A/N: Well this took a long while. I'm very much sorry for the delay but I've just been thinking about the plot a lot. Although I'm not sure if you guys are fond of time shifts, or the concept of moving back and forth through time, because I know it might be confusing. It's just a thing that I do a lot in most of my fics, combining both the past and the future until I'm able to complete the whole picture. This is also the kind of storytelling that piques my interest a lot. Well, to each their own, I guess. I hope you like this one. Also, this is a long chapter and it was so hard for me to proofread, so I do apologize if you encounter any grammatical errors.

Note: Majority of those in italicized letters refer to the past.

"You've been so understanding, you've been so good

And I'm putting you through more than one ever should

And I'm hating myself 'cause you don't want to admit that it hurts you

I know that it breaks your heart when I cry again over him"

-Ghostin' by Ariana Grande

A twenty-year-old Karma paces aimlessly in his unkempt loft blanketed by dust, the harsh and crisp morning sunlight enters the living room in between intervals of the opaque, jalousie windows. He walks by a huge box of expired cartons of strawberry milk beside the couch as his eyes roam around the supposedly familiar loft he grew up in. Still, everything felt so foreign after so many years.

"Hey, um... it's me." He spoke with uncertainty the moment he pressed 'call,' his voice all coarse and shaky. He doesn't even have a plausible reason to do this, but he just went on with it anyway, just like he always does. "I read the letter you gave to me two years ago... and... now I figured out why you suddenly stopped seeing me since then."

He paused briefly to collate and organize his thoughts, "Look, I don't want to ruin your holidays or anything... and I don't know if you'll even hear this..." he sighed and hugged himself with one arm, rubbing the other as he tried to keep himself warm. His loft has been abandoned for years, and it was his first time coming back. Although he failed to consider both the power and water supply being cut off after being away for so long.

"I uh, I tried reaching out to you online but your name just wouldn't pop up elsewhere... which is totally reasonable because I'm an asshole and you probably don't want to do anything with me..." he continued then laughed in distress before his face suddenly went all blank again. His mood shifting all of a sudden as his lips were now quivering. He felt his chest tighten, his hands going all shaky but he persisted nonetheless, "I don't even know if you changed your number too. Well, I think you probably already did but I'm just... I'll be taking my chances here anyways and hope you hear this so..."

He could almost feel the tears fill up his eyes to the brim, glistening as his voice became even more unsteady.

"By the way, it's Christmas and here I am thinking about you, just like you told me. Since then, I suddenly don't feel that resentful towards Christmas anymore, so thanks for that." He smiled briefly amidst the melancholic atmosphere, raindrops pouring down freely while he walked over to the other side of the room.

"Hey, uh..." He then stopped beside the window and looked up to the ceiling with a sharp breath as he failed to calm himself down, "I just feel terribly sorry for shutting you out for years, I didn't mean to do that." He choked back the tears as he further defended himself, "Believe me... I really didn't mean to do that. We don't have to be friends again, I just... I just want to come out clean and explain things to you so... If you could meet me at the abandoned 3-E building by afternoon next week, that'd be great. Though I'm hoping you're not somewhere far away right now though because... that'd suck." He then wiped his face with his forearm and leaned forward against the wall, "look, I know you hate me and all, I regret all the horrible things I did to you and I just want to see you again, even if it's for the last time around... You don't have to forgive me and all, I just... I really need to see you."

Meanwhile, a twenty-year-old Gakushū ignores a phone call as he drove through the highway. After a few minutes, another phone notification popped up which tempted him to take a quick side glance to check what it was, and so he did.

He abruptly pressed on the breaks so that he could slowly pull over to the emergency lane.

It was a voicemail... from none other than Karma. He still had his phone number saved in his phone... just in case.

A storm began to brew in an otherwise fine weather. It was -10C but at least the sun was still out there. The atmosphere inside his car, however, was just downright dismal and somber since he found out what the notification was all about. He froze and stared into oblivion for minutes before he finally decided to press the play button.

"Hey, uhm... it's me." Right after Karma's distorted voice came out from the phone speakers, his hand slowly crept its way to cover his mouth while he tried to hold it all in.

It's him. He just couldn't wrap his head around it. He couldn't believe it was truly him.

"I really didn't mean to do that." As he took every word in, he almost wanted to feel pissed, he almost wanted to bang his head on the steering wheel or punch the window but he couldn't bring himself to do it because that's just not how he truly feels about Karma suddenly barging back into his life with no time for caution. He got through the entire voicemail nonetheless, but being the person that he is, he didn't know what to do next.

Gakushū's hands were trembling as he held the steering wheel tightly, going on full speed while he drove his way back home. He found himself listening to Karma's voicemail on repeat, his breaths gradually increasing in depth and intensity, the accelerometer along with his emotions fluctuating unsteadily before he finally burst into tears.

He took note of the unpleasant reaction on Karma's face at the sight of all the Christmas ornaments displayed everywhere. He then remembered how Karma opened up to him about his miserable childhood. With that, he then knew what was probably going on behind Karma's not-so-subtle facade.

"Think about me." He told him boldly, which Karma didn't expect to hear at all. He then grabbed his hand and held it tightly to snap him out of it. "Every time it's your birthday or Christmas, I want you to think about me instead."

Karma immediately knew what he meant, but Gakushū suddenly went doubtful about what he just said. He felt that maybe his words might've come out as off-sounding or insensitive, so he asked Karma, "Is it wrong or selfish for me to say that?"

Karma shook his head silently with a soft curl on his lips as he held his hand, "pumpkins for Christmas sounds nice. I'd take that over anything anytime."

Gakushū smiled at his response before telling him, "But I hate it when you call me pumpkin. You know it makes me cringe, right?"

"Then deal with it, pumpkin." He retorted as he quickly kissed his cheek, leaving Gakushū in utter shock, his heart fluttering wildly. Karma did not just do that in a crowded mall hallway.

"Relax, no one could've seen that," Karma assured him and smirked off coolly, placing his arm over Gakushū's shoulders, brushing it off as always while they kept walking like nothing happened.

Gakushū's brows furrowed. There he was again, a doubtful look written all over his delicate face, "How are you so sure?"

Karma couldn't help but smile every time he sees him do that.

"Shhh..." Karma placed his finger over Gakushū's lips to shut him up before kissing him on the forehead. "You ask too much." He told him while he playfully ruffled his hair.

Gakushū sighed in defeat and finally shrugged it off. He then noticed Karma's eyes wandering off somewhere else, his mouth slightly agape, as if he was in awe. He tried to follow his gaze and chuckled softly upon realizing what left Karma looking so dumbfounded out of the blue.

Boxes of strawberry milk were on sale.

Gakushū took the initiative and pulled his hand as they walked over to the storefront. He told him, "go on, get as much as you want. I'll buy you all the strawberry milk in the world if I have to, if it makes you that happy."

Karma turned his head sideways and stared at him in disbelief, laughing, "You can't be serious right?"

Gakushū laughed back and smiled, "I am dead serious. It's an early Christmas and birthday gift, so go get as many as you want."

"I fucking love you." Karma cupped his cheeks and kissed his lips before he ran off inside the store.

Gakushū found himself smiling foolishly as he had his eyes locked on him and only him, the background falling apart, and the riptide pulling him in deep. He chuckled and whispered to himself, "I fucking love you too."

Two bombs with a wet fuse, both of them didn't know any better and their future marred with uncertainty. But one thing is for sure, Karma always leaves everything unfinished and Gakushū is not one to forget that easily.

The now twenty-year-old Gakushū stopped by a convenience store to go grab some brewed coffee. The moment he entered in, all those tacky Christmas ornaments nearly drove him away only if it wasn't for his acquired reliance on morning caffeine to stabilize his mood for the rest of the day.

"By the way, it's Christmas and here I am thinking about you, just like you told me."

"Think about me. Every time it's your birthday or Christmas, I want you to think about me instead."

God, he hated Christmas.

He walked through several aisles in search of a snack to go with his hot coffee. That until he stumbled upon the beverage aisle and almost heard his younger self speaking as he caught sight of Karma's favorite drink.

"I'd buy you all the strawberry milk in the world."

He probably wasted a minute or two just staring at it. Now he hated Christmas even more. The memories incessantly surging back against his will no matter how hard he tried to suppress them. Well, it was hard for him because he associated and saw Karma in almost... everything.

With that, he quickly finished what he came in for and had his quaint breakfast inside the car. Yesterday was the last day of his clinical nursing internship, and he's just... plainly tired, and now that stupid voicemail made him feel even more exhausted. He'll probably even skip Christmas eve later if he had to.

He hated him. He hated the audacity. Yes, he wasn't obliged to forgive him, but he just hated how he brazenly barges back into his life after Karma shut him out for years. He hated how he thought it was just that easy.

Gakushū looks at himself through the rear-view mirror. He was still wearing his scrub suit. He noticed how he was starting to look more like his father. Not like it was a bad thing, he guessed maybe not anymore. He just wished he had a trace of his mother in his face, he was slowly beginning to forget how she looked like despite keeping pictures of her with him all the time.

He's barely even surviving nursing school right now.

He thought that the burnout he had in high-school was just temporary, a mere bluff. He thought he'd be capable of recovering from it, but then again, he kept reminding himself that efforts don't always translate to intelligence. Unfortunately for him, he could only do so much but come to terms with mediocrity and convincing himself that he was just... average. And soon he graduated high school without any awards to his name. Although he didn't cry nor feel any pain that day because the gradual process of anticipating and accepting his fate for years has prepared him well enough.

He then slumps his back on the driver's seat and reclines it slightly. He lets out an exasperated sigh before reaching for the sandwich resting on top of the front passenger seat.

It tasted horrible.

Now his day has gotten so much worse and it has barely even started. But then, before he even realized, his mind drifted off again elsewhere and forcibly took him back to a time he seemingly failed to forget.

"Why does egg sandwich taste better when you make it?" Gakushū asked as he peered over Karma's shoulder to watch him make another batch of egg salad.

Karma jokingly whispered into his ear, "Because I make it with love."

Gakushū nearly dies from cringe, he chuckles and lightly jabs Karma's face out of annoyance while still holding the sandwich in his hand. Because of that, Karma's cheek was now smeared with the egg-mayonnaise spread.

To get back to what Gakushū did, Karma scoops out a spoonful from the bowl with a devious smirk. Gakushū anticipates this and runs away before Karma starts chasing him across the kitchen, the sound of laughter reverberating throughout Karma's cramped up loft.

Karma eventually grabs ahold of his wrist and pins him to a nearby wall. "Karma, don't you dare-" Gakushū squeezed his eyes shut and bit his lips in disgust the moment he felt the egg-mayo-filled spoon touch his nose. His pants and shallow breaths gracing Karma's bare neck amidst the tension-filled air, sending shivers down the delinquent's spine. Their eyes were wide open in contrast to the narrow gap between their lips.

Karma then smiled at him and said, "now we're even." Karma almost wanted to kiss him, but he couldn't believe that Gakushū did it first.

"So feisty..." Karma whispered behind Gakushū's ear and pinned his other hand to the wall before he returned him the favor, their kiss lasting more than just a second for the first time. At that point, Karma never knew that the person he loved and invested in so much turned out to be somebody else's future. It just never occurred to him once that their whole relationship was a prelude to another without him in it, that he was grooming and preparing him to be eventually somebody else's. Well, to be fair, neither one of them saw it coming.

Gakushū squished the barely touched, wrapped egg sandwich in his hand and discarded it to an empty cup holder. He then drank his now lukewarm brewed coffee before he started the car and headed back home. He turns on the stereo, "Mad Rush" by Philip Glass played in the background

"What I like about Karma?" Gakushū reiterated the question, a look of skepticism painted across his face, "Why would you even ask me that? Isn't it the reason that I'm here is that I want to recover from what he's done to me?"

"I just need the whole story." His therapist told him before giving a few words of reassurance, "And you know, healing while associating positive things with that person is better than letting all these negativity suffocate you. Look, I'm here to help you have an optimistic outlook in life."

Clearly, that didn't work. "Optimistic outlook," the twenty-year-old Gakushū repeated out loud and scoffed at the thought while hitting the road at full-speed limit.

"He's just there all the time..." Gakushū hesitantly started, averting his gaze as he said every word with caution, "He's basically everywhere, but not in an annoying way, no..." Gakushū paused for a while, gauging his response, his voice almost reduced into a whisper. "Well, at first he was, but eventually, he grew on me. I uh... Uhm..." he didn't know how to explain things any further, his gaze was now glued to the ground.

"Go on." His psychiatrist urged him.

Minutes after dreadful silence, his head jolted up and he was finally able to provide an answer he wasn't certainly sure of. He spoke impassively, "I felt heard for the first time in my life. He made me realize I was capable of feeling what I feel. He's just... there. He doesn't have to do anything to make me feel better, I knew he just had to be there and then I'll be fine..."

"Then what happened?"

His eyebrows furrowed, looking away as his face went all sullen, his clenched fists resting on top of his thighs. He had a hard time trying to find the exact words, "I think he's blaming me... for what happened to him. And I'm actually beginning to think it's my fault too."

The twenty-year-old Gakushū quickly terminated his thoughts and tried to focus on the road instead. He simply didn't want to remember what happened after that. He hated how he tried so hard to keep things buried in the past and all it took was one voicemail, for fuck's sake, one voicemail from Karma to undo all his efforts.

He arrived a few hours later and was greeted by his father at the gates, Gakushū rolled down his window.

"Hey, dad." He greeted meekly.

"Oh, Nagisa called me." Gakuhou told him and asked, "Did your phone die?"

Shit. Gakushū's eyes went wide as he discreetly checked his phone, the screen was full of missed-call notifications.

"Yeah, I forgot to charge it before I clocked out. Thanks for letting me know." Gakushū replied and proceeded to park his car in the garage while Gakuhou closes the gates from behind.

Gakushū stepped out of the car and halted as he was about to head inside. He turned back and hesitantly started, "dad..."

"Yeah? What is it?" Gakuhou walked up to him and asked.

"Karma called me today." He told him in diffidence, as if the words coming out of his mouth still remain untrue.

"Really? What did he say?" Gakuhou calmly asked him back.

"He said he wanted to meet me," Gakushū answered with his head pulled down, cracking his knuckles with one hand before fidgeting with his keys to get the nerves under control. "What should I do?"

"You can meet him if you want. It's still up to you, what do you want to do?"

Cry. He wanted to cry.

"What about Nagisa? Should I go tell him?"

"I'm sure Nagisa would understand."

No. Something just doesn't add up right. Why does it seem that everything is coming off so easily like it's no big deal? Gakushū tried forgetting it many times, but he remembers still. After all, he is not one to forget that easily. "He did it to me first." Gakushū blurted out in a spur of emotions, "He shut me out first." He didn't know what else to say, but his eyes were doing what his mouth has failed to do.

Gakushū looked very distraught and traumatized just like he was years ago and back then, Gakuhou didn't know any better. Parental instincts, after all, were still very foreign to him. But now, without a word, he simply took one step and wrapped his arms around him. God, he hoped he was doing something right. "I know, I know..." he whispered in consolation while rubbing his back. Soon he felt tears fall on his shoulder, Gakushū was crying silently.

He didn't know what else to do from there.

It was probably three 'o clock in the morning, and Karma sat on his bed wide awake with his legs crossed, facing the window overlooking the city, the faint street lights accentuating his frail silhouette. He couldn't fall asleep and he didn't know why. Well, perhaps not really. For one, he felt anxious for some reason that he doesn't like to acknowledge. Another is that he isn't used to his own bed anymore, the mattress and pillows were all too soft for his own liking.

He counted the remaining lights on several buildings to pass some time, losing all his concentration when he suddenly heard a ding from his phone. He's been waiting for Gakushū's reply the entire day, but why does it feel like he doesn't want to know what Gakushū was going to say? Yes, he's been waiting for his reply for so long, but why did he hope that the text wasn't from him? But then again, he just wanted to get this over with, waiting and guessing for hours has been downright plain dreadful.

He quickly reached for his phone on the nightstand.

Gakushū finally replied to him and said, "Okay."

Karma chuckled sadly as he uttered back the word, "okay." He sniffed as several droplets of tears fall on his phone screen with increasing intensity, covering his mouth and laughing as he repeatedly said "okay" until he laid down on his side sobbing.

On the other side of the city, Gakushū places his phone back under his pillow, placing his hand on top of Nagisa's that rested on top of his chest. He looked at the boy sleeping right next to him with a frown on his face, kissing him gently on the forehead before he laid in his bed wide awake, his thoughts uncontrollably drifting off somewhere else again.

Karma rubbed his eyes, blinking several times until his vision began clearing up. He saw Gakushū sitting on the edge of the bed, facing away from him. He got up slowly and sat beside him. Before he could even speak, Gakushū asked without even looking at him, "Do you still love me?"

He placed his hand on his shoulder and was about to respond when Gakushū spoke again, "Why does it feel like you're only here because you pity me or something? Why does it feel that you loving me is becoming more of a chore, like you're being forced to do it?"

Karma froze and couldn't believe what he was hearing, he grabbed Gakushū tightly by the shoulder and made him look at him, "Gakushū I... Why would you even think that?" He whispered loudly.

"I don't know... I don't know... I think you're getting tired of me because I'm too boring for you... I think I'm becoming more annoying to you by the day because... because..." Gakushū whimpered, choking a sob as he buried his face on Karma's chest.

"No, no... You're overthinking again and it's not good... you remember how I told you to stop overthinking things?" Karma told him, rubbing his back with one hand, and the other caressing his head.

"That's exactly my point. I think you're getting tired of... this." Gakushū replied, stifling a sob as he sat upright and finally looked at Karma in the eye.

Karma held his hands, interlocking his finger with his, "I love you." He told him with emphasis on every word. "I love you and that's what it is. I love you because I love you. And no, I'll never get tired of you... ever. You can keep telling me things that keep you up at night or bug you for days and I'll never get tired of it... I'll never get tired of understanding you..."

"You won't?"

Karma shook his head, "I won't," he told him as he pulled him into an embrace. He rested his chin on his shoulder and whispered to his ear, "I love you, okay?"

Gakushū stared at the wall, his face devoid of any emotions throughout the silent downpour, "Okay."

"No, no... You're overthinking again and it's not good... you remember how I told you to stop overthinking things?"

Gakushū sighed and pulled the sheets up to his chest, Nagisa yawned and shifted her body a little. Gakushū then was reminded again how much of a light sleeper Nagisa was. "You're still awake?" He mumbled.

"Yeah..."

"Why?"

"Nothing..."

Nagisa laid on her side and faced him, "I know that voice and that look on your face..." he told him as he placed his hand on his cheek and asked, "what's wrong?"

"I just texted Karma back and now I couldn't sleep... I feel like I'm cheating on you." Gakushū hesitantly admitted.

Nagisa laughed, "We've talked about this, didn't we? I told you, I understand and it's completely fine with me..."

Gakushū brows furrowed with a slight pout on his lips, "But I feel guilty about it... I feel like a shitty person for putting you through all... this. You having to deal with my trauma, with you hearing me say his name sometimes when I sleep-"

Nagisa cut him off quickly and held his hands firmly, "Hey... you're not a shitty person, okay? I love you and that's all that matters."

"I love you too..." Gakushū whispered back.

"Goodnight..." Nagisa combed his fingers through his hair and kissed him on the cheek before he tucked himself back into sleep.

"Goodnight..." Gakushū said back before facing the ceiling for nearly an hour, that until he decided to send a text again to Karma and told him, "Happy birthday."

To his surprise, Karma was still awake and immediately replied to him, "You still remember? Thank you."

Gakushū chuckled, turned off his phone, and placed it above his stomach as he faced the ceiling again. He thought to himself, a tear falling from the corner of his eye, "Of course I do, why wouldn't I?"

A/N: So... what do you think? I know NagisaxGakushū is sort of an unconventional ship? Well, at least for me personally, because I honestly don't see them fit well together, to say the least? But I do see a lot of NagisaxGakushū fics though and I think they're quite interesting and they do totally work, so I guess... why not ship them together, right?