After leaving Dumbledore's office I didn't go straight back to Gryffindor tower. Instead, I was wandering around the castle. I couldn't bring myself to go back where Harry would await me, completely in the dark about what Dumbledore and I discussed. Though I knew he advised it for the sake of my wellbeing, I was very upset with the headmaster for putting all the weight of the issue on my shoulders alone.

How was I going to look into Harry's eyes and tell him that from now on I was still going to be here but he couldn't be around me anymore? I couldn't even imagine myself saying it to him. I wasn't that kind of person. I could get violent and mean if it was necessary but it wasn't my nature. I was a peace-loving and kindhearted person who hated to have to hurt someone. Hurting Harry would mean to shatter my own heart into pieces because, at the end of the day, I was in love with him. To deny it would be to lie to myself.

The time was shortly before 8 pm. The castle grew darker and darker with every minute. The lighted torches on the walls cast long, moving shadows. Outside, the blizzard was pounding on the windows viciously, angry at the obstacle that didn't let it to fill the entire castle with snow. Most of the students had returned to their houses. I could barely hear any voices as I walked down the hallway, my footsteps on the stone floor echoed loudly in the dusky, deafening silence.

I found a little corridor that branched off of that main hallway. At the very end of it, there was a small brick step right next to a large window. Sitting here, I was completely invisible to anyone who would walk by. From the window, I could see the Quidditch field, buried in heaps of snow. There were no light sources here, it was dark and cold when the wind drifted through the window hinges but I didn't mind. That corresponded to the state of my mind.

I wanted to be gone. Gone from Hogwarts, gone from people who didn't have to carry a huge, dark secret inside of them. Eventually, it will eat me alive like a mangled butterfly that's trying to get out of its cocoon and fly away to live its puny existence. I felt like my soul had been poured full of tar. Why did Dumbledore have to tell it to me? Why did he have to let me know Harry was going to die? I would feel better if the headmaster had simply ordered me to stay away from Harry, no questions allowed. I realized that I never thought I would say it but sometimes, not knowing was better than knowing.

I put my palm against the glass that was freezing cold. The windows seemed to be frosted even from inside. The thin layer of ice was melting under the warm blood that circulated in my fingers. How could I possibly avoid Harry without him noticing? I wiped the wet hand on my jeans and started to toy with the audacious thought of ignoring Dumbledore's request.

First, it seemed like a brilliant idea. I could simply keep on living like this conversation never happened. The headmaster wouldn't keep a track of if I'm doing what he advised...or would he? He probably had other, more important things to do, but was there something more important than destroying Voldemort? I knew Dumbledore had eyes and ears on every corner of the school. Somebody might easily snitch on me and then...Dumbledore's would be angry at the least. I wondered if he would decide to put me in some kind of an isolation room as a punishment.

And wouldn't I harm myself by disobeying? Voldemort is able to unhinge your mind, Thomas, the headmaster said, and torture you into madness. Having invaded someone's mind, Voldemort could make them to literally beg for death. Goosebumps sprang all over my skin just from imagining it. The more I thought about the dark wizard, the less secure I felt. I knew that even Voldemort couldn't simply steal my soul from a distance but if he discovered he could influence me by using Harry as an instrument, that could end badly for both of us. As far as I knew, Voldemort knew no mercy.

I pulled my knees close to my chest, the pulse vibrated into the pit between my clavicles. It had become so dark I could barely see my hands in the faint light coming from the window. This was going to be another moonless, starless night, pitch black, without the tiniest ray of hope. I was thinking about my parents. Fortunately, they had each other and didn't have to be alone at nights like this one, waiting for me to come home.

Perhaps due to being lost in my somber thoughts and the susurration of the wind from the window I didn't pay attention to the sound of footsteps coming in my direction. That's why Draco Malfoy who suddenly appeared from the corner caught me totally unprepared. The Slytherin was dressed in the usual dark pants but the uniform lacked a robe. From a distance you could almost take him for a ghost, that was the impression left by his snow-white shirt and pale skin. The silverish-green tie glistened on his chest in the minimal light coming from the windows.

" This is my spot, " he said, walking down the small hallway towards me. In his voice, I heard the same insolent sneer he was usually wearing on his face.

" Fuck off, " I snapped back. I was in no mood to argue or fight. Not today. " I was here first. Go find another corner, I'm sure there are plenty of them in the castle. "

Any normal person would have taken my advice, turned around, and left. Not this one, of course not. It wasn't until this moment that I realized Malfoy was actually having an unhealthy obsession with me. Yet I didn't think he followed me, I spend a good part of the evening in Dumbledore's office after all. I just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time to run into him.

Draco walked up to me and pointed his chin to the step I was sitting on. " If you don't want to leave, at least move. I didn't come all the way here to be standing now. "

" Why the hell did you come here in the first place? No place in the Slytherin rooms? "

" And you? No place in Gryffindor tower? "

" None of your fucking business! Leave me alone! "

Draco took out his wand and quickly swished it towards me. Before I could react in any way, the spell pushed me hard into the window, further away from the spot where I was first sitting. My shoulder and elbow ached from the collision and I guess I should be thankful my body didn't smash the glass. Having freed the place for himself, Draco sat down and put the wand away.

Alright then, I thought, time to go home. I didn't feel ready yet to step into the Gryffindor tower yet but I certainly wasn't going to sit here with Malfoy, so close that our thighs touched and I could smell sandalwood, bergamot, and amber, a mixture of scents that was making me nauseous. Damn, he must be bathing in that stuff! As soon as I got up, Draco grabbed my hand.

I looked down at my fingers that were being held by his palm. His hand was cold as if he has just returned from outside after taking a good half-an-hour walk without gloves. In his touch, there was something unspeakably unpleasant and weirdly familiar. I realized it reminded me of one of my dreams, where something very cold and evil was trying to latch onto me, and I felt like all the happiness, and every good feeling I had ever had was being sucked out of me.

" I'll ask you one time, dude, politely. Let me go. "

" Why? Are you scared of me? For a Muggle, you're quite tough, I must admit that. However, the constant running from me isn't going to make me stop, Thomas. I enjoy the chase. "

He got up and the weight of his body pushed me into the wall. His fragrance was burning my nose as I struggled free. I didn't want to start another fight with him as that would mean another detention and another scolding from Dumbledore. I had no idea what made Malfoy think I might be interested in him when my whole body was screaming otherwise. I turned away from him as much as the small space allowed.

" And you? " he whispered into my ear and I rather preferred the cold gushes of the wind that was coming from the window than the warmth of his breath. " Did you enjoy my gift? "

" Your gift went straight into the fucking garbage, " I hissed at him, " you cannot buy me even with all the money you and your daddy have combined. Leave me the fuck alone, will you? "

Draco came nearer, his silvery eyes carefully scanned my face. No, really, what had he found in me? I was neither so insanely attractive or had a gold dick so that it would be worth pursuing me for months.

" I really wouldn't want to do it, Thomas, " he said with an audible note of threat in his voice, " but there are spells that could make you do exactly what I want. Without questions, without resisting. "

" Like the Imperius Curse? That's illegal. Your ass will fly out of Hogwarts like a cork and land into Azkaban if you do it to me or anyone else. Not everything in life happens the way we want it, Malfoy. You should be grown enough to get over it. "

Draco looked visibly surprised that I knew what spell was he talking about. Little did he know, I was not spending my time in Hogwarts by laying on the sofa and eating bonbons. From the magic books my friends provided to me, I had learned a lot about the magical laws, spells that were allowed, and spells that were forbidden, the differences between jinxes, hexes, and curses. I was reading more than the average wizard or witch was. The three Unforgivable Curses sent shivers down my spine when I was reading about them. Killing, torture, and control – the three worst things one person could do to another. And Azkaban...the wizarding prison located in the middle of the North Sea made me wonder how many ships have passed the fortress, completely oblivious to its existence.

" Some are not illegal, smarty-pants, but still quite effective, " Malfoy took out his wand again and this time I was ready to fight, " like this one. Incarcerous! "

Thin, long ropes shot out of the tip of his wand and wrapped tightly around my wrists like snakes. The more I struggled to break free, the more the strings cut into my skin. It was painful and I expected to see some blood oozing from under the bonds. A satisfied smirk appeared on Draco's face.

" Let me go or you'll regret it! "

" Also Petrificus Totalus, Immobulus, " Malfoy continued as if I hadn't said anything and walked closer to me, " many innocent little spells that can instantly make you helpless and incapacitated. Didn't know about that, did you? "

I was trying my best to free my arms but the ropes felt as if they were alive. As soon as I managed to get rid of a tiny bit of the magical restraints, they bound around me again and again. If I was Dumbledore, Draco's parents would be in my office by now. On the other hand...was there a point in scolding and punishing him? What else can you expect from a son of a Death Eater? This malevolent demeanor was probably sown into him by his mother's milk. Harry had never mentioned Draco's mother but apparently, it was enough with one scoundrel parent to have a scoundrel child.

" I do sometimes wonder what would have happened if you were sorted into Slytherin. You wouldn't have met Potter, the mudblood and the blood traitor, and our relationships could have been different. As much as I dislike Muggles, for you, I could make an exception. "

Back in September, I knew close to nothing about Hogwarts houses, so it wasn't really important to me which one I would get. I didn't know that most dark wizards came from Slytherin. I didn't know that the founder of the house himself had a personal hatred towards Muggles to the point where he released a goddamn basilisk into Hogwarts to kill off the Muggle-born students. Now the man was long dead but his spirit obviously lived on, as many students from Slytherin's house still shared his ideology. If I were sorted into Slytherin, one of the two things would have happened – either I smashed their faces every single day, or they smashed mine for having non-magical blood.

" Even if I never knew Harry, I wouldn't have fallen for you. Do you hear yourself? I cannot imagine who would enjoy being in your presence with all that bile and hatred in your mouth. I'm only attracted to kind people. "

" Kind? " Draco roared with laughter as if he just heard something so wrong it was ridiculous. " You're hardly the one to talk about kindness. Picking a fight wherever you go. My father considered not letting me come back after the Christmas holiday. He thought it wasn't safe for me to be around those who seem to be raised in the forest. "

The magical ropes fell from my hands and crumpled at my feet, still wriggling like ugly worms. Either the spell wore off or Draco reversed it, I was free. I looked at my wrists, expecting to see bruises or blood but there was none. The soreness was just an illusion, created by magic. For a moment, it almost seemed funny to me – Death Eater scared of a Muggle hurting his son.

" What is it with you and invoking your daddy all the time? That's something that would be appropriate for a 3-year-old, not a grown motherfucker like you! You don't know shit about me! It's bastards like you I pick fights with. I never do that to decent people. "

At the beginning of the small corridor, Argus Filch's face suddenly appeared around the corner and this was the first time I was actually happy to see the caretaker. He was grumpy and frowning as he was squinting his eyes to look at the end of the corridor. The light of his lantern didn't reach that far.

" What are you two doing out of your houses so late? " the caretaker mumbled in a gravely, unpleasant voice. " What new nasty surprises are you scheming, hiding in the dark? "

" Get lost, you filthy Squib! " Malfoy yelled at Filch, his voice so filled with loath only a deaf one wouldn't hear it.

I wasn't too fond of Filch either but at this point, he was only doing his job and didn't deserve this treatment. I had no idea how Draco didn't realize himself he was pushing people away from him by his own doing. It was impossible to be in his presence and feel comfortable. Filthy Squib, filthy mudblood...everything that didn't have magic in it was filthy to him and by that logic, I should be a part of that package. I had so many feelings and emotions storming through me I was unable to keep a track of them all. All I wanted was a quiet and peaceful corner where nobody would see me or talk to me. Or I could jump off the Astronomy Tower. That was an option too.

I used the moment of distraction caused by Filch's appearance to free myself from Draco's company. As I squeezed past them, half-blinded by the nightly sky and the long shadows cast by Filch's lantern, I almost stepped on Mrs. Norris's tail. The cat meowed loudly and hissed at me, showing its resent. I didn't mind. After all, this was the ugliest cat I had ever seen.

With my hands in pockets, I was standing for a good while in front of the portrait that guarded the entrance to the Gryffindor tower. The Fat Lady seemed to be in a good mood tonight, she smiled at me while decorating the curls of her hair with flowers from a bush near her.

" Forgot the password? " she asked, watching me and I got the feeling she would let me in even without one.

" No. "

The entrance passwords changed often, yet I had never forgotten one. I didn't know if I was ready to enter. How can I behave like everything is fine, yet distance myself from Harry? My abilities to pretend were put on a test now and I wasn't that good of an actor. He'll notice, definitely he will. I had promised to myself I would never lie to him. Dumbledore's words still echoed through my head. He said that evil was living inside Harry, an evil only Dumbledore and I knew about. A piece of Voldemort that could hurt me if I allowed it too close.

With a deep breath, I spoke the password and the portrait swung backward, allowing me inside.

Inside the tower, it was pleasantly warm. The flames were dancing in the fireplace and candles lighted the tables in the common room where my housemates were sitting, doing their homework. As soon as I walked in, heads lifted and turned my direction.

" Where were you? " Hermione asked, dipping the tip of her quill into ink. " We were starting to worry if something has happened. "

" The library, " I lied effortlessly, the deceit rolled off my tongue like a poem that's been learned by heart.

No one doubted my words. Hermione went back to writing something that by the looks of it should have been finished ages ago. Ron was practicing spells in a low voice, a little crackling sound escaped his wand. As if starting to fulfill Dumbledore's request, I sat on a chair next to Neville on the opposite side of the table, away from Harry. But, having buried himself in loads of homework, he didn't notice it. I said nothing to nobody about Malfoy or Filch or Dumbledore. Instead, I looked out the window, feeling more alone than ever and I was glad Neville wasn't too much of a talker. A forced talk about the day would kill me, but Neville didn't seem to want to fill every moment of silence with talking.

The night that followed was when the first real ordeal came. Having changed into pajamas, Harry was about to get into my bed, as he usually did for months now. And I realize I cannot allow him to do it anymore. The possibility of throwing Dumbledore's warnings in the trash still lingered in my mind but I knew I couldn't do it. To ignore the advice of a very powerful and wise wizard would be a foolish thing to do.

" Harry, " I addressed him when he sat down on the bed, about to get under the covers, " would you mind sleeping in your own bed tonight? "

Confused, Harry looked at me with his bright green eyes wide. It had been a very long time since he slept in his bed.

" Why? "

This was the first of the thousand " whys " that would follow. This was the beginning of what I considered the end of Harry and my relationship. Worried that observant Harry might see through my fraud, I composed myself to give him a calm, yet convincing answer.

" I don't feel very well. I'd like some privacy. "

" What do you mean you don't feel well? We can call Madam Pomfrey then. "

" Not physically. I'm just not in good mood today. "

" Oh, then you definitely need some cuddling, " he smiled, wrapping his arms around my neck and pulling me close.

I wanted to hug him back like nothing else but I knew I couldn't. The clean aroma of washing powder came from his pajamas and mixed with the scent of soap left on his skin from the recent shower. In my head, I cursed Voldemort who had turned Harry into a Horcrux, as well as Dumbledore who forbade me to spend time with the person I cherished over everyone else in Hogwarts. It was done for a good cause, yet felt so unfair. Without Harry, even the whole magic thing seemed dull to me.

" I'm serious, Harry, " I forced myself to free from his hands, " I'd like to be alone now. "

A couple of fast emotions flickered on his face. He looked upset, thoughtful, and puzzled. I knew I would have felt the same if I was in his place. Then Harry nodded in an understanding manner and climbed down from my bed.

" Alright. As you wish. Goodnight, Thomas. "

" Goodnight. "

I was laying with my eyes open for a good while and couldn't imagine what else was expecting me. If it was so hard to tell Harry to go sleep in his bed, how was I going to explain not sitting next to him in classes or at meals? Not walking next to him through hallways? Not talking to him as much as we used to, not kissing him or holding his hand? I needed some guidance here as I didn't feel able to deal with this crap for several more months.

Soon I fell asleep and there it was – my usual empty, dreamless sleep. I didn't see reptiles or snakes or monsters coming for my head. I saw nothing, just like I did most nights at home. I didn't wake up once during the night and when I opened my eyes in the morning, refreshed and with a clear head, I was forced to admit Dumbledore was right.

I did sleep better without Harry next to me.

9