Love is a strange thing.
Shinichi remembered thinking that as he stood on the cliff overlooking the peacefully flowing river underneath. The city far ahead was so distant. Its lights were inviting yet dismissive at the same time. The city itself was supposed to feel like home but it did not tonight for him.
He thought he should be happy. He thought he finally had what he wanted. In its dismay came a blessing. That's what he had thought when she – Ran – came back into his life while he was being hospitalized. In his limbo state where he was floating in solemn euphoria, he felt her touch, her voice, her cries, begging him to come back. Telling him she was sorry, telling him she was wrong, telling him she regretted all those years. Telling him she still loved him.
It's like a wake-up call. Hearing her say that. Those three words he'd been dying to hear from her. I love you.
He fought hard to come back. He fought against every fiber of his being because he wanted to be back with her, to be back in her arms, to say those three words to her. I love you.
And now, years later, he's standing here, on the edge of a cliff surrounded by the dark, alone, without her. His eyes gazed emptily toward the luminous city lights.
He felt empty. He felt cold. He felt incomplete.
Shinichi pulled out his phone. He had told Ran he would be working late, therefore no message or call from her, and he knew she would be worried if he did not return the next morning. And he knew it would be the end of their relationship, one that they had worked so hard over the years to repair, to nourish. He knew it would be destroyed if he advanced this plan that was brewing for the past few months. He couldn't predict the future outcomes but there were only two options. One, he would be blissfully and genuinely happy. Two, he would be broken beyond repair.
Clicking the phone shut, he turned on his heels and walked away from the lights.
The tea kettle made a whistling noise. Shiho quickly turned off the stove and poured the hot water into an empty cup. She then put a teabag in and waited for the tea to steep. She had just finished her half hour yoga session. She tried to squeeze in thirty minutes of yoga every morning whenever she could. After having the baby, she realized her body needed more work to stay in shape than it had when she was younger. As she waited for the tea to steep, Shiho started scrolling through her emails on her phone. And then, from above her, there were footsteps thumping across the floor and down the stairs. She turned to the side and the most gorgeous boy emerged from the corner. A six-year-old boy with beautiful thick brown hair and bright blue eyes came running into her wide-stretched arms. His smile lit up the room.
"Mommy!" he said excited as he buried his face in her short, silky brown hair.
"Hi honey, how did you sleep?" she asked him, squeezing him a bit tighter.
"I slept great! I can't wait for today!" he said, his eyes beaming.
She smiled. "It's going to a fun and busy day, so make sure you have enough energy for the whole day," she said.
"I do! I had great night's sleep!"
"Well, you will also need a proper breakfast. So go get ready and I will make some toasts for you, okay?"
"Yes, Mommy!" he said and bounced toward the stairs.
She looked after him and smiled. She loved him so much. She remembered back then when she found out she was pregnant, the thought of getting an abortion never crossed her mind. Shiho then remembered her tea. She went to check on it and found that it had steeped to a perfect aroma.
The carnival was more crowded than she had expected. There were lots of families milling around, parents holding their children's hands. There was a lot of laughter and talking. Noises buzzed about her. Shiho was standing in line at a coffee stand, her fingers typed furiously on her phone, her brows furrowed in deep concentration until a voice called out, tuning out all other sounds in the process.
"You never changed."
She thought the world around her had suspended.
She slowly looked to her side and found him standing there. Her heart skipped a beat. She thought she would drop her phone.
He hadn't changed much in the years. His black hair might have some salt in them, but his bright blue eyes were still fierce. His subtle smirk was still there on his handsome face. He was dressed in a casual white shirt, black pants and a black leather jacket.
His eyes softened a bit as their gazes met.
"Hi," he said.
She couldn't move. She felt grounded, her feet glued to the ground, her heart had stopped beating.
Had it not been for the person behind her saying, "Excuse me, can you move forward please?" she would not have budged.
She slowly stepped out of the line and cautiously advanced toward him.
"Shi..Shinichi…" she whispered his name as if saying it any louder would make him disappear.
His shoulders relaxed a bit, as if he had expected a worse response from her. "You look good," he said, as if they were best friends, not two people who had been through so much and had been apart with no contact for ages.
She swallowed. She felt dizzy. "How did you find me?" she asked, aware that her voice croaked a bit.
He shrugged slightly. "I'm the great detective, remember? If I could bring down the Syndicate, finding you wasn't that hard," he said.
But you're not supposed to find me! She wanted to scream out but instead she just shook her head.
"You look pale." He observed worriedly. "Should we find a bench to sit?"
"You're not supposed to find me," she said finally. Her voice shook a bit. Her gaze hardened as she stared into his blue bottomless orbs. "Why did you come here?"
He seemed taken aback by her reaction. He wasn't expecting this. At all. He thought she would be happy to see him, relieved even.
"I…" He couldn't find the words. "I'm sorry if I had offended you in any way," he said finally.
Suddenly, Shiho was aware of the bystanders, of the curious gazes their way, the curious whispers.
"Follow me," she said, beckoning with her head toward a more secluded part of the park. He followed her.
They were standing on the pier away from the inquisitive eyes and ears. Shiho looked deep into his eyes, trying to hide any possible emotion she may have shown on her face.
"You shouldn't have come here," she said.
"I thought this is what you wanted," he replied.
"If I had wanted you to find me, I would never have left in the first place," she retorted, raising her brow. He's quite dense for the great renowned detective.
Shinichi signed. "Shiho…" He ruffled his slightly disheveled hair. Suddenly, she was brought back to a time when she used to ruffle his hair as he laid his head on her lap, and she'd read him the news and they'd discuss it.
She shook her head, forcing those memories to leave.
"Shiho," he said, "I'm sorry if my arrival had offended you in any way, but I just… I just had to find you."
"Why?"
"Because you left without a note, without any reason. You just up and went." There was pain in his eyes. She averted her gaze.
"I had to do it."
"Did you even care that I survived?"
The world stopped moving. All sounds vanished, leaving an empty hollow in her chest. She stared at him, her eyes widened.
She did care. She cared so much that she had to leave. She knew he was in good hands. She knew he would survive because he's a fighter. He would never give up.
"I knew you would come back," she said softly. "You never give up on anything. And I brought back the one person that I knew would be able to reach out to you."
I brought Ran back to you. Isn't that enough?
"You never stayed around to make sure I was okay. You didn't try to reach out once," he said.
It sounded like he blamed her and she bit her lips.
"I could have died," he concluded.
Suddenly, she felt angry. "Did you just come here to guilt-trip me?"
He shook his head and dug his hands deeper into his pockets. "I just wanted closure," he said. "I wanted to know why you left."
"Why does it matter?"
"Because I care about you. Because I-" He cut himself short, bit his lip and averted his gaze toward the ocean.
"Because you what?" She tilted her head curiously.
He shook his head as he turned back to her. "The point is, why did you leave Shiho? We were all so worried about you. Higo went nuts. He spent so much time looking for you. We all did. You didn't even leave your boyfriend a note!"
"I didn't want him to find me either," she said softly.
"But why? Why Shiho?" He sounded like he was begging her for an answer, but she couldn't give it up easily. She didn't want to make it more complicated than it was.
"I just had to go away. To start over. Home had too many sad memories."
"But home was where Higo and I were."
"I…" She felt choked up. "I'm sorry, Shinichi, but I think you should leave. You shouldn't have come here." She turned on her heels and started running. But she didn't make it far because Shinichi had grabbed her wrist and pulled her into a tight hug.
"You idiot!" He buried his face in her neck. "I love you! That's why I had to find you."
She could not believe her ears. Her eyes widened in disbelief. Her body limp.
"Shinichi…"
"I didn't realize it until after you left," he was saying, squeezing her tighter. "But after you left, I realized there's this hollow in my chest. I didn't understand it at first. I had Ran so I should be happy but I wasn't. Something felt missing. I couldn't place my finger on it…"
Shiho's head was buzzing. Her heart beat loudly in her chest. That's all she could hear in her ears. Her loud beating heart.
He slowly pulled away but still kept his hands on her shoulders. She didn't budge. Her eyes still stared deep into his. Puzzled, mesmerized, confused.
He looked briefly to the side then turned back to her. There was determination and serious in those blue orbs. "I love you," he repeated. "I'm sorry it took me this long to realize it but I was a fool before. I didn't know what I wanted."
She could only stare at him, utterly lost for words. Her mind racing.
Then…
"Shiho…"
Higo was losing his mind quick. Shiho had been gone for almost a week now. There's no note, nothing to explain this sudden leave. He had been racking his brain, trying to pull out memories from the past few weeks, few months, trying to put the pieces together, to see what he'd missed, what had happened to lead to this event.
He couldn't think of anything.
Shiho had been sometimes distant but she blamed it on stress at work. But most of the time, she had been happy with him. Though she had been feeling sick in the mornings, refusing breakfasts he'd made for her. She'd lost weight. He had asked what's wrong but she had never told him.
The sex had still been good. There had been no sign of dissatisfaction from her. They had always snuggled afterward, blissfully in love.
He didn't realize he was crying. He loved her oh so much. Never before had he loved anyone this much, this deep, this unconditionally. So for her to just leave without a reason, it made him go mad.
Even the police couldn't find her. They couldn't find her body. They couldn't find any trace of her, period. She just vanished. It'd only been a week so they're still looking, but Higo could tell their effort was slowly diminishing. Eventually, they would label this as a missing-person case and store it in one of those cold case boxes, and eventually it would all be forgotten. But Higo wouldn't let it happen. He would find her. Because he loved her and he deserved to know 'why.'
Shinichi had gotten out of his coma. Ran, his former girlfriend, returned home after years of being gone, at the request of her best friend, Sonoko, and she'd helped nurture him back to his heath. Higo still remembered the moment when he told the detective of what happened to Shiho. He remembered how the detective's eyes widened, his mouth slightly agape. He seemed frozen for a second and then he asked the same question that Higo had been asking, "Why?"
"I wish I had an answer," Higo had said.
They hadn't said much after that but it was a mutual suffering, a mutual loss that they had endured together. After Shinichi had healed completely, he was quickly back to work and every night after work, he'd meet up with Higo and they would go over all the details the days leading up to Shiho's disappearance. The cops had given up almost completely, there's no point in relying on them anymore. It's on them now. It's up to them to find Shiho.
Months went by. No results. No luck.
Shinichi had made a passing statement that Shiho was really good at hiding and disappearing if she wanted to. It was almost like second nature to her. Higo knew of the difficult childhood that she had, how her parents and her older sister died in an accident, but he always had a nagging feeling that Shinichi and Shiho shared more intimate details that they had let on. Higo would ask her but she always denied, saying he's just imagining things, and when he tried to push further, they would be on the verge of fighting. So eventually, he'd just let go.
Higo had asked Shinichi what he meant by his passing statement, but the latter just shrugged and remained quiet.
No matter how hard they both tried to look for her, they couldn't find a single trace. As if she had just vanished into thin air, which was exactly what she did. But they didn't give up. The chase was afoot.
Higo could tell Ran wasn't comfortable with what her boyfriend was doing, but she's a nice girl so she kept quiet, but sometimes Higo would catch her stealing glances at Shinichi, and there was such sadness in her eyes that it made his heart ache.
Nighttime was the worst. He would lay in their big empty bed and gaze at the white ceiling, thinking about how warm her body was against his, about how their limbs were often intertwined together, how he would have his arm wrapped around her slender shoulder and they would fall asleep together after making love. He looked over to the empty side and the single-word question refused to leave his mind. "Why?" He would shut his eyes and the tears would come.
"She was sick a lot in the morning," said Higo one night when he was working with the detective to locate Shiho. The latter quickly looked up from his papers. His eyes sharpened.
"Sick?" Shinichi asked. "Can you elaborate?"
"She would run into the bathroom and run the water. I couldn't hear what she was doing in there because of the running water but occasionally I'd hear the toilet flushing. I think there's one time she actually threw up."
Shinichi remained quiet, then he asked, "Have you guys been trying?"
Higo knew immediately what he was referring to. He shook his head. "She always said she wasn't ready. She's even on birth control."
Shinichi stared off into the distance, seeming lost in thoughts.
"What are you thinking?" Higo asked.
"Nothing in particular," answered the detective. "Thanks for the information but I don't think that will help us find her."
Higo sighed and put his head in his hands.
"Don't give up," Shinichi said. "We will find her."
"We have to."
Higo had been through all of Shiho's things. The things she had left behind. Nothing could be used to point him in the right direction. He found mainly books, her research notes. All of these felt so alien now. She had never really discussed her work with him, even though he always told her about his job. She had always given him great advice, and maybe that's why he loved listening to her talk. She's a very wise woman beyond her years, and he'd often wondered how he'd gotten so lucky. That thought alone made his heart ache.
The emotional torture stretched on for months, then years, yet neither Shinichi nor Higo gave up on finding Shiho. The two men were definitely exhausted, mostly from emotional stress but they never talked about giving up.
"Do you really love her?" Shinichi asked Higo one night in Shinichi's study room. The room had become so familiar to Higo now that it felt like a second home. There were papers, maps, documents all strewn about on the working desk. Two cups of tea nearby had now gotten cold.
"Of course I do," said Higo. "If I had stopped loving her, I would have stopped searching for her a long time ago."
"That makes sense," said Shinichi. "You are a very lucky man, Higo."
Higo looked up from the map and saw that Shinichi had turned his back toward him. He was now facing a wall of bookshelves, his hands dug casually in his pants' pockets.
"What makes you say that?" asked Higo.
The great detective offered no immediate reply, and then, "She chose you."
Higo leaned back into his chair and looked down at his hands. "Then why did she leave?" he said softly.
No one had an answer for that.
"You said she was sick a lot," said Shinichi one night as they poured over the papers, documents and maps. "Especially in the morning. Are you sure she wasn't…"
"Morning sickness? No way," Higo said shaking his head. "I told you she was on birth control and she's very careful. She said she wasn't ready for kids right now."
"You sure she was taking her pills diligently?"
Higo shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "Well I didn't keep track of that. I didn't think I had to, but I knew she always took some pill in the morning. I assume it was birth control," he said.
Shinichi sat back in his chair. "Did you feel anything different from her? Physically?"
"What do you mean?"
"Like, did you feel any changes to her body?"
Higo felt his face heat up at the topic of Shiho's body. He fought the urge to change subject. "No I didn't," he said at last. "She's not pregnant, if that's what you're implying. She would have told me if she were."
The detective studied him carefully then stood up. "Ah, you're right. I just figured we should cover all bases," he said.
Higo looked at him incredulously but dropped the subject.
Years went by. Higo never gave up. At night when he took a stroll into the city, he'd see couples walking hand in hand and his heart ached. He missed her so much and the question as why she went away so suddenly still haunted him day and night. Was he not good enough? But she never gave any indication that he wasn't. But then again, she was a very private person… Higo sat down on a bench in the park overlooking the river that was now pitch black. The moon above illuminated its shadow on said river's glistening surface.
He sat there and thought once again, probably a trillionth time, about the events leading up to Shiho's disappearance.
She was more quiet, distant. Not all the time, he had to remind himself. She was busy and stressed at work. Could that be the reason? He shook his head. Don't be stupid, he told himself. Then, he thought more about her actions afterward. She started feeling sick and had been refusing breakfasts he'd made for her. She'd lost weight…
Higo's eyes widened. He quickly pulled out his phone and dialed a familiar number.
"Hello?" Shinichi picked up on the third ring.
"Shinichi," Higo said panicky. "What if… what if she was dying?" The words felt like hard rocks in his throat. "What if she got cancer or an untreatable disease that she didn't want us to know? So she just left… She just went away to die?"
Even as he said it, he refused to believe it. His head was spinning. He felt sick to the stomach. His face felt flushed. He could not accept this. He needed to hear Shinichi's reassurance.
"Shinichi?"
The other end was quiet, but Higo knew Shinichi was there. He could hear the quiet breathing. But no words. No other sounds.
"No Shinichi… You can't possibly believe that! I'm just throwing you a scenario, you're supposed to debunk it!" Higo felt angry. Angry at himself for thinking it, angry at Shinichi for not laughing at him and calling him an idiot.
The silence stretched on. Higo felt tears coming. It could not be true. That's why he had called Shinichi, to have the detective quash this stupid idea.
But Shinichi said nothing, did nothing. After a few more seconds, the line went dead. Higo sat there, in the dark, his shoulders shook with each sob.
After that night, there seemed to be a silent agreement between the two men that the search for Shiho had officially ended.
"Shiho…"
Shiho turned around at the familiar voice and found Higo standing there, just a couple feet behind her, one hand holding her son's while the other holding their daughter's. Sweet little Viola. Her short chestnut brown hair blew gently in the wind and her bright green eyes studied the scene in front of her curiously. She had a thumb in her cute small mouth.
"Mommy," she said.
Shiho heard Shinichi gasp and she turned to look at him. His eyes were round and puzzled.
"You did not expect this, did you, Shinichi?" she asked.
He ignored her question. Instead, he moved forward, past her, and walked briskly toward the child whose hand Higo was holding.
"What are you doing here, Shinichi?" Higo asked. His voice was deep and his brows furrowed. He held onto the little boy's hand tighter and pulled him closer to his body.
"Dada," the boy said.
Shinichi stopped in his tracks. He stared at the boy in front of him. He had bright blue eyes like his. His hair was brown and disheveled, sort of like his in a way. There was this curiosity in his eyes that Shinichi had possessed when he was a child. He felt the world crumble around him.
"Is this…" he started.
"He's our son," Higo interrupted. "And this is our daughter. What are you doing here, Shinichi?"
Shinichi turned to look at Shiho. His eyes were glistening. There was so much pain in them that she couldn't bear to look into them anymore. They seemed to be begging her for something. For a chance, perhaps? For her to acknowledge the truth?
"Shiho… Is this…"
She looked away. She felt the tears coming.
"I told you, Shinichi. This is our son," Higo said through gritted teeth. "You should not be here."
"How did you find out where she was?" Shinichi turned to look at Higo.
It was Shiho who answered. "A friend of his happened to visit this town couple years ago and saw me. He then told Higo and well you know, the rest is history."
Shinichi laughed, surprising both Higo and Shiho. The detective then buried his face in his hands, and the laughter quickly turned into sobs and tears.
Shiho felt her heart tighten to the point she could barely breathe.
"All those years," Shinichi was saying, still having his face in his hands, and the tears wouldn't stop. "We spent all those years, so much time, looking for her, using all the means we had, and yet you found her just like that? By coincidence?"
"There's no such thing as coincidence. I believe it is fate," Higo said.
Shinichi looked up and wiped his tears with the back of his sleeve. He then turned to Shiho. "May I?" he asked.
She understood what he's asking. "You have to promise to leave and never come back here," she said. "It's too painful for everyone, Shinichi. We have to end this somehow, and now is as good a time as ever."
She thought he'd argue, throw a tantrum, demanded she be logical. But no, he actually smiled and nodded. "May I?" he repeated, to which she nodded.
Shinichi took the last few strides toward the boy and now he's standing directly in front of him. The little boy drew closer to Higo's body.
"Don't be afraid," Shinichi said gently. He then got down on one knee and carefully reached out a hand. The boy didn't flinch, and Shinichi smiled. He's just as brave as Shinichi had been when he was a kid.
He then gently put his hand on top of the boy's head and ruffled his hair. His hair was like silk to Shinichi's touch.
"You be a good boy and protect your mommy, okay?" Shinichi said, his voice cracked a bit.
Behind him, Shiho was trying hard not to cry. She put her hand over her mouth to prevent any noise coming out.
The boy nodded. Shinichi thought he might be too young to understand now, but if he's just like Shinichi, he'd hold onto this memory for the rest of his life without fully understanding why, and he'd always try to be a good son to Shiho.
He ruffled the boy's head one last time then stood up. Facing Higo, he said, "Take care of her."
"It goes without saying."
Then, turning toward Shiho, he smiled. Such a sad smile, Shiho thought. "Thank you for everything," he said, "and goodbye."
Goodbye, Shinichi…
~fin~
a/n: Sincere apologies for taking super duper long to update this story, but voila! Here is the final chapter! It was a roller coaster ride of a story, wasn't it? I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did writing it. Thanks so much for your support over the years and please leave a review after you're done. Every review is greatly appreciated! Much love and kisses xoxo