CHAPTER 9
Hours later I'm sitting in Honeymaren's closed pub, at one of the tables. I cross my legs and my fingers sighing heavily. She's running around to gather whatever she's searching for, probably glasses, and the silence is so unbearable I can't stand it anymore. I start tapping on the table with my fingers.
"So… what did you want to talk about? What is this awesome news you wanted to announce?". I ask. My arms are crossed and so are my legs. I look at her with a smug face and she raises her eyebrows. I can see she is nervous now and that is not a good start. It means she's gonna tell me something I won't like and she knows it.
"Do you want something to drink? I remember I have one of those bottles that you liked so much, somewhere". She asks, changing the topic and I refuse. Here we go. She already wants to numb me so she can get away with it. She searches behind the counter and finds it.
"Drinking with you always means that I find myself in some tough position, so no. I'll pass". I try to say, but she doesn't listen. She opens the bottle and pours some of the liquor in it in a glass and pushes it under my nose. "You know this won't make me soft about what you're probably going to tell me". She smiles sadly and sits on the chair across from mine. She's not drinking this time and that puts me on the defensive. "I feel it's not good news, is it?".
"It depends on what you're expecting". She says, smiling uncertain and I laugh quietly, shaking my head and keeping my eyes low. I'm expecting bad news.
"Oh, now it's on me?". I joke, tapping on the table with my fingers, hardly. "Ok… ok… let's hear it?".
"You know... the divorce was approved. The papers must have had to arrive to you too". She starts, pressing her hands on the table and I bite my lips. I know where this is going and I don't like it.
"The divorce I specifically asked for?". I ask, feigning innocence. "Yeah. It took a while, but… I got the news. Thank you".
"Well". Her lips become a thin line. "Listen, I know we are supposed to sign them to confirm it and I thought that, maybe… you would think against it". I stop her immediately. I don't even want to know where she's trying to go with that phrase.
"I don't want you back". I intercept, surprising her. She falls silent. "You cheated on me and in the most horrible way possible I might add. You slept with my best friend. There is no way we are getting back together. I can't forgive you".
"But you are willing to fuck with me every other day". She says with resentment and I bite my lips again. She's not yet learned that I don't like that kind of language. My fingers finally stop drumming against the wood. Now my hand lies flat on it.
"Actually I am here to ask you to stop. Stop calling me, stop inviting me here". I say and she looks at me as if she didn't expect that answer. "I think we've been tiptoeing around this too much for it to still be considered sane. I want to cut it off. Forever, this time". I insist. "Don't get me wrong. It was fun. We had to come to terms with the situation. But this has to stop now. Our life together is over. If you want to get back to the point we were when you decided you didn't like it anymore... No. I can't give you that trust". I smile gently. "There's a condition in our divorce contract. Do you remember? No getting back".
"You're pragmatic as always". She says, clearly disappointed. "Even when we were together. It was just… a matter of business for you".
"That's a skill you specifically forced me to use against you. You can't blame me for it. I had to protect myself". I intercept, immediately entering defensive mode.
"Have you ever loved me, Elsa?". She asks and I now know we are playing the blame game. We always do this. We blame each other for the turn our life took and then we… I clear my throat.
"Before you cheated on me, ruined my life and set everything on flames, creating a monstrous inferiority complex between me and Olaf, for which we fight daily?". I swing my head. "Hm… yes. Yes I did". I confess. "I fought my father for you and I married you. If that's an indication for anything. I have never done this for anyone else, so…". I get the glass on the table and I swallow it. She's finally done it. Making me desire a drink. Only thinking about the whole ordeal makes me uneasy. I groan from the sourness. I push the empty glass in her direction, asking her to refill it.
"Don't you want to go back to those days when we were happy together?". She asks, filling the glass with the whiskey bottle she had placed on the table. Instinctively I shake my head.
"Just to replay everything back from the start?". I ask, downing the second glass. "Hmm… no". I ask sincerely. I clear my throat. "I have Anna now. I have responsibilities. I can let her go like that to play this game with you. She needs me more than you ever did. And she… probably cares more than you ever did". I say, licking my lips. "And also, I don't love you anymore".
"That hurts". She groans.
"Isn't it true, though?". I ask and I wait expectantly. "Isn't it ironic that the only person that loves me the most is also the one I can't love back?". I breathe. My mind is already going places. The alcohol is definitely kicking in now. I clear my voice. "Tell me why you called me here and let's cut it. I can imagine you didn't want to talk about the divorce. Are you pregnant perhaps?". I ask and now I'm getting a little crossed.
"No". She says immediately and I breathe a sigh of relief I didn't know I was holding. "But I could be if you wanted to". She announces and my eyes snap open in confusion. I don't have time to ask what she means, that she takes out of the counter a paper bag full of documents and she places it in front of my face. "Read it". She says. I've already had enough of this, but what other choice do I have? I've come this far… might as well play her game for a while. I open the folder and check the inside. I am very surprised to read what's written in it. I look at her with my mouth agape.
"You can't be serious". I say out of breath, but she smiles and she nods, sitting on the chair across from mine. "When did you receive this?". I point at the documents and she bites her lips.
"The other day. I called you as soon as I could". Honeymaren says. "I thought you would like it. Olaf had to sign it in the end. My lawyers got it as compensation. And I thought that if he broke our marriage, he might as well put it back together. That's the good news". She says, pointing at the package. I say no with my head. "We still could make it, Elsa… fuck the divorce".
"No…". I say and I look at her in the eyes. "Still going around my back with him, are you?".
"Hardly. It was just meant to be a surprise". Honeymaren says. "I thought it would make you happy. Isn't this what you always wanted? To have a family? Well… with Olaf's help, now we could…".
"This won't solve anything". I say, closing the folder. I don't want to set my eyes on that paper as long as I live. "And I think I now understand why he is desperately trying to get me convicted now". I say, realizing everything. "He's trying to get some kind of revenge on me. For all this you have been pulling around my back as usual". And then my thought goes to Anna. I cover my eyes. Damn… how could I be so stupid.
I get up and she looks at me in confusion.
"I think we said everything we had to say to each other". I say in a final tone. "Please don't call me anymore and please… please, sort things out with Olaf. I'm really starting to get tired of the both of you bickering. This is getting unpleasant. I don't want for the two of you to drag Anna into this". I get up and place the glass on the table. Honeymaren looks at me with a sad face.
"Is this your last word on it?". She asks and I confirm. She doesn't seem happy about it. "I know you're enraged with me and Olaf and that your mother's death and all that came after hasn't helped, but you are making a mistake here. You're not good at processing feelings Els. It's still so clear…". She points at me, as I desperately try to escape from all of this. "It has been rough months for you. I'm sure you feel confused and overwhelmed, but shutting everyone out is not the cure. Think about it". I don't want to listen and I walk back to the front door, but even before I can set a foot out, she seems to feel the desire to tell me the last important thing. "She's not gonna cure your solitude, you know". She is resentful and I am resentful of her for saying it. I turn my back and get out.
I walk back to the parking lot, I get in my car, I sit in it, I lock the door. I press my head on the steering wheel and then I stop moving. I close my eyes, breathe in and out heavily for moments, to ride the panic that has taken possess of me. Ansia is a bitch. It takes me moments but my mind finally registers that I am alone and my shoulder relaxes and then I finally breathe one last sigh of relief. Silence for once, just silence. My thoughts come back timidly, now that my rage is disappearing and that my ears have stopped ringing that much. My heart slowly gets back to beating normally and I finally feel… safe. I gulp down in relief.
I stay motionless for moments, listening to nothing, pressing my hands together and then, to my own surprise one sob forces itself out of me. And while my brain, analytical and sharp as ever, registers it as something out of me, something that is not meant to happen and tries to shut it up… my body is not responding. Other sobs follow and before I can even notice, I'm crying. My eyes fill with tears, my breath starts hiccupping and trembling.
"Don't cry… It's so pathetic. You have no reason to cry now". I command myself, drying my tears with the back of my pullover sleeve. But my voice is thin and has lost all of the commanding verve of it. I sigh, swallowing down all of my feelings with force and I lean on the back of the seat. Silence is so undervalued…
And then something knocks on my car's window. I jump up in fear, holding my heart and trying to recollect myself enough to understand what's happening and why my personal moment has come to an end so abruptly. And when I look at the door, my eyes snap open. Anna is knocking on the window with a worried look on her face. She keeps on knocking insistently, while my brain tries to take back possession of all of its functions. I look at her still not believing. She must be Anna, but it can't be… we're two hundreds and fifty miles from Arendelle.
"Are you crying?". She asks and her voice is panicking now. She's worried. Her eyebrows nearly touch from confusion and fear. She tries to open the door, with a rage fit, but it's clearly locked, so she knocks again. "Open up!". She commands, even if her voice is barely audible. "Open up now!". She pulls the knob so forcefully I fear she's gonna break it. Damn Anna. And there my brain starts working again. I push the door's button and she opens the door. She immediately jumps at my neck, hugging me and holding me as hard as she can. Is she trying to choke me? I can't breathe.
"Ok…". I whisper, out of air. "Ok, enough". I command, but she's not letting go. She holds me harder if possible and I feel myself starting to suffocate. "Anna…". I warn her but she's not listening and I soon understand why. She's crying too. She's whining too, loudly, sniffling. She holds on to me for dear life. No… she's actually holding on to me like I'm going to die. She pulls on my pullover and on my head to get the most closer to me she is able to. What is happening? I think she's having a nervous reaction.
"I was… so… scared". She sobs. What's with this fight or flight reaction? She can't be so scared because I was crying. "Don't leave me Elsa. I'll be good. Please". And when she starts trembling like a leaf from head to toes I'm scared she's going to faint and I have to hold her back. "Olaf told me…". She cries. "Olaf told me you were here with your wife…". And as she says this, everything downs on me. I close my eyes and I feel myself freeze. I understand what's happening now. "Don't leave me".
She's jealous. She's so jealous and scared she can't even talk. And the only way her body knows to vent up her frustration and her fear… is this one. More to a primitive level than a conscious one.
I look up to her shoulder and I see Olaf there, smiling and waving at me with his hand, with his naive expression… maybe a too smug one. A picture of Anna sitting in his car for five hours straight with the thought of me cheating on her pure and faithful heart, crosses my mind. I can imagine him trying to corrupt the idealized image she has of me, all the way in those five hours and finally succeeding in it to a so fundamental core, that she is reduced to a bubbling mess. She's just a kid for heaven's sake. There was no need to do this to her.
I feel something bubbling from inside my guts. It's something I don't usually feel, because it's the only emotion I know so well I can control, but now… I feel so enraged. I'm literally fuming. My nostrils flare. I want to punch him! In the face! I need to calm down, but Anna's constant crying isn't helping my cause, so I pat her back gently.
"Oh, Anna… I'm so happy you came to wish me happy birthday". I lie shamelessly, glaring at Olaf, who's clearly enjoying himself. Anna seems to get rigid somehow. I'm sure she didn't expect for me to be so compliant. How to blame her. She finally lets me go, to look at me in the eyes. Hers are red and puffy. Her aquamarine irids stand out on everything else. Her cheeks are covered in tears and her face is so pale her red lips look even more red. She sniffles.
"Are you?". She asks with some levels of uncertainty in her voice. She hiccups trying to contain herself. She knows I'm lying, but she is so appalled that she doesn't seem to care. I nod even if I can't force a smile out of myself and my face stays stern and emotionless. I pull up my thumbs and dry her eyes carefully. I don't want to hurt her, so I press my fingertips on her skin only when needed.
"Yeah, baby". I breathe and she gulps down her tears with her lips still trembling. She lowers her gaze. "Get in the car". She looks at me as if she can't believe her ears, so I take her hands in mine and nod, waiting for it to sink. "We are going on a trip. Only the two of us. I need to talk to you". Her mouth falls agape and then she obeys. It was simple like that.
"I need to get my bag… and I have no clothes…".
"No need for them". I say and I get off of the car as she becomes a pale shade of magenta. I motion for the passenger's seat. "I need to talk with Olaf for a second". I stand beside her, before she gets around the car and climbs inside. She's so small, so fragile. I walk to Olaf, who pushes his back away from the car and smiles at me.
"Elsa! Nice to see you". He tries, but my hand on his cheek is faster. The slap is so clear even Anna turns to look at us. "What is this for?".
"I know what game you are playing…". I breathe menacingly. My teeth are closed so tightly they are starting to hurt. I see realisation in his eyes even if he tries everything in his power to fake it. "You solve your problems and keep Anna out of this, you hear me? Or I'm gonna hunt you down to hell". He gasps and stays motionless. "I hope you are ready to clear your desk, because I've had enough of your games". I say and pull out my hand. "My stuff, please".
He sighs. He knew what he was going to get, that's for sure, because he doesn't even try to replicate. He just takes the keys of both my houses, the company's pass, the phone I gave him and passes them to me. Then he opens the car back seat and gives me Anna's backpack. I take it.
"Was it so difficult to wait like I asked you to?". I ask and he remains silent. "Did you really think I wouldn't notice?". He doesn't say anything and I know this is just part of his plan. He never surrenders like this. He is too smart for not having considered this eventuality. "Get your head off of things for a while and then… you can come back". I say this, but he knows there is no chance. I stuff his things in Anna's bag and I notice something in there. Something shiny. I close it as fast as I can before really finding out and I get back to my car. Olaf is standing there now. Not as smug as before. I pull Anna's backpack on the back seat and climb behind the wheel. She looks at me.
"What has happened?". She asks, but I shake my head.
"Nothing". I answer and I know this is not enough to calm her curiosity, but she doesn't ask. She seems so happy to have my attention that she puts her safety belt on and waits patiently for us to take off. We drive across the parking lot under Olaf's gaze, before getting inside the road. I'm still angry. The vein in my temple is still pulsing. While we wait for the traffic to let us in, I text Marshall, my second P.A. not to let Olaf near the company ever, at any cost. If he thinks I'm an idiot, he's gonna have a surprise.
"Where are we going?". Anna asks, looking at the road and I hold the steering wheel with consciousness now. I had planned for it to be a surprise but Olaf and Honeymaren ruined it. I'm not in the mood for going through this anymore.
"I'm taking you to a nice place for a while. I want to spend some time with you". I say and my tone sounds more commanding than caring. I feel like I'm scolding her, but she looks surprised. She smiles and jumps happily in her seat and this… this forces a subtle smile out of me. The things this kid does to me… She holds her trembling hands together. She seems nervous but also excited about it and then she snaps, making me and my heart leap.
"I forgot the cake in Olaf's car!". She exclaims. Damn… she nearly had me there. I breathe out a trembling sigh, and try to calm my heart, patting on it with my hand. Shush, shush, everything's fine, I say to it. I don't like sudden scare jumps, but she doesn't seem to notice. She's too concerned. "Oh, I'm sorry Elsa… I worked so hard on it and now you have no cake".
"Don't worry. You will have time and space to bake another if you want to". I assure, placing a hand on her tight. She immediately falls silent, looking at me. "I was going to come get you. There was no reason for you to come all the way here". I say and she looks at me like she doesn't believe it. "I've been planning this for days. Olaf knew that".
"He did?". Of course she doesn't know about it. "But you came all the way here…".
"It was just for the morning. I had to set some things". I confess and she looks at me, waiting for the moment I'm gonna explain everything to her. I press my lips tight and I decide that this mystery holding has to end. "I had to talk to her. We got the divorce and she wanted to…". I gulp down. I don't want to talk about it. I look at the road, trying to find the words. "She proposed to me to have a baby together". I say and as I do, the words sound so stupid and umbelievable to me I even chuckle, but when I turn to look at Anna, I find she's having another reaction entirely.
She seems on the verge of puking. She's so pale her eyes cave in and her stomach is turning so painfully I swear I can feel it myself, she grimaces in distress and I mimic her for a second. Damn… she's so readable it's also hurtful to watch. And now I know, from the way she looks away and forces herself to smile even if she doesn't have it in herself. I know that she really loves me the way she claims. Otherwise, why would she feign her pain?
"Lovely". She says. Her voice is strained and choked. That's it. She doesn't even try to change the topic. She doesn't try to run away from it. Not emotionally and neither physically. My poor baby.
"I said no. Nothing happened". I say, but she doesn't seem relieved. Her face is still frowned. She looks at me and then at the window in total silence. "I think this is it". I conclude and she nods, understanding. We stay in silence long, also because I think we're both tired. It has been a difficult day and it's only three o'clock yet.
She dozes off somewhere halfway. I find out, not only because she stops moving but because I can feel her snoring lightly. I turn to look at her and I immediately remember that time on the plane. I find myself smiling again. She's so cute when she sleeps. I don't really know if she would be able to sleep anywhere or if she just trusts me enough to be that vulnerable around me. She presses her face on the window and keeps on sleeping soundly. And then, only then I dare reach out and brush her cheek with the back of my index. Her skin is warm and soft. I feel a jolt cross my back, but I shut it up. I press my hand on her head and she groans in satisfaction. I take back my hand when I'm sure she won't wake up and I keep on driving.
Slowly the landscape in the back turns into woods and the road becomes a muddy lane. On my left down hill is a small wooden village, with its smoking chimneys and on my right is the mountain. I turn right and at some point a gate opens for me in the middle of the woods. I push the button on my remote control and finally we are crossing the pathway to my winter house. It opens in front of us, well me since Anna's still sleeping, the image of a wooden cottage. The sky is cloudy and I know it will probably snow soon. We arrived just in time.
I park in front of the house and when I get off I hear it. The silence. Nature is quiet here and we are surrounded by it. I sigh in relief. There's no one here for miles and miles. No one who could spy on us, no one who could interrupt us, but most importantly and fearfully, no one who could save me from her. I had been scared to take her here before, but now I feel it's fine… I feel it's right. I need to share this with her.
So I open her door and pull her up. She groans, but doesn't wake up. She's a heavy sleeper all right! Mostly heavy. I huff as I hold her on my shoulder, closing the door with my foot. She doesn't move an inch. At this point any human being would have woken up, at least for a surviving instinct. But not her. No madam!
I carry her all the way to the porch. I stand there huffing for a while as I search for my keys in my pockets and then finally the door opens. No one comes here so the place is exactly as I left it last time I was here. Dark, cold and messy. Exactly as I love it. I get inside, close the uptenth door and carry her to what I know is a couch. I slowly lean her on it and then I strip her of her coat. She swallows with a string of saliva running down her mouth. She must have been tired. I tuck her arm, that's swinging off the couch, on her stomach and I cover her with the first blanket I find on the back of the couch. She does the rest, curling up on one side and muttering something incomprehensible.
I muffle a laugh with my hand and I crawl in silence towards the point I know there's a fireplace. I work minutes in the dark to find all of the resources I need and then, finally a fire sparks bright, lighting the room a bit. I sigh in satisfaction, sitting in front of it. The light is the first thing that comes out of it, but in time the smell of burnt pine fills the room and there's the warmth. I breathe in and out a couple of times. Why does this feel like home to me? I could sit here for hours, but I know I have things to do, so I get up and exit the house again while Anna sleeps and I go checking that we still have enough wood for our staying in the shed and unpacking the groceries I had prepared.
When I get back to the still dimly lit living room she's still sleeping soundly. This time I can't really let her be, so I lean on her and blow on her ear. She immediately awakes with a start. I chuckle as she turns to look at me, confused and with her ears red til the tips. I think I found her soft spot. She blushes profusely, covering them as if she knows that I'm looking at them. I smile at her with all of my teeth and she deadpans at me with her eyes big.
"How long do you plan on snoring, sleepyhead?". I ask, mocking her and she pouts and her eyebrows frown. She's comically cute now. With her face all puffy and read from embarrassment and sleep and that angry expression of hers. "We need to head out".
"I'm not a sleepyhead". She groans, really feeling the need to clarify it and looking around herself to understand where I took her. She can't really see much now, since the only light is the fire. "Where are we again?". She asks but I just shrug. If she had wanted to know she only had to stay awake. "Feeling mischievous today, are you?". I chuckle.
"Maybe". I whisper and she flares even more if she can. I'm getting a like to tease her. She goes where I want her to without me even trying. Oh, I would love to get inside her head to see what she's thinking now, even if I can imagine it. "So… I'm going. Are you coming?". I ask and she looks outside the window on the stairs on the other side of the house. She sees the sky and shivers.
"Do we really need to?". She asks genuinely. "Can't we stay in instead? We could… I don't know… cuddle?". It seems her brain is already going places after being awake for five seconds, but I don't care because I notice her good mood is back too.
"It's my birthday. Would you want to disappoint me?". I say pouting like a wounded puppy. I try my deer eyes, but she doesn't fall for them. She grimaces in heavy thought, so I have to use the 'ultimate excuse'. I get up and I shrug casually. "Ok, I am going alone then". I say and I stroll back to the entrance where I left my coat. "You can stay, but don't wait for me. I'm probably going to come back late. I'll drink and maybe I'll find a boy or two to have fun with". I haven't yet finished saying it, that she makes a face. A horrified one. I can hear the siren alarm going off in her head from here.
"No boys! No alcohol!". She exclaims offended and I smile evilly. As I said she's too simple to turn in my hands.
"What would you know… You won't be there to check on me, so…". She groans and gets up as fast as she can. Good girl, Anna. She gets her coat back on, muttering profanities about boys and I bite down a chuckle. I take a beanie and I press it on her head, before I put a scarf on her. "So, you are coming?". I ask feigning innocence and she looks at me unemotionally.
"Shut up". She breathes and this time I laugh. She blushes again, the poor thing. Just now that she had regained her composure. As I open the door, she precedes me out and she's jumping. A rage jumping. I think only her can do that. "What are we waiting for?". She asks, reaching the car. "Boys!". She scoffs. "You are too young for boys missy".
"I'm older than you by ten years". I retort, but this doesn't stop her from saying:
"You will never be old enough for boys". And now, if I really had wanted to, I could have won this battle, but instead I bite my lips, guide her across the porch and in the lawn that will lead us to the next village. Better to go on foot. I don't want to risk my car. I gulp down my laugh. I let her have it for now. I'll hide that phrase in a dark corner of my mind to pull it out when most needed. When she doesn't expect it.
We walk then and I feel my ears, my nose and my fingers become redder and redder from the cold. I cover my hands in my pocket as she looks at me. She seems worried about it, but she doesn't say a word about it. She's too concerned pouting right now. Luckily I'm not one who extremely feels the cold.
"Why are you pouting now?". I ask, curious. I have to follow her slowly. I never had that spark in me that she's showing, leaping here and there like a bunny. I am old inside. "Is it for boys or because you didn't want to come?".
"I'll have you know that I'm pouting because I wanted to cuddle!". She yells back at me and I realize. Oh… that seems fair. I smile. She's a horny teen, after all and I'm suddenly realizing, I could be having this way worse. She could be following boys… or girls, but as long as she's directing all of those attentions to me, I don't need to worry, right? I am in control of her. No kissing in the back of my car… no sudden surprises. My brain claps at the awesomeness of it. "Could we just cuddle? It's cold out here! My feet are freezing". She snaps, jumping up and down and now I get she's doing all of this to get warm. "How can you be so comfortable with this?".
"I've lived here for years". That's my answer. "I'm used to it". We cross a bridge and I'm fairly scared that she's gonna fall off. Hopefully it won't happen and when we are near the village I feel more reassured.
When the village comes into sight with it's chimneys, the white roofs and it's lights in the dark of winter Norway, I see her eyes snap open. I think she likes it.
"What is that?". She asks, pointing at the sky and looking at me.
"Oh, that's the aurora". I say as we walk. her nose is pointing up and even if it's a dim light she seems entranced by it. The reds and blues and greens that move against the dark of the sky are catching her attention. "You are very lucky to get to see it the first day you're here at this hour". I sigh, sadly. "Even the sky is spoiling the fun. I hoped to get you to see it better in the next few days, but there the universe goes". I groan pointing at everything, but she's not really listening to me. She's so entranced she nearly slips and I have to keep her upright. She chuckles and smiles at me.
"Ooops! Sorry".
"Don't worry baby, it's fine". I say, but as I feel her getting close and hug me I get nervous and rigid. I don't like to be touched, but she doesn't care. She does it all the same, patting my back as if she's trying to warm me. She smiles all too viciously. "Did you do that on purpose? The fall?". I ask, suddenly self-conscious, but she says no with her head.
"No, but no need to waste it". She confesses, grinning like a fool. Oh! She's too feisty! I push her away gently and set her back in motion.
"You sly fox!". I exclaim and we both laugh. "Get moving! Stop harassing me!". Anna smiles big and happily and jumps away. She pulls her tongue out and runs in the street. I'm scared that she's going to fall again, but she seems to be fine. Maybe she's too elated, but that's not bad. It was exactly what I was aiming for. I just thought I would need more days to get there. She starts visioning the shops that are still open, pressing her nose on the windows. "Anna!". I call her, climbing the stairs of the nearest pub, she looks up and runs to me. We then get inside.
In the pub the lights are yellow and the walls are covered with stems and shelves full of glass pints. Inside the temperature is at least twenty degrees more. I feel my frozen face start to unfreeze immediately. I waste no time in taking off my coat and hanging it on the wall, near the other fifty. Anna copies me a bit worried.
"Are you sure someone is not gonna steal them?". She breathes and I can understand her worries, but I shake my head. We all do it here. She just needs to understand that we are not in America anymore. I point to one of the free wooden tables and she precedes me. She sits looking directly at the door and I sit in front of her. She looks at the menu and I suppose she points at something randomly, since there's no way she can read it. "I want this". She announces.
"That's alcohol, baby". I warn her, leaning on the back of the bench and she nods. Was she conscious about it?
"Yeah… me and my friends always drink it". She says as if it's a normal thing. I am her sister! And to start the evening with a confession wasn't exactly what I planned. Who are these friends? I don't want her to drink! I think at some point she notices that I am conflicted about it. She snorts. "Relax… it's just a drink. I'm not gonna die".
"No". I intercept categorically.
"No?". She asks in confusion. "What does that mean?".
"You're not gonna drink that. It's alcohol and you're a minor". I explain as if it was not obvious already. She looks at me unimpressed. She doesn't even try to throw a fit. "I don't want you to get used to it and I want to talk to your friends parents when we are back".
"Elsa, calm down". She says and now she's reprimanding me! How incredible. "I will be eighteen in three months. It's fine. It's not like I'm a child. I'll be allowed to drink". She says and I take the menu from her hands, placing it on the table for the both of us to see.
"Even if so, that's only for beer. In this country the minimum age for drinking strong alcohol, like that is, is 20 and I won't assume no responsibility for you to break the law". I intercept and she groans, rolling her eyes. "So you can order from… this section". I say, placing a finger on it.
"Are you serious? Who even makes these laws?". She asks, offended. "Should I drink water at a pub?". She asks. So she can read after all! I nod and, after a second of disdain, her expression changes. She thinks about it, she nods and then she chuckles. I feel scared now. What is she plotting? "Then you're going to drink water too". She offers. "Both of us or neither".
"I am of age".
"Yes you are". She crosses her fingers and smiles evilly. She looks at me haughtily as if she's already won the game. "But the more you get drunk, the more I will have fun with you when we get back. So either we both drink or neither of us does". I try to understand if I got her right and I find out I did! She's menacing me now!
"Naughty baby…". I murmur, offended. I knew I shouldn't have let her stay at Olaf's. That damn boy. He has already corrupted her. "Why do I feel like staying too much with Olaf ruined you?". I breathe and I take the menu to read it again. It's not like I can't compete with her, but I'm asking myself if my next move is necessary. It's clear that she doesn't want to listen, so… "You're right. Let's just have dinner. I'll take a steak then and a coke. I was hungry anyway".
"Oh, come on!". She snaps, pointing at me as if she can't believe it and now I know I won. I mentally put away the chessboard on which I was scoring our moves and I try to cover my pleased smile, behind the menu as she fumes and tries to get out of the trap she set on her own for herself. Naughty baby has to learn, yet. But it's then I hear an alcoholic laugh coming from the table next to us, on the other wall. A man is leaning over with his red face and his friends seem equally amused.
"Missy, no one is gonna ask you ID here. Just have fun". He says and I look at him with a glance that can kill. Why shall I have the pleasure of meeting the only Norwegian who had been well prepared to talk to foreigners while drunk, here of all places? He must be so drunk he doesn't even notice it, because he keeps on smiling, so I have to use the old manners. I clear my throat.
"Sir, det hører ikke med deg. Vend deg om". I say in my most perfect Norwegian, with a commanding tone and he looks at me with such surprise I really think, now, that he had thought we were foreigners. Well… Anna actually is, but still. He raises both of his hands, excuses himself and all of his group start feigning this interaction has never happened.
"What did you say?". Anna asks, but then she shakes it off, swinging her head. She doesn't care, because she's too worried to get her moves back on the board. I sigh and I know this game is not over yet. I place my mental chessboard back in place again, unpleased. I immediately know that she has had enough time to come up with some other reply and I patiently wait to hear it. "Anyway… You heard him. I can drink". She moves, but I shake my head.
"He is drunk". I answer. That's a perfect defense. "I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't know what he was talking about at all". I see the man looking at us with curiosity and I electrocute him with my eyes. He immediately shuts up. He has done enough! Is it that difficult to understand? Anna shakes her head. She's trying to find an overture.
"Yeah, but he is right, isn't he? I'm practically an adult and just now you said that beers are permitted to eighteen year olders, right?". She asks. "I want a beer. If I don't drink heavy alcohol, it's fine, right?". She insists and I sigh, thinking of the board and all the moves. Why do I feel like that is a check?
"Technically not yet". I cover, trying to gain time to think of something that will help me here. I start tapping on the table with my fingers. I'm starting to get nervous and to lose my temper. That man ruined it for me!
"Not yet". She confirms. "But just a beer won't kill me and also, you forced me out because you wanted to drink". She presses on. "And now you don't want to let me party with you. How unfair is that?". I think of the board frantically. She's getting better and I'm getting more anxious by the second. I'm losing focus and I fear that if she keeps on going like this, it will be a checkmate at some point.
"Is it alcohol so important for you? Can't you just enjoy being with me?". I ask, following her game like a puppet now and before I can realise it, I find out she's won me this time. I followed her exactly where she wanted me to be. A sequence of moves I would like to call the 'guilt trip'.
"No… it's not the alcohol per se". She answers. "But it's your birthday party, Els… and I want to enjoy it, but at the same time I want to be part of it too. Do you get me? If you drink and I can't, I'll feel like you left me out. I don't want to be the only sober one here. And also I can't force you not to. I don't want to ruin your birthday for you. Please let me enjoy it. If you wanted to have fun alone you didn't have to bring me here at all". And I can hear the resentment in her voice. I close my eyes and I mentally lower my king. That's totally a checkmate. Well played brat.
"Fine…". I surrender, mortified. "But just one beer. I don't want for you to wake up in the morning with a hangover. If we have to spend our trip home because you're being sick, I'm gonna be crossed". I say and she nods. I'm scared by her complacence, but since she agreed, there is nothing I could possibly do. I get up to order.
When I come back with our glasses, she's chatting with the men from the table over. Doesn't she know that talking with strangers is not safe? Well… there's nothing I could do about it anyway. She seems just like that. I put the tray with our food and drinks on the table between us and she lits, waving goodbye at her new friends and concentrating solely on me.
"I thought that eating something would have helped you. It's always better to drink with a full belly". I say, sitting back. I push the burger in front of her and she nods. She bites it like she is famished and only now I realise that maybe she hasn't eaten all day. She moans in pleasure. Poor baby. I feel so guilty now. I should have asked her. I take my beer glass and my crackers and I stare at her while she eats. She looks like a hungered kitty. She bites as big as she can filling her mouth completely to the point she can't even chew. I smile sadly and I start playing with the hem of my glass. "Is it good?". She hums to confirm. "Good".
She eats… she stuffs her mouth happily and she even licks her fingers at the end. She drinks her beer hastily, a big gulp after another and when she's full and her glass of beer is half-empty, she just sits there, satisfied, with that big smile of hers printed on her face. She even pats her belly. I scoff. What is happening to me? Why am I so fixated with her today? The only thing I can think of as I look at her is: how the hell this splendid baby ended up with me?
My mood darkens suddenly. I mean… am I not right? She deserves way better than… dead parents and a half sister that can't take care of her. She deserves to be happier, but I genuinely don't know how to do that. I never should have been put in this position in the first place. I'm not fit for anything that's not… cold and dreary. A dead ghost taking care of a flower. How ironic! I sip my drink and I look around myself now, all to avoid Anna's questioning look. She is too good at reading me when I'm in a bad mood. That shouldn't be a thing.
"Anna… there is something I've always wanted to ask you". I start, nearly whispering. I am tipsy enough now to feel confident to ask her. Her cheeks are red and her eyes lustrous, so I'm fairly sure that she must be somewhere there too. If I'm lucky she will feel too confused tomorrow to remember it. "What is it exactly that you like about me?". And I'm really curious about it. I don't feel like I have any particular skill worth of loving. It goes beyond me how she can do it.
Anna becomes a notch darker shade of magenta. She subconsciously looks at the men on the other table as if she's scared they will hear this conversation and think ill of us. I smile sardonically. Look at her going all shy about it now. This is new… I like it. I smile broadly, looking in the same directions she's looking at and then I lean forward, reducing the distance between us. I want to tease her. It's too fun to pass up the opportunity.
If she hadn't been embarrassed enough, yet, when I brush my index against her hand she seems to be having a panic attack. She pants and then gulps down and then she clears her throat, gently pulling it away. Too much overstimulation, hm? I'll remember that. She must be sensitive.
"They won't hear it". I suggest, breathing it in a sultry voice. "And even if they do… they will never know the peccaminuous detail". I look at her directly in the eyes. From the way she frantically breathes and from the scared glances she's stealing of me, I think she's starting to lose it. She's still too naive to play this game, but she wants to play the adult. Then let's see to what extent. "Because there's that detail… you know. The one you've been suggesting since you came here". And now I press my hand against hers. "You like that, right? The prohibited". I say. "So why don't you tell me what it is you like of me". And then, to my utmost surprise, she snaps. She gets up from her seat and looks at me like she's going to cry.
"No. Stop pressuring me". She breathes and then she runs away, hiding in the bathroom. I sigh and I get composed back again. I cross my fingers together and I think about it. Maybe that was really too much. I overstepped. What surprises me the most though it's not Anna's reaction. But mine. I feel disappointed. What was I expecting? I thought this was what she wanted, but I don't really know what to read in her reaction. I want to get up and follow her. I want to know if she's okay but I'm too scared. What if she's crying again? I don't want to intrude and also I'm sick of sadness for today.
But as I think of this, she comes back. It has been not even five minutes. Her face is still red as hell but it's wet now and also her bags. What did she do? She sits again and the water on her hands pools in drops on the table. My eyebrows snap up in confusion while she looks at me and she seems angry. Then I realise… she had to go cooling down.
"Feeling better?". I ask and my amused tone gives me away. She pouts and the rage in her eyes is something I never thought I would see. "Anna… I was playing with you, I'm sorry". I try to lie. Something tells me that this would be the fastest way to get out of this conversation, but this puts me in an even worse position all of a sudden, because she seems even more crossed. Ah… wrong move.
"Does this seem funny to you?". She asks and she's serious now. Something goes off in my head. An alarm. She's not playing this time. "I don't like to be mocked on this particular subject. I really feel for you, idiot". She breathes. "And you're being an asshole about it". Her tone is quiet but her emotions are not. I don't know what to say. "I've tried to be quiet about it, since you don't like it. Why all of a sudden you feel like teasing me about it would be a nice idea for a laugh? Are my feelings worth so little to you?". The change in character she's playing takes me completely off guard. I look at her and all sorts of thoughts go through my mind. She has rendered me mute. "Did you take me here to make fun of me?".
"No". I can say that much. I want to say I'm sorry. That my way of expressing myself was totally uncalled for. That I won't do it anymore, but none of that exits my mouth. I just look at her like a scolded child. "I… wanted to know". I say and my lips become a thin line as she looks at me, still enraged. I clear my throat. "I wanted to know what you think of me. I took you here because I want to get close to you". And then a second passes. "Maybe not that close".
"Really…". She groans and she looks at me emotionless. I try an embarrassed smile. Then I drink a big gulp from her glass. That's the only liquor left. She looks at me for seconds and then she seems to become pensive, more than angry. "Are you… falling for me?". She suggests squinting at me and somehow her question electrosìcutes me on the spot. I start coughing the liquid and then I scoff.
"Of course not!". I groan. "What are you thinking? I'm your…". And now it's me who feels deeply uncomfortable about our surroundings. I look at the men talking on the other table as if they could shoot me on the spot. "...That". I whisper. Anna nods as if she's heard this phrase one time too much. She mocks me this time with a scoff. She crosses her arms and looks disgusted at one side of the room to not look directly at me.
"How convenient". She murmurs. "How convenient that you use this excuse every time. But I'll tell you it's losing its force, you know. You were more convinced in the beginning". She looks at me with the back of her eye. What is she implying exactly? Then she thinks about it. This silence is killing me. "Fine, if you want to know I'll tell you what I like about you". She confirms. "Do you want a list, or do you want me to show you?". She winks at me. And finally she succeeds in what no one else ever has succeeded. She makes me blush furiously. I cover my face with my hands. What the hell is happening to us? Might be a sensation, but aren't the roles reversed now? What was in those beers? "See?". She asks exasperated. "Do you like it now, that I'm teasing you?".
"Why do I feel like this evening has gone terribly wrong?". I ask and she looks at me as if she doesn't understand what I'm talking about. I'm not used to this kind of emotional rollercoaster and neither seems she, but she seems satisfied about herself now. How comes?
"Now that we've had against each other… Could we get another beer?". She asks. "And also a slice of cake? I saw one on the counter on my way here from the bathroom. Seemed delicious". I brush back my hair and I nod. I don't know what game she's playing but I'm already losing focus. It can't get worse than this, so I nod. I pull out of my wallet the first bill I can reach for: it's a one thousand kroner bill. It's like shooting a fly with a bazooka, but I don't care anymore. I hand it over to Anna, who smiles broadly. "Really?". She asks, and I shrug.
"Why not, kid? Get in there and have fun". I say, so she takes it and jumps happily to the counter. I've lost the count on my moves by now. I don't know if I'm still playing the game or if it's the game that's playing me. What am I even doing at this point? She comes back with lots of glasses and plates and I just close my eyes and let myself be dragged by her into that blurred bliss.
At some point she starts smiling again. Her cheek and her nose become red from all the alcohol she's been drinking, but she's not a bad kid. Not at all. She doesn't destroy anything, she doesn't go wandering for the pub screaming and jumping, like I thought she would. Even if it's probably because she sees me seated and she doesn't want to disappoint me. The only thing that she can't contain as the beers reach her head is her mouth.
At the beginning she smiles more and more and then she starts talking. I try to listen to her as she talks about her friends, her school, her homeworks and even about a dog called Stella that apparently accompanies her all the way from Olaf's house to the school. Damn… I really try to listen to her and I nod and I hum, to let her know I'm following, but the more I drink the more sleepy I get. I'm still totally here… present and vigilant, but my eyes are closing for the day. Slowly… inexorably. And then… hours later… silence.
My eyes snap open and I try to understand why I don't hear her talk and then, I turn toward her and there she is. Spread on the table, deadlike. I look at her for moments and then I sigh in relief. I look at the ceiling. Thank you… I breathe and I finally get up on my wobbly drunken legs. She's a goner finally. I want to go home. I'm tired. I walk to her and I notice her devastated face. She's drooling on the table and she's snoring a bit more than usual now, with her cheek smooched over the table.
"Ha!". I chuckle, covering my lips with my hand. I take out my phone and I take a picture of her. If only she knew… I look at her for minutes. "Damn… she's cute". I follow my legs then as they leap in the direction of our coats. I feel like I'm walking on the moon. I have to dress her like a doll and I've never played dolls while drunk… fair enough I don't remember playing dolls at all. But I think it would have helped in a moment like this one. So, in my inexperience, I end up putting her coat on her in the wrong verse, her beanie down to her nose and the scarf… I don't even know how that stuff works right now, so I stuff it in her pocket for a half. It dangles freely for the other part.
When I manage to get my coat on me without entangling myself in it, I approach the toughest of tasks. I try to pull her up from my back until I finally manage to get her against me and then I give her a piggyback ride. I stumble heavily and I nearly kiss the floor. Not only because I'm drunk but because I didn't realise she would be so incredibly weighty.
"Huff… baby". I groan staggering onward, trying to coordinate both of my feet as we get out of the pub. "You need to spiser less. Hvordan can you være så tynn and så heavy på samme time. It's beyond me". And so we go. She, sleeping like a dead ass, while me… I'm desperately trying to not fall on the ice that has formed on the road during the night. So I shuffle, small step after another until finally I set foot on the snow that will take us home and I finally feel secure enough. My feet are literally freezing inside my cloth shoes, but one can't have everything from life, can't they?
We are crossing the famous bridge when she starts talking in her sleep. I groan. Does she ever stop?
"I wuw you". She breathes and, now I feel compelled to listen somehow. My heart starts to thrum in my rib cage while my guts contort in excitement. Did she say what I think she said? I feel slightly more awake now. Shush… shush! I have to listen. I try to produce the least sound I can, while I walk, because I want to understand what she's going on about. I don't care if my ears are cold, red and unwilling. "I wuw you Elsa. Oh, so much". Aw… she's so sweet. "You are so beautiful… so smart. I want to kiss the hell out of you". I still for a moment. Even my heart stops and then I laugh.
"You had to ruin it… Didn't you?". I ask and I resume walking, faster this time, because I'm tired of hearing her talk. Even more because I don't know if I should talk with her or let her vent more. And finally… At least but not last… I finally stumble into my house. I breathe the wood in the hair and I feel safe. The only insuperable obstacle that divides me and sleep is… stairs. So dready. But I have to try. I put the foot on the first step and then another and before I can even consider the possibility I am at the top. Alive.
I follow the dark corridor that opens for me and then I enter the bedroom. There is only one big bed, full of cushions. I have been dreading this moment all day, but now I'm so devastated I don't care. Sleeping with her or not… It doesn't even make my heart flutter now. My brain is shutting off and I have to move before it does definitely.
I lay Anna on her belly on the bed. I take off her hat and her shoes and the coat and I even kiss her forehead. Then I get naked, head to toe. Clothes feel constricting right now. I breathe the freedom in and my integrity out, before I slip inside the bed. I cover myself to the tip of my hair and then… Black out.