Throne of Cards 7 – Wishes And Wizards

No matter how big a pile of poo you're in, there's always some way things can get worse.

Excerpt from 'Ruminations Of A Master Bard'

"If I never see a pile of dogpoo the size of a large horse again, I'll be really happy," Zaerini said, trying to squeeze her nostrils shut without letting go of Boo's fur. "And that wasn't a wish, just in case anybody's listening!"

"Minsc doesn't mind," Minsc said cheerfully. "The plains of Rasheman have many great herds of cattle and sheep, and riding or walking you learn to be wary of hidden danger."

"Great. Just great." Can I wish I never have to go to Rasheman? Does it count if I don't say it out loud?

Boo suddenly stopped and sniffed the ground, forcing the two miniaturized riders to cling on for dear life or be thrown off his back. "What is the matter, Boo?" Minsc asked, patting the hamster's neck. "Have you found the slimy trail left behind by Evil's slug-like feet? Does it belong to our wicked adversary, the man who would curse innocent little monkeys?"

"I don't think I've ever seen a slug with feet," Rini commented, but she felt a cautious optimisim as she felt Boo's fur rising under her hands. Whatever he'd found, he was definitely interested in it, and it wasn't as if they knew where to go anyway. "Can you tell him to follow it?"

Boo turned his head to watch it for a moment, and she felt oddly disconcerted as she saw her own image reflected in his shining black eye. For a moment, she'd almost thought she was being watched by something other than a hamster. Something old, and alien. Don't be stupid. It's just because he's bigger than you are.

"Of course, little Rini!" Minsc said. "Boo, chase the Evil named Kiser down."

"Minsc, we don't even know if it's Kiser's trai…arrrrgh!" Boo was off again, running through the streets at what could best be described as a gallop. It involved more bouncing than Rini had experienced on top of a horse though, and by the time Boo stopped again she was starting to feel rather sick. She just had time to notice that they were outside a house – some kind of shop she thought, for there was a sign above the door. Then Boo squeezed both himself and his riders through the narrow crack where the door hadn't been entirely shut, and they were inside. It was fairly dark, but she could make out enough to see that it did seem to be some sort of shop, or maybe a storage area. She didn't see a counter, but there were many sacks and barrels lining the walls and the air smelled strongly of spices and herbs. Boo made a beeline for one of the sacks on the floor, and busied himself with claws and teeth at a small tear in the cloth. Finally he'd widened the hole enough to be content and happily stuffed his face until both his furry cheeks bulged.

"Oh," Rini said as she saw what had spilled out of the sack. Nuts. A yummy treat for a hamster of course, and maybe it wasn't that strange that he'd managed to smell them, even from far away. "Minsc, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but…" Then she broke off. She'd read the text on the sack. The same text that had been written on all the sacks, and on the barrels as well. 'Property of Kiser Jhaeri'. Holy hamster heroics…I can hardly believe it.

"Yes, little Rini?"

"Uh…nothing. Boo has been a very good boy. Good Boo."

"This is the Evil Kiser's Lair?"

"Yeah. Or at least his warehouse. Let's look around a bit, and see what we can find out, shall we?"

An hour or so Zaerini had come to the conclusion that searching a room wasn't all that easy when you were the size of a mouse. She'd found nothing of particular interest on the floor, and while there were a few tables and a number of shelves she couldn't get onto them. Of Kiser himself there was no sign.

"Oh come on!" She eventually said with an angry sigh. "This is getting us nowhere closer to finding Kiser. I wish he'd turn up already and…"

CLANG!

Rini pressed both her hands against her mouth, but it was already too late. Even as the wish escaped her lips something slammed down over her head. Something solid, with sturdy metal bars. It was a cage, and she was trapped inside along with Minsc and Boo. That was bad enough, but the sight of a giant face bending down to scrutinize them was even worse. Human eyes shouldn't be that big, it just wasn't right, and being able to see every pore on the huge face of the man grinning at her was quite disgusting. Not on par with Irenicus, but bad all the same, especially when hot breath smelling strongly of garlic swept towards her like a fetid gust of wind.

I can't believe I just said that. Stupid curse must be rotting my brains. And how did he sneak up on us without us hearing a thing?

"Well, well, what have we here?" A voice boomed, so loud it nearly made her drop to her knees. "Some very strange mice, these. A good thing I was just about to set out the traps."

"Release us at once, or the mighty miniature fury of Minsc and Boo will be the last thing you see as it is unleased upon the jelly of your evil eyeballs!" Minsc threatened, shaking the bars. "Boo, give the fiend your fiercest warning!"

Boo squeaked, and resumed scratching his ear with his paw.

"Fascinating!" The giant said, watching them all closely. "What are you, I wonder? Not homunculi, you are far too lifelike, and not mechanical creatures either. Where did you come from?"

This probably wouldn't be a good time to tell him we came here to give his cursed monkey paw back to him.

"We're…pixies!" Rini said, fervently hoping that Minsc wouldn't blurt out the truth. "We didn't intend to come here, we got packed into one of your crates by accident."

The giant face wrinkled a little in thought. "You don't look like pixies."

"That's because we're special Rashemani pixies! We don't look like regular old pixies, everybody knows that. Now let us out. "

Another hot waft of air and a calculating smile which looked anything other than reassuring. "I see. Well, little pixies, my name is Kiser Jhaeri, and I trade with many strange countries, but not with Rasheman. Even so, it may be that you're telling the truth, and were hidden in one of my crates. And since I have bought and paid for all the goods in all the crates, clearly I have also bought and paid for you. So no, I don't think I will let you go. I have a feeling I could get a good price for you from the right kind of customer. Let's just get you settled in before I return to my regular business, shall we?"

The cage was swept into the air, with both the tiny people and the hamster jostled around inside of it. Between trying to avoid being squashed against the bars by Boo and trying to get Minsc's legs off her chest Rini could just make out a door opening behind what was apparently false cupboard. So that's where he came from before. "Welcome into my humble abode," Kiser said, and then he carried them into the darkness.

Edwin, meanwhile, had worked out at least some of his frustrations on the assembled giants. The wizard Errard had turned out to be a bear of a man, almost as wide as he was tall, with a broad chest and bulging arms that seemed more suited on a blacksmith than a mage. He had a bushy black beard, and equally bushy black eyebrows, and the staff he carried looked more like a small tree than anything else. The only thing which didn't quite fit was his voice, which was oddly light and trilling.

"Want to help, do you?" He'd said when Edwin had first introduced himself. "Good, good. The shields are currently stable, so we're taking the opportunity to fire back a bit. Aim for their clerics if you can, and don't forget to keep score. It's 1 point for a regular hit, 5 points if you get them in the face and 10 points if you make sure they can't make any more little giants, if you see my meaning." He giggled loudly, and paused to wipe some tears off his cheeks. "Heh. Sorry, been a long day."

"You are the senior wizard here?" Edwin inquired, wanting to make absolutely sure. Yes, he could sense that the man had a decent enough gift, but he seemed rather erratic.

"Since the day before yesterday," Errard promptly replied. "That's when Old Barnaby died. Before him it was Adept Theodosia, and before her it was Archmage Doobeldum, and before him…"

"You seem to have been going through your supply of wizards rather quickly," Edwin said, raising an eyebrow. "Have the giants been breaching the shields that frequently?"

"Oh no." Errard sighed, wearily rubbing at his temple with sausagelike fingers, as if he had a headache. "And not that quickly, it's been a couple of months. Barnaby ate something which didn't agree with him, I think. Theodosia slipped on some soap in her bath, and poor old Doobeldum somehow managed to set fire to his own house. We only found his beltbuckle and even that was badly melted."

"I see," Edwin said. "So how many are left to maintain the shield?"

"Only me," Errard said with another sigh. "I'm trying to teach some of the apprentices, but that takes time. Say, would you mind having a go at it? You're obviously strong enough, and I'm afraid if I don't get some sleep soon it'll fail anyway, I'm bound to make a mistake eventually. It's stable for now, but if you could just recharge it before you leave the walls I'd much appreciate it."

"Very well," Edwin agreed. It was a reasonable enough request after all, that shield was all that was currently keeping the giants from scaling the walls. "As long as I first get the opportunity to rain destruction and devastation on as many giants as possible."

"Have at it," Errard said with a grin. "And remember the score! It's points per hour, and I'm currently at 60. Beat that, and you win the prize, a whole box of Lady Melissan's cookies! I'll show you how the shield works, and then I'll have a nap."

Edwin did enjoy himself with the giants for quite some time before he grew weary of it, and then busied himself with maintaining the shield before leaving. He did feel a little better than he had before, and not just from his successful score of 67. Having a problem to think about, another problem that is, that had helped as well. A poisoning, an accidental fall, and an accidental housefire. That's quite a few accidents in a short time, and all of them involving the wizards devoted to maintaining the shield. I can just imagine what Father would have to say about such a curious series of 'accidents'. Edwin folded his hands in the long sleeves of his robe as he walked on, deep in thought. Errard might not recognize the pattern, but there is definitely a traitor in Saradush. He had attempted to warn Errard before he left, but the man had been half asleep and wasn't really listening to a word he said. We had better find this person, and soon. Errard must surely be the next target now, so perhaps some form of trap might be set? Edwin decided to think about this some more, and also to speak with his lover about it. While he undoubtedly could manage on his own, this was something he suspected she would want to be aware of. Also, now that he had worked the worst of his anger and fear out of his body for the moment, he suddenly felt himself missing her to the point where the longing came close to physical pain. Her voice, her smile, the warm scent of her skin…Edwin walked faster, eager to be out of the dusty streets of Saradush and in far more pleasant company than that of fire giants. The sight of a sign with a lit lantern attached, swingingly slowly in the wind, made him pause. A guard house, that would be just the thing. If he reported his suspiciouns to the lawful authorities, they'd hopefully handle it and he wouldn't need to bother further. It should only take me a few minutes extra.

An hour later Edwin found himself in dire need of more fire giants. He'd been kept waiting while a seemingly endless parade of thugs, beggars and tarts were dragged past him, presumably about to be taken to waiting cells. The bench he was sitting on was hard, and painted in a shade which could only be described as vomit green. The magical lamps hanging on the walls flickered, and made every single person illuminated by them look as if they suffered from consumption, and worst of all, there wasn't a single thing to read. Finally, finally, he was directed into a small office where a weary man in slightly dented guard platemail looked up at him from across a towering stack of paperwork. He looked to be in his thirties or so, with a narrow face and sandcoloured hair, and he introduced himself as Guard Captain Mateo.

"I thank you for your concern," He said once Edwin had finished his tale. "I have, however, already looked into the deaths in question, and could find no proof that they were other than accidental."

"Then you clearly weren't looking hard enough," Edwin said with a dismissive glance at the man. "Three deaths in a relatively short time, all of them wizards involved in the city's magical defense? That is at least one too many to be a coincidence."

"All of them died at home, and alone," Mateo persisted. "As you have taken the trouble to involve yourself I will tell you this much. I did perform a thorough investigation, and there was no sign, magical or mundane, that anybody else had been present. I thought the same as you do, and tried to dig deeper, but found only one curious fact. Shortly before their deaths, they had all visited a particular business emporium, one belonging to a certain Kiser Jhaeri. He's a rather unsavoury type, and he didn't appreciate me looking into his affairs. Got quite unpleasant about it, and he told me I'd regret the offence."

"Well then?"

"Unfortunately he also had an alibi for all three deaths, he was seen in public at the time. He couldn't have done it."

"He could have hired an assassin," Edwin objected. "That is what I would expect an affluent and prudent man to do. A skilled enough professional could easily make those deaths appear accidental."

"I suppose so, and it's not that I don't suspect Kiser, quite the contrary, but with the siege going on I simply haven't the time or means to do more right now. I will try to have one of my men keep an eye on Errard, but we're swamped with work as it is, and…"

"And?"

Mateo made a pained grimace. "And my best man, Ardic, has just gone missing while on patrol. We're looking for him, but I fear the worst. In fact, I must go see his mother, Countess Santele and…"

There was a heavy knock on the door, more of an insistent pounding. Before Mateo had the time to answer, it was pushed open, and two muscular guards entered, followed by an older man with a grizzled beard and lined face.

"Guard Commander Royden!" Mateo exclaimed as he shot to his feet. "What is…"

"Captain Mateo," The man said in a solemn voice. "You are under arrest, for the abduction and murder of Sergeant Ardic. The Countess herself has testified against you. Do you have anything to say before you are taken to the cells?"

Mateo had gone quite pale, and Edwin could see his hands shaking as he supported himself on his desk. "Only that I am innocent of this crime. It is my hope that the true culprit can soon be found, and brought to justice." He turned to Edwin and looked him straight in the eyes as he mouthed two words.

Kiser Jhaeri.

"This is a brothel?" Imoen said, looking up at the house before her. "It's not what I'd expected."

"What did you expect?" Viconia asked, not taking her eyes off the house's main gate. The three adventurers were stood in a sidealley on the other side of the street, having wanted to scout the premises before entering the suspected vampire nest.

"More noise, I think," Imoen said as she thought about it. "More lights too. It doesn't really look like a decadent nest of torrid passions and unbridled lusts, does it?"

Viconia observed the house some more. Imoen did have a point. It was a rather elegant stone building, with three stories and a small front garden surrounded by a tall iron railing. There were indeed no garish lights, no music leaking out, nor any other noises. There was light in some of the windows, and now and then she could glimpse a dark shape moving inside, but that was all. It looked more like a private residence belonging to a prosperous merchant than anything else. "It could be one of the higher class establishments," She said. "Successful courtesans sometimes prefer to keep a lower profile for the sake of such customers who prefer discretion."

"Speaking of customers," Sarevok said, "They don't seem to have all that many." A few men had been seen coming and going, but not nearly the number Viconia had expected. Then again, she thought, if they are the vampires we seek they need the blood more than the gold, and they wouldn't want to attract too much attention.

"At least we've seen people leave alive," Viconia said. She knew she would have been able to tell if any of the customers had been turned, and though she'd noticed them swaying on their feet that hadn't been the case. "Let's pay them a business visit and learn more."

"You want us to pretend to be customers?" Imoen asked, catching on at once. "I guess we could, but it'll be risky. They'll want us to split up, won't they? Still, better than a full frontal assault."

"I see no issue with a full frontal assault," Sarevok protested. "It will take them by surprise, and they will be struck down before they can endanger us."

"We don't know how many there are," Imoen said. "Suppose there's twenty of them in there? Besides, we don't know that we want to kill them. From what Rini said, it sounded like they might have information we need."

"On your own head be it then," Sarevok said with a small sneer. "At least I will be able to watch you panic, and that should be entertainment of a sort."

"I won't!" Imoen objected. "I've fought more vampires than you have, I bet. Bodhi wasn't exactly a fluffy kitten."

"Perhaps, and perhaps not. But I was thinking of another sort of experience than that, sister. Alone with an amorous vampire prostitute, what will you do?"

"I'll handle it," Imoen said, but she didn't sound quite as sure of herself as before.

"Unless they are outright hostile, it should pose no problem," Viconia said. "Remember, you will be the customer, and it will be your decision how much or how little you want to do."

"Oh. Good."

"Unless they use vampiric powers of suggestion, that is. But my spells will most likely protect us from that."

"Most likely?!"

"For at least an hour," Viconia said. "I advice you both not to dally. And remember, we do not know the exact nature of the information we seek, so keep your eyes and ears wide open."

"Yes, yes," Sarevok said. "Let's get this over with quickly." He strode off towards the house without looking to see if the two women followed.

"I bet he says that to all the ladies," Viconia said with a small smile. "Shall we?"

Imoen gave her a quick grin in reply.

Sarevok gave the tall, dark blue door what he might have considered a light knock. Given his strength and armored fist, the door creaked and bent slightly under the blow. After a little while, Viconia's keen ears could hear light footsteps inside, and then the door was opened so quickly that Sarevok had to take a step back in order not to get it in the face.

"The mysteries of this portal are infinite," Said the man standing inside. "And greatest of them all is this, you pull rather than push." He was human, of middle height and build, with brown hair and a smooth, tanned face. He was definitely mortal, and not a vampire.

"We have business within," Viconia said before Sarevok had time to cut in. "If I am correctly informed, your mistresses would gladly see us and discuss the terms of a small arrangement."

The man looked her steadily in the eye, seemingly not intimidated by the sight of a Drow. Of course, Viconia thought, he is used to his vampire mistresses. Even a Drow cannot compete with that.

"Yes," The man simply said. "Please, come inside and have a seat. I will inform them that you are here."

The three adventurers were led inside, and shown into a small parlour. There was a pleasant fire going in the fireplace, and the furniture was of high quality even if Viconia found the soft sofas and armchairs were a rather odd shade of purple which reminded her of a human spleen. Everything was clean and tidy, and somewhere in the distance she could hear faint, tinkling music. The paintings on the walls were the only hint towards the nature of the place, and even so they were romantic rather than blatant.

"Good evening," A quiet voice spoke from the other end of the room.

"Be welcome and enjoy your visit," Said a second voice.

Viconia's head whipped around. She hadn't heard them approach, not a single footstep, not a whisper of a sound. Yet there they were, two paleskinned women seated on the two chairs closest to the door. At first glance, they looked very different. One had dark hair, the other blonde. The blonde was a little taller and slimmer, with amber eyes and an amused smile. The brunette was curvier, with bright green eyes and a more solemn face than her companion. And yet, there was an odd sameness about them. Pale skin, yes, a little too pale, and the eyes were catching the light in ways human eyes shouldn't. There was something about the way they moved as well, too precise. And of course, neither one was breathing. Viconia couldn't quite see the fangs, not even when the blonde smiled at her, but she knew they were there.

"We are interested in your establishment, and possibly in a business arrangement," She began, cautious about what she said. "Can you tell us about what you have to offer?"

"Of course," The blonde said, still with that ready smile which didn't quite bare her fangs. "We offer pleasure, rare and particular pleasure, such as cannot be had elsewhere and will never be forgotten. We offer forgetfulness for those who so desire, and memory of what has been lost. We offer dreams and fantasies, and sweet rest."

"What kind of rest?" Imoen asked, her eyes rather wide.

"Whatever kind pleases you best," The blonde said, her smile widening just a fraction. Flash of white teeth. "We are proud to say we have never had an unhappy customer. Is that not so, sister?"

"It is so," The dark one agreed. "But we forget our manners, sister. We have not properly introduced ourselves to our guests. I am called Melora."

"And I am Lilem," The blonde said. Her unblinking gaze stayed on the three mortals. "Might we know yours?"

"We are Felynath, Starling and Broig," Viconia smoothly replied, indicating herself and her companions and ignoring the glare Sarevok shot at her when she spoke his alias.

"Of course you are," Melora said, steepling her fingers and watching Viconia across them. Her face was perfectly smooth, and her voice held no hint of emotion.

"My sister does not seem to believe you," Lilem said, still smiling. "She can be so suspicious at times, can't you my dear?"

Melora did not reply, but now she was smiling as well. It wasn't a particularly pleasant smile, Viconia thought.

"Just what are you implying?" Sarevok growled.

"You know," Lilem said, "It's so convenient for one of us to be the chattering one. It puts people at ease, it makes them relax…and it makes their surface thoughts rather easy to read, for one skilled in that art." She winked. "My sweet sister is skilled."

"You'd better watch out!" Imoen said, her stance tensing as if she was preparing herself to spring on the two vampires. "We know what you're about, we know what you are, and we're not the suckers you're used to! We can defend ourselves!"

So much for the cover, Viconia thought with an internal sigh. But they had guessed anyway. They are more powerful than I had expected. She was making preparations on her own, her fingers creeping closer to her holy symbol. She was reasonably sure she could turn one of the vampires in time. Both at the same time, now that might be tricky.

"I suppose you can," Lilem said, still calmly seated. "Sister?"

"The pink one fought our kindred before," Melora said, tilting her head to one side. "Very uncouth ones." She made a grimace. "Graveyard dwellers, wallowing in tubs of blood. Their 'queen' was insane, it would seem. Totally out of control."

"There is no need for such unpleasantness between us," Lilem said with another charming smile. "Their way is not our way." She shrugged. "Why go on a rampage when we can take what we require a little at a time? We satisfy our need, and we satisfy their need for pleasure at the same time." She licked her lips briefly, and now Viconia could just glimpse the fangs. "There is no pleasure such as our kisses. Our customers go away happy, and yes, they do go away. Many return, and eagerly. It is better business this way."

"You're telling us you don't kill people?" Imoen said.

"Accidents do happen," Lilem said. "We do insist on a clean bill of health, but occasionally they might have health issues they keep from us."

"People will say anything to get what they want," Melora said.

"What about the mind reading trick?" Sarevok asked, frowning.

"I do give them fair warning. Nobody with a heart condition, wasting diseases or recent wounds. If they choose to ignore that, are we to blame?"

"Never mind all that," Viconia said. "That is not why we're here, and I don't think your telepathy is strong enough to tell you everything."

"Not everything, no," Melora freely admitted. "But you clearly want something from us. If not a fight, or our kisses, then perhaps you might just tell us what it is, and then we'll see if we can come to an agreement."

"Very well," Viconia said. She still wasn't sure she trusted these two, but it seemed best to get down to business at this point. "We need access to Gromnir Il Khan. We've been lead to believe you might assist us with that."

"Gromnir, is it?" Lilem said, her eyes narrowing a little. "Why yes, we might make arrangements for that. Of course, you would need to give us something in return."

"We're not letting you drink our blood!" Imoen cut in. "Or do any other bad things to us either."

"Oh, but bad things can be so deliciously pleasant," The vampire said in a low hiss. "You might be surprised."

"Nothing so dramatic," Melora said, idly twirling a lock of hair around her finger. "A small sample of blood from each one of you, including your companions, that is all we require. Not enough to do you any harm."

"Why?" Sarevok said, his hand going to the hilt of his sword. "For the purpose of some sinister spell intent on controlling us?"

"No," Melora said. "We're collectors, you see." She beamed, fangs glittering. "My own collection is quite fine, with some very rare samples including a blue halfdragon and a halfling berserker. Why, I even came in second at VampCon last year, and I could have won if somebody hadn't managed to snag a case of Sparkling Plasma and bribed thejudges…"

"Tsk tsk," Lilem said, looking smug. "Don't be a sore loser, sister dear."

"At least I won the costume contest," Melora mused. "I was a divinely perfect vampire hunter, and your dryad looked like you'd simply rolled in a haystack."

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

The vampire sisters glared at each other for a moment, fangs bared and snarled.

"At any rate," Melora finally said, "This is the deal we're proposing. You may accept it or not."

The three adventurers looked at each other. "I don't know that Rini will like it," Imoen said. "Or Edwin."

"Perhaps not," Viconia agreed. "But it is a possible way forward. We can at least deliver the proposal." And I will make certain we come well prepared, in case of treachery.

"I fear no vampires," Sarevok stated. "I say we accept, and if they betray us we make them pay sorely for it." There was an eager, almost feverish glance in his eyes as he looked upon the two vampires. Not simple lust, Viconia thought, attractive though they both were. No, there was something else. What is he up to?

"We will deliver your proposal to our leader," Viconia said. "Will we be able to find you here tomorrow evening?"

"Most likely," Melora said, stretching lazily like a cat.

"And if not," Lilem added, "We will find you."

Yes. That is very, very reassuring.