Outside the house?

The night covered her sneaking, the teenager carefully making her way by a well-practiced route from her window, across the few stable tiles on the roof and then down some handholds to the lawn. It was a circuitous route, and not one anyone who hadn't lived in the house as a curious child would have thought to consider but Lori Loud knew the creaking, archaic mess as well as she did herself; and above all she knew how to get in and out without being detected.

For while Luna might have prided herself on being a known rebel, Lori Loud prided herself on being a smart one.

But only when the circumstances called for it of course, it wasn't like she just broke the rules for the fun of it. No, Lori Loud knew the value of law and order after all. It was just that, since she knew the value of rules, she also knew when a rule really didn't strictly need to be enforced.

Like a rule about 'enjoying yourself' in the house. It certainly had its merits, as anyone in the house could attest to on if they had ever had the displeasure of walking in on a sister breaking said rule. But it was defined as 'in the house' for the simple reason that everyone else would have to either hear it through the thin walls

Strictly speaking; 'in the house' didn't include behind the garage (or in the garage either, but it was locked after nightfall in case of robbers). And at midnight there probably wouldn't be anyone around to hear her.

Or at least there shouldn't have been.

"I'm not breaking any rules," Luan stared back, knowing Lori had no grounds to banish her.

The younger girl had evidently had the same idea, and was standing right where Lori had planned to hide herself. There, the Comedienne stood leaning against the garage wall with parted legs and a hand already hidden under her skirt waist, the glistening trails on her thighs left no doubt as to where that hand was though.

"Y-you're literally just-"

"Outside the house." Luan insisted. "Out of sight. Out of mind."

Okay Lori think! Luan clearly had this planned out just like she had.

"Outside of curfew!" Lori countered, folded her arms and glared down with all the elder sister authority she could muster. "I-I don't know if this breaks The Big Rule- but you're literally supposed to have been in bed hours ago!"

Nailed it.

"How come you're out here then?" Luan snapped back. "Just going for a midnight stroll behind the Garage!?"

"Uh…" Lori's mind raced. "I was just…"

Luan's frown twitched, then her eyes brightened and it turned to her trademark teasing smile.

Oh no.

"… Oh." Luan 'gasped' in realisation. "Or maybe… did you come out here to 'find yourself' too?"

Lori could tell she totally knew that was it.

"N-no, that's totally not it!" Lori fumbled. "I was just…"

"Finding the secret sweet spot?" Luan's eyes narrowed as she grinned. "I know I sure did!"

"Ew, Luan!" Lori gagged.

"Geddit!?"

"I literally wish I didn't," Lori bemoaned. "Look, it doesn't matter why I came out here-"

"To do that," Luan snidely interjected. "But go on, don't let me stop you."

"- I didn't!"

"Well yeah, I was already, here wasn't I?" Luan leaned back and withdrew her hand, Lori pointedly avoiding the sight. "Tell you what, why don't you go 'find yourself' somewhere else and we can forget this ever happened?"

Lori almost took her up on that offer. Just walked away to go find someplace else to satisfy herself.

But it was that smug little tilt to Luan's head, those narrowed eyes like she'd won something. Her pride as the Eldest, the Alpha Bitch arose and demanded she stay and take the lion's share- or at least deny the Prankster hers!

"No." She snapped, and felt a vindictive satisfaction flow through her as Luan's smile faltered. "I think I'll just stay right here."

"W-hat?" Luan's smile shrunk. "But I'm not going anywhere-"

"Oh I know," Lori smirked. "But you know, it's nice back here. I might as well stay here and enjoy the nice night- who knows how long I'll be here for?"

Yeah, that's right! Lori cackled to herself. If I don't get any- no one else does either!

The eldest goes first after all, and she doesn't- then no else would follow. No, she would stare Luan down from now until the very dawn itself if it meant that her little brat sister couldn't 'find herself'!

Just look at her, she joyously crowed to herself. I bet those 'juices' are cooling nice and fast in this weather- getting sticky already? No? You will.

Oh yes, Lori Loud was a sadist when someone screwed with her- and knew from bitter experience just what having your 'motor stopped' mid-way into a good session was like. And now Luan could suffer that same fate, the stomach-aching disappointment of feeling everything cool into the semi numb yet tender emptiness-

Why was her hand going under her skirt again?

"What are you doing!?" Lori gasped. "You can't just-"

"Really, because it suuere looks like I am! Buuut if you really want to, then go ahead and tell Mom and Dad," Luan countered, gasping and twitching every other breath. "It's not against the- uh- rules. But maaaaybe they'll punish me anyway- but you're out after curfeeeew too!"

Her voice elongated with pleasure that Lori was pretty sure was faked (or maybe Luan was blessed with an 'engine' that was easy to 'rev up')- but the petty joy in her eyes was real enough.

"You aren't seriously going to…" Lori trailed off as a squelching reached her ears- confirming that Luan was indeed doing the deed.

"Sticking around?" Luan grinned. The silly sister's face had those narrowed eyes and smug smirk. "Well I'm not one to disappoint an audience!"

The squelching intensified, and a new blush came across Luan's cheeks. "Ooooh!"

Lori backed off, "oh God, why!?" She spluttered. "Why the fuck would you-"

"I came out here to- ah- 'find myself'," Luan emphasised. "But you came along too, so I unless you want to see me find ascend to higher- oh- level, you'd better go find your own special place!"

"… You're trying to break me." Lori flatly realised. "With. This."

"Naawww," Luan sarcastically laughed. "I'm a perfooormer girl, a real crowd p-pleaser! Y-you wanna rate my s-skiiillls!?"

The squelching intensified, and Luan's deranged eyes stared into Lori's normally indominatable blue orbs. The eldest normally would have marched over there and dragged the silly sister to their parents and the belt the herself, but she had been out when she shouldn't have- and now it was a contest of wills.

It was a matter of it Luan was really willing to bring herself to climax before Lori, or if she was faking- and if Lori was willing to wait until Luan broke down and went back to bed unfulfilled so that Lori could be.

And Lori Loud was not one to back down from a challenge to her authority.

No, she challenged the challenger at their own game and won.

"… Four."

"I'm reaaally- what?" Luan's fingers lost their rhythm.

"Four out of ten," Lori's eye twitched as the words pushed themselves from her lips. "You're just standing there and talking up a good game. W-why don't you put some of that showomanship to good use and actually put on a show- since I'm not leaving."

Luan's smile wavered- and for a moment Lori's heart soared as she felt victory in her grasp.

But it plummeted again as the Prankster rallied and rose to the challenge. "Yeah, that's a good point- I've g-gotta bring the goods for the crowd!"

And with that, Luan Loud gave the most deranged grin Lori had ever seen from her sister outside of April Fools itself. The squelching began again as the other hand moved up, and for a moment the dreadful thought that Luan might begin fondling herself or start a striptease (Luan had pulled some shit in the past- nothing was beyond her theoretical limits) reared its head, but thankfully all the free hand did was point to Lori. "You there!"

"Me?" Lori confusedly, and stupidly asked.

"Yes you, tall blonde in the front!" She ominously bared her teeth in a full smile. "What did the Prom Queen say when she saw the football team was still single at their highschool reuinion?"

"Uh…" Lori knew a setup she saw one and tried to draw it out to avoid answering.

Luan was having none of it. " 'Wow, looks like it's going to be a real Homecumming'!"

"Uggghhh," Lori groaned, the sheer cheapness of the sex pun burning her sanity.

"Don't feel bad, 'uuugghh's what she said all night afterwards!" Luan's cackled. "Now, what did Clyde- oooh- uh, say to his girlfriend after cheating on her?"

"Wait, Clyde has a girlfriend?" Lori had many questions.

" 'I'm sorry about Miss Sinister- but you know you'll always be my right hand woman' !" Luan waited for Lori to get it.

The eldest snorted despite herself, "all right, that one wasn't bad-"

"Weeeell!" Luan's voice pitched for a moment, then she shuddered. Lori dreaded that she had just witnessed Luan bring herself to a punny climax, but was somewhat mollified as the prankster continued her the movements of her nasty nimble fingers. "If liked that you're going to l-love this;

How come girls love scuba divers?"

"… Why do girls love scuba divers?"

"Because you know they're- ah!" Luan gasped. "Great at pearling!"

"Oh God," Lori facepalmed.

"C-careful, we're not even close to the climax yet!" Luan continued. "But you gotta let me know- am I a Ten outta Ten or have you had better?"

Lori gagged at the implication. "J-just get to the point!"

"Oh- what's the matter, doesn't Bobby measure up?" The brief flash of anger in Lori's eyes prompted the Prankster to move on. "Why does the Moan-a Lisa-"

"Cheap, Luan. Waaay too cheap."

"Ah- well I guess you're ready for the hard stuff." Luan's smirk gained an edge. "You sure you're prepared?"

Lori very much wasn't. "For you? Any day of the week."

"Aww, a shame Bobby isn't for you."

"Luan…."

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"

"… Really- fine. Why did the chicken cross the road?"

"Because it was a Hen's night at the club!"

"Weak-"

"And he was more into Cocks!"

"Better but still weak."

Luan's eyes flickered- was she wavering! "Okay; how come Mom keeps getting pregnant?"

"Oh god really?"

"Dad's sucks at getting out of sticky situations!"

Lori bared teeth, "5 out Ten- you're losing steam Luan."

Luan faltered, and Lori nearly declared victory. But instead the younger girl stared Lori down one last time. "All right- I didn't want to do this-"

"But cave crawling and punning at me about it behind the Garage is fair game?" Lori rolled her eyes. "Bring it, and make it good because so far your hard stuff is literally flaccid."

Luan winced, but glared up anyway. "Why do Lincoln's socks always stink?"

Lori flashed back to the many times she'd found sticky, nasty socks in the laundry. "… No."

"Because their cream filling's gone rancid!"

Lori gagged and backed away. "Stop."

Luan smelled blood, and took another bite. "Hey, you wanna know how Lincoln was circumcised?"

Lori was pretty sure Lincoln was very much intact from all the times she'd accidentally barged in on him in the shower, but let the silly sister continue ; "Lynn tripped!"

Lori winced, and Luan continued on her rampage; "what's Luna's favorite kind of music? Hard Rock!"

"Weak."

"When Lola and Lana were born, I asked dad "how do I tell them apart?" Dad said "Lola swallows."

Lori's felt herself crack a little at that one.

"Wanna know what a cervix tastes like? Go ask Luna!"

Lori just shook her head at the horrific image of what Luna's insanely long tongue could do, and Luan seemed to sense that she needed to stop holding back.

No more funny. Only sadness and pain would slay Lori Loud's resolve.

"Hey Lori?"

Lori looked up.

"You wanna know what Dad's favourite condiment is?"

Lori swallowed and said nothing.

"Mom's omelette du pussy fromage, with a side of his favorite mushroom- Yeast of Rita-"

"Okay!" Lori threw her hands up- stomach visibly heaving. "You win. I don't care what you do- I'm fucking done for the night."

And like that, Lori Loud turned around and just walked back into the house.

Leaving Luan alone.

But as the Prankster sourly reached down to continue her ministrations- she found herself cool and numb to the touch. Her fires long put out by the contest of wits- and utterly doused by the image of her father savouring the delicate flavour of her mother's unwashed naughty bits.

There would be no more alone time tonight.

"Dang it," Luan sighed, then laughed; "but I guess I can't complain; I still fucked myself in a way after all!"

A/N:

Thanks to Nuuo for a beta read and suggesting about a third of the jokes towards the end.