A/N: Hi everyone! So excited to get this chapter out here! There are a lot of scenes and a lot of twists and turns in this episode, so buckle in!
Also, after last chapter someone messaged me saying, 'Started an account just to follow you.' etc. etc., so I spent like 15 minutes going through to find that there are a lot of you who have accounts just following this story and me. And wow, I didn't even think that was a reality. I am humbled and honored. Thank you so much for your time and your appreciation. You all make it so worth it.
Saying goodbye to Jacob was harder than I had expected. Over a week away from his mom proved to be a few days too many and the mention of being separated for over 12 hours again sent him into a tailspin.
"MOMMY! DON'T WEAVE ME!" His eyes welled up with tears as he clung to Alison's shirt while walking him to his room in the house.
"I know, Bug. Being separated from each other is hard on me too. But it's just for tonight; I will be with you all day tomorrow."
"NOT AMORROW! NOW!" With his legs cinched around her waist, Carter's attempts at peeling him off of her were futile.
"Can you help?" Alison mouthed my way as I stood dumbstruck in the doorway.
I teetered back and forth hesitantly before scratching the back of Jacob's neck, "Hey, J? Can your mom and I come read you a bedtime story?"
Wiping his nose on Alison's shoulder, Jacob turned to face me, "You stay duh night, E?"
"Sweetheart, Emily's coming with me tonight. We'll both see you in the morning."
"I know Daddy grabbed some of your favorite books for us to read. Let's go look at those. Wanna get off Mommy and come hold my hand? We can check them out together." He shook his head, bundling Alison's sweater further into his hands.
"Jake, I'm not leaving until you fall asleep. You won't even know I'm gone. Come on, sweetheart." She began stomping down the hall, as picking up her legs with Jacob wrapped around her proved to be more difficult than it first looked. "Emmy, can you go grab his pj's for me?"
"Yeah, Jake. I made sure to wash your favorites last night so you'd have them for the trip." Carter added from behind us. I looked behind Alison to give him an encouraging nod as Carter wiped his hand through his hair, obviously as frustrated as the rest of us.
Pulling his pajamas from his bag on the floor, I started replying as Alison struggled to get into the room, "Oh wow! Look at these great pajamas with so many fancy animals on them! No wonder you like them so much!" I looked at Alison confused as I had no idea what the animals on his pajamas even represented.
"Octonauts…" she whispered.
"Your Octonauts! Can you come tell me about all the characters, J?" My question prompted him to look over his shoulder for the first time.
"I don't wanna story!" He mumbled before kicking his feet to get down.
Alison sighed, as he slunk from her arms, shaking them out gratefully, "We don't have to read a story then, baby. What's going on? This isn't like you." I tossed his pj's Alison's way before moving back toward his bag for alternative options, while overhearing parts of their conversation as Alison got him dressed for bed. "What do you mean Emily knows?"
"We said in duh caw. Member E? Afore lunch?"
I lifted my head, suddenly understanding the outburst. "Right. You want to talk to your mom about that together, bud?"
He nodded, "You tell her fo me?"
Pulling his top over his head before patting his bed, she stood staring at me confused. "I was going to tell you tonight, babe. I didn't think he'd hold onto it."
"Yeah, alright." She agreed, "Lay down for us, and we can stay and talk with you."
I sat on the other side of the bed, reaching for Alison's hand as I stared down at Jacob, "So you want to talk about the eye doctor today and our conversation in the car, right?"
"Yes, iss why I scared."
"Okay…" I squeezed Alison's hand as I started, "Jacob was very scared at the doctor today because he thought that they were going to tell him he was sick again. He kept asking to sit in my lap or hold my hand. And at one point, he even curled himself in my lap because he was so nervous. After hearing that he just needed glasses for nystagmus, you know, what I was describing on the phone before we boarded, his eyes started watering like he could finally express his fear after hearing everything was alright."
Alison leaned forward to brush hair out of Jacob's eyes, "Today was scary for you?"
"E heped but yes. I fought dat if I was sick dat evewyfing would be wooined again."
"That sounds like a lot for one little kid to carry, sweetheart. You being sick wouldn't ruin anything; it would just be a bridge we would all have to cross together. But I'm so sorry for not being there today. I didn't think about what the eye doctor might be like after last time… Mommy's been kind of preoccupied this past week, hasn't she?"
"But iss okay. You taked cawe of Nana; I taked cawe of Daddy."
"Hey, J?" I interrupted, as he little eyes looked up at me, "You do know that it's our job to take care of you. Your job is to keep being the best little boy in the world; that's it."
"But E –"
Patting his stomach, Alison interjected, "It's hard to be strong all of the time, Bug. Isn't it a lot for you to try and keep everything okay for Mommy and Daddy? Aren't you tired of trying to be strong? You don't have to be, baby boy. These aren't your worries."
"But wast time – "
"Jacob, that was last time." Alison sighed, turning her body to be able to lay down next to him, "You know how over the past 4 years, you have gotten bigger and stronger and taller? Even though Mommy's older, that doesn't me that I stopped growing. I am bigger and stronger now too. Last time, I wasn't ready for everything that came with you being sick, but this time I would be. It would still be incredibly hard. I would still cry and struggle some days, but I would be better. I'm sure seeing your Dad and I so torn up made you think that somehow this was your burden to carry, but it's not." Her hand ruffled through his hair again as she placed a small kiss on his temple.
"Do you fink wife would be easiew if I was wif Nana doh?"
Alison's eyes jumped to mine on the opposite side of the bed, panicked. I nodded before placing my hand on her upper thigh and speaking, "We talked about this today, J. Do you remember what I said?"
"You say dat I am esactly whewre I'm posed to be."
"You're right. And that all of us are afraid of things, but in life we're supposed to learn how to become bigger than our fears. So maybe some things would be easier for you if you were with Nana, but life here, for us, your dad, and everyone else, would be so much harder."
"Do you believe that Jake? That you're where you're supposed to be?"
"Mos of duh time. I juss don't want to be sick again."
"Yeah, Bug. Me either." Alison wrapped her arm around Jacob's back as she brought him into her, her eyes brimming with tears as she looked back at me. "You know, sometimes when we have big feelings like this, it can be easier to talk to someone who isn't one of us or Emily? Do you think you'd like that? If Mommy and Daddy took you to see someone who can do a better job of listening and helping you sort through all these big feelings? Because you're carrying a lot for a little boy."
"Would it hep?"
"Probably." She whispered, scratching his back, "Mommy's talked to people before about big feelings. Sometimes, they can help you sort out everything that's confusing for you. And you don't ever have to worry about hurting Mommy or Daddy's feelings. You can just talk about absolutely anything."
"I can talk bout Emlee?"
"If you want, sure."
"And Nana? And twucks? And Pawker? And cancer?"
"Anything you want, Bug." Alison leaned back to kiss his forehead, "How does that sound? Want us to set up something after your appointment next week?"
"Okay, Mommy."
"Okay?" She nodded, a tear squeaking out. I reached over suddenly to wipe it away before Jacob could catch it. "Okay. That's good. That's really good."
"Do you need a story now, J?" I asked, holding up a few books from his bag.
"No. I be awwight. You be back in duh morning?"
"First thing in the morning. There's just not enough beds here for us, Bug."
"Thank you for talking to us about why you were scared today. This weekend's going to be a lot for all of us, so your mom or I may need you tomorrow too."
"I be dere."
"I know you will be. You're the greatest son I could've ever asked for. I love you so much."
"I love you too, Mommy."
"Goodnight."
The entire ride home Alison sat silently, staring out the window as I drove. She allowed my hand to rest on her leg as I scratched back and forth to center her. But even in her allowance of my touch, she was distant. Despite Jacob wanting to discuss the events of the day, I knew that it wouldn't be best. That hearing those things directly from your son would hurt worse than if we had the chance to speak about them alone. I was intending to speak about them alone. Alison paced to our hotel room from the elevator without looking back for me, seeing the car and elevator as a confined space trapping her feelings desperately inside. I jogged after her, catching the door before it could slam behind her.
Her hands were wrapped around her waist as though giving herself a hug. "Emmy?" She asked, her back facing me.
"Yeah, babe?" She turned with her lips pursed, the right side of her gums tucked into her teeth as she crashed against my frame. "Awh, Ali…"
"Did I do okay?" She whispered against my shoulder.
My hands pressed flat against her hips as I rounded them around to her back. "You always do."
"I just – I don't – I don't get what he meant. Is he okay?"
"Here. Let's go sit." I went to move her backward to walk, but she stayed in place. "You pulling a Jacob?" I asked as she nodded. "That's fine. Get ready to jump." Her lips rested against my neck waiting for my hands to cup her ass before she hopped onto my hips. "Better?"
"Much." Her lips tickled against my neck, making me shudder as I rotated to sit on the bed with her still in my arms. "Why would he say he wants to be with Nana? I knew that whatever he's dealing with was out of my scope in that moment." She nestled into my crossed legs while keeping her arms wrapped around my neck and her head against my shoulder.
"In the car, he said that he has dreams with Nana in them. That they have fun together, and it makes him wonder if he should've been there to be her friend. He doesn't mean it crudely or something, babe."
Her fingers circled the hairs on my neck, "That makes me feel a little better. Do you think I was right to ask about him seeing a therapist?"
"I do." I replied, nestling my hand along the bottom of the back of her shirt. "He really believes that he's responsible for you and Carter's every emotion. He's terrified of being the cause of something going wrong. I'm sure it causes a lot of anxiety for him."
"I can't even imagine. But I see why he would think that. I mean, for a lot of his childhood, it has been like that. Not intentionally, but only getting him half the time means that when he's with me, I try to make him my world. So the big things he does are celebrated and exalted, and when he had a bad day, I focused on it. Like we would talk about his bad days and why they were bad and how I would've dealt with a situation he was in at a school if I were him. I can only assume Carter does the same. Being with you, and him seeing me with you, is kind of the first time he's seen me have a wide range of emotions in front of anyone else."
"That makes sense, Ali. And I would never tell you how to parent, but based on what you just said, I assume you need to find more of a balance. Like – " I paused, " – do you mind if I lean back? My back is kind of – "
"Emmy? You're legitimately in pain? Lean back, you don't have to ask."
"I didn't want to surprise you or mess you up if you were comfy in a ball like this." I chuckled while leaning back, causing Alison to stretch out her legs and resituate herself against me.
"You're so sweet. Thank you." She reached out to lace our hands together before bringing them to her lips for a kiss against my thumb. "I love you for everything you do."
"I love you, too." I sighed, "Where was I?"
"I need to find a balance." She said it lovingly, as though talking about herself outside of her son was more of an enjoyment than a struggle.
"Right, right. It seems like Jacob needs to see more of a balance from you, emotionally and personally. I know you're his mom, but he has to know that he's not your only thing."
"He sees me with you…"
"But that's what? 8 days a month, maybe? What about joining a bowling league or something that meets every week?"
"Emily Fields? Are you trying to tell me I need a hobby?" She tickled her fingers against my side.
"Or like a book club? I don't know! Something where he knows that when he's with you, you also have other things too? Some sort of distance. Even if it's while I do math with him or something?"
"What if I promise to look into it?"
"Perfect." I kissed her temple. "It's just a thought. If it doesn't work, I didn't say a thing."
"Thank you for taking him to the doctor today." She looked up at me before kissing me softly, pulling away while whispering, "We do have to talk about why you still have that silver band on your left hand though…"
"I what?" I pulled back, lifting my hand to realize that Alison was right. I hadn't moved the ring all day. Fumbling to switch hands, Alison stared up at me in amusement. "I must have forgotten."
"I'm just giving you shit, Emmy. But your call today made my whole day. When the receptionist said 'your wife', my stomach dropped."
"How the fuck do you think I felt? I hadn't even considered the HIPPA violation. I was just trying to help, and here I am committing fraud!" Our smiles met each other as she placed her palm against my cheek.
"They got all of my information, babe. None of yours will be filed. You're okay." Her thumb brushed against my lips, "You have nothing to worry about. There's no need for you to fake being my wife again."
"I didn't say – "
"Shh… I'm giving you shit again. There's no need to panic." She readjusted herself, placing her right hand to my side in order to flip herself to be parallel with me. "My stomach dropped for an entirely different reason though. Like in a strange way, it felt… right?"
"I was a little shy about it. Mostly, it made me happy to you so happy on the phone; you lit up."
Despite how happy I felt in that moment, I also felt dejected. Seeing her smile was all I wanted for our life together and to see her internal glow from simply having the title of being mine made me feel insanely guilty. The thought of being the person deterring that smile from crossing her lips every morning when she woke up destroyed me. That all she wanted was my dedication and even that was difficult for me to give. The thoughts battered my brain as I trudged through ways to temper the continued trembling in my bones over an issue that was meant to be solely temporary.
Noticing I was lost in thought, Alison traced her finger against my cheek to get my attention, "There is one thing though that was off about it."
Her lips brushed against mine as she hesitated waiting for my reply, "And what's that?"
"There's no way that I'm not taking your last name." My eyes opened in confusion as she pressed her lips against mine. I pulled my hand up to her jawline to softly pull her away.
"What was that?"
"If we get married, I want to take your name." She leaned forward again as I interrupted once more, "I love my parents, but it would be confusing for our family to have 3 last names. I can't have kids. Jacob doesn't have my last name. If you're blessed with having children, they'll have your last name. So, I might as well have it, too."
"You've actually thought about this?"
She nodded shyly, "And Alison Fields sounds so much better than Emily DiLaurentis."
"And combining last names – ?"
" – Is pretentious and I won't do it."
"Okay… if we get married, you can take my name."
She squealed against me before pulling me in again. My mind finally settling enough to let go in her arms. She covered my face with small pecks in praise. The littlest of concessions brightened her world. Alison reveled in any step forward, no matter how miniscule in frame they appeared to me. My progress was her progress was our progress. And in that thought, she was secure. But my worries still haunted me. In fact, the closer I stepped toward a decision, the more I felt plagued. The more I worried that if I didn't catch up in time, she would leave. She would abandon me and abandon this. Because nothing really was stopping her. I alone had to be enough.
"Alison?" I asked mid-smooch, smiling into her pouty lips as she leaned back, "What if at some point I'm not enough for you?"
She paused, placing her hand on my chest while pulling her body slightly off of mine on the bed, "What are you talking about? That was progress."
"Sure. But at some point, I'm going to have to hit a barrier, right? And what if at that point, when I stop having the ability to progress, it's not enough for you?"
"Why would you stop progressing, Emmy?"
"Because some of this shit is hard." I started to sit up, causing Alison to roll to her right. "Some of this isn't just me casually saying 'wife' in a doctor's office to get Jacob the care he needs. Some of this isn't casual promises of taking my last name. Some of this shit means that something is physically fucked up inside of me. Some of this shit is me having to actually process the fact that I was left behind. That I was deemed 'not enough'. That someone I saw as forever decided that marriage wasn't for us. Some of this shit isn't simply playing house, Alison. Some of this actually fucking hurts and is brutal and destroys me inside daily." My head in my hands, I peeked out to my right. Only to find Alison's legs thrown off the side of the bed next to me.
"Is that what you think?" She murmured, "You think we're just 'playing house'?" Her fist clenched next to her before she stood, walking for the restroom and closing the door behind her.
"Ali, that's not – fuck." My mind spiraled trying to figure out where this went wrong. Where what I stated and what I actually meant diverged. I hustled to the restroom door, placing my palms against the frame desperately. "Sweetheart, can you open the door?" Silence. "Alison, I know what I said, okay? I didn't – I didn't mean it how it came out. I love what we have and how we find happiness the smallest of victories. I love how we've grown and improved and I – I was just saying that at some point our conversations about this stuff won't be easy. It's not all going to be simple. But I realize that what I said was insensitive and came off – "
"Emily, I need you to give me like 10 minutes."
"Like a cool off?" I asked, knowingly smirking at the conversation we had over a month ago about how we would solve issues together.
But Alison didn't seem as impressed by me following through, "Yes, a cool off. Please walk away from the door and give me a minute."
"Of course… I'll give you the room. Give me like 3 minutes to put back on my shoes, and I'll go for a walk. I'm sorry. I love you."
"I love you, too."
As the door closed behind me, I held onto to the frame so that my legs wouldn't collapse out from under me. Playing house. What the fuck? What did that even mean, and why would I even consider saying it? Hell, the basic things we did together every day were the moments I cherished the most. Making each other breakfast. Cuddling in her arms. Bringing her water when I noticed her cup getting low. Reaching for her hand when it fluttered anxiously next to me. Her driving me to work daily. Her having dinner made when I got home a few times a week. Her innate ability to quell my most burdening thoughts. If that was all our relationship was made up of, just those things, then I wanted to 'play house' for the rest of my life. I wanted her for the rest of my life. And in a moment of self-doubt, I threw all that I knew out. I threw all that I loved out. All for a phrase.
While down in the lobby to put a bottle of wine and a bar of chocolate on our room, Alison texted me to 'come back whenever [I was] ready'. I half-heartedly smiled at the receptionist before turning to go back to our room, my hand lightly shaking at not knowing the anger or frustration I'd find on the other side of the door. I knocked to not startle her.
"I'll be right there, Emmy." I heard her voice. She sounded okay. And as she opened the door, I watched as her eyes, still glassy from tears, upturned slightly as she leaned against the door.
"I come bearing gifts!" I looked down shyly, walking inside before turning to kiss her cheek.
She sighed, "Thank you. But let's talk first, okay?" I nodded as we took our places back on the bed, turning to face each other as she connected her hand with mine. "I'm not going to be able to do this without crying."
"That's okay. I fucked up. I understand." My thumb hovered over hers, delicately tracing my silent 'I love you's' into her skin.
"No, it's not that. I mean, it is that. But not how you think. I know how these conversations come off to you, Emily. That I get happy and excited at any progress we make, but please, don't be fooled." She looked down, biting her lip to try and hide her voice cracking, "None of this is easy for me. None of this is simple. Watching you lose yourself in thought multiple times a day and knowing that you're ridiculing yourself over a decision that you don't need to make yet. Seeing how getting even the smallest of triumphs wreaks havoc on your thought processes. Knowing that by forcing you to address some of this stuff, all I do is hurt you."
"But at the same time, it's not easy for me either. It's not easy or simple to look at you and see the woman I want to raise my child with and know that you question if I want the same. Not because of anything I did, but because your brain refuses you to look at us and see an outcome that is positive or beneficial. Waiting for you isn't easy, Emmy. Balancing all of this isn't easy or simple, and if I make it look that way, then I need to be more transparent for you."
"But in no way are we 'playing house'. This isn't imaginary for me. This isn't a façade. This isn't anything that I can picture myself ever stopping. This isn't a game for me, Emily. You are not a game. Regardless of what you meant, loving you is hard every single day. Because a lot of the time, it feels like I'm the only one loving you. That you look in the mirror and just see…" She looked briefly away, wiping away tears, "What did you say? Somedays I think you look in the mirror and see someone who is fucked up inside. Someone who was left behind. Someone who is not enough. Right? That's what you said?" I gulped while nodding in reply, "And on those days, which don't happen all the time, but are definitely there. Those days are the hardest for me because all I want is to prove to you that you are none of those things. That you are so amazing and strong and brilliant and loved. That you weren't left behind but intentionally sent my way. That you are everything." A smile cracked through her small tears, "That you are everything to me, Emily. And what you said hurt because I can't even imagine a world where you think we're 'playing house' because to me we are building an entire future. I accept all that I can from our conversations because I want you to know how much I consider you. How much you are a part of my every thought for the future. How much I admire the struggle you are going through, the battle you are taking on for our betterment. I – I –"
"Take a breath, sweetheart. You're alright."
"I look at you, Emily, and I am so proud of you. I am so proud to be yours. And I don't know what it will take for you to be proud for who you are too. I don't know how to fix this, but I won't accept what you said. I won't accept the idea you have that at some point in time, you won't be enough for me. You are already so much more than enough. If who you are right now – exactly the woman in front of me right now – if you stayed exactly this for the rest of our lives, that would be enough."
"Even – "
"Even if you never wanted to get married. Even if you went back on wanting kids. Even if I had to traverse half the Earth to spend half my time with you. You, by my side, would be enough."
"That's not fair to you though, Alison. That's not – "
"Fuck fair, then. If you continue to love me, provide for me, take care of me, and give that same love to Jacob, then fuck fair."
I shook my head in disbelief of her words, looking up to the ceiling to wipe the tears built up in my eyes, "You say that now, but you would grow to resent me. Not being married, not having kids. You would resent the fact that a different future may exist out there for you."
"I could never resent a day with you. Emmy, my love is not dependent on you overcoming your struggles. My love is not dependent on anything except your love in return. I don't want you worried about this 'is she going to leave' bullshit. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not. It's that easy. Loving you is the easiest thing in the world. And if you getting healthier and stronger mentally means that I need to drop my pretenses of marriage and kids, then they're gone. If it makes you stop beating yourself up over something you had no control over, then by all means, it's gone. Sure, it would be easier if we were married, but if at some point we decide that we want to fully enter a partnership, I can still change my name. We can still have kids. We can still do whatever you're comfortable with." She leaned forward, closing her eyes as our foreheads pressed together, "Just heal yourself, Emmy. Please realize that you will always be enough."
"I'm sorry." I mumbled, bringing my hands up to cover and wipe my eyes, "I thought you were mad at me. I didn't mean to make you change your ideas of the future."
"Baby? I need you to look at me." She whispered, cupping my chin in her hand as I slowly brought my eyes to hers, "You are my future. You are my only idea of the future."
"But – "
"Emily? Do you love me?"
"Yeah, of course I do." I replied sharply, wondering why she would even ask.
"Do you love Jacob?" A nod my only reply, "Are you okay with taking care of our hearts for as long as humanly possible?"
"Alison…"
"Answer me, please."
"Yes, for as long as I can."
"And do you trust that I will do the same for you?"
"I have no doubt."
"Then, that's all I need." She pulled my forehead to her lips. "All" To my right cheek. "I" To my left cheek. "Need." To my lips. "I love you."
"I love you, too, Alison."
She smiled at me, briefly wiping away a tear. "Nothing attached."
Alison let me sleep in the next morning as she anxiously scrambled around the room to get ready. I wasn't sure how long she had even attempted to sleep as I fell asleep long before she did with her softly humming in my ear as I lay wrapped in her arms. Her alarm went off a little after six, wanting to make it back to her grandparents' home before Jacob was awake for too long just in case he woke up still upset from the night before. After a few tosses and turns, I decided that I should at least get up and use the restroom.
Peering through the door, I caught Alison's eye, sending her into a breathtaking smile. "Sorry." She shrugged apologetically while putting on makeup in her lingerie, "Did I not crack the door far enough? I'm sorry if I let light in."
"No, it's wasn't you." I walked toward her, slinking my arms around her waist from the side, "You're perfect." I kissed her temple before turning toward the mirror to soak us both in. "You ready for today?"
"With you and Jake with me? Definitely." Her palm wrapped around the back of my upper thigh as she stood on her tiptoes for a short kiss, before letting me go to pee.
"Have I ever told you how pretty you are?" I asked into the mirror from my seated position.
"Once or twice, love." She smirked.
"As long as you know…" Alison scooted to the right as I began washing my hands, leaning over mid-wash to kiss her again. "Hey? I'm here for whatever you need. Don't put on a mask today."
She shook her head, pulling away to cup my face in her right palm, "Never for you, Emmy." Turning back to continue putting on her mascara as I dried my hands off, she continued, "So it's okay if I stay by your side today? You don't mind clingy?"
"Cling away, sweetheart." I kissed her temple gently before turning away, only to suddenly be grabbed around my waist from behind. "Oh my god!" I screeched, folding over at my waist.
"Even if I'm this clingy?" She whispered, kissing the side of my neck.
"I don't think being this clingy is appropriate for a funeral, baby." I melted into her chest without a second thought.
I felt her smile against my neck, "But you love it?"
Rotating, I pulled her closer to me to be nose to nose, "But I love it."
"And I love you. You feeling better this morning?"
"Much. You know, you're an excellent nurse."
"How else can I keep up with you, Doctor?"
"Mmm… I love when you call me that." Alison licked her lips just before our kiss, slipping in her tongue at first contact. Her hands still around my waist, laced behind my back as mine snuck up her side to cup her breast through her bra. She groaned into my mouth while pressing her hips into mine, leading my right hand to open and hold her closer to me. I hummed into her smile before pulling away, "But we can't risk messing up your hair or makeup right now."
She pushed off of me with her palms, pouting, "I know, and we have to get to Jake before he freaks out again this morning."
I reached for the tips of her fingers to connect our hands, "How about this? If today doesn't destroy you and somehow you're still in the mood, say the magic word, and I'm all yours." I traced my thumb in her palm.
"What's the magic word?" Alison lifted my hand to her lips.
I started to walk away while replying, "That's not how this works, Ms. DiLaurentis. It's only been 2 months, but I do know you."
"Do you?"
"Mhm-hmm. If I tell you the magic word right now, you're just going to say it right now."
"Emmy…"
"Am I wrong?" I looked over my shoulder while reaching into my suitcase for a new bra.
"No…" She dug her foot into the carpet.
"I'll tell you the word later today. But you look sad and pouty, so I'll give you a consolation prize right now. But no funny business, babe. Eyes only." I grinned, ushering my hand forward, "Sit down for me?"
And as she looked up from the bed at me endearingly and without another word, I dropped my pajamas to the floor.
Walking hand in hand with Jacob into the funeral home, I realized that I was continually impressed by Carter and Alison's ability to co-parent. They walked in front of us, also hand in hand, as Carter spoke toward her softly, kissing the side of her head before opening the front door of the church. He took care of her regardless of circumstance. Before himself, he sought to make sure she was alright. That his best friend from childhood was alright in the face of her grandmother's passing. His behavior was loving, sure, but in no way did I find it to be romantic. Today was about support, and the best way he knew to do that was by her side.
"You look handsome today, J." I looked down next to me to the child who had revolutionized my world, looking dapper in his little tuxedo and bowtie.
He paused, finding his words, "You look handsome aday, too."
"Awh, thank you." I replied endearingly, "Now, I will never mind being called handsome by you, but just for educational purposes, typically you call a woman pretty or beautiful. Handsome is usually reserved for men."
"Oh. You call Mommy beautiful?"
"Every single day." I reached to open the door that recently closed in front of us, "Actually though, this morning I called her 'pretty'."
"Dis morning?"
"Yeah! You think I would lie to you? When I said every single day, I meant that."
"I wike dat. I fink iss bery nice to say." He pulled on my jacket, "Is aday scawy?"
"It doesn't have to be scary if you don't want it to be. Today is about honoring your Nana. Maybe think about it as a celebration of her life and all of the happy times you two had?"
"Like in my dweams?"
"If that's a time that makes you happy, then of course, J." We walked inside, grabbing programs before heading down the aisle to our seats next to Alison. "You want to sit next to Mommy or Daddy?"
"Whewe are you sitting?"
"Next to your Mom, most likely."
"Okay, I'll sit next to Daddy den."
I flipped my hand to give him a low five, "Sounds like the perfect plan." Sneaking past Alison and Carter both, I sat down next to her, reaching for her hand, "How are you, babe?"
"I'm good." She turned to give me a kiss on the cheek, "You look gorgeous today, by the way."
"Someone here had to try to compete with you."
Alison fell against my shoulder, "Such a kiss up."
I knew her intimately. That her easiest way to deflect was through compliments and her endearing nature. "Remember, no mask today, Ali?"
"No mask."
"And so I ask again, how are you?"
She sighed, "I don't quite know how to feel."
"I'll take that… I've got you no matter what."
"More than anything, I know that for sure."
The service went off without a hitch as Alison ebbed and flowed between stoicism and inconsolability. She clung to the fabric of Carter's pant leg with her right hand as her head tucked into my neck. I wrapped my arm around her shoulders to pull her into me. It was as though she didn't want to face the view in front of her, which not only included the slideshow of her grandmother, but her grandfather, parents, and ex in-laws in the pew in front of us. It was difficult to address their grief on top of her own.
As the service concluded, Alison reached for Jacob without second thought, pulling him into her arms as a sense of comfort. "You're doing good job aday, Mommy. Nana is pwoud of us."
"Is she, Bug?" Alison asked, kissing her son's temple while Jacob nodded in reply.
"Yeah, iss okay to feel sad." He placed both hands on either side of her face, looking at her intently. "Do we get do go home now?"
"We don't go home until tomorrow, Jake. Right now, we're headed to a cemetery for Nana's burial."
"What's a worrial?"
I laughed, coming in to place my hand on both of their shoulders, "A burial, J. It's a place where you can always go to be close to Nana."
Alison brushed his hair out of his eyes, "It's where her body will be, but Nana can always be there with you, you know? Like your dreams?"
His eyes got wide, "You know bout my dweams?"
"Is okay that I told her? Mom was confused about what you meant last night at bedtime, so I told her."
"I'd love to hear about them sometime, Bug."
He sheepishly put his head down as I tickled his side, "You should tell her when you're ready. I'm sure they would make her happy." One eye peeked out to me, "How about this? One day in the future when Mommy is sad, you can tell her about your dreams with Nana to help make her happy."
"Whenever you're ready though, okay? You shouldn't feel any pressure to tell me. It can also be something that's always just between you and her. You can choose."
"I tell you some day, Mommy."
"Sounds good to me." She kissed his cheek, before reaching around her back with her left hand to try and hold mine. I was still focused on Jacob looking up at me and trading silly faces, "Emmy?"
"Yes, sweetheart?" I snapped my face toward her before seeing her pout to follow her hand panickily reaching for me. "Oh, I'm so sorry."
"All better now." Alison smiled, picking up our hands to kiss them as we walked to the car.
She let go of my hand to help Jacob get into his booster seat in the back of our rental car as I waited by the passenger side door. I wondered how her face held so many things in a contained frame. How I was able to see the pain behind her pupils while simultaneously seeing the happiness in the upturned edge of her eye. How I could visualize the smile that seconds from tracing her lips while noting the frown lines now etched into her skin from prolonged stress. How her hair was sculpted around her face as a way to put on a small show to the rest of the world while I could see the small fly-aways building as her façade faded in the progressing day.
"What?" She smirked my way as she closed Jacob's door. I leaned forward to kiss her while opening the passenger's side door.
"Am I not allowed to open a car door for my lady?"
"Your lady?" She blushed, stepping backward to be able to get into the car.
I stared at her carefully as she situated herself, waiting to lean in until fully seated, "By the way, the magic word is 'yours'." I whispered, kissing her cheek.
Alison shimmied her shoulders, teasingly, "Noted. I love you."
"Love you too. Let's go."
The remainder of our day was spent surrounded by friends and family as we waded in and out of funny memories and depressing afterthoughts. It made my heart sing to see and hear about the soul of a woman I didn't have the opportunity to meet. As though through their stories, I could begin the see the pieces of Nana that remained in each member of the family. The parts that all of us inevitably leave behind when we go.
Despite loving every part of the day, the highlight of my night was being asked to tuck Jacob in after he fell asleep on Alison's shoulder in his pajamas. Compared to the evening before where he was unmoving in his desire to stay up as late as possible, tonight he was content to simply be tucked in before being willing to close his eyes.
"Aday wasn't scawy, Emlee." He whispered, smiling as he adjusted his head on his pillow.
"I told you it wouldn't be if you stayed positive about it. Do you think you can carry that attitude into next week?"
"I can twy."
"Sometimes trying is all you can do, Jacob." I leaned down to kiss his cheek. "I love you. Sleep tight."
"Love you too. Could you tewl Mommy and Daddy that I love dem too?"
"Of course, I can. I'll see you in the morning before our flights."
"You come home wif us?
"No, I have to go to my home, Jacob."
He pouted, barely opening his eyes for emphasis, "Dat's sad news, E."
"Can I tell you the good news though?"
"What's dat?"
"I get to see all of you on Wednesday at my house before your appointment."
"Your house? I never been dere!"
"I know! I can't wait for you to see it." I pulled the comforter up around his neck, making sure he was snug, "Now, you may have to bring some toys on your own because I do not have any for you. Think you can do that?"
"I bwing caws for us to play wif."
"Can't wait. See you in the morning."
He rolled to his side, cuddling in for then night, "In duh mowning, Emlee."
I watched his facial features slowly relax from the glow of the doorway. And in that moment, I dreamed a thousand possibilities for his future. I imagined him graduating high school before picking a career that best suited him. I pictured the look on his face at his wedding day as his significant other appeared before him. I dreamed every dream I could fathom in the moments before I felt Alison's arms around my waist.
Jumping from being lost in thought, she rested her chin on my shoulder while reassuring me, "It's just me, love. Whatcha doing, Em?"
"Is it weird that even though he's not my son, sometimes I think that he still is? Like he's not mine but – "
"Yes, he is." She interrupted, placing a small kiss against my neck, "Don't say stuff like that when you love him with just as much of your heart as I do."
I glanced to the side to catch her eye, "Ali, he's going to do so much in this world. I can feel it; he's destined for such a lovely life."
"And it's going to be all the better because you'll be there." She squeezed more tightly around my waist before continuing, "I was thinking… we should go to dinner together soon. This month has been hectic, and we haven't been able to go on a cute night out just us lately."
I raised my voice, sarcastically, "Oh my God, Alison? Are you asking me out on a date?"
"Maybe…" She repeatedly kissed my shoulder, "If I was, what would you say?"
"You know I'd love to. Think we can convince Carter to take care of Jacob on Thursday night for us to go out?"
"I'll ask." She let go of my waist to lean with her back against the other side of the bedroom door. "I can't believe that for one night only I get to be all yours."
I shoved her shoulder, "Oh, shut up. You're always mine, Alison."
Her face dropped slightly as she took a step toward me, "No… you're not listening, Emily."
"I think I heard you quite well, and somehow you think that you have to take me on a date in order to butter me up."
Her arms reconnected around my neck, "Listen carefully for me. For one night only, I get to be all yours." She repeated the sentence, kissing just below my ear.
"I heard you, Ali –" I caught a lump in my throat realizing her use of the magic word in the middle of her grandparents' home. "Alison!"
She shrugged, "You're just really fucking cute standing here being all parent-like. That's not my fault…"
"Guess I need to get you home then?" I laughed, pulling her by the waist toward me as she giggled, simultaneously shushing us due to Jacob sleeping only feet away.
"You excited for our sleepover tonight, J?" I announced, swinging my front door open.
"Your house is pwetty, Emlee!" He ran in before stopping and turning around confused, "Or is it handsome?"
I laughed aloud, causing Carter and Alison to warily look at each other back and forth. "So sorry. It's from a conversation we had on Saturday."
"Thanks for hosting us tonight and tomorrow, Emily. It'll make tomorrow go by a lot easier." Carter offered up before coming into the living room hesitantly.
"Want me to show you where you and J will be?" I extended my arm out toward the stairs.
"Sure, that'd be great." He shrugged, following me up the staircase. "So, am I correct in saying you bought this outright?"
"Oh, no. I probably confused Alison. I used the transportation fee given to me by Johns Hopkins for the down payment. But no, I have far too much Med School debt to pay for a house outright."
He laughed, "That's what I thought. I tried to tell Alison that in the car, but she was insistent."
"I'll attempt to reexplain tonight… So this is your room. It's not much."
"This is great. Really. This time is always stressful for us and having your home as a base of sorts tonight is helpful. I'm sure Alison will tell you, but I really appreciate this."
"Yeah, of course. Uhm, the bathroom is down the hall to the left across from our room if you uh – need a shower or something, and if you need extra towels or anything, the linen closet it at the end of the hallway just past the bathroom."
"Great! I think I'm going to take you up on that shower." He shook out his shoulders. "These appointments always haunt me a bit."
"I'm sure. Do you – uh, do you need a hug?" I took a step timidly toward him, "For the stress or whatever?"
He reached forward to meet me halfway, pulling me in despite leaving space between us. Carter's exhale behind me made me sad for him. As if this was the first time he had been outwardly able to take a breath since leaving Pennsylvania this morning.
"Call me terrified." Alison muttered from the doorway, causing us both to jump. "Are you two like bonding?"
"Can we not bond, Al? Isn't this what you wanted from us?"
She held both hands up innocently, "It is what I wanted. But now? Seeing it in the flesh? Gotta say, kinda spooky." We knowingly smirked at one another understanding the joke. But as she turned to face her ex, he didn't seem as pleased, "Car? Carter, I'm fucking with you."
He sighed, turning to open his bag, "Whatever. I was going to grab a shower."
"Emmy?" Alison motioned, hoping I would take the hint to leave them both alone, "Jake's working on homework downstairs. Could you go – "
"Definitely." I walked for the door, stopping to kiss her cheek, "Let me know what you need, my love."
I hovered in the kitchen, watching Jacob quietly work at the dining room table. His focus was endearing as he mouthed words quietly attempting to read. It was a harsh departure from the hushed voices I could hear behind me as Carter repeated the words, 'Al, it's fine. I'm fine' more times than I could count.
"Hi Emlee." Jacob signaled from the table, "Why you stand dere?"
"You were concentrating; I didn't want to interrupt."
"Mommy and Daddy intewupt all duh time."
I laughed, walking to the table, "That's probably very true, J. Are you working on something hard, or you got it?"
"Iss just weading and answewing kestions. I juss need to wead one more time."
"One thing, Jacob. It's ruh, ruh, read." I placed my hand on his shoulder, "How many times have you read the story so far though?"
"Fie."
"Five times? You always read it five times?"
"I don't get duh kestions if I don't read a lot." I tucked his comment away as I heard Alison's heels on the stairs, "Ooh, I think Mommy's coming back down. Want to help us decide what's for dinner?"
He glanced up my way as Alison turned the corner, "Mommy said we're ordewing pizza?"
"We're ordering pizza?" I asked suspiciously in Alison's direction.
Her eyes sparkled while walking toward me, "I thought it would be a good treat." She smiled as my arms magnetically reached for hers, wrapping them intricately around my torso as she peppered the side of my face. She hummed happily, "God, how is being in your arms again the best part of my week?"
"I fought you said paint wif me dis week was duh best." Jacob turned while moping.
She immediately let go to bend down toward him, "Sweetheart, I mean for our relationship: mine and Emily's. It's the best part of our weeks. Me and you are totally different, Bug. Just like how you and Emily's friendship is different than ours, right?" He nodded, looking back at his homework. "You are the best part of my life, Jacob. You're my whole being, okay?"
"Iss okay, Mommy. I telled you I could share. Emlee can be duh best pawt of dis week."
"That's not what I said, babe, but okay." She kissed his temple before spinning back to me grimacing, knowing that she had a major slip of the tongue in front of her son. "Daddy should be out of the shower soon, and we can decide what pizzas we want, alright?"
"Did you ask Emlee about amorrow?" My eyes bounced back and forth between Jacob and Alison as she processed her son's question.
"Yes, right. I haven't asked yet." Alison leaned against the countertop, connecting our pointer fingers as we spoke, "Jacob was talking about being nervous about tomorrow because of his eye appointment last week. He mentioned that you sat down with him and talked about everything that would happen during his check-up last week. He – "
"J, you want me to talk through tomorrow with you? Let you ask all your questions like we did in the waiting room."
"It hepped me be less scawed."
"I'm happy it did. I'd love to sit with you again. How about we start a fire after dinner tonight and me and you and your parents, if they want, can all cuddle up to discuss any fears you have for tomorrow?"
"A fire?"
"Yeah, J. I have a fire pit on the patio with chairs just for us to hang out at and talk as much as you want."
"That's very sweet of you, Emmy. Right, Bug?" But we had already lost him to staring out the window to the patio. Alison linked her finger with the underside of my shirt to regain my attention, "He also wanted to see if before his appointment tomorrow, if he could see inside of the lab."
"He wants to see where I work?"
"Well, I mean, he specifically said that he 'wants to see other people's cancer', but I think that's how he understands your job at this point." She tucked hair behind my ear, "How does that sound? Is it even possible to bring a 7 year old into your lab?"
"I think I can make that happen, babe."
"Jacob, can you step up on this stool for me? We have to wash your hands before we enter the lab. Copy what I do, okay?"
His eyes were wide next to me as Carter and Alison looked through the window in the waiting area of the lab. With his hands that could easily fit between both of my palms, he carefully looked as I scratched my palms with my nails, squeezing my fingers between each other to carefully clean each part of my hand.
"And now your wrists. We wash all the way up to your mid-arm."
"Gewms live dere too?"
"Germs are everywhere, buddy." He gasped, staring back at his parents. "But can I tell you the coolest fact? 99.9 percent of germs are good germs, so we're hoping that our soap is killing those bad ones." I shook out my hands before reaching to wipe them off, passing towels his way as well. "Perfect. Now, we put on gloves. I went and found a pair of our smallest gloves just for you. And last, we put on our glasses. You all good, J?" I stuck out my hand for a high five.
Responding in kind, we walked into the lab toward my usual station. As we were walking, I felt a pull on my coat, "E, why are dere so many peoples?"
"These are all of the people who work on our project. We all do different tasks every day for our patients. We're doing a lot of patient interviews this weekend because we were closed for Thanksgiving, so everyone's very busy. They've promised that if we get time to walk around though that they will explain any parts of their projects to us that you want to learn about."
"Why does it mell so gwoss in here?" He attempted to whisper despite it echoing through the room. I watched as Carter and Alison broke out into laughter on the other side of the windows as his voice echoed through the voice openings in the glass.
"We're working with live tissues today, so that smell is formaldehyde." I squatted in front of him to continue, "You know how sometimes food goes bad in your fridge at home, and it makes the whole thing smell? This is like that food, but instead we use a chemical called formaldehyde that makes tissue not go bad."
"And what is tissue?"
"Skin, J! Your skin has all of these different layers before bone which include muscle and fatty tissues. We are using that to see cancer cells in people who have passed away and are comparing it to tiny samples from people who are still alive who also had cancer."
"Your job is cool, E."
"It is pretty cool! It takes a lot of work, but hopefully, we'll be able to save lives some day with what we find out here."
"You can save my life someday then?"
"If you got cancer years and years in the future, maybe? But I'm not going to wish that upon either of us. You're going to see me get old and gray, J."
Claire came up from behind us with our samples for the morning, "Dr. Fields? I have the samples you requested. Do we have a new doctor joining us this morning?" She stopped, looking down at Jacob with a smile.
"We do, Claire. This is Dr. Jacob Schoen; he's here shadowing me this morning."
"It's nice to meet you Dr. Schoen. I'm Claire Alberti, Medical Resident."
"Hi. I am Jacob. I'm 7."
Claire and I laughed politely as she set down the samples. "And I thought Dr. Fields was impressive. What an accomplishment!"
"Thank you." He nodded, confidently. "Can I wook at duh samples?"
"Yeah, J. Let's go! Thank you, Claire; I appreciate you." I inhaled, glancing at Alison to give her a wink before turning back to Jacob, "Okay, let's start with real tissue. This container holds the tissue, and each one is labeled with its own set of numbers and letters at the beginning to protect the patient's identities."
I carefully removed the tissue with tweezers, while lying it down on the disinfected plate between us.
"Iss not bery big?"
"No, it's not. If we know that it's cancerous tissue, we only need a small part. Are you ready to see the coolest thing?" I rotated my shoulders to see his mouth open just waiting for the next part. "We take this dye and use just a teensy drop to cover the tissue. But what's cool about this dye is that it glows in the dark."
"Reawy?"
"Really? You see this little light that our medical resident, Claire brought over? Pick that up for me." He lifted the 3-inch long light up in his palm, staring intently. "There's a small button on the end that you can click that will make the blue light come out." He gasped as the florescent light started. "Now, hold it over the sample, J."
"Wow…"
Through the eyes of a child, I fell in love with my job all over again. He watched as though discovering new life, as if his life was only just beginning in the wake of this discovery. His wonder gave me hope that his world was actually just beginning. That he had more to learn than I could ever give him credit for. In that moment, his epiphany became my own.
"Yeah, you see how only this one section on the left lights up? That would be part of the tumor that's in this sample."
"Dat's duh bad part?" I nodded, "What do we do now?"
"I need you to keep the light up, while I cut the cancerous tissue out with this scalpel. It's sharp, so be careful for me." With steady hands, I focused on slicing away the healthy tissue to leave way for what some may consider decay. "You know Jacob, most people consider this cancerous part of the tissue the part that you don't want, because it's cancerous, right? But in this small little section is where all of the information is. In this section is where my whole job begins and ends."
"Duh part no one else wants is duh part you do want."
"Exactly that. Because even though it causes so much pain in the life of the person with cancer, their pain can potentially solve so much for someone in the future. Maybe even someone who doesn't even know they're sick yet. It's my job to solve that pain."
"You make cancer not sound scawy."
"No, it's incredibly scary. But it's my job as a doctor to hopefully take that fear away from someone in the future. See, the DNA in this cell could help us find cancer in someone else before it gets too far along."
"Where is iss DNA?"
"It's all right in here, J. Every single part makes up the trillions of cells in our body, and by taking even some of that tissue, we can compare it to other cancerous tissues to find similar sequencing."
"What's dat?"
"That's for another day for sure. but let's just say that every body has a different code inside of it, and people with cancer have even more specific codes. We're trying to see if people with cancer share parts of the same code for us to catch it early."
He shrugged, "I guess dat makes sense."
We continued speaking back and forth, looking at the tissue under a microscope for him to learn more about layers of skin, and I willingly answered every question possible to make him feel content. After another hour or so, Alison knocked on the window.
"Bug? It's nearly time for your appointment, so we all need to go grab lunch ahead of time. You'll get to see E later, but you need clean up before lunch."
"Can I come back and hep?"
"Next time, J. You can come back as often as you want."
Jacob ran out of the lab with his coat pooling around his body. We went backwards through our initial procedures to get him back to Carter and Alison quickly. He ran out to his dad in a chatter as I walked Alison's way.
"You've made today so spectacular, Emmy."
"It was my pleasure; I think he really liked it."
"Liked it? Babe, he loved it. In that oversized jacket drowning him? And him pushing up those plastic glasses over and over again to get the best look? You had him mesmerized." She laced her fingers around my neck. "He's never been this happy going into a check-up before. That's because of you."
"Ali, honestly, there's no need to make this a big thing."
"It is a big thing! You've made his past 18 hours filled with nothing but happiness. You haven't seen these appointments before. The tears and the screaming and the obsession with the results. I'll say it again: you've made today spectacular. But I'm not sure why I'm so surprised."
"And why's that?"
And placing her nose directly next to mine to nudge it gently, she replied, "You make every day spectacular."
Alison texted me a little after 3 to let me know that Jacob's tests had finished and were being analyzed. As I had warned the lab, I quickly called Claire over to my station before completing clean-up procedures and racing over to the Child Oncology department. Though Jacob seemed more than content sorting cars in the playground area, alternatively, Alison looked sick.
"You okay there, beautiful?" I asked approaching her with her head turned away from the entryway and toward her son.
Her hands fell to the sides of her knees, "I don't know. Carter left to get me a Sprite or something. I feel sick."
I sat next to her, placing my hand on her back, "That's okay. How can I help?"
And without asking, Alison stood, took two steps to her left, and sat in my lap. I reflexively spread my legs to distribute her weight while allowing her back to arch down my arm as her head nestled into my neck.
"In medical school, we were taught that even though all news for patients is new news, it's actually not news at all. That all results are what already was. It was never-changing. All that can change is the future. So today, we're not really learning anything new; we're simply learning what is."
She breathed out as I internally knew that my story hadn't made her feel any better, despite attempting to change her perspective. "And it wasn't his eyes?"
"No, sweetheart. His left eye has the nystagmus, and he has the slight vision loss, of course. But his optic nerve looked good, a little warped, but he did months of radiation at 4 years old. The way the ophthalmologist discussed it, it looked better than he would've expected. And there was no indication of any tumors in the eye scans. It was the best news we could've anticipated, okay?"
"I was foolish to think that dating a doctor would be a bad thing." She kissed my collarbone, "Hearing you talk about everything in specific but laymen terms makes me feel so at peace, like maybe things aren't as fucked as I thought."
"They're not, Ali. I would tell you. I will always tell you as clearly and plainly as possible."
"I know… that's why I was foolish." She paused momentarily to thank Carter for the Sprite he brought to her.
"Sorry, Emily. I didn't know you'd be down her so quickly; I should've grabbed you something."
"Don't worry about it, I'll share with Ali." I turned my head to whisper, "If you sit up a bit, I'll open that for you."
"Alright. Car, you thought the tests went better today, right?"
He nodded, "I think so. He did the blood a lot easier, but he still found the MRI to be scary. It's always touch and go."
The three of us made small talk before Jacob's lead doctor came out to call us, "Family of Jacob Schoen. Nurse Diane will be out here monitoring Jacob, please feel free to follow me." Opening the office for the three of us, she paused by the door waiting for me to walk through last, "It's a pleasure to be speaking with you today, Dr. Fields. I've heard a lot about your research from Emmanuel. You're catalogue and previous research is incredibly impressive, especially – "
"Feel free to call me, Emily." I paused to look at her name plate, "And Dr. Ramirez, how about you reach out to my assistant, Dalton? I would love to set up a lunch or a meeting to discuss whatever you'd like regarding my previous or current research. But I'm here today for Jacob. I hope you understand."
"Of course, Emily. I'm Jennifer, by the way." She extended her hand as I hesitantly shook it before sitting to Alison's left and lacing her fingers between mine.
Dr. Jennifer Ramirez adjusted her jacket while walking around her desk, sitting down carefully before pulling up Jacob's file, "It's great to see you all to round out the year. I'm happy that we've expanded the family here, and I'm excited to see what kind of plan we can create for Jacob that best fits what we're currently seeing." Alison's hand tightened around mine at the phrasing. It was poor at best, negligent at worst. "For starters, Jacob's blood work looks excellent. His levels have remained stable and do not show any significant signs of cancerous tissues. Now, as you both know, in June we discovered that Jacob had two balls of tissue – I guess would be the best word for them – that showed up on his MRI: one of near the base of his neck and one to the right of his spine about half way down. When tested in June, both were benign, but we discouraged surgery due to their locations while Jacob is still growing and maturing."
"Benign tumors?" I asked in a hushed voice, caught off-guard by both her and Carter's neglect in letting me know.
"It's tissue. They're not significant, Em."
"Who told you that, Alison? That is not true." I shot my eyes toward Dr. Ramirez, who was still speaking.
"As of today, there has been no increased growth in either of these masses."
I sighed, interrupting, "Can you please do them the service of calling them what they are? They're tumors, Dr. Ramirez. Benign or not, they are not simply 'masses' or 'balls of tissue'. That type of language minimizes the risk of a – what did you say – tumor located on his brain stem and another on the medial thoracic?"
"Up here Emily, we try to use approachable language for parents. Meet them at their level, you know?"
"But they're not idiots. And minimizing the fact that Jacob's body at 7 years old is continuing to produce tumors, benign or not, is more severe than you are indicating."
"His blood tests though are showing – "
" – I assume you did a biopsy in June to ensure that they were benign?"
"Yes, and – "
" – And I assume you did another today to follow up those blood tests?"
She looked up at the screen, tracking with her finger, "We did not. Because we have the previous tests as well as the blood work, we – "
" – We what? Didn't want to fully test out the tumors of the biggest donor to your hospital wing's grandson? Didn't want to confirm a previous diagnosis using the leading technology? Didn't want to reassure the cancer pathologist you knew was going to be in your meeting today? If there is a concern with payment or something, please send the bill to me, because I see no world in which without multiple confirmed biopsies that you would let a 7 year old walk out of your hospital with benign tumors in locations that could potentially lead to stroke or growth abnormalities?"
"That could what?" Alison asked, desperately next to me.
"One second, sweetheart." I rubbed her forearm softly with my thumb before turning back.
"Well, you see, our technician – "
"So, a biopsy wasn't completed because you lacked a proficient technician to accomplish the task?"
"Yes, Em – "
I stood up, walking to the doorway before turning around, "No, at this point, it's back to Dr. Fields, Dr. Ramirez."
Alison followed suit behind me, "Babe, if Dr. Ramirez believes Jacob is fine. Then, we should listen."
"I just need to step out really quick. It's no – " But as my voice started to catch, I walked into the hallway, pacing back and forth with Alison right behind me.
"Emily, what's going on?"
"You didn't tell me…" I whispered, tears coming to my eyes faster than I could say
"I mean, Emmy, they're not cancerous? What's the big deal?"
I connected my right hand with hers, "Alison, if they turned cancerous, the locations of those tumors are a very big deal."
"But she just said they're not. We were told in June that we could wait until after puberty to get them removed."
"Are they big? Can you feel them like on his body?"
She shook her head, giving me some relief, "The one on his spine was really small, and the neck one you can feel maybe a little bit? That's why he's growing out his hair; you could kind of see it. Like not really in June when we were here, but by like, August maybe?"
It felt like part of my world was crashing around me. I suddenly got why Alison hated these fucking meetings because new news was terrible news when it regarded someone you considered to be your own. If only I had been in the know a little bit longer, if only I had met Alison a little bit sooner, if only I had told her a little bit more about how cancer cells develop, especially in children.
But if I had known, I could've monitored. If I had known, I would have asked for the eye doctor to do a more specific scan that could've included his brain stem. If I had known, I would have cleared every procedure taking place today before Jacob even stepped foot into the building. Because I thought I had no reason to worry. I thought that the eye appointment cleared him, when in actuality, it now gave me very little confidence at all. And as the panic on my face started to expand going through every possible scenario swarming, all I could hear in the background was Carter.
"If I know one thing, it's that Emily knows her shit. And if she's stating that this meeting shouldn't even be happening right now without a biopsy, then we're request a biopsy… I frankly don't give a damn if they're not currently on call at 4 pm on a Thursday afternoon, when they're back on call tomorrow, we expect to have an appointment."
Alison looked over her shoulder toward Carter's insistence, "Why are you both freaking out? I don't get it."
I wished that I could break down the science right then and there. That with the utmost confidence in the world, I could start speaking and in a matter of minutes explain all she needed to know. But Alison wasn't Carter or me, she hadn't read the latest studies or the current leading facts of benign tumors in children. In fact, from what Alison had told me, she never read the studies or searched for more information because she didn't want to send herself into the exact tailspin occurring in front of her now. And so it was just me and Carter as I had all of the pieces in my head, and Carter was just starting to put them together.
"Sweetheart, I don't want you to panic at all, but without those biopsies, there's no way to know if Jacob is healthy or not." I placed my hands on Alison's shoulders, hoping to ground her as I spoke.
"Even with the blood tests?"
"All that gives us are key markers, babe. Jacob didn't have blood cancer, so it won't explicitly be found in the blood."
"But she said that the tissue hasn't gotten any bigger?"
"Alison, my love, I need you to hear me when I say this. The doctor is saying tissue in attempts to minimize. It's a tumor, okay? Jacob has two tumors. As far as they know, they are non-cancerous, but they are on two extremely critical locations of his body."
"Okay…" She mumbled, looking desperately around the hallway, "But they still haven't gotten any bigger, right?"
"Ali, you just said that you could see more of the one on his neck two months after his last appointment?" She nodded, "It could be from him growing, sure, but it could be microscopic growth. And without a FUCKING BIOPSY," I shouted toward the open door, "It's nearly impossible to tell."
"So, we're not going back to Philadelphia tonight?"
From the look on her face, I could tell the news was barely settling in. That the wall she had built up over time from these visits was in the process of deciding whether to build itself up taller in protection or to crumble in defeat.
Leaning against the wall and sinking to the floor, I put my head into my hands, "I'm sorry, Alison. But until we have every answer we need, there's no way I'm letting you leave."
A/N: Well, you all may kill me first, but I have lightly foreshadowed the events of this last scene in previous chapters and tried to do some more heavier foreshadowing in this chapter itself. But what is a story without a little crisis. One step forward and two steps back, of course. Let me know how you enjoyed this chapter. There were a lot of cute little scenes strew throughout. Hopefully that makes up for the end right here.
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