Defective Magic of Spooky Doom
Chapter 16- Quidirk and Brooms
Red drummed his fingers on the desk, glancing out the window, mug of hot cocoa in hand. It was a cool, starry night. It would certainly be relaxing if it weren't for the constant sound of munching coming from his colleague.
"Would you mind eating a little quieter?"
"Sorry." Purple flung a piece of donut aimed at Nerok's head. The snake caught it in mid-air. "Sure you don't want one?"
"I'm not hungry."
"Chill out, at least we didn't get fired."
"No, but once again Flik will have a perfect excuse to rake us over the coals. You know it's his favorite sport ever since we became Headmasters."
"He's just jealous that he didn't get the job. I mean, he might be taller, but we both know who's the better wizard."
Red merely shrugged the comment off as he noted the moon was crescent tonight. "Pur, don't forget your-"
"I know, I know." Purple murmured under his breath and looked into a secret compartment inside his desk. He grabbed a round vial with a glowing silver potion. Taking a deep breath, Purple closed his eyes shut and gulped it down, shivering at the awful taste. "Puaj! Why can't I add sugar?"
"You know it would render the potion ineffective."
There was a loud knock on the door. Purple quickly threw the now-empty vial in the trash can and cast Evanesco on it just as Larb Paxak stomped his way in, covering his cheek with a hand.
"What now, Paxak?"
"Headmasters, I demand that you punish Ilk Nar for this!" Larb removed his hand, showing a dark pink bruise on the side of his face.
Red looked back at Larb, lekku raised. "What?"
"Look at my face! This is her doing and I demand that she's punished accordingly!"
"Whoa, whoa, now wait a minute! Why would miss Nar physically assault you like that?" Purple narrowed his eyes. "Didn't you provoke her?"
"No! I did nothing to her, she just came and-!"
"That's enough." Red interrupted sternly. "I shall speak with miss Nar, but right now it's almost eleven PM and I want to go to bed, if you don't mind." He made a dismissing motion with his hand, sending Larb out of the room.
"My, my, who would have thought Ilkie had it in her?" Purple chuckled. He glanced at his co-Headmaster, noticing his troubled expression. "What do you want to do about the issue?"
"It's okay, I can handle it. I want to hear her side of the story before anything. Knowing Larb, he probably did something that provoked her." Red snickered. "Though, if it depended on me, I'd give her extra points for putting Paxak in his place."
-DMoSD-
Ilk had kind of seen this coming ever since she struck Larb in Zim's defense. She was no fool, she knew from the beginning that Larb would go snitching as soon possible. So she wasn't surprised when she saw Headmaster Red's familiar waiting for her just outside her dormitory and it beckoned her to follow it all the way to their office. She arrived just as Headmaster Purple was coming out.
"Ah, Miss Nar, there you are! Reddok's inside waiting to have a word with you. What did you do, by the way? He doesn't look very happy."
"I punched Larb." Ilk admitted sheepishly. To her surprise, Headmaster Purple chuckled.
"Not bad. Chill out, Reddok won't eat you… yet." That said, he strode down the hall, his snake flying after him.
Gulping, Ilk knocked on the door.
"Come in."
Headmaster Red was sitting on his desk, scribbling on parchments, probably some documents that needed his signature. His flying snake was curled up on top of its perch near the window. Headmaster Red glanced at her as the door creaked open.
"Please take a seat."
Ilk took slow, reluctant steps towards the chair. Was he mad? He wasn't acting as kind as the other times, so he probably was. Perhaps he's disappointed in her. And Ilk couldn't blame him. As she sat down in the chair, the Headmaster's attention focused completely on her.
"I heard that you got into a fight yesterday."
"Sir, I can explain-" Headmaster Red raised a hand.
"Do you see a raven in the window?"
"Excuse me?" Ilk asked, confused.
"Larb probably sent his familiar to spy on us: he likes seeing the people he talltales about being disciplined, and I guess you've heard of my… reputation. If I take a look myself, he'll realize I know what he's doing. Take a look at the window and tell me if you see a raven, but try to dissimulate it."
Ilk realized what he meant. Larb wanted to see her being raked over the coals, and what a better way than to send his familiar to spy unto them. She lowered her head, but glanced towards the window. Just as the Headmaster had said, there was a raven perched on the window.
"There's one over there."
Headmaster Red said nothing. He just put his elbows on the table, tangling his fingers together. His familiar flew off its perch and closed the curtains. Ilk realized he had spoken telepathically with his snake; it's not uncommon for experienced witches and wizards to communicate in such a manner with their familiars sometimes to avoid voicing out private stuff. However, to do so, one needed a strong connection with their animals.
Headmaster Red exhaled. "Okay, now that we've got some privacy, you can tell me what happened."
Ilk took a deep breath.
"Larb somehow learned about Zim being an orphan and he just… He went and practically shouted it in the dining hall. He and his group made fun of Zim, laughed at him. And Zim..." Ilk lowered her lekku. "I had never seen him… upset before. He actually ran off in tears." Headmaster Red's expression turned briefly surprised. "I know, it's hard to believe, but I was there. They clearly hit a sore spot.
"I don't like violence, sir. I don't tend to pick fights, but I just couldn't stand by as Larb humiliated Zim and revealed such a personal issue about him. I understand if you send me to detention, but I know my conscience is clear." Ilk paused, trying to read the Headmaster's expression, her right lekku twitching nervously.
"I see…" Headmaster Red rubbed his chin. To Ilk's surprise, he let out a small chuckle. "I admit I am surprised, miss Nar, but if you were defending a classmate, then I have no actual reason to punish you. However, you will write a sixty-inch essay on the ethical considerations and social norms which render the use of violence prohibited in normal circumstances. Additionally, you can help me with some errands this saturday."
Ilk raised her lekku. Of all the punishments he could have given her, he picked a very mild one. Instead of scrubbing kitchen pots, tagging potion ingredients, or cleaning the Irkorse stalls, all she got was writing an essay and helping the Headmaster.
"S-Sir, I d-don't know how to thank you…"
The Headmaster smiled. "Don't worry, miss Nar. As I said, you were just defending a classmate in trouble. While I do not approve of the way you reacted, I understand that you had good intentions. But it'd be nice if you don't repeat this again, alright?"
Ilk nodded eagerly.
"Good. Meet me on the main hall on Saturday at eleven."
"Yes, sir!"
"Oh, and Miss Nar…"
Ilk stopped right at the door, gulping. "Y-Yes, sir?"
Headmaster Red winked, smirking.
"Pretend you're upset for a few hours. It'll placate Larb for now."
Thankfully for Zim, everyone forgot about the matter shortly after. He still got a few glances every now and then and the occasional teasing from Larb, but other than that nobody brought up the topic of his orphan status again. Neither of his friends minded about him not having a family, to Zim's relief (though he wouldn't admit it outloud). Even more surprisingly, it seemed that his physical altercation on Larb gained him the respect of some of his victims, not to mention Stink-beast's, who had been acting a bit friendlier lately.
The one downside was that the Headmasters, true to their word, increased his detention, and he'd serve it with Professor Spork, who made him write lines (lots of lines) on the chalkboard, apart from his chores. Skoodge and Bob mentioned an unverified rumour that the docent body had drawn straws to see who'd have to deal with him and which task he'd have, as the Headmasters seemed to believe Zim would break anything he touched (and they weren't wrong).
Not long after the last exam, Zim witnessed his first Quidirk match. During a visit to The Green Faerie one saturday, he casually saw people gathered around the TV, all of them painted in different colors, cheering or groaning in dismay. He stepped clower to see what they were watching and witnessed humans clad in blue sport robes riding broomsticks, one of them holding a big brown ball. He threw it towards one of three rings, but another human, whose uniform was violet, blocked it at the last moment.
"And Irina Parkin does a perfect block! That was close!" the announcer said.
"What's going on?" Zim inquired curiously.
"It's the Planetary Quidirk finals!" a Plookesian said. "Appleby Arrows vs. Thundelarra Thunderers. The winner will represent Urth in the Intergalactic Quidirk championship!"
Curious, Zim and GIR watched the rest of the match. GIR often joined the cheering or groaning with the crowd even though he had no idea what they were happy about. Zim was more interested in the fact that those people flying in the TV were in a stadium with lots of people cheering. This must be a magical sport of sorts.
"What's this… Quidirk thing?" Zim asked once he got back to the table, where Skoodge, Bob, and Ilk were already enjoying a cup of hot fudge cocoa.
"It's a magical sport in which teams of seven ride broomsticks and score points to win," Ilk explained. "You earn points by scoring goals with the ball, and meanwhile you have to dodge bludgers or beaters. If the latter hits you, you lose ten points."
"That match you just saw was the Planetary Championship. All of Urth's Quidirk teams participate and the winner will represent their planet in the Intergalactic Championship against Quidirk teams from all over the universe." Skoodge explained.
"There's also the Planetary School Tournament, in which all magical schools in their respective planets compete." Bob added.
Zim just needed to know Quidirk involved flying in a broomstick to become interested in it. On monday, he approached Professor Krel during Flight Class to ask if Irkharth had a Quidirk team. He confirmed that it did, and also confirmed what Bob said about the Tournament between schools.
"I want to join!" Zim cried out happily.
Professor Krel flinched. "I'm afraid first years aren't allowed to join the Quidirk team, Mr. Zim. You don't have the broom riding experience required to participate in a Quidirk match."
"Can't you make an exception?"
"Not when it might get you injured or worse. Now get back to your broomstick, Mr. Zim." The negative put Zim in a sour mood for the rest of the class and throughout the day.
Zim stomped his way towards the library during the free period. He had to lower the volume of his footsteps to avoid being kicked out by Miss Bar, though. He walked over to the table where Skoodge, Bob and Ilk were working on their herbology homework: an essay on the magical and non-magical properties of Irken and Vortian plants. Zim should be working on it too, but he was far more interested in venting out his frustrations.
"Can you believe that Professor Krel won't let me join the Quidirk team?" Zim somehow managed to lower his shout into a hiss when Miss Bar shot him a warning glance; she was aware of his tendency to yell.
"Yes," his three companions said in unison.
"Actually, though, Headmaster Purple is the one who manages the Quidirk team. He decides who's in, who is a better fit for what position, and so on." Ilk pointed out.
"Besides, the team's currently complete and there's no need for any new members," Skoodge added.
"Oh, please, what team can be complete without Zim in it? I'm the best flyer!"
"No you are not." GIR piped in.
"Silence!"
"Shhh!" Miss Bar shushed sternly.
"Zim, couldn't you make any more noise?!" Bob growled sarcastically.
"Oh, come on, you're telling me you've never wanted to be part of a popular team?"
"Well, I did want to join the Night Falls fan club, but they don't accept shorters." Skoodge sighed sadly.
"See? He knows what I'm talking about!"
"Zim, first years can't join the Quidirk team." Ilk said, unknowingly repeating Professor Krel's words, but it fell on deaf ears as Zim stomped his way to another table. Ilk raised her lekku when she realized who was sitting there. She instinctively abandoned her seat and darted after him before he did anything stupid. "Zim, wait!"
"Tak!" Zim said, stopping right next to her chair.
Tak temporally lifted her gaze from her Magic Linguistics essay to spare Zim an annoyed glance. "In case you haven't noticed, Zim, this is a library. People are trying to study, me included."
"You are the captain of the Quidirk team, right!?"
"That's correct."
"Let me into the team!"
Tak scoffed. "First years aren't allowed into the Quidirk team."
"Why not?!"
"Quidirk requires balance, sharp reflexes, endurance and experience in broom riding. First years don't have those qualities and might get injured or even killed if not careful."
"How about you, huh?!" Zim insisted. "You became captain during your first year!"
Tak frowned. "You misheard. I didn't expect to enter the Quidirk team at all, much less become its captain. Professor Lavrendek noticed my potential and offered me private broom riding lessons during my first year so I could take up the vacant spot during my second year. Then I had to further prove myself through every practice and match, sometimes getting nasty hits in the process, to prove to the Headmaster that his faith was well-placed."
"But you are captain, aren't you?"
"I am, but-"
"Then let me into the team!"
Tak's patience was wearing thin; her right leku twitched every two seconds while Mimi bristled her fur. The Irkenette didn't dignify Zim with another word. She merely rolled her eyes, picked up her books and left for another part of the library, Mimi hot on her trail. GIR waved his paw happily at them.
Ilk was wise enough to give the black cat a quill to keep him from wailing and getting them kicked out. In fact, she barely managed to cover Zim's mouth before he could shout.
"What the heck, Ilk-smeet?!" Zim snapped once he got free.
"Zim, we're in the library! You'll get us banned!" Ilk hissed. She took a deep breath. "Look, Zim-"
"It's because I'm short, isn't it? Come on, it's not like that determines how good I am!" For once, Ilk agreed with Zim on something.
"It's not only about that. You were just introduced to the magical world a month ago and you're still getting the hand of broom riding…" Ilk spotted GIR making a book castle on the table, inviting Kuna to go inside. "...Sort of. GIR goes nuts when you put him in the broomstick and that nearly caused an accident on the first flight class. You and Tenn wouldn't have been so lucky if that happened during a Quidirk match.
"Besides, it's not Tak's decision to accept new members. Professor Lavrendek is the one who oversees the school's Quidirk team. It's him you'd have to talk to, and judging by how you've gotten into trouble these past months, I don't think you're his favorite person for the team right now."
Zim was about to counter, but he didn't know what to say to that. For some reason the Headmasters had taken it against him. Maybe because he let the Dib-stink make a mess of their office (ignoring the fact that he was the one who did it), but they seemed to hold him in contempt ever since. Professor Lavrendek would never let him join the Quidirk team unless Zim did something big and impressive to prove he was up to the challenge.
"There… there is a way to get the Headmaster's attention."
Zim and Ilk glanced towards the table near the window. A taller student wearing red goggles with a tarantula familiar perched on his shoulder sat there. Ilk recognized him as Gashloog, the fourth year Irken who was good with magical creatures.
"Hey, who do you think you are, butting into Zim's conversation!" Zim pointed a finger at him.
"Zim, shush!"
"If you want to impress Professor Lavrendek, you're in for a rough time. He's picky and frivolous. True, while not as stern and serious as Professor Vermeillo, Lavrendek's the more ruthless and demanding, especially when it comes to Irkharth's Quidirk team."
"You said there is a way to call his attention?" Zim inquired.
"Why don't we make him biscuits?" GIR suggested, holding up a book titled The Irken Guide to Intergalactic Gastronomy. "Tally loves snacks!"
Gashloog led them to the corridor outside the library, where various display cases were lined up against the wall. They were filled to the brim with trophies, awards and some frames depicting photographs and newspaper clippings; the Quidirk Tournament, pumpkin carving contest, Intergalactic Magic Faire, all of them showed Irkharth students winning those events and more.
"Headmaster Lavrendek was a flying ace during his time as a student. In fact, he was the captain of the Quidirk team himself." Gashloog pointed to an old picture depicting the Quidirk team from a few years back, where Purple was holding out a championship trophy up in the air, laughing as the other team members gathered around him and cheered, patting his back. "So basically, the Quidirk team isn't only a sports team, its his 'baby'."
Gashloog led them to a simpler display case whose contents were lined up photo frames showing student trios holding their broomsticks with wide smiles; the Irken or Irkenette in the middle always held a small mauve trophy with a broomstick on top.
"What is this?" Zim inquired curiously.
"Those are the winners of the annual relay race."
"Relay race?" Ilk repeated.
Gashloog nodded. "Irkharth's annual relay race is a tradition from way back. Teams of three race through the school grounds passing a baton to each other, and the first to cross the finish line is the winner. It's held every year in January."
"How is this going to help me impress Headmaster Purple?"
Gashloog pointed to one of the frames depicting two irkens with red and purple eyes at the sides and an Irkenette with azure blue eyes happily holding out a trophy. Ilk recognized her as Miyuki, Professor Vermeillo's late wife.
"Professor Lavrendek oversees the relay race more personally than Professor Vermeillo. It's a chance to make your broom riding abilities stand out. If you catch Lavrendek's eye, he'll consider you to join the Quidirk team in the future."
"Hey, Tak said the Headmaster gave her personal lessons," Zim pointed out.
"Maybe that's why." Ilk pointed to the photo from last year's race, which depicted Tak, Tenn and Min.
"Ah, Tak's performance was legendary! She was the last of her team to carry the baton but the first to cross the line."
Zim rubbed his chin. "So in order to get into the Quidirk team, I have to impress Headmaster Purple?"
"That's right."
"And the best way to impress him is to win this race."
"Yup."
"Let's get to it!"
"There's an issue, Zim." Ilk glanced at GIR. "Your familiar goes nuts every time he's on top of a broomstick. You and Tenn nearly get hurt because of that."
"Besides, you must still convince two people to form a team in order to race."
Zim snickered. "I got that covered. I know the perfect people for the job."
-DMoSD-
"You want to do what?"
"No."
Zim groaned. So far, his brilliant plan to convince his roommates to participate in the race wasn't working. Skoodge didn't like the idea of participating in a competition and pointed out he wasn't very good at flying, while Bob outright refused.
"Oh, come on! It's the perfect chance for Zim to show off his skills to Headmaster Purple!"
"If you want to show him how to fall off the broomstick, be my guest, but I certainly don't want to embarrass myself in front of the entire school, thank you very much." Bob bit into his croissant matter-of-factly.
"Besides, you have to solve GIR's problem with the broomstick before you even think of competing. You saw what nearly happened during the first Flight class. If it happens during a competition, someone might get hurt."
"And from what I've heard, I think you need to have your own broomstick to participate. The school brooms aren't fit for competitions."
"You're making it up!" By then, most people had grown accustomed to Zim's sudden outbursts, so nobody looked at him this time, instead focusing on their meals.
"MASTER!" Before Zim knew what was going on, his uniform and his part of the table were covered in mashed potatoes. Grumbling, he wiped it off his face, finding GIR in the now-empty plate with a piece of paper clenched in his teeth.
"What do you have there, GIR?" He inquired, not really interested.
"I don't know! A yellow fairy man just passed by our place and dropped a box with this paper attached! Can I eat it?"
"A fairy man?" Skoodge inquired. "Did he have a black hat with an envelope trimmed on it?"
"Yup!"
"Looks like someone sent you a package, Zim." Skoodge hadn't finished when Zim darted off the table, knocking his tray aside as he grabbed GIR's tail and ran off.
Chocolate flew up and caught the piece of parchment in its beak, bringing it down to Skoodge to read. Bob leaned in to take a closer look.
Mr. Zim.
A little bird has informed me that you do not yet possess a broomstick of your own. I hope this little detail will prove useful to you.
A friend.
"A friend?"
"Oh, dear. We better make sure that package doesn't carry stink bombs or something."
Once they returned to the dormitory, though, instead of green stinking smoke everywhere, they found Zim on the ground, rolling on top of ripped paper (which GIR was eating) as he hugged a brand new broomstick with a brown tail. He didn't notice his roommates until he got bored and sat up on the ground again, laughing.
"Look at this, Skoodge and Bob! Zim has his own broomstick!"
"Holy Irk, is that…?" Bob rubbed his eyes a few times to make sure he wasn't dreaming when he spotted gold cursive letters in the broom's handle. It couldn't be! "It's a Nimbus 2000!" Zim pulled his broomstick close, offended.
"Foolish Bob, it's a broom!"
"He's talking about the broomstick's brand, Zim." Skoodge explained. "It came out not long ago."
"Who on Irk could have sent him that?" Bob almost shrieked, staring at the broomstick with wide eyes.
"Who cares? It's mine!"
"But what if it's jinxed or something? We don't know who sent it, and Hecate is a no-maj born so there's no way she would have been able to buy one, let alone send it here through mail." Once more, Skoodge's concerns went on deaf lekku as Zim rubbed his cheek against the broomstick's tail. Skoodge sighed. "And he's not listening."
"Should we tell a professor? I mean, it is kind of suspicious, especially since it doesn't say who sent it." Bob looked back at the note in his hand.
Skoodge thought about the issue for a moment. He had a point. There's not many people who know Zim outside the school unless he had a wizard family member no one knew about, but that wouldn't make any sense. He wouldn't have been sent to an orphanage if he had a living parent. But then who could have sent such an expensive broomstick? Zim's caretaker in the orphanage was no-maj born, according to him, so there's no way it could have been her. What if it's a prank? Sounds like something Larb would do.
But then again, he had never seen Zim so happy before. He had often complained about wanting his own broomstick since day one. Sometimes he'd get distracted watching older students tending to their own broomsticks during the grooming sessions in Flight class. Skoodge smiled a bit.
"...You know, maybe we should let him enjoy it for the time being."
The good thing about Dad being too busy is that he doesn't pay much attention to what Dib does after school; he doesn't even question him about what he'd do. Dib only needs to tell him that he's going to the library and Dad will happily let him go, commenting that 'it's about time he forgot about magic and non-scientific nonsense.
It's a good thing because Dib had no time for another pointless argument. Once in the library, he passed his ID card, picked a few books on magic and went to his usual spot. He wondered for a brief moment if this place had a hidden magical area somewhere like the Green Faerie.
His phone rung not long after. Dib grabbed it from his coat's pocket and quickly lowered the volume before taking the call; he'd already had a few call-outs from the librarian for the noise. A shadowy silhouette with red eyes appeared on the screen.
"Agent Mothman, we've been discussing the pictures you sent us," the silhouette said with a feminine voice. "Most of them were discarded as evidence."
Dib's jaw hung open. "Are you kidding me? I was there and I came face to face with Irken wizards!"
"It's hard to believe that those aliens would actually take part in suck a 'primitive concept', as one put it during a fantasycon."
Dib's forehead hit the table's surface. "Listen, like I told you before, it's a freaking school for Irken witches and wizards! I used a sort of magical fireplace called Floo network!" He opened one of the books he was researching and put his phone over the page depicting a castle. "Look, according to this source, magic people often gathered together in seemingly abandoned places to pass on their magical knowledge to the next generations!"
"Agent Mothman, while your pictures of the wizards weren't taken as viable proof, we found the pictures of the setting quite interesting. In fact, the color scheme and architecture do suggest it's of Irken design. Not only that, but we have reasons to believe that this location might be near your dwelling place..."
Looks like Dib's back in the game. I wonder what he's planning to do now.
Of course, what kind of magical world would it be without Quidditch, or in this case, Quidirk? It's mostly the same rules, but Irkens tend to get a hold of foreign traditions and sports and give them their own twist.
Just so you guys know, from this point on the Irkharth faculty will be referred to by their surnames similar to how it's done in the Harry Potter series. E.G. Red and Purple's surnames are Vermeillo and Lavrendek respectively, so the students will call them Professor/Headmaster Vermeillo and Professor/Headmaster Lavrendek. The only one who'll call them Red and Purple is Zim himself for obvious reasons.
Aaand Zim's got a broomstick. Irk save the Tallest.