Prompt: Things you wouldn't hear in a Console War documentary.

"...Car Racing Tournament." Blanc took a deep breath, before yelling into the phone at top volume, "What the fuck did you make my sisters do this time, Vert?!"

"Nothing, I swear. I'm still a little disappointed that you haven't taken up my advice of admitting some handsome, well-toned gentlemen into the Race Queen ranks—"

"That's because it's the friggin' Race QUEEN selection, duh! And there's kids in the crowd! Who DON'T need to see the kind of costumes you sent to me!"

"Anyways, I was just sitting there with the rest of the audiences, ready to see what the twins had come up with this year, when—" The explosion sounds soon drowned out her voice, followed by a wave of shrieks and cries.

"Oh my, things are really getting out of hand. I suppose it's time for me to step in. See you at the scene?"

"CRUSH PIRACY. KILL PIRATES. DESTROY SIN. SWAG."

The loud monotone chanting could be heard from the air, before White Heart landed on the race tracks, and the stadium gate came crashing down in a cloud of smoke and debris.

A green streak of light cut through the air. Seconds later, a spear flew out of Green Heart's hands. It bounced right off the...giant plumber head mounted on top of the steamroller, as the hulking vehicle rolled out of the building.

"There you are!" Green Heart turned to her, "My spear can't get through its armor."

"What the hell is going on here? Why is there a steamroller?"

"Honestly, I have no idea. But the twins—!"

The monotone chanting was soon interrupted by two panicking voices, coming out of the vehicle's speaker.

"Ugh! Stop moving, you dummy!"

"R-Ram! Don't hit that thing, you are gonna break it—"

Rom let out a scream, as the steamroller took another sharp turn, nearly bringing a nearby lamppost down with its momentum.

"They are in there?!" In an instant, White Heart circled to the steamroller's front, axe raised. "You let them drive THAT to the tournament?"

"No! Ram just told me it was going to, I quote, 'exceed my expectation by 1000%' when I asked. Since they clearly had a big surprise ready for everyone, I didn't press further—"

"Well, you very well damn should!" White Heart gritted her teeth, and summoned several ice bullets, "Gefahrlichtern!"

She was aiming for the steamroller's front wheel, but the ice just shattered harmlessly upon impact, without even creating a dent.

"RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. GAZE UPON THE MIGHT OF LOWEEIAN ENGINEERING AND WEEP, FOUL PIRATES," Right at that moment, as if mocking her efforts, the giant plumber head resumed its monotone chanting, "REPENT!"

"Rom! Ram!" White Heart screamed, hanging on the top of the vehicle. She managed to pound on the armored hatch for a few more times, before it threw her off. "Can you hear me? Open up!"

The steamroller had made its way to the outer edges of the city. It didn't seem to be paying any attention to the pursuers, only stopping to topple a few warehouses, and smashed right through a police station's walls, leaving a trail of crushed cartridges on its way out.

"NEVER. NEVER RELINQUISH CONTROL. THE GREAT KINGDOM OF LOWEE WILL NOT BOW TO YOUR SINS."

Once again, only the giant plumber head answered her. Its eyes were glowing red now, for some reason.

"Sonofabitch..." White Heart wiped the soot off her face, before turning to Green Heart. "If I stopped the vehicle long enough, can you pry that hatch open with your spear? My axe is too big for that!"

"Of course."

That was all she needed to hear. White Heart dashed to the front of the vehicle. Raising her arms, she gripped the metal strip in front of the wheel, forcing the whole vehicle to a halt with sheer strength alone.

More smoke was coming out of the chimney, growing thicker and thicker, while the wheels grinded against the road below, sending out a burst of sparks. The metal parts and pipes above them creaked and shrieked in protest.

"THERE IS NO VALOR IN A LIFE OF CRIME. YOUR BRUTE STRENGTH IS NO MATCH FOR THE TOOL OF LOWEEIAN JUSTICE. CEASE! AND DECEASE!"

"Would you please—"

Beads of sweat were forming on White Heart's forehead. Above her, the sharp clangs were getting louder, each strike sounding more desperate than the last.

"—Shut up already, you creepy-ass plumber?!"

"LOWEE'S PLUMBING SYSTEM IS A WONDEROUS CONSTRUCTION. THE FINEST WORK OF THE MARYO FAMILY. OUR PEOPLE'S PRIDE. YOUR SLANDER ONLY EXPOSES THE FULL EXTENT OF YOUR IGNORANCE, FOUL PIRATE—"

"Who the fuck are you calling a pirate?" White Heart hissed, as the wheels started grinding even harder than before, and she was forced back a few steps. "I am Lowee's CPU!"

"—AND PRETENDING TO BE THE GLORIOUS MAUVE HEART IS A GRAVE OFFENSE. A SHAMEFUL DISPLAY OF YOUR SINFUL ARROGANCE."

"Whatever! I don't give a shit! Let! My! Sisters! Out!"

Right at that moment, with a loud, grating bang, the hatch flew off.

"Ah. Finally!" A huff, "Quick, take my hands!"

"Miss Vert—?"

"There's no time! Let's go!"

A huge tremor ran through the entire vehicle. The chimney began to rumble, and smoke was leaking out from its underside. In the midst of the chaos, there were two flashes of light, before three blurry silhouettes zoomed away into the sky.

"WARNING. WARNING. ENGINE O-O-OVERHEATING. U-UNABLE TO—." The plumber head stuttered. "DO NOT GLOAT. VICTORY IS NOT YOURS, FOUL PIRATE. I SHALL TAKE YOU DOWN WITH ME. ACTIVATING SELF-DESTRUCTION PROGRAM. LONG LIVE THE KINGDOM OF LOWEE—!"

It didn't finish the sentence. In one swift motion, White Heart lifted the steamroller over her head, and hurled it across the sky. The entire vehicle exploded in a brilliant firework in midair, sending chunks of metal and pipes flying everywhere.

Several seconds later, the giant plumber head fell onto the ground with a resounding thud, and rolled all the way to Blanc. Despite the soot and charred marks that covered its surface, it was still miraculously intact.

"What the hell? Really?" Blanc facepalmed, "Okay, okay, the tournament regulations say you can drive a steamroller onto the tracks. But where did you even find that steamroller?! Reinforced with Nitendium alloy?!"

"From the Basilicom basement." Rom answered, still sniffling a little. "I-It's actually my idea. I didn't know the steamroller was...evil. Sorry, big sis."

"Yeah! It wasn't even locked, and look!" Ram removed a book from her coat's pocket. "This page said that all the stuff in there belonged to Lowee's past CPUs. Ugh, how could we know that one of them was a huge meanie?"

"...Let me see that."

Blanc took the book, and started glancing over the pages.

...The Große Dampfwalze™, developed as a collaboration project between Sir Maryo II of the Rumania Academy and Mauve Heart herself, also made its debut during the annual festival. Armored with the finest Nitendium plating and cutting-edge AI programming, this vehicle has the ability to automatically detect and track down all contaminants spread by the Deity of Sin, and destroy them before they can work their evils into the hearts of our citizens.

"CRUSH PIRACY. KILL PIRATES. DESTROY SIN. SWAG." Once the vehicle is in action, these words should forever haunt the dreams of every Deity of Sin cultist and their criminal lackeys in the years to come.

Okay, the inspiration for this one-shot comes from the rather obscure Steamroller Mario pictures. In which Nintendo literally destroyed piles of bootleg Gameboy cartridges with a steamroller in the Netherlands, while a guy in Mario costume was standing by, overseeing the whole thing.

You have to see it to believe it.

Certainly not something you would find in a Console War documentary, ay?