The energy within the old scout's headquarters has been… awkward to say the least. I don't know why though. Part of me should have known that Captain Levi wouldn't tolerate relationships or fraternization between his squad members, but the other part of me was filled with a grandiose amount of doubt.
The look in the Captain's eyes when he walked in on my and Eren's moment seemed almost personal. There was a level of disgust and betrayal brewing beneath his murky blue irises that seemed to be too intense for its own good.
Ah, the moment with Eren. It replays over and over in my head until I almost can't take it anymore. If the captain hadn't interrupted us, what might have happened? Where might have that vulnerable moment in time taken us? I wonder what Eren's lips would've felt like, and what we would've done had we been allowed the privacy to express ourselves further. I'm not saying I would've gone all the way with Eren, but I don't think I'd have been hesitant to do whatever my body commanded me to.
If there's anything that I, along with the rest of humanity, has learned in these last years, is that no day is ever promised. With the threat of the Colossal titan and Armored titan returning to wreak havoc whenever they see fit, one never knows when the brittle security of the walls will come shattering down around them again. And even without the titans, who lives forever? Who in this world has ever gotten to say that their life transcends the boundlessness of time? Impending doom or not, life will cease to be life at some point. All that is living must die.
That's why I have no reservations about my moment with Eren, because I may not see another day, and if I'm living my last moment I want to do so with no regrets.
"Hey Mahala. The captain wants to have a meeting about the upcoming scout mission" a short, strawberry blonde girl says to me, pulling me out of my thoughts.
"Okay Petra" I respond. As we're walking to meet with the Captain and the rest of the Levi squad, I can feel Petra sneaking curious glances at me out the corner of my eye. If there's one thing that's always made me nervous and feel like complete shit, it's being stared at. Whether the stares be upfront and direct, or sneakily hidden to the point it's horrendously obvious. I don't like to be looked at, and I don't like to be seen. If everyone here is just going to see me for my skin, and my hair, and not for me, I don't ever want to be looked upon by them.
"Is there a reason you're staring at me Petra?" I questioned quietly. I was irritated but didn't let it show through my voice. We're teammates now after all, conflict needs to be avoided when it can be. Petra blushed a deep red and huffed when she realized she'd been caught in her ogling.
"I'm sorry. That was so rude of me!" she laughed nervously.
"I just think you're so pretty. So unique looking. Your skill is also unique. I can't believe you weren't among the top of your cadet corps! I really understand why Levi wanted you here with us so badly" she says excitedly. Wow, that's not at all what I'd been expecting her to say. Have I allowed myself to be so soured by the ugliness of the world, that I can't even recognize the beauty anymore?
Levi wanted me badly?
"Wow. Thank you, Petra. You're so beautiful too." I respond smiling. Her cheeks flush red again and she pushes a wispy strand of hair behind her ear.
"No problem, Mahala" she says beaming.
"So… what did you mean by the captain wanted me here so badly? Had he been talking about me?" I questioned coolly. I tried to remain with a calm demeanor on the outside, even though on the inside I was screaming my head off.
"Well, the captain isn't a very vocal man, but once you study him long enough, you can differentiate between the different sides of his personality, no matter how one dimensional it may seem. Captain would constantly study your cadet file, and repeatedly said that there's one more person he needs on his team. He said without this one more person, his team wouldn't be complete. It wasn't hard to put two and two together and figure out he was talking about you. I mean, here you are, you know?" Petra says quickly and excitedly. She continues to talk energetically as we walk towards the dining room to meet with Captain, but I can't hear a thing she says. My mind is somewhere else completely.
What is it about me that the Captain needs so badly? Surely there are more qualified cadets, like Mikasa for example. Even if he truly wants me around to act as a bridge between Eren's titan and Eren himself, why not recruit the girl who would drop dead for him at Eren's command? Is it because of what I saw that day in Trost?
"Ral. Dinan. How nice of you to finally join us." Eld says as we walk into the dining hall. I sheepishly smile and take a seat beside P etra, which happens to be across from the Captain. I go to look at him, but he's already staring me down. His eyes surprisingly hold no anger, or disgust, or disdain like they did the other day. His eyes are twinkling as if he's pleased to see me.
"Hi Captain" I say shyly. He nods at me in acknowledgement. I felt my cheeks burn at that but thank God no one could see.
"Ah. There are just a few things I want to go over." The captain says.
After the meeting, Captain Levi hangs back while the rest of the squad goest about their duties. I do as well. I thought this might irritate him, but all he does is glance at me curiously, and then continue to sip on his black tea. I nervously play with my hands, trying to work up the courage to say something to him, but when I look up the captain is already staring at me with a strange look in his eyes. He had a small smile on his face, and an almost challenging stare.
This giving me the confidence I needed, I moved into the seat beside him.
"Captain, I know what you walked in on wasn't ideal. I'm sorry that you had to see it. It was lapse of judgement. The last thing I'd ever want to do is disrespect you." I said remorsefully. The one thing I don't want is to lose the respect of my hero.
Levi sighs and puts his tea down. He turns towards me, his hair falling in his eyes.
"Forget about me. Just respect yourself, okay Dinan? I don't usually involve myself in the personal business of my squad, but something like this can affect us all. Eren's already kind of a loose cannon, and we can't afford for him to have any distractions. I understand. You're young, you want to experience normal things. Just experience them with someone that doesn't have the weight of humanity resting on their shoulders." He says. I almost feel as if there's a double meaning to Levi's words, and I don't like it.
"Don't we all have humanity resting on our shoulders though? Aren't we all in service to these people, whether we're Eren or not? I mean… I don't even think I could experience these things with someone not in the same position as me. Who else will understand me better than a soldier? Better than someone who doesn't know if they'll make it to tomorrow?" I say passionately.
"I guess what I'm saying is that I don't need some safe option, and everyone could use a distraction once in a while. We'll go crazy without it, won't we Captain?" I ask. I scoot closer to him, looking him in his eyes so he feels the passion of what I'm telling him. We stare into each other's eyes in a comfortable silence.
"You're right Dinan. It will drive you crazy. I'm just asking you not to get involved with Eren. Trust me, save yourself the trouble." He says standing up.
"Well, if not Eren, who?" I ask staring at the captain intensely. He looks me deeply in the eyes, sighs, and tells me to go train with the squad.
Little did we know that a certain titan shifter spied from the doorway and heard our conversation.