Stepbrothers
Chapter Seven
Sometimes Fran just wanted to scream at Larry to leave it alone.
She loved him, of this she was sure. He was such a laugh, bigger than life, a heart of gold. A REAL one. Not just a beautiful facade with nothing but dirt and crazy, ugly things behind... Things that hurt and destroy you and leave you in ruins...
Yet, there was something sad with Larry. Something she was only too familiar with.
That something was a shadow. Not a violent and cruel one like hers. No, it was a quiet, formless shadow. The whiff of a perfume in the bedroom, a weird light in the salon, a brief tinkling of a clock in the kitchen. And mostly a silence...
A deafening silence.
When the boys, Manuelita and José were here, when they were all together, it was noisy and alive. Like a proper family should (except when the boys were laughing this curious nervous laugh at everything and everyone for absolutely nothing...). But once Manuelita and José went to their business, once the boys were away to school (by the way, why were those two constantly flustered, their faces red and avoiding each other's eyes ?), that silence took place and it was worse than a bomb.
Of course Larry and her had their own business to take care of (there was a ridiculously extravagant wedding to be paid among other little things...) But they remained more than enough together to endure it. Or was it only Fran that felt it ? That dark silence between her and Larry ?
Things had been so easy first. Well, if you put Loki aside. Loki, the lost, pitiful child, so dignified, so elegant yet so distant, walled up in his fortress of pain... Impeccable in his manners and attitude but just like a butler. Compliant but distant, polite but cold. On the job, she would have described him. He intended to play the perfect stepson, above reproach.
Honestly Fran would have exchanged it any time for a rebellious, smart-ass, aggressive brat, for this attitude was far much worse.
She always wanted to tell him to chill, to relax... That she had no intention to rob anyone's place, that being here didn't mean SHE was forgotten. God forbid the worshiped shadow would be desecrated.
God forbid she mentioned the Saintly Francesca of the Holy Remembered.
She felt mean thinking like that but she was damn tired. How could she make them understand ? The weight of it all, the heaviness of NOT TALKING ABOUT IT. It made her more alive than everything else. That was the paradox. Not talking about her, about who she was, what she liked, what she did with Larry and Loki, not having her photograph around, acting like she was the biggest taboo ever, was just making things only worse.
Francesca was on their mind constantly because mentioning her felt like launching a ticking bomb in the room. Fran knew that by preventing themselves to acknowledge that fact, father and son were unable to surpass their grief. Loki couldn't talk about her because it hurt too much, obviously, but also because there was no one to talk about her with. Fran and Thor never knew her. Manuelita and José had their own lives to live. Being the Laufeysons' live-in employees made them family but not to the point to contradict and anger their boss. Said boss refused to talk to his son (or anyone for that matter) about his dead mother for... whatever reasons he had...
And Fran had the chilling impression that he was making a fuss about her, her son and their wedding (at the expense of Loki's feelings) just to run away from the ghost he had greatly contributed to create.
God, how Fran hated that damn piano...
As she was sadly walking around the salon, carefully avoiding the elegant black form, she thought again about Thor and Loki. The whole sum of her life, lately. If she was not thinking about Larry and his haunted home, she was pondering about the boys' new and strange behavior, wondering for the millioneth time what was wrong with those two in particular...
It had only been two days and two nights and to Loki it had seemed a decade, a century, millenniums...
Since the day he... No way.
DEFINITELY. NO. WAY.
He has NOT kissed... Oh god...
He did.
He effin' did.
He kissed Thor.
Now what ?
The most insane thing was that he had no idea why he did it. On the spur of the moment ? Because what Thor was telling him was so awful that he tried to comfort him ? Or simply because he felt that Thor was slowly drifting away, far from him and their parents, to that place of hell... He saw it in Thor's eyes, originally blue and sparkly but, at that moment, gray and lifeless the more he told about that man and what he did to him and his mom.
Loki surprised himself with the fear of losing Thor forever.
Loki could not simply fathom why a life without Thor seemed simply dreadful now when he should have been glad of getting rid of him, even partially.
Loki didn't understand the recent warmth he felt deep inside him each time he heard Thor coming. At first, he thought it was irritation or tension. Now he had to acknowledge it was more complex than that.
Was he …. ? By any chance …. ?
NO. WAY.
NO. FRICKING. WAY.
Problem was Loki had no idea what was going on in his own mind. He went from "get them both out of MY house" to "What if Thor actually leaves ?" A total turnover. Had he been influenced by Thor's acknowledged feelings ? By his horrible past and present bravery ? The more he knew Thor, the more he was focused only on him. Maybe not obsessed, but for someone that was supposed to be a bother and a hindrance, he occupied a lot of space in Loki's thoughts. So to assume he was in love...
Love ? What was love ? Loki didn't know. He simply adored his mother, her being dead changed nothing. He probably loved his father. Surely. Too bad they never said that to each other, being so busy messing up their own lives. Jose and Manuelita were part of this household and family so they were important to him. It wasn't to be questioned. Sometimes, he had to admit Fran and her natural kindness made her likable. But apart from that ? No one closer than that, no friend, no girl, no one that he ever was interested in. At nearly 18, he was totally... blank. He didn't even masturbate. He never felt the urge as if he was frigid. Maybe, that wasn't normal...
But Thor ? Thor was a different thing altogether.
From unknown new jock, to nuisance, to target, to... obsession...
Not to mention he was rather kissable. Something Loki wouldn't have predicted in a million years...
Yet, here he was and he had no idea what to do next. Ignore it ? Difficult.
Thor was literally beaming since the back alley confession and final kiss. He had brutally stopped being a harassment, he had stopped being depressingly sad. He was much more malleable and tolerable. Still a tail-wagging puppy, following Loki everywhere with stars in his eyes but a much more disciplined puppy.
Yet, a puppy can bite. And said puppy had proven to be more than able to bite viciously when jealous.
That was the main danger. And it was a huge one.
It was well-known what victims of abuse could become abusers... The ones that had been bullied could become bullies in turn.
And Loki simply couldn't take any chance. He had enough on his plate as it was.
Curiously, as the days went by and the wedding day becoming very close, things got a lot more easier. Loki and Thor resumed an ordinary life. Getting up, going to school together, getting home together, sometimes doing homework together when Thor didn't have practice or Loki library research, they ate with their parents, chatted about the wedding and then went up to bed... It was countdown to the big day and they were all seemingly excited about it. Fran and Larry were surprised to say the least about the change of mood... Loki had been a lot more open and talkative and Thor a lot more relaxed. Yet, Fran was the only one to notice the invisible tension that seemed to rise only between her son and his stepbrother-to-be. She had a terrible hunch of something deep and secret but it was so... weird she pushed it back in the deepest part of her mind. Where things that hurt are hid, well deep inside...
Larry, of course, saw nothing.
Thor couldn't believe his luck. He didn't feel alone or isolated any more. Someone knew and (hopefully...) that someone didn't judge or back away or (worse) pity him (at least not too much...). And that someone was the one he... Well, on his part at least because on Loki's... Whatever. That was a bumpy road and a totally different matter. What was important was that Loki knew. He didn't have to keep it to himself any more. He felt strangely lighter. That was the most difficult thing for Thor. To please his mom, he had agreed to forget everything because their future depended on it. So she said but it didn't go well for Thor. It was hard, thinking about it alone, not being able to release the burden a bit... Funny how Loki was like a double-edged sword to him, both heaven and hell, torment and release... But something was different now, Thor felt like a sparkle of hope. Now that Loki knew, things might progress a bit. He buried it deeply in his mind. There were more urgent matters right now.
Larry never knew his stepson's musings. He never knew anything anyway.
Loki was a bit sad and resignated, a bit happy and relieved, a bit confused and wondering what the future would be. The wedding would come, he had reconciled himself with the fact. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad... Maybe it could be good to have a stepbrother like Thor. A blond, strong, handsome...
No.
No. No. NO.
Larry, seeing his son turning red in a blink of an eye, asked him if the curry was too spicy for his tastes.
One morning, Loki found himself alone at breakfast. Larry and Fran had got up early for another wedding planning business of some sort. He had no idea of where the rest of the household was. After eating and cleaning the dishes, he had found himself on the sofa, not knowing what to do (no homework, no research, no nothing planned... which was very rare for Loki) and staring at the piano.
He knew how to play of course but his mother had been a brilliant pianist. She could have become a professional had she been attracted to that kind of life. She used to laugh saying that she was too lazy for this. Loki felt the pang of emptiness once again. Luckily, it wasn't as painful as before. The day she had died was the day the attraction and need for music had gone.
"Wassup ?" said a cheerful voice from behind. "No work today ?"
Thor, yawning, still in his t-shirt and pyjamas at this hour. Typical. Funny it didn't bother Loki as much as it used too.
No." Loki answered. "Looks like I have a day off for once."
Thor smiled wondering what to say next aside from the usual chitchat. That was strange. They had been as sincere as possible to each other and some on the back alley day and Thor still had no idea how to behave around Loki. What to say not to make him annoyed or scared. He scratched his head and was about to talk about the weather (lame...) when Loki turned his head back to the piano.
I can't help it if it is as if she was still there...
Loki was speaking so softly Thor wasn't sure he heard right.
She was the one that made that house stand right. She was the center of my world, the pillar of my father's life. So, how can you wonder how difficult it is for us now ?
Thor didn't know what to do with his hands. He fumbled like a little boy, hoping Loki wouldn't notice.
The worst was... how fast she went away. The disease had spread like wild fire in her body in a matter of months. In the blink of an eye, she turned into a ravaged ghost. We tried everything... But I think she knew, she smiled to my dad and me but deep inside, from the beginning she knew. And we knew too but refused to accept it. We still don't to this day.
Loki turned to Thor. His face was very pale and his lips were tightly shut.
So how can you blame us for being miserable ? How can you blame us for thinking about her still ?
Thor felt childish but he couldn't help burying his hands in his pyjamas' pockets like a five years old...
That's not the issue Loki... You know that, it's just... It's not healthy for the both of you, not to talk about her, like never ! It prevents both of you from moving forward with your lives...
Loki looked at Thor, obviously not believing his words.
That's where we cannot agree, Thor. Look at my father. And your mother ! Maybe it is fast, but they are both moving forward. They are dragging some heavy luggage with them but they don't look like they keep looking back, are they ? And are they constantly talking about the luggage ? No they aren't. None of them, ever." He tilted his head to the side. " Or maybe, not in front of us. But anyway. It is none of our business, I can see that now... As for me, you know what I want after we graduate. Do I look like I am not moving on with my life ? Seriously ?
He gave Thor a long hard look.
And if you love me..." Thor opened his mouth but Loki went on. "The way you say you do, you should accept me as I am with the things I talk about and the things I don't, with the things I want to do and the things I don't." Loki looked at him straight in the eye. "With the things I tolerate and the things I don't.
Thor looked at his feet, knowing where this was going.
Meaning that the little scene you did after that cheerleader girl talked to me will not happen again. Not If you want anything to do to me.
Loki, I...
I am not saying you're like that man, your father." Loki saw Thor's lips tighten. He went on, unruffled. "I am saying that I am free to speak to whoever I please, whenever I please. This is non negotiable. Also, as the song says, you don't own me. I want you to stop nagging around me as if you were my bodyguard or my nanny or whatever. I was fine without you. You'll also have to let go of your overprotective ways.
Thor gave Loki a puzzled look. Not much because of the reproach, but because of the strange meaning of these words. As if Loki was expecting a form of engagement from him, something long-term.
Okay ?" Thor attempted.
Loki scoffed.
I'll need a little more than an "okay", Thor ! In three days, we'll be stepbrothers and I don't know what the law in this state says, but we have is close to...
He gulped.
…. In-Incest... Right ?
Loki turned bright red. Thor turned into stone.
Next thing Loki knew, he was pushed on the floor (luckily on the very fluffy carpet so no one got hurt), his nose full of Thor's cologne (a cheap brand Loki found too 'macho-man') and his mouth full of Thor's tongue and his lungs almost empty with air because Thor was almost choking him in his arms and under his weight.
The next minutes were really confused because he was half pushing back, half holding Thor back, writhing under Thor's hands (who seemed totally out of control), digging his nails on Thor's shoulders and twisting his hips like a snake caught in a trap. Worse, his brain was swinging between "More !" and "Stop !" and getting really fuzzy. It was too much, too fast and he had to...
He woke up from his trance when he realized Thor was almost ripping his shirt.
Nooooo ! Waitwaitwaitwaiiiit !
A red-faced, disheveled Thor with a wet, open mouth and comically infuriated eyes brutally stopped, clearly annoyed.
Now what ?!" He yelled.
'Now what' ?!" Yoki laughed, a bit scandalized. "Well, first of all, they'll be back any minute, you moron ! What is going to happen when they see us fucking on the floor like animals ?!" Loki stopped and gulped. He never said the F. word. Thor was definitely a bad influence... "Besides, you didn't swear to me you're not doing the cheerleader incident again !
– Seriously ?" Thor asked with a supremely annoyed face.
You want the cake, you're going to act like it." Loki answered.
Thor sighed and raised his right hand in a parody of courtroom.
I do solemnly swear I won't yell at you for talking to girls...
And you'll stop being a busybody." Loki added.
Thor lowered his hand.
But, what if you're in trouble, I mean, real trouble ?
Loki sighed.
Of course you can help me if need be but I don't want a 24/7 supervision, Thor !
Okay, okay, I swear, cross my heart, hope to die, Happy now ?
Loki made a scoff.
That will do.
Immediately he found himself pinned again against the carpet in the blink of an eye.
HeyHeyHey ! STOP IT ! Thor, seriously, I'll have you neutered !
Thor stopped and made a supremely annoyed face. It made almost Loki laugh.
Really, you can be a pain, Loki ! One minute you complain of the fact we'll be brothers and the next you don't want me to do it while we're still not related. What's wrong now ?!
Loki wanted to yell that there was a million things wrong in their situation but he simply stated his greatest fear.
I'm a virgin, Thor. Okay ? I don't simply throw myself at people like that. It's not easy for me. The first time I kissed was... well, you after you-know-what !
Thor sighed very deeply and bowed his head down so much Loki could only saw his hair.
Great. Then we're off to a great start.
Loki scowled then Thor looked at him, his face now really red with embarrassment.
I am a virgin too.