excerpt from Bound for company by Nora Finnigan
I think I have proven to you, dear reader, that under threat of a physical altercation, my fight or flight sense lands on the former. Unfortunately, when under threat of heartbreak, it tends to land on the latter.
There was a moment, when I was throwing mean boys and my own friends into bodybinds when I thought I had found my bravery and everything was going to change. I thought I was finally going to love myself and get the boy, but the adrenaline high wore off sooner rather than later. It was in the depths of my lows, sitting in the hospital wing with Madam Janzen yelling at me to take better care of my body, that I realized nothing had changed at all.
I convinced myself I would always be the scared little girl who just happened to be wicked with a wand. Thankfully, I was wrong.
But that'll come later.
end excerpt
December 18, 2022
I rush through the Hufflepuff common room on the way to meet Rose at breakfast. Afraid of the sight of James or Howie or even Alfie sitting on a settee or playing chess or waiting for my arrival, I open the first barrel-lid door without a glance as to whom I might find. I run up the staircase and open the second barrel lid. I recognize the shape of someone standing just outside it but tear past them on a mission to Rose.
"Nora!" Deidre shouts.
I breathe a sigh of relief as I recognize my friend's voice, but my heart jumps into my throat when I turn around and find James standing next to her.
"Rose said everyone should meet at breakfast," Deidre tells me as she weaves her arm into mine. "James and I were just debating if I should run back inside and wake you up. But here you are!"
Deidre's cheerfulness is a welcome change to her recent gloom. I'd celebrate it if I weren't on the verge of an attack, so I just nod and gesture for her to lead the way.
"Less of a debate and more of a suggestion from Deidre mere seconds before you burst out the door," James comments.
Deidre hums in agreement. I ignore him.
The walk toward the Great Hall feels like an eternity as Deidre chats my ear off about this and that. It seems this is the first morning she has woken in a state other than grief, and I immerse myself in the joy of it as much as I can stand. There is still a large part of me trying to make out James's every move without looking at him.
I stop walking with the Great Hall straight ahead and the Entrance Hall and its giant doors visible to my right like a beacon of escape to my anxious mind. Deidre almost trips.
"I have to — " I start to say, but the heart currently and harshly pulsating in my throat is making coherent speech difficult.
"Nora?" James takes a step towards us.
I fight a flinch.
"I have to do something first," I lie.
"If this is about Louis," Deidre starts, "I'd have to believe he's too embarrassed to show."
With a shrug and shake of my head, I untangle myself from her, repeat, "I have to do something first," and rush toward the doors, slamming them open before running into freshly fallen snow.
.
December 19, 2022
I avoided James throughout the rest of Sunday before retiring to my dormitory and packing my trunk. It was mostly done anyway, as I keep my sweaters and trousers in there year round, my dresses and shirts hung neatly in the half sized wardrobe. There are two full-sized ones in the dormitory as well, shared by my dormmates. I wonder if Deidre keeps the other half of hers empty where Indra's clothes would have hung.
This morning, though, I have no excuse good enough to get out of stuffing myself in a carriage with James, Rose, Deidre, and I assume Albus. Maybe Louis if this universe is thoroughly interested in my punishment for whatever mistake it decides I have made.
I tug on the zippered edges of my jacket to gain some composure before pulling my trunk from under my bed as Deidre exits the bathroom. She pulls a large, thick jumper over her head, and wraps a giant plaid scarf around her neck. She completes the look with a black, wool beret.
"I haven't seen you much since Saturday night," she comments. "You ran out of castle so fast yesterday morning and then never showed at breakfast."
"I've been… busy," I lie. "I have stuff."
"It's the end of term, Nora. There's nothing to do."
"Yes, well…" I pull on the handle of my trunk. "We better get to the carriages."
"You mean the entrance hall," she tells me, grabbing her own trunk. "We're meeting James and Rose in the entrance hall."
"Right."
"What's wrong?" she asks, laying her trunk back down. "What's going on with you?"
I breathe out air I hadn't noticed I was holding, and, after my trunk drops to the ground with a thud, I blurt, "After Louis kissed me, James came to find me, and I think I told him I wish it had been him who kissed me but now I'm not sure."
Lenny and Franci left minutes earlier, probably meeting Aflie and Howie. The ice between us is thawing, however slowly, but I can't fathom revealing to them my mistakes in love or like or whatever this thing is.
"You're not sure?" Deidre inquires lightly. There is a hint of shock on her face, but she covers it quickly.
"When it happened, I was going through stuff and the drug was affecting my senses, like, a lot. In the moment, I was convinced I had just thought it, especially since he didn't say anything in return, but…" I breathe in and fight back tears. I feel so silly, crying over words I may or may have not said. I feel less silly when I understand I want to cry over their possible consequences. I continue, "Yesterday morning, when I awoke, I remembered things differently. I remembered saying it aloud."
"But you're not sure," Deidre reiterates. "You may not have said it."
"He didn't say anything in return," I repeat.
"Honestly, though, if someone said that to you," Deidre says carefully, "would you have anything to say in return?"
I stare at her for a moment, thinking about universes in which I said it aloud and others where I didn't. I wonder which one this is.
"We have to go meet them."
I lift my trunk once more and gesture for Deidre to walk out the door.
.
James and Rose wait for us further away from the doors than other students clustered in groups. The latter talks animatedly while the former listens intentionally. I take a moment to solidify my composure; Deidre places a hand on my shoulder just before I continue.
Rose greets us each with a hug, her lipstick, nails, and sweater a rich shade of red I try not to liken to blood. It suits her, but she has yet to find a shade of red which doesn't.
Just as James reaches out to touch me or say something, maybe a simple greeting or a request for a private conversation, I am saved from finding out at the exclamation of my name from Natalia's lips across the hall.
It is a far cry from anytime James has ever said my name, whether whispered or at full volume. I try not to let the rest of this universe pale in comparison to everything he is.
"Morning," I say, meeting her halfway as she walks toward me.
"You look cozy today," she comments, looking at my all black outfit of thick materials.
I feel a little insecure about my lack of makeup and wild hair, but the way she looks at me with a fascinated smile lessens the load.
"Excited for the holiday?" I ask with the beginnings of a blush creeping outward from my nose.
"Very," she replies. "I was actually hoping we could set something up during the break and hang out in a less pressured situation, as you put it."
"Oh." I try not to sound too surprised. "Yes, um, how about the 29th? I know that's a little over a week from now, but my parents can be a bit possessive whenever I return home."
"Sounds lovely, but I have no idea where you live or where we could meet."
"I live in a little wizarding town in Ireland," I tell her, "but I could very easily get to London if you can."
"I live just outside it!" she exclaims. Her excitement feels contagious. "Let me get your address for owling, and we can work out the finer details, yeah?"
Natalia pulls out a pen and some parchment, and I write down my address. She tells me she'll write me hers for return when she owls me. We part ways with smiles, and when I return to my small group, Rose looks at me with disappointment. We pick up our trunks and begin the walk to the carriages.
I avoid James's eye.
.
On the train, Albus finds us to say he's sitting with Emma and some of her friends. Rose throws him an obvious wink as he goes, and Albus sends her back a half-hearted glare.
I think he must know we're all rooting for him to get the girl.
Rose extends her leg across the bench she's sharing with James, her feet resting on his thighs as opens his sketchbook. I am thankful for his own distraction, making it easier for me to avoid his gaze. My heartbeat is quick, and my heart is warm.
We spend the beginning in a comfortable silence, jackets forgotten behind our torsos, Rose napping, James drawing, Deidre reading, and me slightly opening the window I am settled next to and smoking a cigarette as I take in the countryside scenery. Hogwarts and Hogsmeade's location is secret, tucked into the folds of our world by magic. It's frightening sometimes to realize I have no idea where in the country I am.
Deidre performs a warming charm to keep the frigid air from blanketing our little compartment in cold.
After Rose wakes from her nap, she sits up, swinging her legs until her feet touch the floor. She asks Deidre to pull out her radio and place some soothing songs, and Deidre obliges, turning the small tuning knob until it lands on a station she recognizes. She hums along to lyricless songs she would have made fun of when we were younger.
I sit back and try letting the unknown melody wash over me. I have a hard time immersing myself in songs I do not know, a trait Rose and Deidre do not share. There is a slight discomfort beneath the way I bob my head along to the music, until there isn't. The unfamiliar, instrumental ends and transitions seamlessly into a song I remember fondly from Christmases before. My mother would make my father perform a spell on the radio in our kitchen just so she could sing along as he protested to its sadness at such a merry time of year.
It's coming on Christmas; they're cutting down trees; they're putting up reindeer and singing songs of joy and peace; oh, I wish I had a river I could skid away on.
I find myself, eyes closed, singing along, however softly, to the words I have heard many times. I open them to chance a look at James and find him staring back at me, the beginnings of a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. I breathe in and close my eyes once more.
.
"I'll tell you all one thing," Rose says with a piece of licorice sticking out of her mouth, "I am not excited for Hugo to be my only company in the mornings."
"What about your parents?" Deidre asks.
"Mum always has to be doing something —" Rose huffs — "and Dad can't be bothered to wake before noon if he doesn't have work."
"Nora's parents are both early risers," Deidre tells her, nudging me with a smile. "And I mean early. When we were little, they'd be playing music by six in the morning while dancing in the kitchen."
"It's true," I laugh. "Sometimes they'd sneak us out of bed in the middle of the night, mix themselves fancy drinks, give us little nonalcoholic versions, and have us dance with them."
"My parents were none the wiser," Deidre remarks.
"So you're excited to go home?" Rose asks. "Because I would be with parents like that."
"I guess," I sigh, "but everything was still a bit awkward with Jane moving home when I left in September."
"Jane moved home?" Deidre turns to me.
"Things got a bit… bad again."
Deidre was still my best friend when everything with Jane and my family's dynamic began to change, so she knows what I'm speaking of. Rose has bits and pieces, however tiny and scattered, and they give her a good idea of the traumas the story holds.
I can't help myself and look at James to gauge a reaction, but I see nothing in his eyes. I both yearn for a conversation and want to avoid him at all costs.
I don't look away as quickly as I desire.
.
I step onto the platform before my friends, having rushed to grab my trunk, and walk across the platform until I find my parents and Jane. I wonder how often they let her out of their sight.
"Nora!" My dad yells despite already understanding I've spotted them.
I silently wave, trudging along with my heavy trunk which surprisingly becomes lighter as I feel a hand close over my own. I look behind me to find a mop of brown hair. My heartbeat speeds up in my chest as I think of James, but then Albus lifts his head to throw me a lazy smile.
"You looked like you were struggling," he says.
We walk the rest of the way to my parents, where Dad slaps Albus on the back without checking his strength. Albus looks as though he is pretending he didn't just get the wind knocked out of him as my dad asks him about his family.
"We should get going," Mum tells me, turning away from my father like it's a secret. "Your father decided it's a driving year."
Sometimes, Dad decides that instead of a portkey — which is the case most years — he wants to drive and see the countryside underneath the beautiful winter snow. Mum, who sees magic as a gift not to be taken for granted, is always asking why he constantly wants to revert back to the longer and harder way of doing things. It always sparks a long discussion and every once in a while ignites a fight.
Mum places a silent hand on Dad's shoulder, and Jane pulls our old music player from her pocket. As Dad leans down to grab my trunk, Albus holds me back with a serious look in his eyes. I look at my family to see my parents in the beginnings of a discussion and Jane looking at us curiously. I hold up a single finger, and she nods, putting her earbuds in place.
"You know, Nora, I'm the only one James talks to," he says with a quirk of his head, "but you're the only one who can give him clarity on this one."
"On this what?" I ask, frustrated with my own lack of bravery. I can see James a few mere strides away, smiling as his mum ruffles his hair and points to his leather jacket. "I'm sorry," I lie, "but I have no idea what you're talking about."
I turn in place and catch up to Jane, who watches me carefully before averting her gaze. Dad throws a pun or a joke or something our way just before we talk through the pillar and into the muggle world.
Jane pulls out her cellphone and types a text message without putting in a contact to receive it. She pases the phone to me with the screen still lit.
There seemed to be some tension between you and the little Potter boy,
I erase her message and type my own in return.
Not him, the older one.
A small smile tugs at Jane's lips. She types another message and places the phone in my hands without looking at me. I see Mum turn back and smile at our conspiring. She says we never had sibling rivalry because of the large gap in our years, but thinks we might suffer it in bits when we're older and our lives are in the same place.
I'm not surprised you're more interested in the quiet, brooding one.
I read the message and laugh out loud. Jane nudges my shoulder with her arm. I type back quickly.
A lot has happened recently, and the question now is whether or not he returns the interest.
Janes considers my words before typing back.
Well, you'll just have to tell me ~everything~ at home so we can figure it out.
I return the phone without responding as we find the car. Dad holds open the back door for us, and I slide in and across the bench before Jane follows. Dad walks around the car and sits in front of me, starting the engine and turning up the heat.
"Nora," Mum says, turning around to look at me, "I thought you said Rose and you might start running this year."
Jane unplugs her earbuds from the music player and plugs them into a splitter. After plugging that back into the player, she pulls out a second pair of earbuds to plug into the splitter as well. She hands them to me, again without a word, and throws me a knowing look.
Just before I place the buds into my ears, I look at my mum and say, "It didn't take."