Chapter 15: Ana Loses Her Temper

"Ana!" came Peter's voice from behind. "Stop, please. We need to talk." He sounded a little concerned, much to my confusion, but I did grind to a halt once we were out of shouting distance from the others.

As I waited for him to catch up, I turned to face him. When he was close enough, I was able to read both anger and something else. Concern maybe, relief? He was trying to let his frustration with me—and the Prince—show so I couldn't tell for sure what emotion he was trying to hide. Nor why he was trying to hide it from me.

"What were you thinking?" was the first—rather second—words out of his mouth.
"Excuse me?" I questioned, wondering just what he thought I did. This was more than disobeying an order to flee.
"What were you thinking when you let Caspian run after Miraz? I sent you with him to stop him from doing anything rash and now because of the two of you our army is half dead!"
"I—" I started, but I couldn't say anything else as he plowed on.
"What was going through your head when you defied my orders? That you could be some kind of hero? I ordered you to get out, to retreat. Instead, you chose to stay behind. For what? To die? It was suicidal!" His comment had me hard pressed to not smile given that's exactly what his plan to raid the castle was. "I don't know what's gotten into you, but I won't have you thinking you can disobey orders from your King. I should've just left you here! You haven't helped the Narnians! All you've managed to do is cripple them! Cair Paravel was lost because of you, the Narnians were killed and scattered because of you. Does your title mean nothing?! You were supposed to protect them! Not get them killed. So far I haven't seen you protecting anyone but yourself! You alone escaped the castle. Care to explain why you didn't try and help anyone else escape?"

I listened to every word he said with a sinking feeling in my chest. As his tirade continued, I could no longer look at him. Every word he said felt like a dagger hitting me. They hurt. They were half-truths and false accusations. Yet a part of me believed every word, which made it harder to do anything but submit to his authority. But it also made me angry and I could feel Phoenix itching to get out but I pushed it down, knowing it wouldn't be good for me to lose my head. And I managed until...

"How could you let them die? The Ana I knew would've given her life for them." His statement was much quieter but it was enough for me to lose it.
"How dare you," I stated, dangerously calm. Peter took a step back in surprise, eyes going wide. "How dare you accuse me of being selfish when you weren't even there. 'Stay at the castle, Ana.' 'Someone needs to guard the castle while we're away.' 'I don't need you on the battlefield. We'll be just fine without you.'" I mocked, recalling all the times they forced me to stay behind. "You wouldn't let me do anything actually useful so I was wholly unprepared for an attack. I couldn't rally the Narnians, I couldn't create a decent strategy, I couldn't even keep Generals alive long enough to help! Because while you were off slaying giants, fighting wars, and strategizing battle plans I was stuck in the castle doing nothing but keeping dignitaries and nobles from growing bored. I wasn't allowed to be a warrior and when you disappeared all the responsibility fell to me.

"I tried the best I could. But when you disappeared, I lost the only family I could remember having! How could I rally my own people when I barely had the strength to get up some days? I wanted to die, so many times. I was careless in battle, just trying to bring relief but I had a guardian angel that wouldn't let me die. And I hated Him for it. I was left defenseless from an invasion with little experience on how to lead an army. I did the best I could given my circumstances and when it came down to it, I sacrificed my freedom so that the Narnians would live. The only reason the Narnians are alive today is because of me!" I took a breath to calm down, but I couldn't let Peter talk. I wouldn't be able to finish if he did and I needed to get this off my chest.

"When Cair Paravel was being overrun, I had to make a choice. The castle was already lost, but must I lose the Narnians as well? So Phoenix created a diversion that allowed them to flee into the woods, to spend the rest of their lives in hiding. They would have to hide, but at least they were alive. I didn't even think about what would happen to me. I just did it because I knew it was the only way for them to survive. And as a result, the last three hundred years have not been kind to me. I thought those first few centuries were bad, but this was much worse...

"The only reason I have standing before you today is because some Telmarines are actually good. Professor Cornelius is one of them. If I had it my way, I wouldn't here. I just wouldn't. As payment for all he did for me, there was no way I could leave Cornelius in those cells. After that, I had no control over what happened. I tried to stop Caspian but he had his mind set on vengeance. He wouldn't listen to me. How can you blame me and call me selfish when all I've ever done is try to keep you alive, your siblings alive, the Narnians alive and even a Telmarine Prince? It was your idea to invade the castle, even after others told you it likely wouldn't work. I only begged to come because I had a duty to keep you alive, no matter how foolish the plan was. My title means nothing, but my duty is everything. What have I done to cripple the Narnians? Tell me, please, who has hurt them more? What happened to Narnia, might be my fault but at least the Narnians lived. I gave them that much."

He was shocked by my outbursts but it quickly melted into anger again. "You're accusing me? Are you saying this is all my fault? You had a responsibility when we left and you failed to do one thing."
"Nothing I did would ever be enough!" I blurted. "You wish I had died? Well, so did I! I tried. Don't you understand? I tried to grant your wish—because it was mine at the time—but Aslan wouldn't let me. If you have a problem with that, take it up with Him!" I turned to walk away, but Peter grabbed my arm to stop me. It wasn't tight, but it was unusual for him to do so.
"I am your King. You do not walk away from me and you do not disobey my orders," he warned.
"No," I answered. "Aslan's my King. You're nothing but a coward who's blaming everyone but themselves. What happened at the castle was just as much your fault as it was Caspian's. Both of you are acting childish, fighting amongst yourselves when the true enemy is trying to knock down our door. We don't need the Telmarines to destroy us. We're already tearing ourselves down from within. I've tried so hard to hold my tongue, to not speak out and keep the peace. But I can't anymore. If you want me to obey your orders, than start acting like a King. Not a scared little boy. We all lost something, Peter. Not just you."

He was seething. The anger he felt rolled off him in waves. His grip on my arm had tightened ever so slightly. He hadn't spoken and I watched him curiously, trying to decipher what he wished to tell to me. But I wasn't prepared for what he finally managed to say.
"You're help is unneeded. Why don't you just leave?" he asked.

My anger quickly evaporated with that statement and something in his demeanor changed as well. Did he believe he had won? I shook off his arm and barely restrained myself from pushing him back. "They need me," I answered, politely but with enough edge to let him know I was still angry. I was just trying to keep calm after my outbursts. "You need me. Whether you admit it or not, you know it's true. If I walk away, how many of the Narnians do you think will stay? If I leave, what messages does that tell them? It's says that I believe we have no chance, that we're going to lose. If I leave, you will lose some of the support you have with the Narnians. I'm not here because of you. I'm here because them. I failed them once, but I won't do so again. We have a chance to win if we rally together. We work much better together than as constant enemies. And I'm not your enemy, Peter, truly. Why can't you just trust me? Why can't we work together?"

Peter just stood there. His face was blank, unreadable. I couldn't tell if he was still angry or if he was truly listening to what I had said. There wasn't anything left to say either as I suspected he himself didn't know the answers to my questions. I took a step, meaning to leave again, and he once again tried to stop me.

"Excuse me," I said, moving out of his reach.
"We're not done," he stated.
"I think we are. You need to rally the Narnians after what has happened and I need to have my injuries seen to. We've lost enough today. You don't need another warrior down for the count."

Then I turned on my heels and quickly left. I realized I had gotten myself too work up and could feel my magic pushing towards the surface. If I didn't calm myself when I did, there could've been disastrous consequences. I trusted Phoenix wouldn't harm him, but she also had her own mind and who knew what would happened if I lost control. Keeping her locked up made it all that much harder to prevent Phoenix from coming out during moments of intense emotion. I needed to find a way to regain my control.

As I returned to the main room, I realized there were no footsteps behind me. Peter wasn't following me at that moment. I could only assume it was because he was shocked, but it also could've been that he was trying to keep his anger in check. Either way, I was alone when I entered the main hall and a majority of the Narnians present looked in my direction. They had to know that Peter had followed me and were likely trying to decipher what had a occurred between us. I quickly sent them a reassuring smile and went in search of Lucy—who I noted was missing along with her siblings and Caspian. It felt weird having their eyes on me, but I knew I had to make them believe things were fine between us. It would only make things more difficult if they thought we were at odds.

I turned down the hall towards the Stone Table room. It was my best guess as to where Lucy was likely to be. But as I approached, I heard two voices—neither of which were female—and the tone caused me to stop in my tracks. It sounded dark and worrisome. I felt a little guilty for eavesdropping, but knew I had to figure out if there was some threat amongst our ranks. So I tried to listen without getting any closer and identified one of them as Caspian's.

"What do you want? Congratulations?" the Prince stated rather smugly.
"You want your uncle's blood? So do we. You want his throne? We can get it for you," the other replied.
"Nikabrik," I whispered, placing the second voice.

The voices started to fade after that and I realized they continued further down the hall. Feeling that Nikabrik was planning something, I followed them. I missed only a brief moment of conversation but I heard enough. Nikabrik mentioned something about 'keeping Aslan at bay for near a hundred of years' and I quickly fled from the room. He had a way to bring back the witch and I knew I would need help. If Caspian was a willing participant, I couldn't take them all on my own. Doing so would just cause more problems for Peter.

So instead of causing more trouble for him, I made up my mind to find Peter and tell him what I had heard. When I reached the main room, no one noticed me this time. I quickly scanned the room, looking for Peter, while heading towards the tunnel I had last seen him in. Luckily, before I headed down that path, I found three of the royals and Trumpkin. Susan was missing, but I didn't focus on where she could be, and ran over to them.

Each sent me a small smile, with the exception of Peter, but I didn't dwell on it.

"I overheard Nikabrik talking with Caspian. Something about the witch. I believe Caspian is about to do something he'll regret," I said as soon as was close enough to avoid causing a panic.
"Where?" Peter asked, face full of worry and concern. All trace of anger vanished immediately.
"The Stone Table," I said and they all took off running.

Their actions drew the attention of everyone present. Many stopped their tasks and watched the royals run past, curiosity clear on their faces. I followed just behind them, knowing I hadn't been invited but would likely need to help. We had to stop Caspian before it was too late or Narnia would be a lot worse off than we already were.