This chapter was requested by creepinsane You should totally go check out their work! They inspired me to make this book. This song is I'm not okay by citizen-soldier.
Tonight the monsters in my head
Are screaming so damn loud
But I built walls so high
So they never even make a sound
Cole trained himself so that he wouldn't feel emotions. He pushed so many people away because he was just too scared of getting hurt again as he did with his mother.
It's a mask it's a lie
It's the only home I've ever known
'Cause being who I really am
Has only left me more alone
Years later with the ninja, Cole wore a mask. The mask was that he was a cake-loving happy person but Cole knew that that's not who he really is. He knew it was all a bunch of lies.
I am not okay
And I need you to see it
I have so much to say
And no one to hear it
Cole was exposed to be the strong one he couldn't be the weak one. He was the one that never broke down but they never heard him at night when he alone. He wanted more than anything to go to one of his brothers but he knew it would only make him look weak.
The reason I keep quiet
With so much at stake
I always feel like a burden
Let it silence me
Cole always felt like a burden. When he was at school the other kids would always say he was worthless and that he couldn't do anything for himself. That was when he first put on the mask.
You'll never understand
Why it's so hard to say
I'm not okay
When people ask him he always smiles and lies saying ¨im okay¨ when h knew he was actually falling apart.
I wish I had a scar
Had a bruise on the surface any kind of proof
That everything I feel is more than just some sad excuse
My life's invisible abuse
People called him emointless when he was in school. He knew that wasn't true. He knew that he felt all of life's invisible abuse.
I'm either judged or have to hide
The only symptom you can see
Is I don't wanna be alive
Cole sometimes dreamed about death. He dreamed about not feeling anything anymore, the pain, the anger.
I am not okay
And I need you to see it
I have so much to say
And no one to hear it
He never had many friends as a kid. So he never had a shoulder to cry on he learned from a young age, he had to be strong on his own.
The reason I keep quiet
With so much at stake
I always feel like a burden
Let it silence me
You'll never understand
Why it's so hard to say
Cole always did have low-self-esteem. Anytime someone would try to compliment him he always that they were just trying to make him feel good. He never understood why they would want to waste their time on him.
I'll never have the words, I can't explain this hell
But what if it kills me
If I keep it to myself
To myself
When Cole was turned into a ghost, he didn't have any words to describe the hell it was to be one. He couldn't taste, feel, or touch anything. He just felt numb for the first time in his life.
I am not okay
And I need you to see it
I have so much to say
And no one to hear it
I am not okay
I am not okay
I'm never safe
It's not a phase
If I finally break
Would you still stay?
Cole thought about telling the other ninja about how he was feeling. But then thoughts of doubt-filled him like what if they left him? Or just ignored him?
Tonight the monsters in my head
Are screaming so damn loud
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