A/N: If you did not see my previous announcement on my profile this week, please read. I have begun studying for my upcoming GRE exam, and with such, I have to dedicate some of my usual writing time to my studies. It pains me to do so but I have to push out my normal publication schedule to every other week to maintain the quality of the chapters being published. Thank you to everyone who has read any of my stories thus far and I hope you continue to follow for more.
Chapter 8: No Good Horses pt. 2
When your brain isn't able to sort through all the shit that's rattling around in your head, you reach a point where all logic and reason just don't make sense anymore. Where even the words that spew out of your mouth don't quite add up. And when you lose your mind like that, you come to realize how fucked you are; if you tell anyone how far gone your brain is, they will get that look on their face like "oh bless her heart" and hover around just waiting for you to crack. But if you swear up and down that you're not crazy, well then you might as well zip up that straightjacket for yourself. Either way, no one is going to help you.
That night my mind couldn't handle the voices screaming in my skull anymore. They drowned out everything including Toby, the cars on the highway, even the radio static as he drove me home.
I couldn't stop thinking about Mom. Thinking about what she would say to me if she knew what happened, or saw how I acted. Would her eyes be filled with disappointment, as I pictured them in my head? Hell, who was I kidding. If she was still alive Lee wouldn't be dead, Beth wouldn't be a bitch, and that would be half of my problems taken off the to-deal-with list. But both she and Lee were dead and Beth still found entertainment out of treating me as if I was an unwanted outcast.
Up until that evening, I thought I was fine. It had been enough time since Lee's funeral for me to be able to think of him and not feel as if my lungs were being stabbed and deflated. It was years ago since Mom had died, and I had been able to handle it every other time except this year. The feeling of being out of control of my own head, the one thing that I had been able to possess all this time, was torturous.
There were no words that when put together in a comprehensible phrase made a reasonable apology and explanation for my meltdown. I couldn't bring myself to even look at Toby, let alone try to clarify what was going on inside my head. It was as if my entire body and soul had gone numb, unable to feel sensations or emotions.
The truck rolled to a stop out in front of the cabin and a heavy sigh rumbled from his chest.
"Mare—"
"Thank you," I finally spoke, trying to avoid any conversation heading toward demanding an apology, though, he deserved one. Before he could continue I frantically clawed at the handle, shoving the door open.
I hesitated before shutting the door once my feet hit the gravel, looking back into the cab at him. Another wave of shame and embarrassment coated the insides of my lungs as I read the confusion plastered on his face. But surprisingly, he didn't appear angry. It was more like he pitied me.
I swallowed hard, forcing words out of my throat, "It's not you, Toby." My feeble attempt at clarification wasn't to the degree that was warranted, but it would have to suffice.
Toby raised an eyebrow, trying to make sense of my vague, pitiful phrase, but didn't respond. Instead, his lips tucked into a line as he nodded politely and shifted in his seat.
And that was as good as it was going to get. I bit the inside of my lip and averted my eyes as I shut the door, the brakes whining as he reversed and retreated down the driveway.
It's not you? My mind mocked. Wow, good save.
With an exasperated groan, I folded my arms and lumbered up the cabin steps, aching for bed and refuge. Unfortunately, I was not destined to make it there just yet.
I couldn't make out the individual words, but it was clear that someone was arguing in one of the barns. Their raised voices echoed up from the stables, intermixed with grunts and snorts from the horses whose dinner had been interrupted. After a brief moment of hesitation, I realized that my siblings had gotten into it again, and I foolishly trudged down to listen.
The closer I got to the open doors that were pulled open, the clearer I could hear their argument spill out into the night like oil in the ocean. Cautious not to make my presence known, I leaned against the outer wall against the rough, painted wood and listened.
"What did I ever lose?" Jamie's tone raised in frustration. "This is the largest ranch in Montana! It's 200,000 acres larger than it was when I became chief counsel."
I rolled my eyes. Typical Jamie, bragging about every damn thing he's ever done and how he's never appreciated. As if he knew anything about that.
"Argue with him, Jamie, 'cause I just don't care," Beth retorted. "I don't give a shit about this place."
My upper lip curled.
"If Dad died tomorrow, I would sell my share to the Four Seasons and I would swim laps in the pool they built without an ounce of remorse," her words struck a chord deep inside me that made my pulse quicken in my throat. "Everything I do is for him and everything you do is for you."
"You're so full of shit," I muttered under my breath. Beth was the most selfish person I knew on the face of this earth. There wasn't a damn thing she did that wasn't for herself one way or another, whether it was making Daddy see her in a better light, or faking who she really was so that Rip would like her. I didn't believe for one second that she did anything for anyone other than herself.
"The only reason I'm here is 'cause he can't trust you." For a moment I thought she was speaking to me as if she somehow knew I was listening.
He can't trust you, I repeated in my head.
"You are so toxic," Jamie called after her before she could leave. "I can barely remember what you were like before you killed her."
Everything stopped then, even my pulse. It was as if the entire earth froze mid-rotation. I never knew Beth before Mom died, and Lee never dared talked about who she used to be back then. It was hard to imagine her, a small red-head child— probably a whiney brat no doubt.
Her boots charged across the stables only to end in what sounded like her fist connecting with Jamie's face. I considered myself lucky: I had been fortunate enough that Beth wasn't typically a hands-on kind of bully. More like she could talk you into questioning your entire existence as if it was her profession. She never once tried to lay a hand on me, and hearing her do so, to Jamie no less, frightened me.
"How does that taste, you pussy," she snapped and hit him again, Jamie's grunts and groans echoing through the barn. With each blow, I winced less and less as if I was becoming numb to the sound of abuse.
"All right, stop," he deflected and attempted to defend himself. "Drive your polluted soul back to the city where it belongs."
"Please," I pleaded as quietly as I could manage. But I knew better than to get my hopes up.
"Come on, big man," she egged him on accompanied by a slapping sound much fainter than the previous blows. "Just like old times. I wanna see you be a man, Jamie."
"Stop!" He grunted under what sounded like a fury of her hands and taunts.
"Be a man!" She yelled now, fed up with his inability to rise to her expectations. "Be a fucking man!"
I heard her fist connect with his face once more, but flinched when he countered and punched her hard enough to send her crumbling on the ground with a thud.
In the resulting silence, I felt my conscious tear in two pieces; on one hand, I hated Beth with every fiber and ounce of my being. She had never given me a single reason to call her my sister. But something was different about the way Jamie hit her, something that made me feel unsettled and uncomfortable.
"How's that for a man?" Jamie asked between pants for air.
My eyebrows furrowed as Beth chuckled sickly. "A man would have walked away." I narrowed my eyes and tried to mull her words over in my head. Despite all efforts, no one could live up to her fucking expectations.
My spine shivered as she laughed and strolled through the barn, heading in my direction. I did my best to turn and high tail it back to the house, making it as far as the corral before I heard her dry chuckle again, merely a few yards behind me.
"Figures," she chatted to the back of my head.
Don't respond, don't engage— My mind begged. I knew better than to get closer when a snake rattled its tail.
"What?" I sighed heavily, refusing to look at her. Apparently, I hadn't learned my lesson yet.
"That you and him are the same," she curtly explained. "Both of you are spineless, weak little pussies and it's a fucking miracle that Daddy hasn't shipped the two of you off to some School for Unexceptional Ladies yet."
Both corners of my jaw popped as I clenched my teeth, doing everything in my power to not let her get the better of me.
"You know, as much as I loathe Jamie," she flicked her lighter and placed a cigarette between her lips. "At least he attempts to pull his weight around here," she muttered before she took a long drag and exhaled loudly. "But you, on the other hand..." Beth walked around to the front of my rigid body, a smirk pulling up the corner of her mouth.
Her eyes locked on mine, refusing to let go. "Do you remember when Kayce wanted a dog so bad, he would beg every birthday and every Christmas for one. It didn't matter what kind it was, a lab, a mutt, a fucking poodle, he didn't care he just wanted a dog. But do you remember what Daddy finally said to him one night at dinner?"
I felt the all-too-familiar strain in my throat threaten to bring tears to my eyes as she puffed on her cigarette, blowing the smoke into my face. "He said, 'When you get a dog, you are going to have to spend time training it, cleaning up after it, feeding it. That's time and money that you could be spending caring and providing for those horses that carry you so that you can drive the cattle and put food on the table for the family. There are no creatures on this ranch that don't contribute.'"
My fists balled at my sides, my right hand pulsing against the freshly-healed wounds and dirty bandages. Tears stung my eyes but I forced them back with a hard swallow, never moving my gaze away from hers.
Lee isn't here to protect you from her anymore, I reminded myself.
"But he never got rid of you, did he? Even though you do absolutely jack-shit around here and use up resources that could go to people who actually provide services," Beth's smile made my stomach lurch. "So tell me then, why does he keep you around, if not as the family pet?"
"Shut up," I muttered, my cheeks feeling hot. Her smog burned the inside of my nose, making it hard to breathe paired with the throbbing in my throat.
"Because frankly if it were up to me, I would have shipped you down to the auction house and sold you in a parcel with other useless, lame animals. At least then you would be worth something and you could go bum off of someone else's hard-earned life while the rest of us could move on without you as a fucking tumor."
"Shut the fuck up, Beth," I managed to hiss through my teeth. I desperately wished she couldn't see how easily she got through to my core. I wanted so badly to hide every emotion, every tremble of anger, ever blush of rage so that she wouldn't feel the satisfaction of her hold on me. But just as I had crumbled in Toby's arms tonight or how I yielded to Fredred while draped over the hay bales, I begrudgingly revealed my hand to her.
She registered my lack of control over my emotions and snickered, proud of her work, and blew another puff of smoke. "See, I wish Jamie were more like you," her bright, green eyes illuminated in the blackness around us. "God, he would be so much easier to shove out of my way if he were."
Today had broken me down like that poor stallion that Jimmy was fastened to. Once a proud, fearless beast, turned into nothing than a docile, submissive creature that obeyed every command from anyone who held the reins. I couldn't let the same happen to me, especially not with her pulling the bit deeper into my mouth.
Digging deep inside myself, I mustered what little endurance I had left and directed the emotions that boiled in my mind toward her. "What is your endgame, Beth? What do you want anyway, if not to make Daddy sell the ranch? You don't give a shit about it or any of us."
She was taken back by my sudden rally. Her eyes narrowed as she folded her arms over her chest. "You don't actually care about Jamie, do you?"
"At least he treats me like family," my words tumbled out directly from my brain without going through any sort of filter. "What did I ever do to you?"
"Oh, here we go," she rolled her eyes. "Yes, poor Marley, it's all about you, isn't it?"
I forced myself to ignore her attempt at a diversion while I continued to pressure her. "No, tell me, what did I ever do to you?" I insisted. "Or are you just so guilty about what you did to Mom that you have to bring the rest of us down with you?"
"You didn't even know her," she hissed. I noticed there was a rise in her cheeks at this, but perhaps it was from the blows she took to the face.
"I know that you took her from me," I stepped closer so that I could smell the tobacco in her breath and practically hear her heart stop in her chest as her eyes widened. "You took her from all of us. You say that I don't do anything for this family, and maybe you're right." I narrowed my eyes at her, feeling my adrenaline pump through my body. I had only ever been this close to her by accidental circumstances before. "But I sure as hell know one thing. At least I'm not the one who killed Mom."
Even Beth, the gun-slinger of insults and offenses had no words. Instead, she replied with a quick slap across my face and a prompt retreat back towards the house with a hasty and flustered stride. She flicked her cigarette into the gravel as she stormed across the drive, resisting to look back at me.
The pink splotch on my cheek burned from her strike, but it was worth it. I noticed that I was holding my breath and gasped for air again. My chest heaved as my pulse began to slow. I hadn't even realized that it was pounding in my ears the whole time.
"H- How?"
I reflexively whipped around to find Jamie sauntering toward me. "How did you do that?"
"Do what?" I looked him over: nothing too bad other than a few red blemishes and a smidge of blood in the corner of his mouth. I had seen worse.
He motioned off in the direction that Beth had fled. "That. I've never seen her run away from a confrontation. What did you say to her?"
How much had he heard? Did he know I heard them? I quickly decided I didn't want him to know in the off-chance that he hadn't listened in. I shook my head and shrugged, "I think she just got bored with me. I'm apparently not as fun as you."
He rolled his eyes and groaned slightly. "I can't take much more of her being here."
"Can I ask you something?" I changed topics, but for some reason felt as if I needed to be polite about it. Why did my own brother feel so much like a stranger?
Jamie hesitated for a moment before nodding once.
"Why does she hate me so much?" I knew it was dumb to ask, but I had to see if he knew anything. "I mean, I know why she despises you— it's because she can't stand competition," I clarified, trying not to offend him. "But what did I ever do to make her hate me so much?"
I had once asked Lee why Beth was so mean to me. When I was in middle school she saw to it to make sure I never felt safe in my own house, constantly insulting me over who I hung out with, what I wore, what I did in school. Lee just shook his head and wrapped his arm around my shoulder. "Look, just stay out of her way, and she'll leave you alone. She's been through a lot." I remembered being annoyed with that answer. It was the same bullshit vague-wisdom that adults would try to force on you when they didn't want to answer your question. But since Lee asked me to drop it I obeyed and left it alone, at least until now.
His face crumpled into an expression that was a cross between pity and irritation as if he couldn't be bothered to explain a damn thing to me. He didn't want to be the one to guide me, after all. That was Lee's job and Jamie sure as hell was not a dependable stand-in.
After a moment too long of me waiting for him to come up with anything worth my time, I rolled my eyes and started towards the cabin. "Forget it," I grumbled over my shoulder, fed up with the entirety of this day.
My brain and body unanimously craved hibernation. To hide in a cave made of my bed and pillows and not come out for days. Even though my stomach rumbled in objection, I ignored it. I didn't feel like making mac 'n' cheese again. While I was sure I needed a long, good scrubbing, I couldn't be bothered to take a shower and look at my used, battered body in the mirror. I begged for silence, I needed seclusion, I wanted to be left alone.
Fuck Jamie, I wearily thought as I staggered up the cabin steps. Fuck Beth, and fuck that bastard, Fred.