{{{{I'm having a time wrapping this up. Please review if you have any thoughts. Much appreciated.}}}}

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"Chakotay, what we had on Voyager was wonderful, b-." She was interrupted.

"Wonderful but? Wonderful while it was all we had? Wonderful until we got back to earth? Wonderful until you had to deal with the consequences?" His words were harsh, and angry, and he regretted them as soon as they left his mouth.

Shocked, her heart sank and her stomach flipped. She blinked at him a couple times before finding her voice. "Is that how you feel? she asked in a quiet voice.

--

Chapter 7

He looked carefully at her at the tone of her words. She almost sounded...devastated. And she looked...Pale? Shaky? He saw her swallow hard as she waited for him to answer. Suddenly his anger swept away from his as fast as hers had.

"No, that's not how I feel," he said. "I'm just trying to...figure out how to be here, be us, here. I'm sorry."

She took a deep breath at that and he was pleased to see the color return to her face. She rubbed her hands over her face. "Kahless, Chakotay! Don't put words in my mouth like that," she snapped. "On Voyager, what we had was wonderful, it was a lifeline."

"But..." he prompted.

"But it's not what I envisioned when I think about the thriving relationship that I want," she finished. "We're not in a command structure anymore, and I don't want to go skulking around and having you hide from my comm calls in the dark and that can't happen until these hearings are behind us."

He bit his cheek. He knew she was right, but he had no idea how right she was.

Her jaw was clenched, she was started to feel the tension in her neck and she knew an epic migraine wasn't far behind. She HAD to convince him it was the only way. It was the only way to keep her crew safe, keep her career from circling the drain, keep his reputation from being ruined beyond repair. He couldn't know the last reason was why she had asked for private hearings. It was going to make the rest of the hearings unbearable, but if she could protect everyone, especially him, it would be worth it. He hadn't been there to hear the questions regarding the Burnelli encounter, but B'Elanna was, and Ayala, and a few other Maquis. She was almost certain that B'Elanna and Ayala would put it together, she just had to hope that information didn't make it back to Chakotay. It wasn't a secret she wanted to keep but thought it was the best option for now.

"I'm still figuring out how to live back on Earth, too. It's not the dream we all imagined every time we found a wormhole," she said sadly. "It feels like Voyager is a ghost that is haunting me."

He nodded, he knew the feeling. It was cloying, claustrophobic even. He'd been woken by her nightmares often enough, or kept awake by her insomnia as she tossed and turned next to him. That haunting? He knew it well. It haunted his days, if not his nights.

"What do you want to do? After?" he asked. Of all the things they had discussed, they had never discussed what they would want to do with the rest of their lives after they got back. It was hard to plan a life when you didn't know if you would be 45 or 50 or 75 or 90.

"I can't see myself going out into space again, but I also can't imagine having a desk job, or staying planetside either," she admitted.

"We're as bad as a couple of first year Cadets," he chuckled humorlessly.

She snorted, "But with a lot more baggage."

The next day, Chakotay's sister Sekaya arrived.

--

He had departed late that evening for his own home to try and straighten up before his family arrived. Kathryn slept poorly and then got up early, drank too much coffee, and made her way down to the campus for what surely was going to be a horrific day of witness.

He met them at the Transporter station, not nervous exactly, but slightly anxious. He hadn't seen his sister for a couple of years before he'd been lost in the Delta Quadrant. She'd married and had two sons while he'd been gone. Her husband was of their people, but Chakotay hadn't known him before. He did know his sister though, and knew that if she'd married him and had children with him he was an honorable man. He and his sister had been close growing up and as adults until the vagaries of war split them up. When he left StarFleet to join the Maquis they had fought, not because she disagreed with his motives, but because she didn't see the Maquis as a viable response. He hadn't cared at the time, he'd been to angry to chaff about effectiveness. She had wanted him to come home, to work to make their planet a better place for their people, but she begrudgingly admitted that a settled life wasn't right for her angry younger brother.

Seeing her materialize on the Transporter Pad, Chakotay felt like he'd gone back in time. His sister hadn't changed, if anything she'd grown more confident, more comfortable in her skin. He walked towards her with a confidence he didn't quite feel, which disappeared as soon as she pulled him into a tight hug. His sister knew him, knew his soul. She loved his faults and his past mistakes and was loyal beyond everything. The minute he was in her arms, the years fell away from them.

--

Meanwhile Kathryn sat in the uncomfortable chair, answering question after question. They had returned to the Brunelli encounter. Gods she just wanted this to be over.

The Admiral reviewed her comments from the previous day, then continued.

"So, someone else on your crew suggested a maneuver based on information obtained from reports that were classified at the time? Captain, are you in the habit of sharing classified documents with known traitors to the Federation, even if they were members of your 'crew'?" There was no crowd to protest the tone this time.

The questioning officer looked back at her with a snide expression. "Would you like to answer the question, Captain?" His derision over her rank was clear. He obviously was of the opinion, which was uncommon but definitely present, that she should have been stripped of her rank and privileges for even considering what they had done to get back to the Alpha Quadrant.

"I believe there were two, sir," she replied icily.

"Two what, Captain?" he blurted back.

"Two questions," she said. "But yes I will answer them, of course. First, I believe the suggestion did not come from classified materials. And I did not, nor have I ever, been in the habit of releasing classified information to those under my command who do not have clearance." There was more to say but she would wait for him to lead her there.

He narrowed his eyes at her. "So again, you did not suggest this maneuver?"

"I ordered it done, as Captain, but no, it was not my suggestion," she replied.

"So someone on your crew had seen this done before, or just what? Invented an identical maneuver on the spot?" The sarcasm dropped from his mouth. In a way, it made it easier knowing this man was borderline deranged.

"I think we can dispense with the sarcastic tone, Ned," Owen Paris spoke up. "Please just ask the questions."

Chastised, the Admiral did indeed change his tone. "So do you concur then, the most likely way this maneuver had been identified as a good solution was that one of your crew had either read about it or seen it performed."

"Yes, I agree," she replied. She wanted this over with, but knew offering her own comments wouldn't help, not on this day.

"I have cross-checked your crew to the officers present in the Borderlands when this was used by the Maquis. No one was there. Most were here on earth, a few were on other missions. None were in the vicinity." He finished with a flourish.

She tried hard not to roll her eyes. If the stakes hadn't been so high she would have enjoyed embarrassing this man.

"So," he continued, "if none of your crew were present, someone must have shared classified information."

"I'm sorry, Admiral. No classified information was shared by me. In fact, I think prior to this encounter, I hadn't even remembered this maneuver. I must correct you, however, members of my crew were in the Borderlands."

"Captain Janeway, I have the crew lists here in front of me-"

She interrupted him. She was irritated at the charade and wanted to get on with it. "I believe I know my crew manifest better than you do, Sir. I can name every single one of them right now. And there were indeed officers from Voyager present during that incident."

"Captain," the voice came from the table at the front of the room, not the beleaguered Admiral trying to question Janeway. "Who was it that made the suggestion to use this maneuver," Admiral Necheyv asked.

"I believe it was Commander Chakotay," she replied.

Understanding fell softly over the room. She thought to herself that until this point, the idea that her crew was half Maquis was a theoretical point. No longer.

"And how may I ask, did your newly minted First Officer, who never captained a ship in Starfleet, was in fact responsible for damage and even destruction of many StarFleet vessels, know about classified encounters?" the Admiral pressed. He was trying to do hard to get her to admit she'd shared Federation secrets with the Maquis. She inwardly shook her head. She probably had done so at some desperate point in the past seven years but she certainly hadn't on this occasion. She heard Admiral Necheyv trying to get the attention of the Admiral questioning her, probably trying to get him to stand down. She was unsuccessful.

"Admiral, may I remind you that we were 140 people out there, on a small ship, 70,000 light years from home. We often didn't have the luxury of things you back here in the Alpha Quadrant took for granted. Sometimes we had to take risks," she started. She took a breath to continue but was interrupted.

"Answer the question, Janeway," he demanded.

She looked him dead in the eye and said, "Commander Chakotay knew those maneuvers because he was the one that used them against StarFleet during his time as a Maquis Captain. So, no, I did not share classified information. The officers in question were the reason they were classified in the first place. May I remind you that Commander Chakotay once taught Advanced Tactics at the Academy. He obviously proved his worth, both to the Maquis, and to Voyager. He suggested to me that we try an 'old Maquis trick'. I didn't remember at the time, the report of a border skirmish light years away, one of just hundreds that happened in the years leading up to Voyager being lost. The name of the Maquis pilot in that encounter isn't listed on any of StarFleet reports because StarFleet couldn't figure it out. Now we know." She stared at the Admiral without breaking her gaze, thanking again her foresight in securing parsons and legal status before their arrival on earth. They may been run through the mud, but they wouldn't be thrown in jail. "I had the advantage in the Delta Quadrant of not only having an officer who knew those maneuvers, but had also used them in the past...successfully. No one gave away classified information, Admiral. We didn't need to, because we had something better."

There was a flurry of whispers from the panel of Admirals. The first Admiral who had questioned her retook his place at the table, to be replaced by another. She steered herself for another round of questions. She wanted nothing more than to slump down into the chair and stare at the ceiling. Instead she remained composed, deliberate movements showing her control.

It felt like days before they adjourned for the day. She stepped outside into the bright but deceptively cool sunshine and shivered as the wind whipped her skin. She turned to walk the short distance back to her apartment but then changed her mind and began to wander the streets of the city, through the park, and through the neighborhoods of San Francisco. She was unbelievably tired but walking was better than going back to her quiet apartment to sit alone with her thoughts.

She walked for hours, finally returning home long after dark. She kicked off her boots and addressed the Comm, which was beeping angrily at her. She found several messages from Chakotay, one from an old friend, and one from Tom and Belanna asking her to a party that weekend. Chakotay's last message was mostly him telling her how worried he was and asking her to call her back. She rolled her eyes a bit. He could have reached her via her com badge at anytime if he'd really been worried.

She commed him back, telling him she'd gone for a walk to relieve her body and mind of the tension of the day. He'd wanted to ask to her to meet Sekaya the next day. She asked for a reprieve until the following day, hoping she'd have a chance to get used to the debriefings and be a little bit better company. She didn't want to think too hard about meeting Chakotay's older sister. She remembered all too clearly his despondency when he couldn't reach her when they finally communicated with the Alpha Quadrant, and then his happiness when they finally connected. The idea of meeting the sister of the man she loved she loved him, right? was a bit intimidating, even at her age. He'd met her mother and sister just briefly, but Sekaya was different. She carried the weight of approval of the entire family, his lineage, his people on his planet. Closing her eyes, she resolved to worry about that a different day. She had almost drifted to sleep in her chair when her stomach rumbled. She got up begrudgingly and replicated some soup, which she sipped out of a mug as she paced her apartment, lost in memories. She felt muted by the events of the day, the reliving of every decision she made. For every minute she spent under the microscope she felt her energy and personality shriveling away, until the only part of her that remained was the stead-fast Captain, standing on her ship.

The next day wasn't any better. Neither was the day after that. As her meetings wrapped up, she gathered her things and started walking towards Chakotay's apartment. She could not feel less like socializing, but she'd promised and she knew Sekaya's days here would be short. Kathryn took a deep breath as she rang the bell. She just had to get through the evening being kind and social and interested, before she could retreat into her apartment. She hadn't slept well the night before and she could feel it behind her eyes, which were scratchy, and in the tension of her shoulders.

She was ushered inside with welcoming arms, warm hugs, drinks all around. Even though she had been dreading it, she found herself fascinated by Sekaya. She was so similar to Chakotay, but more content, more confident, less wary, and very, very bossy towards her brother. After giving him some sage advice and orders to follow her instructions exactly, Chakotay calmly stood up, nodded and poured his sister another glass of wine. Kathryn sat somewhat stunned. "If I tried to order him around like that he would argue with me for hours," she commented wryly.

"Just because I smile and nod doesn't mean I'm actually going to follow her orders, you know," Chakotay said as the two women shared a look. "Plus, I spent 7 years letting you order me around."

"And I think you are pretty pleased with where all that order-following got you right now, so you hush," Sekaya said affectionately, giving Chakotay and Kathryn both a knowing glance.

Kathryn flushed a little at that. She didn't think that Chakotay had told his sister about them, but Chakotay was very observant. There was good reason to think that Sekaya would be as well.

After the long leisurely meal, a delicious vegetarian rice dish that Chakotay had prepared, probably from real ingrediants, Kathryn thought, Chakotay and Sekaya stood to clear the dishes. Kathryn stood to help and was shooed away from the table by Sekaya, who refilled her wine glass and shoved it into her hand. "Go sit down and relax," she ordered. "You look like you haven't eaten a full meal or had a full nights sleep in a week." Sekaya left no doubt as to who the matriarch was in this group, even if it wasn't her home or even her planet.

"She probably hasn't," Chakotay added with a raised eyebrow, as Kathryn tried to protest. Accepting defeat with a huff, she wandered over to the sofa by the window she curled up with her glass of wine and watched the stars.

When Chakotay entered the room a few minutes later, he found her sound asleep, wine glass in hand and her head resting on her arm on the back of the sofa. He stood watching her with such a look of desire and tenderness on his face that Sekaya didn't have the heart to interrupt him. After a couple long minutes passed, Chakotay realized his sister was standing behind him. He turned and looked at her, slightly sheepish. "Are you going to wake her?" she asked him.

He shook his head. "She gets so little sleep, I'll just let her be for now." He stepped forward silently and plucked the wine glass out of her hand. She stirred slightly but didn't wake. He brought the wine glass back and set it on the table. As he did, Sekaya considered him carefully.

"How many nights have you brought her into your bed, brother?" she asked softly.

He looked back at her without a trace of embarrassment or chagrin on his face.

"Not nearly enough," he replied almost in a whisper, as he watched Kathryn sleep.

"You have not, since I have been here. Why?" she demanded of him.

"I didn't want to disturb you, or take away from your visit. I...I... didn't know what you would think," he admitted.

"What I would think?" she asked with a half-smile. "Brother, I was there when you came home after bedding a woman for the first time. I told you what I thought then." There was a note of humor and a note of warning in her voice.

Chakotay remembered with a blush the lecture he had gotten from his sister about to treat a woman, never to be careless, always considerate, and never to be proud.

"But this is different, isn't it?" she asked.

He nodded without words. "No one can know. Not yet. Not until the debriefings are over." He rubbed his hand over his face, anguish covering his features. "She won't tell me what goes on in there, but I can see it's terrible for her. She doesn't eat, she has nightmares. She will not let me share her burdens. For seven years I tried to convince her to let me share her burdens and she rarely let me help, and now it continues."

"She did not allow HERSELF to share those burdens with you, I think. But you did alleviate them from her somehow. This I know," his sister said kindly. "Do not stop now. And also do not stop taking her to your bed because of me. I have my own room, and you need it as much as she does." With that Sekaya walked away, leaving Chakotay staring at Kathryn's small sleeping form. He found a blanket and pulled a pillow from his bed and set them next to her on the table in case she woke in the night. Then he sat down in the large chair across from the window to sit with her.

In the middle of the night, Sekaya was woken by a scream and then a loud crash. It came from near her, but from the other room. Chakotay had been dozing in the large wooden chair, his feet resting on the coffee table between the chair and the sofa, where Kathryn had fallen asleep.

The nightmare had woken her from a sound sleep. She bolted awake, heart pounding, screams echoing in their throat. She was clammy and disoriented. She sat panting, trying to figure out where she was when she realized Chakotay was kneeling next to her. He had startled awake at her scream and his legs had knocked over a stack of PADDs on the table. He brushed her hair back off her forehead, noting her sweaty forehead but not saying anything. His hands ran over her face, her neck, her shoulders, reassuring them both that she was okay. "Another nightmare?" he asked quietly, for no reason. They both knew it for what it was. "What was it this time?" He had a running list in his head of the things that gave her nightmares. Some were unsurprising: the Vidiians, Ransom, the Borg Queen, the alien invading her brain after she almost died in the shuttle crash, Noah Lessing. Some were startling to him in that he hadn't realized they affected her so much: Tuvix, the demon planet, Admiral Janeway, Seska. Once she'd told him New Earth, but she refused to elaborate and he still didn't know what she meant. Sometimes she refused to tell him, either because she didn't want to verbalize it or because she didn't want him to know. He wasn't sure which.

This night though, as she sat trembling on his couch, "The Void," she said. "I was trapped in the Void, only this time my idea had worked and I was in the shuttle, alone, and..." She drifted off. He didn't need to know the details anymore than she needed to relive the dream. He continued to smooth her hair back as she gradually calmed down. Getting to his feet he gently tugged on her hands, pulling her to stand.

"Come on," he said. "It's late." He pulled her up and tucked her under his arm and walked her towards his bedroom. He stood back to let her enter first, and as he did he saw Sekaya down the hall watching them from the door of her bedroom. She gave him a small, knowing smile and closed the door.