VII
"Laura", the recording began. Kara was sitting on a desk, her legs dangling in front of her, her eyes not quite meeting the camera yet, "If you're watching this, it means I am gone. I hope you never see this, to be honest", Kara said with that disarming smirk of hers, "but, well, in the line of work I'm in, it's always a possibility.
"It's funny, I've never feared death. I told Lee once I don't fear dying, just being forgotten."
Laura Roslin found that almost comical, as anyone who ever met Kara Thrace could never forget her. Even if Laura had never made love to Kara, she could never be forgotten.
"Nothing has made much sense since the day we left The Colonies, we both know that, and we've seen more shit that anyone deserves to go through in ten lifetimes. But here we are. None of us can say we've been pure as the driven snow during this journey, but having said that, there are some things I wanted to tell you."
Laura braced herself for the coming words, knowing that whatever it was, her heart was going to break. She truly loved Kara Thrace: she wasn't in love with her, but the woman had been, perhaps, the most loyal person that she had known, her devotion to duty and to Laura had never wavered, whatever Roslin had asked.
"When I first met you, I didn't think you had it in you to be a leader." Kara laughed at the remark. "I was definitely wrong about that. You had impressed Lee, and he told me to give you a chance. And I'm glad I did. The fact is that you're the strongest person I have ever known, Laura Roslin."
That caused tears to pool in the President's eyes.
"You are brave, incredibly intelligent, strong beyond belief. It shows in the way you've battled the cancer, and in how you always stood up for our people. Not only that", Kara continued, her own emotions starting to show, "but you showed me what I could perhaps be if I didn't have so many faults. You showed me that a woman can be strong, and also a woman at the same time.
"I was never going to be as good as you, Laura, but that's OK. You cared about me just as I was. You never made me feel like I was second best-and that was before the two times we made love." That patented smirk appeared again, even as Kara was becoming more emotional. "Don't kid yourself, Madam President: it was love-making, both times. I don't think we were in love with each other, but I do know that I love you immensely, and that I believe you loved me back. Part of any type of love includes trust, and you trusted me with some dangerous missions, because you knew I'd come through for you, even if I didn't think I would."
Tears were now coming down Kara's cheeks on the recording, Laura not able to hold hers back. "I hope that when I died, that it was for something that would benefit our people, and would give them a better chance to survive." The fact that Kara's death had been senseless, as far as anyone could see, made her passing all the more painful. "But no matter how I died, I hope I met it with my eyes open.
"You're the only one I made a recording for, because, in the end, you have been the only person that accepted me completely for who I was, warts and all, and never once made me feel like I was a misfit."
Kara wiped her eyes now, Laura clearly seeing that Starbuck hated showing any weakness, but simply not able to help it.
"Now that I'm gone, I hope that you'll remember me fondly, and laugh when you think about me. Please don't cry-well, at least not after watching this." Laura couldn't help laughing through her tears at that statement. "Just know I carry a special love for you inside my soul forever, even though I'm gone. I believe that you'll get our people to a new home, be it Earth, or somewhere else. I just ask that you keep a part of me in your heart, Laura."
Kara's fingers came to her lips, and she blew a kiss to Laura, the video fading out.
Laura put the recorder and the tape in the box, and sealed it with a key only she had. She informed Tory to cancel her appointments for the rest of the day, then Laura Roslin retreated to her bedroom, and cried for hours before finally falling into a troubled sleep.
One Month Later
"Doc, what the hell is going on with the President?"
Admiral Adama, along with Lee and Saul, were conferring with Doctor Sherman Cottle. Over the last month, the President who had beaten cancer had become withdrawn and sick. The Not Guilty verdict in the Baltar trial, they all thought, had put her into the depression. That hadn't helped, but only Laura Roslin knew the real reason for her decline.
"There's nothing physically wrong with her, Admiral", Cottle insisted. "The cancer isn't there. There's no sign of an infection, or a virus, or anything else. I can't explain it. I can't find anything physically wrong with her."
"It's got to be something", Lee observed. "She's lost a helluva lot of weight, and she's having problems holding food down."
"I know, Commander", Cottle said, anger rising in his voice. "I've reached out to other doctors in The Fleet. I'm even meeting with Dr. Baltar tonight. Despite the trial, he's agreed to try and see if he can see anything in her blood work, or anything else that I might have missed."
"You trust Baltar around her?" Tigh couldn't believe his ears. "Are we that desperate?"
"Yeah, Commander", Cottle replied, "I'm that desperate. If she keeps fading like this..."
That hung in the air for a long, painful moment.
"I know you don't need my permission, Sherman, to have Baltar take a look at things", the Admiral noted, "but I would like to talk to both of you together before you give him access."
"Understood, Admiral", Cottle said obediently. "I'll have him over here ASAP from that compound of his."
Adama met with Cottle and Baltar alone, the famed scientist assuring the Admiral that he did want to help.
"I know you won't believe this, Admiral", Baltar told him in the meeting, "but hearing what Dr. Cottle has told me, is most alarming. I may not get along with the President personally, mind you", he said, wanting to make the point, "but we need everyone, and that includes Laura Roslin."
Adama had told both in no uncertain terms that the President would not be told about Baltar's participation. Her condition was bad enough. He didn't want this information to worsen it.
Over the next two weeks, Laura Roslin's condition continued to deteriorate. Cottle, Baltar, and everyone else was at a loss to explain it. It simply made no sense.
Bill Adama stopped by to talk to the President one day, trying to find out what was going on.
"The doctors are finding nothing physically wrong with you, Laura", he protested. "What do you think is going on?"
Laura knew. The moment she had finished watching Kara's recording, her heart had broken. She had lost her Champion-the one person in The Fleet that she had trusted more than all others. A woman who was fierce, complicated, belligerent, madding, tender, resentful, and loving, all wrapped in the most breathtaking package Laura had ever witnessed. The moment she had met Kara Thrace, the younger woman had endeared herself to the President. Yet it wasn't the fact that Kara had been drop-dead gorgeous, and sensual beyond what anyone had a right to be, she had earned the President's admiration. When Kara's soul left the living Universe, so had Laura's spirit.
"I know exactly what is going on, Bill, but I really don't want to talk about it. There's nothing you, or I, or anyone else can do about it. I think it's simply approaching my time."
Adama shook his head. "That doesn't sound like you, Laura Roslin. You beat cancer. You have gone toe-to-toe with The Cylons since day one. You bested me when I tried to overthrow you. I've never seen you give up. We need you-I need you. Please, tell me, if you know, what's happened to you?"
Despite his pleading, and a few days later, the pleading from Lee, from Tory, from members of the Quorum, she kept her counsel to herself. It was too personal. It was too raw, still, and too painful. It had drained her of her spirit.
She continued to worsen.
Admiral Adama was asleep when a call came into his quarters at 0300 from the Night Watch in CIC. "This is the Admiral."
"Sir", the voice on the other end said, "this is Captain Rickets, Doc Cottle just called and said you're needed immediately in the Med Bay."
"Have Commander Adama wakened, and send him over as well. Adama out."
Laura Roslin opened her eyes, and saw the visage of Admiral William Adama looking down on her. A man that had started out as an antagonist, had ended up being one of her fiercest supporters, and sometimes lover. Yet she had never been in love with the man. When Laura Roslin thought about it, she had never truly been in love with anyone. Not Richard Adar; not Bill Adama; Not Kara Thrace. Nor any of the other four or five that she had been intimate in her life with. She had always been proud that she wasn't what was known as "loose". She regretted none of the affairs she had undertaken.
"Hello, Admiral", she said with a small, tired, but sincere smile. "Isn't it the middle of the night?"
"It's always the middle of the night in space, Madam President", he said deadpan. Despite her weakened condition, Laura Roslin laughed at that one.
"Touché, Admiral." Roslin took a heavy breath. "I suppose Cottle got you out of bed to trade jokes with me?"
"No, he didn't", Bill said more sadly. "He told me..." Bill didn't want to finish the sentence.
"He told you that I'd taken a bit of a turn for the worse...is that what you're saying?"
"Something like that", the Admiral responded. "You always could see right through me."
"Damn right, mister", she said with a wink and a smile.
Bill sighed, quieting for a long moment, and looking at the floor. "None of us understand what has happened to you. Cottle can find nothing wrong with you. The blood tests are negative. There's no cancer."
Laura knew her time was approaching. It wouldn't be in the next few minutes, she knew that, but she needed to unburden her soul to this wonderful man-soldier that was Bill Adama. They had shared more than enough that he had earned the right.
She told him about everything she had asked of Kara Thrace over the last few years. Of course the Admiral knew about the missions, but she went into detail about those moments that had changed her and the now-dead pilot. Bill Adama could hear, and feel, that Laura Roslin had held Kara in high esteem, despite her reputation.
"One day, on New Caprica...it hadn't been a good week, and everything seemed to be going wrong for everyone, I went out for a walk..."
She confessed about the lusty, mind-blowing encounter with Kara that day. No details were offered. None were asked for. She informed him about their meeting shortly after Galactica
had pulled them off that godsforsaken rock, again without detail, but that how deeply Laura had felt about the encounter, and how much Kara had meant to her. Bill didn't comment. He could have been jealous, but that was pointless. Like Kara Thrace, he knew Laura Roslin was a complicated, often unfathomable spirit, and he accepted her words without uttering his own.
"I've never had anyone, Bill", she continued, her voice beginning to crack, tears again in her eyes, "that has touched my soul like that beautiful, confused, fracked-up, loving Human Being. She was like a hurricane, but in her wake you felt a fresh breeze of summer, and it made you smile." The look she gave Bill Adama at that moment was heart-rendering, and he would never forget the pain and regret etched on her tired, drawn face.
"I wasn't in love with Kara", she noted. "But like Adar, and you, and a few others, I loved her dearly. I survived after realizing President Adar was dead. The gods strike me down for telling you this, but I would have found a way to go on if you had been taken, or Lee, but Kara?" Roslin broke into halting sobs. "I loved that girl so much-and I would say that even if I hadn't made love to her twice. She just made my soul feel so alive...so free. Her light can't ever be replaced, Bill. When that light went out, so did mine."
Two days later, President Laura Roslin died.