Walking into the soup kitchen is an absolute blur. One minute I'm in the parking lot where Jake dropped the biggest surprise of my life on me, and the next, Edward is pulling me into his arms.

"Hey, babe." He says as I walk into the industrial kitchen. He steps to me and wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me to him. When I look at him, he has the most radiant smile on his face. I can't help but smile back.

Another second passes before he is leaning down and pressing his soft lips to mine. The tingles from his lips spread through my body in an instant, and I finally wake up out of the stupor Jake's confession put me in.

"What's going on in that pretty little head of yours?" Edward whispers when he pulls his lips from mine while still clasping his hands together behind my lower back. "You looked…spaced out when you came in."

"That's because I was." I drop my eyes and look at a tiny speck of lint on his navy blue T-shirt. "I was just told something that completely took me by surprise. I don't think I have fully processed it yet."

"Do you want to talk about it?" When I look back up, his face is a picture of concern.

I shake my head. "Not yet. I…have to figure out what…I don't know how…" I sigh in frustration.

Edward jostles his arms that are around me to get my attention. "Don't worry about it. You don't need to explain anything to me. Just know I'll be here if you want to talk about it."

I bring my hands up and twine them behind his neck. Meeting his eyes stirs something deep inside me. The sincerity of his statement is so refreshing, and I just … "I really, really appreciate that. Why are you so wonderful?"

His sexy half-smile-half-smirk turns one side of his beautiful lips upwards. "I'm only like this with you; because of you."

And just like that, Jake and his confession are forgotten.

Edward's head dips, and he gives me the sweetest and softest kiss yet. His mouth moves slowly against mine while I press myself tighter against him. The feeling he evokes in me when he kisses me like this is utterly overwhelming. I swear my heart swells to twice its size with what I feel for Edward.

When we finally pull apart, one of his hands comes up, and he drags his fingertips gently across my cheek. "I would love to see the world from your eyes. Even though I'm only twenty-three, mine are already so jaded." He sighs lightly. "Yours are so full of optimism and life and wonder. It's like you're seeing and experiencing everything for the first time."

His words hit so close to the truth and yet so far from it at the same time. I've seen so much unpleasantness growing up in the Community, but at the same time, I haven't seen or experienced anything in the outside world. It feels like there are two completely different sides of me. The Community Bella was meek and obedient on the outside while screaming on the inside. The free Bella wants to experience everything in the world but is too afraid to do it on her own.

But with Edward… "That's because, with you, I am. You are pushing me to do and see and feel things I never thought I would. I mean, I bought pants and shorts and wore them in public. If you only knew how big of a deal that was for me and the fight I had to put up with my mother to do it."

"My brave Bella Bird." He smirks down at me while my insides twist.

I absolutely loathe that he doesn't know my real name. I hate he doesn't know where I come from and why I am the way I am. I hate it because I want him to know everything about me just like I want to know everything about him.

My face turns serious as I meet his gaze. "I'm going to tell you one day soon why I am the way I am. I want you to know, but at the same time, it's dangerous to my family and me for you to know."

His loving smile slips from his face. "Dangerous?"

I bring my hand to his face and cup his cheek. "Yes. Dangerous. You'll understand when I tell you. I just have to work up the nerve to do it and find the time to explain everything when I do. There's so much about me that you'll never understand until you know about my past, and I really want you to understand me; know me."

He pulls me to him again, hugging me tightly. "Like I said earlier, I'll be here when you're ready. I can wait for you. Only you."

I bury my face in his neck and place a few soft kisses there as we hold one another.

Driving home feels like a death march. After everything with Edward this past week and especially this morning, I know I could never return the feelings that Jake confessed to have for me this morning.

I spent the entire day dreading going home and potentially breaking my best friend's heart, especially after I thought back to how he's been acting the past six months. The downtrodden expressions when I called him doofus after he called me beautiful. The way he was always pointing out how handsome and muscular he is. The way every time I suggested he ask a girl out, his face would scrunch up in a weird way—the way he wanted to go to the movies with me alone and hold my hand.

I was especially stupid for not picking up on that.

All the signs were there, and I had no clue. None. Not even an inkling of an idea, he felt anything towards me other than friendship. He's such a wonderful guy. Strong, good looking, caring, funny, protective…and yet, all I see when I look at him is a brother.

Maybe he's just confused.

I dismiss that thought almost immediately. The way he looked at me this morning made that an impossibility. He was so sure of what he was saying.

My heart sinks when I pull into my driveway. Jake's car is already there, which means he is more than likely inside and waiting for me.

I can feel my eyes already start to sting as I hop out and walk toward the door. I know I'm not going to make it through this conversation without crying.

The front door swings open just as I put my right foot on the first step to the front stoop. Jake comes outside, staring intensely into my eyes just before he pulls the door shut behind him. I catch a glimpse of my parents standing just inside the entry, staring at me.

"Bella." Jake's voice caresses my name like I've never heard before. "I've been waiting for you to get home."

I swallow the lump in my throat and nod at him. "I know."

He comes down the few steps and stands in front of me, grabbing both my hands in his and holding them between us. "I'm sorry for how I told you how I feel this morning. I shouldn't have just dropped it on you like that."

"It's okay, Jake," I say as I look down at his chest. I know when I look into his eyes again, the waterworks will start. "There would never be a time when I wouldn't be shocked like I was – still am."

"Maybe." He shrugs his shoulders. "But I had a plan. I was going to slowly get you to see me as something other than a friend and then tell you. That's why I asked you on that date last week."

"I didn't know you wanted it to be one," I say tightly. "And don't call it that because I never agreed to a date with you."

His fingers tighten around mine as he sighs. "I know I messed up. I should have just been honest, but Bella," He drops one hand and nudges my chin up with his fingertips. I meet his eyes for the first time, and I can see he sees what my answer will be in my eyes. "I want you to give me a chance."

"Jake." The first tear escapes and slides down my cheek. "I just don't feel that way about you. You're my best friend. You're like…"

He cuts me off. "Don't say 'brother.'" He drops my hands then and steps away. "Is this about that guy from the soup kitchen?"

"No…and yes." I shift on my feet, wanting to comfort Jake and knowing it wouldn't be welcome right now. He just looks so sad. "The way I feel about you and about him are so different. It helped me understand that while I do love you, it's not in that way. I want to kiss him, and with you, I want to hang out and…"

"I get it." He says shortly as he turns away from me and places his hands on his hips. "I don't need the breakdown of all the ways you feel about him versus me. Especially since you've only known the guy a week and are already all over him."

"Jake," I say angrily. "That's not fair."

"I gotta go, Bella. I don't think I'll be back for a while." The break in his voice kills me, as does the shuddering of his shoulders. He doesn't turn around as he walks to his car and gets inside. The spinning of his tires in the driveway as he tries to escape, break my heart. It's like he can't get away fast enough.

Once I can no longer see his taillights, I slowly move up the stairs and inside my house. My mom is standing by the kitchen window and has one arm crossed over her chest while the other covers her mouth. It's obvious she watched our entire interaction. My father, too, as he is standing ramrod straight and tense as a pulled bowstring against the kitchen counter facing away from me. It's clear he isn't happy.

"Bella." My mother's voice is soft and questioning.

"Not now, Mom." I brush her off and climb the stairs to my room. Once my door is shut, I fall to the bed face first and cry. How, in one day, did my lifelong relationship with Jake go to crap? I was so blind and had no clue how Jake really felt about me. He was just my best friend – like always – and now, I honestly didn't have any inkling of what was going to happen next; what our relationship with one another would look like from now on.

The only thing I knew for sure was that I didn't want to lose Jake as a friend. My best friend.

I flipped over and pulled my phone out of my pocket, and pulled up some pictures of us from this past year. Even when I look at these, all I see is my best friend's smiling face. No romantic feelings at all surface from anywhere deep down inside me. All there is, is brotherly love. The same feelings I had with Sam.

When a text comes through my phone, I sit up, thinking it could be Jake, wondering what he wants to say to me. As Edward's name flashes across the screen, though, I can't find it in my heart to be disappointed. Yes, I still want to talk to Jake and try and work everything out, but Edward does nothing but make me smile and forget everything except for him.

Tell me you'll wear jeans tomorrow. – Edward

Intrigued, I reply. What? Why? – Me

I will only tell you why if you promise not to be mad at me. – Edward

Consider me intrigued. - Me

Okay, I promise I won't be mad. – Me

Super promise? – Edward

I laugh out loud. I can just see his face now as he worries. His brows scrunched together as he runs his fingers through his coppery hair.

Super promise. – Me

Okay. – Edward

I want to have another look at that perfect ass of yours. I can't see it that well in those dresses you wear. I'm sure you noticed how much I stared at it yesterday at the bog. – Edward

I'm sorry if that bothered you. – Edward

You know what, forget it. I'm sorry I said that. I'm an ass. – Edward

Please don't hate me. – Edward

I feel the heat in my face as my lip tucks itself under my top teeth. When the texts just keep coming, I start to giggle. I've never experienced nervous Edward before, and it's absolutely adorable.

Oh God, you're never going to talk to me again, are you? – Edward

My thumbs fly over the keyboard quickly so I can put the poor guy out of his misery.

Okay. – Me

What? Okay 'you're never going to talk to me again'? – Edward

Okay, I'll wear the jeans. But only if you wear the black jeans with the holes in the knees. You weren't the only one who's been paying attention to the other's 'assets.' – Me

It's a solid minute before he replies.

Now that is something that can be arranged. 😉 – Edward

Edward solidly distracts me for the rest of the night. When I called him after dinner – that I sneaked in my room to avoid my parents – he made me promise again, for the fourth time, that I wasn't mad or offended by what he said earlier. When I told him I was more flattered than anything, I swear I could see his little half-smirk-half-smile through the phone.

At least I knew he was just as attracted to me physically as I was to him.

"So, Bella Bird, what are you doing tomorrow night?" he asks at around ten p.m. We've been on the phone for hours.

"Absolutely nothing."

"What would you say if I asked you out to dinner at the Lodge?"

"I'd say yes." I giggled. "Then I'd ask you to take me to get a snow cone from the little shaved ice truck next door."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah." I sighed into the phone.

"You don't think our lips would be too frozen from the ice to make out afterward?"

"Definitely not." The tingly feeling returns to my lady bits for the millionth time when flirting with Edward, and it reminds me that I have some research to do. I desperately want to be more knowledgeable about everything before I make a fool out of myself.

"That's good to know."

It's eleven o'clock before we hang up the phone and I hurry to my computer. It takes a few minutes to warm up as I try and organize the questions in my head. The first thing I want to know is what the tingly feeling in my lady bits is. I'm pretty sure that means I'm…aroused…but I'm not sure.

Gosh, just saying the word 'aroused' in my head makes me blush.

Once I have the browser pulled up, I type out How to tell if you're aroused into the search bar. Before I hit search, I type in woman at the end, realizing I probably need to specify my gender.

I'm surprised by the responses I find. They are very informative and educational and confirm my suspicions for me. I even walk away with a few new terms like 'turned on' and 'horny,' although I giggle at the second word. Either way, I leave the site with new insight into my own body and the reactions inside of it.

Edward turns me on.

I also discover that a man's penis gets engorged with blood and becomes hard. I mean, I know what a penis looks like, I did have a little brother whose diapers I changed, but I had no idea they changed like that. I mean, how can a body part look and feel one way one minute and another the next? Reading how it was described was confusing, to say the least.

All my mom ever told me about sex was that men stick their penises inside the woman's vagina, and she becomes pregnant. I was so confused as to how that exactly worked when they were so floppy. But knowing there is more to it now than what she described, makes sense.

Knowing this might not be the best idea, I begin to type, unable to deny my curiosity.

"Hard penis." When I finish typing, I stare at the words for a few seconds nervously before I hit enter.

At first, all that pops up are articles about something called erectile dysfunction. I move the arrow to the 'images' icon and click.

Oh! My! Gosh!

I swiftly turn my head away from the computer, and for a moment, I think I'm going to die of embarrassment. The little glimpse I had was shocking.

Don't be a coward. Don't be a coward.

I use the chant in my head to time a few deep breaths before turning back around.

My eyes widen at the sight of dozens of penises sticking straight away from men's bodies. I'm surprised at how different they all look and the variety of sizes. They definitely don't look like any penis I've seen before. There is something about them that makes me feel…well…I don't know exactly how it makes me feel. I just know it's a feeling I've never experienced before.

I scroll down a little and see a picture that has a man grabbing his penis in his hand, and his head is tossed back, his mouth hanging open with a pained look on his face.

What in the world is he doing? Does that hurt him?

Seeing there is a video link attached to the picture, I click on it, wanting to know why he would hurt himself while he is aroused.

It takes an absurdly long time for the link to connect, and when the video starts to play, I reach over and turn the volume down almost all the way.

It starts with the guy walking into the frame, his hard penis bouncing in front of him with every step. Then he wraps his hand around his penis and begins to move it up and down. His eyes close, and he lets out a long sigh.

Realizing how hot I am right now, I shrug out of the robe I'm wearing and toss it on the bed. It's probably because I feel like my entire body is blushing right about now. Part of me is yelling and screaming that this is not what I should be doing; that this is wrong, and I should turn this video off as soon as possible.

The other part of me – the one that is winning – is a bit captivated by what this guy is doing to himself. It's obvious what I originally thought from seeing his photo was wrong. He is most definitely not in pain.

A small snippet of a conversation I overheard at Jake's garage comes back to me all of a sudden. I remember his friend Quil talking about something called 'jerking off' and how he caught his brother Embry doing it the previous night while flipping through a lingerie magazine.

"Masturbation," I whisper the word I had heard in one of the movies I watched a couple of months ago. This video, plus the remembered conversation, and the context clues surrounding the word masturbation, all come together in my head. "This guy is masturbating. He's jerking off."

Now that I know what I am watching, I can peel my eyes away from the screen. He's making himself feel good by touching his genitalia, and I am completely transfixed in a way I have never been before.

The tingly feeling between my legs starts up again, which means I'm feeling aroused. Watching the guy's hand moving up and down his erect penis faster and faster while his moans grow and lengthen have me feeling hot and twitchy in my seat. The muscles contract in my legs of their own volition, squeezing together and putting pressure on my vagina. I'm surprised that the action feels good, so I do it again, this time on purpose.

The guy's groaning picks up speed along with his hand movement while his stomach muscles contract repeatedly. I have a feeling something is about to happen.

He utters a few curse words, and then…

I suck in a surprised little gasp of air as milky white liquid comes shooting out of his pee hole. His groaning moves to a new level while his entire body shudders and his hand falters in its pace. Every time some of the milky white stuff shoots out of his pee hole, it seems he shakes in pleasure. This stuff coming out of him must feel good for him.

The naked guy lets go of himself after a while and then moves to the camera just before the video turns off.

I sit there for probably a good five minutes trying to process everything I just figured out and watched. The longer I think about it, the more upset I feel.

My parents didn't teach me anything about anything. I am nineteen years old, and I had no clue a man's penis got hard or that they shoot something out of them that is most definitely not pee. I feel so much like such a complete idiot that I begin to cry.

How can I not know so much about men's and women's bodies and what they can do? Why have I never had any more questions for my parents? I just took what they said at face value and never questioned them.

"A man puts his penis in a woman's vagina, and that's how she gets pregnant." My mother's exact words ring through my head. I was so confused about how that would happen that I didn't even think to ask any more questions. I was too preoccupied with trying to figure out those semantics.

I mean, I guess I never really had the desire to know or learn anything else until now, until Edward came along, and I got all these new feelings.

I roughly wipe away my tears and scoot back up close to my computer screen. Determination fills every pore of my body as my hands move to the keyboard. My fingers move and type out sex education. The little searching icon pops up while I eagerly wait for the results to load. It's going to be a long night because I am determined to know everything there is to know about sex and men and women's bodies by dawn.

I refuse to feel so clueless and stupid ever again.

By the time my alarm goes off at seven-thirty the next morning, I've only gotten four hours of sleep. After my marathon researching last night, I'm almost positive I know everything under the sun about sex and self-gratification. I am completely full of new terms and a whole slew of slang words to go along with them.

I didn't watch any more videos. I didn't think I was ready to watch another one until I knew everything there was to know.

Rolling out of bed, I grab the hand mirror I stole from the bathroom last night and take it with me as I go to take a shower. After reading about a woman's clitoris and what it did, I had to take a look for myself. It took a little bit of digging, but I did find what the article on the website was describing. How something so tiny can bring a woman such pleasure is a complete mystery to me.

I refused to touch it for that reason alone. I didn't want to accidentally make myself have an orgasm – something else I didn't know about – by touching it. After reading how many nerve endings there are in that tiny thing, I was surprised that I didn't know it was there until now. But then again, it is hidden under some wrinkly skin and hair.

Lots of hair.

That is another thing I'm going to have to take care of. Grooming. I should keep my pubic hair short and trimmed to help with hygiene and aesthetics. Some articles even suggested I shave it off completely. I'm not so sure about that suggestion, though. It seems like a lot of work to keep it that way.

Once I'm done with my shower, I move to my room and smile as I slip on the pair of jeans I bought on Saturday and a cute, frilly white floral shirt I bought a couple of months ago. I spin in the floor-length mirror that sits in the corner of my room and look at my butt a few times. After a particularly long inspection, I decided it probably, maybe, more than likely looks pretty cute in these jeans. I grin when I think about Edward staring at my butt whenever he gets a chance and me doing the same to him.

After straightening my hair, I hurry downstairs with my bag to grab some breakfast. I almost stop dead in my tracks when I see my parents sitting at the table with solemn looks on their faces. My dad looks like he is barely reading the newspaper he is holding in front of him. His eyes can't stay on the page long enough to read anything because he keeps glancing at me.

For just a moment, I wonder why they're acting like this until I remember what happened yesterday with Jake.

The ball of sadness and worry I carried after speaking with him last night returns and tightens inside my chest.

How in the world could I forget Jake and what happened?

Then again, it feels as though so much has happened between then and now. I feel like a different person after everything I learned. Also, I had Edward distracting me all evening on the phone. I always seem to forget everything else but him when I'm with him or speaking to him.

I clear my throat softly as I continue into the kitchen. My parents drop their eyes from me for only a moment before I can feel them burning into my back as I scoop some eggs out of the frying pan and snag a piece of bacon.

I try to walk out of the kitchen with my food to go into the living room, avoiding my parents, when my dad kicks out the chair across from him. His wordless order has me changing direction and sitting at the kitchen table.

I am able to count to ten in my head before my mother asks me about what happened with Jake yesterday.

"Bella, you talked with Jacob yesterday, right? He told you how he felt?"

I halt chewing my food for a moment before I swallow it and look up at her. "Yes, and yes."

"Then why did he leave so quickly?"

"Because he didn't like what I had to say in response," I tell her as I study her face. "Did you know how he felt about me? That he wanted to be something more than friends?"

This time, my dad chimes in. "It was as obvious as the sunrise, Bella."

"Not to me, it wasn't." My voice raises slightly in indignation. "Why didn't either one of you says anything to me?"

"We thought you knew and were too shy to make the first move with him," my mom says.

"He's my best friend, Mom. He's like a brother to me."

"So you don't think of him that way?" she asks again.

"Bella, why not give the boy a chance?" Dad folds down the paper he isn't reading and leans forward. "Go out with him and see where it goes. You just might be surprised at how you feel after you kiss him a few times."

My eyes tighten at his suggestion. "I. Don't. Feel. That. Way. About. Him." My teeth are locked tightly now. "I am so tired of people telling me to do what they think is best for me. 'Don't bite your nails. It's gross, and boys don't like it.' 'Don't say that word; it's not ladylike.' 'Don't talk back to the Shepherd's new wife. She only wants what is best for the children of the Community.' 'Don't watch that show. It's too vulgar for you.' 'Don't speak to that boy in the store. He only wants to flirt with you.' 'Go out with Jake; you'll change your mind after he kisses you.'"

I push away from the table in frustration after my tirade of all the things I've been told over my life that made me mad. "And no, Dad, kissing Jake will not change how I feel about him. I didn't lead him on, nor did I ever give him any indication that I liked him as anything more than a friend. I'm sorry that I hurt him, but he will always be like a brother to me."

Dad matches my frustration and tosses down the newspaper on the table angrily. "That boy has been there for you since you two were in diapers. He loves you with all his heart. The least you can do for him is give him a chance."

God, I really don't want to be having this conversation anymore. It will go nowhere good.

I sigh heavily and turn to face him fully after grabbing my bag. "No, Dad. The least I can do is be his best friend like I always have been." I can see he is about to speak again, so I cut him off and say something I know will shut him up. "Besides, Jake doesn't turn me on like Edward does."

His eyes grow comically wide, and he begins to choke on air, pounding on his chest as my mom gasps in shock, her hand dramatically covering her heart.

I take the opportunity to leave uninterrupted and don't look back as I walk out the front door.

So, Bella decided to educate herself (thank goodness!) and now she's wanting to take full control of her life despite the disappointment she might feel her parents feel towards her.

Also, do any of you feel sorry for Jake? Even a little?

Lastly, sorry this update took longer than expected. RL got real crazy there for a min. I've been having to work doubles all week and am scheduled to work doubles all next week. I promise there will not be longer than a two week wait for the next chapter. And while you're waiting, check out this group headed up by the almighty Fran S. Flower (SunflowerFran), my amazing beta! You'll find great story suggestions and all-around awesome twilight and Rob Pat related goodness. Just remove the spaces between the address! www. facebook groups/ 896806390388220/ Just remove the spaces.