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I didn't know how much time was passing, but I clung to sounds like a drowning man clings to a rope. I could hear voices talking in the room and feel the presence of whoever was near me. Sometimes they were familiar and sometimes they weren't.
I'm here. Don't give up on me. I'm here.
Derek was a day post-op and he was gaining inches towards his recovery. He wasn't declining but watching him make baby steps toward waking up seemed agonizingly slow. Meredith ran her hand through her hair and realized how greasy it had become. She desperately needed a shower. There was a slight knock on the door and it slid open to reveal a familiar figure.
"Hey, Bailey." Meredith was already fighting tears again when she saw the look on her mentor's face.
Bailey, exhausted and worn, was still dressed in her scrubs but her eyes were still kind. She glanced at Derek and another emotion flitted across her face for a moment.
"I was in the OR all night. I just heard about Derek," she moved toward the bed and rested her hand on his shoulder. She was silent for a few moments before Meredith saw her shoulders start to shake slightly. Meredith stood and wrapped her arm around her shoulders to give her comfort.
"I was told he was a hero out there," Meredith said, "I heard he saved several people and a kid in a car wreck."
Miranda wiped her eyes and the room was silent save for the ever-present beeping of the hospital equipment. The two women didn't say much at first, just sat next to each other and keeping each other company as they kept their own vigil.
There was a knock at the door and a nurse poked her head in. She was a bright, young thing with her hair done up in a messy bun completed with a colorful headband. She looked friendly.
"Hi, Meredith. I'm Michelle, I'm going to be Derek's nurse for the day. I just have another bag of antibiotics to hang for him and then I'll be out of your way."
Meredith appreciated her kindness, "You're okay, Michelle. It's nice to have someone with positive energy in here."
Michelle was smoothly flipping the IV bags and priming the line.
"I know you've been through the wringer Meredith," she programmed the IV pump and hesitated for a moment.
"If you'd like, there's a locker room with a shower on the floor below us. I can have one of the nursing techs walk you down and swipe you in if you promise to keep it on the down low. We're not supposed to let families use it."
"I-I can't think of an excuse to not accept your offer. I'll have to have somebody bring me things from home. Maybe in an hour or two?"
The nurse nodded, "Whenever you're ready, just let me know."
When the nurse had gone, Bailey broke the silence.
"Your kids are doing just fine. Alex is keeping them entertained and Jo is helping him. Alex told them that daddy's been in an accident and that mommy's helping him get better."
Meredith smiled tearily, "Good old Alex. I want the kids to be able to visit, but I don't want them to see this."
She gestured to the tower of IV drips, ventilator and other monitoring equipment.
"If Derek - if Derek dies, I don't want this to be the last image of their father."
Bailey nodded, "I think we can give him another day or so. Maybe a visit from the kids will be what he needs to kickstart him."
She nodded. The silence was broken again, by Meredith's stomach rumbling.
"Have you eaten anything since you got here?" Miranda's voice had taken on the same tone Meredith was used to as an intern.
Before Meredith could answer the question, Kelly, a nurse's aide, knocked and entered the room, carrying a small bundle.
"Hi Meredith, Michelle told me to give you some things and walk you down to the locker rooms." She proffered the bundle.
It was a clean pair of hospital scrubs, a towel and washcloth and a bag of patient toiletries no doubt lifted from the supply room stash.
"Thank you, Kelly. I'm not quite ready to shower but-"
Bailey cut her off, "Yes, Kelly, she is ready to shower. So Meredith is going to walk along with you and find the locker rooms. Then she's going to get something to eat."
Meredith was going to object again but her mentor waved a hand in her face.
"I don't care that you don't want to shower! Your hair looks disgusting and you're going to start smelling. Get cleaned up and fed, Grey."
It was the first time Meredith had smiled in what felt like years and she followed the aide out of the room.
Miranda returned to the bedside and pulled her chair closer.
She was silent for just a few minutes before she said out loud to the patient in the bed, "You damn fool. I was having a great night of surgery when I heard about the mess you got yourself into. You always do have to be a hero, but I wish you would've just gone to the airport and got on the plane instead of—" Miranda had to take moment to wipe her eyes again and steady her voice, "Instead of me and Meredith here praying that you won't die."
She the bandages that covered his shorn head and let out a laugh that was more of a sob, "But don't you worry, I'm sure your hair will grow in more stupidly perfect than before."
I could hear Bailey's soft crying and wished that I could give some kind of sign that I was okay. That I could hear them. I tried to move my hand or wiggle my toes but they still remained stubbornly still. Suddenly, I felt a light touch as her hand rested on my temple. That was new. If I focused hard enough, I could get the vaguest sensation of touch and I hoped it meant I was closer to getting out of the dark void and back to Meredith.
Meredith returned a while later with rumpled scrubs, wet hair and a bag of food from the cafeteria that Bailey was pleased to see.
"We're keeping Derek off the record just so you know," Bailey said. "Only a few of the attendings know what happened. So far the rumor mill hasn't leaked anything and him supposedly in DC is the explanation for why his name isn't on the OR board."
"Thanks, Bailey. I don't think I could handle poking and prodding into what happened."
As the day wore on, it was a slow parade of friends and family. Visits from Amelia and Alex, sans kids, were in the late morning followed by Richard and Callie later in the afternoon until Meredith was beginning to feel worn out. There were constant phone calls from Derek's mother and sisters on the East Coast checking in until it became overwhelming.
Later that night, when the hospital had called into a hush, there was a tapping on the door frame and the glass door slid open. The intensivist entered the room and pulled up a chair. He was an older gentlemen and his dark hair greyed around the temples. He had a kind smile and had a boyish face that belied his years of experience.
"How are you doing Meredith?" He said kindly, "I know you're dealing with a lot lately."
She sighed, "It has been a lot, but at least we're holding steady. Family is getting to be a bit overwhelming though."
He chuckled softly, "I hear that a lot. Let's talk about Derek for a minute or two. We caught him early before he herniated so his ICP's are doing really well. I'm happy with his lab values and the treatment plan we have for him right now. I would like to see if we can wake him up tomorrow afternoon or the next day and see if he has any deficits. So, the plan right now is to start backing off on his sedation to see how he's doing."
"That sounds good. I don't have anything really to add and I'm too tired to think of questions to ask you." She smiled tiredly.
"If you do, feel free to write them down or give them to the nurse. She can message me and we can get it figured out."
After the doctor left the room, Michelle entered with her rolling computer. She looked exhausted and judging by the clock, her shift was scheduled to end in a half hour. She approached the tower of IV fluids and adjusted a pump, entering things into the computer as she did so. Her handheld scanner beeped as she scanned Derek's wristband and the IV bag of medication.
"The doctor gave me some orders to lower his sedation. I told Robin, my replacement, all about Derek and what's going on, and she's going to keep a close eye on him tonight. I'll be back tomorrow morning and hopefully we can get Derek awake. You get some sleep yourself because we're going to have a big day tomorrow."
While Michelle was finishing her adjustments, Meredith prepped the little cot that was jammed into the corner of the ICU room. She fluffed the pillows and straightened the blankets to try and make it more comfortable. There was a spring that was loose somewhere in the mattress and it pressed into her back, forcing her to lay curled on her side to find something that was even remotely comfortable.
"Do you want me to turn out the light for you?" Michelle asked.
Meredith nodded and the room was plunged into darkness that was illuminated by the various lights on the equipment. The lullaby of IV pumps and the clicking of the ventilator became white noise that lulled her asleep.
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