I am alive! XD And I am also so sorry for how long this update has taken!
Warning = Unsympathetic Logan
Force a smile.
A laugh is just a happy cry for help.
A laugh hides pain.
A smile disguises agony.
My organs scream. Every tiny puff of air I take in feels like my lungs are one breath closer to popping on rose thorns. Every thwack of my heart shakes the ribs confining it. My stomach sinks so low, heavy, dead and filled with nothing but a thunderstorm of emotion.
Force it down, Patton.
Force it all away.
Force.
It.
Down.
"Y-yeah... You caught me at a bad time..." It burns. Walking on boiling hot coals would be less painful than the scorching in my throat. "Turns out Marley and Me is a sad movie..." Technically, it's not a lie. It is a sad movie, but I haven't been watching any movies. It's not a lie that Logan caught me at a bad time. It's bad no matter what the clock says.
A grunt leaves Logan's perfect, plump and pursed lips. His delicate fingers flicking through the pages of his note book, pen scrolling all kinds of mesmerising calligraphy. It makes the petals rise up from my lungs and tickle the back of my oesophagus. How can something as simple as handwriting cause this type of reaction? Why does Logan cause my suffering? Can't he see that I'm hurting because of him?
No.
He's not supposed to know.
It's not his problem.
I'm not his problem.
This is my burden.
Mine.
"Yes, well, perhaps if you actually did your job instead of wasting your time watching sad movies and moping about them all day, then you wouldn't have that problem." I watch as Logan's pen aggressively dots a few I's and crosses some T's. It no longer holds the elegant scribblings as it did before, nor does Logan's hand glide along the page like a ballet performance. It's heavy and angry, just like the glare he has pointed at me.
My heart tightens, and I can almost feel the weight of it leave my chest and sink to the bottom of my stomach. If my intestines weren't in knots and bows earlier, they certainly are now... and not the happy, butterfly filled kind.
"I-I'm sorry, L-Logan, but I'm not sure what you mea-"
"You're losing control of your emotions!" he snaps, eyes narrowed into deathly looking slits. "You are sending Thomas into a complete emotional breakdown." Logan sighs, fingers weaving up to caress the fabric tied around his neck and adjusting it like he always does. "You need to reign them in. We can't have - We can't have you ruining everything we've already worked towards."
Breathe. Just breathe - I can't, my lungs are full. My lungs... are full. Will it ever be possible to breathe again? Will I remember how it feels not to hurt each and every time I inhale a single breath of air? Can I be done with all of this? I've always known Logan would never feel the same, but this just proves it... Though I'd hoped... one day.
"I'm s-sorry, I -"
"It's the crush, is it not?"
"Whuh-what?" It's hard to swallow. It burns. It hurts.
"The crush Thomas has, I suppose you're feeding off of that?"
I force a weak laugh despite myself. "Y-yes, yes I am..."
"He will get over it, he always does. You will too. Don't let it play with your head, Patton."
It's not playing with my head, Logan...
It's playing with my lungs.
If only I could tell you why.