HI I'm back and I really have nothing to say except that it's been too long but I miss Towen so much. And Also i tried looking at people's tweets about this show and I guess not everyone loves Towen so naturally I took that personally and deleted the app again lol. Anyways this one is for you, my Towen loving friends. I only want to talk to you and you alone. I started this months ago... but tweaked it because naturally i got my inspiration back from the premiere.

ALSO this song... is... my favorite.

Can We Hang On? - Cold War Kids

Teddy sat on a bench. Their bench. Or at least she thinks it's their bench. It's the bench where they had their first kiss. The bench where he took her. The bench where they sat and talked about feelings and family and his marriage and … everything. The bench where he leaned in and grab her face and kissed her. Kissed her like he's been waiting for this moment for years. Decades. Kissed her like it was so pure. Kissed her like he wasn't married. They haven't gone back to this bench since but she thinks of this bench as their bench. She remembers the night he kissed her for the first time. The sky was clear. The city lights, the stars, the Space Needle—they were all twinkling.

Now she sits on their bench. She keeps her eyes on the skyline. It's cloudy. The city lights blurred by her tears that are threatening to fall. She wraps her sweater around her and she tucks her legs under her. She takes a shaky breath and lets it go. She called her therapist and she tells her to take deep breaths. She tells her that she's going to be okay. That what she did can be fixed. That she needs to keep breathing.

But she's scared. She's scared to lose everything. Her everything depended on him. Her home. Her kids. Her family. Her city. Her life. They all revolved around him.

Why did she do it. How could she do it.

She pulls out the pack of cigarettes in her purse. She hasn't done this in so long. But it was what she felt like she needed. It felt like a sin. But it also felt like a comforting friend. The last time she smoked a cigarette was when Henry died. Arizona took her to a batting cage and they spent the night hitting balls. Letting out all the aggression. They sat at the bleachers after and smoked cigarettes. She talked—though she didn't really know or remember what she was saying. She had a friend then. A friend who understood her and listened to her.

Well, Henry dying wasn't equivalent to this. It wasn't her fault Henry died. But this? This was her fault. She knows. She knows how badly she messed up. This was bad.

The point is that the stress level is equivalent. She needed this. She needed that feeling of taking a pull from the cigarette. The false comfort it provides when the smoke fills her lungs. She doesn't understand why it brings her a sense of peace when the disgusting taste fills her mouth. She blows the air out shakily. The smoke between her lips. She closes her eyes and lets the tears fall. Well, she really fucked up.

She doesn't know how long she and Owen has spoken to each other. She lost track with everything that's happening. Besides professionally, or handing-off the kids, they haven't said much to each other. Not since the parking lot. Not since he drove away.

And she tried. She tries. She's trying. But some days it just feels hopeless. Today Jo told her to try harder. How? She's camped out in front of his mom's house. She's called. She doesn't know anymore. Today she thought they'd finally talk, but he had a different agenda. She's tired. She's so tired.

She's lonely too. This little cancer stick is all she has. Suddenly she doesn't hate Germany. She misses it. She just wants peace. Peace from the chaos she started.

"You're a cadiothoracic surgeon, for fuck's sake" She hears him say. For a second she thought it was just in her head, but she hears his boots shuffle in the dirt.

She glances behind her and he's standing there with his hands stuffed in his jacket pockets. She doesn't say anything. She just looks at him.

"Why the fuck are you smoking a cigarette"

She doesn't know what to say. She doesn't know if this is real life of she's finally having a psychotic break.

"What are you doing here? How did you find me?" She manages to blurt out.

"I don't know. I come here to think sometimes." He says. She doesn't say anything. He doesn't move. He stays a good distance away from her. "Great minds, I guess"

She doesn't say anything either. She doesn't know what to say. She just looks back ahead at the space needle. Flashes of light twinkle from the top and she could feel her heart pounding.

"Do you—uh—can we talk now? Can I join you?"

She nods. She hears him move closer to her and sits on the opposite end of the bench. He takes the pack of cigarettes from her purse and pulls one and lights one for himself.

"I'm glad I found you here. I went to the house the car wasn't there so I —"

"Yeah, no… I… Needed a second." She stammers. He just nods, understanding. There's a lot happening. A lot to digest.

"Sorry about your patient. The kid…. From the wildfire?"

"Oh. Thanks. Yeah. That was sad."

They smoke their cigarettes quietly. She doesn't know what to say. She can feel him feeling her out.

"So you're not okay about me dying?"

"No. You don't get to die" She says, blowing out smoke. Giving him a smile.

"I just need to know, Teds." Her heart melts hearing him say a shortened version her name. She missed this. She missed him. "Have you still been seeing him?"

"No. I want to be with you, Owen." She says sadly. "I—that's over. And I only speak to him at work and I don't answer his calls or texts."

He just nods. She turns to face him, but he doesn't look at her.

"I want to marry you. I want to raise our children together. Move on. Forget this all ever happened. Although, I don't know if I can. I just want to start over. I want another chance. Please. I'll do anything." She doesn't know how or where these words are coming from but it's spilling out of her mouth. These are words she need to say. Words, that for some reason, she's been hesitant to say.

"I don't think I can either—forget I mean."

"I understand if you want to walk away. I wouldn't like it, but I get it. I'm sure I've humiliated you in every way. But I love you, Owen. We've gone this far. I'm gonna do everything stop you from walking away"

He doesn't say anything, but he glances at her. He takes a pull from his cigarette and blows it out slowly. She wants to reach for him and rub his back and kiss his head and tell him that whatever he is feeling is valid and it will pass. She wants to be there to comfort him.

"There have been so many great things that have happened to us— between us. We've always been there for each other. We have kids. We have a family. I fucked up. I fucked up big time. And I'm so sorry. I hope you understand how sorry I am. I love you. I love you. I love everything about you and our family. Please. I'm sorry." The tears are back. She feels it burning her eyes. And she reaches for his arm and gives it a squeeze. "We have gone through so much. Please don't let this one thing ruin that."

"You ruined that, Teddy. You did all that."

"And I'm sorry. And I know saying sorry isn't enough. But I'm sorry"

"Why did you do it?"

"Because I was afraid. My therapist—oh yeah I started seeing one—thinks I did it because I was afraid. And she's right. And I'm afraid because it's easy. Because it works. Because we were happy. And you see me and get me and understand me. And I love just as much. I'm crazy about you. And you know that good things don't happen to me, not without a catch. And I was afraid the catch will come. And I was afraid that someone will come along and you will fall in love with her or someone will come back with obligations and you will choose them. So I blew it all up. And I'm working on it. I'm working on accepting that I am worthy of good things. I'm worthy." She sighs "I'm not saying I was right. That what I did was right. It's not an excuse. I'm saying that I think that's why I did it. But it was wrong. It was a mistake. I fucked up."

"You know, today, when your patient died and the dad—I— There's so many terrible things happening in this world and so many things happening that are so much worse than what's happening to us. People are dropping dead around us. WE barely see our children. We're missing so much. We're missing it because we're taking care of other people. Because we're busy fighting. I want to be with the people we love. I want to raise our children together. I want to go home at night to hold you and our kids and—I want to get past it. I want to. I want to forget. Trust me. But it's—it still hurts. And I am mad. I am so mad."

She doesn't know what to say. She waits for him to continue. To get to the point.

"I want that too. It's always been you, Owen. For me? It's always been you."

He doesn't say anything. And she wants to know what's going on in his head.

"Come back home, Owen. It's your house."

"It's our house."

"Come home."

"Maybe"

"We don't have to sleep in the same bed. I can take the couch. You can take the bed. Please come home."

Owen finally glances at her and gives her a sad smile.

"Maybe"

She just nods and lights another cigarette and he gives her a look. She hands him the pack and he just puts it in his pockets.

"So you're going to therapy?" He asks

She nods "Your sister suggested I go—"

"Suggested or she bullied you into going?"

"She bullied me."

"You told her?"

"She's my only friend, Owen. I don't have friends here. I work in a hospital where everyone hates me even though there are much bigger problems they should focus on"

He doesn't say anything. They were quiet for a while. There's nothing else to say, she thinks. But he's not walking away so she just accepts the silence.

"I missed you" He says quietly.

She scoots across the bench closer to him. "I'm really sorry, Owen. I know 'sorry' doesn't cut it but please tell me it's not over."

"I like that song. The one you played that night in the parking lot."

"I know."

He doesn't say anything. He doesn't move. But he also doesn't move away when she puts her head on his shoulder.

"You really shouldn't be smoking."

She takes one long drag and blows it out. "I know." She says as she kills it. "I have another song for you"

"Yeah?"

She pulls out her phone and plays the song quietly. "Listen. Just listen."

They sit and listen.

She feels him relax against her.

They'll hang on. She knows the will. They're Teddy and Owen.

ALSO Can we talk about how in the show Teddy played Owen a song? Same, girlfriend. Same. PLS tell me your towen thoughts. I totes understand if you guys are tired of me lol but I really will get less braindead now that this show is back.

PS: dont smoke. it's bad for you. unless it's the good kind. u kno.