Toni sat on the steps in front of the gas station at the outskirts of town. It was her second day in her new "hometown".
She had walked thirty minutes to get from the trailer park, where her new foster family lived, to where she was currently sitting. She was trying hard to resist the urge to pound her fists against the pavement. Coming home with bloodied knuckles wouldn't make a good impression with her foster family, Toni knew from experience.
She had come to the gas station in hopes of finding a job, after Marty had told her that her mom said she could visit any time she wanted. Which meant that the first thing Toni had to do was getting a job, so she could make money for the bus that would take her back to her best friend.
Toni had worked in several gas stations in Minnesota and had picked up some useful knowledge on cars along the way. She had been trying to avoid getting a waitressing job.
It was around eight o'clock at night now. Most of her previous bosses at gas stations had been in at around that time – doing the books or just manning the counter. No such luck here though.
She looked back at the door and read the weathered piece of paper taped onto the outside again "Closed for good – get your fuel at your fancy new supermarket, fuckers!". While Toni at first appreciated the written cursing of the general population of this town, she realized that this meant she had to apply for a waitressing job and that brought back a flashflood of memories, of customers being rude, of her being rude, of her being kicked out etc. Hence the urge to smash her fist against something hard. The Texan heat didn't help her temper, she realized.
Not yet ready to start her walk back, she sat in the dim evening light, trying to take calming breaths, when a shiny, big pick-up truck pulled up at the side of the road. It was far enough away from her, that she wasn't alarmed that someone had pulled over because of her. Someone probably only stopped to text, she thought.
She then watched with mild interest as a young, blonde woman got out at the passenger side, followed by the young male driver, in a jersey. They seemed to be her age – 'the local teens' –probably still in high school, like Toni.
She understood more and more of what they were saying because the two grew louder, apparently fighting.
"I told you not to talk to me like that" Toni heard the blonde say resolutely.
"I SWEAAR SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU!!" the guy shouted, "EVERYONE DOES IT – DON'T YOU REALIZE THAT?!".
Toni couldn't claim that she usually kept away from trouble, but she didn't make it a habit to stick her nose into the business of strangers. But seeing the blonde flinch at the guys words and seeing him get right up in her face, made her get up from where she was sitting.
"ANSWER ME!" he yelled and the blonde flinched again, looking really small in front him. She answered something Toni couldn't hear. This seemed to placate the guy a little because he pulled her against him.
But hugging it out wasn't the guys intention after all, because he pulled the blonde into a kiss and pressed her against the side of his pick-up.
Toni was about to leave, not wanting to lurk in the shadows while an obviously toxic couple was having makeup sex at the side of the road.
But she heard the blonde say "Stop, Andrew" at first quieter but when he didn't stop kissing at her throat, she sounded more panicked and louder and Toni saw her trying to wiggle out of his grasp.
"STOP Andrew, please!"
Well, even if this wasn't her business, Toni decided to make it her business now.
"HEY! YOU! LET HER GO!" she yelled now quickly approaching the couple.
Both of their heads whipped around to her – the guy letting go of the blonde immediately.
"We're fine. This doesn't concern you" he said to Toni.
"If you think I'm going to let you date rape your girlfriend here, you've miscalculated, pal." Toni said dryly.
This made him step back. "Wha..? No, I wasn't.." he stuttered and looked at the blonde, as if trying to get her to agree but she didn't look at him just stepped around him and moved towards Toni.
If the situation hadn't been this serious, Toni might've laughed at the exasperated look of the guy. He seemed clueless but his face turned angry pretty fast. Toni was already balling her fists, anticipating a fight but the guy just threw open his car door and yelled "WE'RE DONE, SHELBY!" and then muttered "Fucking women." and sped off, letting the engines rev up.
Toni let out a long breath she was holding and looked at the blonde, Shelby, in front of her. She was still looking at where the pick-up had stood just a few seconds ago.
This wasn't the part that Toni was good at. She was good at the dealing with the violent boyfriend part but not at the caring for the now ex-girlfriend part, but she figured she couldn't just leave the girl standing there so she approached her slowly, stopping right next to her.
"You ok?" she asked quietly.
The girl now looked at her with wide eyes but didn't say anything.
"Sorry – stupid question." Toni said "I'm not really good at th.." "Thank you." the blonde interrupted her. Her eyes were sincere.
"I did not know he was such an asshole" she said, an exasperated half-laugh leaving her lips. It was the first time Toni noticed her southern accent.
"Yea, they don't come with a warning label, do they?" Toni answered and the blonde chuckled darkly "No they don't" she said.
Now turning towards Toni, she seemed like she had gotten over the first shock of the situation.
She held her hand out "I'm Shelby". Toni thought it was a little preppy to go for a hand shake but she did take Shelbys hand and said "Toni".
"Toni – I like that name." Shelby said and gave her a bright smile.
Toni smiled back, if a little doubtfully. After a bit she said "You know – it's fine to be upset about this, right? That's definitely not something normal to go through."
Shelbys smile disappeared and she was looking at anything but Toni now "Yea, well – I'm pretty sure every girl in this town has had an experience like that – I'll be fine."
Toni didn't comment on the apparent moral sinkhole that the men of this town must live in. She just nodded slowly and quietly said "ok then."
"I'm more worried about how I'll get back home now. My ride kind of just broke up with me." Shelby said, her voice lighter now.
She turned to Toni again and – Toni had to admit – incredibly charmingly said "I couldn't trouble you for a ride, could I?"
The weirdly charming southern accent and the hopeful and beautifully green eyes of the girl didn't help Toni at keeping her cool. She sounded a little apologetic and scratched the back of her neck, when she said "I don't have a car – sorry".
Shelby looked around and then laughed a little "What in the world are you doing out here, without a car?"
Toni wouldn't admit it but that the girl was extremely pretty and had just had a hard time, was what probably kept her from disliking her for her obviously privileged world view.
"Not everyone has a car" she just simply said, no embarrassment in her voice anymore.
To give her credit, Shelby did seem really sorry when she said "Of course – I'm such an idiot."
There was awkward silence between them now.
"I guess I'm just gonna call my dad." Shelby said a little unsure.
"Good idea" Toni said and nodded a little, as she started walking. She was a few metres away when she turned mid-step and said "Take care, Shelby." and then continued walking along the side of the street.
After a few seconds she heard fast steps behind her and Shelby calling "Hey – Toni – wait up!". When she was next to Toni she smiled brightly and said "Actually, an evening walk sounds lovely".
Toni asked herself for a second when she last heard someone unironically say the word lovely, but she got distracted when Shelby asked "Wanna listen to some music?"
"Sure" Toni said, trying to not sound too confused. Shelby handed her an air pod and when the music started, she smiled brightly at Toni.
--
They ended up talking more that Toni had expected. Mainly about the music they liked and then at some point Shelby realized that Toni was new in town and she immediately told her everything someone could do around there.
Toni had to stop herself from smiling like an idiot at the excitement Shelby had for the small-town activities she was listing. Toni didn't usually like people who were bubbly but on Shelby she found it incredibly charming. Not in minor part due to the fact that it seemed like Shelby was overcompensating a little because she was nervous talking to her.
The trailer park was closer to the gas station than Shelbys house, but Toni ended up walking Shelby all the way home.
Toni had said no to the invitation for a cup of coffee inside the beautiful, suburban home. The slightly disappointed look on Shelbys face made her come up with an excuse of having to be at home soon, which the other respected immediately.
"I guess I'll see you at school, then" Shelby said and for a second it seemed like she was going to lean in and hug Toni when the porch light came on and she took a quick step back, towards the house. She awkwardly waved and Toni nodded and gave Shelby a little smile to say goodbye and then turned around and started walking.
--
Lying on the couch, her sleeping place, Toni couldn't help but smile a little to herself. At best she had just started a flirt with a cute girl, at worst she had made a friend. Either would be fine with her. She had to admit – it was nicer starting off a stay in a new town on a high note, rather than with bloody knuckles.
Chapter 2: Parking lots and parks
Summary:
So this isn't going to stay as fluffy as it started. You can't move to a town with Shelby Goodkind and not figure out pretty fast what she does (Jesus, Family, Pageants etc)
This chapter is still going to be Tonis POV but I'm thinking Shelby will get next chapter
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Toni was almost not dreading her first day at the new high school as much as usually. First days were always hard. She was not kidding herself on that department but the idea of maybe seeing Shelby again added a little edge of excitement into the mix of overall negative emotions.
The first period had started long before Toni was finished with all the paperwork. Which meant it was in the middle of the lesson when she took a deep breath and stepped into the English class room she had barely found.
Immediately when she stepped into the room she saw Shelby. She also recognized, "the ex" Andrew a few rows behind Shelby, surrounded by similarly stupid-looking jocks. She handed over a piece of paper to the teacher and silently said "I'm new" to him. He looked at the paper for a second and then smiled an obligatory smile at her and then with the same enthusiasm said to her "Do you want to say a few words to introduce yourself?". Toni was looking out at the class now, then looked back at him and said a dry "Not really." Someone in the last row chuckled.
The teacher said an exasperated "Oh come on now – this is English. Use it!"
It didn't sound like a suggestion anymore.
Toni saw Shelby smiling at her encouragingly. Toni looked away quickly and then said "I'm Toni. I'm from Minnesota and I play basketball." She said it with as little motivation as she could.
The teacher looked at her for a second, as if to ask if she really didn't want to say anything more but then gave up on it.
"Great. Let's find you a place to sit"
Toni couldn't help her eyes going towards where Shelby was sitting but there weren't any empty seats there. Not that Shelby wasn't looking around looking for one.
Then Tonis eyes were drawn to a girl in the back row, wildly raising her hand and in an overtly dramatic tone saying "Mr Philips, can I have the girl-jock, pleeaase?" She batted her eyelashes dramatically and then added flirtatiously but obviously humorously "I've been through all the others".
The teacher, who was obviously not motivated enough to handle excitable teenagers, just said a slightly warning "Fatin"
"Oh come on – I'll even show her around!" her smile was still a little wicked. Toni couldn't help the small smile that was growing on her face at the girls antics.
And because she didn't want to be standing in front of the class anymore she just made her way to her.
The girl smiled at her happily now.
"I'm Fatin" she said and then pointed next to her "That's Dot" and then in front of her "and that's Leah".
Toni gave them all a little smile and nodded her hello.
The teacher had started speaking again but Leah leaned back a little and then said "You got the worst person to show you around. Fatin has no idea how school works." and from next to Fatin Dot chimed in "All she knows are the best make out spots". At that Toni chuckled a little. The sound must have drawn attention because she could see Shelby looking back at her but before she could make real eye contact Shelby had turned around again.
Toni spent the rest of the lesson trying to listen to the teacher, looking in Shelbys direction or silently laughing at the weird comedy show that were Fatin and Dot.
When the bell rang she was out of her seat really fast, and was about to make her way to where Shelby was gathering her things, when Fatin tapped her on her shoulder.
"I am still going to show you around. No worries – there will be no making-out required." she said earnestly. Toni smiled a little at her.
"Cool" is all she said but when she turned around again, Shelby was gone. She was a little disappointed but figured she would see her in some other period again.
This is how she ended up walking down the hall with Fatin, Dot and Leah. The looks people were sending their way were a little weird but Toni didn't really mind. She wouldn't have figured that open people like those three girls would be the odd ones out at school but she was absolutely fine with not being part of the popular kids club. In fact she would probably do everything to avoid that.
When she walked past Andrew he shot her a look that told her he hadn't forgotten about her. Leah had noticed it as well and looked at Toni with a questioning look. Toni just shrugged and listened to Fatin recount an especially scandalous encounter with an international student last year in the janitors closet they just passed by.
--
Toni was happy to see that in almost every period Fatin, Leah or Dot were with her. Shelby wasn't in any she noted. She had resigned herself to just having to wait for the next English lesson to talk to Shelby, when the speakers of the school crackled and a familiar voice, with a still charming accent was announcing that the year book pictures were being taken tomorrow and that everyone was highly encouraged to come in appropriate attire.
Toni wondered a little what appropriate attire was when she heard Fatin scoff.
"I'm gonna come in the lowest cut shirt that I own – see-through even! Just to get on little miss perfects nerves" Fatin said her eyes flashing amusedly.
"Oh come on!" Dot said from next to her "You really want to do a repeat of last year? All that got you was detention and into trouble with your parents. It's not worth it - just skip with me."
"Even though that is a very nice offer, you underestimate my grit, Dorothy"
"What do you have against Shelby?" Toni asked quietly but genuinely curious.
"Oh, let me think. General close-mindedness, way too happy all the time, horrible taste in boyfriends – it's almost offensive to womankind to be honest.." Fatin started listing. Leah interrupted her though and explained "Dot and Shelby used to be friends in middle school but some stuff happened and Shelby kind of broke off the friendship. Fatin takes it personally."
Again, Toni wasn't one to mind other peoples business but the question what happened burned on her tongue but when she looked Dots way she could see that she had a gloomy look on her face, she didn't ask.
"She's a bitch, is all" Fatin effectively ended the conversation.
If Toni didn't have this fiercely loyal streak she probably wouldn't have said anything but she kind of felt like she owed it to the girl she had spent an impromptu hour-long walk with yesterday.
"I met her yesterday. I thought she was actually kinda nice." she said it quietly - definitely not trying to start something with these girls, since they had been nothing but nice to her.
Fatin looked at Dot for a second then shrugged "You'll find out soon enough."
Toni was glad they didn't want to have a discussion about this. She, realistically, didn't know Shelby very well. Actually she knew her even less than the girls she had spent her first day with and she didn't want risk her standing with them.
It only took around 2 minutes until Fatin smiled at her again and Toni was pulled back into the warmth that surrounded the girl. She was really glad.
--
They were walking out of school towards the parking lot. Toni didn't actually need to go there but decided to accompany her new friends. Leah was first to split off from the group and got into a car with a nerdy looking guy that Toni recognized from the History lesson.
Dot pointed out an old but well-kept pick-up as her own "Was my Dads" she said and Toni understood the implications that the past tense held.
Toni whistled "Chevy C10 – and it's in good shape" she said appreciatively and Dot nodded proudly. They started talking a little about the restorations that Dot had done and it even came up that her dad had just recently passed away.
"Do you need a ride?" Dot asked after a while and even though Toni wasn't necessarily big on receiving favors it seemed more like Dot wanted to show her the car in action.
"Actually, yes. If you don't mind." she said.
Fatin finally looked up from her phone "I swear I haven't heard you talk that much all day, even though I'm excellent company – work on that, Shalifoe. Just no car talk, yes?"
Toni was about to reply when she saw a group of guys approaching and she recognized Andrew immediately.
"Fuck" she murmured and Fatin and Dot turned to see the guys approaching too.
"Has anyone ever taught you to mind your own business, fucking dyke?" Andrew asked, while sauntering towards her.
In the corner of her eye, Toni could see Fatins eyebrows shoot upwards.
Simultaniously Toni could feel her hands balling into fists on instinct. She had hoped this wasn't going to pose a problem. She was actually hoping he would be too embarrassed to start something but of course he wasn't.
Toni pulled herself up a little – still obviously smaller than Andrew who had stopped just a few inches in front of her. Next to her she could feel Fatin and Dot move closer to her and she spared half a thought to how cool it was that she had just met them today and they didn't leave her hanging when trouble came round.
"Get out of my face" Toni said through gritted teeth.
"Or what?" came from some guy behind Andrew.
"Or I'm going to kick your ass" she just stated.
In the corner of her eye she could see one of the jocks getting closer to Fatin and even Andrews attention was shortly drawn there when his buddy started making kissing noises at Fatin.
"Oh come on baby. We could have really pretty children together" he said and stepped forward.
"Don't.touch.me!" Fatin pronounced every word seperately. Toni didn't see any fear in her eyes – just defiance!
When the guy stepped forward again and raised his hand to touch Fatins shoulder, Toni lost it.
She hurled herself at the guy – toppling him over and getting up before he even realized what had happened. Andrew was now charging towards her and she ducked as he threw the first punch. He was just getting ready for another swing, when Toni saw a streak of blonde hair appear in the corner of her eye.
Then Shelby was in front of her. All her good-girl squad closeby, looking really shocked.
"What are you going to do, Andrew, huh? Are you actually going to harm someone that has done nothing to you except kept you from doing something unforgivable?!"
Andrew looked around – half the school was watching. He was obviously not keen on Shelby going into detail on what she meant. So he just held up his hands in surrender "Whatever" he said and walked away, his friends following him.
The crowd was dispersing now that the drama was over.
Shelby was staring at Toni now, looking her up and down as if to look whether she was hurt. Toni felt herself blush a little under the intense scrutiny.
"Are you ok?" Shelby then asked, voice so sincerely and sweet, Toni couldn't even make a stupid comment about how Shelby had bad taste in men. She just nodded.
Dot cleared her throat loudly "You still want that ride, Toni?"
"I'll take her home, if yall don't mind." Shelby said, fake friendliness giving her voice a higher pitch than usual. Then sincere again she added "I still owe her" more into Tonis direction.
"Sure" Dot said and waved half-heartedly towards Toni. Fatin followed suit and got into the truck with Dot. She said "See you tomorrow, handsome" and winked at Toni through the open window. Toni smiled a little and nodded her goodbye.
Shelby motioned for Toni to follow her to her car. Some cute looking, new Honda.
--
The first few minutes in the car were kind of awkward – neither of them knowing what to say.
"I was looking for you today." Shelby eventually said, almost sounding like she admitted to something "but I had to prepare so much for the yearbook that I ended up not seeing you at all apart from English"
Toni smiled a little at Shelby across the console and she wasn't sure if it was the light or if Shelby was sporting a faint blush.
"Tomorrow will be better though. We can hang out." Shelby added after a while.
"I'd like that" Toni said quietly.
After a while of just going into the general direction of town Shelby asked "So where do I take you, Toni? Where do yall live?"
Toni assumed "yall" meant her and her family. She hadn't mentioned that she moved to a new foster home – just that she had moved. A mistake she wanted to remedy as soon as possible, because if people were going to drop her for being in the system and poor, she wanted to know as soon as possible. Even though she couldn't really imagine Shelby doing that.
"You know the trailer park next to the closed down bowling alley?"
Shelbys eyes snapped from where they had been on the road towards her.
'So she doesn't have many poor friends' Toni thought but decided to plough on "My new foster family lives there."
Now Shelby just stared. If she had any longer, Toni would've worried about staying on the road, but Shelby pulled herself together fast enough to snap her mouth that had fallen open shut and then just said "Yea, I know where that is".
Toni smiled a little to herself. Shelby obviously was trying to not sound freaked out – that alone made her better than most people Toni met.
Toni decided to push her luck "I'm actually not that keen on going back there. Do you want to grab some Takis and look for some shade and just chill for a bit?" It came out as rushed.
Shelbys eyes seemed to light up and she immediately agreed "Sure!" and then sheepishly added "I've never had Takis actually."
At that Tonis head had whipped around and she stared at Shelby, who just laughed a little. "You're NOT serious!"
--
They had ended up getting some other stuff to eat as well, which Toni insisted she would pay for. She still had some money from her last paycheck in Minnesota and she was more than willing to spend it on making sure, she didn't become this weirdly charming, rich girls charity case.
They had spent the entire afternoon together under a few trees in the little park close to the town center. Shelby had insisted at some point that they should do their homework, so Toni indulged her but not without calling her lame for it.
Other than that they didn't talk about school or the people there or Andrew or anything other arbitrary in their lives.
It was all talks of music preferences and where they would like to travel if they could and what their childhood dream jobs were.
When Toni caught Shelby staring at her, while they were supposed to do their homework, she couldn't help but blush a little "What?" she asked.
"I.." Shelby broke off shortly and took a deep breath "I've never talked to anyone like that." when Toni just looked at her questioningly, she added "Just about myself, you know? It's all about church and pageants and boyfriends around here"
Toni was just about to snort, when Shelby quickly added as if to reassure Toni "Don't get me wrong I love all that stuff. But it's not all there is on my mind you know?"
Toni stared at her blankly – she definitely didn't know. None of these things occupied even an inch of her thoughts. Even though there was a lot of information to unpack there and Toni felt an unsettling pit open in her stomach as she heard Fatins words from this morning echo in her ear, she tried to not freak out immediately. Shelby hadn't freaked out when she found out that Toni was a poor foster kid, maybe it was time to repay the favor.
The next 15 minutes in Tonis head weren't spent reading the history work book but relativizing what she had just heard. Marthas mother was a religious woman and she was really open minded. Didn't pageant have segments about current politics? And Miss Undercover had taught Toni that the typical pretty girls weren't all that shallow anyways. Who would have thought her crush on Sandra Bullock would at some point pay off in real life, Toni mused.
--
It was getting late and Toni had offered to walk home but Shelby had insisted on driving her.
"I'm just not ready to let you go yet" Shelby had said. She had said it so freely and without hesitance that Toni was sure it was meant platonically but she couldn't help blushing either way.
They weren't far away from the trailer park when Shelby suddenly pulled over at the side of the road and Toni shot her a questioning look.
"Listen, Toni." Shelby started and Toni knew she was about to say something that she wasn't sure how Toni would react to. For a second Toni thought she was going to ask her out.
"I wasn't sure if I should say anything but I think you're really nice and you're new so I think I have to" she took a deep breath "The company you're keeping at school is really not the best."
THAT was definitely not what Toni thought Shelby would say.
"I know they seem real nice and all, but their values are questionable to say the least"
Toni was glad Shelby had pulled over so she could look at her earnestly, to tell if she was joking or not.
She was at a loss for words, opening her mouth and then closing it again.
"Actually as far as I can tell they are pretty great" Toni finally said.
"I just know that Jesus would really not keep that kind of company. You know WWJD? What would Jesus do?" she almost sounded hopeful. Toni barked out a laugh at first – kind of a reflex.
Then she just stared at Shelby trying to figure her out. She looked a little pained but not like she was joking at all. "You're being serious."
"Of course, I don't joke about the Lord."
Toni kept staring at her. It kind of made sense now why Dot, Fatin and Leah didn't like Shelby. She finally saw the cross hanging from the rearview mirror of the car and then she noticed the cross on Shelbys necklace and remembered the church bumper sticker.
"Shelby – I don't do religion."
At that Shelby laughed, almost scandalized "Oh come on – I get it, not everyone lives it as passionately as my folks but gods kind of universal."
Toni was pretty sure that religion was the single most ununiversal thing there was. Her pulse had started hammering the second Shelby had started this talk and she could feel her face getting hot and her neck tensing.
She said "Let me rephrase – I don't mess with gods that would have me burn in hell for being gay."
Shelbys shocked look was all Toni needed to see and she bolted from the car.
She took a few deep breaths as she walked fast to get away from the car. She could not believe it! How stupid was she? She thought Shelby might have liked her and it turned out she was a bigot? What the actual fuckkk?
Notes:
Don't worry I won't spend incredibly amounts of time on them hating eachother – I don't need that kind of negativity in my life.
Chapter 3: Christmas
Summary:
There's going to be a bit of time jump here. It'll be apparent when you read it though.
Shelbys POV this time!
I don't know how this turned into a Christmas thing but yes! - Christmas time at our favorite (least favorite) texan household.
Chapter Text
Day 1 after the confrontation
Shelby hadn't been able to sleep. She desperately tried to tell herself that she had cried into her pillow because she was sad for Tonis eternal soul but deep inside she knew it was the rejection that had stung.
Shelby knew she shouldn't feel rejected. It was her own religion that rejected Tonis sexual orientation. She knew that her parents would say that she dodged a bullet, that she should be happy about the faithful friends she had, that she should focus on other things than making new friends. The gut feeling of loss still was there though. She had only stopped crying when she got to that little part of herself, buried deeply, the really small part of herself that was glad that she had pushed Toni away and the implications of that.
If there was one thing Shelby Goodkind was good at, it was holding her head up high and performing even during the direst situations of heartbreak. Which is how she managed to walk by Toni and Dot in the hallway before first period without sparing either of them a glance.
She did catch Toni looking at her while she was at her locker. She wore an unreadable and for a second Shelby thought she saw something like hurt flash across Tonis face.
Shelby had to take a deep breath and say a quick prayer for strength to be able to tear her eyes away from Tonis.
By the time lunch came around Toni must've told Fatin, Dot and Leah because when she walked into English Fatin said in an volume that it was clearly meant to be heard by Shelby "You'll get over it, Toni." and then pointedly looked at Shelby.
Shelby just turned around but she did hear a hushed "Leave it, Fatin" from Toni.
--
But if Shelby thought that Toni would stay being above their falling out, she was wrong.
The next three month were a constant battle between the two. Any time there was a group discussion in class or a decision had to be made Toni would oppose her. Any time Shelby thought she could get on Tonis good side again by doing something nice, Toni just pushed her away even further, even more spiteful, until Shelby pretty much gave up trying.
Toni also got into it with some of Shelbys friends during other lessons and there were several problematic situations with Andrew and his crew. With every run in Toni seemed to just hate her more and more.
--
The 24th of December - Christmas
Shelby loved Christmas. She loved actually spending time with her family in a chill way. Every year they spent Thanksgiving volunteering at a foodbank and a lot of December for some other good cause but Christmas Day was just theirs.
She would usually go to the grocery store with her mom to pick up some last minute items in the morning but really they did it just so they could get an excessively sugary christmas-themed coffee drink from the Starbucks next to grocery store and drink it in the car. It was their little secret which is why Shelby loved it so much – a one-parent approved secret. A tiny rebellion in a house usually entirely controlled by her father.
They were lining up to pay for the few random items, when Shelby spotted a familiar head walking past in the empty checkout lane next to theirs.
Shelby thought about just going back into the store, just to not have Toni see her but Toni didn't notice her anyways. The cashier – a middle aged woman registered Toni walking by and called a "Merry Christmas, Toni!"
In much too smooth fashion Toni turned while walking and shot a wink and a grin at the cashier "And a Merry Christmas to you too, Pat". She looked way to cool doing that, considering she was wearing a grocery shop employee polo.
Shelby just stared after Toni until she was all the way out of the store. She hadn't known that Toni worked there. For a second she had the urge to go after Toni, to wish her a Merry Christmas but that thought was definitely insane. She shook her head a little bit to clear it. Toni hated her and for all intends and purposes Shelby didn't want Toni to feel any other way about her.
"Is she a girl from your school?" her mom asked and Shelby snapped her head around to her mom. Had she seen her staring at Toni? But her mom didn't look especially inquisitive probably just curious. Shelby nodded.
"Such a Strong girl to be working at Christmas" her Mom said and Shelby couldn't do anything but agree with her.
After they paid, they finally went to the Starbucks next door.
Shelby was hoping a sugar-high would get her out of the funk that unexpectedly seeing Toni had put her in. There were a few people standing in line to get a coffee to take away. The seats were empty except for one, where a jacket hung on the chair. Shelby did a double take but she had recognized who the jacket belonged to the first time around anyways. It was Tonis.
Just then at the front of the line Toni stepped out with her coffee in a mug and made her way to the table. She sat down and then smelled the coffee as her eyes fluttered closed. It would have been a quite adorable display of savoring the small things, if Shelby didn't feel like such a stalker staring at Toni yet again while not being noticed herself. Also she shouldn't really be thinking of Toni as adorable. That girl had given her nothing but grief since she came into her life. Shelby couldn't help huffing a little when she had to admit to herself that that girl had actually helped her a lot the first time they met. Her huffing apparently drew the attention of her mom who now did catch her staring at Toni.
"Do you want to ask her if she needs a ride home? I'm sure her parents would like for her to be at home as soon as possible on Christmas"
Now Shelby stared at her mom, obviously confused.
"Not everyone has a car" her mom clarified and Shelby COULD NOT believe that her mom had just said the same thing as Toni did all those month ago ,when they first met at the gas station.
"She probably has one – almost everyone at school does, Mom" Shelby lied. She really did not want to have to offer Toni a ride. Just imagining the horrified look on Tonis face made her sweat.
"I don't think she does. I have seen her walking home after her shift at the store before."
Shelby really had to put a lot of mental energy into not cursing her moms attention to detail in her thoughts. That woman could smell a charity case from 5 miles away against the wind.
"Mom, I'm sure Toni will get home fine." Shelby said quietly. She did not want Toni overhearing her saying her name.
"Shelby Goodkind, we raised you better than that. It's Christmas Day! Some neighborly love is in order! And your Dad will be mighty proud."
Shelby wasn't one for sarcasm or irony – she usually thought it was proof of weak mind but at that she really would've loved to say something along the lines of 'Dad would have something against her kind of neighborly love'.
Shelbys brain worked overtime trying to get out of this situation when it was thankfully their turn to order. Shelby was ordering when her mom handed her her credit card from her purse. Shelby looked confused at first but then watched in absolute horror as her mom walked over to Toni and cleared her throat.
Toni looked a little confused at the interruption from the book she was reading but closed it and looked at Shelbys mom.
Shelby heard her mom say "Hey there, darling! I'm Kaitlyn Goodkind – you go to school with my daughter Shelby." Her mom motioned lightly towards where Shelby was standing and Tonis shocked and confused eyes met Shelbys. Shelby was not able to keep her facial expressions in check, so she assumed her face spoke of the pure horror she felt at that moment.
"I was just wondering if we could give you a ride home – it's Christmas after all and we just saw you getting off work." Toni was now looking back and forth between Shelbys mom and Shelby, obviously at a loss of what she should say.
Toni said something like "No need" but Shelby knew that she was fighting a loosing battle.
"Oh nonsense – it would be our pleasure, right honey?" her mom was now looking at her.
"Mom, I'm sure Toni has a plan on how to get home." she pleaded with her mom now stepping towards them.
"Oh come on. I'm sure your family wants you home ASAP!" Shelbys mom beamed at Toni. Shelby could see something in Toni shift. She had seen Toni get into hostile-mode so often during the past few month she could see it coming from miles away.
"Actually my Mom is in rehab" Toni said, defiance in her voice "and my foster parents couldn't care less about what I do. So no thank you!" she got a little louder in the end, obviously trusting that her social status and rude tone would make Shelbys mom reconsider.
Shelby could see her mom taking a big breath but instead of berating Toni on her tone, as Shelby had expected too, she took a step towards Toni and said "Oh honey, I'm so sorry. This must be such a hard time for you then. You know what – where I come from no one is alone on Christmas! We have more than enough food for one more! Please join us! We'd love that, right Shelby?"
Shelby wasn't sure if she was just having an outer body experience but she could NOT believe that this wasn't a scene specifically made up by the universe to punish her.
Toni just said "No thank you."
"Oh nonsense. Really it's no biggie!" her mom laughed happily.
"I really don't want to" Toni said, calmer than Shelby would have thought possible in such a situation.
"Now now! I won't take no for an answer – you're really not troubling us at all, dear!"
Toni then found Shelbys eyes and looked at her utterly helpless. Shelby sprang into action and opened her mouth but didn't know what she should say. As she opened and closed her mouth repeatedly, her mom had already taken Tonis jacket and started walking towards the exit "Come on, girls!"
Toni just stood there, shell shocked, looking after Shelbys mom and so did Shelby.
"She just took my jacket" Toni said, it sounded almost reverently in shock.
Shelby then looked at Toni and shrugged helplessly "I don't think I can get her to reconsider."
"I'm not going!" Toni said as she shook her head vehemently. Then she added "I'll just tell her I'm gay and it'll be off the table, she can even keep the jacket if she wants." She started walking towards the exit but Shelby sprang into action and reached for her arm to get her to stop.
"Don't! Please!" Shelby shouted a little, real fear in her eyes. Shelby could see Toni getting angrier and angrier as the seconds ticked by.
"If you tell her, she'll tell my Dad and my Dad will see it as proof that school is a breeding-ground for amoral behavior and they'll take me out and homeschool me!" Shelby explained, panic rising in her chest at the very real scenario she had just described.
"Why the fuck should I care?" Toni spat out.
"I have younger siblings" Shelby added quickly "they won't be allowed to go to public high school at all! All they'll know is home schooling! Please don't do this!" Shelby looked at Toni with much sincerity as she could, her eyes begging her.
Toni seemed a little shocked at how intense Shelby had gotten. Then she looked away for a second, closed her eyes and shook her head as if to clear her mind. When she looked back at Shelby she had a sober expression on her face and then slowly nodded.
Shelby let out the breath she had been holding "Thank you, you don't know wha.."
"To make this entirely clear" Toni started, voice calm but with an edge "I'm doing this because I know what it's like to need every opportunity to get out of a toxic home. Who knows if your siblings will be as good as you with the bigot thing."
Then she swiveled on the spot and marched after Shelbys mom.
Chapter 4: Christmas 2
Summary:
This is the first chapter of two about Toni at the Goodkinds for Christmas. Can you imagine?!
This is Shelbys POV then Tonis POV again and in the end it switches around a bit.
Chapter Text
When Shelby first got into the car, next to Toni in the back seat, her breathing was shallow, her mind racing with a LOT of ways this could go wrong. She could feel sweat forming on her forehead. Her neck was tensing and too little air was making its way into her lungs. And she realized she was probably at the start of having a panic attack.
She then saw in the corner of her eye that Toni was leaning forward a little bit, looking at her.
When she met it, Tonis look was confused but also worried, not harsh like before.
As if suddenly understanding what was going on Toni kept her eyes locked on Shelbys as she motioned for her to deeply breathe in and then slowly breathe out. Taking a few of those breaths with her. Shelby did and after a few she felt like she was getting air back into her lungs. Toni had remained looking at her for a bit, as if to make sure that she was getting better.
After that Toni didn't look at her again, instead very interested in what flew by outside the window.
Her mom was chatting happily in the front, every now and again asking a question that she then proceeded to answer herself, clueless of what was happening silently behind her.
When they pulled into their driveway Shelby had calmed down a little bit.
--
When Toni got out of the car she took a deep breath. She hadn't seen that house again after that first time meeting Shelby. Now with Christmas lights all around it seemed even brighter and bigger than before.
"Could you guys put the Sodas and the cans away? I'm just gonna go and quickly talk with your daddy" Shelbys mom said.
Toni followed Shelbys lead and grabbed a few bags with cans in it. She saw Shelbys surprised look on her face and she felt a little blush of embarrassment on her cheeks because she hadn't put up a fight and just did what she was told to. Honestly, Toni was just too confused and overwhelmed with the craziness of the current situation to put up her usual spite.
She meant what she had said to Shelby. The only thing that had kept Toni from jumping out of the moving car was the thought of a little boy who would rather wear his moms stilettos than his dads ties and how absolutely lost that hypothetical child would be if all he ever knew was what was taught in that house.
She followed Shelby who made a beeline to the garage door and Toni wondered if Shelbys mom hadn't immediately asked her to come in because she had to clear it with her husband first.
They were inside the garage now, stacking cans into shelves, when Toni couldn't keep her thoughts to herself anymore "Kinda feel like a stray here. Gotta check the house for things it could chew on before you let it in from the garage". She hated how bitter it sounded but she mainly said it to see Shelby flinch at the brutality of her words.
"That's not at all.." Shelby huffed frustrated with her own words then continued "My Dad he just likes to know what's going on. He's just.." she paused shortly, and Toni supplied a dry "controlling?" "protective." is what Shelby then said.
Toni nodded and looked around the garage. She had lived in dirtier rooms and houses that were smaller than this garage. But she couldn't help letting out a low whistle when her eyes fell on the 1980 Ford Mustang that was parked there.
"Sick car - could use a bit of a polish though." she said as she walked over to it to take a closer look.
Shelby turned around, now also looking at the car "My dad got it to build up with my brother once he's old enough."
"I'm guessing he didn't do that with you and your brand new Honda Jazz?" Toni said, eyebrows raised.
At that Shelby looked away a little "My dad's kind of into a more traditional view of male and female interests."
Toni wasn't at all surprised but an uncomfortable feeling of pity settled inside her when she imagined growing up in a relatively stable family but her brother getting to work on the cars but her having to do pageants. She shook her head though – Shelby didn't really seem like she minded at all.
She could feel Shelby mustering up courage to say something next to her, her nervous energy really affecting Tonis own heartbeat.
"Listen, Toni. Christmas is a really religious thing in this house and my dads a preacher, so he likes to talk a lot." Toni was listening intently now. What was Shelby preparing her for?
Shelby continued "He'll probably bring up values and morals and the state of the world a LOT. Especially if someone new is at the table.. Umm.. and what he says might sound harsh." she then added quickly "He doesn't mean bad – I swear!" and she added, her forehead creasing trying so hard to find the right words "But sometimes the way he says it – even I think it's.. uncalled for".
Toni really looked at Shelby now. She was fidgeting with her jacket, her eyes looking anywhere but in Tonis direction, a miserable look on her face.
Toni let out a deep breath and then said calmly what she was really thinking "You're not your dad, just like I'm not mine – I get it, Shelby"
She heard Shelby let out a shaky breath and then she was giving her a small smile but looked away really quickly again. "Not like you needed another reason to think I'm an asshole, right?"
Toni let out an appreciative whistle "You say your prayers with that mouth?" and mirth was sparkling in her eyes when Shelby looked at her and let out an exasperated laugh.
Just in that moment a little girl opened the door that connected the house to the garage.
"Shelby, Mommy said to introduce your friend to Daddy" the little girl looked curiously at Toni and then settled on her grocery-shop-polo. "Why do you wear that? It's not Halloween – it's Christmas!" Suddenly Toni felt just how out of place she was in this house. That little girl had never seen someone unironically wear a work uniform!
"I work at the grocery store – that's why I wear it." she said, putting her hands on her knees and bending down a little to talk to the little girl on her eye level.
"Oh my god! I LOVE THE GROCERY STORE! Do you get to eat all the candy?" she yelled and then, without waiting for an answer, ran into the house yelling "MOMMY, I WANT TO WORK AT THE GROCERY STORE WHEN I GROW UP!"
Toni laughed a little. The classicist implications of that statement went over the girls head and it was pretty damn cute.
"That's Lucy" Shelby said with a fond smile on her face and then motioned for Toni to follow her into the house.
When she followed Shelby into the living room she saw a tall and beautiful Christmas tree and a boy, who was probably in grade 2 or 3 staring up at it.
"Shelby look! Daddy and I put up the tree while you were at the grocery store!"
"Looks great, Mikey" Shelby said distractedly, looking around the room and towards the door that led to the kitchen, waiting for her father, Toni assumed.
A man with a bright smile came in, reaching out to offer Toni his hand.
"Howdy there! Great to meet you! I'm Thomas Goodkind! Welcome to our home!" his smile was bright, his teeth blinding but Toni could feel him mustering her up and down with sharp, almost suspicious eyes. Suddenly she was quite glad she was in her uniform and not her own clothes. Her baggy jeans and flannels would have raised several warning signals in the guys head, she assumed.
Toni took his hand and Shelby said "Daddy, this is Toni Shalifoe. She's new in town."
He nodded "Yea, I heard about your situation. Leave it to my wife to find a way to live the Christian spirit on the most holy day of all, huh?" he leaned forward conspiratorially and then patted Toni on the shoulder.
"We'll talk more later" he said as he made his way over to the little boy and then said "the men of the house have to make sure this tree is shining brightly by dinnertime, or we'll be in trouble with the Misses". He laughed a little at his own joke, Toni and Shelby awkwardly left standing in the middle of the room.
"How about you gals help your mother with dinner, Shelby." her father said and even though phrased as a suggestion, Toni knew for sure there wasn't room for discussion on the division of labor.
Toni wasn't sure what kind of dinner required starting to cook before lunch time but she just followed Shelby, musing a little about how FUCKING strange this all was. She played with the thought of just asking where the bathroom was and then fleeing and never coming back but she assumed the Christian values of the parents wouldn't allow them to just let Toni go. They would probably look for her and since she was on foot, they would probably find her. Also for some unimaginable reason Toni didn't want to make that kind of trouble for Shelby.
They spent the next few hours in the kitchen, cutting vegetables, mixing pie filling, marinating a whole turkey, making lemonade from scratch. Shelbys mom had taken it upon herself to show Toni the wonders of cooking, explaining exactly how to cut the vegetables for which dish, how to put in the pie filling so that it won't crack etc etc
Toni got the feeling she was getting a crash course in what this woman thought were essential housewife skills. Every now and again Toni caught Shelby smiling while just silently doing the work. On other occasions when her mom said something along the lines of how incredibly fun the work as a traditional housewife was, Shelby looked miserable. Toni also got the feeling that she was just waiting for her to explode. It became a fun little game for Toni to just keep staying cool. She had heard adults talk shit so often, it went into one ear and out of the other. Half of her foster parents thought they needed to give their kids a crash course in life, mostly while being drunk – the usual message being that life was shit and unfair.
Toni secretly wished she had this kind of cool all the time but a lot of things triggered an uncontrollable anger within her – right now she was just glad that hearing overprivileged adults preach wasn't one of them.
When everything was done Shelbys mom suggested for them to go and freshen up and put on something appropriate for this holy day.
--
Toni was currently looking at herself in the mirror of Shelbys on-suit bathroom. She had just stepped out of the shower and the mirror was lightly fogged up. When it cleared she stared at her own face more intently. She noticed the dark circles under tired eyes and a faint scar on her chin from a particularly nice encounter with a previous foster parent.
In the corner, where her work clothes lay rumpled on the floor her phone vibrated. She knew Martha was trying to reach her. Martha would never let her spend Christmas completely alone – even if all she could do was call. But Toni couldn't get herself to look at the messages, missing her best friend so fucking much and feeling so fucking alone. She leaned on the sink in front of the mirror, her knuckles growing white under the pressure of holding on so hard. She was breathing hard and tears of anger started building. Somewhere in her brain a sarcastic voice whispered 'Of course this zen thing wouldn't last long'. She started angrily wiping at the tear that unwillingly streamed down her face.
She wasn't sure what eventually tipped her over the edge – what finally pushed her into the angry-crying stage from 0 to 100.
Maybe it was that all the niceties, even if just out of christian obligation, would never have happened if these people knew who she really was. Maybe it was that Shelby fucking Goodkinds room looked EXACTLY how you would imagine – all tidy, soft colors, little trinkets of her personality strewn around. Maybe it was this huge house or that any of the ugly angel statues strewn around it would easily pay for Tonis bus ride to see Martha on Christmas. Maybe it was that Shelby, with all the secrecy and pretense surrounding Toni being here, felt like her only ally in this house. Maybe it was that Toni saw Shelbys honesty in her smiles and heard the real laughter at the dumb jokes that Toni was making with her little sister and STILL Shelby had rejected her so easily all those month ago. Maybe it was that Toni felt the same thing shift and flutter, when hearing Shelby laugh, as she felt during those first two days.
Toni knew she needed to move, she needed to get out of here, consequences for her or for Shelby and her fucking family be damned. She pulled on her own clothes, not even looking at the clean pullover Shelbys mom had given her to wear for dinner.
She threw open the door and could see Shelby who was sitting on her bed jump. Good!
Shelbys eyes widened when she saw Toni.
"I hate you" Toni spat out, meaning it even more when she felt the angry tears streaming down her face. "you and your fucking family with your fucking values that do nothing but hurt people!"
Toni had gotten so loud that Shelbys shocked eyes went towards the door for a second, obviously scared someone would overhear her. That did nothing but enrage Toni more. She regretted not smashing the fucking bathroom mirror when she had the urge earlier, maybe she would've been able to control herself better now.
Shelby took a step towards her, her eyes so confused and so fucking beautiful Toni just turned on the spot and started towards the door but, now for the second time that day, Shelby caught her. She physically turned Toni around her hands on Tonis shoulders now.
"Wha.. What happened, Toni? You were fine 10 minutes ago." Shelby said, ignoring the insults, ignoring the clenched fists at Tonis side, ignoring the primal alarm in the back of her head that cornering someone in pain might lead them to lash out. Shelby could feel Tonis whole frame shaking underneath her hands and she just had to know.
"Look at me" Shelby said again so softly, her hands still on Tonis shoulders, the southern accent strong and Toni had no other choice but to look at her.
"What's going on, Toni?" she asked again and Toni saw so much sincerity in her eyes. It compelled her to answer sincerely as well.
Her voice was shaking when she quietly said "I can't do this. ALL of this hurts" she shivered now. "I can't look at your mom without thinking of mine and I can't look at you because you'll just look at me like… like that" she gestured toward Shelbys current face "like somehow you get it, even if you could never!" there were tears streaming down Tonis face now, the dam fully being broken "and I HATE that I want to look at you because you don't deserve that! You were so ready to propel me to hell the moment you found out who I was. You.." Toni couldn't finish her sentence because Shelbys lips were on hers suddenly. She almost stumbled back at the abrupt shift but steady hands held her upright.
Chapter 5: Christmas 3
Summary:
This is the last part on Christmas Eve. I hope you'll like it.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Shelby felt Toni returning the kiss and everything clicked into place. She could taste the salty tears on Tonis lips and pulled her even closer. She needed this to communicate all of the things she couldn't say. She needed it to answer all the questions and destroy all the doubts that Toni had. She needed for Toni to stop crying because of her. She couldn't let beautiful, stubborn, strong, vulnerable Toni think that she rejected her, couldn't for a second let her think that she wasn't worthy. And she couldn't have stopped herself even if she tried.
The noise of light feet running up the stairs – probably Lucy – was what pulled her out of this incredibly brave and stupid trance.
She let go of Toni.
"Fuck" Shelby breathed, staring wide-eyed at Toni. Toni just stared back, looking from Shelbys eyes to her lips, then back to her eyes again.
'It happened again' was what Shelby thought then. She had sworn herself that it wouldn't ever happen again, that her love for her family was what will give her the strength not to act on these feelings – ever.
She could feel herself panicking slightly but when she looked back at Toni she still looked so vulnerable, her frame somehow smaller than usual, her larger-than-life attitude entirely gone, tear tracks visible on her face. Toni was still breathing hard - from the kiss? or from the crying?
Even though her first instinct was to pull back, to push Toni away, Shelby knew she can't. Not while Toni was looking at her like that. She never wanted to be this strong for anyone in her life ever. But she also felt dizzy, her heart beating way too fast, her fathers preaching ringing in her ears.
So she took Tonis hand and tugged her down to the floor in front of her bed. Shelby had to sit but she also had to keep Toni here with her, those was pretty much the only things she knew for sure right now.
"You don't hate me" Toni whispered after a few seconds, staring at her and something inside of Shelby broke at the stunned tone of Tonis voice and for a second all she could see was Toni again, the war of thoughts pushed to the back of her head.
"No, I don't" Shelby said quietly and then laughter bubbled up in her chest. She definitely did not hate Toni Shalifoe, never had, never will. And then she heard Tonis breathy laughter next to her and couldn't help but let her head fall to Tonis shoulder, laughing. It would have been quite a sight for anyone who would walk in – both of them crying and laughing at the same time.
Minutes passed with them sitting on the floor, shoulders touching, regaining some sort of balance.
After a while Shelby said "I don't know how to go down there." and Toni thought it was probably the most honest thing Shelby could have said, so she just nodded.
"Do you want me to leave?" Toni asked tentatively.
Shelby just shook her head, and then pulled her knees towards herself, laying her head on top of her knees, looking at Toni.
"I'm sorry this is hard for you." she said and Toni huffed out a small laugh and answered "It was pretty hard up until 5 minutes ago"
"I meant about your mom" Shelby said. She hadn't missed what Toni had said.
"You caught that, huh?" Toni looked at her, miraculously some of her bravado back in place.
Shelby just smiled at her.
They were in a little bubble of calm, in a time that should have been anything but.
Soon enough though, they heard footsteps coming up the stairs and Toni jumped up, moving into the bathroom. She figured the more space between them the better and she still had to get her phone and the pullover from there anyways.
Shelbys dad opened the door without knocking and announced that food was ready. He smiled at her. Shelby was putting on a necklace. She figured the busier she looked the better.
He pointed at the closed bathroom door and mouthed "She ok?" and Shelby gave him a tight smile and nodded.
--
It was stupidly hard not to hold Tonis hand while walking downstairs. Shelby could've used the stability and calm that radiated from it – quite literally as well because her legs were wobbly.
The beginning of the dinner went as expected. A lot of praising the food, praising his wife and children and god. Shelby was about to send a prayer of thanks towards whichever entity stopped her dad from his usual speeches.
It was when desert came around that her fathers eyes finally properly landed on Toni.
"So, Toni, do you know what religion you would've grown up with, if you were staying with your folks?"
Shelby momentarily lost control over her cutlery resulting in a loud clank. Toni could feel more than see Shelby tense up next to her so she did her best to just answer calmly and honestly.
"No.. um.. I was really little when they took me away from my mom, so I don't remember much from back then and.. um.. I never met my dad." Shelbys dad kind of just looked at her so Toni continued "but.. um.. back in Minnesota I would always spend Christmas with my best friend Martha and her family. We went to church and sang and prayed and all that."
"And all that, huh?" Shelbys father laughed a little and Toni felt the scrutiny under which she was grow tenfold.
"You know what I wondered, Toni. What happened to your last foster parents? How come you're not with them anymore?"
Shelbys mom then spoke up silently "Tom, please – I'm sure Toni is going to tell us all about her life in her own time." She said it in such a soft tone, it sounded like a suggestion.
Shelbys father obviously didn't take it as such and spat out harshly "Oh, I'm sorry Kaitlyn! I wasn't aware that I am not allowed to get to know a person that is in my own house, eating Christmas dinner with us!" He had grown loud at the end of the sentence.
Toni looked at the shell-shocked look on Kaitlyn Goodkinds face and then jumped in "It's totally fine – I don't mind. Um.. my last foster parents were kind of old. They had the space in their house because their kids were long gone. They were actually quite nice but um.. the husband, George, had a stroke so they couldn't do the whole fostering thing anymore."
"Well, you are quite lucky then to have spend some time with older folks! So much wisdom in that generation."
Shelby thought it was going to be over now – her fathers need to show dominance sated, as he took a sip of wine. "So, do you know where you mother is now?"
Toni just stared at him. Half a thought popped into her head that, even for a man of god that guy was an exceptionally capable sadist. Her hands were sweaty now and thoughts of her mother, the few memories that she had, tumbled around in her head. She had no idea where her mom was but that was a secret so painful and close to her heart that however much she tried for Shelby, she would not answer him. It must've been seconds since he asked the question, Toni realized and Toni wasn't sure if she was hearing voices next to her but the thrumming of the blood coursing through her ears was too loud to be sure.
Toni tried to get up but her limbs wouldn't fully cooperate and the chair fell over and she almost tripped over the legs of the chair, trying to get away from the table. It was only instinct now. Usually Tonis instincts said only one thing: FIGHT but not on that topic. She would gladly run from this all her life.
She scrambled up after almost landing on the floor from tripping over the chair when hands found her arm and helped her steady herself. Toni had no idea whose hands they could be. Then: a familiar scent – sweet peaches and flowers. Shelby! Toni turned to the person steadying her and recognized familiar green eyes. She looked around the room and the table. Shelbys dad with a look of shock and something akin to guilt on his face. Shelbys siblings, a young boy that couldn't look at her, who was probably never taught how to handle emotions – much like Toni never had even if the reasons were different. A little girl close to crying. Then Shelbys mom standing, similar green eyes. Then the hearing came back, the blood in her ears abiding. She could hear Shelbys dad midsentence saying that he was sorry he hadn't known this was such a heavy topic. Shelbys mom asking her if she was alright. The crackling of the fireplace in the adjacent living room. Outside a car drove by.
Tonis voice was rough, as if she hadn't used it all day and she said "I wanna go home" when her eyes found Shelbys.
"I'll take you" Shelby said quickly then turned to her parents "I'm gonna take Toni home". It wasn't a question but a statement. No antagonistic tone though because a fight with her father would do nothing but make this worse. And then she was guiding Toni towards the front door, Toni finding her footing more and more. Toni looked back into the room and said the only thing she could think of "Thanks for the food".
Toni stepped out of the door, cooler air hitting her face and the smell of exhaust from a passing car. It was powerful enough to pull Toni fully out of her stupor. It felt almost like waking up.
Shelby was looking at her and Toni finally recognized the look as afraid.
"Let's walk" Toni said and started walking. She could hear Shelby catching up with her.
"I'm sorry about this." Toni said and Shelby let out an exasperated laugh.
"YOU're sorry? It was cruel. My dad – he was being cruel." Shelby said vehemently and Toni could hear the anger bubbling close to the surface. She realized that up until then she had never actually heard Shelby furious. After all their confrontations at school and this was the time that Shelby Goodkind finally lost her cool.
The fast-paced walking was helping with the gut-wrenching feelings of sadness, disappointment and embarrassment and Toni could feel her lungs wanting to pull in air more frequently. If she wasn't with Shelby she would've probably run.
She could feel her phone vibrating in her pocket and Toni stopped abruptly and pulled it out quickly.
"It's Martha" Toni said shakily and Shelby remembered that Martha was Tonis best friend in Minnesota and Shelby was suddenly incredibly grateful for the backup.
Toni picked up and at hearing the first word on the other end, kind of just collapsed into a sitting position at the curb of the sidewalk, tears immediately flowing.
Even though Shelbys first instinct was to stay as close to Toni as possible, she could hear a soft voice at the other end of the phone ask what was going on and she imagined telling that tale would be much easier if Shelby wasn't in earshot.
"I'm gonna let yall talk. I'll just wait over there" Shelby pointed a little further up on the other side of the road to a bus stop and started walking there.
When she sat down it was incredibly hard for her not to stare in Tonis direction constantly. Something inside her wanted to know Toni so intimately that it craved for her to not let her out of her sight, but Shelby also realized she wanted to earn that intimacy and not just take it, so she forced herself to look the other way, not witnessing the break down and build up.
It might've been 20 minutes or so when she heard Toni approaching. When she turned and saw Toni her heart skipped a beat. Toni looked tall again, like she had since Shelby had met her, even if she was technically shorter than Shelby. Her eyes were clear and she smiled at her with a fondness that Shelby was sure she didn't deserve.
"Marty just knows how to get through to me." Toni offered up without Shelby having to ask. Toni stretched out her hand for Shelby to take and get up and Shelby thought it was a ridiculously sweet gesture.
They were walking in silence for a few minutes, when Toni abruptly turned to Shelby and said "If you keep wanting to say something and then stopping yourself, it's gonna drive me crazy sooner or later"
Shelbys surprised look made Toni chuckle and the soft sound made Shelby confident enough that she could say what she had tried to say.
She stopped Toni, turning her to look straight at her "I'm sorry, Toni. I'm so sorry" she whispered.
"You have nothing to be sorry for Shelby." Toni said earnestly and started to move again, Shelbys hand on her arm stopping her.
"Yes, I do! I knew he was going to be cruel – I just didn't know it would be this.. personal towards you"
"Honestly, Shelby, I'm not even sure it was that cruel. Nosey – definitely! But cruel? I don't think he intended it to be"
Shelbys expression changed from confused to angry "Why are you defending him??"
"I.. I'm not! I just.. want to see this realistically. He didn't know that I couldn't handle it. He didn't know he was being cruel" Toni shrugged.
"But he IS! So cruel! So often…" Shelbys voice shook, with anger or maybe just power "He was cruel when he told my LITTLE brother not to cry anymore, long before he stopped holding me when I cried. He is cruel to my mom. To the members of the church.." as if to proof her point Shelby added "Did you know he told the wife of an abuser not to divorce him??" Tonis eyebrows shot up but no, of course she hadn't known that. "He was cruel when he wouldn't let me see my best friend anymore after she was going through a tough time! NONE of that is Christian AT ALL!" Shelby was full-on ranting now "He thinks he is this big upholder of the Christs values.. well – JOKES ON HIM! HE MADE ME READ THAT DAMN BOOK AND JESUS NEVER SAID TO BE CRUEL!" Shelby was breathing hard now, apparently just realizing that she had just shouted at Toni, who just looked at her with big eyes.
"Wow" Toni said "That's not the first time you ever thought of this, is it?" and Shelby shook her head, her cheeks red from embarrassment about her outbreak but also feeling a thousand times lighter than before. It really wasn't the first time Shelby had had these thoughts, it was just the first time she had the courage to say them out loud.
"How do you feel now?" Toni asks as she starts walking again.
"Lighter" Shelby answered honestly and then after a few seconds ".. and scared. Because I have no idea what to do now."
Toni gave her a sympathetic smile. She knew what it was like to look into your future and see nothing akin to certainty. The only certain thing in Tonis life was Martha.
"Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis
When I was dead broke, man, I couldn't picture this
50-inch screen, money-green leather sofa
Got two rides, a limousine with a chauffeur"
Toni started to rap quietly. Shelby just staired at her with a surprised smile.
"That's what Marty and I do when one of us doesn't really know how to deal with.." she gestured around "..life."
"Sounds cathartic" Shelby said.
"We can try it now if you want. I'll even go slow for you" Toni said all cheeky grin and genuine compassion in her eyes and Shelby laughed and then blushed "I don't actually know that song all that well."
Toni had kind of figured that "It doesn't have to be Biggie Smalls – even though – your loss!" she laughed a little "You're a singer, right? Don't you have a song that makes you feel powerful?"
They kept walking, slowly making their way out from the suburbs, walking along the empty street connecting Shelbys part of town with the city center. The lamp posts were bright and few, no cars driving down the road on Christmas Eve. Toni could hear the intake of breath and then Shelby was singing softly and slowly
"You've spent a life time stuck in silence
Afraid you'll say something wrong
If no one ever hears it how we gonna learn your song?
So come on, come on
Come on, come on
You've got a heart as loud as lions
So why let your voice be tamed?
Maybe we're a little different
There's no need to be ashamed
You've got the light to fight the shadows
So stop hiding it away
Come on, come on"
Goosebumps were forming on Tonis skin as she watched Shelby in awe. When Shelby stopped a single tear dropped down from her eyes and she wiped at it with her sleeve and then chuckled wetly.
"Fuck" Toni whispered and then her hand clasped around Shelbys to pull her to a stop. For a second Tonis eyes were on Shelbys lips but then she tugged at Shelbys hand, Shelby letting herself be pulled towards Toni and then Tonis arms wrapped around her and she was hugging her.