A/N: Although these events of this story so far take place some time before she meets team RWBY and the others in RWBY's story in the Critique Universe, this foreshadows the review she later on collaborates with RWBY in their story with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie reviews produced by Michael Bay.
In this eighth game review of the story, Athena Cykes prepares to go all cowabunga ninja, as she reviews the NES game of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Athena Cykes' Game Review of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (NES)
Looking to pass the time after another exhausting day of case closing and mystery solving, she pops in another game to play and review on the NES called Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
"The original Ninja Turtles is one of the most annoying games I've ever played.", said Athena Cykes as she started off whilst playing the game, "You first play it and think 'Well, this can't be too bad. The control's decent, it's fun killing things, the sound effects are cool.' You may even think I'm trying to compare it to the sequels, which are far superior. Two-player, arcade action, beat up a bunch of Foot Soldiers. Good stuff. But, this first one is garbage. And you may be like, you know, 'Come on, it's the first of its kind, be easy on it.' But, no. It sucks. It sucks ass from a straw. And you wanna know why? Well...where do I begin? That beeping sound when you're low on energy? I mean, that's so annoying!"
The next portion of the game's current level has the player seeing tons of enemies on the above floor while the game character was on the floor below with a ladder leading up to the upper area.
The orange-haired attorney makes her point, "Now look at that! Now, how the hell am I supposed to get up there? That's impossible! And who is that guy with the chainsaw anyway? Remember him from Ninja Turtles? I sure don't. The only way I can get up there is with Donatello, the turtle with the longest weapon.", as she struggled to kill the last remaining enemy in this portion of the level by using Donatello, "C'mon...get over here, you fuck nut.", before managing to kill the enemy, "Alright.", and then saw a pizza pickup item in the game, "Okay, all of that just for a pizza? Pizza shit!"; Athena moves onward in the game to the Rocksteady boss level by commenting, "Okay, here's a trick I think everybody knows. When you're fighting Rocksteady, you jump up onto these crates with Donatello and you just keep hitting him with your bo. Now what's really weird is the timing. I mean, you have to hit him when he's sorta ducking, not when he's standing up. I guess that would make too much sense, so it's obviously a game flaw.", who then mentions the infamous dam level in the game, "Then there's that level where you have to save the dam. April O'Neil says 'You have my support.' Okay. What the hell did she ever do for you? Stupid banana raincoat wearing bitch.", and then summarizes the gameplay of the dam level, "So you have to swim around and deactivate all these bombs. And there's so many things out there to kill you, and you have a time limit, so, naturally, you're rushing to make it through as fast as you can. And all these electric plants hurt you, so you need a lot of patience. But how could you have patience when you're in a fucking hurry? FUCK!"
In the game, Athena eventually made it past the dam level to the third level.
"Level 3 is like a maze. You're in the Turtle Van goin' around, and there's steamrollers coming at you from everywhere. And you know what I always thought was really weird? Why does the Turtle Van have the same energy bar as the turtle that you have selected? Like, shouldn't it have its own since it's like the vehicle and not...you know, the turtle? Never mind.", Cykes sighed.
She then pauses the game in order to say something for the moment.
The female lawyer proceeded to conversate, "So here's a pop quiz: Who were the target audience for this game? Kids. Kids who were fans of Ninja Turtles. Now, you think they would've actually have put more Ninja Turtle characters in the game? Like, uh, Baxter Stockman, the Rat King, Krang? I mean, it's not like Krang was like a minor character that came in the fifth season of the show. Krang was right there from the beginning. So like there was no excuse. There was no excuse not to have him there. I mean, instead, make way for, uh, the missile balloons, flying robot head, those little butterfly things, Mr. Fire Man.", sighing in confusement while she drank her bottle of orange juice, "And...why don't you hear the Ninja Turtles theme song anywhere in the game? What a piece of shit."
Athena then continues the game after pausing it, moving on to the sewer level.
"You know what I hate? The fuckin' jumps in the sewer. If your accuracy is slightly off, you're goin' down. So you really gotta take your time and watch what's comin' up.", ranted Athena as she examined it by testing a jump only for the character to fall in the water after getting hit and losing a life, "Ughhh, you son of a fuck! And you know what pisses me off? They're turtles, for fuck's sakes! They can't even swim?", also explaining the spike trap portion of the level, "Now look at this shit right here! These spike walls come out at you like an Indiana Jones booby trap, and some game designer who's laughin' their ass off just decided to put a pizza down there. Okay, well, what's the point? I mean, are you gonna be suicidal enough to go and try to get that pizza? I mean, who's gonna do that? It's impossible. What a joke! And speaking of hard-to-reach pizzas, look at this!", she said when she showed another part of the level like the booby trap where the player can't reach the pizza pickup item and she tries to get it, "Come on! Augh, you fuck rat! This is just a bunch of cock-a-dookie, this is bullfuck. Holy shit! Fuck! Oh my god. Oh, man.", she relieves after getting the pizza pickup item, "Why is this game so hard? It's for kids! Have mercy!", also remarking a small gap on the top of the level, "And why does this jump have to be so close to the ceiling? Fuck this game! And you know what pisses me off? Every time you fall down, you have to walk through the entire room all over again. All the enemies come back, so you have to fight everybody all over again. Now, if you get the pizza, the pizza doesn't come back, only the bad guys. What a shitload of fuck! I mean, you can't even develop a strategy because the enemies keep changing. It's completely random."
Once again, Athena struggles to jump over the gap on the top but fails numerous times.
The orange-haired girl struggled during her gameplay, "I can't get over this fucking jump. If only those two extra platforms weren't there, it wouldn't be a problem. God! Can I get up? Can I get up? No! God-fucking-damn, get the fuck up there! Get up there! Fuck! Whoa dude, this game's, like, a total bummer. What a joke! Fuck!", just before she witnesses her character in the game simply walking over it without falling through and advancing, "Wait, you can just walk over it? You can just...walk over it."
Reacting to this, she dropped her controller and sighed after a few moments of realization.
"You are scum.", she simply said and drank more of her bottle of orange juice, "Cowabunga... COW-A-FUCKING PIECE OF DOGSHIT! This game is diarrhea comin' outta my dick! This game is as appealing as a fuckin' ooze-infested dirty fuckin' sewer rat shit! I've had more fun playing with dog turds! Shredder's my ass and Splinter's my balls! This game is an inside-out asshole regurgitating putrid anal fecal matter! I'd rather fucking yank all the hairs out of my scrotum! I'd rather drink diarrhea vomited out of a buffalo's anus! It sucking fucks, it fucking sucks, IT FUCKING BLOWS, IT'S A PIECE OF SHIT...and I don't like it."
Sighing once more, she turns off her NES console, takes the game out and tosses it aside as always, going back to her duties once finishing her review.
End of Athena Cykes' Game Review of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (NES)
Up Next: Athena Cykes' Game Review of Back to the Future (NES)