Runt of the Litter
Chapter 7
"You were right."
She plopped down on the couch next to him, water dripping from the strands of her hair. She had managed a somewhat decent bun, but the weight of the wet hair was enough for it to come undone with each motion she did. After an awkward morning and another intense evening, she finally felt… less out of control. Kouga had suggested a long shower, claiming it would help her feel more like herself again. He wasn't wrong. Although she felt a strange pull, along with feeling lost and like her own body was no longer hers, her thoughts were clearer. At the peak of her heat, her body screamed at her to go to him, no matter the consequences. She was grateful it was no longer the case. She did wish for a level of proximity, but not like she had during the past couple of days.
"Told ya."
It hadn't been for her. It had been a purely selfish request - and he had made sure it had been more a command than a suggestion. Yes. He was abusing his status. He had no choice; he needed her to wash off the remnants of her heat from her skin. It had worked. Maybe she rubbed her skin raw, he had no clue, but the irresistible scent of her heat had vanished from her skin. Now if only he could get out of his head the fact that she was an Omega. Before that discovery, he had been in control around her but now he felt on edge. Her status didn't matter to him. She seemed like a nice girl but - outside of her taking her under his wing, he didn't plan on doing anything else. He had no intention of tying himself someone - forever - based on their status or their reproductive abilities. No, an omega would never threaten his alpha status. Yes, she would easily bear cubs. Yes, she was easier to influence. But those were hardly reason enough to mate someone.
As a matter of fact, they were reasons not to do it. At least for him.
He could hear Misa's voice in the back of his head, yapping at him, telling her that she deserved to know. But how was he supposed to spring that on her? It'd be easier if she thought she was a beta. It wasn't like she was roaming about by herself. He wouldn't let anyone get to her so she wouldn't know she had to be more careful. He'd watch out for her until it was time for her to learn the truth. Life had thrown her enough curveballs already, she didn't need this. Once the dust settled from this heat, and once he managed to bring her morale up a little, he would give her that information. It would give him enough time to figure out how the fuck to tell her. Maybe he could start by giving her some good news.
"Listen - hm. I know it's been hard lately. I thought if you wanna write to your family… I could have it delivered. Maybe, you could give 'em your new phone number but I wouldn't recommend phone calls. Text. I'm trying to keep an eye out for that bastard so I don't know if he's listening or not…"
Her eyes widened. "Really?" Her heart was racing as she was hopeless to stop the smile that formed on her lips. "They'll be safe?"
He nodded. "I'll make sure no one notices… the delivery." It wasn't much but it had been rough for her lately and he wanted to do something nice for her. Until the dust settled, she was a prisoner and he knew she needed an outlet. It wasn't the safest thing but he had a feeling it was what would bring her the most joy under these circumstances.
"S-should- I guess I shouldn't tell her," she ended up saying, replying to her unsaid question.
"About - the new you?" He never had to be in that situation. His family knew. Strangers? They didn't. It was a clear cut decision for him. For her? "Ultimately? It's up to you." Yes and no. It was everybody's secret but - she could talk about herself without mentioning the pack. It could put them in danger anyway but - he didn't have the heart to make that call for her.
"I think - I think it's a face to face conversation," she said, swallowing the lump in her throat. Or not even a conversation at all. Sesshomaru had killed her. Did she truly want her family to be tangled up in this? She didn't know. Carrying such a secret would be a burden but - at least it would be her burden, not theirs. She wouldn't be telling them for now. If things changed, maybe. Future Kagome could deal with it. "I'll wait. I just want my mom to know I'm okay. She already lost my dad. I don't want her to think she lost me too."
Dead dad. That was new information. "Sorry - about your dad."
She dismissed it with a wave of the hand. "It was a long time ago. He died when my mom was pregnant with my little brother."
"Got anyone else?"
She shook her head. "It's just me, mom, Souta, and gramps. You?"
"Nah, just me. I think I was enough of a pain in the ass that my parents didn't want another trouble maker."
From what she had seen so far, she had a hard time picturing him as a hell-raiser. But, she only knew the grown-up version of him. "Are your parents in a different pack or?" She couldn't recall having met them but it wasn't like she had been introduced personally to every single member of the pack. Though, since most of them had a problem with the whole dog situation, she could only assume they might have publicly voiced their own opinion if they had been around.
"They - actually, they both died when I was pretty young."
Crap. She should be the first to know not to ask about parents without thinking… "I'm so so sorry. Foot meet mouth," she said, trying to lighten the mood. "I - I shouldn't have asked."
"It's okay. It's been a long time for me too. You always miss 'em but, at some point life goes on, right?"
She nodded. "Yeah. I guess it does. I never - you think about it less and less. Then sometimes you forget and you feel bad but…"
"Life happens and you accept it."
"Yeah, something like that." Most people she knew had both their parents - they never had to face that kind of loss. It was a good thing but it was nice to find someone who understood. Granted, she had a feeling the circumstances of his parents' death was a little more gruesome than her dad's. Her recent tidbit did bring about more questions but she didn't dare to ask.
"Misa."
"What?"
"Misa raised me."
Ah. That explained the closeness. "Is that why she gets to call you a knucklehead?" she asked, stifling a chuckle.
He laughed. "That, and even if I told her to stop, she'd shove her foot so high up my ass, it'd come out of my mouth."
Kagome wasn't well versed in terms of alphas or packs, but it made sense why he trusted Misa so much, why he let her around Kagome without fear and she could definitively see where Kouga picked up his values and attitude. Apart from Kouga, Misa was the only other anchor she had in this new world. Not that she didn't appreciate the others like Ginta and Hakkaku but it was different. Her memory was slightly foggy, but she could tell how close Ginta had been from slipping the other night, and that meant she had to remember to put up a barrier. She didn't have to do that with Misa - no chance she'd fall prey to her heat.
Actually, it was probably an attitude she should have all around but she never managed to apply it when it came to Kouga. She couldn't blame herself; he had been nothing but a gentleman. She had shared a bed with him while she was in heat and he didn't lay a hand on her. At the thought, her stomach sank. If she didn't know better, she'd say she was disappointed. But why would she be? It was better this way. It would complicate a lot of things and her life had just been turned upside down; it wasn't the time to be doing that. It was best if she forgot about that altogether. She embarrassed herself enough for a lifetime and she wasn't looking forward to the repeat…
"I'm surprised she didn't tell me."
"Yeah, well, she likes to say the pack raised me. I think she's keeping her hands clean in case I do something stupid. Then I can't pin it on her," he added with a chortle.
"That does sound like her." She cleared her throat, meeting his gaze. "I - listen - I wanted to say…"
"You don't have to thank me."
"I went in your bed." Her cheeks burned with a radiating heat, but she kept on holding his glance.
"It's my fault, I haven't explained enough." He ran his fingers through his hair, loosening his ponytail. One thing was certain; he hadn't gotten a wink of sleep last night. He had laid there, soaked in his own sweat, while she had peacefully slept. Sometimes she stirred and his whole body had gone into alert. He had thanked the cover barrier more than once whenever she would move her limbs. It had been a long time since something had tested his self-control like that. Part of him had wanted to flee but he hadn't trusted himself with actually moving. He had feared he would have done the wrong action. "It's - no one has to explain this to us? Kinda comes with it? I guess I don't know where to start."
"Any other big surprises like the heat?"
Yes. "Not really. I don't think so." Liar. Liar. He wasn't comfortable with lies - to him, the basis of a strong pack was trust and honesty. The same way he had flat out told the pack she was here to stay. He could have waited, omitted it for a while, but that wasn't who he was. He upheld their opinions the same way. If they didn't like it, they could leave. He was who he was and he wasn't a liar. Yes, they lied to regular humans but that wasn't the same and he didn't have any obligations towards them the way he did with her.
Fuck.
"Actually."
Goddamn it.
"Do you remember when we talked about the types of you know, wolves?"
"The betas and the alphas?"
"Yeah - those. Do you remember the other one?"
She tilted her head, scrambling her brain for the missing answer, but nothing came to mind. She shook her head. "No, sorry."
"It was Omega."
"Right." She frowned. "Wait. Do you think that's what I am?"
"…Yeah."
"Oh." She hadn't heard the term since she joined the pack. She knew Ayame was an alpha female, Misa was a beta, so were Ginta and Hakkaku… no one had introduced themselves as an Omega. Wait. "You said those were rare right?"
"Yeah."
Kagome watched as he rubbed the back of his neck, his fingertips scraping against his scalp. She could hear his heart, the pace picking up. He was nervous. Why was he nervous? "Is- is that a bad thing?" she asked, hopeless to stop the tremble of her bottom lip.
Fuck. He was not handling this conversation well. This was why he had wanted to wait. He could have prepared himself better, had it all thought out. Now it was a mess and he had made her worry. His first instinct was to reach out for her hand, covering it with his own. "Kagome - it's complicated."
She stilled, focusing on the warmth of his skin against hers. "Complicated how?"
"I don't think it's a bad thing." He needed her to know that. "And I don't tolerate people who - have a more archaic form of thinking."
"Meaning?"
"Omegas-" He sighed, his whole chest caving in. "Omegas are more vulnerable to the alphas' commands. That has led them to be abused a little in the past." A little was putting it lightly. "They're…" He swallowed hard. "They're more fertile so they have been known to be busy bearing cubs."
"Baby machines. That's what you're saying."
He tried not to wince. "In a way." Alphas kept them, sometimes free, sometimes chained. Not that they would go anywhere. The more power an alpha exerted over one, the more compliant they were. They'd make them bear the cubs they needed and then raise them. Most of the time they mated them to ensure that no one else would use them. It wasn't a glorious union.
All she wanted to do was pull her hand away from his but she found that she couldn't. He had been the one to initiate the contact and she felt the urge to maintain the gesture. Was this what he was talking about?
"But I don't see it that way. I'm - I don't think like that." He squeezed her hand, hoping to bring her some sort of comfort. "I think Omegas are caring - look at you. You're a vet right? You're trying to help. You're kind. You never want to upset anyone even if it means harm coming your way." He might not know her well, but he had seen that much.
Her head was buzzing, her vision blurry, as she tried to piece his words together, as she tried to understand what that meant for her. "Do-does that mean I have to do everything you say?" Her eyes burned as tears filled them, the overflow of emotions too much for her to deal with it. She was angry, she was sad; she didn't know what to think, what to feel. What was she supposed to do with this information?
"No - I don't control you. You're - you -" Fuck. How was he supposed to explain this? He wasn't even sure himself how far he could push it. "More susceptible." That was one way to put it.
"Is that - that why I kept ending up in your bedroom?"
"Little bit."
At his answer, she covered her face with her hands, unable to look at him any longer. He was helping her, he rescued her, gave her shelter, and now she was? A horn dog desperate for him? A little puppy dead set on following him everywhere, wanting to please him? Was this why she liked his company? Was this why she wanted to be around him? It had nothing to do with her and everything to do with her status? How was she supposed to separate the two? Where was the line? "So - any interaction we have -" she couldn't ask this. She couldn't say, do I like talking to you because I'm an Omega? "Is it because of what I am?"
He shook his head. "You're still a person. I'm an Alpha, but I'm not just an Alpha." Sometimes, he let himself be selfish. Most of the time, his pack came first. Sometimes, he slipped. "It influences you - but it's not all you are. It amplifies you."
"So I'm naturally a mindless toy?" she asked, mumbling through her hands.
He buried a growl that threatened to rumble his chest. He reached out for her left hand, grabbing her wrist while this thumb hovered over her pulse. "You're not a toy, and you're not mindless," he said, his voice low. "That's not what this is. I told you what some people think because I need you to know. But that's not how I see it, and I"m not the only one. You're caring, you're loving. You were suffering during your heat and you didn't ask for help. You didn't wanna bother." He pulled her hand down, revealing half of her face. "You put yourself second. For the record, you could never bother me."
His words sent a warm tingle traveling through her and she found herself sucking on her bottom lip.
"I won't let anyone hurt you, I won't let anyone belittle you for this. You can lean on me. I'm your Alpha, I'm here for you. I know we just met, but you gotta trust me."
That was the crazy part, the one that scared her; she did trust him. Except now she didn't know if it was a real trust or one that was forced on her.
His other hand traveled to her face, holding her chin between his fingers. "I know you have no reason to believe me, but I swear. I'd never do anything to hurt you or take advantage of you. I'll - I'll be careful with my words and if I make you uncomfortable, tell me. Please." The last thing he wanted was to use his status against hers. He didn't want to lose her trust. He knew how confusing this was for her and he didn't want to make it worse. "Sorry - I was - I was gonna be more prepared when I told you but -" He dipped his head forward, making her think for the briefest of second that he was gonna press his forehead to hers. But he didn't. "I didn't wanna lie."
There it was.
The squeeze in her heart. The warmth spreading through her. All of this? It was because of the fact that she was an Omega? He was so blunt, so honest with her. Every time it made her heart skip a beat.
She rolled her lips together, searching for the right words to say, but she could feel her heart in her throat. "I- no thank you. For telling me."
He let his fingers drop, releasing her from his grip as he nodded.
"I- I, I think I need a moment."
He nodded again. "Yeah, sorry. If you need anything, I'll be here."
"Thank you."
The only problem? His hands were still on hers and she didn't have it in her to pull away. During the worse of the heat, she'd been craving him - his touch. The need was never fulfilled and she had to admit, it soothed the emptiness inside of her to feel his fingers against hers. God, she was pathetic.
Kouga followed her gaze, noticing she was staring at their joint hands.
"Sorry," he said as he retracted his hand. He was a wolf. They were touchy. She needed the comfort and his touch comforted her more than most. But maybe it was inappropriate. Still, as an Omega, she might need more contact. Fuck this was a nightmare and a half. He'd have to find a balance between the two.
She shook her head. "No worries." Of course no worries. She had liked it. She cleared her throat, giving him one last nod before she fought every urge roaring inside of her. She wanted to run, but she didn't. She walked, her steps painful as she put distance between them.
Why, why… why?
-R-
He was pacing.
He didn't like pacing.
Kagome had remained in her room for most of the day. He knew she ate because he had to run an errand and when he came back he saw dishes in the sink. At least she had food. He had also found a white envelope on the kitchen table with the word Mom scribbled across it. She had made the letter for her mother. He had already arranged for it to be delivered. He chose someone at the low ladder of the pack, that way it would be less suspicious. No one would show up at the shrine. No, instead, they were going to follow her during an errand, and give it to her then. It felt like the safest option.
He had also included his cell number in it. In case.
He couldn't even imagine the grief his mother was going through - a parent should never lose a child.
It shouldn't be much longer until they had some breathing space to figure this out. According to the papers Miroku had left for him, the surveillance on the Higurashi family had died down. There was nothing more than one unusual car cruising by every few days. Sesshomaru thought he got away with it. He knew that if something tied the murder to him, he would have heard of it by now. This was good. He needed that asshole to think he didn't need to worry about her. That was the best way to get to him.
Although recent revelations were making him reconsider his early plans. Obviously, Sesshomaru thought himself above all else. Kouga did not doubt that he was one of those who had a more archaic way of thinking. That didn't bode well for Kagome considering her Omega status. He might still want to kill her once he found out she was alive - or he might make other plans. He wanted to say it didn't matter; he held no claim over her. Kouga was her alpha. But dogs were dirty and he wouldn't put it past him. After all, his brother turned her. He might try to pull something and then force her into an unfair life.
He didn't want that for her.
This forced him to consider his every move carefully. It wasn't just about what if he killed her for real. It was now about what if he used her? She was under his protection. He wouldn't let him. He'd slice his throat if he had to - much like that asshole had done to Kagome before leaving her to die.
But, before he could focus on this jackass, he had to make sure Kagome was okay.
He had walked by her door a dozen times already. He hadn't knocked. He hadn't disturbed her.
But he worried.
Should he?
His need to ensure her safety won above all else, and he wrapped his fingers around the cold metal handle, twisting it to open the door. Inside, he found the room swallowed in darkness. It only took his eyes a few seconds to adjust, and then he could see clearly. He spotted her, lying in her bed, the sheet barely covering her, as she slept peacefully. He should have closed the door and been on his way but instead, he walked further in, closing the distance between them. His nose had detected a hint of saltiness and he needed to make sure she hadn't cried herself to sleep.
It was his fault. He went about it the wrong way.
He took silent steps into her private space, almost waiting for her to wake up due to his presence but she didn't. Of course, she didn't. She trusted him. More than she probably wanted to trust him. Considering everything happening to her, putting up a barrier between them was probably her last focus and the Omega in her had already put too much trust into the Alpha for her to stop it. He bent over, glancing at her face. There might be a lingering scent of tears, but it wasn't recent. It might have been from when she had initially learned the news. That did comfort him. He didn't like the thought of her crying but if she had gone to bed with a calmer mind, it was reassuring.
There were no magic words.
Nothing he could say to make it better.
He could help her process it - if she let him. If he asked, she might but he didn't want to do that.
He never had to watch himself before. He ordered, he commanded, he decided. It was a given that his pack listened but, there was always a little fire, a will of their own. He had no doubt she had the same thing, but he didn't know how much of it was pressured down, stiffened by her status. And how bad was her control due to her recent transformation? Did she know how to find her voice? He had never been around an Omega before. He didn't know how much damage he could do and that scared him. She had gone through enough shit and he didn't want to add to it.
Kouga reached out for her bangs, pushing them away from her eyes with a gentle brush of his fingers. She was his most challenging pack member to date. He'd always been confident in his leadership, in the actions he took but she made him rethink everything. He could be a little brash, making decisions based on instincts without thinking them through before. With her? He felt like he had to hold back, pause, before doing anything. It was new. He didn't like feeling as he was doubting himself, but it was something he had to do. He had to be a different kind of Alpha - which wasn't a bad thing.
Being the Alpha didn't mean he knew everything. He was young, he had some growing up left to do.
He was about to retract his hand when she moved her head. She leaned into his palm, her nose brushing up against the pulse point on his wrist. He stilled. Her nose was rubbing, scenting him, leaving her mark behind. There was the tiniest smile on her lips before she sighed in contentment.
But she never woke up.
Once he was sure she wouldn't move again, he took back his hand.
He'd have to be careful.
Very careful.
-R-
"Can I ask you a question?"
Kouga's movement stilled and he almost dropped the spatula he'd been holding. It had been pure silence between them since she had woken up. He knew she was processing a lot, and he hadn't wanted to pressure her. He figured she'd talk when she was ready. That was almost 2 hours ago. The sound of her voice now had startled him. He cleared his throat, resuming his cooking before glancing at her over his shoulder. "Sure."
She chewed on her bottom lip, staring at the counter, unsure how to proceed. Initially, she'd be so exhausted, sleep had claimed her. Following the heat and the roller coaster of emotions she'd gone through, it didn't surprise her. However, once three am strolled in, she'd found herself wide awake, staring at the ceiling. Even if she closed her eyes, it didn't help. She was awake. Eventually, Kouga woke up and he'd invited her to eat and she had come out of her room. Still, it hadn't stop the thoughts from buzzing through her mind. Too many questions, too many doubts.
Her new status left her puzzled. Already, she didn't feel like herself and this greatly aggravated the situation.
"If you tell me to do something, do I have to do it?"
He blinked. "What?"
"If you…" She cringed. What was the right word in this situation? "Order me to do something… will I do it?"
"Kagome…" He put the spatula on the counter, turning around to face her. This was what she'd been thinking about in silence? "I'm not - I -" Fuck. He didn't even know how to explain. "I don't control you."
"How does it work?" She didn't understand. He said she'd retain a certain free will but then what power or hold did he have over her?
"I-I never really thought about it. I usually say something and the pack listens."
"Do it."
"What?"
"Tell me to do something."
"Kagome…"
"Tell me to stay in my chair and I'll try to get up and walk away."
"Kagome, we're not doing this."
"Why?"
Because he didn't want to know how much she had to listen to him. He would never use it against her but he'd be uncomfortable. He preferred the unknown in this situation. If he knew and she knew - things would be different between them. Every single word he'd say would carry an extra meaning, more tension… he didn't want to have to think each word carefully before he spoke to her. He wanted to be able to carry on normal conversations.
"Because."
"Kouga - I need to know," she pleaded. "I'm so lost. I don't know up from down, left from right. I don't know who I am, what I can do."
"You can do anything."
"Maybe. Maybe not."
"Kagome, being an Omega - doesn't mean anything."
"It means something that you're an Alpha."
"That's different."
"Why?"
He pinched his lips white as he rubbed the back of his neck. He didn't have the answers. He never had to think about it, he never had to explain it to anyone. If she'd been born an Omega instead of becoming one, she wouldn't even have doubts or questions. She'd accept it. Now he had to help her get to that point and he didn't know how to do it. He didn't even know anything about Omega. How was he supposed to provide her with answers when his knowledge was limited? At this point, Misa was his best source of knowledge and even she didn't know everything.
"Kagome, please. Let's not do this." He was an Alpha; he didn't beg. But right now he was.
She opened her mouth, ready to explain why she needed to do this, but she found herself at loss for words. There was a tugging in her chest, his pleading resonating through her. She kept hearing the words in her head as she kept her mouth silent. There it was. If she pushed hard enough, she could do it, she could form the words. But it required an effort. It required her to push through his influence on her. She'd never pause to feel it, pause to consider it. Until now, they'd have conversations, he'd made suggestions and that was it. She never - she never thought about the impact of his words.
Kagome was silent.
It took him a beat until he understood.
"You're overthinking it, Kagome."
"Am I?"
It wasn't sarcasm, it wasn't bitterness. It was an honest question. Was it all in her head? Was she putting too much focus into it - or was his control greater than either of them knew?
"What if you asked me to do something?"
Something. She couldn't put it into words. As her heart beat faster, she wondered what was real and what wasn't. Her hands gripped at the edge of the counter, her mouth pasty as she barely held his gaze. The way she felt? The way she had wanted him? Was any of it real? The safety she felt from his proximity? Was any of this coming from her - or was it something else altogether? There was a ping of pain in her heart; it wasn't fair. He never pushed himself on her. He never tried anything - not even when she showed up begging in his room. He was always a perfect gentleman. He'd found her crying in the shower - naked - and he didn't look at her.
He'd never utter a single word that would make her want him.
But she sat there, looking into his deep blue eyes and her heart wanted to explode out of her chest. What was that?
A blush sprinkled across her cheeks and she knew she couldn't ask him that. Because he knew but he thought it was the heat making her act crazy. Except it was always there, nestled in her chest. A feeling she couldn't get rid of no matter how hard she tried.
"Kagome, I'd never take advantage of you."
Oh, she knew that. She had thrown herself at him more than once, and he'd never even touch her. That thought should have been punctuated with relief but - it wasn't. Bitterness was more like it. "I know that." It came out as more of a mumble than she intended forcing her to shamefully look away from him. What was wrong with her? She wasn't in heat anymore right?
He didn't know what to make of her tone. Was she saying she didn't believe him? Without thinking twice, he walked around, going around the counter, and he grabbed her hands with his. "Kagome, I'd never do anything that could hurt you."
Then how come every word out of his mouth hurt? How could she wanted him to stop saying he'd never lay a hand on her? Her jaw was clenched as she felt the tears fill her eyes. No, no, no. Her body trembled and then she felt it - his thumb, brushing up a wayward tear sliding down her cheek.
She didn't trust him? She was crying.
He was so close, touching her, comforting her; she couldn't sort her thoughts anymore. Her brain went into overdrive and before she could think, she threw herself into his chest. Immediately, his hold on her hands loosened, allowing her to bury her face into his shirt. The first thing she did was inhale deeply, filling herself with his scent. Despite her troubled state of mind, it was like a wave of calm was washing over her. There - it felt safe, it felt loved, it felt warm. She didn't want to pull away.
And she didn't have to either.
His strong arms wrapped around her, bringing her into a tighter embrace. She could feel her heartbreaking. She leaned her body into his, even more, feeling as there had to be a way for them to closer. But there wasn't. His hands felt warm against her, leaving a trail of heat everywhere they touched. He had lowered his head, resting it on top of hers and for the first time since the attack, she felt at peace. It lasted for a beat, but it was pure serenity.
Reality quickly washed over her like a cold breeze. No. No. She'd promised herself she wouldn't put them through another embarrassing situation. She had cried - for no reason - forcing him to comfort her. She swallowed the lump in her throat and used whatever shred of strength she had left to put her palms flat to his chest. She closed her eyes, a deep breath filling her lungs with air, and she pushed him away. His arms came undone without a fight.
"I- I guess I'm still - " What would be a logical explanation? "The heat," she mumbled.
She didn't look at him. She didn't give him a chance to reply. She walked away.
Kouga watched her, silent.
Fuck. He really had to talk to Misa. He had to figure this out.
She was a slippery slope.