Throwing a Brick into the Washing Machine of Fate

by AllTheGoodNicknamesWereTaken

Toying with magic and wishes has always been a gamble. Who knew that losing could cause a new player to join the game? A very confused and unwilling player, but one likely to change the rules, nonetheless. Meanwhile, a certain magical girl just might get the help she desperately needs, and a certain baldy might just have the worst month (and a half) of his life.

7. Chapter 7

A/N: Sorry for the wait. The first scene started as a three-paragraph joke explaining in short how Saitama ended up in this mess, I swear.

But it looked unfinished and wrong when I wrote it, so I kept adding in more shit until it didn't.

So yeah. Longest chapter yet.

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/XxX\

It wasn't every day that Saitama got to see a magician. Or, to be more precise, it wasn't every day that Saitama got to see a magician for free.

Those guys tended to charge some serious money for their performances. Of course, it was their right, provided they were any good. Unfortunately, it took a very special case of good to make the show enjoyable for a certain audience. Even the most impressive display of sleight of hand didn't really work on someone who could effortlessly follow the movements of a ninja moving at super-sonic speeds.

Shows that tricked the mind, not the eyes - those Saitama actually enjoyed. Ones that relied on clever deceptions instead of manual dexterity. Not that the latter were any less impressive, but again, fooling Saitama's eyes was really hard. Unfortunately, those 'clever' shows were also far more expensive to attend, so the end result was Saitama just not seeing any magic period. This was kinda disappointing, but he had a strict budget.

As such, when a magician invaded his apartment, Saitama was quite excited. Yes, the guy wasn't invited, didn't even knock in fact, BUT he didn't break inside trough Saitama's ceiling either, something the latter appreciated greatly.

As for how he even made it inside... The guy's entrance was fairly abrupt, to say the least. The unfortunate duo of master and disciple was getting ready to eat dinner. Unexpectedly, some dancing lights just appeared near their entrance door the exact moment Genos brought drinks. Genos mentioned something about 'Anomalous readings detected nearby. Master, we should-', and the door suddenly burst open, luckily undamaged, followed by a fancily dressed intruder making his way inside.

Unsurprisingly, Genos sprung to action, all too unhappy about someone breaking inside his Master's home.

And then the stranger casually shot some kind of light at the cyborg and turned Genos into a newt.

Yes, an actual newt. It wasn't just some cheap trick like replacing Genos with the animal, no, the newt actually looked and behaved like the cyborg. Its body was mostly composed of electronics with an identical aesthetic to Genos himself - except being a newt, obviously. It was definitely pissed at the intruder as well.

Saitama was pretty damn sure that was no mere sleight of hand. And if the wizard's trick did rely on simple manual dexterity, then damn, it would've been even more impressive.

Genos didn't seem to share that opinion, though. The tiny creature squealed in indignation and shot a small bout of fire from its tiny arm that ended up lighting the floorboards ablaze.

"Woah! Woah! Woah!" Saitama quickly poured the contents of his cup on the floor, extinguishing the small flame. "Do I look like I can afford a renovation?! Cut it off you two!"

The newt squealed apologetically. It almost sounded as if Genos was trying to say something, but whatever the mage did to him seemed to mess with his ability to speak.

The wizard just raised his arms in greeting, as if he didn't just break into someone's home. "Salutations to you, enigmatic creature!" he boomed.

Saitama blinked audibly. That was one hell of a fancy greeting. Though, enigmatic? Like... mysterious? Him? "Um. Hi? Who are you exactly?"

The intruder didn't acknowledge Saitama's dignified response and continued as if Saitama hadn't spoken at all. "At last we meet. Long was the time we have looked for you. Even longer was the time we knew of your existence. We, of the great and ancient-"

Oh, he was one of those. Saitama mentally gave up on informing the man that he was on private property. Uninvited. It was doubtful that asking him to leave would work. The only options on the table were either removing the man by force... or getting him to spill out the reason for his visit in a timely manner. In the end, Saitama's curiosity won over. That still did not mean that he wanted to listen to an overlong lecture, though.

Saitama raised his hand like a student asking to speak. "That's real nice and all, but could you talk normally? And maybe skip to the point? Because-"

"To the point, he says!" the mage yelled, outraged. "Do you have any idea what it took to find you? Countless hours, days, months spent by the greatest archmages, to find a single individual..." He rested his arms at his sides. His voice reverberated menacingly in the small room as if the speaker was genuinely angry about the very fact that he had to look for someone. Said someone felt a bit offended. Talk about entitlement. "When we deign to introduce ourselves proper, outline our line of work to you, you interrupt!? Interrupt! Such disrespect to an emissary of the Great and Ancient..." Saitama mentally muted the rest of the man's spiel.

Now, it was obvious that Saitama could and probably should just throw the magical dude out and be done with it. But... he was even more curious about the guy. The mage said that 'they' - whoever that referred to, Saitama didn't quite catch the name - were looking for Saitama specifically. His encounters with most people he'd met were either completely accidental, or they happened because Saitama was actually looking for them himself. Nobody has ever sought him out like that. Not without seeing him in action.

Even Genos and that ninja dude only started following him after seeing what he was capable of. Well, the exception being that insecure esper girl... Fubuki, was it? Well, she came after every class B hero eventually, so she didn't count.

"Alright, alright. I'm listening," Saitama interjected, outstretching his palms in a placating gesture. "Just wanted to point out that both of us probably have things to do," he said, throwing a glance at the dinner table. "The sooner we are done with this introduction, the sooner we can, you know, get things done," he added, helpfully. The fact that the guy was a guest and was acting terribly rude went unmentioned since it was likely that Saitama would only achieve more outrage were he to point that out. And Saitama was perfectly satisfied by the amount of anger the magician was radiating already. If that didn't work and the intruder continued with his bullcrap... Saitama would just throw him out.

Surprisingly, there would be no need to resort to such measures.

The wizard actually stopped his lecture and let out a silent sigh. "You have a point there. Very well. I shall state my purpose. Not like the knowledge of my noble kind would do you any good."

"Oh. Cool," came the casual response.

So the guy was at least somewhat sensible, which put him far above most of the 'visitors' Saitama had to deal with. He was willing to get to the point and didn't insult him, at least not directly. Most importantly, he didn't break any of Saitama's shit when invading his apartment, which happened to be the sole reason they were even having that conversation. Well, he also looked like a regular human, bar the weird outfit. Were the latter two not the case, the only dialogue inside the room would be between Genos and Saitama, probably about washing out blood out of the carpet.

Actually, the human part was still up in the air. Saitama could not see the wizard's face, an ornate-looking mask covered it entirely.

During the guy's angry outburst the aforementioned mask came a bit loose. It still covered his face, but it was hanging a bit angled to the left, giving the wizard an impression of someone tilting their head in thought. It looked kinda amusing. The wizard noticed and with a brisk movement righted the mask. "To the point, then. I am a wizard. There are many of us."

"Got it," Saitama responded jovially.

"We are the apex of what humanity has to offer. As such, it is natural that we should be the ones to lead it."

Saitama nodded, happy with the straightforward explanation he received. Just a bunch of megalomaniacs seeking world domination. Pretty standard.

"Our time to stand at the top comes now," he announced, puffing up pridefully. "Before we can make our grab for power, we need to address a few... problems. Namely, those individuals who could threaten our rule, possibly even stop us before our takeover." The mask didn't stop Saitama from feeling the glare the man was centering on him. "To that end, our greatest diviners..."

"Diviners?"

"Seers," the wizard hissed out, "tracked those beings with great power, and determined whether they would need to be... taken care of."

"Right. Where do I come in? Your guys saw me causing trouble or something?"

"No. We did not," the mage stated, his tone eerily cold.

Genuine confusion marred Saitama's face. He stared at the wizard for a while in silence, before finally replying. "Why... Why did you break into my place then?" he asked, not quite managing to keep the tone of incredulity from his voice.

"As I said, our diviners did not see you, not directly at least. They did see something else, though. The results of your actions. We were evaluating multiple beings with unfathomable might at their disposal. Some of them would be useful to us. Others would present unacceptable threats." The mage focused his glare even further. "And a great amount of them met a sudden, unpredictable end. Such power just... snuffed out. Out of nowhere. We sought the reason behind their demise. And then we found you."

"Oooooh." Saitama nodded. Kinda made sense. "That is a pretty cool story. A bit on the long side, but I appreciate getting the summary." Another moment of silence stretched between the two, broken by the sound of Sitama scratching his head. "So... what now? I mean, you did find me."

The mage stuck his thin arm into one of the many pockets on his robe, looking for something. "You are a threat. An unknown factor that we cannot predict. As such, you cannot remain here. This is where I come in. Or, more specifically, where this comes in," he uttered seriously while presenting Saitama with a glowing piece of paper. Okay. "We will use this to dispose of you."

"Right. What is..." Saitama did his best impression of the wizard's serious voice, "...that supposed to be? And what stops me from just taking it away, before you even use it?"

"This is not actually harmful, believe it or not. It merely allows us to... Relocate a problem, so to speak. I am pretty certain you will not be opposed to the idea, once you get the details."

As stupid as it sounded, Saitama decided to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. He was honest, Saitama had to give him that. Whether it was because of principle or the (for some reason) common villainous habit of revealing one's plans in detail, Saitama did not know. But if there was one person who could afford to assume the best of dangerous people, it was probably Saitama.

What was even more interesting, was that the idea of a home invader who outright states that his purpose for breaking in is getting rid of the tenant, then saying that his target may willingly comply was unrealistic, to say the least. However, in the off chance that the intruder was not completely disconnected from reality, it meant that there had to be something in it for Saitama. Something that might make a sane person agree to just... leave. Might as well find out what.

"I'm all ears," said Saitama and crossed his arms.

The mage eagerly continued. "This scroll holds one of the most powerful spells in existence. It doesn't have a name even, so rarely it has been used! It allows one to breach the barrier between dimensions." The mage took a pensive look at Saitama. At least it kinda looked like a pensive look. Could never be sure with the mask on. "Tell me, oh great mystery. Are you not bored of this world?"

Saitama stared. The question's intent was obvious. "Are you seriously trying to bribe me with a vacation?"

The wizard seemed somewhat surprised that his plan was figured out so early. It did not stop him from continuing, though. "Hmph. Not a vacation. We offer an opportunity for a new life... We observed you. Are you not tired of this place? There is no challenge for you here. No purpose. "

Okay, maybe the guy was disconnected from reality. "And therefore I am to just jump ship and turn a blind eye on someone attempting world conquest?" Saitama ridiculed. "I mean, I genuinely appreciate the honesty and all, but... why are you even here? Wouldn't it be a better idea for you to use the magic thingy on yourself and conquer the other world instead?"

Now, the idea of actual magical powers existing was still a bit unlikely. However, it was not entirely out of the question either, as strange as it might sound. The newtification trick was really difficult to explain, and it wasn't as if Saitama hasn't witnessed some really strange abilities during his time as a hero. If the mage could actually do that on-demand... Those guys might really be able to cause some real trouble.

Not that Saitama'd let them. He was fairly glad that the guy decided to visit him. If the whole thing about 'crossing dimensions' was real, then the mages really could've just looked for a world that was straight up easer to takeover and nobody would be able to stop them. Even Saitama would be powerless to do anything, by simple virtue of not being there. Of course, such a thing happening was unacceptable. Saitama would not allow the guy to leave with the paper, whether it was genuinely magical or not.

What to do with the 'wizard', though? Try to talk him down? Then maybe try to get him to reveal where the rest of his buddies are? A good idea provided the man wasn't just a conman making shit up. World conquest with wacky magical powers and dimensional travel with a piece of parchment continued to remain unlikely at best, even considering what Saitama has seen today.

Saitama's internal deliberations were interrupted, as the wizard spoke again. "Today's humanity is limited. The masses will benefit greatly from our rule, you nay need to trouble yourself with such moral qualms," he reassured sweetly. "As for the other world... It is currently the only one we can connect to. And that shall be the case for some time. Explaining the reason behind it would require advanced knowledge of cosmology. Something I doubt you possess," he finished arrogantly, the last words taking on a painfully condescending note.

Two could play this game. "You are right. Horoscopes ain't my cup of tea."

Predictably, the wizard's frame shook a bit with restrained anger. "Cosmology is not-" he started, before calming down. Making the guy lose his composure was painfully easy, but to his credit, he had no trouble bouncing back to his 'default state'. He let out a deep sigh and continued his explanation. "Unfortunately for us, the world we share a connection with happens to be dangerous, even for individuals like us."

"Oh?" The man before him was wary of that other world. And that guy did just stroll into his place like he's owned it, despite apparently being aware of the tenant's abilities. For him to be actually wary of something... Interesting. Saitama inclined his head. "Go on."

"Our preliminary research into that dimension quickly revealed several beings of unfathomable might. Ones that easily surpass anything we, and by extension you, have ever seen. Even time itself seems to be bound and controlled by something. It is a harsh land, one that might offer a challenge even for one such as yourself." The wizard pointed a gloved finger in Saitama's direction. "And it just so happens we can provide you with a way to meet that challenge. We thought such an offer would interest you." The scroll started glowing, ever so slightly.

It sounded nice, on the surface at least. On closer inspection, though... Saitama let out a tired sigh. "Did you really think I would agree to this?"

The wizard's posture became tense. "But- but, are you not tired of this place? Do you not seek to change your way of life?"

"Of course I do. I am not entirely satisfied with my current situation. Rarely anyone is. But such is life, regardless of how strong or weak you might be," Saitama said with a shrug. "Throwing away all I have to start life anew in some unknown land? That would be an insult to every person I've come to know and kinda care about."

Newtified Genos seemed to be staring at him in awe. At least Saitama thought so, it was hard to read the facial expressions of... whatever the hell Genos qualified as at the moment. "Just up and leaving my life like that... That's just an escapist fantasy. I mean, if I ain't doing too well in a place I actually know, then why would I fare better in one I don't even know anything about?"

"Ah- A valid point, yes, yes! Such a risky move, but it might be worth it! The challenge, do you not seek a worthy opponent-"

"Not for that price. I'm not willing to abandon everything I have going on here." Saitama looked around his admittedly tiny apartment. "Nobody in their right mind would accept your stupid offer. Only someone with nothing to lose. Or a moron," Saitama deadpanned, feigning slight offense. "I am definitely not the former, and I like to think of myself as not quite the latter either so... no deal," he stated. Saitama let that sink in for a moment, before narrowing his eyes and continuing, "Now, would you kindly remove yourself from my apartment? And turn Genos back to normal on your way out?"

It was the wizard's turn to stare. Angrily. His mask came a bit loose again. "YOU-" The guy pointed a surprisingly thin finger at Saitama, before inexplicably calming down. He smoothed down his weird robes and once again righted his mask. "No. I understand. Perhaps we underestimated you- I mean your connections to this place... And the people you've met along the way." His posture sagged in defeat. Finally! Maybe it would now be possible to talk some reason into his 'guest'? Perhaps convince him to stop invading random people's homes and instead start an honest career as an illusionist? As honest as an illusionist can be at least. Those tricks of his were really impressive.

Hell, if the guy really was a wizard with access to actual magic, then there was a ton of cool stuff he could probably do. Maybe even magicking up a spell that could stimulate hair gro-

"EXCEPT WE DIDN'T!" The wizard suddenly yelled. With a grand flourish, he tossed the magical scroll to the ground. The thing burst in dull green flames and started doing something to Saitama's floor. "Taken me for a fool, eh?! We knew you could refuse! And we couldn't afford to accept that refusal." He stopped his speech to take a short break which he spent laughing maniacally.

Again, he regained his composure quite quickly and continued, "HAH! Did you think I would just leave and GIVE UP?! All we needed to get rid of you was either your acceptance... Or time. Something you foolishly provided! During our little chat, we prepared our countermeasure. And now we are ready to be rid of you, regardless of your decision!"

Some weird greenish miasma started to spread on the floor, forming a vaguely round shape. And Saitama did not appreciate weird shit happening to his floor. "I don't know what props you're using but this better be reversible, or I swear to god..."

"Silence!" the mage shrieked, visibly pleased about not having to hold on to his benign facade any longer. The wizard's mask came loose once again. The very fact that he could not prevent such a trivial thing from happening while claiming to have access to magical powers served to reinforce Saitama's doubt. The swirling vortex on his floor was pretty damn hard to explain, though.

"We nay need your consent! All we need you to do is to get you inside the portal," the wizard pointed at the magical whirlpool. Kinda needlessly, not like Saitama has missed it. "You possess great strength, making our efforts difficult... But we have summoned something beyond strength. And it will have no trouble dealing with you. For no mortal might can harm the-"

Countless green translucent tendrils burst from the floor, making a move to grab Saitama. Okay, that was probably magic. The tendrils oozed some kind of a greenish substance that looked like a mix of jelly and smoke. On his floor, again.

This was going too far.

Saitama briefly thought about allowing himself to be caught, just to taunt the arrogant ass before him, but the tendrils looked genuinely gross. Saitama slapped them away instead, the act causing those struck to dissolve while leaving those still intact recoiling while shaking and spewing some more of that green ooze. Damn, this whole business has gotten real creepy real fast.

The masked dude started to shake. "Wha- How?! Highest Arcana just... swept away? The otherwordly tentacles of the Invincible...-" Saitama didn't quite catch that. The draft around here was making it hard to hear anything, and the wizard was slurring his words. "Th-those were untangible! Your strike should've passed trough, harmlessly..."

Saitama centered his unimpressed stare on the man. "I am actually starting to think you are a real wizard," he said in a dull monotone. "Not cause of your powers, mind you. I am just certain that no sane magician would ever spend money on props that would make their audience throw up. Which makes your actions all the dumber. Pulling this crap," he pointed to the green mess, "was the best idea you had? If you got access to literal magic, then shouldn't there be like a hundred better ways to take over the world?"

He received no response, the mage merely continued to shake.

"If you guys can do magic, then couldn't you... I don't know... Cure cancer, or something? If you pulled that off, then just ran in the elections, like any sane person seeking absolute power, then you'd probably win. Like, fair and square," Saitama said exasperatedly. "And instead you are here, trying to screw over someone you know is dangerous enough to screw you right back."

No response. Saitama probably wouldn't get any for a while, he thought.

Out of sheer curiosity, Saitama decided to inspect the... The portal to another dimension? He bent down. The miasma on his floor let out an ominous hum, now that he was up close. Satiama cautiously stuck his finger inside.

As soon as his finger made contact, the swirling vortex lit up like a Christmas tree. Saitama heard an unearthly shriek from somewhere, then with morbid curiosity watched the miasma on his floor just... die out. It gave way to his old trusty floor, seemingly undamaged. And his finger was now stuck in a floorboard. Like, actually inside of it. What.

"Oh shit," he cursed worriedly. A dull thud sounded throughout the room. The magic guy fell to the floor when Saitama wasn't looking. And from the looks of it, he wasn't breathing. "Oi! Are you okay man? I didn't mean to hurt you, I swear..."

The guy's mask fell off.

"Oh. Okay, nevermind," Saitama said, relieved.

With the mask off, it was quite clear the guy was not a human. At least not anymore. He was actually a skeleton. Skeletons probably don't need to breathe. Even if they did, Saitama felt way better about accidentally killing a skeleton trying to take over the world, than he would feel about doing in some crazy old man. Yep. Good riddance. Saitama really should've just punched Mr. Bones as soon as he saw him.

"Master! Please, stay still!"

Oh good. Genos figured out how to speak again. Good job Genos. His voice carried a hilariously high tone but was easily understandable. Though... Now that the mage was dead, how would they turn him back? Saitama was kinda hoping the effect would just go away, just like the portal did. Unfortunately, you can't just get better after being transformed into a newt.

"Ah, Genos. Just the lizard I needed. Could you call for that scientist's buddy of yours? So he could help me get my finger unstuck without breaking anything?" Saitama pointed to the impossible union of flesh and floor. "And turn you back into a human, too," he added absentmindedly after a moment.

"MASTER! DO NOT MOVE! ALL OF YOUR PROPERTY IS IN DANGER!"

Despite his confusion, Saitama went deathly still. "What?"

"Master, your finger is currently occupying the same space as the floorboards. When two solid objects overlap like that the laws of physics tend to... disagree. Violently."

"Oh. Right. How violently are we speaking?"

The newt's eyes narrowed. "Total disintegration of one or both of the materials."

"That doesn't sound so bad... This floor is kinda crappy, I bet it won't beat my finger in... existing."

"I know, master. I would never doubt that such limitations as the laws of physics would mean little to a man of your caliber," the newt said seriously. "However, the piece of the floor does not share your great integrity and is likely to cease to exist. Not disappear, though. Disintegrate. The difference being that disintegration releases a great amount of energy. The current amount of matter at risk of disintegration would create enough energy to rival an explosion of a small thermonuclear bomb."

Saitama did not answer. Instead, he stopped breathing. If Genos said that moving could end up setting off a nuke inside his house, then he would do his damnest to stay still.

"To my knowledge, the only instance when such circumstances took place was during scientific experiments with teleportation. The teleported objects would end up disintegrating any matter, including particles of air present in the place they've manifested in. The reaction was very volatile, and I am unsure why it hasn't begun yet. Movement of any kind is likely to jumpstart it, though."

Saitama grit his teeth. He did not need an overlong explanation. He needed a solution. "Genos," he whispered angrily. "Stop talking and get me that scientist already."

"O-oh, of course, master! I shall contact him at once."

A quiet nod from Saitama was enough to convey his gratitude. Could the cyborg even contact the science guy in his current form? Actually, Saitama couldn't recall Genos doing anything of the sort, even when still in his 'normal form'. It would be strange if he could not... Then again, Genos did carry around a cellphone. Was it because he did not have anything inside him that would allow him long-distance communications? It could've been out of mere convenience.

The newt perked up, and squeaked, "It is done, master!" Well, there we go. He could use the machinery he was made out of to send messages. Maybe Saitama could ask him to lend him that ability and make calls from time to time? It would probably allow him to save up on his cellphone plan. "Doctor Kuseno is on his way."

Saitama nodded once again, then continued to keep his awkward stance. A few minutes passed in silence. Saitama eyed the probably-dead-skeleton-mage-guy. "Saaay, Genos. You got any idea what was this guy all about? Was he really a wizard? And why did he suddenly keel over and die?"

Genos eyed Mr. Bones with contempt. "I cannot currently explain the method that creature used to achieve the feats it performed. Yet, I am completely certain that its claim to possess paranormal ability was either fake or borne of ignorance."

Saitama was starting to get uncomfortable, with his weird position. Their conversation was a good distraction. "I mean, yeah. Magic is a bit farfetched, but it's not like we don't have equally strange things happening around, don't we?"

"Of course, you are correct, master. However, every single one of those things can be explained with science, given time," the cyborg said with utmost confidence. "Even though the creature's methods are still a mystery, I could easily detect highly irregular energy signatures it emitted when using its power. I think I might be able to solve the mystery of its demise."

Saitama was quite amazed by his disciple's mental fortitude. The guy's been turned into a small scaly animal, but he was keeping his composure just fine. Saitama was freaking out over his finger being stuck in the floor. Well, there was the threat of blowing up the whole neighborhood, but still... Genos has come a long way.

"I assume that the strange manifestation on your floor - the 'portal' - was meant to relocate anything entering inside to some unknown location like the creature claimed. Another assumption can be made about the skeleton moving like a living person, despite lacking the necessary anatomy to do so. I believe the creature's movements were powered by the same kind of anomalous energy that was used to manifest the portal," Genos explained calmly. "It is likely that both of those effects drew power from a single source, which was drained entirely when the portal attempted to transfer your finger to its intended destination."

Saitama nodded. "That means I just drained the guy's magic batteries by accident?"

"It certainly seems so, master," confirmed Genos.

Saitama sighed. "That also means that if I agreed to the skelly's offer, it would've ended the same way?" he asked.

Genos merely nodded.

With his free hand, Saitama massaged his temple. "I really should've just smashed that thing the moment I saw it."

The newt rapidly shook its head in denial. "Master, what you've done was very reasonable. It was certainly possible that the invader was just some elderly man of unsound mind that lost his way home," Genos reassured. "It was I that acted rashly. Besides, I believe that your actions may have eliminated the threat of those 'wizards' for the time being."

Saitama felt slightly better about himself. Still, he had to ask, "You sure about that? Mr. Bones did say that there were plenty of them... I think. They do want to take over the world, don't they? We are probably gonna have to go looking for them." Saitama looked down on his unfortunate finger. "After I get outta this mess, that is."

"Once again, I object, master. I detected the stream of anomalous power being drawn from the skeleton to the portal when it attempted to move you. Most likely draining the creature's 'magic' to fulfill the task it was created for. However, it wasn't the only thing my scanners picked up. Similar streams of energy were being drawn from all directions. It is safe to assume that the remaining mages taking part in the ritual from afar suffered the same fate as the intruder. It is unlikely that their group should make any moves soon. If they are any survivors at all."

"Oh. It's all good, then? We just gotta wait for someone to defuse this bomb I got stuck in my finger," Saitama stated, surprising himself with his calm tone.

"Affirmative."

In other words, in typical Saitama-esque fashion, a threat to the world at large has been dealt with in an utterly ridiculous, anti-climatic, and silly manner. Kinda like most of the things he got involved in. Except this time, he didn't even get to throw a single punch at all. How utterly disappointing.

Before the hero could lament his unfortunate circumstances, the tip of his finger sparkled pink.

"U-uh, Genos! You seeing this?"

Was the cyborg's theory about to be confirmed? And his home destroyed? Saitama briefly considered jumping out through the roof, taking the probably-nuke as far away as possible from the building.

Before Saitama could decide to actually follow through with his idea, he heard a faint whisper.

"-sh... he-"

That was definitely not Genos speaking. What he heard was the voice of a child. An extremely distressed child, at that. Saitama immediately snapped into total focus. He tried to concentrate on the voice, but he just couldn't make out the words at all. Hell, he had trouble making out the direction the voice was coming from. It sounded... close. Where?

The sparks flying from his finger intensified, and some pink energy began oozing out from it. His floor was once again being covered by some strange stuff. The pink energy settled on creating a roundish shape, then began spinning like water going down the drain. Everything in the room was shaking. The process was loud. It was like standing inside a hurricane.

Saitama noticed that Genos was yelling, "ANOMA- ENER-...! ...-STER... -INGS OFF THE SCALE!" Not very helpful, Genos. Still, Saitama mentally thanked him for the effort.

Some pained gasps came from the vortex. Saitama realized that's where the voice was coming from. Its structure shifted... and began resembling the portal the skeleton whipped out before.

The realization hit him like a ton of bricks.

"Oh, screw you," the hero cursed. "Trying to lure me in by pretending to be a kid in danger. That's just low."

The portal was on the same level as his floor, so Saitama's finger was already inside. Sensing an opportunity to solve one of his problems, Saitama gently attempted to remove his finger from the portal/floor. He met some resistance, but it was more aking to someone pulling him in, rather than trying to pull on a solid object. His finger came out just fine. Saitama grinned. Problem solved. At least one of his problems, that is.

Just like before, something came out of the portal. A massive pink arm rose out of the vortex and immediately made a move to grab Saitama. At least it wasn't those creepy tentacles again.

With little thought, Saitama slapped away the appendage. It recoiled... But remained intact. Undamaged, even. That didn't happen. If that wasn't shocking enough, it tried to grab him, again.

Something surviving a direct strike from him, no matter how toned down, was a rarity. Something actually coming back for more was... Saitama smiled slightly. Maybe something to finally lighten up this terrible day?

Out of mere curiosity, Saitama allowed himself to be grabbed this time. The arm predictably began dragging him closer to the portal. Or at least, it tried.

Its strength was simultaneously impressive and disappointing. On one hand, Saitama had trouble recalling the last time something pulled on him with such might. Even that alien cyclops didn't pack such power, and that guy kicked him to the moon. Still, Saitama was mostly letting himself be thrown around during that battle. Now, when he was putting his mind to it, he had no trouble resisting the pull. Whatever was behind the portal's creation was stronger than anything he'd ever met, but the strange tug-of-war was still far from challenging.

"What a shame," he lamented.

The arm suddenly stopped trying to move him, as if it gave up. However, it still held onto him. It began strangely flexing its fingers, doing something. Just as Saitama was about to shake off the weird thing, it let go. Then it slowly crept back to the portal.

He was pretty much fine with letting it go. It was really strong, yes, but it didn't really attack him. Just tried to relocate him. Who knew, if he let it go today, then one day it might grow into something he would enjoy facing? Besides, whatever the arm did, it made him feel lighter.

Now that he thought of it... That wasn't necessarily a figure of speech. Saitama really did feel lighter. As if something was missing from his person. He patted down his clothes, just to check if something was missing.

Pure unadulterated terror shook Saitama's very being. His pockets were empty.

"Hey! What the hell?!" he loudly asked nobody in particular and looked toward the retreating arm.

The appendage slowly turned toward him. It shifted into an offering position as if trying to show him something. There, in the palm of its hand...

His wallet. And several treasured coupons. The mighty arm closed with a clasp. It mockingly threw him a peace sign, before rapidly diving back inside the portal.

Saitama followed behind without a second's hesitation.

\XxX/

/XxX\

'I gotta admit. This cake is really good. Almost worth dodging the law enforcement for a while,' Saitama would've said if his mouth wasn't currently stuffed with the sweet dessert. As it was the case at the moment, all that he managed were a few barely understandable mumbles coupled with a spectacular display of bad table manners.

Admittedly, it was rare for him to resort to such drastic measures, but extreme hunger coupled with the recent trauma of witnessing Candyland's demise has taken their toll on his troubled mind.

His eyes wandered from his plate to his impromptu hosts.

Yellow looked troubled. Blue was surprised. Both were showing varying signs of disbelief. Nothing unexpected really. Saitama was sure that they would not react too well to his story. He could hardly believe it himself, yet here he was.

To give Saitama some credit, the story those girls told him was pretty unrealistic as well.

The two were magical girls. Apparently, they weren't the only ones either. It was a global thing. The same went for the witches - supernatural monsters that ate people and hid away in some strange pocket dimensions. Both of those things apparently went completely unnoticed by the general populace for an unspecified amount of time.

How witches came into existence was a question neither of the two could precisely answer. Yellow just gave him some mumbo-jumbo about 'accumulated curses'.

How does one become a magical girl he did not know either. Though in this case, he was pretty certain the girls knew, they just wouldn't tell him. Yellow was just dodging the question, and Saitama didn't want to push it. He was a guest, after all.

"S-so," Blue began hesitantly. "You are here to hunt down some... magical pickpocketing arm?"

"Nah. I came here when hunting a magical arm," he dutifully corrected. "I didn't actually want to end up here. Already given up on getting my stuff back at this point," he added dejectedly.

"Oh." Blue looked to Yellow. After a moment of silent staring, Yellow shook her head. It almost seemed like they were having a silent conversation, as if they could understand one another without words. The girls probably knew each other for a while now.

The momentary silence was broken by Yellow. "Ah, I am sorry for your loss, sir," she began, her voice reluctant. "May I ask, what do you plan on doing now?"

"Dunno," he said and scooped up another piece of the delicious cake. "I'm pretty much stuck here. Actually wanted to ask if you know of a way to get back to my place." He looked out the window for a moment, before turning back to the table and letting out a tired sigh. "Looking at your faces, I'm guessing that ain't the case, right?"

Another silent glance was shared between the two. Blue nodded and spoke, "U-uh. We don't know how to help you get back, no. At least not yet," she added and inclined her head toward Yellow. "Mami-san here is a veteran, though! She... she knows a lot." She turned to the girl in question. "Mami-san, do you know of any magical girls who could help?"

Yellow/Mumi looked at Saitama uncertainly. "Ah. I don't think so... I could ask around, though? I am sure there must be someone with a power that would help..."

A deep frown marred Saitama's face. "Yeah. Don't actually do that."

The two startled. Blue asked, "Why not?"

"Remember what happened to Mr. Bones when he tried to teleport me somewhere?"

A look of surprised realization came across their faces. "Oh."

"Don't get me wrong, I really really want to get outta here, but I'm not gambling some random kid's life for a chance of making it."

Blue smiled at his words. Yellow didn't, but the tension that was visible on her face diminished somewhat.

"We... appreciate the concern," Yellow said.

Blue agreed with a nod and added, "It's not like we can't help you, though! We could..." she stopped, looking a bit lost. "Maybe... eh..." she mumbled, looking desperately to Yellow. Then she clasped her hands and grinned. "Ah! I know! We could look for that strange arm-thing you mentioned!" she exclaimed. "It might've been a witch. And it certainly might be dangerous, so it's our job to deal with it anyway. Besides, helping you get your stuff back is the least we can do."

Saitama was about to answer, but Yellow beat him to it. "Sayaka-san is right. It is our duty to protect this city," she said with determination. "You mentioned that it was the arm that brought you here, right? At the very least, it was connected to whatever it was that did. I think... finding it might be the key. To get you back home, I mean."

"You got a point there," admitted Saitama.

The two schoolgirls were handling the whole situation surprisingly well. They were knocking on death's door half an hour ago, and now they were dealing with someone claiming to be from another world, which was hardly a fitting downtime after a near-death experience. Saitama was quite impressed with their ability to handle weird situations.

There was also the option that they thought that he was insane, of course. Saitama certainly would think so of anyone claiming to be in his current situation, if he wasn't the one currently experiencing it. To make matters worse, the girls did see him punch out a massive monster they had some real trouble with, which meant that they...

Saitama cringed at the thought. They might be terrified of him and keeping up an act in fear that he might do something unpredictable. He did not like that possibility, but no matter how much he disliked it, it still remained a possibility. It would certainly explain Yellow's obviously tense disposition. Still, even if they were horrified of him, their handling of the situation remained admirable. The two were still children, though. And children should be kept away from such things.

Saitama looked at the two seriously. "The arm-thing could be my ticket back. That being the case, I still don't want either of you anywhere near it."

"Wh-what?! But why?" Blue asked scandalized.

Yellow took his words a bit better, only appearing slightly agitated. "I understand your concern, but considering you ended up here, then that... thing might've made its way to Mitakihara as well," she said her eyes hardening with steely resolve. "And protecting this city is our duty."

Saitama sighed. He knew what he had to say to stop them, but that didn't mean he would like it. Nonetheless, he put on his best stern-face and spoke, "Remember the worm thing?"

Yellow cringed but didn't let up. "I do. I fail to see what it has to do with-"

"The worm thing that almost ate you both?" he said, almost reluctantly. Predictably, the two girls cringed even harder. Saitama was well aware that it was a low blow. "The worm went down in a single hit," he added.

The girls stared at him as if he was stating the obvious. Which happened to be exactly what he was doing.

"Trust me, that is usually how my fights go. The arm, though? That arm took one like a champ. Didn't look any worse for wear either. I will not have two kids looking for it, much less to actually fighting it," Saitama stated, his tone clearly not inviting any further discussion.

Being a dick to children was not his favorite past-time. Nonetheless, if those two ended up actually facing that ethereal arm or even the creature it might've belonged to... Yeah, being mean was definitely the preferable alternative. Especially since the girls might try doing stupid shit for his benefit.

Saitama absolutely hated the situation and his apparent lack of ideas about solving it. Of course, it wasn't anything new. He didn't know what the hell was going on for several weeks now... But that confusion came from a total lack of understanding of his situation, which was completely justified. Most people could easily get overwhelmed when visiting a new town or something. He landed himself in a different world.

If there existed people capable of getting their crap together on short notice after such an ordeal, then Saitama would certainly like to meet them. Ask them for a few pointers perhaps.

Now he kinda knew what was going on. He was currently speaking to two literal children who somehow managed to obtain some sort of extraordinary powers and took that as a sign that they needed to immediately start fighting battles to the death with some strange monsters. And he didn't know what to do. This time he had no real excuse, which made him feel even worse.

Children should be in school. Not getting involved with hero-work.

Normally, he would not have bothered too much with the endeavors of anyone willing to do dangerous stuff as a public service. Like his fellow heroes. Those people were (supposed to be) competent adults who realized the risks of their job and prepared accordingly for the possible dangers involved.

When it came to kids though... Saitama tended to oppose children doing relatively negligible stupid shit, like underage drinking. Children were in the great majority not ready to make decisions about risking their lives for some cause, noble or not. He was now facing two girls who apparently decided they were ready to... well, risk their lives for some cause. And frankly, he didn't see any reason for them to do it. He had to subtly... discourage them.

Saitama frowned, glancing out the window. "I ain't seeing any fires out there."

"Uhm. What?" came Blue's predictably confused response.

He crossed his arms and turned his blank stare on Blue. "I said that I don't see any fires outside. Or explosions. People dying. You know, generally, no chaos. This city looks really peaceful."

"That-That's true, yes," Yellow reluctantly confirmed. It seemed his explanation did little to help ease off their confusion.

"This place doesn't look to be in some grave danger. Like, we aren't in some desperate situation that would justify..." 'having kids battle some horrible creatures' was on the tip of his tongue. But if there was one thing that pissed off kids trying to take on adult roles, it was pointing out that they were children. And Saitama did not want those two pissed. Angry teens were anything but cooperative.

"I mean, the city probably doesn't need..." Saitama battled with his mind in search of the right words. "It doesn't need... people risking their lives to protect it. Especially people who should be doing other things. Like being in school," he blurted out the last part lamely.

"Being... in school?" Yellow repeated.

Oh yeah. His ability to be subtle was rearing its ugly head once again. Do not call them kids was a simple guideline. So Saitama, in his infinite wisdom, went with people who go to school instead. Way to go, mate. He mentally, and almost physically, facepalmed.

His unfortunate attempts at conversation aside, the two girls seemed convinced that battling those 'witches' was their duty. Hell, they believed that magical girls were, in fact, the only ones capable of stopping those things from killing random people.

That couldn't be true, right? There was no way that nothing but an army of kids was responsible for keeping this world safe. That would be all kinds of wrong. Besides, it would've been just plain weird. Why the hell were teenage girls the only ones capable of battling those things? At least the two had told him so. They had to be either lying or ignorant of other people who surely had to know about witches. Those witch-things were apparently present for a long time. The idea that nobody ever noticed their existence...

The only way that could've been possible would be if someone was actively keeping that knowledge a secret. Someone besides the girls, obviously. He outright refused to believe that a massive group of completely disorganized teenagers was able to keep the existence of magic and witches a secret from the rest of the world.

Then again, whatever might be keeping that secret a secret would need a suitable reason to do so. He could not see any possible benefit that one might get from kids fighting to the death in some nightmare pocket dimensions, so that option was off the table, at least for now.

Saitama was sure that some group of competent adults that was dealing with the problem had to exist somewhere. Probably working in secret. The girls just didn't know of it.

The worst-case scenario was that the girls were correct, and magical girls really were the only ones able to face witches. Even then, those magical girls would not remain teenagers forever. They had to become competent adults at some point.

And competent adults would deal with the problem of those witches by banding together and creating something akin to the Hero Association. Since witches went about their business quietly, unlike monsters back home, it would certainly be possible, even reasonable, to keep them away from the eyes of the public.

Some secret organization had to exist either way.

All Saitama had to do was find them. Possibly sign up with them, since those guys could probably use some help. Maybe they could also provide Saitama with some living arrangments until he found a way to get back to his place.

Before he found them, he had to at least try to discourage the two from putting themselves in more unnecessary danger. He still didn't really want anything to do with them, but leaving them be just wouldn't do.

"What I am trying to say," Saitama began, "is that you probably shouldn't be doing this."