A/N: GUYS I'm so sorry for not posting more recently, I've been very busy with the beginning of the school year and whatnot, but now I'm on winter break and have found the time. Hopefully, I can keep up with this story, but if not I will write a chapter about the ending I wanted. But I think I will finish the story, don't worry. Anyway, hope you enjoy this long-awaited chapter. I am already working on the next!
What? I think to myself.
This isn't real. She must be joking around with me. Zeke cannot be dead. I saw him last night. I hugged him. I heard his laugh. I said goodbye and he was very much alive. There's no way he's... dead.
"What? What do you mean?" I ask her because I can't seem to form any other words. I'm in shock. I just, I can't believe it. He can't be dead.
"He- he… he was found in the Chasm hours ago. He left me in his apartment this morning and went to get us breakfast, and then Max came in and told me what happened. I don't know how he fell or why, but I don't think it was an accident. He was completely sober at that point. He wouldn't have fallen. You know Zeke, he isn't a clumsy guy. I mean, he wouldn't just fall. You don't think it was on purpose do you?!" she rambles.
She looks hysterical, but also in shock. I wish I could say or do something to make her feel better, but I know it won't work. I've been in her shoes. No words or action can relieve the pain of death. The pain stays until you let it go. For now, all I can do is just be there for her and let her know that I will listen if she needs anyone to talk to.
"I'm here for you, okay?" I tell her, rubbing her back whilst trying to control my tears. I need to be strong for her.
She cries harder and crumbles into my lap.
After about an hour of crying on my lap in silence, she announces she's going to bed. As she gets up I notice her trembling, and her eyes are almost swollen shut from the amount of crying she's done. I hear her fall into her bed with a thump, and I can tell she's trying to suppress sobs. My heart hurts for her, but it's replaced with anger. Roxxy is right, he wouldn't have just fallen off the cliff. This was deliberate, but who would do that?
Waking up this morning was horrendous. I am mentally drained after spending most of last night trying to figure out how Zeke ended up in the Chasm. I was also up all night because of Roxxy's cries. She cried all the way into the early morning.
I shake my head and get up, heavy with sleep. I get dressed slowly, taking my time. I hear my stomach growling and I remember I haven't eaten anything substantial in a while. I know Roxxy probably won't want to eat, but I'm going to drag her with me to the cafeteria anyway to get her mind off of Zeke. I bet she feels sick to her stomach. When Trent died, I couldn't eat anything besides crackers for two weeks.
When I finish getting dressed, I see Roxxy is still in her bed. I let out a big sigh. I can't let her miss out on this last bit of initiation. Even though she's going to hate me, I need to push her through this grief.
I walk over to her bunk and shake her a little, and in response, she lets out a groan.
"Hey, you gotta get up. We're almost done with initiation, you gotta pull through." She doesn't move. I shake her one time, and I hear her start to cry again.
"I can't, Lacy. I seriously can't continue on. Not without him." She looks over at me, and she looks awful. Her eyes are swollen, her face is red and her hair is jumbled into a mess. Poor girl. But she can't give up, not this close to the end.
"What are you saying?" I ask her, hoping she's not implying what I think she is.
"I don't want to continue with initiation," she mutters. There is no way I'm going to let her do that. She's worked too hard for this. I lift her up and grab her by the shoulders so she's forced to look at me.
"Roxxy, listen to me. Zeke would not have wanted you to quit initiation. He would want you to stay in his faction, visit his apartment once we've made it, talk to his parents. He would want you to fight through this and stay strong." Roxxy looks up at me, her bottom lip trembling. She slowly nods her head and wipes her face. When she jumps down from her bunk, I let out a breath of relief. She's strong, but I wasn't certain if she would continue with initiation or not.
"Thank you," she whispers to me, walking to the bathrooms.
I wait for her to get dressed. She takes just as long as I did, and by the time she's finished everyone has already left. I drag her to the cafeteria with me only to grab a muffin, then we head to the waiting room.
When I open the door, I see that Uriah isn't there. Neither is Four. Apparently, Four and Zeke were really good friends, so that makes sense. Instead, I see Eric's head pop out of the fear landscape room and call a name to come in. I'm glad he's in today. He always manages to make me feel better, even without trying. Just his presence is enough to lift my mood.
Roxxy and I sit at the end of the room, and she quickly falls asleep on my shoulder. I can feel her tears soak into my shirt, but I don't mind. I'm not tired at all, in fact, I'm restless. I feel like I should be doing something, but then again there isn't really anything I can do. I wait more or less patiently for my name to be called.
"Lacy," I hear Eric call. I perk my head up and begin to wake Roxxy up.
"Hey, I gotta go. I'll wait for you, okay? Just stay awake until your name is called," I tell her, then walk to the fear landscape room. Eric opens the door for me and leads me inside with his hand on the small of my back. My body tingles.
"Take a seat," he says roughly. I follow his command and sit down. He doesn't grab the syringe but sits on his stool next to me. I look up at him and he looks very tired. Like he's gotten even less sleep than I did last night, probably dealing with Zeke's death.
"I heard about what happened. They're ruling it as a suicide," he informs me. I feel anger build inside me. There is no way Zeke committed suicide. Not while he was going to get breakfast for Roxxy. No way.
Eric looks me up and down, and then studies my face.
"Are you okay? I know you and Zeke were friends," he asks, and I place my head in my hands. I slide my hands across my face and face him again, and shrug my shoulders.
"I'm angry. And sad, but mostly angry. I mean suicide? Is that really what you think?"
"No, that's just what we're ruling it as. We know what really happened. He was killed by Jeanine's crew. He was a Divergent. Listen closely, Lacy," he inches closer to me so he's right next to my face, "you need to be careful. It's dangerous right now for you. All the faction leaders are trying to prosecute Jeanine, but we can't let her know. That means she's free to do whatever she wants for the time being, and we can't stop her. You know what she's capable of. You need to be cautious for the next few days as an initiate."
I can't speak. Jeanine killed Zeke. She could come after me. Would she kill me off like my brother and Zeke? The thing that's bothering me the most is that the faction leaders know what she's doing, and they haven't done anything yet. Nothing! There are multiple faction leaders, and yet they haven't stopped the most dangerous person in the city. My blood is boiling at this point.
"If all the faction leaders know about this, then why is she not prosecuted already? What more do you guys need to realize that she is dangerous and guilty?" I snap at him. I don't mean to snap at him, but all the emotion from Zeke's death is coming out, and it's not sadness I feel, it's rage. A blinding rage.
"It's more complicated than that. Don't you think I want Jeanine gone just as much as you?"
A pang goes through my stomach. It must be hurting him as much as me knowing he, one of the faction leaders, can't do anything. I let out a sigh and shake my head.
"I'm sorry. It's just this whole thing is frustrating me and I just want Jeanine to be gone already."
He nods his head but stays stern. His posture is rigid, but his eyes are tired. I can tell he's as exhausted from Jeanine's games as I am. Jeanine has affected both of us personally. I wish I could say something more, reassure him that everything will be okay, but I don't want to lie. I don't know if everything will be okay.
"Are you ready?" he asks as he takes the syringe out. I nod, and as he sticks the needle into my neck, everything melts away, the last thing I see being Eric's eyes, tired and grey.
The last four days of initiation were very slow and very solemn. Roxxy is still mourning Zeke's death, and Eric informed me she getting lower and lower in rankings. I've tried to talk to her and tell her to hold on for just a while longer, but it's like talking to a brick wall. She seems to have come to terms with the fact that she may be factionless. Sadly, that possibility is getting more likely.
Eric and I have been meeting at his apartment every night to discuss the plans of Jeanine. He and I know her better than anyone else, especially Eric though since they were family friends. We've set up a small plan where we send troops to her office when she's not there and find the evidence we need to prosecute her. Both Eric and I are witnesses to Trent's death and we have made our statements to Max. We have also looked found more evidence about Zeke's death, and a nurse from our infirmary who did an autopsy on his body discovered a blunt force trauma on the back of Zeke's head, which she says is the reason he fell into the Chasm. Eric ordered me to keep this from Roxxy.
This secret has put an even bigger wedge between our friendship because I've felt guilty every time I hang out with her, and feel like she can see through me. She thinks Zeke killed himself, and she has blamed herself for his death this whole time. It kills me to see her blame herself, but I know it's for the best that she doesn't know.
Uriah and I talked yesterday because I figured we should put our differences aside and I should be there for him. He's a complete mess, worse than Roxxy. He and Zeke were very close brothers and without a doubt best friends. I know the feeling, so I decided to allow him to talk about it. It does help, talking. Brings some sort of peace to the situation. Eric told me that they would tell his family what happened once they executed Jeanine. For now, he said it's a secret to the city.
Currently, it's the morning of the final fear landscapes. It's surreal how far our initiation class has come. There are more Dauntless borns in the initiation class than transfers. A lot of the Erudite transfers and a few Abnegations went home. Not surprising in the slightest. The Erudites were too cocky and didn't try much at all during initiation, resulting in them getting kicked out of Dauntless and the Abnegations were too kind.
I walk over to the area where everyone is waiting. A Dauntless born whom I'm not familiar with is in the simulation right now. We can't see what she's looking at, only the leaders can, but we can see how she is reacting. She doesn't seem very scared, just angry. Brave of her. Roxxy is next, and she looks fearless. It's mostly because she doesn't care whether or not she makes it into Dauntless. To her, it's the end of the world now that Zeke's dead. I just hope she at least tries during her final fear landscape. I don't think I could survive life in Dauntless without a friend like her, and I don't think she could survive being factionless, only because she loves the good things in life, and factionless definitely doesn't have a lot of those.
"You ready? You're up really soon," I ask her. She lets out a deep sigh.
"Yeah, I guess, whatever." She walks over to the chair as the other girl is getting up. Roxxy doesn't look the least bit nervous as she sits down in the chair, in fact, she looks rather indifferent. Four talks to her for a little bit while he sticks wires into her head. After that, she takes a shot of a liquid and her eyes glaze over, then close.
Roxxy finishes in about 13 minutes, which is pretty good considering she was facing all her fears. She walks over to where I'm standing and gestures towards the door.
"I'm gonna go. I don't really want to be around here. I'm gonna start packing up my bed, just to be prepared," she says and walks quickly out of the room. I don't get a chance to ask her how the fear landscape was because she's already out the door, but her face was bright red and her eyes had tears in them. Roxxy needs some serious therapy right now.
I count the initiates who haven't gone yet and it seems I only have a few ahead of me, so I decide to go sit down on a bench. I spot Eric in a glass box upstairs standing with other Dauntless leaders. He looks tense but very professional. He's studying the screen showing the Candor boy's fears. His eyebrows are pinched together, and his lips are pressed into a thin line. He looks old when he's working. He definitely doesn't look 19. I look at him a little longer, and for the slightest moment he looks over at me. His expression doesn't change, we just stare at each other for a bit. Every time he looks at me he gives me butterflies. It's never gone away. I thought maybe after kissing him it would somehow settle down my feelings for him and move on, but that's not the case. He excites me. In Erudite he wasn't half the man he is now. Here, he is strong, fierce, scary, but still sweet. He just draws me in, and now I don't think I'll be able to get out. I give him a soft smile, and he looks away. I focus my attention back on the Candor boy, whose face is very pink.
After about another hour of waiting, my name pops up on the dashboard. I walk over to the fear simulation chair and greet Four.
"Are you ready?" he asks me. I'm not sure if I am. Of course, I won't have any problem going through the simulations, but I might have a problem concealing my Divergence and although Jeanine knows I am already, there's no saying one of her employees won't kill me themself. Four has kind of trained me how to handle fears the way a Dauntless would, but sometimes I goof up and do something that shows my Divergence. So I plaster a brave face and lie.
"Yea, I'm ready." He nods his head and explains the "rules". My palms grow sweaty, and I find it more difficult to pay attention to what he's saying. Zeke died for being Divergent, and if I expose myself during my fear landscape, I could have the same fate as him.
"Good luck, initiate, you got this," he says, and without warning, he injects me with the fluid, warm in my body, and I drift into the simulation.
When I've fully emerged in the simulation, I open my eyes. I'm on a tall building, high off the ground. The building is crumbling beneath me, and it looks like it will fall apart at any second. I'm not that afraid of heights, so I'm not freaking out, but I definitely don't want to fall. All of a sudden the floor I'm standing on starts to fall apart, bits and pieces plunging to the ground. I'm taken off balance when my feet lose their grip, and I grasp my hands around a pole to keep me from falling. My heart beats faster as I try to keep myself from falling. I manage to pull myself up onto a ledge, but right when I step on it, it crumbles away like the first ledge. I shout in frustration as I catch myself right before I fall. I try to think about how I can get out of this situation as a Dauntless. What would a Dauntless do?
I realize that a Dauntless wouldn't be afraid to fall.
I take a deep breath and push myself up onto another ledge. Before it can fall, I hurl myself up onto the ledge above it and then repeat it until I get to the sturdy level of the building. Right when I reach the level, I collapse and everything disappears. I can't see anything.
The dark. This is one of the fears I've yet to fully face. I try to find a wall to punch through like last time, but I can't. It's just darkness. There's no end to it. I start to hear whispers around me, one in my ear, the other behind me. Then something screams right in front of my face, and I can't help but shriek. I run away from it, but I rationalize my actions. They can't hurt me. They aren't real. The dark is just playing tricks on me. I take deep breaths and let the whispers grow louder. I slow my breathing and my heart rate and then fall into the next fear: Betrayal.
Eric and Trent are in front of me, laughing loudly. They both have a gun pointed at my head.
"You useless piece of shit," Trent spits, "you are the reason I'm dead. Now it's your turn."
He cocks his gun and his finger teases the trigger. Eric smirks and tightens his grip on his gun as well. They start walking towards me, cornering me in the room. I look around for an escape. There isn't one.
"I'm so sorry Trent. I tried to save you-"
"Shut up. Mom and dad were right. You should've died instead of me." He is about to shoot, and I look at Eric for help. He laughs at me, a deep, brooding laugh.
"You think I would help you? You don't mean anything to me," Eric spits at me.
Tears reach my eyes before I can stop them, and I bite down on my cheek. I need to get out of this. This isn't real. They don't mean this. I get up and take the gun from Eric's hand. I hold it up to my head and shoot myself. At least I will earn points for dignity in this fear.
After I go through seven more fears that I've never faced before, I'm done with the fear landscape. I wake up sweaty, and I wipe my palms on my jeans. I see Four smiling at me, and he gives me a hug.
"Congratulations. You've done the best so far. You're officially finished with initiation!" he says, and I give him a wide grin. An overwhelming sense of relief flows through me. I smile wider as I imagine my life as an official Dauntless member. Patrolling the city, drinking with my friends, spending more time with Eric. Throughout this initiation I've been so focused on getting through that I didn't even think about what life would be like afterward. I think I will finally feel like I belong somewhere. I'll finally have a family I spent my whole life lacking.
The rest of the simulations go by faster than expected, and soon we are all gathered in the dining hall, in front of a large screen that will announce our rankings. Roxxy is next to me and is looking a little better than before. She has a slight look of excitement on her face, and I wrap one of my arms around her shoulders, wanting to share this moment with her.
"Are you ready for this?" She grunts in response. Eric and Max enter the room, and they are whispering seriously to each other. Then Eric steps up to the podium and gives a sharp smile to us, and starts talking.
"Congratulations initiates. You've made it to the end of initiation. To the initiates that didn't make it, just know it's been a pleasure training you. To the initiates that have, welcome to your new life in Dauntless." Eric shuffles away from the screen, and it lights up, showing the names of initiates. I squint my eyes looking for my name and find it.
3. Lacy Rownings