Chapter 6
Carlos' POV
Meanwhile, it is late in the evening and I lie awake in my bed. I just feel miserable and sad. But at the same time, I know that it is the right decision. I know that Jay is right. That this relationship isn't going anywhere. It's better for both of us.
At the next thought, I have to swallow hard. I'm not fair to her either. I know I can't be with Jane if I love another girl. A girl I'll never get, who's happy with another boy. A boy who can give her everything, who can make her happy. Something I'll probably never be able to do. I know that she only sees me as a good friend and even if it hurts me, it's okay.
With a sad sigh, I turn to my side. I try to get rid of the sadness and hopelessness in me, but eventually, I give up. That it would all become so complicated, I never thought. Well, it was not planned that I fall in love with her either. But it is and I have to find a way to live with it.
Okay, maybe I can, but what I might not be able to do is let her not notice that I have feelings for her. She is my best friend and I don't want to ruin that. Because I know she doesn't love me. At least not the way I do. I know that she cares about me, as a friend and if I am lucky or unlucky, as a brother. It will never be more than that.
I sigh softly again. Okay, now I've probably given it enough thought. Time to sleep. I close my eyes resolutely and try not to think any further about everything that has happened. But I soon realize that this is not so easy. I am completely confused and have enough to think about.
Finally, I give up and sit up. Frustrated, I bury my face in my hands. All this is driving me crazy. Since I can't sleep anyway, I get up quietly so as not to wake up Jay as well, put on shoes and jacket and leave the room. Maybe some fresh air will do me good. Or at least it might help me to sort my thoughts.
I don't really understand myself since when I have been so restless and nervous. And why I don't feel as sad as I should feel after a breakup. And that worries me even more and makes me feel even more guilty. I was really anything but fair to Jane and I am really sorry about that.
When I open the door and breathe in the cold night air, I relax a little. The moon bathes everything in white light and the stars are reflected in the clear water of the fountain. The silence makes everything seem peaceful, which also calms me. I walk towards the fountain and sit down at its edge.
I feel so incredibly sorry for her about the whole story with Jane. I haven't told it to anyone yet, because I first had to understand it myself, but I don't feel like what's coming when I tell it. Everybody will be incredibly sorry, but they will also say that we will get back together and everything will be fine.
And I would know that it would be a lie. Because we are not going to get back together. I'm not gonna do that to Jane. She is an incredible person and she really deserves true love. I know that she loves me and thought that I was her and that only increases the guilt. Because I am not and I never will be. I will not be so cruel again and break her heart.
Because I am afraid that I will do it if I tell her the truth. And that's the next thing I don't know. How to tell her that it's over. How to tell her that there's this beautiful girl that I lost my heart to.