After Ogin and her crew had left the room, Maho remained in her seat for hours, enjoying the unending silence. Cutlass didn't pay her any mind, only giving her the slightest occasional glance as she fiddled behind the counter, cleaning glasses or reorganizing a shelf. Maho didn't complain. In fact, she preferred being ignored, as long as there was a freshly brewed 'Hiroshima' before her when needed, and Cutlass always made sure there was. The raging fire the drink set aflame within her shed light on her surroundings, and on the state of her own mind. It gave her clarity, yes, but also a sense of comfort. For as long as she could remember, the darkness had ravaged her mind, tempting, teasing, and toying with her. Now, for the first time in ages, her mind was at peace. She could merely sit at the bar, and think things through, without being dragged away to some tragic battle or unpleasant memory.
All things considered, her life was seemingly getting better. She had managed to leave her old life in Kumamoto behind her. She left Kuromorimine and found a new school to call home. Who she was was unknown to her peers as was, it seemed, her past. Still, she wasn't going to take any chances. The more she could keep others at a distance, the more she could ensure that neither herself or those around her got hurt again. Hurt. Maho didn't need the darkness there to know that was one of her biggest issues. Anyone she got close to either ended up broken, hurt, or dead. Therefore, it was safer to be alone. As long as she was alone, she was the only one who could end up hurt. She wouldn't let what had happened to any of her friends happen again. She wouldn't let what had happened to Miho happen to anyone else. She would carry her burdens alone, even if it would end up breaking her. Living her life under her mother had already given form to many cracks and stresses on her body and mind, and the events during the match against Pravda had nearly broken her completely.
Maho sighed and stared into the fiery mixture of the new glass Cutlass pushed towards her. The embers of her last drink were still smoldering inside her, so she simply leaned against the bar and gazed into the vibrant greens and reds for a moment. She moved her jaw around a bit, hoping to alleviate some of the pain, but to no avail, Perhaps that was for the best. She did choose to punish herself like this after all. It was at the least a less extreme form of self-harm than what she had turned to in the past. She ran a hand over her lower arm, feeling the scars through her jacket. In the end, she deserved every bit of what she was doing to herself. There was no one on earth she hated more than herself, with the possible exception of her mother. Every bit of pain she dealt herself was, in a small way, a way of making amends for the pain she had caused others. At least, that's what she told herself. Deep down, she knew of course that it didn't actually matter. People had already gotten hurt, and hurting herself wouldn't make it right. Still, the part of her that knew that that was true was hard to hear between the overwhelming cries from the part of her that told her she deserved it. Unfortunately, this was the part of her she most often gave in to, and so it was this time as well. She grabbed the glass before her, and downed it all, reigniting the burning pain once again.
Having emptied the glass, she pulled out her phone from her pocket, and fiddled with it for a minute or so. She swiped back and forth among the applications, not looking for anything in particular. Time and time again, she found herself opening up her contact lists, and one contact in particular. She would quickly realize her mistake however, and return to merely browzing photos she had taken, or reading an article. And yet, she returned to the contacts. Why was she insistent on it? She knew that it wouldn't help. She knew that it wouldn't matter. She could call him a thousand and one times, and he still wouldn't pick up. She would never feel his embrace again, no matter what she did. Without her realizing, her thumb had opened up her voicemail, and pressed play on the only one she had stored. Not wanting to bother Cutlass, but also not wanting to stop herself, she lifted the phone to her ear, and just listened.
She remained there a while longer, before another warm glass of the foul cocktail was pushed towards Maho, and Cutlass' glance to the grandfather clock in the corner let Maho know that this was to be her last for the night. The fires of her last drink were still alive and well, and yet, she lifted the glass to her lips and downed it in one, just as she had done the ones before. A new inferno was set alight inside her, and having returned the now empty glass to the counter, she turned on her stool to leave. As she lifted her body off her seat however, her legs gave way from underneath her, and she nearly collapsed to the floor, barely managing to catch herself on the counter.
Cutlass gave Maho a concerned look, but soon returned to cleaning off her bar. Her patron seemed to be able to take care of herself, so why interrupt and perhaps insult? Maho hadn't counted on the numbing effect the painful fires of the many drinks would have on her. Her entire body was screaming out in pain, warm to the touch from the fires that burned within her, and yet it was at the same time numb and unresponsive, as if her entire body had fallen asleep. It was a strange and unpleasant sensation, like moving someone else's body. She both knew and could see that her own limbs were moving, but they wouldn't move quite like she wanted them to, and she couldn't feel them moving at all. She struggled for a minute or two to get herself standing upright, before she clenched her jaw and started to stumble towards the door, willing her body to move despite the soreness, despite the numbness, and despite the burning pain.
Slowly but surely, she made her way back towards her apartment. The sun had set beyond the horizon at this point, and Maho had no true idea of what time it was. What little attention she could spare from the seemingly unending task of keeping her body in line as she walked through the streets, her brain instead put into registering the colossal pain ravaging her every fibre. Finally, she reached her apartment door. Her body still very numb indeed, she struggled with unlocking it, lacking the fine motor skills needed to skillfully do so. Once she got the door open, she stumbled into the hall, managed to wrangle out of her jacket, and collapsed on the floor, leaning against the kitchen counter. She drew a couple of deep breaths, the air seemingly catching fire in her mouth as she inhaled, and let her body relax. As she looked around her apartment, she realized it was the first time she had truly seen it in color. Ever since she moved in, her apartment, and the world in general, had been bathed in greys and blacks, with no real color appearing before her except for the slightest hint. But now, she could see it clearly. She could see the green carpet, the light blue walls, her off-red pillows and mint-colored covers. She could see the bowl of fruit, apples, oranges and bananas, standing on the counter being reflected in her hallway mirror, a cavalcade of colors she could hardly have believed existed yesterday.
She struggled to reach a hand up to the counter to grab an apple, doing her best to fumble around with only the mirror for guidance, something her nerves proved useless at providing. Her hand landed on something, and so she forced her fingers to close around it, and let her arm sink back down. Looking down, she hadn't grabbed an apple, but the small teddy bear that she had placed there last week. Miho's old teddy bear. When she left Kumamoto, it was the only memory of her sister she could bring. It was the only reminder she had left of the sweet and innocent sister, other than her drawings. She kept on looking at the stuffed bear through teary eyes, caressing it's bandages with her thumb. It had been her fault. Despite the darkness having been driven from her mind and soul by the still-burning embers of Cutlass' mixture, she knew that it was true. It wasn't all her fault of course, the Nishizumi way held a grand portion of the blame, but deep down she knew. It was all her fault. It was her actions, and her actions alone that had lost her her sister. It was her feeble and futile attempts to protect Miho that was to blame for Maho losing her. It was Maho's order that had sent the Panzer III so close to the cliff-side. It was her ignoring the objective and leaving the flag-tank and her team that had lost them the match. It was her hesitating to do so, and her stumbling as she ran, that was to blame for the tragedy that unfolded that day. Everything Maho could think of and more was, in the end, all her fault.
"Big sis! Big sis! Wake up!"
Maho was awoken by someone very rudely jumping up and down on top of her while she was lying in bed, trying to sleep. Instead of responding, she just groaned and pulled herself deeper underneath her covers, before someone started pulling at them, and she had to fight to keep them.
"Come on, Maho! Today's the day!" A final sudden yank pulled the covers right off of Maho, and she was left lying in her bed, beams of sunlight attempting to breach her eyelids. Realizing the futility of her position, she sat up, and yawned.
"What?" she replied drowsily. "I'm up, I'm up… What is it?" Having hastily rubbed her eyes to remove the worst of the grime they had accumulated during the night, Maho finally opened her eyes, and was met by the sight of a smiling Miho, staring up at her.
"We're going to the lake today! You promised!" the girl replied, a smile from ear to ear. Maho sat in stunned silence, not entirely believing what she was seeing, before lunging at her sister, holding her tightly in her arms.
"Miho!" she almost yelled, tears in her eyes. "I'm so sorry, it was all my fault. I should have done more, I should have protected you…"
"Maho, I can't breathe. Let me go..." Miho answered, struggling for air against Maho's embrace. Reluctantly, Maho let go.
"But...Miho… How are you… I thought you…"
"What are you talking about?" her younger sister asked once she was released, seemingly oblivious to the fact that anything was wrong. "Now come on," the girl whined as she tugged at Maho's pajamas. "We gotta go. Erika's already waiting." With that, Miho turned and ran out of the room, her arms flowing behind her, not a care in the world.
Maho blinked a few times, and once again rubbed her eyes. Looking around, she began to recognize her surroundings. She wasn't in her apartment as she had first believed, but in her old room in the Nishizumi family mansion. She jumped out of bed in a slight panic. Why was she here? Why wasn't she aboard the Zuikaku? Had she been taken away in the night? And what had Miho been talking about? Erika was here? How could that be? Why would she be here? She took a deep breath in an attempt to calm herself, and rushed over to the door as quietly as she could. Pushing the door open slightly, she saw the familiar hallways and tapestries, everything she had tried to escape. At the end of the hall she could see Miho and Erika talking, smiles on their faces. It wasn't until now that Maho realized how small the two of them looked. Almost like they had done when they were children. What was it Miho had said? Something about the lake? That they were going there? The specifics didn't matter. Maho needed to get out of here. Seeing an opportunity to get the three of them out and away from the house, Maho quickly changed out of her pajamas, and made her way to the garage, the two younger girls following excitedly behind her.
"Come on," she told the two as she helped them up onto the Panzer II that was stored there. "We need to get going..." ...before Mother finds us, she thought, keeping her fears to herself as she climbed up after them, and jumped down into the driver's seat. Miho and Erika shared the commander's seat, their heads barely popping up and out of the hatch. Maho turned on the engine, and was almost calmed by the familiar hum as she drove the tank out from the grounds and up onto the road leading to the lake.
Time seemed to pass in a strange way as they drove. There was an almost soothing familiarity that washed over Maho, and time seemed to speed up and slow down as a result. Her mind was racing as they drove, past the endless rice fields and scattered groves of trees, a flock of seagulls flying overhead that Miho was eager to point out. At several points during their drive Maho had to tell her sister to climb back to her seat, when the girl had clambered out and on top of the tank to point out something 'Maho just had to see', for fear she would fall off. After they had driven for a while, Maho wasn't sure how long, they finally reached the small lake. Maho helped Miho and Erika dismount, the girls' flailing attempts at getting off the tank by themselves bringing a smile to her face.
"Hurry up Sis!" Miho called out to her as the two girls ran to the water's edge. Maho, for her part, was still getting the bucket and fishing poles from the tank.
"Calm down, I'm coming. It's not like the crabs are gonna go anywhere," she called back. There was still something gnawing at the back of her mind. Something it felt like she should remember, but she couldn't figure out what. In the end, she decided it mustn't be very important, so she grabbed the bucket from the tank's barrel, and the fishing poles from their place on the side of the tank, and leapt down to the ground. As a final flourish, she lifted her straw sunhat from it's hook beside the driver's hatch, and put it on her head.
"Your sister is so cool," she heard Erika fawn to Miho. "It's not fair. I want to have a cool big sister too." Maho chuckled to herself at the comment, even if there was nothing very impressive with her jumping down from a Panzer II. It was nothing after all compared to what she was used to. The tanks at school were much bigger after all. Especially her beloved tank. Wait, what tank? What school? Maho didn't drive a big tank at school. She'd never even seen a bigger tank than the Panzer II. Right? That sounded right, and yet it didn't. Something wasn't right, but what was it?
"Maho! Hurry up!" Miho yelling for her pulled Maho out of her daze, and she shook her head back and forth a few times as she walked over to Miho and Erika by the water. She must have just been tired. That was it. Of course nothing was wrong. The sun was shining, the breeze was warm, the three of them were going to fish for crabs just like they always did, and nothing was wrong. Everything was as it should be.
They walked over to the rock where they usually sat down, and did just that. They talked, they laughed, they let their feet dangle in the water. Occasionally one of them would splash water at the others, and an escalation would follow. They sat there for hours, hauling in crab after crab, and Maho could only smile. Everything was right with the world, and she was at peace. Of course she was. Why wouldn't she be? What reason could she have to not be happy? Everything was so perfect. The only thing that was even remotely wrong was that nagging feeling at the back of her mind, telling her that something was wrong, but she just kept on ignoring it. How could anything be wrong when she was with Miho and Erika, and all of them were happy? She had missed this so much. Spending time with Miho and Erika. Playing around the grounds of the mansion, fishing by the lake. It had been so long since they had done this. And now they couldn't anymore…
What was she thinking? Of course they could. They were doing it right now. Just like they did all the time. Maho was always together with Miho and Erika. They were always happy together. Right?
"Maho?!" Miho called out to her, and once again she was pulled from her thoughts. That was probably for the best anyways. Why should she be worrying when they were all so happy?
"What is it Miho?" she asked back, without looking away from the water.
"It's...It's Erika! She's m-missing!" Maho nearly dropped her fishing pole at the words, but within seconds she had put it against the rock, and was up on her feet.
"What do you mean?"
"W-we were playing hide and s-seek in that forest, and n-now I can't find her," Miho answered, blubbering through her tears. "I even c-called out to her, t-telling her s-she won…" Maho looked over to the 'forest', which was really nothing more than a few trees in a grove. She jumped down from the rock, and took Miho's hand, wiping away the tears with her thumb.
"Don't worry. I'm sure we'll find her," she said, a confident smile on her lips. "Erika's both strong and crafty, so I'm sure she's not hurt," she continued as they began walking towards the 'forest'.
"Erika?! We're not playing anymore, you won!""
"Erika?! Come out, come out, wherever you are!"
"Erika?! Where are you?!"
They walked around the 'forest' for what felt like hours, and for some unexplainable reason they couldn't find Erika anywhere. Now that they were actually in it, Maho had to admit that what she thought was just a few trees was actually much larger. The forest was dark and overgrown, stretching out as far as the eye could see. In just a few minutes of walking, Maho had lost sight of the lake and the Panzer II, and now they were much deeper still.
"Maybe she didn't want to play anymore?" Miho asked out loud, still clinging to Maho's arm. "Maybe she went home?"
"If she walked home, she would have told us first." Maho replied, certain in her answer. "Besides, she would have told you that she didn't want to play anymore, right? She always loved winning."
"I guess…" Miho said, not as certain.
They kept on looking, calling out to Erika as they did, but it was almost as if the forest was twisting around them. Maho would make a small mark in a tree to make sure they knew where they had been, but even when she was certain they were doubling back, and by all accounts should have found the markings again, they were nowhere to be found.
"This is ridiculous," Maho said as she stopped to look around them.
"What is?" Miho asked, her voice trembling.
"I could have sworn we've been past this tree at least five times, and I marked it every time," she replied and gestured to one of the trees around them. "But apparently not, cause there's not a single marking on it." They continued walking despite their apparently being lost, until Maho felt a sudden tug on her arm, and the sound of leaves rustling behind her. As she turned around, Maho saw Miho trying to get up from the ground where she had fallen.
"Maho…" the girl said in a low voice, trying her best to hide the nasty-looking scrape on her knee.
"What is it?" Maho answered and bent down to look her sister in the eye.
"I'm scared…" the girl said, her eyes tearing up and her voice meek. Maho went down on her knees and hugged her sister, patting her calmly on the back.
"Don't worry Miho. There's nothing to be afraid of." Maho did her best to calm her sister down, even if it didn't seem to help. "What does Boko always say?"
"That…" Miho sniffled, "That you should always get back up again…"
"That's right," Maho said with a smile. "And I'll always be there to make sure you're safe. Now come on, I'm sure Erika is just around here somewhere."
"Who's Erika?"
"Don't be ridiculous Miho. You know we came here to look for… to look for…for..." Who were they looking for? Surely they were looking for someone. Why else would they be alone in this dark forest? But who? Maho couldn't remember. Maybe they weren't looking for someone? That was probably right. Two young girls walking through a forest to look for someone they didn't know was ridiculous. No. They must have just been out on a walk. That was it. They were out on a walk, and were heading back home. Maho's thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a branch snapping behind them. A sound that Miho jumped at.
"Miho, get behind me." Maho spread her arms to act as some form of barrier between whatever it was that had made the sound, and Miho. Another branch snapped, and a bush rustled somewhere.
"I'm scared Maho!" Miho cried out from behind her. Even without seeing her, Maho could tell her sister was quivering.
"Don't worry, I've got you." Maho did her best to look around to see what was making the noise, while also keeping an eye on Miho, trying to calm her down. That's when she saw it. A tall, slender-looking creature, walking on two legs and black all over. It had an insidious grin in the middle of its pale face, and claws as long as it's forearms, with clouds of black smoke emanating off of it.
"MAAAAHOOO!" the creature growled, even if it almost sounded more like a roar. "MIIIIHOOO!"
"Kyaah!" Miho cried out from behind Maho "Maho! Make it stop! I'm scared!" Even if Maho shared her sister's terror, she wouldn't let it show. There was something familiar about the monster, even if she didn't know what.
"Miho, get on my back," she said in a low voice. "NOW!" she yelled when nothing seemed to happen, and as soon as she felt Miho's arms clinging around her neck, she grabbed the girls legs, turned, and ran.
Maho ran as quickly as her legs could carry her through the forest, doing her best to keep an eye out for any roots or rocks she might trip on. Miho was clinging to her back as tightly as she could, her tears falling on Maho's neck and rolling down her back. Still hearing the creature following behind them, Maho tried to find the way back to the lake, back to the tank so that they could escape. So that she could protect Miho. But the forest wouldn't allow it. It was as if their surroundings grew darker with every step she took, with branches and vines closing around them. At times, it was as if light itself fled, leaving Maho to fumble in the dark for the way forwards. In the darkness, she didn't notice the roots of a tree, and she fell.
"Argh…" Maho growled and grabbed at her ankle, but soon let it be and looked for Miho.
"Miho, are you OK?" Silence. Nothing but silence could be heard in the dark woods. "Miho?! Miho, where are you?!" Maho crawled back to her feet, and leaned against a tree to take the weight of her ankle, which was still screaming in pain. She tried to take a step, and almost collapsed again, barely managing to stay upright. It didn't matter. She had to find Miho. She had to protect her. She was the only one. The only one who mattered. It didn't matter what happened to Maho. What was important was that Miho was safe… That she was protected… Maho had to keep searching. She had to. She pushed forwards, barely able to walk, but after a few more steps, she fell again, right through a bush, with sudden light blinding her on the other side.
Maho lifted her arm to shield her eyes from the light, and as she blinked a few times, found herself back in her apartment. She was still leaning against her kitchen counter, the small teddy bear held tightly in her hand. It had been a dream. A horrible dream, and nothing else. Of course she wouldn't get to live happily with Miho and Erika. Those carefree summer days would never come again, and it was her own fault.
She shook her head a few times to return to reality, and gave her face a few claps to leave the dream behind her, struggling with her arms as she did so. Her body was still unresponsive, even if it wasn't as numb and asleep as it had been the day before. She slowly got up, using the counter for support as she did so, as feeling slowly returned to her body.
Her head was a different matter. Sounds seemed muffled, and her vision was blurry. These issues were complimented by an earth-shattering headache, and a sickening feeling all the way down her throat. As she put a hand on the counter to steady herself, returning the teddy bear to its place, she began to notice how bleak and dark her apartment seemed. She struggled to breathe, and had to put all her willpower into it. The air felt thick in her mouth, almost liquid. It was as if her entire body was at the bottom of a lake. No, not a lake. An abyss.
Maho recognized the immense pressure, the unresponsiveness of her body, the blurred vision, and the dark thoughts creeping into the back of her mind. It was like an old friend returning. But this particular 'friend' was one she could do without. Still, as she opened her phone to check the time, she realized she was at risk of being late, so she forced her body out through the door, and rushed towards school.
Her run was not a pleasant one, as the malicious guest in her head wriggled within her to gain new perches on her soul. As she reached the school gates with some time to spare, she breathed a sigh of relief, and was about to walk through the gates when she was stopped by one of a trio of girls with short black hair, and equally black armbands.
"What do you think you're doing?!" the girl yelled at Maho in an annoyed tone.
"Uh, I'm walking to school, so get out of my way," Maho replied, hoping to get past the girl before the darkness convinced her to do something stupid.
"Not dressed like that you're not," the girl answered, seemingly equally as frustrated as Maho, and gestured to her clothing. As Maho looked down, she realized she hadn't changed clothes since yesterday, and was still in her T-shirt and jeans. "All students are to wear the designated school uniform while on school grounds. Punishment for not following this shall be…" the girl started reading from a small book of rules, before Maho interrupted.
"Fine, I'll go home and change," she sighed and turned to rush back home. Now I'm definitely going to be late, she thought to herself as she ran. In her rush, she accidentally bumped into a black-haired girl going the opposite way. "Sorry," Maho yelled back, slightly annoyed, as she continued on her way towards her apartment, not paying the near unconscious girl much mind.
Once Maho reached her apartment and unlocked the door, she took a few seconds to regain her breath. She felt sick from all the running and rushed to the bathroom to throw up, before she started to rummage around the apartment for her uniform. Her still blurred vision, muddied thoughts, and the grey filter she seemed to view the world through didn't help her in this endeavour, as she opened drawers, looked behind doors, and turned over moving boxes, but nowhere could she find the uniform. Taking a step back and looking around the apartment, she saw her jacket lying on the floor in the hall. "I can't go on like this…" she said to herself. "I can barely think, and I can barely see. I need clarity, and I need it now, or I'll never get through the day." She walked over into the kitchen, and began pulling out whatever ingredients she could find. Perhaps she could quickly brew a suitable replacement for the 'Hiroshima', find her uniform, and then be on her way. She was already late, so what would a few extra minutes do?
A few minutes later, she held in her hand what at least looked somewhat like a 'Hiroshima', even if it was freezingly cold, and made the original's smell seem almost pleasant. Maho raised the glass in a toast to no one in particular, and started to drink. She barely had time to raise the glass to her lips, before she spat what little she had let in her mouth into the sink, pouring what was left in the glass after it. It would seem her lack of skill in the kitchen was equally applicable to mixology. She followed this horrific experiment up with several glasses of water in an attempt to get rid of the foul taste, to moderate success. In the corner of her eye, Maho could see her jacket lying in a pile on the floor in the hall. She was already late. She could just take the jacket and go. Walk down to the lower decks, and find Cutlass. How much worse could her position be made by it?
"No," she said to herself, determined. "This is a bad idea. I need to find my uniform, and I need to get to school. I already blew it off yesterday, and I can't keep skipping out just because of my own stupid reasons."
"You're right," she heard the darkness whisper back in her mother's voice. "It's this sort of irresponsible behavior that makes people hate you…"
"Shut up," Maho replied into the ether.
"You are a failure who won't value the right things…"
"Shut up..."
"You never take responsibility...
"Shut up, shut up, shut up…"
"Why should I? I only tell you what you already know…"
"No, you don't," Maho growled back, grasping the sides of her head. "You just tell me what you want me to think. You just want to break me…"
"Oh my dear Maho, you were always broken. That's what made you so easy to use. If you had merely followed my teachings, and done what I said, you would have been feared and respected throughout Japan. No one would dare cross you, and you wouldn't have to deal with these fools, calling themselves your 'friends'..."
"Leave me alone…"
"But instead, you decided to do things 'your' way. The real you wouldn't have thrown a match that was destined to be won just to run to the aid of some fresh-faced amateurs…"
"They were my friends, and it would have been wrong not to try! And you know it would have! What difference would winning have made, if I had been forced to live with the knowledge that I could have tried to save them? I would merely be haunted by a different darkness, and still stuck living under your thumb!"
"Such fire in you. I clearly never taught you your proper place, nor how to respect your betters. What would Miho say…"
"Don't you dare speak her name!" Maho shouted into the void that was her apartment. "You don't have the right," she continued, whispering to herself with tears in her eyes. "You don't have the right…" She walked over to the hall and picked up her jacket from the floor, throwing it on as she walked out the door. School was out of the question. She was going back down to Ogin's and Cutlass. She was going to get a proper 'Hiroshima'.
Maho's walk to the lower decks was swift and determined. At one point she was almost hit by a car, having walked with such focus that she didn't even notice the light still being red. Her path through the ship's bowels was equally focused, not paying any mind to the many glares the occupants of the corridors gave her.
"Stop right there," the guard outside the bar said and held up a hand to stop her. "No one's allowed inside except for the captain's crew and guests. Especially not a filthy topsider like you."
"Get out of my way," Maho answered and kept on walking, before being physically blocked by the muscular girl.
"No one gets in without the captain's permission," the girl reiterated, and pushed maho back a few steps. Maho, on her part, closed her hands into fists, and prepared to strike back, but their scuffle was interrupted by a bored voice from behind.
"I didn't expect you back so soon." The girl standing guard shifted her focus to behind Maho, and bowed her head as Cutlass walked past Maho and up to the door.
"Mornin' Miss Cutlass."
"Morn' Adrianna. Don't mind her," Cutlass replied while gesturing to Maho, not paying either of the girls much mind. "She's a personal guest of the Captain. She's free to come and go as she wishes."
"O-of course, Miss Cutlass. I'll make sure of it. Personally!" Cutlass didn't seem to care very much about the reply, and simply walked past Adrianna, pushing the door to the bar open, and letting Maho follow. Cutlass didn't wait for an order before starting to fiddle with bottles and tools behind the bar, while Maho took her seat from the previous night. Soon a properly brewed 'Hiroshima' stood before her, warm to the touch, foul-smelling, and vibrantly coloured. Seconds later, the glass was returned to the counter, Maho having emptied it in a single swig. The fires were lit, the darkness receded from her mind, her body cried out in pain, and she was left to ponder what little she could remember of her dream.
The rest of the day passed in a near identical fashion to the day before. Maho would sit and think in silence, silence that Cutlass respected. Whenever necessary, a new 'Hiroshima' stood freshly brewed before her, and she could reignite the fires in her body and mind. At some point during the day, a plate of food appeared, and she ate. When Cutlass began to close the bar, Maho began walking her numb and unresponsive body home, where she'd collapse on her bed and sleep. Thankfully, her sleep was uninterrupted and free from strange dreams, only the familiar nightmare dared disturb her. Morning came once again, and Maho didn't even bother to change, or walk to school. She could feel the battle start to take shape within her again, and headed down to Ogin's for another dose of the infernal brew from Cutlass. She drank, she ate, she pondered, and she walked home to sleep.
Maho awoke the next morning, and noted the day on her phone. It was Friday morning, meaning she had skipped almost an entire week of school with no real reason than feeling sorry for herself. She groggily got up and out of bed, and got into the shower. The warm water calmed her down, and almost seemed to clear her mind in the same way as the 'Hiroshima'. Having cleaned herself off, she changed into her school uniform, hanging in its place on the door of her wardrobe as it was. She walked over into the hall to pack her bag, making sure pens, books, and everything else was in its place.
"You can't run forever, you know that right?" Maho turned around to face whoever had spoken, but saw no one. She was all alone in the apartment.
"Great… Now I'm hearing things…" Maho muttered to herself as she returned to packing her bags.
"You're not." Once again Maho turned around and inspected her surroundings, but there was no one there except for herself, and her own reflection in the mirror. A reflection that wasn't reflecting her. It was her alright, but not in the green and white of Ooarai. In the mirror stood Maho Nishizumi, wearing the blacks and reds of Kuromorimine. "There we go," her mirror image said with a smile. "As I was saying; You can't run forever. You need to face what happened."
"What do you know about it?" Maho asked angrily. "You're just my mind playing another trick on me, trying to tempt me back to what I hate."
"Perhaps," the Maho in the mirror said with a shrug. "But just because I'm not real doesn't mean I'm not right. You are not in a good place, and until you deal with what happened, you won't ever be."
"Just leave me alone," Maho answered, and looked down at the phone in her hand.
"He won't call. And even if you call him, he won't pick up. We both know that," her mirrored self noted. "This is what I'm talking about. You need to let things go…"
"Just shut up! I don't want your advice."
"Why not? After all, we are one and the same you and I."
"We're nothing alike! You're a despicable person who doesn't care for anyone or anything. I hate you and everything you stand for!"
"No, you don't."
"I do! So leave me alone! You just want to tempt me. Make me go back to Kuromorimine, to tankery, to my mother… But I'm not having it, you hear?!"
"Is that so?"
"Of course it is! I can barely count the reasons I hate you!"
"Shouldn't be difficult. After all, there's only one."
"You're wrong!"
"Am I? So you don't despise me because I know what scares you the most?"
"I'm a Nishizumi! I'm not scared of anything!"
"What scares you, beyond everything else, is the truth."
"What truth?! I'm not scared of any truth!"
"The truth that, deep down, you enjoy the feeling of invincibility you get when you command a tank. The undeniable truth that you're not haunted by your time doing tankery. No. You miss it."
"I… No… You… you're wro…" Maho stammered, not being able to truly refute it, and her twin continued.
"You miss it. And the mere thought that this is true frightens you to your core." The Maho in the mirror looked at her with concern. "Let's face it; you don't hate me. You don't hate who you were. You hate the fact that you desperately want to go back. Despite all that happened."
"No," Maho said in a low voice. "You're wrong." She clenched a fist as tears formed in her eye. "YOU'RE WRONG!" she screamed and punched the mirror image of herself in the face, shattering the mirror into a thousand and more pieces, blood flowing freely from cuts on her knuckles and hand. She didn't even care to clean any of it up, she just grabbed her bag and walked out the door into the blinding sunlight.
Maho was lying in her bed, her eyes opening slowly. She lifted her hand and looked at it in the dimly lit apartment. It was fine. No cuts, no bruises, no blood. Rising slowly from her bed, she looked towards her hall, where her mirror was hanging whole on the wall. Another dream. No, not a dream. It was far clearer than a dream. There was something about it she couldn't place. All she knew was that she didn't want to experience it again. Looking at her phone, it was indeed Friday morning again. She tried showering as an attempt to clear her thoughts, but unlike the dream, it didn't help. She changed into fresh clothes, and looked around her apartment. It was a mess. Boxes were lying upended, their contents strewn across the floor. Clothes were spread chaotically around the room, and it was all in all a great big mess. She didn't have the energy to care, and instead just threw on her jacket, walked out the door, and closed it behind her. She was going down to Ogin's to get some peace and quiet.
A strange feeling nagged at the back of her mind as she walked, not only because of the dream, but something else as well. As if she was being observed, or followed. Ultimately though, she didn't care.
Maho was sitting at Ogin's bar and was pretty sure it was the afternoon. She had downed four or five 'Hiroshima's, and been given food, so it ought to be the afternoon. Her thoughts were consumed by the so-called dream, and what her mirrored self had said. Surely she was lying? Maho never wanted to go back. She had sworn never to. She wouldn't so much as touch a tank until the day she died. She was sure of it. She was going to live out her life in obscurity, never so much as giving the idea of tankery another thought. What did that phantom know anyways? She was nothing more than a few neurons acting up, nothing more. Right?
"MAHO!" Her thoughts were interrupted by a jubilant Saori rushing over to hug her. Something Maho very much wasn't interested in right now.
"Get off me," Maho growled in response, noting the presence of Hana as well, and a girl with fluffy brown hair that had seemingly accompanied them.
"We went looking for you at your apartment, but then Yukari told us she knew where you were," Saori said, not showing any indication of letting go. Maho made the assumption that Ykari was the fluffy-haired girl's name.
"M-miss Nishizumi!" the girl said and bowed deeply. I-I'm so happy to get to meet you. I've been following you for a long time… A-as a tanker, I mean. I'm a big fan, and I just wanted to say, about last year's tournament…"
"Don't bring it up, or I might do something I regret." If there was one thing Maho most certainly didn't want to discuss, it was last year's tournament. Hopefully this girl hadn't run her mouth and told Hana and Saori about it. "Another!" Maho called out to Cutlass, one of few words she had exchanged with the girl this entire week. A minute or so later, Cutlass delivered, and another 'Hiroshima' stood before her. The smell did at least seem to repel Saori somewhat, as the ginger let Maho go and took a few steps back.
"B-but, are you ok? With all that happened during the match?" she asked. Of course Yukari had told them. Why did Maho ever think she could remain anonymous for long?
"Yukari told us what happened, and we're so sorry we tried to get you to tell us about it. If we had known we would never…" Hana continued, but Maho interrupted.
"You think you know what happened? You think you know why I stare into the abyss every waking moment, and every sleeping one too?" Turning away from the counter and glasses before her, Maho looked at Yukari with a glare. "What did you tell them?"
Author's Notes
Bit of a long chapter this week, but I didn't want to go another entire week until we caught up with Hana, Saori and Yukari's story, so enjoy some extra reading on the house ;)
Other than that, not much of note to say this week, other than that I've decided I'm going to try and keep Tuesday as a soft deadline for new chapters going forwards, since I've got a bit of a streak going. Chapters could still show up whenever, but the idea for now is to have Tuesday be the day of new releases.
Reviews and feedback is as always welcome, and I'll see you all next week.
/Rhino