Things were going very smoothly. I went for a single follow up blood test and my hormone levels had increased. No further incidents had occurred. I was doing good. My cooking lessons were a daily occurrence. When I was off school, I was learning how to cook supper meals. I spent my days helping at the Kent Farm. Emma's belly had begun showing very prominently. She was apparently expecting another girl and school was over for the year. I was spending some of my free time with April. Jacob and I had become fast friends. Not in the boyfriend sort of way, I was not interested in him in that way, and nor he me. Things derailed at the end of school barbeque and bonfire. I had not been in the presence of a fire of any size since the explosion. Here I was faced with massive bonfire.

My first clue that something was wrong was the panic attack that was coming on. I started to see black on the edges of my vision and I had started hyperventilating. I just couldn't get enough air. I must have stumbled because I felt someone grab my arm.

"Amber are you okay?"

The face was charred and half on fire. I screamed and shoved them away. Everywhere looked people were on fire. When I looked at my hands they were twisted like they used to be I could see them becoming blacked as fire moved along them. Someone else tried to grab me I couldn't even tell gender, they were just a blackened corpse with embers glowing along where their bones should be. I shoved them away violently to. They were all screaming now. I closed my eyes. I was so separated from reality at that point I had no idea who, or where I was in that moment. It all went black then I saw a glow besides, it was a blur.

"Kristen, how could you?"

Another voice joined that one.

"We loved you Kristen."

Then my mother's voice.

"We gave everything for you Kristen, how could you do this to us?"

My legs stopped working at this point and I was collapsed in a heap. I covered my ears. I could feel the heat rising inside me. It was burning my insides up. I kept screaming.

"Shut up! Shut up!"

But the voices didn't stop they just kept yelling at me, accusing me. Then I heard Eric's voice.

"I loved you, why didn't you love me enough to save me?"

I felt things trying to grab me. They were bony flaming hands they seared my flesh where they landed, I screamed in pain. I struggled to get away, flailing my firsts and elbows. My legs wouldn't respond to my demands to kick away the fleshless burning hands trying to grab them. I felt every grasping hand. The voices around me intensified talking over each other. Each yelling, speaking or whispering in their own voice. There were hundreds of them. Some of them were begging to be spared, some of them were just screaming, others were praying, others yet were asking why. So many voices and they kept multiplying. Each one a life I had snuffed out when I had killed my family.

It was blessing when I blacked out.

When I woke, I heard a rhythmic beep in the distance. I was still half asleep and hadn't opened my eyes. My arms and legs wouldn't move properly. I panicked thinking that it was all just a fever dream I opened my eyes wide. I struggled free myself I snapped all four bindings trying to hold me down. There were several people in the room. They all jumped back when the bindings made a loud cracking sound. I realized it was just a few nurses and a doctor and my new mother. I felt blood dripping down my hand, I glanced down and could see that in my struggle to free myself I had ripped out an IV needle. I held my other hand over the injury instinctively. The fact I wasn't doing anything more seemed to be enough to calm the assembled medical personal. I could see bruises on my arms where I had torn the bindings off. Emma looked scared, not of me, more for me. Once she was able, she rushed over and grabbed my hand. I could see a bruise on her cheek. And a few on her arms. She squeezed my hand in hers and I squeezed back.

"It's okay Amber, you're safe."

One of the nurses took Emma's hand and tried to pull it off of mine.

"Ma'am we need to take care of her wound. We'll come and get you when she can have visitors again."

Emma looked like she was going to unleash hell on the poor woman, then she looked at me.

"I won't be far away. You're safe and as soon as I can come back in I will."

I squeezed her hand and she squeezed mine back. I was alone with two nurses and a doctor. They bandaged my injured hand and started a new IV in my uninjured hand. One of the nurses was looking at the bindings they had used to try to hold me down. I had basically shredded them. The railings on the bed were slightly bent from my struggle. They didn't say much, the nurse who was putting in the IV told me what she was doing. And why. They were giving me an antibiotic, an antiviral as a precaution and something to keep my temperature down. It is one of the few conversations in my life I don't remember with full clarity. My brain was not working at this best. Whatever they gave me to take my temperature down was enough to knock me out again.

When I woke up next Emma was sitting in a chair she was sleeping. I could still see the bruises. Realizing that everything I had seen was just a fever dream I concluded those bruises were from me. Jacob was also here. He had a black eye and his arm as in a cast. April was stroking one of my arms and had her head on my shoulder. I could see a bruise on her hand. I closed my eyes, and I could feel tears start to seep out of the corners of my eyes. Everything I cared about I destroyed. Kristen's family, Eric, my new family, my best friends. April noticed I was stirring. She used a tissue to clean up my tears.

"You're awake."

"I'm sorry April."

"Shh, I'm just glad you're alright."

"What happened?"

"You don't remember?"

I shook my head. The whole thing was a jumble still I hadn't had time to sort it out, so the answer was as honest as it could be.

"A kid was being stupid and almost fell in the fire. You pulled him back. He burned his hand, and you were staring at it and then you started screaming. Jacob tried to pull you away from the fire and you shoved him away. He fell and you moved away from the fire and you were screaming and holding your hands over your ears. You started yelling shut up over and over again. Jacob and I tried again, I touched your shoulder and you started flailing. Some of the teachers tried to hold you down and you shoved them away. Jacob tried again with your mom and you threw him about five feet, and you elbowed your mom in the cheek. Eventually it took four of the sheriff's deputies to hold you down and they were struggling a lot. They used a taser on you. Your mom started screaming at them to stop. Your dad held her back I thought she was going to go full momma bear on them."

It kept getting worse and worse. I had a full on break down in front of the whole town basically. How many people had I hurt?

"The paramedics who got there said your temperature was 130 f or something ridiculous. They started putting ice packs on you and brought you to the hospital. The last part is just what I heard when your mom was taking to your grandmothers."

"I'm so sorry April."

"You had a super high fever, and you didn't know what was going on. I know you would never intentionally hurt anyone. I mean if you were looking to hurt anyone on purpose you'd have gone after Amanda, right?"

She smiled. I felt my lips creeping into a half smile.

"I didn't, did I?"

"No, she didn't get close enough to you to get hurt. She was too busy recording it with her phone. Bitch."

A normal girl would be freaked out about their reputation, but at that point I didn't care what people thought of me except my new family. And I was worried about Emma, she was pregnant. I hoped I hadn't hurt the baby too. I thought she'd be really mad at me and dreaded the moment her eyes would open, and she would look at me with disappointment and fear. As if my thoughts had prompted her to wake, her up her eyes opened, and she stretched. She noticed I was awake and rushed over to the bed and wrapped her hand in mine.

"You're awake. I am so glad you're alright. Are you feeling okay? Do you feel hot?"

"I feel fine…mom"

My pause was unintentional I just wasn't sure if I'd still be allowed to call her that. But she smiled at me. She touched the bruise on her cheek.

"Its alright, you didn't mean to do it. I could see it in your eyes you had no idea where you were."

"I'm sorry mom."

"Shh."

She stroked my hair and kissed my forehead. She wiped my tears up with her thumbs.

"Don't cry. Everyone is okay. Just a bit bruised up."

"Do they know what caused it?"

"They don't. Your temperature is normal now. They said you had to stay over night for observation but if your temperature stayed normal, they could send you home."

"I…I can't, what if it happens again and I hurt Sarah, or the baby?"

"Hon, you won't. It was just a fever. You'll be fine. Just next time you're feeling sick tell someone please."

I nodded. I had not been feeling sick at all.

"I…I think I remembered something and that's what made me panic."

Emma looked at April. She offered April ten dollars.

"April could you go get me a coffee, get yourself whatever you want okay?"

April wasn't a clueless girl and nodded, taking the money and went off to parts unknown. Jacob was still fast asleep. Emma squeezed my hand tightly.

"What do you remember hon?"

"Fire, people screaming. It's the same thing I keep having nightmares about."

"Maybe you're starting to remember the explosion."

"Do you know what happened?"

"I was actually working on the case against the company that owned the building but had to recuse myself because you may have been involved. I can't say much because its still being investigated, but it looks like there was some negligence which caused a fire and a gas explosion. It looks like you were the only survivor. They found you under a collapsed floor you were under a table that seemed to protect you from whatever happened. Your family must have tried to protect you."

I nodded.

"Look Amber, we couldn't identify anyone, even by DNA. It was an extremely hot fire. It was terrible and you survived that. It was very traumatic. That is going to leave a mark. We should consider getting you a counselor."

"But if I don't remember anything, how is that going to help?"

"Your mind is trying to remember, its trying to make sense of it all. If you don't deal with it, it will keep haunting you. Trust me I know."

I looked at her.

"I'll explain when you're older. I understand what you're going through. Even if you don't remember specifics, you know you survived, and your family didn't. You might even be blaming yourself. It is not your fault."

She squeezed my hand again. She didn't know how wrong she was, if I was never born my family and those people would still be alive. If that's not fault, I don't know what is. April returned holding a coffee and put it down on a table closest to mom. She put a bottle of cola down and I opened and took a long drink. Emma gave me a look and I shrugged. Emma looked at April who offered the changed back to her.

"Thank you, April. Isn't Mr. Faloni expecting you and Jacob home soon?"

"I have no idea, he's in New York."

Emma shook her head.

"He can't call himself a parent and do that."

"I suppose our nanny probably wants us home, but she refuses to try and tell us what to do, its like she's scare to try."

"You should wake up Jacob and get home. It's getting late. Amber can call you when she gets home tomorrow, and you can come over and visit."

April nodded and poked Jacob in his good arm. He woke up eventually. He waved at me as April dragged him out of the room. Emma kept her hand in mine and feel sleep there leaning on the railing of the hospital bed. Part of me wondered why I was even being allowed to go home, I assumed I'd be under arrest but then I realized between Edna having been the Sheriff's old boss and Emma being a federal prosecutor they probably swept it under the rug. And I had been right. I fell back asleep. It was easier than being awake.

I woke up when I felt a prick in my hand. I blinked sleep out of my eyes. A nurse was tapping off my IV again. She looked a bit confused. She looked at my chart and shrugged, she walked out. In my daze I could have sworn my bruises were gone. I did a double take and started inspecting my wrist. There was no sign of where I snapped the bindings the night before. I pulled bandage off where I had torn my skin painfully last night and there was just some dried blood on my skin and on the bandage but there was no sign of the injury. I quickly taped the bandages back down. I looked around to see if anyone noticed and no one seemed to have. I decided it was best to just make it go away. I scooted out of bed and brought my IV with me to the bathroom, I had to go anyway. After cleaning up the bandage and washing my hand I wrapped it in some toilet paper and threw it in the garbage. I could guess the IV was going to be pushed out again eventually. I was starting to realize things were not normal at all. And it was getting worse. I needed to get out of the hospital as soon as possible. The less I was poked and prodded the better.

By the time I came out of the bathroom I found a panicked Emma trying to figure out where I'd gone. I guess she hadn't noticed the bathroom door was closed. She put her hand on her chest when she saw me.

"You had me worried sick."

"Sorry mom I had to go to the washroom."

"Its okay I should have noticed."

I sat on the bed.

"Can we go home now?"

"As soon as the doctor says so."

"Can we hurry them up, please mom? I hate hospitals. It reminds me of Precious Angels and not being able to walk. Its not a good memory."

Not exactly the truth, but not a lie either. I hated being reminded of old me, and all the kids I watched pass through there on their way to be adopted by God. I shook my head. Every single one of them was probably more worthy of living then I was.

"Okay I'll see what I can do."

Emma wondered off. She knew how to push buttons to make bureaucracies work in a way I'm still jealous of. Within fifteen minutes I was dressed in fresh clothes and we were in her car on the way home. I leaned my head against the glass and watched the buildings give way to farm fields. She kept glancing at me. I could tell she was worried. She got a look in her eyes when she was concerned. She was right to be concerned. I wasn't in any state to be trusted alone at that point. I was starting to ponder the best way to end the misery I brought to the world and they weren't pretty thoughts. I couldn't just do what April had done; I'd heal. I knew there were drugs around the high school I'd seen them being exchanged. Maybe that would work, drugs seemed to work on me just fine. I couldn't do it in a way where I'd be found, and Emma would realize what I had done. It had to be an accident, but I couldn't involve other people. I didn't want to hurt anyone else. I knew I was strong. Beating up a drug dealer near the high school would be easy. Its not like they didn't deserve it. That's what I'd do. I'd ask for a ride into town to go shopping at the market. I looked back at Emma.

"You think I can get a ride to Smallville tomorrow so I can go shopping at the market?"

"If you feel up to it, sure."

She perked up a bit. Poor Emma. She'd be better off. They all would. It was quiet night. Sarah was staying with Edna and Heather. Emma hadn't been sure how long I'd be at the hospital. The next morning, I pretended everything was normal. I went for my jog, I did my cooking lesson, and I helped Edna on the farm. Emma seemed content that I was doing better so she drove me to town. She and Sarah came with me to the market. When Sarah had her distracted, I vanished into the crowd. There was a guy I'd seen selling what I assumed were drugs near the high school. I knew the area he hung out in, it was a short run away. I found him on his street corner. He was alone so I approached him.

"What do you want kid?"

"What do you have?"

He looked a bit surprised.

"Aren't you the orphan that got adopted by the old sheriff?"

"Why do you care? What do you have?"

Not here. He motioned to the alleyway. He had a variety apparently. I asked him what the strongest was. He had some pills he said would make me forget all my troubles. He had a lot of them. That was all I need to know I grabbed them, and he grabbed my wrist and I ripped away from him easily he looked a bit shocked and pulled out a knife. I wasn't fast enough, and he stabbed me in the shoulder. It burned a bit, but I'd felt so much worse in my life I pulled it out and punched him in the face as hard as I could. I heard a very disturbing crack. He went down I put his knife in my pocket and walked down the alley. I could feel the wound burning and then it was gone. I stuffed my shirt and my jacket in my bag and pulled on my hoodie. I went back to the market and found Emma talking to one of the deputies. I rushed over.

"Hey."

"Oh my god Amber where did you go?"

"Sorry I saw someone from school didn't realize how long I was gone."

"Sorry deputy."

He looked like he was a bit sore and glanced at me.

"No problem Emma, I understand."

He looked at me.

"You need to stop worrying Emma so much."

"Yes sir."

I nodded. I knew it wouldn't be much longer before she wouldn't have to worry about me anymore. He seemed content with my answer and with a nod he wandered off. I heard sirens in the distance. Someone had found him. Even if he talked it was doubtful anyone would believe I'd robbed him and he had enough drugs on him he was going to jail for a long time. My shoulder was feeling a bit tender still, but it wasn't bleeding. After a few hours it wasn't even red anymore. I put my clothes in a cloth bag and put them in my school bag. I wait until dark and went downstairs to find Emma.

"Mom, can I go to the farm? I wanted to do some stargazing."

"Okay, just don't be too late."

"Don't worry about me mom. I'll be here. Bye"

I ran towards Metropolis. I'd die in the bush somewhere. It would take years to find me. I sat against a tree and took the pills. I fell asleep. I was woken up by my phone ringing. I looked at the time It had only been an hour. I frowned it was April. I picked it up

"Hi April."

"Heya, how you are feeling?"

I looked down at the empty bag of pill and tossed it behind me.

"I'm doing great."

"Do you want to hang out tonight?"

"I can't, mom is being kind of paranoid about me. Its probably best if I just stay around the house for a while."

I felt bad lying to her, but I just wasn't ready to be social.

"Oh, okay."

"Hey, I was just working on something can I call you back tomorrow?"

"Sure. Talk to you tomorrow."

I hung up the phone and pulled myself up. I sighed. Pills didn't work. I can't go get hit by a car. I could go fall in crater lake. No, I didn't want to drown. I could go try and get shot. I knew where to go in Metropolis there were places. I ran into Metropolis and went to the tenement area. It was the oldest part of Metropolis. It was usually called Little Gotham, and it wasn't in a good way.

I wandered around until I found a group of guys I assumed to be in a gang. It didn't take as long as you'd think. I saw a gun or two. I walked up to the closest man and kicked him in the knee and then his side when he fell. I looked up and there were four guns pointing at me. They were looking at each other and one of them looked at me and yelled:

"What the fuck?"

I kicked the one the ground again and I was shot several times. I went down. One even shot me in the head when I was down then they rushed off. There had been other people on the street, but they had run off. About fifteen minutes later I was standing up and the bullets were popping out of me. I had no idea how I could do it now. I ran to the Kent farm and used a second set of clothes I had in the chest there. I collapsed onto the couch. There was the Superman memorial but even that I don't think would kill me, it just weakened me a lot. I put my feet up on the chest and looked at the barn roof.

I texted Emma.

Hey mom. I'm still at the farm. Is it okay if I stay for a while longer?

I waited a few minutes and my phone vibrated.

Sure, just don't be too late.

Okay mom.

I threw the phone down on the couch and it slid behind one of the cushions. I swore under by breath. It was uncharacteristic me to swear even when alone. I felt something that wasn't my phone it was smooth. When I yanked it out it was a six-inch-long crystal. It was smooth and faceted. I looked through it. And it was noticeably clear except on the edges then I could see a pattern form inside. I heard my phone vibrate and I dug into the couch for it. It was Jacob that time.

Jacob: Hey Ambs smile face emoji

I didn't answer him and went back to looking at the crystal. The pattern was very fascinating I'd never seen anything like it, not that I had a wide breadth to compare it to. It was beautiful. I closed my eyes and ran my fingers along it like I used to do with crystal and rocks in my old body. I dropped it suddenly as I realized what it felt like. It was exactly like the thing my uncle had given me I jumped away from it. It just sat there casting a prism from the full moon along the floorboards of my hideaway. My phone drew me out of my panic. It vibrated again. I snatched it off the couch cushion and read it.

Jacob: Arm in cast emjoii Have to test one handed and you can't even respond. Sad panda face emoji Crying emoji

I laughed and I typed into my phone.

Me: Sorry dropped my phone in the couch. Sorry about your arm. Smiley face emoji. Is your dad mad at me?

Jacob: Did is not mad devil face emoji He was wandering if u wanted a job twisting some of his supplier's arms. puking face emoji

Jacob: smiley face emoji Sorry can't text one handed

Me: smiley face emoji

I put he phone down and looked down at the crystal again. I believe is the term is the call of the abyss. I couldn't resist I bent down and picked it up. It seemed to have no reaction to me. There were no markings on it. I went to the secret compartment someone had built into this place. It was coming in handy. I put my second set of bloody clothes in it along with the knife from the drug dealer in the morning. I dropped the crystal on top of the bloody clothes, and it started to glow. I picked it up, my blood had still been slightly moist the crystal seemed to absorb it and inside on the clear faces I could see a series of characters. Not that I had a clue what any of them were. There ten characters per face but they made no sense. After a few minutes the glow subsided, and the symbols vanished. I kneeled and put the crystal in carefully away from the still wet blood and replaced the board. I looked out the loft doors I could see the smoke coming out of the foundry stacks. I looked at my phone. Jacob had texted back picked it up and put it on the chest. I pulled off my fit now. I took off my clean clothes and folded them nicely and put them beside both of those, then I went back in the secret stash and pulled out the least shredded of the clothes and pulled them on.

I remembered the class trip we went on to tour the foundry. It was where a good portion of Smallville's residents worked. It was south of Smallville. Surely a vat of molten metal would do the trick. I ran to the foundry. Climbing the fence was easy. The whole thing was easy. They are looking to stop trucks, not people. Inside the foundry building was dark save for the glow of the molten metal in the vats. They only had a few workers there to keep the fires hot. I managed to get up on the catwalks they use to monitor the steel vats without being seen. I stood there at the edge I tore the chain away the link broke easily under my growing strength. I looked at the vat I stood there at the edge I expected it to be hotter. But I felt nothing. I heard footsteps at the far end of the catwalk the man paused at the top of the stairs.

"Whatever it is man, you don't need to do that. You don't want that death."

He seemed to think I was a man. I glanced at him.

"It's the death they had, its what I deserve I'm sorry you have to see this. Please don't look."

I jumped. I sunk into the metal my clothes were on fire instantly but I felt nothing beyond a soft warmth. I sunk deeper. I could feel it entering my mouth, but it did nothing besides hurt my ability breath by being in the way. I had not expected to last this long, and I started to panic at the thought of drowning. I lunged for the edge and pulled myself over the edge. I fell about thirty feet. I landed badly and one on my arms was twisted the wrong way and a bone was sticking out. I coughed up some of the molten metal and just ran. I didn't look back to see what the man that had spoken to me was doing.

By the time I reached my hide away I had solid metal stuck to my skin. One of my arms was bent wrong. When it finally popped back there was a lot of pain. I had thought the pain I had felt as Kristen was the worst it could get. That was worse. I held in a scream of pain and started pealing off the cooled steel. Some of my skin came off. Leaving raw patches that quickly healed. I coughed up a few more chunks of the solid metal they left my throat feeling terrible. I lost track of how long I sat there naked staring at the largest chunk of steel. There was no way out. I literally could not die. My phone vibrated.

Mom: Its 11:30, when you are coming home?

I picked up my phone with a sigh.

Me: Fell asleep. On my way.

I put my clothes on. Didn't have any spare underclothes here so that wasn't exactly super comfortable. I wrapped my Fitnow around my wrist and put my phone in my pocket and picked up my school bag. I walked home and it took me about fifteen minutes to get across the field and to my front door. I unlocked it and went inside. Emma was waiting for me.

"Sorry mom, I was reading A tale of two cities and it just put me to sleep."

"It's okay. You could have just read that at home you know."

"I needed some alone time. And the moon was full tonight, best nights to look at it with the telescope."

She nodded.

"Good night."

I nodded and went upstairs. I didn't even bother changing out of my clothes, I just flopped on the bed face first and passed out. I was exhausted. Apparently healing took a lot out of me.