'Serious Questions'

Hi, this is yet another blue humour story. I seem to be incapable of making humorous stories that aren't sexual. Help. Viewer/reader discretion is advised.

Anyways, in this story, Tiago and his class go through sex education and they ask 100% serious questions. Inspired by a few skits and stuff.

The birds here are anthropomorphic, meaning they're like humans but with beaks and short feather cover.

Oh, and viewer/reader discretion is advised.

Anyways, let's get on with it! Enjoy or suffer.

17/10/2020

It was 7am on a Tuesday morning. Jewel had gotten up and was sorting through the washing. She had sorted through Bia and Carla's washing, and she was now onto Tiago's washing.

Everything was going well until she noticed a weird crust on Tiago's underwear. Although she knew what this was, she decided to call Tiago out and ask him what it was. Tiago was walking past,

''Tiago, care to explain what this crusty stuff is?'', she asked firmly. Tiago froze, and he blushed a bit.

''Um, I don't know.'', he quickly lied. Jewel shook her head,

''I know what it is, Tiago.'', she said. Tiago was very worried,

''It wasn't me, mum! It was…'', Tiago paused, trying to come up with an excuse, ''It was Misses Palmer and her 5 children!'', he finished. Jewel rolled her eyes,

''Just use a tissue, please.'', she told him. Tiago nodded timidly, as he walked away.

Blu was making their lunch, and Tiago decided to make himself some breakfast. He got a bowl, a carton of milk, and a box of cornflakes and poured the cornflakes into the bowl. He filled it up with milk, grabbed a spoon and put the milk back in the fridge. He sat down on the couch and turned the TV on to watch some cartoons.

The rest of the morning went by as usual, with him getting dressed, putting on deodorant, packing his bag and being driven to school. All was well, and Tiago went to his classroom.

The normal morning session went by, but soon the teacher, Miss Elliot, a hyacinth macaw, (whom Tiago had a crush on) started handing out slips of paper for the students to write questions about their body for Sex Ed.

Tiago had forgotten about today being Sex Ed, and he was surprised. He quickly wrote down some questions, all of them were serious.

Soon, the papers were put in an anonymous box and the Sex Ed teacher came in. His name was Mister Black, which was fitting as he was a Palm cockatoo. The class was gathered, and they faced the board.

''Alright class, its time for you to learn about your bodies.'', the teacher announced.

''Oh, boy this is gonna be a fun talk!'', a boy named Toby cried out sarcastically, and several students laughed.

''Settle down, settle down…'', the teacher hushed them. Tiago sat next to his friend, Travis, who is a blue and gold macaw. Travis leant over,

''Hey, what questions did you write down?'', he asked.

''Nothing but the most serious ones you could possibly ask…'', Tiago responded in a tongue in beak manner. He chuckled slightly, and smirked.

''Yeah, me too…'', Travis replied, also smirking.

So, the teacher went through the basics.

''Okay, so can anyone tell me where babies come from?'', the Mr. Black asked, trying to find out how much the class knows. Although he probably did this to see just how wrong some of them are.

''Sir, I thought you're supposed to know this!'', Tiago called out. Mr. Black rolled his eyes. A scarlet macaw named George had his hand up, and Mr. Black chose him.

''We were created in science experiments.'', he answered.

''No.'', Mr. Black simply replied. Another student, named Layla (A Major Mitchell cockatoo whom several had a crush on, and who was frequently harassed by some people who sang the song 'Layla') had her hand up, and Mr. Black chose her.

''We were found at the bottom of a beer glass.'', she answered.

''No…'', Mr. Black responded. Another student, Rickie, (although his name was Richard, he always told people his full name was Ricardo. He did this to avoid being called Dick) a military macaw, had his hand up and Mr. Black chose him.

''My dad stuck his dick into my mum's vagina and he jizzed in it.'', Rickie responded. Many people laughed, and even Ms. Elliot attempted semi-successfully to stifle her laughter. Mr. Black even chuckled,

''I mean, you're not wrong… But I'll explain it more… politely, and in more detail.'', Mr. Black responded.

And so, he went through the usual sex ed stuff, including awkward videos and the obligatory ''Don't be silly, wrap your willy'' stuff. Because condoms are the epitome of avian invention for sex ed teachers.

''Okay, so I'm going to answer some anonymous questions that you have put in this box here.'', Mr. Black announced, holding the box that contained the many questions. Several people, most of whom were boys, stifled laughter as they were giddy about the questions they had put in.

''Okay, first off… Why do I wee vanilla when I tickle my doodle?'', he paused to let out a sigh, and mumbled ''Oh my god, this is gonna be horrible.'', as the class erupted into laughter. One student, Toby, laughed especially loudly, and it was easy to see who had put that question in.

''Well, its because you stimulate it and you ejaculate semen. Its called masturbation…'', he answered. ''Okay, Does anyone remember penis inspection day in P.E?'', Mr. Black paused and took a deep breath in shock, ''Well, whoever wrote that, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you were molested.'', he answered. Mr. Black pulled another piece of paper and read it,

''Do you lick a dick a day?'', Mr. Black read, and many people began to laugh. Tiago laughed more, and he high fived Travis.

''Good one.'', Travis praised.

''No, I have a wife.'', Mr. Black responded.

''Does she lick a dick a day?'', Rickie called out. Mr. Black shot him a glare,

''That is none of your business.'', he responded. Rickie laughed,

''Oh, it seems she does!'', he laughed. Mr. Black shook his head,

''Okay, she does it every second day.'', Mr. Black responded in a tongue in beak manner, ''Next question, I'm peeing blood and it stings. Am I on my period? (I'm a guy, by the way)'', Mr. Black read it. Some people giggled amongst themselves.

''No, I think you have a urinary tract infection and you should probably get it checked out.'', Mr. Black answered. He pulled another piece of paper out,

''Does Mario have a penis?'', Mr. Black let out a puff as many people laughed, especially Travis, ''Yes he does, unless it was cut off.'', Mr. Black answered.

''Is it normal to want to bang the teacher?'', Mr. Black couldn't help but smile, especially when Ms. Elliot erupted in a blush. Three people giggled, and Tiago was stifling his laughter.

''Well, yes, it is normal for a boy of your age to have feelings for older people. Just, don't act upon it as you are below the age of consent and it is wrong.'', Mr. Black answered. A few people let out disappointed sighs.

''If Jesus grew his dick long enough to stick it in his ass, would it be gay or masturbation?'', Mr. Black smacked his face, ''Why does it have to be Jesus?'', he asked.

''Just answer the question!'', Toby cried out. Mr. Black rolled his eyes,

''It would be masturbation.'', he answered. He pulled out another piece of paper,

''I haven't had my period yet. Is that normal?'', he read.

''Oh, what the fuck, a serious question?'', Rickie called out.

''Ahahaha, Layla hasn't got her period yet!'', Jack, a sun conure, laughed.

''Shut up!'', Layla shouted at Jack.

''Be quiet!'', Mr. Black shouted.

''Please!'', Toby said.

''Please…'', Mr. Black added, with a tired sigh, ''Okay, its okay to not have your period yet. But if you still don't get it when you're 17 or 18, you should probably get it checked out.'', he answered.

''Why do mummy and daddy wrestle at night?'', Mr. Black read a question, and cracked a wry smile, ''Well, they're having sex.'', he answered.

He pulled out another piece of paper,

''Does Luigi have a dick?'', he read and then sighed as the class laughed. Tiago laughed and Travis high fived him,

''Good one!'', Travis praised.

''Simple minds think alike!'', Tiago added.

''Yes. Next question: Why do I find severe burn patients hot?'', Mr. Black sighed, disgusted, ''I'm not even going to answer that one. Next: Why do girls have two boobs? Is one hot and the other cold?'', he read. A couple laughed,

''Look, they just do… And no, they both come out lukewarm. Next: Was Jesus a boobs man or an ass man?'', he read, and several people laughed, while some of the religious folk looked uncomfortable.

''I have no idea.'', he answered, and pulled another piece of paper out, ''How should I come out to my parents?'', he read, and a few stifled giggles were heard.

''Jack?'', Rickie called out, and many of the students began to laugh as Mr. Black shook his head with his hand resting on his face. He let out a disappointed sigh, ''Well, you can tell them outright that you're gay. But it depends on what they're like. If they're very religious I'd recommend staying in the closet with your parents. If they're tolerant, then you can come out safely. I'd say just ask them what their opinion on homosexuality is, that should give you an idea of whether or not you should come out.'', he answered.

''Do you have a condom fetish?'', he read and chuckled. As did the rest of the class, including Ms. Elliot, ''Well, I guess because I'm a sex ed teacher, you can say that, but I think of it more as: We don't want you to get pregnant before you're ready and capable of looking after a child. Also, STD's.'', he answered.

He pulled out the last piece of paper from the box,

''Can I use my semen as mayonnaise if I run out of mayonnaise?'', he read and gagged, as the incredibly immature class began to laugh, ''No, that is disgusting.'', he answered.

''Okay, so that was horrible.'', he mumbled. As the class was over, he left, disappointed by the immaturity shown by the class.

The rest of the day went by as normal, and Tiago knew he'd remember that for a long time.

Well, that wraps up this chapter like you should wrap your penis before sex. I hope you enjoyed it! Because if not, I will kill you.

I am probably pushing it here, but as there is no sex or anything like that, I'm sure I'll be fine. If graphic lemons can stay up, I'm sure this can.

The 'It wasn't me! It was Misses Palmer and her 5 children!' line is taken from a thing my mother's brothers would say. She told me that, and so I had to include it.

Also, several questions were taken from 'The worst of physical education at school', by friendlyjordies. Its funny.

Well, I don't know when the next chapter will be out, but I hope it won't be too long of wait.

Until next time, goodbye.