Surprise! Another chapter today!
Some of you might feel a little angry towards Lara after this chapter. She's a complex, multi-dimensional character. She has flaws, you'll see more of that in the coming chapters.
to my loyal reviewers (I love y'all for reviewing every chapter, it means a lot!)
ponytail goddess: Lara's still finding herself. And she did discover something in this chapter. She'll have a few more tests down the road. thanks for the review!
Katia0203: I agree, this conversation was needed. Sorry about the typos, it was pretty late when I typed up that chapter. I'll try to be better about editing"
to everyone who has followed this story - a big thank you! Please consider dropping me a review!
Lara stared at the healer in disbelief. He was still smiling, expecting her to leap with joy.
"Congratulations, my lady, you're with child." She had gone to the healers because she had suspected it, but was hoping to be proven wrong. Deep down, she had known she was pregnant again. The tell-tale signs of fatigue and nausea only visited elleths for one reason.
"Are you sure?" she stammered. Please be unsure, please be something else, anything else, she begged silently.
The healer's smile faded a little. He was surely used to patients leaping for joy upon hearing such news. Elven children were a blessing to their parents and all of their people. "Of course I'm sure. You're little more than 2 months along. Don't worry, knowing the marchwarden as I do, he will be elated."
He thinks I'm worried about what Haldir will say, Lara thought. If only. No, Lara was the one who did not want this child. Toberion had just started nursery school. After several years of staying at home and caring for him mostly alone (for Haldir was away so often), she was looking forward to some peace, quiet and freedom.
Freedom, that's what she coveted most. She had so little of it now, between Toby and the various roles she was expected to play as wife of the marchwarden: chief organizer of care packages, head supporter for the new wives and mothers her husband's soldiers were bound to…the list goes on. She never asked for any of those jobs, they landed at her feet, the marchwarden's wife was expected to do it. She had given up the job she loved for some stupid fantasy of marital bliss that never came true. But there had been a light at the end of the tunnel, once Toby went to school, she would have precious hours in the day to herself. Lara had begun to make plans for those hours, perhaps she could take up some translating work (she'd done it briefly before starting at the archives), or even go back to work at the archives…
All that came crashing down now. She was pregnant again. She could look forward to years more of diapers, lonely early morning feeds. Valar, it was unfair. Haldir could go on without any disruption to his work and she would be left with all the responsibility.
"When is the elfling due?" she asked, forcing a smile on her face, giving the healer the best look of elation she could.
"Next summer. I want you to start taking this tea daily, and I'll see you again in a month" he said, looking relieved that Lara seemed to have finally realized what true blessing was coming her way.
Lara walked home in a daze, she barely remembered the healer handing over the tea and bidding him goodbye. The memories of her lonely first pregnancy and solitary delivery were swirling in her mind. The delivery, oh valar, it had been horrible. Haldir could not be spared from the front lines. She had labored alone, for hours, not knowing what to expect. She had cried, begged for him. Haldir would not know any of it. He would only see his beautiful baby handed to him when he returned to Lorien bathed in the glory of victory.
Toby was not yet home when she returned to the flet. She locked herself in the bathroom and sank to the floor. Tears flowed freely. She was overcome with guilt. A baby was a blessing, she was a bad mother to not want this. Of course she would love her child, but the timing was just awful. She shook that last part from her mind. Haldir will do more this time, she thought, I will make him.
Her husband came home from the borders a week later. Lara had carefully rehearsed how she would tell him, working in how she would like more help this time around. She had gone over it in her mind countless times. She would do it after dinner, when they could have a quiet moment to themselves while Toby was out plying. It was all for naught as Toby blurted it out as soon as he saw his father.
"Nana's having a baby!" Toby announced loudly, as soon as Haldir stood in front of her for the garland ceremony. Excited whispers rippled through the assembled crowd of soldiers and their families. Haldir's eyes widened and he looked at her for confirmation. Her cheeks flushed. He must've thought she was glowing from joy. No, she was furious she had not had the chance to say what she wanted, what she had rehearsed so carefully. But she could not be angry at her child for this, so she was just angry at the situation. She forced a smile on her face, she was doing that a lot lately, and nodded.
"It's true, the baby's due next summer." The excited whispers grew much louder. A few of the soldiers called out their hearty congratulations. Her husband knelt in front of her. But before she could place the garland upon his brow, he leaned forward and kissed her womb, an act of absolute devotion. The elleths in the crowd swooned. What could Lara do, nothing but smile again and place the garland upon his brow. They were quickly swarmed with good wishes and congratulations. Inaya had practically leapt for joy and began talking about planning the child's blessing ceremony. They did not get a moment to themselves until Lara closed the door to their flet.
That night, after Toby was sound asleep, the couple sat quietly at the table. Haldir was drinking a glass of wine while Lara sipped on her tea.
Haldir had a boy-ish smile on his face, she found it infuriating. Most things he did now irritated her. "Another elfling Lara, think of it, how have we been so lucky."
"Your parents were blessed three times Haldir. I'm pretty sure making love frequently helps" she retorted sarcastically. That wiped the smile off his face. She was unnecessarily mean, but she didn't care. She felt so trapped in a life she didn't want, she lashed out at the first thing in front of her.
"The baby's due in the summer. I hope you will make sure to be here" she stated.
Haldir sat up at her unfriendly tone. "Of course Lara, I want to be there."
"I wasn't sure if you were planning to miss this one's birth too" she said snarkily. She knew he regretted missing Toby's birth, but couldn't help throwing it in his face.
"No, Lara. I will be there. I wanted to be there last time, I just couldn't…" he said, pleading for her understanding. "I'll make sure everything's ready for the baby. I know you're acting like this because you're worried you'll have to do it all alone like you had to with Toby. But I promise, this time will be different."
"Yes Haldir, you know me so well" she said sarcastically, before walking to the bedroom and slamming the door behind her.
Looking back on it, her husband had made sure everything was ready for the baby. He had furnished the nursery, ordered clothes, there was little more he could have done.
Before Lara could say anything, he continued. "I will not keep you bound to me. It's the only thing I have left to give to you." Then, seemingly unable to look at her, he walked away utterly defeated. It took Lara a few moments to process what he'd said. Her heart went out to him, he was hurting so badly, she could feel it through their bond. And, it hurt her. It hurt her deeply, she almost couldn't breathe. Then, she knew she could not allow him to hurt this way. No, she loved him, she realized. And she didn't want him to suffer. She could not bear it, she wanted him to be happy just as he would gladly give up everything to make her happy.
"Haldir, wait!" she ran after him. "Wait!" she called out to him again. He came to a slow halt, still unable to look at her. She realized he was crying. She had never seen him cry; not when their son was born or when they had bound to each other, never.
When she reached him, she placed a hand on his chest, to convey the importance of her message. He glanced at her hand, it was the first time for months she had touched him to intimately.
"Hal, it is not your fault. It's not. None of it. You're a good father and a good husband. It is I who does not deserve your love. I have not been good and kind like you. Far from it. I didn't want to be pregnant again, Toby had just started school and I wanted time to myself. The baby was going to take that from me and I resented it. I was angry I could not control my circumstances and I took it out on you. And I have been a terrible wife. I have been so awful to you. Because I wanted to hurt you. I thought you didn't care and you didn't understand what I was going through and that made me so angry. I am sorry."
It was Haldir's turn to be shocked into silence. Without speaking, his hand found hers that was still on his chest. He gently took her hand into his.
"Do you still love me?" he asked. No, he was begging for an answer.
"Yes, I have always loved you. I lost my way for a while but that has never changed" she said with conviction. "I want to be bound to you for all of time. Like I vowed to do. Because I love you. You're a good, kind elf. And I am so lucky to have you." They were both crying now, as their lips met. The first kiss they had had in months. The first expression of their feelings in years. Now perhaps they could finally begin to heal.