yeah, but I'm just a little overwhelmed by my brain."

"Do you want to talk about what just ran through it?" Emily asked.

"It was just a memory," Carrie shrugged. "After I talked to Irvan that time in the interrogation room with you, I just lost it after. I just was so overwhelmed, scared, and hurt. Like this man I just held hands with was part of my parents dying and is the one who murdered my brother. But I actually felt bad for him for a moment and was so confused. Anyways, you just held me and let me cry for like twenty minutes. Since the whole things started, you were the first one to let me cry for as long as I needed. It was the first time I had grieved any bit. And then there is just the weirdest part. Irvan said he had wanted to me feel safe and was trying to give me that, and for the first time in that moment when you were holding me, I felt safe. Like there was Irvins's wish, and I remember thinking that in that moment. Sometimes I wish I never got to talk to him, but that also provided some relief"

"I hated myself for letting you go in that room," Emily frowned. "I wasn't sure if it was a good idea, but you wanted to so I let you. Part of me wished I would have just not done it and protected you from learning the things you did."

"Remember when you had me ID Irvan?" Carrie asked.

"Yeah," Emily nodded.

"I remember asking you why they did what they would do," Carrie continued, "I feel like I got some of the answers to the thoughts in my head that were driving me crazy. Therefore, I don't think it was a bad thing. I think I would have driven myself a little bit more crazy not knowing. You had said trying to just figure it out myself would drive me insane."

"JJ was so mad at me," Emily chuckled.

"What do you mean?" Carrie asked with a smile.

"She thought I was telling you too much," Emily nodded, "Thought what I was doing would hurt you. But you and I are similar, and I knew that then, you would have been in more pain not doing anything."

"I think I would have gone insane," Carrie smirked. "JJ is just overprotective."

"She came into the job as a lesson," Emily continued, "And now she is in much deeper than I think she expected. The things scare her and so she tried to stop other people from trying to see the scary side of the world."

"She is so pure," Carrie chuckled. "I love her for that. I just think she forgot, at that point I had already seen it and I needed answers to keep living."

"I know," Emily said softly, "JJ to protect herself has to just keep busy or work. If she doesn't she starts to crack with all the things. She also just has this turn off which where then she only sees the good in people."

"Oh," Carrie nodded. "So you guys all have your own ways of coping."

"Yes exactly," Emily nodded, "That's why I sometimes suggest talking to everyone because they all will give you more ideas of how to process everything. It's always worth a shot. Dr. Shaffer will also work with you on that. She's helped a lot of the team work to develop coping skills that work for them."

"I'm excited to start actually processing everything," Carrie smiled. "And really really scared for what might happen during it."

"It's not easy," Emily nodded, "But you have me, and the support from the whole team. They got your back."

"I know," Carrie nodded. "It's just going to take time."

"Yes," Emily agreed. "Many good days, many bad days. I'll be here for whatever you need."

"Thanks Emily," Carrie smiled. "Oh it's getting a little late."

"Ugh," Emily said, rolling her eyes. "We should both try to get some sleep."

"Yeah," Carrie nodded.

"Also," Emily paused, "JJ called a little bit ago. We picked up a case that's local, but of the nature

It's going to be a tough and high demanding case. I want you to be in the office still, but I might have you more in the conference room or JJ's office depending what the main part looks like."

"Okay," Carrie nodded, getting scared. "How bad."

"I don't fully know," Emily stated, "But I'll be safe the whole time. JJ will be at the office the whole day coordinating from there, so you will always have her or Garcia nearby. You know how Garcia hates these cases so if you need a lift me up, go talk to her. She'll always make you smile."

"Okay," Carrie nodded.

"What do you need to sleep?" Emily asked. "Is your mind still racing?"

"Yeah," Carrie nodded. "I just can't tell if it will be a nightmare free night or not."

"I have a natural medicine thing," Emily started, "It's just a chewable tablet, and it helps with calming the brain down a bit when it's racing. It works for me usually."

"Okay, I'll try it," Carrie nodded.

"Do you want me to stay in here with you tonight?" Emily asked hoping Carrie would say yes because she didn't want to let the teen out of her sight at the moment.

"Kind of," Carrie nodded. "But you don't have to. You have a big case coming and need rest."

"I'll sleep better knowing how you are," Emilyi replied. "How about we each get ready, then we each take mind racing stuff, and go to bed."

"Okay," Carrie nodded.

The two went their separate ways to change and brush their teeth. Emily came back in seeing Carrie already curled up under the blankets. Emily smiled at the sight of the small teen and quickly made her way over.

"Here you go," Emily smiled handing Carrie a chewie.

"Why do orange flavored things always taste so weird?" Carrie asked after eating it.

"I don't know," Emily smirked. "Why not make it mint or something."

"Right," Carrie agreed.

Emily climbed in bed next to Carrie and pulled the teen in close. Emily flicked off the light and kissed Carrie's temple.

"Goodnight, sweetheart," Emily whispered. "thank you for talking and being as brave as you have been."

"Thank you for listening, Em," Carrie replied. "It means a lot."

"Sleep well," Emily yawned.

Carrie burrowed more into Emily and the two drifted off.