It was getting worse. Everything was getting worse.
The throbbing in his temple had escalated into a loud, hard drumming Rex could barely think beyond; the tight claws grasping at his chest continued to squeeze and constrict.
And the guilt that had plagued him since the first 212th brother he'd shot down under orders froze his veins in solid ice.
So, when the first wave of nausea passed over him, Rex hardly noticed it among everything else.
Cody had arrived with General Kenobi less than twenty minutes ago and Rex had spent most of that time debriefing his commanding officers on the tragedy that had been Umbara.
Kenobi, for his part, looked absolutely horrified—and Rex knew him to be one of the most emotionally stable Jedi he'd ever had the pleasure of serving with, besides General Windu. To see such emotions playing out over his face reminded Rex of the gravity of their situation.
Though the immediate danger had passed, there was still a lot to answer for. And he still didn't feel so good…
"I…" Kenobi shook his head, arms crossed tightly about his chest. "I can't believe… Nothing like this should ever have happened."
"It's all right, sir," Rex reassured, and he didn't miss the critical look Cody shot his way.
Kenobi shook his head. "No, it's not. Nothing about this is all right. About this campaign, this war. Captain, I know it won't change anything, but I am truly sorry for what went down here."
"Sir, please," Rex said, swallowing hard. "That's not necessary."
"It's more than necessary, Rex, and your troops deserve far more than a simple apology, but I'm afraid that's all I can give you at the moment."
"Actually, sir," Rex began hesitantly, purposely avoiding his ori'vod's eyes, "there is something else you can do."
Kenobi seemed all too eager to comply. "Name it."
"You can get the 501st off this planet." As soon as possible, General.
A grim smile graced Kenobi's face. "Of course. You all have gone above and beyond your duty as soldiers here. The Resolute is ready and waiting for you just above atmosphere."
Rex nodded, trying not to let his relief bleed off him so openly. Cody already seemed overly suspicious as it is…
"Thank you, sir. I'll inform the men. I expect they'll be ready to depart in ten minutes or less."
"Cody and I can finalize things here. We should be able to meet you all in about a half hour."
"We won't make the jump to hyperspace until the Negotiator is ready, sir."
"Well, we won't take long, then." With a nod of his own, Kenobi went to see after his own troops, to make a full damage assessment.
To clean up after the mess less behind by the 501st.
Rex felt his fingers begin to flex against again and he quickly fisted them. He didn't need to draw Kix's attention again.
Not with Cody watching him like a shriek-hawk.
"I'm not gonna lie," Cody said once the general was out of earshot, "that was the most horrific debrief I've ever heard."
"You have no idea."
"Why don't you enlighten me?"
"I just did."
"No," Cody corrected and Rex tried not to wince, "you just told General Kenobi the statistical version, the impersonal, on-a-need-to-know-basis version." When Rex briefly met his gaze, Cody's eyes softened. "I want to know your version, your side of the story."
"I don't have a side."
"Everyone has a side, Rex. Every single trooper here was personally affected by Krell's treachery in some way or another—"
"You think I don't know that?" Rex snapped, yet Cody simply pressed on as if his brother hadn't said anything at all.
"And I have a feeling you got the worst of it."
"What makes you say that?"
Cody nodded towards Rex's head in the same way Kix had earlier. "You wanna tell me what happened to your head?"
"I was in a battle, Cody. Several, actually. What do you think happened to my head?" Honestly, how many times would he be forced to tell this same story?
Cody's eyes narrowed as he studied Rex. "I think that you're not telling me everything."
"Give the man a prize! Well done, Commander, you guessed it."
"Rex…"
"Did you ever think that maybe there are things I don't want to talk about right now? Things I might not want to talk about at all?" And stars! Did his head hurt!
"Look, I can't help you if you don't—"
"I don't want your help, all right?" Another wave of nausea grabbed hold of him and he had to steady himself before he continued. "All I want is to get my men off this vaping planet and lie down. Is that too much to ask?"
"Of course not." And Rex hated the concern that began to bubble up in his brother's eyes. "But you need to get that checked out first."
Rex set his jaw. "I'll get to it, but I need to—"
Cody's hands closed around his shoulders as he swayed. "Rex?"
"I'm…" He quickly massaged his forehead with dirty gloved fingers. Only when the world stopped spinning could he speak again. "I'm fine. I'm just… just tired."
"That's the understatement of the century." The next thing Rex knew, he was being guided gently toward the nearest gunship. "All right, I've heard your case. Now it's time for you to listen to mine. You're going to go back to the Resolute and find Coric. He's going to clean your temple and apply some bacta. It's already infected, so don't try to wriggle your way out of this one. After that, you're gonna head to your quarters and wait for me. Then,"—Cody eyed Rex with that old, familiar look that told Rex not to fight it if he knew what was good for him—"we're going to talk."
"Cody, I don't—"
"Just because you don't want my help doesn't mean you don't need it. Now, go on, or it'll be Kix you'll have to deal with instead of Coric. Understand?"
"Sure."
"Good. Now, go. I'll be up as soon as I can."
Swallowing a sigh, Rex stepped into the gunship, which was already filled to the brim with weary troopers eager to go home. With what he hoped was a confident nod to his men, Rex slid his helmet on and grabbed a handhold.
For their short ride, at least, he could be invisible, could hide behind his mask and no one would be the wiser.
All the pain, all the humiliation, all the guilt, all of it gone. Hidden away beneath the strong build of a captain.
Because when the men looked at him, they would see their fearless leader, the one who led the charge against Krell. The one who saved them all from certain death.
They'd never see the terrified trooper, the inferior cadet that Rex felt he'd become somewhere along that hellish journey. They'd never see the degraded officer, or the helpless soldier who had so often stood powerless against the four-armed monster they all once called General.
Rex wouldn't let them see. No. He had an image to uphold, a reputation to keep intact. And when they looked at him, Rex would rather his men see the fearless captain who led his troops in the first mutiny in the history of the 501st.
Not the fallen soldier on his knees begging Krell in vain for the lives of his men.
Because if his men still believed in him, perhaps one day Rex could learn how to believe in himself again, too.
Anakin felt an unadulterated rage blaze through him before Obi-Wan had even finished his story.
How dare he.
How dare he!
He was able to swallow back his anger long enough to form a coherent thought.
"How are they?" Anakin didn't even need to clarify the Who.
How dare he…
"I'm not going to lie to you, Anakin," the miniature blue hologram of his Master replied. "This hit them pretty hard. We're on our way back to Coruscant now."
"Ahsoka and I will be waiting. Are you sure you don't want—"
"Anakin," Obi-Wan interrupted, his tone bordering on barely restrained exhaustion, "it will not be helpful if you fly all the way out here and have us stop our hyperspace jump. You need to use this time in between to calm down, to center yourself so you can be at your best when we arrive."
"I know." With a sigh, Anakin glanced at the wall chrono. "I just… Kriff, I wish I had been there."
"What did the Chancellor end up needing?"
At this, Anakin's cheeks colored. It had been a stupid request, a trivial need that could've vaping well waited until Anakin finished up the Umbara campaign.
But he wasn't about to tell Obi-Wan that. Revealing the true reason for his sudden departure would be like adding salt to the wound. And if the reason ever happened to become widespread among the troops…
Well, he knew the clones' view of the Chancellor and the Senate was already pretty low to begin with.
Anakin swallowed, purposely avoiding Obi-Wan's transparent eyes. "Uh…"
"It's all right." His old Master's expression was the epitome of understanding, as always. "We can discuss it further when I get back."
"Come back soon, okay?"
A small smile graced Obi-Wan's lips. "I have the Admiral pushing the engines to the max."
"Good. Uh… I'm guessing my boys are on the Resolute?"
"And I'm on the Negotiator, yes, Anakin. But Cody is with Rex."
His Master said this as though it was supposed to reassure Anakin, but it only made him more confused. "Rex…?"
Then, it hit him like a ton of durasteel bricks.
Without him and Ahsoka, Rex would've been second-in-command under Krell. Kriff.
"Yes…" Obi-Wan's minor hesitation chilled him to the bone. "I got a chance to speak with him before he left the planet for the flagship. While he seemed to have his appearance under tight control, his Force-signature was very… off. I don't know how to explain it, but it didn't feel right. Also—and I'm only telling you this so that you can be prepared when you see him—there was a sizable gash on the side of his forehead. It was unlike any battle wound I've ever seen and I'm not sure how he could've acquired it during a fight if he had his helmet on."
How dare he…
Anakin felt his fist tighten. "I swear, if that barve wasn't already dead, I'd—"
Though he didn't finish—how could he in good conscience? Not with Obi-Wan standing there—his Master seemed to get the picture.
"I know, Anakin. For your sake, I'm glad that's already been taken care of. And for the sake of your troops… Please, remember to control your emotions, will you?"
Anakin nodded. "I'll try."
"No, Anakin. You can't try on this one. Not this time. You must be in control of your emotions when you meet your men. They need calm reassurance, not blazing promises of vengeance. Not if you wish them to heal quickly."
"No one just heals quickly after something like this, Master."
"Still…" Obi-Wan's voice was a mere whisper now. "We have to try. For their sake."
No, Anakin thought as his Master closed the comm channel, we have to do.
Oh, Rex…
After several deep breaths, Anakin went to find his Padawan. She needed to be prepared for her troops' return.
Who am I fooling? No one's ever prepared for this kind of thing.
And not for the first time, he admitted to himself that he had no idea what to do, how to help. What to say when they get here…
Because what do you say after a monster like Krell?
After a disaster like Umbara?
And how do you help someone heal when you weren't even there? When your absence was the one thing that caused it all to go wrong in the first place…
Kriff this. This battle. This war.
Kriff it all.