by foot it's a slow climb
Chapter 7
Cracking open a cold one with the boys
:::
As a direct disciple of Lan Qiren, I had to be proficient in several subjects. I have to know the sect's rules, know the tenants and shared laws of the cultivation world, and my manners must be impeccably beyond reproach, and, of course, I had to be proficient with the Guqin.
Gusu might be famous for its musical cultivation, but the guqin was the one instrument that stood above all the rest. Inquiry and other such techniques were a true contribution to the cultivation world. Inquiry was the safest way ever created to communicate with the dead.
It was also the most difficult.
Inquiry required pin-point control over one's qi, on top of learning a whole new language, because that's what it was: a wholly musical language. The fact that Wangji was already a master of Inquiry at fifteen was nothing short of prodigious. His skills were truly worth all the praise he got.
I wasn't at Wangji's level, but my playing was deemed passable. My skill with the guqin was good thanks to childhood lessons, and my qi control was excellent from all the healing I did, but the interpreting… I was shit at, to put it mildly.
I liked the guqin well enough. I enjoyed listening to Wangji more than I liked playing myself, though.
No, my favorite instrument was the erhu.
I first learned the erhu at my mother's knee. I remember being small and quiet, staring at my mother with my fist in my mouth. The erhu was extremely versatile in range because it resembled a human voice.
When my mother played, the erhu laughed and cried, just like a human would. She could perform a duet with herself! So cool! It was one of the few courtesan arts that my mother kept up with from her time in the brothels. The only one that she surpassed my grandmother in.
I wanted to learn, so she taught me.
When I passed the proficiency test, I moved out of the junior quarters and into my own tiny house on the grounds. It was a mark of regard from Lan Qiren that I didn't have to share with another senior disciple - letting me stay up past nine, practicing my erhu without worry.
Favoritism for the win.
The moon rose like a great whale on the horizon, broad and calm. Years of practice made it easy to play only moonlight as my guide. I wasn't playing any great songs - Just snatches of music from my old life, songs I missed. They were just flickers of memory, like candles guttering in the wind.
The notes poured out of my hands; A lady Gaga song, four bars of an old cartoon theme song - Steven Universe, I think, a few snatches of megalovania. Finally, I settled on working through an old theme song for a drama I watched in my previous life. The characters were barely streaks, and the plot was hazy, but the music I remembered- it was beautiful, full of longing for things long gone—nostalgia for a different time.
A knock on the door shifted me from my music. I blinked. Curfew was in ten minutes. Why would anyone be visiting me now? A flick of my spiritual energy lit a white candle on my desk. I put down my erhu, walked across the room with a candle in hand, and opened the door.
Wangji stood out like a beacon against the dark sky behind him.
I blinked. "Wangji?" Wangji rarely left the jingshi after dark. "Is something wrong?"
His face was half in shadow, but there was something off about his eyes. Like he was having trouble focusing. He blinked once, and his gold eyes finally focused on my face.
"Ruizhi," He said, and nothing else. He swayed slightly.
Worry rose in me. "Wangji, are you sick? What's wrong - "
"Lan Zhan! Lan Zhan, where are you?" A voice hissed down the corridor. "Aiyah, I'm going to be in so much trouble. What on earth am I going to tell Jiang Cheng? It was good music, but did you have to chase it, Lan Zhan?"
I blinked. "Young Master Wei?"
Silence.
The sound of footsteps down the bridge leading to my house, Wei Wuxian skidded to a stop just short of knocking Wangji over, his eyes wide, and his smile nervous. "A-Xi! What a coincidence! Lan Zhan and I were just - out for a nighttime walk! Just two friends, being friends out in the moonlight, you know how it is."
"No," Wangji said.
Wei Wuxian's face scrunched. "No, what?"
Wangji grabbed my shoulder and pulled me behind him. Startled, I fumbled the candle so it wouldn't set Wangji's hair on fire. Wangji shifted until I couldn't see Wei Wuxian at all.
"Mine," Wangji said.
"Uh," Wei Wuxian said.
"Young master Wei? What's going on?" I asked, leaning out from behind Wangji.
Wei Wuxian gave a nervous laugh and didn't meet my eyes. "Nothing, nothing! There's nothing wrong; I have everything under control!"
Wangji raised his sleeve to block my view. "No."
Seriously, what the hell? Was this some sort of qi deviation? You like him so much; I'm not even allowed to talk to Wei Wuxian anymore?
Irritated, I ducked under Wangji's arm. He was too slow to stop me - he was moving oddly.
"Hold this," I shoved the candle into Wei Wuxain's hands. I touched Wangji's cheek and focused my spiritual energy. It was still harder to heal others than heal myself, but I was almost proficient in it after constant practice. Plus, it was Wangji. I was nearly as familiar with his qi as I was with my own. It was easier to heal him than anyone else.
"No injuries, meridians are fine, no fever -" I stopped. That couldn't be right. I reran the scan.
Wangji seemed content to stay under my hand. He turned his face into my palm, gold eyes closing.
The scan came up the same way.
I dropped my hand and spun to glare at Wei Wuxian. "Young master Wei. Would you kindly explain why I'm getting readings off Wangji as if he is drunk?"
Wei Wuxian smiled brightly. "I'm sure I have no idea, haha. Drinking in the Cloud Recesses is forbidden!"
A pair of arms snaked around my shoulders. I froze. Wei Wuxian froze, eyes wide. Wangji -
Wangji was.
Is he hugging me?
...?!
has shut down. Please reboot.
Young Master Lan, what was with this stealth attack? Sure, I was working on the physical touching thing, but this was - he'd never done more than nudge me on his own! What the fuck was going on?
"Is he fucking drunk?" I demanded of Wei Wuxian.
A hand covered my mouth. "Do not swear."
I could feel Wangji's hands, familiar and calloused against my mouth. I felt his deep voice through my chest, against my back, climbing up my spine to settle in my eardrums as if it belonged there. I swallowed hard. Heat rose along my spine.
Oh my god, abort, abort, abort -
Wei Wuxian laughed nervously. "Well, uh. I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about! Lan Zhan drinking, what a notion. Right, Lan Zhan?"
"Ruizhi. Smells good." Wangji's lips brushed against my cheek.
All I could do was stare at Wei Wuxian and try not to explode into a puddle of embarrassment. He looked almost as embarrassed as I felt, his eyes wide and his cheeks a fetching, delicate pink. God, even his obvious embarrassment, looked good on him.
No wonder he was the one Wangji fell for.
The thought cooled my blood faster than jumping in the cold spring. Right, right, Wangji was the male lead; he belonged to Wei Wuxian, body and soul. Good thing I remembered, otherwise I might have made some dangerous assumptions about what Wangji was doing here while he was so drunk.
Wangji hummed under his breath, and I felt it in my bones.
Even if it meant nothing, it was still embarrassing how stupid I was for forgetting it.
"A-Xi," Wei Wuxian glanced between Wangji and me. "You and Lan Zhan are excellent friends."
...I mean, yeah? Obviously?
I put a lot of effort into being his friend! Once I decide to do something, I'm all in. Most of the time. Half of the time. Well. When it came to stuff I cared about, anyway.
"Ruizhi is good," Wangji said, voice stern.
Wei Wuxian laughed. "I know that, Lan Zhan! This poor Wei Wuxian has already been saved twice by the heroic Third Jade of Gusu. You don't have to convince me that A-Xi is good."
Wangji hummed, pleased.
I was going to fucking expire. Rest in peace, Yan Ruizhi, who died when two pretty people started talking about how good he was. Ugh. My neck felt like it was on fire. Thank god I didn't blush easy.
Besides, Wangji was the good one! Too good! If he wasn't so good, would I still be in Gusu, stuck between the love interest and the protagonist? Author, you have a lot to answer for. My poor soul stood no chance against Wangji, and Lan Xichen and Lan Qiren - and, why were all the Lans' so good?
Unfair! Unjust! Unrealistic! Other words that begin with un!
I was going to file a complaint with the Author!
I sighed. "Wangji, Young master Wei, you should return to your rooms. Curfew has passed, and the patrol will be by soon -"
Footsteps sounded down the short walkway leading past my house, and I blanched. God, sometimes I have to wonder about my luck. Is it me? Am I the problem? Did I somehow do this to myself?
If Wangji were found like this, he'd never let himself live it down. There wasn't much cover this far out - my small dwelling sat in the middle of a small lake, with a bridge leading over the water; once you turned the corner leading to the bridge, the whole lake was visible. I could see the patrols lantern coming down the winding steps. They'd turn the corner in seconds.
No time to hide.
I grabbed Wangji and Wei Wuxian and dragged them inside.
Wei Wuxian yelped. "What -"
I covered Wei Wuxian's mouth. "Shh," I hissed.
He stared at me.
"Put out the candle," I hissed.
Wei Wuxian did, and the room was plunged into darkness. Weak moonlight streamed through the circular window to the side, trailing over the stacks of papers, the scrolls, the books on every visible surface. It was a mess because I just finished moving from my old rooms to this one.
The light passed through my door, faintly. A beat passed. The light began to recede.
I waited a few seconds, just in case - nothing. I let out a long sigh. "Fuck, that was close."
"Um," Wei Wuxian said.
I looked over. My hand was still over his mouth, and we were standing way too close. I jerked my hand away. Wei Wuxian and Wangji both looked at me. Wangji's face was its usual blank self, but there was something vacant about his eyes.
Shit, my cool-headed facade!
I folded my hands behind my back and felt my face settle into distant but polite. "My apologies, Young Master Wei."
Wangji tugged on my sleeve like a child. "Ruizhi."
"What?"
"Ruizhi."
"...What?"
"Ruizhi."
I gave up. Wangji continued tugging on my sleeve, saying my name quietly over and over again. He didn't seem to want anything. It was like he was saying it just to say it.
He was drunk.
"Alright, Wangji. Let's go sit," I said. He followed after me quickly enough.
Maybe if I ignored Wei Wuxian enough, he'd go away.
No luck.
He followed Wangji and me.
I could feel the curiosity radiating off him. His eyes skipped over my room, taking in the stacked bookshelves, the stand for Sansheng in the corner, the still neat bed, my erhu sitting where I left it.
I sat Wangji down at the low table and sat down next to him with a sigh. He still had a hold on my sleeve. Wei Wuxian followed and sat on the opposite side.
I gave Wei Wuxian an unamused look. "If you insist on staying, I would appreciate an explanation, Young Master Wei."
Wei Wuxian grinned at me. "Well, I was having a little get together in my room with my friends, and Lan Zhan decided he wanted to join in! I tried to convince him not to- the rules and all - but he insisted."
"Alcohol is forbidden in the cloud recesses," I said. "Lying is forbidden. Immorality is forbidden. Behaving rudely as a guest is forbidden. Breaking curfew is forbidden."
"Hey! I could be telling the truth."
"Wangji is drunk, Young Master Wei. Are you expecting me to believe he is that way by choice?"
"He could be!"
I looked at him, incredulous.
His broad smile faltered for a moment. "Okay, maybe not. The drinking was my fault, but I swear the rest of it was all Lan Zhan! How was I supposed to know that a single cup of wine was enough to get him drunk? What kind of lightweight is he? And, the curfew breaking - I tried to get him back to his rooms, but he kept insisting that he had something important to do! He's the one who dragged me over here! How else would I know where you lived?"
Wangji's arms snaked around me again, pulling me up against his side. "Ruizhi. Do not drink. Alcohol is forbidden."
He was treating me like a teddy bear.
Wei Wuxian's Cheshire smile nearly split his face apart. "You and Lan Zhan are close, huh?"
"Mm," Wangji said. "Close with Ruizhi."
Wangji sure fucking was. One of his hands burned against my waist, and the other was slung around my shoulder.
I could feel the telltale pressure of a migraine forming.
I held out my hand. "The rest of the alcohol, Young Master Wei."
He folded his arms. "I don't have any!"
I just stared at him, unamused. Wangji seemed to have transferred his drunkenness to resting his forehead on my shoulder. God, I hope he doesn't remember this in the morning. It was awkward enough that I had to remember it. He'd be so embarrassed.
Wei Wuxian cracked first. Grumbling, he fished out a white bottle out of his sleeve and handed it over. "Emperor's smile is very expensive, you know," He grumbled. "Ah, barely got to taste it. This is robbery, robbery!"
Ignoring him, I weighed the clay pot in my hands. There was still a fair amount left. I looked at the bottle and thought about Wangji waking up in the morning and realizing what happened. He'd report himself for breaking the rules for sure. I looked up at the ceiling, then glanced at Wangji, who hung off my neck like the world's most beautiful necklace.
I sighed, resigned.
Fuck it.
I uncorked the pot and took a long pull.
Wei Wuxian squeaked.
Emperor's smile had a burn to it, but I managed to get it down without coughing. I wiped my mouth with my sleeve. Whoo, that was a rush. It wasn't that strong, but it had a bit of a kick. Spicy. No wonder Wei Wuxian liked it so much. I could feel it working already. My body warmed, and my shoulders relaxed down.
When Wangji woke up and reported this to Lan Qiren tomorrow, I didn't want him to face it alone. Solidarity, you know?
Also, if I had to deal with Wei Wuxain's teasing, I wouldn't do it sober.
The warmth spread from my chest. It was acting far quicker than I remembered in my previous life. Was the alcohol stronger, or was it because I was part Lan?
"I should probably ask Laolao if I'm part Lan," I mused, more to myself than anything. Grandmother would tell me if I asked.
"What? No, wait, that's not important! Why did you do that? Alcohol is forbidden!" Wei Wuxian leaned over the table.
I shrugged. Eh. The bro code outweighed the rules any day.
(Lan Qiren would be so mad, but that was a problem for future me.)
Wangji took the bottle out of my hands, a tiny scowl on his face. "Alcohol is forbidden."
"It sure is," I said.
"You drank."
"Yup."
Wangji stood up and walked to the window - and dumped the alcohol in a flower pot sitting on the sill. Then he threw the empty bottle out of the window. I heard a distant splash.
Wei Wuxian and I looked at each other, blank-faced.
Wangji came back over and sat beside me again. "No more alcohol."
"Good job, Wangji," I said at last. "I'll accept punishment in the morning. You need to leave now if you want to make it back to the Jingshi before nine."
The patrols enforced curfew, but they usually let disciples pass if they were heading back to their rooms. Anyone caught out after nine was out of luck, though.
Wangji paused - then looked away from me nonchalantly. He pulled me in closer and rested his chin on my shoulder. "Curfew is soon."
I just said that. "Yes. You should leave if you want to make it."
He ignored me again.
I leaned over, trying to catch his eyes. "Wangji. Wangji. Hey, Wangji, look at me."
He turned his head again.
He was ignoring me.
I accepted this with a roll of my eyes. Wangji wanted to stay over? Fine, whatever. It wasn't like I never slept in the Jingshi.
"Sleepover it is," I said. "Let me go, and I set up the spare bed."
Wangji did not.
"Wangji," I said.
He turned his head, ignoring me again.
"Do you want to sleep on the floor? I will let you sleep on the floor," I said.
He still ignored me.
"A sleep-over sounds like fun!" Wei Wuxian said.
"Ah," I said. "I forgot you were still here."
I paused. I… I didn't mean to say that out loud.
Hm.
That should probably concern me. I was too warm and loose to care, though.
Wei Wuxian spluttered. "Rude! So rude! A-Xi, how could you? Xianxian is appalled at your manners, just atrocious, ah! What would Lan Qiren say? Treating a guest like that, how could you. Treating your guests as an inconvenience is forbidden!"
"Is it," I said. I stood up and dragged Wangji behind me like a particularly heavy shadow. My head swam in the pleasant heat of the alcohol, but I still remembered I needed to drink water. Hangovers were no joke.
"It is!"
"Too bad I don't care."
I paused in the middle of pouring my water. The water dripped into the cup, each drop creating a tiny ripple.
… I didn't mean to say that either. I was saying things without meaning too, and that - that was bad, wasn't it? I couldn't remember why, but it was terrible.
Dread, distant and sour, rose in my heart.
Wei Wuxian laughed, and the sound distracted me from whatever that thought was. He had such a nice laugh. "A member of GusuLan not caring about rules? Be still my beating heart!"
I hummed, then offered Wangji a cup of water.
He looked at it like it was a snake.
"Drink it," I said.
"Not thirsty."
"Don't care. Do it."
"Mn."
"Because you'll regret it in the morning if you don't."
"Tch."
"Don't give me that. Drink it, or you can go back to the Jingshi," I said.
Wangji looked away.
"Wangji," I said, tone firm.
He huffed but took a sip. I rolled my eyes; He was so dramatic. It'd be annoying if I didn't find it so endearing. I could see his shoulders drooping fractionally, a sure sign of his exhaustion. His bedtime was creeping upon him.
"How on earth do you understand Lan Zhan so well?" Wei Wuxian asked, fascinated.
Ah. I forgot he was there again. I should probably stop doing that! Protagonist, or whatever the fuck.
"Practice," I said. "Did you need something, Young Master Wei?"
He grinned at me, head propped up on his hands. "Not going to offer me a drink, A-Xi? How could you be so rude? Are you the Third Jade of Lan, with an attitude like that? "
I felt my face twist in disgust. "Don't call me that."
"You don't like it?"
"No," I said. "It's a stupid name created by stupid people that puts too much pressure on teenagers."
Wei Wuxian laughed silently. He covered his face with his hands, but it wasn't enough to hide the red flush to his skin. "I-is that so?"
God, he was pretty. "That's so. All I want to do is read books and fight monsters. I don't need a fancy reputation to do that."
Sure, reputation was important, but for someone like me, it just... didn't matter. I didn't get it. I couldn't make myself care. The only thing you can rely on in life are your skills. You can't take reputation with you when you die - wouldn't I know that best? Why the fuck should I inconvenience myself for the sake of some faceless mob's opinion?
Shan't. Won't.
Plus, the thought of the attention Wangji got turned towards me made me want to die all over again.
No thanks.
Wei Wuxian tilted his head. "True. I guess I never thought about it like that."
I wasn't surprised.
Cultivator culture - well, Chinese culture - put a lot of emphasis on 'reputation.'
"It is nine," Wangji announced.
Oh shit - I lunged forward just in time. Only my cultivation enhanced reflexes let me catch him before he crumpled to the ground. I was having flashbacks to the first time I slept over at the Jingshi when we were twelve, and Wangji tried to stay awake to read with me.
He just couldn't do it. When nine came around, he was out like a light, no matter what we were doing. It got better as we got older but being drunk messed with Wangji's internal clock.
Wei Wuxian jerked up, half out of his seat. "What happened? Is Lan Zhan okay? Should I get a healer?"
"It's fine. He's just sleeping." I said.
"Eh? Sleeping?"
"It's nine."
Wei Wuxian blinked. "That is... adorable."
It was.
Carefully, I gathered Wangji in a princess carry. He was heavier than the last time I picked him up, but I was a lot stronger than I looked. All those handstands were showing their worth, ha.
Wei Wuxian squeaked.
I ignored him, walked across the room to my bed, and laid Wangji down. Shoes off, belt off, hairpiece out. I hesitated over the forehead ribbon but ultimately decided to leave it. It wasn't for me to touch. Even I got uncomfortable at the idea of anyone handling mine, and I've only had it a fraction of the time Wangji's had his. Finally, I pulled the white blanket over him.
Pale skin, dark hair spread over the sheets, long eyelashes casting shadows on his cheeks - I could only sigh for how pretty Wangji was. It was hard for my stupid, bisexual heart to endure.
I brushed a bit of hair out of his face. "So much trouble."
"It's a good thing he's pretty, huh? Why aren't you taking his ribbon off as well?"
...Keep forgetting Wei Wuxian! Why?!
Thank god I don't blush easy. I straighten the sheets to give myself a moment. Emotions, what emotions? Bros tucked their bros into bed all the time. It was no biggie. I crushed my softer feelings into a ball and casually tossed it over my shoulders. Blushing? Me?
Certainly not.
I returned to the table. Wei Wuxian watched me sit with a quirk to one side of his mouth. I distrusted it instantly.
I eyed him warily. "Only parents and spouses may remove the ribbon, Young Master Wei. It would be an unforgivable breach of trust to touch it without his express permission."
He blinked. "What?"
"Yes. Really. You should return to your dorms, Young Master Wei," I said. "You have classes in the morning."
Wei Wuxian glanced at Wangji asleep on the bed, shuffled closer, and pulled a second jar out of nowhere, a sly smile tucked into the corner of his pretty mouth. He offered the pot to me as if presenting a great gift.
Slowly, I took the jar and inspected it. It was full.
"...Do you have a qikuan pouch sewn into your sleeve?" I asked. Seriously, how did he hide not one, but two jars of liquor like that?
It made no sense.
Wei Wuxian grinned. "No, but that's an amazing idea! How would that even work? You have such interesting ideas, A-Xi. If you let me stay, I'll share my very last jar of emperors' smile with you, ah! Don't kick me out in the cold now. What if I got lost on the way to the dorms? What if I caught a cold and died? What would be said about GusuLan hospitality then? I think that it would be unfortunate for such a good looking young man to die so young, and I'd have no choice but to come back as a ghost and haunt you," With every sentence, Wei Wuxian leaned closer over the table until Wei Wuxian sprawled over it. He looked up at me through long, long eyelashes. "That's what will happen, A-Xi! You'll have to deal with a ghost touching your stuff and playing the erhu badly. Is that what you want?"
...I would not fight the protagonist, no matter how annoying he was.
I would not.
I sighed. "Young Maste Wei, I don't think that's a good idea -"
"I'll help you with those talismans you were working on," Wei Wuxian said.
Fuck.
Now that was a tempting offer. I'd been stuck for days, and Wei Wuxian was a proven genius. He'd be able to help.
From the look smug look on his stupid, pretty face, he knew it too.
I would not fight the protagonist.
I would, however, indulge in an eye-roll. "You may stay until the jar is empty, Young Master Wei."
Wei WuXian silver eyes lit up. He bowed to me. "Many thanks, Young Master Yan."
Whatever.
In the words of our Lady of Bombastic Confidence, Lizzo: blame it on the juice.
:::
The talisman talk lasted half a jar. Don't get me wrong - Wei Wuxian lived up to his future reputation as a master of invention. Most of his ideas were straight-up insane, or stupid, or impractical with my skill level, but some of his suggestions helped me solve a few of my problems.
Then, with the alcohol flowing freely, Wei Wuxian turned to talk of romance.
God save me from fucking teenagers.
"Are you sure you don't want to marry my Jiejie, A-Xi?" Wei Wuxian asked.
"No."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"Really, really?"
I rolled my eyes at him again. "Really, really."
He grinned at me. "A-Xi is so tender, so manly! Good with children and with taking care of people, ah, how could any woman resist? My Jiejie is the best woman - no, the best person in the world, I promise! You're much better and handsomer than that stupid peacock. Won't you at least consider it?"
"Not interested," I said bluntly.
Jian Yanli was lovely, sure, but - canon characters were a no go.
Wei Wuxian slumped across the table. "Pretty, pretty please, A-xi? I promise to only humiliate you a little at the wedding! I won't even make you eat any peppers! Please, please, please! I don't want to be related to any Jin. You're my only hope."
Understandable.
But still no.
I ignored him and took another sip of the emperors' smile. Wei Wuxian was much more tolerable with the warmth of the alcohol in my veins, dulling the horrible awareness that he'd be dead in less than five years. My panic was almost bearable! I was dizzy from how light I felt without constant, nagging anxiety to ground me.
The room was warm, the light low and gold in the gentle glow of a light talisman - Wei Wuxian and I invented it in ten minutes when we grew annoyed with trying to read in the flickering candlelight. It left most of the room in shadow; it was like Wei Wuxian, and I sat at a table floating in a dark sea.
Somewhere beyond the dark, Wangji slept.
"Nope," I said.
He sighed mournfully. "Ah, I suppose my broken heart will mend. Eventually."
And then. My fucking mouth says: "I might want a husband too. How come you always focus on wives?"
Briefly, I consider strangling myself with my hair.
Wei Wuxian's eyes grow wide, and his mouth drops open.
I close my eyes.
If I can't see it, it's not happening.
"Forget I said that," I said hopelessly.
"A-Xi, you're a cutsleeve?" Wei Wuxian whispered-shrieked.
Fuck. He wasn't going to forget about it.
"Technically, I like both men and women," because - whatever. If I'm digging my own grave, I might as well make as deep as possible.
Wei Wuxian bolted upright. "Eh? Eh? That's a thing? Can you - can you do that? Is that allowed?"
"Allowed by who?" I asked. "It's not like there's some sort of moral council that you have to ask before you decide if you like someone. You like who you like. There's nothing anyone can do about it."
"I - I guess? How does it feel to be attracted to men? I've never thought about it before," Wei Wuxian whispered.
I was acutely aware of Wangji sleeping across the room. Buddy, you say that now.
"There's no difference between liking men and liking women," I said. "It feels the same - it's just preferences, I guess. You can like both lotus pods and meat buns without preferring one over the other."
"Oh? Well, maybe, if you're somehow immune to my Shijie, you could marry someone else from the Jiang instead?" Wei Wuxian said. "Say, someone who's charming and handsome and great at talismans?" Wow, he bounced back fast, straight from shock to flirting. That was the protagonist for you.
"No way," I said with zero hesitation.
Wei Wuxian screeched in outrage. "What? Why not? I'm sexy, charming, and funny! I'm a great catch, just ask anyone - okay, don't ask Jiang Cheng, because he'd tell you a bunch of lies."
I can't believe that this was the most extended conversation I'd ever had with Wei Wuxian.
"You're not my type," I said.
It was only a little bit of a lie.
"What is your type, then?" Wei Wuxian demanded.
I sighed dreamily, too drunk to lie. "Nie Mingjue."
Wei Wuxian blinked, and his gaze flicked to the bed, then back to me. "That is - not what I expected you to say. Nie Huisaing's older brother? Why him?"
I pointed at Wei Wuxian. "That man," I said, "Could crush my head between his thighs like a watermelon. His biceps are the size of my head. His abbs have abbs. He is so hot."
Do you know when people in my past life used to ask where the beef was? Nie Mingjue had it. Nie Mingjue had the beef. I'd seen him a few times while he was visiting Lan Xichen, and oh my fucking god. Holy fuck. Every time he came around, I had to excuse myself before I got, like, the vapors or some shit. He fit my type so much that it felt like a personal attack on me.
Wei Wuxian's eyes narrowed. "Do you like muscles?"
"Competence is sexy," I said. "Broad shoulders help. That ass, too. Mm. Good stuff."
I was a weak, weak human, and Nie Mingjue was built.
"How did you know you liked both men and women?" Wei Wuxian asked, clearly fascinated.
"Well, I looked at a guy and thought, hey, I'd suck his dick," I said. "Then I looked at a woman and thought that her boobs were great. It's not that complicated,"
Wei Wuxian let out a bark of laughter, liquor sloshing over his cup, onto his hand.
I looked at the alcohol in my hand, suspicious. I... had not meant to say that. How strong was this stuff? I remember being pretty good with liquor in my previous life, but this was a brand new. I was going to have to learn my limits, and, from what I could already tell, it was pretty low.
...Add another point to being one-quarter Lan. The tally was getting worryingly high. I didn't want to be related to that weird old man. He always smiled like he was laughing at me.
"A-Xi! Such language! What would Lan Zhan say?"
"Probably 'Ruizhi. Do not swear," I dropped my voice in imitation.
More laughter. "That sounds exactly like him. Amazing! If A-Xi ever gets tired of being a cultivator, he could become a performer. Y-you," Wei Wuxian's voice cracked. "You - um. You already..."
"What, fucked someone? No," I said. "Not yet, anyway."
Not in this lifetime, or with this body. Another thing I had to take care of. I knew some pretty cool prostitutes in Caiyi town, male and female, and I had plenty of money.
Wei Wuxian leaned in, face tinted pink. "Really? Do you have anyone in mind? A crush? A woman, or a-a man? I promise I won't tell anyone if you do."
I snorted. "Who has time for that?"
"Really? You haven't even thought about kissing anyone?"
"Nope."
With the looming plot on the horizon, I was barely a step away from full-blown meltdown any given day.
Wei Wuxian swung a drink directly from the jug and then leaned his head on his hands, grinning at me with mischief in his eyes. "Then shall Wei-gege volunteer himself, ah?"
Wei Wuxian wasn't serious. There was delight in his eyes like he was telling a joke - as if I would never consider him seriously.
Usually, he'd be right.
There were ten-thousand reasons it was a fucking terrible idea, but fuck if I could remember any of them.
Right now, the Emperor's smile whispered in my ears; it spoke about how soft Wei Wuxian's eyes were in the dim light, how full his mouth, how our legs brushed under the table - each shift a spark that could ignite a fire inside me. A drop of alcohol dripped from the corner of his mouth, tracing a path down his graceful neck and disappearing into the collar of his robes.
God, he was pretty.
It was so unfair. I was being personally attacked.
I mirrored Wei Wuxian's pose. "Oh? Is that so?"
"Of course! It'd be a shame if your future spouse was disappointed by the Third Jade's kissing skills! This Wei-gege will, of course, volunteer to be the first sacrifice -"
I didn't wait for him to finish. I reached across the table and captured one of his hands in my own. His voice cut off.
I brought the hand up to my mouth and pressed my lips to it. I glanced up, watching Wei Wuxian through my eyelashes - something my grandmother taught me. Wei Wuxian's silver eyes were wide. His face was bright red.
Pretty.
Gently, I turned his hand over and laid another lingering kiss on the inside of his wrist. Temptation got the best of me; I let my tongue flick out to taste the salt on his skin.
Wei Wuxian squeaked and ripped his wrist out of my hands.
I snorted and propped my head on my hands. "You want me to kiss you, but you can't even handle that level of flirting?" I smirked at him. "Shame on you, Wei-gege."
He flushed more, the red spreading down his neck, past his color. Mm. It was a good look on him.
Wei Wuxian pointed at me, his other hand cradled to his chest. You'd think I stabbed it rather than kissed it, the drama queen. "You - you - rude! Rude! L-lewd and terrible, just kissing someone like that without permission! "
"Sure, sure." I took another sip of emperor's smile. "If you keep yelling, you're going to wake Wangji -"
Wangji.
Fuck.
Cold sobriety hit me with the force of a sword pommel to the jaw, dousing the fire of the alcohol. I almost dropped my cup. I felt the blood draining from my face.
I suddenly was very, very aware of Wangji's soft breathing.
What the fuck was I doing?
"Yan Ruizhi?" Wei Wuxian asked. "Are you alright? You're pale."
"I'm fine," I said, voice weak. "I think it's time for you to go, Young Master Wei."
Wei Wuxian and I stared at each other in a moment that seemed to last an eternity.
:::
When I woke up, it was with Wangji's hair in my mouth and cold sweat dripping down my forehead. A heartbeat into awareness, and my heart was already racing because - What the fuck. What the fuck was that? The previous night played in a loop in my head.
Flirting with the protagonist! Drinking! Kissing his wrist! Aaaahh, fuck! Thinking things about Wei Wuxian, something that wouldn't ever happen just because - because what, I wanted too? Like that gave me some sort of right to throw myself at him? To get between Wangji and his future husband? Was I stupid, setting myself up for heartbreak? Setting Wangji up for heartbreak? Hurting Wangji in such a fundamental way?
I rolled over and tried to smother myself with a pillow. Death was the only way out of this horrible, horrible mistake.
I was never drinking again.
Wangji breathed softly next to me. His hair trailed over my shoulder. I looked at him, still asleep, and let out a trembling breath. I could still feel the hammering of Wei Wuxian's heartbeat under my fingertips.
A grim certainty settled in my heart.
I was getting complacent.
Forgetting my place in this narrative
Namely: I didn't have one.
I was student A, Wangji's passing friend in the background; no one of importance. I had to be. Changing anything - everything I changed could kill someone.
(...Someone who wasn't meant to die, like Jin Zixuan, or Jiang Cheng's family, or Nie Mingjue - My stomach rolled. I knew more people were destined to die than I didn't. I closed my eyes against nausea. It was just a hangover.
I was fine.)
I only needed to focus on my talismans.
Five must've ticked around while I thought because Wangji stirred.
I froze.
Shit.
It was too late to move now.
Wangji turned his head and met my eyes.
He flinched back so fast, and his head hit the wall behind him with a solid thunk. His hand slammed up to his forehead ribbon - only letting out a trembling sigh when he found it in place.
(Ouch. Was waking up next to me that shocking?
...I tried not to take it personally.)
"Ruizhi?" Wangji's face was paler than his wrinkled uniform. "What…"
"Wei Wuxian," I said.
It was enough explanation.
Wangji's jaw clenched in a way I knew meant he was furious. "I will report to uncle."
"We will."
"Ruizhi did not drink."
I sighed. "Ruizhi did. Ruizhi drank more than Wangji did."
He stared at me.
"Wei Wuxian had another bottle, and I was curious," I said, too disappointed with myself to be embarrassed. Saying my reasoning out loud made it sound that much weaker. So fucking stupid. "We'll take our punishments together."
Seriously.
Flirting with the protagonist.
I was a fucking moron.
:::
Lan Qiren was, predictably, fucking furious.
He had Wei Wuxian dragged out of bed and dragged to punishments before classes even started.
While we were waiting for Wei Wuxian in the courtyard, I took Lan Qiren aside.
I bowed deeply. "This student would like to enter seclusion after punishment, Shifu, to further reflect on my wrongs."
Lan Qiren's frown was audible. "This is your first major offense, Ruizhi. Seclusion on top of the discipline board would be far too harsh. Absolutely not."
Fuck.
My bow deepened. "This student asks Shifu to please reconsider. This one feels that certain - outside influences are distracting this one from his goals. Seclusion would be -"
"Ruizhi, I have made my decision," Lan Qiren said. "You returned to the Cloud Recesses only a month ago. To enter seclusion so soon after such a grueling year would pose a threat to your cultivation. Not to mention with injuries from your upcoming punishment! My answer is final."
Double fuck.
I don't get a chance to argue further. Wei Wuxian was dragged into the courtyard by two stone-faced Lan disciples.
"-Don't see why we couldn't do this late, ah, it's far too early for this! Oh, Lan Zhan, A-Xi!" Wei Wuxian waved at the two of us. He seemed to have forgotten all about his embarrassment last night, and I was pathetically grateful.
Lan Qiren looked at Wei Wuxian with deep dislike. Yikes. "Kneel, and accept your punishment. Alcohol is forbidden in the Cloud Recesses. You have broken this rule, along with," He sighed. "Yan Ruizhi and Lan Wangji.
He gave Wangji and me a betrayed look. "You told him? Why?" Then he blinked. "Wait, why is Lan Zhan being punished? It was my idea to drink."
"Drank. Will accept punishment," Wangji said.
"But I made you drink! That's unfair! You shouldn't be punished for my actions!"
"Enough," Lan Qiren snapped. "Wangji will accept his punishment. The fault may be yours, but his actions are still his own."
"But, it's not fair -"
"Then perhaps this will induce you to think before you act in such a reprehensible way. Your actions have consequences on the people around you," Lan Qiren said. Wei Wuxian flinched. "Something that you still need to learn. Kneel and accept your punishment, Wei Wuxian."
Mulishly, Wei Wuxian knelt between Wangji and me.
I sat straight, ignoring Wei Wuxain's existence.
The discipline courtyard looked different from on my knees. I'd walked through it countless times, but this was my first serious breaking of the rules. Other disciples watched from the edges, still and quiet.
The punishment began.
One, two, three, four -
The stone was smooth and cold under my knees. I kept my body relaxed, moving with the blows. Wangji knelt on my right side, his back straight; His eyes were distant. The only sign of pain was his hands clenched on his knees.
I shook my head on the inside, breathing through another blow. On Wangji's other side, Wei Wuxian made little pained noises. The disciple beating him wasn't holding back. One of Wangji's fans upset at seeing his idol brought low, perhaps?
Breath in. Breath out.
Lan Qiren watched the beating from beginning to end. His blank face was good, but I was used to Wangji level neutrality. I could read the pain in his eyes. He didn't like doing this any more than I liked being beaten. Still, he was a teacher and an elder. He could be partial when it came to classes, but punishments were set in stone.
The few exceptions: the very young, the dying, and the pregnant would have their sentences reduced. In exchange, they were forced into seclusion. Family members and spouses could also offer themselves up to share the punishment because it shows familial love and piety.
Lan Xichen, standing to the side, obviously wanted to offer, but sect leaders and sect heirs weren't permitted to share punishments. It was a rule that came from the fact that it could be viciously abused if it didn't exist. Even GusuLan has its share of in-fighting, and Wangji's branch of the family didn't always lead the sect.
I counted the strokes. Each crack of the discipline board against my back felt like a brand of fire. It rolled over my body like a wave breaking on a shore—a natural ebb and flow of liquid fire. The pain was an old friend by now. I'd been punched, bitten, burned, cursed, broken bones, and, on one memorable occasion, impaled. The pain was inevitable, and one had to be able to work through it. The discipline board hurt, but compared to being impaled - it was bearable.
By now, I could simply treat it as background noise. Unimportant.
Ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen -
Instead, a question: could I, with enough practice, make healing myself a natural response?
My golden core rotated slowly in my chest. It felt like a globe of warm light, layer upon layer built up gradually over a lifetime. A golden core was - indescribable. Having one meant that I was never really cold or tired. I carried a light inside me.
(If it went out -
The very thought made me want to vomit.)
Over my years of night hunting, I'd been hurt countless times. Each time I healed, I imprinted the gesture, the will of it, on my core. It wasn't sentient - but it was part of me. I didn't like pain, and I wanted it to stop. I wanted it - and therefore, my core wanted it.
Carefully, I let go of my careful control, like relaxing a clenched fist.
The tiniest wisp of spiritual energy drifted off my core. It was thinner than spider silk and twice as fragile. Still, I followed it closely, never touching it, never guiding it. The golden thread drifted through my veins. It was moving towards my back, achingly slow.
The plank came down again.
Twenty, Twenty-one, Twenty-Two.
Like a warm breeze, the thread reached my back. A startled breath escaped me at the sudden cessation of pain.
It worked.
A giddy, bubbling feeling rose up inside me.
Perfect.
After the punishment concluded, Lan Xichen gave us a sympathetic look. "I think a half-day for classes could be arranged. You might visit the cold springs?"
Wangji executed a perfect bow. "Wangji will obey."
"Take Young Master Wei as well, won't you?"
"Cold springs?" Wei Wuxian asked.
Lan Xichen smiled. "A special place reserved for GusuLan direct disciples. They promote healing and clear the mind."
"I could use some healing. I can't believe you just told your uncle about A-Xi and me," Wei Wuxian complained at Wangji. He held his body stiffly. "How mean, how boring, how stuffy! Don't you know how long this will take to heal? If you just kept quiet, none of us would've gotten punished, ah!"
Wangji remained stoic. He took a step back when Wei Wuxian stepped closer.
Wei Wuxian gasped, looking mortally offended. "Lan Zhan, are you ignoring me? How cruel!" He slumped neatly into my arms, like a fainting maiden. "A-Xi, your friend is so mean to me! You must tell him off, ah, don't let him get away with this! Rudeness is forbidden, or something."
I looked down at my armful of Wei Wuxian and felt myself make a face. I don't know what face I made, but it sure happened. His hair trailed across my hands, and it still felt like raw silk. He met my gaze with eyes like silver coins in the light, and I could almost taste the liquor on my tongue again. I dragged my gaze down, landing on his soft-looking mouth.
I could kiss him.
...I'm going to brain myself with a rock. It's the only way. Rip me, Wangji gets all my shit. If I lived in a culture that did gravestones, I'd make it say 'here lies Yan Xi, a total moron who doesn't listen to his stupid advice.' Embarrassment skittered up my back like a spider, and I can feel both my face heating up and the cold of Wangji's attention on the back of my head.
My only salvation was that Wangi remembered nothing from last night. He doesn't have any memory of me, Flirting! With! The Protagonist!
Wei Wuxian is not for kissing.
Wei Wuxian is not for anything!
"Please remove yourself, Young Master Wei," I said, voice strained. I wanted to drop him on his ass, but there were still people around and - well. I doubt he knew how to heal himself. He still had to be feeling the effects of the beating.
I may not want to be around Wei Wuxian but also didn't want to hurt him.
He'd have enough of that in the future.
Wei Wuxian pouted and wrapped his arms around my neck. It brought our faces very, very close together. There were flecks of dark gray in the silver of his eyes. "Ah, don't treat me so coldly, A-Xi? Aren't we already so close?"
Too! Close!
"Wei Ying," Wangji said, voice low and warning. "Shameless!"
Lan Xichen almost frowned. "Young Master Wei, that is a bit inappropriate."
Wei Wuxian laughed. "It's fine, it's fine! A-Xi is strong enough to hold us both up! Must be all that sword work, right?"
Wei Wuxian then proceeded to feel up my bicep.
Wangji went deathly still. I swear the temperature dropped a full ten degrees.
Wei Wuxian seemed too absorbed feeling me up to notice. Dude, you're going to get me chord assassinated if you don't quit it!
I know I started this game of gay chicken last night, but I admit my defeat!
Wangji had a-Rockin' bod, on top of being straight-up the prettiest Lan to ever Lan. Please turn your attention that-away!
"Wei Ying," Wangji bit out.
Wei Wuxian seemed to realize what he was doing, feeling me up in front of all the fucking disciples, Lan Xichen and Lan fucking Qiren, because he dropped my arm like it burnt him, and sprang back from me. He glanced at me and flushed red enough to match his ribbon.
He coughed, folding his hands behind his back. "U-uh. Yeah, those are some arms, alright!"
I stared at him.
What the fuck.
Wasn't Wei Wuxian supposed to be shameless? Who was this flustered creature before me, the one showing off how pretty his flush was?
I'm the one who got groped, so why do you look like a harassed maiden?
Who are you, and what have you done with Wei Wuxian?
I watched as Wei Wuxian proceeded to babble about how good I smelled, how good Wangji smelled, how smart I was, how talented, how nice (nice?!) I was, and how surprisingly sexy I was for someone so cute, how capable with a sword I was, etcetera. Wei Wuxian looked progressively more horrified about the things coming out of his mouth.
I felt for him.
I was also horrified.
It was like watching a train wreck. An embarrassing, flattering, train wreck of compliments directed at me - and Wangji sometimes - but mostly at me. It was surreal. I couldn't stop him any more than I could turn off gravity. My limbs and head felt ten times heavier than they should be.
Was this shock?
Was I having a heart attack?
I only flirted a little bit! How was he this much of a mess?
Wei Wuxian, you are a genuine, Hanguang-jun approved snack! People must have flirted with you before! I know that you have flirted with people before!
What was going on?
Protagonist, are you going to be okay?
Wangji's spine grew straighter, and his chin was raised with each word that dropped out of Wei Wuxian's mouth.
My head felt too light, and I felt dizzy. Was this how I died? Murdered by the hand of my best friend because his man decided to mack on me? If Wangji kills me in a fit of husbandly rage, I'm going to haunt the fuck out of Wei Wuxian. I never went through a calming soul ceremony, and I could do it.
"-and you can stop me anytime now!" Wei Wuxian said, slightly out of breath. He looked like he wanted to bury himself alive.
Hard the same!
Wangji bristled like the world's most beautiful hedgehog. "Shameless! Utterly shameless!"
"Yes," Lan Qiren said, his voice like ice. "Quite so."
Lan Xichen's eyes flickered between Wangji, Wei Wuxian, and I. His mouth was pursed - unsmiling for once.
"Hm." He said.
Fear greater than anything I'd ever known filled me. Hm? What hm? Why hm?
Wei Wuxian buried his face in his hands. "I know," He whined. "I know. Just give me my punishment and put me out of my misery."
My entire head felt like it was on fire. Wangji stood like a stone obelisk, radiating rage. He stepped forward and moved between Wei Wuxian and me so that I couldn't see Wei Wuxain at all.
Lan Qiren looked at me, and I stared back at him.
"Seclusion," I pleaded, as a prisoner might beg for mercy.
Please help me, Lan Qiren; you're my only hope.
Lan Qiren glanced at Wei Wuxian with distaste. "I suspect that would be for the best. You are dismissed, Ruizhi. As for you, Wei Wuxian -"
Thank god.
I escaped.
:::
Erhu Name: 妒忌盲 - Dijuwang - to envy the blind (to be jealous of the shortsighted, to go along with the farsighted 智 Zhi in his name)
妒忌 - dùjì - to be jealous of (sb's achievements etc.) / to be envious / envy
盲 - máng, wàng - blind; unperceptive, shortsighted
Guqin name: 留恋 - liúliàn - reluctant to leave / to hate to have to go / to recall fondly - referring to his reluctance to leave the lan, specifically wangji, which is also the name of wangj's guqin! It's sappy as hell! I love it.
:::
*waves* hey long time no write. irl decided to kick my ass for several weeks in a row, and i've been in and out of the hospital for at least a moth (not covid, just my body being jacked up) and also i have exams like every week now. so that's fun. i finished this instead of doing my homework.
you're welcome.
if anyone wants progress or extra stuff, i usually answer questions on my tumblr! it's the same name there and here and pretty much everywhere i'm at, honestly. drop by, say hello!