Chapter Eight
I'd been branded. No, not with an iron, but I reckon the imprint was still permanent anyway. The Laramie gazette branded me as a hero, or, I reckon that's what the woman said about me when she and her two daughters reached Laramie. The story was spread from one town to another so fast that I had someone shaking my hand every time a stagecoach stopped for the team switch. I wasn't really cut out for life as a celebrity, but there was an upside to the constant attention I was being given. Even though it turned out to only be temporary, it did help to divert my thoughts away from the imminent threat that hadn't stopped breathing down my neck.
It was the nights, though, where the diversion couldn't possibly touch. I'd feel Slim's eyes on me throughout the day, watching over me, checking on my condition, making sure my steps remained even, and that my hand wasn't reaching for my stomach. But now that gaze was absent. We were in the same room with each other, sitting at the same table, but that protective glance was gone. I hadn't put any food to my lips all day, but a few swallows of water had slid down my throat, and the one I had just taken felt forced. I was returning the cup to the table when my eyes searched for Slim's, and when I found what kept his blue's attention, I released a small sigh. He was staring into a bowl of soup, untouched, like mine, but not because it tasted like last week's wash water. It held his attention, because my partner's mind was already located in the place of grief.
"Pard," I offered, waiting for his eyes to pull away from the soup to land onto mine, and yeah, I noticed the moisture. It was a sobering thought, knowing that you were gonna lose someone you cared about, and when there was nothing you could do to prevent it from happening, it made that suffering even worse. I saw that emotion in Slim's face, and I reckon my eyes moistened up a tad themselves, because I was hurting for my partner just as badly as he was hurting for me.
"Sorry, Jess," Slim said, shaking his head, but I put up my hand to pause his unnecessary apology from being spelled out even further.
"That ain't what I was going for. I know why you were far away. Besides, I should be the one saying those words. I'm sorry, Pard, that you've gotta go through this."
"It's hard," Slim said, taking one of the deepest breaths he could draw in as his hands folded together against his forehead. "I'd do anything to take this away from you, but I can't."
His words touched me, and I realized there was a place inside of me that wasn't affected by my illness. What Slim had just said took up residence in that place, and the more I savored on its warmth, I realized I had to pass that same feeling of comfort back to Slim. "I wish I could save you from going through your end of this, too, Slim."
It mighta been more agony than all my gunshot wounds combined, but my suffering was only temporary. Once I'd take my last breath, though, my misery would be gone, but Slim's was gonna go on forever. Shock was always the first reaction to death, but after the stunned stillness was past, the heartache would take over, along with the myriad of emotions that went with it. He'd come home to an empty house, every corner of it reminding him of me. He'd see me in the shadows and turn, expecting me to be there, but there'd only be empty space. He'd open his mouth to start a conversation, only to realize that I wasn't there to hear it anymore. And he'd cry. Maybe only on the inside, with the tears barely dimming the eye, but he'd unleash an unseen torrent after our last goodbye.
My thoughts mighta been rambling in rhyme, but when Slim gave me a steady nod in response, I offered one in return, enough already being spoken between us. We were closer than brothers, but we weren't the type that would lay a book full of poetry out in front of each other to express our feelings. Most of what resided in our thoughts stayed where they were created, yet there were some of them that could be passed between us just by the shade of our eyes. And there was another volume given purely by touch. I slowly rose, gave Slim a slap on the shoulder, another hundred or so words shared, and then I motioned toward the bedroom.
"I'm gonna get some sleep, Slim. I think I'll take a ride out to the north pasture in the morning and check on the calves. Seeing some early frolicking by a team of mischievous, baby beeves should set me in the mood for the rest of the day."
It woulda, if something hadn't already been set for me the minute I stepped outta bed. I wasn't gonna let the sickness change my plans, though. Kicking the outhouse door shut after I exited it, I went for my horse, likely taking his stride too fast for my condition as I aimed for the herd. They were mingling in the dewy grass when I arrived, lazily chewing cuds, with half of their kids chomping on udders, while the other half were congregating in a circle, giving me and Trav an interested eye. All youngsters like to play, and with a little leap from my horse, we were in the center of a race.
White tipped tails flying over their backs, the calves ran in a tight group until the leader decided he didn't wanna be placed second to a man atop of his horse and he put his head down and flew. By that time the rest of the calves that had been slurping had wiped their noses and were ready to join, and the young rapscallion in the lead did a quick switch, aiming for those that were the farthest behind. I twisted Traveler to follow, and like a small sea of brown, the peppy Herefords took the hill like it was nothing but flatland.
A coupla stout moos from the adults told the calves they better behave, but I reckon that command was more aimed at me, and so I peeled outta the crowd and when they realized their head troublemaker had abandoned the game, the babies settled back in around their mothers. The game wound down, my sleeve found my cheek, and it took about as long as removing the sweat from my brow for the adrenaline of fun to wear off and make me aware that I was kinda shaky. It hadn't felt exerting while I was riding with the wind, but it was already taking its toll.
Heading home, I coulda walked faster than the rate I took my mount, well, maybe on a good day. If I'd been on my feet, I reckon I mighta just been dragging my boots through the dirt. After the wild spring, being in the saddle, just the simple rhythm Traveler was taking, continued to jostle my innards to the point where I started to wonder if I was gonna keel over from the pain. Sucking in gasps of air helped very little, but I didn't take a tumble to the ground. Yet by the time I rode up to the house, I was kinda bent over, my hand not the only part of me that was grasping my middle, but my entire arm hugged my waist.
Lowering outta the saddle, I clung to Traveler's mane long enough for me to know I wasn't gonna faint and then I stepped toward the house, but I only took one step before I spun in the opposite direction. I needed water, not for my throat, but for my skin. Making it to the pump, I mustered enough strength to work a small stream of water and splashed it against my cheeks, but I barely felt the drops cascade from my chin. The amount I'd cupped in my palm and raised to my lips I couldn't even swallow, and brought it back out in a spit before I gagged on it. Dad-gum.
Something was happening in my body. I'd tried to ignore it yesterday and into the new day, but the sensation would have nothing to do with my overlooking it, and the nag continued to tap me on the shoulder until I was forced to turn around and face what had finally caught up with me. It wasn't just increasing pain, my getting weaker, or the amount of blood I'd lost during my last trip to the outhouse, but a kinda feeling that resided inside of my gut that was directly connected to both my head and my heart. Twenty-five days ago, Doctor Sweeney told me I was gonna die, and if I was going by his timing, I had only five days left to live. But the way I felt, that number coulda been as low as one.
This was where instinct started to kick in. It woulda been normal for me to search for Slim, seeking the help I needed for my final hours, but just because I was about to die, my character wasn't gonna change so far that I was unrecognizable. I was still the kinda man that desired solitude, with no fanfare or emotional scenes, but because of how my life had played out the last coupla years, I reckon my feelings went a lot deeper than that. My eyes blurring enough that I needed to rub them with my fingers, I started retracing my steps, but hearing the door of the house open and close startled me enough that I took my backward movement too quickly. The earth spun wildly and I collapsed, and the smack against my belly as I hit was almost enough to kill me right there.
"What's wrong, Jess?" Slim asked, putting his hands on both of my arms, but when he tried to pull me to my feet, I jerked away from his grasp.
"It's happening, Slim." The wheezing that I was producing broke up my words, but I couldn't help the air from coming in spasms, for the pain was wracking my body so hard I could hardly take the next breath. "I'm dying. I reckon that rope around my waist the other day was enough to pull me under."
"Let me help you in the house," Slim said, once more placing his hands on my body, but I wrenched them away.
"No," I rasped, looking up into Slim's face, but I when I felt like I'd been stabbed all over again, I sought one that was much higher up. "Oh, God, I can't take it anymore!"
"Jess, if I get you to the house, I can run for Doc Sweeney."
"There ain't nothing he can do." I shook my head, heaving a gasping breath around my handful of shaking words. "There ain't nothing anyone can do."
"You won't let me try?" Slim asked, and I found out there was something else I couldn't stand besides the agonizing pain. Hearing my partner start to break.
"I can't, Slim," I answered, my body quivering uncontrollably.
"Why?" The desperation coulda been one of my own cries, for it came out just as heartrending.
"I ain't gonna let you watch me die!"
"Jess," Slim said with more urgency than I thought was allowed to come outta a man's voice. "What are you saying?"
"I'm riding outta here, Slim," I answered, and Slim's head immediately began to move in a frantic shake. "I'm gonna go off someplace to die."
"Jess, you can't. It's not right."
"I don't mind going alone," I said, somehow finding the strength to stand. It was a good thing that my mount was already saddled and waiting at the hitching post, because I doubted I coulda lifted even a fraction of my gear. "I reckon the way I used to live my life, I coulda easily took my last breath at anytime doing things I shouldn't have been doing and died alone."
"But you don't have to be alone, Jess," Slim answered, starting to reach his hand out to me as I began the slow trek to where Traveler stood. "You're not alone as long as I'm with you."
"I know, and I'm mighty grateful for that, but as someone who's seen a lotta death in his time, I don't want you to suffer the same agony of letting go of someone you love. I don't want your last memory of me to be of torturous sickness and pain."
"Let me make that choice, Jess," Slim said, and when I saw him take that step toward me, I knew if he reached me, I was gonna relent. I couldn't let him come that far, and my feet started to quicken in pace for my horse's side.
"You're the best friend I've ever had, Slim." I'd made it to my horse, and with a grunt that musta come as far down as my toes, I got in the saddle, the reins in my hand were already beginning to move his head toward the road. "And Traveler comes a close second. I reckon when it's all over he'll make his way back home. Take care of him, Pard, and if we both are let through the Pearly Gates, I'll see you on the other side."
"Jess, no!" Slim shouted as he began to run, for the hooves of my mount were starting to pound. "Jess!"
"Goodbye, Slim," I said the word I'd never been able to speak over my shoulder, and then I looked straight ahead of me, unable to give another glance back, for if I had, I mighta died right then and there of a broken heart.
"Jess!"
The calls drifted after me, and I swore I heard them even as night began to close itself around me.