A/N: Hi, guys! I am sorry this chapter is so late. Life has been extra busy and crazier than expected. I apologize for any mistakes beforehand; I really wanted to get this chapter up because it has been on my to do list in the back of my mind for quite a while. I hope you enjoy this chapter because we are finally on our way in this story. Please R&R.
Chapter 7: Home Lost
The past 6 months were a whirlwind. In typical Kathryn Janeway-fashion, Kathryn threw herself into work, and it didn't help that the Admirals rode her for everything. They did not completely trust her and the fact that she was the newbie wasn't in her favor. Kathryn sat at her desk reading the gazillionth report she needed to review before a meeting the next week.
But today Kathryn had something else she needed to do. She glanced at the chronometer, seeing it was about time to leave. Thank goodness, she thought because she couldn't take reading another report about water filtration on a new class of starships without boring her eyes out. She had more important things to do - like greet Chakotay.
He'd been away for 6 and a half months on a deep space mission patrolling the Neutral Zone. Harry was actually assigned to Chakotay's crew, which was nice for the both of them to have someone to lean on out there as they adjusted to being back in Federation space. It felt like forever since she last saw Chakotay, only able to contact him a few times through subspace transmissions over the last few months. Kathryn practically ran to the transport station at HQ.
When Kathryn materialized in the transporter room, she was greeted by the ensign on shift and a serious looking Chakotay.
"Permission to come aboard, Captain?"
Chakotay's face broke into a radiant smile. "Permission granted, Admiral."
Kathryn smiled in return and stepped off the transporter pad to give Chakotay a big hug.
"Oh, Chakotay. How are you?" she asked in a muffled sigh still in Chakotay's embrace.
"Good now that we're home and you're here," he answered honestly.
Pulling away and stepping back he continued, "What about you? How have you been since we last spoke? Brass treating you okay?"
"Oh, everything is fine albeit a bit busy. They wouldn't mess with me. If they did, I still got a few Delta Quadrant tricks up my sleeve," Kathryn deflected easily, shielding him from the truth. It was unimportant and she didn't want him to worry about her like he always did. She didn't want to feel guilty that he cared so much for her when he shouldn't.
Kathryn clapped her hands, "Now how about a tour."
Straightening up, Chakotay happily obliged, "Of course. Right this way, Admiral."
Like the gentleman he was, Chakotay allowed Kathryn to go through the door first, but before the doors swished open she called out a thank you to the young woman at the console. In the hallway, they hooked their arms together and Chakotay began his introduction.
"The USS Titan is a Luna-class starship and is a fine ship, but-" Chakotay leaned over to whisper conspiratorially into Kathryn's ear, "She's not Voyager."
His lips barely touched the shell of her ear, but Kathryn still had to tamp down a shiver. Chakotay stood upright once again and continued the tour, dragging Kathryn around. Unaware of Kathryn's inner conflict.
At the end of the tour, the pair found themselves in Chakotay's ready room for drinks. They spent the time like the old days - following gossip and talking about the crew.
There was a momentary lull in the conversation as they respectfully took sips from their glasses. However, Kathryn broke the companionable silence.
"So . . . how's Seven? The last time I heard from her was shortly after you left. She told me she was working with the Daystrom Institute and was going to Vulcan for a while."
"She's doing well last time I checked on her," Chakotay said nonchalantly, gulping the last of his drink.
"That's good. I wonder if she visited Tuvok. . . So how long are you staying on Earth?" Kathryn unwillingly asked. She really didn't want to know the answer.
Chakotay glanced at Kathryn, tugging on his earlobe with a nervous expression on his face. "I'm actually staying on Earth indefinitely."
"Really?" Kathryn couldn't hold back the genuine surprise in her voice.
"Yeah, I think I've had enough of being out there. I think it's time I settled and lay some roots. I'm -," his words were like a stab to Kathryn's heart. She was numb to the thought that he was settling down . . . with Seven. It was official, she guessed, they were going to get married.
". . . resigning from Starfleet and I've accepted an offer to teach Anthropology at Berkeley."
Kathryn was not expecting that. She was confused, but she didn't show it. "That's … great! I can understand your decision and I'm happy you'll be teaching what you love, but . . . What does Seven think about all this?"
Now Chakotay was confused. Why was this woman so focused on Seven?
"What do you mean?"
Kathryn put her glass down on the table and scooched to the edge of the couch. "Chakotay, what do you mean 'what do I mean'? Is Seven going to move back to Earth or finish up the project on Vulcan?"
Chakotay sighed in slight frustration and held the bridge of his nose. "Why are you so focused on Seven and what she thinks of my decision?"
Kathryn flinched back with a gasp, her hurt now bubbling up in anger towards Chakotay. "I can not believe you! I thought you had more sense and courtesy. Is this how you treat your girlfriend, or fiance should I say?! Show some consideration!"
Kathryn was outraged, clearly, and Chakotay didn't understand why. He was so confused, his frustration long forgotten.
"What?" he whispered quietly as Kathryn continued to berate him and accuse him of things he had no idea about. He kept repeating it over and over in the hope that it would magically explain everything that was happening at the moment. The word built in strength until Chakotay burst into a yell, all worked up, which stopped Kathryn dead.
He spoke once more, lowering his volume, but the firmness in his voice remained.
"Kathryn, Seven and I aren't together. We broke up months ago."
Kathryn felt as if someone had just dumped a bucket of cold water on her.
"What? Why?" Kathryn was in shock.
Chakotay was flabbergasted for a moment, but quickly answered, "Seven and I weren't that serious. We both wanted different things so we parted mutually."
Kathryn was conflicted once more. Her best friend - a man she cared deeply for in secret - just broke up with the woman he was destined to be with. On the other hand, her pseudo daughter, friend, and protege just got out of her very first relationship with the man that she was supposed to marry. Kathryn didn't know whether to be sympathetic for Chakotay or angry at him for the mess he made. Her mind took over though and she released her frustration.
"How dare you say it wasn't serious. Chakotay, you are Seven's first real relationship!"
Chakotay scoffed, "Actually, no, I am not. Axum was. But that is beside the point, Kathryn. Whether my relationship with Seven was serious or not, it doesn't matter. It's over now, there were no hard feelings. You need to let it go, Kathryn. Why do you care so much about whether Seven and I are together anyway?"
The mask quickly slipped into place. Kathryn was simmering in anger and her feelings were a jumbled mess. She was so torn, not knowing what to think.
Shaking her head vigorously, she grounded out, "I can't do this right now."
Kathryn made a beeline for the door. However, Chakotay moved faster than her and beat her to the door. He stood, blocking her exit. Kathryn took a dangerous step closer, her death glare at level 2.
"Move!" She commanded in a hard voice, but Chakotay wouldn't budge from the doorway.
"No," he said defiantly, staring her down.
Kathryn took another step so that now they were toe to toe. The height difference was more pronounced, but that meant nothing with her death glare on maximum level.
"Step aside. That's an order." Kathryn barked in a tone firm and as cold as ice.
Chakotay matched her firm tone, but remained warm as he reminded her, "I am not under your command anymore, Kathryn."
He emphasized the use of her name, yet she seemed unfazed.
"No, you are not. But I still outrank you, Captain." She meant business.
Chakotay leaned down into her face. "Yes, you do. . ."
He paused to watch her reaction, but still nothing. He continued, "But this isn't a Starfleet matter. This is between me and you - Kathryn and Chakotay. And I won't let you run away again."
Something flashed in her eyes - indignation.
"I do not ru-," Kathryn protested, taken aback by his statement but Chakotay interrupted her.
"Yes, you do, Kathryn. When things get too personal, you hide behind rank and avoid the problem."
Chakotay relaxed his stance, his voice softening. "If I let you walk away now . . . I might never see you again. You know it and I know it. And God, Kathryn, I can't lose you. Not again."
His confession was sobering and they each took a step back, taking a breath to collect themselves. Kathryn - still stiff-backed - moved over to the couch.
Sitting with her arms crossed and a serious scowl, she conceded reluctantly, "Fine, you want to talk about this, then let's talk. . . Why her, Chakotay? Why Seven? You knew what she was to me. Why her?"
What was meant to come out in a harsh accusatory manner ended in an almost desperate and exasperate plea.
Chakotay - who was still standing, sighed and started pacing the room, glancing at her ever so often.
He mustered all his courage to explain, "It wasn't meant to be a jab at you, Kathryn. And I am sorry if I hurt you. . . . If I am being honest, I was lonely. The longer we spent out there, Kathryn, the lonelier I felt. I know you felt it too, but my feelings were exacerbated those last couple of years when you started distancing yourself more. Then, Seven approached me out of the blue. At first, I was flattered," he mentioned, laughing at himself.
"And I thought it was absurd . . . But I also knew that this was a part of Seven's development in humanity and I didn't want to damage her perceptions on relationships, so I said yes to one date. I was going to let her down easy, but I found that . . . that I liked having someone to care about . . . someone that took an interest in me. I missed having a relationship with someone that was two-sided with flirting and returned affection."
Kathryn attempted to be stoic as he explained himself, but his words cut into her and she couldn't help the tears that gathered in her eyes.
Chakotay heaved a sigh, disappointed in himself. He continued, "It's stupid, but I enjoyed the rediscovered feelings you get when you're with someone. . . But I realized that while I liked the feelings of being with Seven . . . it really wasn't Seven that I wanted those things with."
Her breath hitched in her throat. Chakotay stopped pacing and walked over to where Kathryn was. He sat down on the edge of the couch next to her.
Looking her in the eye, he confessed. "I wouldn't trade my relationship with Seven or call it a mistake because it wasn't. It taught me a valuable lesson about myself . . . that you are the only one I truly want and need, Kathryn. I want your flirting and witty banter and affections. I want to have everything with you. The good and the bad. I want it all with you because . . . I love you, Kathryn."
His dark eyes were vulnerable; his feelings laid bare. It was all out on the table now. He waited patiently for her reaction. He held onto hope that they still had a chance despite all the hurt he caused her.
Meanwhile, Kathryn was in emotional turmoil. Her therapist would have a field day with her right now. She looked away and down at her lap, trying to hold in the new onslaught of tears. She was so conflicted and she didn't know what to feel. It was just too much.
"Kathryn," Chakotay gently called and she looked at him. Her normally brilliant blue eyes were now glossy, red-rimmed, and distressed.
"Chako- . . . I . . ." Kathryn couldn't formulate her words, only managing to choke out garbled syllables.
Kathryn abruptly stood up. She looked at him for a second before turning away and hurrying out of the room.
"I'm sorry," she managed to croak and the doors to the room swooshed shut behind her.
Chakotay's eyes lingered, transfixed on the sad grey doors of his ready room. He closed his eyes, taking in a shaky breath as tears streamed down his face. He bowed his head. The image of Kathryn's broken expression forever ingrained in his mind.
It was over. She was gone. And . . . home was lost.