Chapter 16.

Sam had been quiet for a while, but Dean could almost hear him thinking. It was hard to know what to say. His apology hadn't worked and he was starting to think that bringing Sam out on the road like this was a mistake.

Suddenly, Sam said, "Dean, you remember a long time ago, like, a hundred years ago, when we were kids? You knew something had happened at school and I wasn't talking."

"You'll have to narrow that down some more." said Dean, "That happened a lot."

"The details don't matter." said Sam, "It was late. It was one of the nights we slept in the car, waiting for Dad to get back from a hunt. You just wouldn't go to sleep without knowing."

"Too many nights like that, too." said Dean, "You were one closed-off little kid. You acted like you were doing me a favour by never opening your mouth."

"You said, 'Sammy, it's just you, me and the car and you know she's not telling tales. Even if you can't talk anywhere else, you can say anything in the Impala.'"

"Yeah. I do remember that." said Dean, "As I recall, it worked. Master of child psychology."

"Yeah, you were." said Sam, "And it's still the same Impala, so the same applies to you. So talk, or you'll hurt her feelings."

"I'm not eight, Sammy."

"Neither am I, so drop the Sammy. Just pretend for a minute that you see me as an equal."

"Ha! Sam, I will never be equal to you. I'll never be close."

"If you can't be honest with me, could I be honest with you?"

"Impala rules. You can say anything to me here."

"What I'm about to say ... it isn't to hurt you or to blame you. I didn't want to tell you how things were, but now I think I have to."

"Well, that's nice and ominous."

"When you were gone, there was nothing I could do and that drove me crazy. I had no way to bring you back. You were alone, trapped and in pain and I couldn't do a thing and it was killing me, Dean."

"I know. You suffered more than I did. I know that."

"My point is, that should have changed when you got back. Here's my brother, who just went through a metaphorical Hell to beat the literal one and I can be there for him, help him get his life back together. Because we do that now, right? As agreed in the Pact? Except we don't. You don't. I still can't do anything to help, because you won't let me. After all you went through, there's still nothing you need from me."

"Nothing? Sam, I need too much. I need you like I never needed you before."

"Then why ... "

"When did you last sleep? How many hours a day do you spend running your ass off for your team of hunters? I'm a dead weight in every conceivable sense and I'm not sure how much more you can take."

"I can take anything but silence, Dean."

Dean accelerated. He was now certain that he should have locked himself in his room. He had no idea how to talk to Sam or even what there was to say, but to rebuff him now could only be cruel.

"Do you ever get tired of waiting for me to be a better man?" he said at last.

"Better than whom?" said Sam.

"Better than this self-pitying mess."

"Don't say that."

"You wanted me to talk." said Dean. He hated himself for saying it. Sam didn't deserve what he was doing, but if he failed to push him away, then they would both be trapped in a conversation they didn't need to have and what could Sam do about any of the things he wanted to talk about?

"It never gets any easier, does it?" said Sam, "Pact or not. you'd give anything to make me back off."

"What can I say?"

"Apparently, nothing. But what would you say if you could?"

Dean smiled grimly to himself. The kid never gave up and he was both impressed and annoyed. "You remember what I said about not being eight?" he said.

"Fine. You didn't fall for it. What would you have said if you had?"

"Sam, I made a mistake when I said yes. I know what I did hurt everyone. I will make things right, I swear, but first, I need to get my head straight."

"Which you have to do alone."

"It's better for everyone that way."

"It's not better for me that way." said Sam, "Was it better for you when I tried to handle everything on my own?"

"That's different?"

"Because I'm your kid brother? Because, in your head, I never grew up?"

Dean was getting angry. "Because you're not me!"

"I've tried to be, all my life. So, I fall short. Doesn't everyone?"

"Do you know what Michael said when he took this vessel? He said I was flawed, filthy and broken."

"And since when do we care about his opinion? This is the guy that roasted a world, yes?"

"He wasn't wrong about me."

"He was wrong about everything." said Sam.

"I'm crawling across a wasteland of my own making. The ground is on fire. I'll get to the other side, because even when I want to with all of my head and heart, I don't know how to quit. I never have. So I'll make it, but I can't ask you to crawl alongside me."

"When did you ever need to ask?" said Sam, "We come as a set. Whatever wasteland you're in, Cas and I will be there with you. Fighting us off seems a waste of effort, when we could be helping to haul you out."

"Well, Cas has no reason to want to help me."

"Cas spent the whole morning trying to help you."

"You think I'm ungrateful." said Dean.

"No, you think you're undeserving. Nobody else does."

"Wanna stop and eat the pie?"

"And straight to deflection." said Sam, looking and sounding exasperated.

"No." said Dean, "No, it's not that, Sammy ... Sam. I don't know. Maybe it is. I brought you here because ... Forget it. Pie."

Sam laughed. Dean glanced at him and he said, "Sorry, but how many times did you change direction just now?"

Dean pulled over to the side of the road. "Too many. This isn't easy."

"No, but you're trying. You brought me here because ... "

The truth felt needy and selfish, completely unreasonable. This was the time to either divert attention or lie, but if he did either, he'd choke on Sarah's pie.

"Dean, stop thinking and just say it!"

Dean shook his head. "You have enough to handle. So do I. I shouldn't be like this. It should be like flipping a switch. Michael's gone: boom! Back to normal, head in the game."

"It's not that simple."

"It should be. That's all I'm saying." His mouth continued without accompanying thought, "I'm weak and useless and I guess I needed my brother, but that doesn't mean you need to waste time on me."

"When Cas and I feel weak and useless, you're always there for us."

"Because you're wrong to feel that way. You're Superman and Cas is stronger than he thinks. I couldn't have done what he did today."

"When you're in sight, he can do anything. When you're out of reach, he barely functions on any level."

"He lived a long time without me."

"He lived without a lot of things. Now, he's as lost without you as I am. And I am, by the way, so if you need something, you got it. All I wanted, all the time you were gone, was to be here, in the Impala, with you."