Dead Man Walking

by MrRedSnake

Kenny was used to being killed off in a number of humorous and horrifying ways only for him to wake up the next morning with no one but himself remembering it. Sure, it sounds weird but it was normal for him, like an overplayed bit, he expected it. What he didn't expect was someone else remembering one of his deaths, and he DEFINITELY didn't expect what it could lead to.

16. Finale

"These violent delights have violent ends and in their triumph die, like fire and powder which, as they kiss, consume."
-That dude you were supposed to read the works of back in high school but didn't

Chapter 15
Closing time

Kenny leaned against the back wall of Estella's house with a cigarette in his hand, staring at his photo of Wendy with a longing gaze. He took a drag off his smoke and sighed, "Hang in there Angel, I'll be home soon."

He was so caught up in the thought of his beloved that he barely even heard the door open, "Loan me a cigarette?" he heard Damien request. Kenny did as he was asked and the Antichrist took the smoke in one swift motion, magically lighting it with the snap of his fingers and taking a long drag, "I don't know how much longer I can be here, Kenny. That girl is mean, heartless, rude!" Damien sighed and rubbed his eyes, "How do you know when you're in love?" he questioned.

Kenny shrugged, "Find out how hard her ex can throw a brick then decide whether she's worth the trouble? That was kinda how I figured it out for sure." he explained, "Why, you finally hit puberty or something?" he questioned, dragging his cigarette before coughing out the smoke in realization, "Dude no! Pip's girlfriend?!"

Damien gripped his hair in consideration, "She's the cruelest most sadistic woman I've ever met and I must have her." he explained.

"Dude, you can't just steal your best friend's girlfriend! That's so fucked!" Kenny explained.

"Ah, you're absolutely right, what was I thinking? Instead what I should do is break them up and then immediately make my move." the Antichrist plotted, "That is the basis for the perfect relationship, right Kenny?"

"You're lucky I need you to get back home or else I'd break your fuckin' jaw for that crack." the boy warned, "Listen dude, Pip might be a total pussy who's real easy to fuck over, but he's still my friend, if you hurt him, I'll hurt you, and that's a promise. But we can sort that out in your crack-ship fanfic, right now I've gotta deal with figuring out how to kill my kaiju octopus dad and save the universe from total annihilation." he reminded, "How's your energy level doing?"

"I can get you back to South Park but I'll be completely exhausted once we're there." Damien explained, "I hope you didn't expect me to do your job for you like you did mine." he added with a grin.

Kenny chuckled, "How the hell are you so calm about this, you're gonna be screwed too ya know."

"I take solace in the fact that if I go down the whole universe is coming with me." he expressed, "Imagine it, humans, aliens, demons, angels, every soul in the universe, all that history, all those petty issues that seemed so important, destroyed with the press of a button, as though it never existed in the first place… There's something of a serene quality to the concept of spending an eternity engulfed in complete nothingness, don't you think?"

The teen shrugged, "Whatever you say dude. Personally, I'd prefer an eternity in Hell with my girlfriend, making sweet love by the fire."

Damien considered the thought, "We do have plenty of fire down there." he mused before dragging his cigarette.

It was at this moment the back door opened once more, Pip and Estella exiting the house to find the two, "There you two are!" Pip exclaimed, "I was almost worried you'd left without me."

"Excuse me?" Damien questioned.

"Pip, you're not-" Kenny began.

"Don't try to talk me out of it, I've made my decision. I may have died once trying to be a hero but I've finally realized the error of my ways, truly we were always meant to work in tandem from the very start! Just think of it, Kenneth McCormick, Damien Thorn, and Philip Pirrip, an unstoppable trio to which no force in this world can compete with! Oh we'll show that nasty old Cthulhu what for, he'll truly rue the day he ever decided to mess with our world!" the Brit proclaimed.

Kenny and Damien looked at each other, "Will you excuse us for a moment?" Damien requested.

"Of course!" Pip agreed.

Kenny and Damien turned away to speak in private, "So is this a 'fuck no' from you too?" Kenny asked.

"Depends, what was his first death like?" Damien questioned.

"Anti-climactic and pointless." Kenny expressed.

"Not even slightly entertaining?"

"Maybe kinda funny for a second."

"Hmm…"

Pip and Estella were having their own conversation while the two immortals considered their options, "I know we were only just reunited my love, but I simply must go save the world."

"Pip-" Estella began to interrupt.

"Shh, I'll be back soon, for good this time. We'll finally get our happily ever after, I assure you. I love you Estella, I always have, and I always will." the boy proclaimed, passionately kissing his girlfriend for what may just be the last time, the two separated and Pip took a deep breath, "Alright gentlemen, shall we take our-" he began to question before turning around to find that Kenny and Damien were gone, "Leave?".

"They burst into flames and disappeared about two minutes ago." Estella noted.

"Oh." Pip stated, "I probably should have seen that coming, if I'm being quite honest."

"It's for the best, I was hoping to bum a fag before you left anyway." the girl expressed.

"Estella, you know I don't smoke." Pip reminded.

"That's not what I meant." she clarified with a dirty grin before dragging Pip into the house.

"Wait… What?" Pip questioned as he was led up to Estella's bedroom.

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Kevin was relieved to finally pull into his parents' driveway, mainly due to how sick of all the "Cthulhu Uprising" related ads that were playing on the radio. It truly was just as incredible as it was disgusting how many companies were so quick to cash in on the global catastrophe and turn it into a marketing strategy. It was unfortunate the eldest McCormick child got home when he did though, having put his van in park just in time to hear one last soft-spoken bitch saying "We're all in this together." and put his foot right through the fucking stereo so it would never make another sound until the point he could "acquire" a new one.

The young man entered the house to find an empty living room, "Mom? Dad?" he called out, only to be greeted by the faint sound of music from Kenny's room as he made his way to the kitchen to find a note on the table, "Deer Kenny n Wendy, we went out drinkin sinse were all gunna die soon, yours and Karens diners in the frij frige friger the big fuckin box that keeps shit cold, I think the micrawave works but I wouldnt stand too close to it when its on if I was u. Love mom n dad." he read off, chuckling at the note before putting it back down. Kevin opened the refrigerator to see if there was anything he could take for himself, looking past the three plates of leftover spaghetti to find half an onion, "Fuckin' score!" he celebrated, grabbing the vegetable and taking a bite.

Kevin shut the fridge and noticed a piece of paper on it that he recognized as Kenny's report card, he examined it closely and was surprised to find that, in addition to being all Bs and Cs, they were all genuine, unaltered by the cheating techniques he had taught his younger brother years before, "Well holy shit." he noted.

Finally, Kevin decided to make his way further into the house to his brother's room, "Ken, put your jeans on, I'm comin' in." he announced, opening the bedroom door to find Kenny was nowhere to be found, but rather his girlfriend sitting on the bed sifting through a stack of paper and an excited Golden Retriever who rushed up to meet him, "Hey buddy!" he happily greeted as he pet the dog, "You must be Whiskey!" he presumed before looking up to greet the girl, "Wendy, right?" he asked, she nodded in return, "My little bro home?" he questioned.

Wendy shook her head, "He's… Out right now."

Kevin rolled his eyes, "Figures." he stated, taking a bite out of his onion and sitting at Kenny's desk, "So, glad to see you've made yourself at home here."

Wendy shrugged as she continued reading, "My parents were getting worried about all the occult books I was coming home with, at least your parents don't ask questions. Plus… I'm more comfortable here these days."

"I hear that. This may be a nuthouse, but it's a nut home." the older boy noted.

It was in this moment Karen entered the room, "Kevin? Hey! What are you doing here?" she excitedly asked.

"Don't worry 'bout that, what's this shit mom's been tellin' me about you stealin' Kenny's underwear?!" her older brother questioned in an authoritative tone.

"Uhh… Later!" the younger girl stated before running back to her room and locking the door.

Kevin turned back to address Wendy, "Do you know what that's about?"

"It's a long story but I think it ended with me caught in the middle of an incest harem anime." Wendy explained with a shrug.

"That's… Unsettling."

"Is it? After the week I've had, that honestly feels like one of the most normal things in my life right now." the girl noted in a dull tone, rubbing her eyes in frustration.

"I guess I'll worry 'bout that later" Kevin noted to himself, "Hey, since I've got ya here, I wanted to say thanks." he stated to her confusion.

"For what?" Wendy questioned.

The older boy laughed, "You know for what, for how much you've helped Kenny over the past few months. Since you two hooked up mom's been tellin' me all about how his grades have gone up and how he's got an actual respectable job now." he explained, "Ya know, I was worried 'bout him for a while there, ever since he started doin' those weird stunts and gettin' high on cat piss and all that shit, I was worried he might turn out like… me." Kevin admitted, "But for the first time I think I can say without a doubt in my mind, he's gonna be alright. So thanks for that." he explained with a warm smile.

Wendy smiled in return, "I didn't do anything special, Kenny was always intelligent and responsible, all he needed was a little motivation."

Kevin laughed, "A smokin' hot girly can motivate a McCormick man to do just about whatever the hell she wants, I'm just glad you're pointin' him in the right direction."

"I do my best. He'll always be that pervy kid who starts fires and huffs paint though, I can't do anything about that." the girl admitted.

The older boy nodded, "Good. I'd hate to see him turn into a huge fuckin' pussy." he expressed as he lit up a cigarette and took a drag before continuing, "Speakin' of, how'd he die this time 'round?"

She sighed, "Auto-erotic asphyxiation, he wanted to get to Hell so he could find me after-" the girl stopped mid-sentence, realizing the conversation she was having and who she was having it with. Wendy looked up with wide eyes full of confusion, "You know?!"

Kevin scoffed, "Course I know, I've known that dirty little bastard his whole life and most of mine, we've got an understanding, I can tell just by lookin' in his eyes he's seen some shit whether I remember it or not, and I guess you can too if we're havin' this conversation right now."

"That's… Another long story." Wendy expressed.

"There's been a lotta long stories goin' on since I was last home, huh? Lemme guess, my little bro had somethin' to do with the apocalypse, right?"

"Not as much as someone else." Wendy stated, "Karen! You wanna come in here and explain how you helped destroy the world?" she shouted.

The two heard the younger girl's door open before she reentered Kenny's room, "Hey, I said I was sorry!" Karen expressed.

Kevin looked at his little sister in disbelief, "I'm startin' to think I've been worried 'bout the wrong sibling all these years." he noted.

The conversation came to a sudden halt when everyone jumped back three feet from the fire that suddenly combusted in the center of the room, each one of them having a sudden moment of panic before the blaze quickly dispersed to reveal two teenagers in its place, "I heard ya missed me, I'm back!" Kenny announced, hoping he wasn't just teleported into an empty room where no one would hear his totally epic one-liner.

"Kenny!" Wendy and Karen shouted in unison, both of them rushing up to hug the boy to which he gladly returned the favor.

"And Damien too! Oh, great to see you, glad you're doing well, thanks for breaking the rules of life and death to return our sweet wonderful hero to us!" Damien complained as breathlessly as he did sarcastically while dragging his exhausted body to rest on Kenny's bed "Oh please no, don't everyone offer me a drink at once!"

"Quit being such a fuckin' drama-queen, you sound just like your dad." Kenny noted only to be answered with a flip of the Antichrist's middle finger. The boy laughed before turning to look at his girlfriend's face, a face he feared he'd never see again, a sight more beautiful than the first leaves of spring after a cold lifeless winter, he smiled as all the life and color seemingly returned to his world at once "You really know how to scare a guy to death, ya know that?" he noted, feeling a tear roll down his face as he spoke.

Wendy leaned in to kiss the boy as she'd been yearning to do for days, pulling back after a few seconds "I can't believe you'd be stupid enough to try and follow me to Hell." she said with a smile of her own.

"Really? Kinda feels exactly like something I'd be stupid enough to do." the boy expressed as they stared deeply into each other's eyes, their gaze only broken by Kenny having his head pulled to face the girl on his other arm who immediately smacked the absolute shit out of him, "OW, WHAT THE FUCK?!" he shouted in pain.

"YOU FUCKIN' ASSHOLE, YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME!" Karen scolded.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT YOU LITTLE PSYCHO?!"

"I WATCHED YOU KILL YOURSELF RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME AND BLOW A LOAD IN MY FACE, SHITHEAD!" she reminded, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

"I WAS TRYING TO- Wait… I did what?" the boy questioned before Karen kissed his cheek.

"I'm so happy you're okay. Please don't ever do something that stupid again." she expressed before burying her face in his shoulder.

"Oh good, and here I was worried I wouldn't get to hear one of mom and dad's arguments today." Kevin sarcastically stated before approaching his brother, "Good to see Hell still can't hold ya down little bro." he said with a grin.

Kenny smirked in return, "I think I've got a little too much holding me here on Earth." he stated, glancing between his girlfriend and sister with a smile.

The group could hear the sound of shuffling papers from Kenny's bed, "Holy shit, what the hell is this?" they heard Damien question in disbelief before turning to see him going through the SCP documents, "Look at all this information on the Old Gods! Where did you get this from?!" the Antichrist demanded.

"I stole it at gunpoint from two creeps working for some secret organization." Wendy answered.

Kenny's eyes widened as he turned to look at his girlfriend, "That has gotta be the hottest thing I've ever heard you say." he expressed to her.

"I think I'm starting to see why you think so highly of this mortal. She may have just helped you save the universe." Damien noted.

Wendy sighed, "Don't get your hopes up, I've been combing that file nonstop since this morning, all it boils down to is that he's an unstoppable immortal entity." she expressed.

Damien scoffed, "Why do all you humans confuse 'immortal' with 'invincible'?" he questioned, "Your boyfriend's immortal, but I can gun him down where he stands and he'll drop dead just like any full human. I'm immortal and I'll bleed out if I get my throat slit just like anyone else in this room, you'll just never get a knife close enough to me to see it happen." he cockily explained, "All immortal means is that we can get back up after we're knocked down, but we do go down like any other living thing if you hit us hard enough. The real trick is keeping us there when we do."

"So, how do we keep Cthulhu from getting back up after we take him down?" Kenny asked.

The Antichrist laughed, "How about you just worry about taking him down in the first place before we try figuring out that one, huh? Just because he's not invincible doesn't mean he's a pussy. Maybe if you'd trained your powers a bit more before this all started you'd be in a better position than you are."

"Hey, I trained my powers just fine!" Kenny argued.

"Oh really? How's your telekinesis doing?" he questioned.

"I can… Flip girls' skirts up pretty well with it." he stated.

Wendy's eyes widened in realization, "I KNEW YOU HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH THAT!" she proclaimed, having finally learned the truth behind the mysterious series of incidents in middle school that led to skirts being banned in the school dress code.

"What a shame you're going up against a naked fish monster and not a… Modest… Person who wears skirts." Damien countered, "Fuck off, I'm too tired to come up with an amusing quip."

Kenny shrugged as he walked to his closet, "Whatever, I guess I'll just have to fight him like a man." he stated, grabbing his Mysterion suit.

"And be squashed like a bug." the Antichrist noted.

"How's 'bout you shut your negative ass up, kid." Kevin stated, "Fuck 'em up little bro, I believe in ya!"

"Thanks." the boy replied with a grin.

"ARE YOU BOTH FUCKING INSANE?!" Karen asked in horror, "You can't go out there and fight Cthulhu one on one!" she stated.

"I'm not." Kenny assured, pulling out Wendy's costume as well, offering it to her with a smile, "Right?"

Wendy looked at the costume, then at her boyfriend, and she smiled back, "We've come this far together haven't we?" she said, taking her suit.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU?!" Karen demanded, "Wendy, you're supposed to be the smart one, how are you not seeing that this is total suicide?!"

"I'd prefer to die knowing I tried something than do nothing and just wait for the end of the world." Wendy stated, "Besides, I think my daredevil boyfriend is really starting to rub off on me."

"Oh fuck yeah!" Kenny exclaimed, "Krazy Kenny and Wild Wendy! Coming soon to disturb the peace for money in a public place near you!" the boy envisioned, "Now we've definitely gotta save the world, let's go!" he proclaimed before grabbing Wendy by the hand and running out of the room.

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"WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING?!" Karen demanded as she followed the two costume clad teenagers out of the house.

"To the Mysterion Machine!" Kenny answered in his gravelly voice before looking around to find his dad's truck, "Where the fuck is the Mysterion Machine?"

"In a parking lot in Massachusetts." Wendy reminded.

"Oh shit, that's right." the boy stated in his normal voice, "That's gonna be a problem."

"Hey, Mr. Eon!" Kevin shouted from the front door with Kenny's boombox and box of cassettes in hand, "You're gonna want these for the road." he said, handing them over, "My stereo's havin' some… Technical problems as of late." he added with a grin as he handed over the keys to his van, "And that better be all it comes back with or else I'm gonna make you wish the world came to an end!"

"WHY ARE YOU ENCOURAGING THEM?! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A FUCKING ADULT!" Karen scolded her older brother.

"See ya when we're done saving the world!" Kenny shouted as he and Wendy got into the vehicle and drove off.

Karen looked between the vehicle and her older brother, "You realize you just sent them on a suicide mission, right?!"

Kevin shrugged, "They'll probably be alright. Ken's tough."

"NOT TOUGH ENOUGH TO FIGHT A FUCKING GOD!" Karen shouted before running off.

"Hey, where ya goin'?!"

"To find someone who can talk some goddamn sense into them!" the girl answered as she ran toward the railroad tracks and out of the poor neighborhood.

Kevin stood alone in his front yard, his story ending with one line and one line only, "Well, I'm gonna go get drunk." he proclaimed to himself before starting his walk to Skeeter's Bar.

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Kenny pulled his brother's van into the back of Jimbo's Gun Shop, parking it right by the door to which he was getting out his key as he hopped out of the vehicle. "Still think this was a 'stupid' and 'dangerous' job for me get?"

"Your official title is literally 'grenade polisher'. Yes, I think it's an incredibly stupid job especially for you of all people and the fact that it has the added benefit of you getting access to a fully stocked weapons and munitions arsenal isn't going to change my mind about that." Wendy expressed.

"Oh, so we'd just be better off trying to beat Cthulhu to death with a selfie stick, is that right, Call Girl?" the boy sarcastically questioned.

"Just shut up and open the door, Mystery-Man." she said with an eye roll.

"Holy shit, how the hell did I not think of Mystery-Man before Mysterion?" Kenny questioned as he unlocked the door, opening it and letting himself inside. "Alright, we're gonna need AKs, grenades, that bazooka over there, maybe some proximity mines… Do you need a hunting license to legally kill an ancient god?" he questioned as he began rummaging through the storeroom.

"You'll need a lot more than that to scratch one." Cthulhu stated, making Wendy cringe as the disgusting voice echoed throughout her mind.

"I don't remember asking you a goddamn thing Cthulhu, so just shut the fuck up and get ready to die." the girl heard Kenny's voice say from within her head as clear as if he spoke it right into her ear.

"Wait… Was that you?" Wendy questioned.

"Huh?" Kenny asked, looking up from the box marked 'miscellaneous boom-booms' that he was digging through, "Was what me?"

"I heard you telling Cthulhu to shut up in my head." she clarified.

The boy's eyes widened, "You hear him too?" he questioned, Wendy nodded, "Oh thank fuck, that asshole's been saying stupid weird cryptic shit in my head since the nightmares first started, I just thought I was going skitzo." he expressed as he returned to stuffing various weapons into a duffel bag.

Wendy looked down at her own bag of weapons and ammo, "How did we get here?" she questioned, "How did something as stupid and insignificant as me hitting a volleyball too hard lead to us having to save the world?"

Kenny turned around to address the girl, "Hey, you know this isn't your fight, right?" he asked in his regular voice, lowering his hood, "This is my mess, you don't have to help me clean it up. If you wanna go home and hang out with your family, ya know… Just in case…"

The girl looked up at her boyfriend, "This really might be the end, huh?" she asked.

"If we can't stop Cthulhu then I can almost guarantee Satan and Jesus are gonna destroy the universe and start over… So yeah, this could be like… The total end." he explained.

Wendy considered the implications of her boyfriends words, she took a deep breath, and she hugged him, "If this is really it then there's no one in this world I'd rather be with than you." the girl expressed.

Kenny hugged her back, "Well it's not gonna come to that, because we're gonna kill this fucker, and then we're gonna figure out how to make him stay dead."

"No you're not, what chance do you, a pair of mere children have against-"

"Ignore him, focus on me, don't let him get in your head, that's where he's most powerful." Kenny explained, cutting off Cthulhu's voice before he even had the opportunity to boast. "Come on, let's go finish this." Kenny stated, putting his hood up before gathering the last of the weapons they needed and heading out to the van.

"Oh thank fuck, they didn't leave yet!" the two heard Karen say as they walked out into the parking lot.

"Karen? How did you-" Kenny began to ask before being cut off.

"She kinda demanded we give her a ride." they heard a familiar voice explain. Kenny and Wendy looked over to see Stan, Kyle, and Cartman getting out of Kyle's sedan, all dressed in their Toolshed, Human Kite, and Coon outfits respectively, albeit rushed out new versions of them that they'd clearly thrown together with whatever materials they could grab in a rush.

"What the fuck are you guys doing here?" Kenny asked.

"Well hello to you too, asshole!" Cartman sarcastically replied.

"Karen told us you were gonna try and fight Cthulhu." Stan explained.

"We couldn't just let you do that alone dude, we've always been a team. Freedom Pals forever, remember?" Kyle stated.

"Besides, if we save the world then we'll finally be able to start a line of Coon and Friends merch and make a shitload of cash… I get 70% of the profits, the rest of you get ten each." Cartman explained.

"That's 110%." Wendy noted.

"I mean yeah, if you assumed you were getting a cut which you're totally fucking not." the fat bastard noted.

"Look, we can worry about the fact that we'd split the profits 20% each and would never unironically use the name 'Coon and Friends' whether you like it or not later." Kenny stated, "Right now… Does this mean what I hope it does?"

Stan grinned and nodded, "I've done a lot of thinking and remembered that one thing Chef said about never letting a girl get between you and your friends."

"Pretty sure it was Mr. Garrison who said that and it was worded a little dirtier." Kenny noted.

"Dude, I'm trying to say I forgive you, please don't make me change my mind." Stan expressed with a laugh.

"Kickass." Kenny stated with a warm smile.

"Alright, are you guys done being fags yet?" Cartman asked, "Last I checked, Cthulhu's right at the coast of California and he ain't slowing down so you two can start making out."

"He's right, it's great we're all friends again but we've still got a world to save, remember?" Kyle reminded.

"I mean, shouldn't we at least try to get everyone else together first?" Kenny asked.

"Who? Tweek, Craig, and Butters are all dead and Token and Clyde haven't talked to us in years." Cartman reminded.

"What about Douchebag? At least he actually has superpowers!" Kenny reminded.

"We called him on the way over and he told us he's not getting himself killed over another dumbass suicide mission that we're in no way qualified to go on and we're all fucking retarded for even considering it." Kyle explained.

"Douchebag said that?" Wendy asked in a somewhat hurt tone.

"He also told us to go fuck ourselves." Stan noted.

"What a dick." Kenny stated.

"HE'S NOT WRONG THOUGH!" Karen proclaimed.

"So it's just the five of us then?" the boy questioned, ignoring his sister.

"Looks like it." Kyle affirmed.

Kenny grinned, "Not gonna lie, I always thought that was when we were at our best." he expressed before glancing at Karen, "Alright, you guys wait in the van, I'll be right there."

"Who the fuck put you in charge?!" Cartman questioned.

"He said get in the goddamn van!" Wendy reiterated.

"YES SIR!" Cartman agreed in a panic as he ran to the vehicle followed by the rest of the guys and Wendy.

Kenny approached Karen and lowered his hood, "Keep an eye on Whiskey while I'm gone and help yourself to my weed, I know you know where I keep it."

"Kenny you can't-"

"I can't sit on my ass and watch the world get destroyed without at least trying to fix it. Especially when it was partially my fault." he interrupted, "I love you dude, always will."

Karen began to tear up, "Stop talking like you're not coming back. You can't just leave me on my own!"

"Karen, I'd never leave you alone. I'll always come back, no matter what. I promise." he said with a grin, "Like I never left in the first place, you won't even remember I was gone."

The girl hugged her brother, crying in his shoulder, "I love you Kenny." she stated.

"Yeah, I've kinda noticed." he said with a light chuckle.

Karen shook her head, "You know what I mean, asshole." she said before separating with a sigh, "Go on, you've got a world to save, right? Get out of here before I change my mind." she said.

Kenny backed off as he put his hood up, "So, is this the part where I say some iconic one-liner or-"

"Just go already, goddammit!" the girl ordered as Kenny finally got into the driver's seat of the van and pulled out into the street. Karen sighed with worry as she watched the van disappear around the corner, "Those guys are more of a threat to the world than Cthulhu could ever dream to be."

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"Alright, so far a third of Heaven's forces plus half of Hell's have defected and pledged allegiance to Cthulhu." Jesus noted, doing the math on a large whiteboard.

"And counting." Satan added, "That's not even taking into consideration everyone who might be acting loyal just to spy on us."

"Well, maybe your followers, but mine are-" Jesus began.

"I've literally had spies in your army for centuries, having a halo doesn't automatically make someone a saint." Satan interrupted, "Now, what about the humans?"

"The American Democratic Party has already nominated Cthulhu as their next presidential candidate saying and I quote, 'At least the enslavement and/or complete destruction of mankind is better than four more years of President Garrison.'" Jesus explained, "He's doing well in the polls too."

"Are you trying to do satire right now?" the Prince of Darkness questioned.

"S-Sort of."

"Well knock it off, we're all about to die, this is serious."

Jesus rolled his eyes, "Well fine, sorry for trying to lighten the mood a little." he said, "Seriously though, a lot of people have come out as Cthulhu worshipers since he's awoken and many more are converting by the hour."

Satan thought about it for a moment, "Alright, this looks pretty bad, not gonna lie."

Jesus sighed, "I don't want to do it, but…" the two looked over at the big red button labeled 'hard reset' and shuddered.

"Okay, I've got an idea!" Satan proclaimed, grabbing the dry-erase marker from Jesus' hand and flipping the whiteboard over to its blank side, making a large cross with the words 'pros' and 'cons' on either side, "Let's go over all the pros and cons of restarting the universe. I'll start." the Prince of Darkness thought for a moment before coming up with a con and writing it down, "We all stop existing."

Jesus sighed, "At least you didn't suggest a coin toss." he noted, "Pro: We won't have to exist in a universe ruled by Cthulhu."

"That's good!" Satan approved, jotting it down, "Con… Okay here's one, we'll both look like pussies who couldn't deal with the problem head-on."

"Pro: We'll have more time to prepare for this and face it head-on in the next universe." Jesus countered.

"Con: It's extremely unlikely that we'll retain any memories whatsoever in the next universe and we'll just end up wasting all our time again anyway."

"Pro: We won't be fighting a battle we have no hope of winning."

"CON: THERE'S STILL ONE HOPE, IF YOU'D JUST HEAR IT OUT ALREADY!" Satan boomed before materializing a crystal sphere in his hand, in it the two could see a van driving down the highway with what they recognized as Kenny in his Mysterion costume behind the wheel.

"How did he-" Jesus began to question.

"What? Get out of Hell? Defy the odds? Do the impossible?" Satan questioned, "In case you've forgotten, he's been doing all three for almost his whole life, he's kinda got a knack for it."

"And you really think he can beat Cthulhu, fight through his followers, and save the world?" the messiah questioned.

"Oh fuck no, not in the slightest." Satan assured, "I just think after all he's been through and all he's done, he's earned the chance to prove me wrong."

Jesus sighed once more, "Alright, we'll give him a chance. Who knows, perhaps with his undying bravery and strategic mind Kenny McCormick will turn out to be the savior the universe needs."

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Kenny sat behind the wheel with his foot on the gas and his face in his box of cassette tapes as Wendy steered the van for him, "Are you sure you wouldn't be more comfortable pulling over and switching places?" the girl almost pleaded with him.

"Nah, we're making good time!" the boy declined.

"Then can you at least let one of us pick the music so you can focus on not getting us fucking killed?!" Stan questioned from the back.

"No way, I've got the perfect soundtrack for- Found it!" he proclaimed, pulling out a cassette marked 'Oingo Boingo' and sticking it in the boombox he'd jammed between the front seats, hitting play and returning his attention to actually driving the vehicle as Dead Man's Party played from the speakers, "Thanks Angel."

Wendy gave a sigh of relief as she took her hands off the wheel and settled back into the passenger seat, "You find anything useful in that file, Kyle?" she questioned.

"Here's something that could help, it says that Cthulhu has a vulnerable tender area just between his thighs." Kyle stated.

"Are you seriously telling me his weakness is literally just getting kicked in the balls until he falls down?" Cartman asked.

"That's not what I'm saying, especially since I'm like 90% sure he doesn't even have balls." Kyle noted, "What I am saying is that if we're going to aim for anything in particular then it should probably be the area where his balls would be."

"So we're playing Roshambo with Cthulhu over the future of the Earth?" Kenny asked.

"Basically."

"Man, this day just keeps getting better." he said with a wide grin.

"Hey, can we stop at this gas station up ahead?" Wendy requested.

"But we're making great-"

"I don't care if we're making great time, whatever the hell you even think that means. I have to pee and I'm not holding it for another twenty miles." the girl expressed.

Kenny looked at the fuel gauge, "Alright, we're almost on E anyway." he noted before pulling into the gas station and parking in front of the tank.

"If we're stopping then I'm gonna go grab some Cheesy Poofs or something." Cartman noted as he opened the door to the van and got out right after Wendy and Kenny.

"You just ate before we left." Kyle noted, following Cartman into the store.

"Did I ask for your opinion on my dietary habits, you fuckin' kike?!" the fat douche questioned.

"Hey, fuck you you miserable son of a whore! At least I won't have to worry about getting heart disease at the age of twenty-five!" Kyle shot back.

"Yeah? Well at least I won't have to worry about the gas chambers when the world finally comes to its senses!" Cartman shot back, earning a few horrified looks as the two entered the store.

Kenny watched the altercation before turning to Wendy, "Didn't you have to pee?" he questioned.

"In a sec, I'm trying to look like I'm not with them." the girl stated, waiting a moment before finally going in.

The boy watched her with a smile as she walked inside, "You really love her, don't you?" he heard Stan question.

Kenny turned to look at the other boy as he unscrewed the gas tank and stuck the pump in, "What, Wendy? Nah, we're just really good friends." he sarcastically answered, rolling his eyes.

Stan laughed, "Holy shit, Kenny McCormick's really in love, I never thought I'd see the day." he stated.

"Yeah, maybe a little." he affirmed with a grin, "So what? Weirder shit's happened in South Park."

"You know for the longest time I was sure you were just trying to get a rebound fuck out of her." the boy noted, "But you really do care about her… Did you seriously like her ever since preschool?" he questioned.

Kenny looked over, "How the fuck'd you know about that?" he questioned.

"She sort of mentioned it right before our fight." Stan noted, "Why didn't you ever say anything dude?"

"I mean… You liked her." Kenny reminded.

Stan thought about it for a moment before laughing, "You fucking dumbass. Are you serious?" he asked, "Dude, I barely even noticed her until she dropped that Valentines card on our table, and looking back I'm pretty sure it wasn't even addressed to me." he admitted before letting out a sigh, "I've been thinking a lot lately, and I kinda realized… Wendy was just a childhood crush that went on way too long, we don't really have anything in common, we never hung out much outside of school, we were pretty much just friends that kissed sometimes." he explained.

"So… You're over her?" the other boy questioned.

Stan nodded, "Totally." he assured, "Besides… I've been kinda into redheads lately." he said with a grin.

Kenny's eyes widened and he started to laugh, "Oh shit, seriously?! You're finally making a move on Kyle?! That's fuckin' great dude!" he proclaimed.

Stan's eyes widened in return, "Wait, huh? No NO! It's Red, I'm saying I just asked out Red today!" he explained, "I'm not gay, dude!"

"Aww, but you and him would be so cute together." Kenny said with a smirk.

"Fuck off." Stan said with a laugh.

Suddenly, the two's moment was cut short when Cartman and Kyle burst out of the convenience store in a panicked frenzy, "Uh, guys? We've got a problem!" Cartman shouted as several people tried to smash through the door from the inside.

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"Hey, fuck you you miserable son of a whore! At least I won't have to worry about getting heart disease at the age of twenty-five!" Kyle shot back.

"Yeah? Well at least I won't have to worry about the gas chambers when the world comes to its senses!" Cartman shot back, earning a few horrified looks as the two entered the store.

"You have got to be the most disgusting worthless piece of fat ugly shit on the planet, you know that?" Kyle stated.

"Yeah sure, wait until your mom dies and then maybe you'll be right about that one." the fat bastard countered as he started pulling various bags of junkfood off the shelves.

"You piece of-" Kyle began to seethe before hearing the door open behind him, "Wendy, you're never gonna believe what-"

"I'm not with you guys, please don't talk to me." the girl calmly stated, covering her face as she walked to the bathroom.

Kyle watched with a dumbfounded look as she walked away, "What the hell did I do?" he questioned.

"You really wanna know? I keep a list." Cartman noted as he carried his junkfood to the counter by the armful.

Kyle grabbed a few things for himself before following the other teen, "I swear Cartman, this is the last time I hang out with you, once we kill Cthulhu I am never speaking to you again." he expressed.

"You and me both know you can't keep yourself away from me."

"I'm serious this time! I've had enough of your shit!"

The clerk began to ring up Cartman's items as he spoke up, "What was that you were sayin' about killing Cthulhu?" the man questioned.

Cartman turned to address the man, "Why don't you mind your own fucking-" he began to say before remembering he was supposed to be a hero, he should be boasting about his selfless crusade and helping his marketability, not yelling at random people and making himself look like a dick, "I mean, yeah. We're on our way to go kill Cthulhu and save the world, no big deal, it's all part of the job." he casually explained.

"Ah, I see. So you two think you're just gonna stop the dark lord on your own, is that right?" the clerk asked, sounding increasingly annoyed by the second.

"Yeah, that sounds about right." the overweight teen continued to boast, "Want my autograph? Just five dollars!" he offered.

Kyle on the other hand was a bit more trepidatious about the whole situation, something about this guy just didn't sit right with him, "Uh, Cartman? I think we should get out of here." he whispered.

"Shut up Kyle." the other boy said in return.

"On the contrary, you boys ain't goin' nowhere." the man expressed, pulling a loaded shotgun out from under the counter, "Praise Cthulhu." he stated.

"Oh shit." the boys said in unison as they began to slowly back away, only to be stopped by several people standing behind them, grabbing the two by the arms and holding them in place.

"Praise Cthulhu!" the crowd of people repeated.

Kyle and Cartman were sure they were fucked when suddenly, with speed and precision, the clerk was beamed in the head with a beer bottle that seemingly flew out of nowhere, knocking him unconscious and causing him to squeeze off one shot into the ceiling, catching everyone by surprise long enough for Kyle and Cartman to get loose.

The boys ran around the nearest shelf, knocking down as many large objects behind them as they could on their way to the exit. Several cultists chased them around the store while two stood guard at the door, Kyle tackled one while Cartman charged the other, slashing the man's face with his Coon Claws, eliciting a bloodcurdling scream of pain in return due to the fact that said claws were actually just gloves with razor blades glued to the fingers, "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST DUDE!" Kyle screamed in horror as the man dropped into a pool of his own blood.

"SELF-DEFENSE, HE STARTED IT, I WAS JUST STANDING MY GROUND!" Cartman instinctively defended as the two of them ran out of the building, pushing a bench in front of the door to block the cultists inside. "Uh, guys? We've got a problem!" Cartman shouted as several people tried to smash through the door from the inside.

"What the fuck did you guys do?!" Kenny asked.

"Cartman told a group of cultists we were on our way to kill their god!" Kyle accused.

"Hey! You were the one who…" Cartman began to argue before realizing this situation was nobody's fault but his own, not that he'd ever admit that, "Fuck you!"

"Shit!" Kenny remarked before pulling the still-running pump out of the van's gas tank, "Stan, hold your breath, unscrew one of those propane tanks over there and toss it through the window." he instructed.

"What? Wh-"

"I've got a plan, just hurry!" the boy ordered, grabbing a rag off the ground and dousing it in gas.

Stan nodded and ran over to the propane tanks, pulling a pair of bolt-cutters off his tool-belt and breaking the lock off the storage container before following Kenny's instructions to a T. The tank shattered the window on impact, causing a few people within to recoil in surprise before one of them shouted, "THAT'S PROPANE!"

It was too late though, by the time anyone realized what was going on Kenny was already by the shattered window with his gas-soaked rag and a lighter, "RUN!" he shouted to his friends as he lit the rag on fire and tossed it inside.

The boys had managed to get out of the explosion's blast radius before the whole building went up in flames to the sound of everyone inside screaming in agony before the noise died out into silence. "Holy fucking shit, dude." Kyle remarked with a wide-eyed stare, not really believing what he just saw.

"That had to be the coolest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life." Cartman noted.

"Is everyone alright?" Stan questioned.

Kenny looked around to see everyone seemed safe, everyone except, "WHERE THE FUCK IS WENDY?!" the boy screamed.

"Uhhh." Cartman and Kyle said in unison before Cartman gave an answer, "She… Wasn't with us? That's what she told us anyway."

"I'm fine!" they all heard the girl assure with a cough as she walked out from behind the store, ash and dust staining her face and costume, "I got out through the back." she explained.

"Oh thank fuck!" Kenny proclaimed as he rushed to his girlfriend, helping brush some of the residue off before hugging her.

"Thanks Kenny." she said with a smile before turning to Kyle and Cartman with a scowl, "I knock out the dick with the shotgun and you thank me by blocking me inside and tossing a FUCKING BOMB THROUGH THE WINDOW?!"

"The bomb was Kenny's idea!" the two immediately blamed.

Wendy turned back to face her boyfriend who rubbed his neck in shame, "I'm really sorry about that." he stated.

Wendy groaned in frustration, "Well at least no one was hurt." she expressed right before one of the cultists climbed out of the window, gasping for air and trying to let out as close to a pained scream as it could, and I say "it" because its face was melted off to the point where it could no longer be reasonably identified as male, female, or even human for that matter.

"Help… Me…" the burn victim begged, only to fall out of the window, gutting itself on a huge shard of broken glass that dragged its intestines out as it fell.

"Holy sh-" Stan began to curse before throwing up on the asphalt.

"That's so fucking-" Kyle started, only to do the same.

"Huh, so that's what it's like to lose your appetite." Cartman noted, watching what was effectively a corpse squirm in agony in its last moments.

"Out of everything I've seen in the past week… I think that might be the most horrifying." Wendy expressed, burying her face in her boyfriend's shoulder to shield her eyes.

"Eh, I've seen worse." Kenny shrugged before guiding Wendy back to the van, "Let's go, we're burnin' daylight!"

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"Just go already, goddammit!" Karen ordered as Kenny finally got into the driver's seat of the van and pulled out into the street. The girl sighed with worry as she watched the van disappear around the corner, "Those guys are more of a threat to the world than Cthulhu could ever dream to be." she noted before leaving the gun store parking lot.

Karen walked down the sidewalk with a blizzard of emotion blowing through her mind. She tried to keep her head straight, choosing to focus on the cool dry breeze hitting her face rather than think about the mess she'd found herself in… The mess she was partially responsible for. "Hey." she heard a familiar voice call out from behind her.

The girl turned to see Firkel standing on the sidewalk with his hands in his pockets, looking like a silent movie villain with his damaged top hat and patch over the eye that Charlie had clawed out and devoured. Karen didn't pay his appearance any mind though, he always looked dark and broody, she was just happy to see a friend, "Hey, how's it going?" the girl asked a little too excitedly for someone who was supposed to be goth.

"Oh, you know. Not so good." the boy answered, but then when were things going good for the kid who hates pretty much everything?

Karen rolled her eyes, "Of course not." she noted, "You wanna go meet up with the others and hang out for a while? I haven't seen you guys in days."

Firkel nodded, "Yeah, you haven't… But I've seen you." he noted in a creepier tone than usual.

"Huh?" the girl asked in confusion, she got just a bit uncomfortable as he began to approach her.

"You've been spending a lot of time with Wendy, right? Doing a lot of research on Cthulhu, his history… His weaknesses." he listed, making the girl increasingly uneasy with every word.

"Firkel, I-"

"Do you know how long I've been waiting for this day, Karen? How many years I've been waiting for the Dark Lord to rise from the depths of R'lyeh and wipe the conformist plague from this cursed world?" Firkel questioned as he walked up to the girl.

"Firkel, Cthulhu's not just gonna stop with the conformists, if he isn't stopped then we're all-" Karen was cut off when the boy pulled a switchblade from his pocket and pressed it to her throat.

"Shut up, this planet is diseased and Cthulhu is the cure." he stated, Karen trembling beneath his blade, "You're either with us or you're with the conformists… And it looks like you've made your decision."

"FIRKEL!" the boy heard Henrietta shout from behind him.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" Michael's voice followed.

"What's it look like? I'm getting ready to gut a conformist pig." Firkel stated calmly.

"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HER YOU LITTLE PSYCHO!" Pete ordered, "Karen's one of us!"

Firkel snapped around in anger, "No she's not! We finally have another shot at three-thousand years of darkness and she's trying to ruin it! How fucking blind are you guys?!" he questioned. Karen took advantage of the distraction to tackle the boy from behind, knocking the knife out of his hand as they crashed to the ground, "GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME!" he commanded, elbowing her in the ribs and rolling over so that he was the one on top of her, holding her arms down to the pavement.

The rest of the group rushed over to help break up the fight, only to back up when Firkel grabbed his knife off the ground and brandished it toward them, "Don't do anything stupid, just because she has to die doesn't mean you all do." he warned.

Karen took advantage of her current position and smashed her knee into the psychotic goth kid's ball-sack, knocking the wind out of him long enough to free her arms and grab his hand that was holding the knife, "Firkel stop! I don't wanna hurt you!" she stated.

"Then just lay back and fucking DIE ALREADY!" he returned as they continued to struggle for control over the blade.

Karen finally managed to gain some leverage and roll the other goth onto his back, struggling to keep control over his right hand. The girl had one major advantage over Firkel though, he was an only child while she had been backyard wrestling with two older brothers for as long as she could remember, both of whom were far bigger and tougher than the young goth boy. She managed to overpower him, forcing the knife down far enough that it was touching his eye-patch.

"You'd better not fucking spare me, because I sure as hell won't do the same for you." he warned in a cold bitter tone, daring her to finish him off. Karen looked into his remaining eye and knew he was telling the truth, she looked up at her other friends who just stared back with the most freaked out expressions she'd ever seen upon their faces, even they knew only one of the two were walking away from this alive. A tear came to her eye as she looked back down, "FUCKING DO IT ALREADY!"

Karen shut her eyes as she plunged the knife through Firkel's eye-socket and into his brain, killing him on impact. She jumped off the fresh corpse as quickly as she could before bursting into tears, "Holy shit!" Henrietta shouted as she and the guys rushed to her side.

"Karen, are you alright?!" Pete questioned.

"I- I- I-" Karen struggled to answer as she stared at the twitching corpse she'd just produced, "I killed Firkel." she said in disbelief, more to herself than anyone else.

"You had to do it, Firkel's always been crazy, it was him or you." Michael assured, "But… Shit… This is so fucked up!" he added, running his hand through the curls in his hair.

"I- I-" the girl continued struggling to let a sound escape her throat. Henrietta saw this and hugged her friend.

"It's okay, it's all gonna be okay." she tried to assure, but who was she really trying to comfort as the four of them just sat there on the sidewalk, watching as someone they once considered a member of their fucked up little family laid dead in a pool of his own blood with a switchblade knife sticking out of his face?

Their facade was dropped, if only for a moment, and in that moment there were no stoic emotionless goth kids who just sat around all day with bored looks on their faces, and what remained in their stead was a group of scared teenagers whose world had just burned down around them.

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"For the last fucking time, we're not calling ourselves Coon and Friends!" Kyle stated after Cartman's latest rant on why "The Freedom Pals" was a totally gay name for a superhero team.

"I don't see what everyone's fucking problem is with it! I'm the team leader, I should get top-billing!" the fat teen argued.

"Cartman, out of everyone in this group, you are the last person who would ever be considered for the position of team leader." Stan noted.

"HEY! I was doing the superhero thing way before any of you assholes!" the other boy reminded.

"Bullshit! You and Kenny started at the same time, and he actually kept fighting crime after you got bored with it and quit." Kyle argued.

"Oh what, so you think Kenny should be the leader instead of me?!" the Cartman asked.

"Yes." literally everyone else in the van aside from Kenny answered in unison.

"Wait… Did I just get put in charge of the team?" Kenny asked.

"SERIOUSLY?! YOU WANNA PUT THE POTHEAD IN CHARGE?! WHAT THE FUCK'S WRONG WITH YOU ASSHOLES?!"

"Nobody's putting Kenny in charge, we're just saying he outranks you." Kyle clarified.

"Well who's in charge then?!" Cartman asked.

"I mean… I always thought I would make a-" Kyle began to say before Cartman burst out laughing.

"You?! Seriously?!" the fat teen said before laughing again, "I think I'd rather take my chances under Discount Batman and Wonder-Skank."

"Hey Stan, Kyle, can you guys grab onto something sturdy for me?" Kenny requested

The two proceeded to secure themselves before Kenny swerved the van across the highway and jerked back into his original lane, causing Cartman to fly across the back of the vehicle and smash his head against the wall, "OW! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" he screamed.

"I keep telling you to stop calling Wendy a skank, or a bitch, or a whore, or a cunt, or anything else that you know is gonna piss me off. Quit being a dick or keep getting hurt, I'm honestly cool with either." the boy calmly explained.

"See, this shit? This is why I hate you more than Kyle!" Cartman stated.

"Yeah sure, that's why." Wendy sarcastically noted, eliciting a laugh from her boyfriend and Stan.

"What's so fucking fu-" the fat teen began to question, his eyes going wide in realization when he figured out what she meant, "Kenny, you told her?!"

"Told her what? What are you guys talking about?" Kyle asked.

"You son of a bitch! You know I'm gonna have to kill both of you now, right?!" Cartman stated.

"Fuckin' try it, pussy." Kenny and Wendy said in unison with a laugh.

"Stan, can you tell me what the hell's going on?" Kyle asked, still utterly lost as to what everyone was talking about.

Stan laughed, "Sorry dude, I'm not touching this one with a ninety foot pole." he expressed.

Kyle's frustration was growing almost as close to Cartman's while Stan, Kenny, and Wendy all laughed their asses off. Through the whole scene however, Kenny had gotten distracted from the main responsibility of any good driver, that being the job of not getting everyone in the vehicle killed. Luckily his girlfriend was more alert of the huge traffic jam that they were speeding toward at 70 miles an hour, "KENNY, STOP!" she shouted, ripping him out of his hysterics so he could jam his foot into the brake as hard as he could.

Kenny was jerked forward by the momentum and nearly smacked his face on the steering wheel, Wendy had managed to be held back from smashing her head on the dashboard through little help of what she considered the worst seatbelts ever manufactured, but rather her boyfriend's right arm instinctively swinging over to catch her. And while the seatbelts in the front seats clearly didn't do much to help in the slightest, they were at least better than the safety amenities in the back which consisted of literally nothing aside from two grab-bars on the ceiling that none of the three boys seated there had time to grab before they flew toward the front of the van at high velocity, Cartman and Stan crashing into the seats and Kyle flying right into Cartman, "OW! GOD-FUCKING-DAMMIT KENNY! WHERE THE HELL'D YOU GET YOUR LICENSE?!" the fat boy questioned in pain

"Ow shit." Kyle uttered before realizing something, "Wait a minute, you're not even old enough to drive, HOW THE HELL DO YOU HAVE A LICENSE IN THE FIRST PLACE?!" he questioned.

"To answer both of your questions in a concise manner, he stole his brothers identity." Wendy explained.

"What the fuck? So you and your brother share a license?" Stan questioned, rubbing his arm where it hit the seat.

"No, we've got a whole network, his license says Stuart McCormick, and before he lost it my dad's said Marvin Marsh." Kenny explained.

"Marvin M- YOUR DAD STOLE MY GRANDPA'S IDENTITY?!" Stan questioned in horror.

"Hey do me a favor and not scream that at the top of your lungs when that cop gets over here." Kenny requested as he watched a cop run toward the van.

The boy rolled down his window as the cop took a moment to catch his breath, "Is everyone alright in there?" he asked.

"Everyone's fine, officer." Kenny assured.

"I'm not!" Cartman bitched.

"Everyone that matters is fine." the boy corrected. "So what's the hold up anyway?"

"You don't know?" the cop asked, "California's being evacuated, Cthulhu was just spotted near the coastline." he explained.

"Nah, really?" Kenny questioned, "But we were seriously hoping to hit the beach today." he lied, "Any way we can get in for a few hours before the state's wiped off the face of the planet?"

The cop shook his head, "Nope, sorry. No one's getting in until… Well, until we all die, I assume." he calmly explained.

"Aw, that's too bad." Kenny falsely lamented, "Well, good luck with that then."

The officer nodded, "Thanks, sorry your day is ruined."

Kenny rolled up the window and watched as the cop walked away, "Well, we tried." Cartman stated, "Nothing left to do now but- Hey, wait, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" he began to shout as Kenny drove off the road and began to force his way across state lines.

"Sorry fatass, you're not watching the end of the world on TV with a bowl of Cheesy Poofs in your lap just yet." the boy stated, casually driving toward the apocalypse like it was the McDonald's Drive Thru while numerous men and women in uniform screamed at him to stop. "And just in case you guys were curious, shit like this? That's why I'm the fuckin' team leader." he proclaimed with a smirk to no one's discrepancy.

"Alright fine, but you're still poor." Cartman pointed out.

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Damien sighed as he materialized onto one of the stools at the bar of the Devil's Hall, "TWITCHY!" he impatiently shouted.

"AH! WHAT?!" Tweek asked, surprised by the other boy's sudden reappearance.

"Whiskey straight, now." he ordered.

"UH, OH GOD, WHAT'S IN A WHISKEY STRAIGHT?!" the jittery teen questioned.

"It's whiskey… Straight." Craig calmly explained.

"Oh yeah. Thanks." he said with a relieved sigh before pouring Damien's drink.

"So, Kenny's back on Earth?" Butters questioned.

Damien nodded, "Back in the arms of what's-her-face, on their way to give my father and uncle false hope before they destroy us all." he explained as Tweek placed the glass of whiskey down in front of him, the Antichrist immediately downing it as fast as he could, "Refill, this time leave the bottle."

"Aw, d-don't think like that Damien, w-well I'm sure they'll kick Cthulhu's butt no problem!" Butters optimistically expressed.

The Antichrist sighed, "You know, maybe you're right. Maybe two reckless teenagers can do the impossible and save the universe, maybe they'll top it off with a happy fairy-tale ending and we'll all end up laughing about this in hindsight at their wedding, and maybe, just maybe, I'll birth a live pig out of my ass right here on the bar before the end of the night. These are all equally possible contingencies, but I personally wouldn't bet on any of them, not in this life at least." he explained before taking another drink.

"So what's gonna happen exactly when the universe is destroyed?" Craig questioned.

Damien shrugged, "Hard to say for sure, I think the way the reset button works is that it implodes every molecule of the universe into one condensed ball and then blows it out like a nuclear bomb… Well, several nuclear bombs… I mean, one nuclear bomb for every atom in the universe. Or something like that, you do the math, I'm a politician not a physicist."

"So… What then?" Butters asked.

"Have you ever fucked up a video game save so bad that you had to start over from the beginning? Pretty much that." the Antichrist simplified before taking another drink, "It's a shame too, I kinda liked existing."

"We can always hold out hope for Kenny." Butters reminded.

Damien sighed once more, "Kenny McCormick is an unlucky fool who was born into the middle of a millennia-old cosmic clusterfuck for which he had little to no preparation for." he reminded before turning on the TV over the bar, tuning it into a random news station to see a van speeding over the California state lines.

"We're getting word that the rogue van contains five costumed vigilantes likely on their way to confront Cthulhu head-on!" the newscaster explained, "This is either the bravest group of people on the planet or the stupidest."

"Of course, maybe he'll surprise me." the boy relented as he watched, "He's always been pretty good at that."

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Kenny lit a cigarette and took a long drag, holding it still in his right hand until Wendy took it in her left, dragging it herself before handing it off to Stan. Stan took a drag of his own, handing it off to Kyle who took the fourth drag before handing it off to Cartman who sucked off the last bit of it before dropping it to the ground and stamping out the ember.

"So we're really doing this, huh?" Stan questioned.

Kyle shrugged, "Wouldn't be the first time we've faced the apocalypse." he reasoned.

"Might be the first time it kills us though." Cartman countered.

Kenny laughed, "Speak for yourself." he retorted as he felt another hand grasp his own. He looked over to see the love of his life smiling back at him with a look of absolute hope and adoration.

"We can do this." she assured, although Kenny wasn't entirely sure he could accept the ray of sunshine his love emitted as the shadow of Cthulhu's presence cast itself down upon him.

The four watched as the horrifying behemoth of a creature that is Cthulhu waded through the ocean, "Looks like he's coming right for us." Stan noted.

"You know what that means!" Cartman excitedly said, holding up two AK 47s like some kind of action movie star.

"Hey, any of you guys know which way the missile comes out of this thing?" Kenny asked as he stared into the barrel of his bazooka.

"Oh here, you've just gotta-" Stan began to explain before Kenny shot it off by accident and managed to fire it right into Cthulhu's chest, knocking him back slightly, "Or that, that's another way of figuring it out." he flatly accepted.

"Oh shit, he's speeding up." Kyle noted.

"Oh fuck, BACK IN THE VAN!" Kenny shouted before they all scrambled back into the vehicle.

Kenny sped down the road as everyone's action movie wet-dream started to dry up and reality started to crash down upon them with almost as much force as the Volvo that crashed through a building and landed on the street behind them.

"What now, almighty leader?" Cartman sarcastically asked.

"I don't fuckin' know! Was he always that huge?!" Kenny panicked.

"HE'S A MALEVOLENT GOD! WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING?!" Wendy questioned.

"Oh shit, we're so not prepared for this, are we?" Kyle noted.

"Nope." Kenny answered, doing his damnedest to come up with some semblance of a plan, "Stan, you, Kyle, and Cartman get off here with the bazooka and a few AKs, get ready to totally fuck him up once we've got his attention!" the boy ordered as he stopped by what he considered a pretty secure looking building.

"What the hell are we gonna-" Cartman began to argue as he, Kyle, and Stan got off.

"Just get some high ground and aim for his crotch once you've got a good shot!" Kenny ordered, "Also, if this doesn't work out like I hope, just find a huge building with a sign that says 'The Devil's Hall' when you get to Hell."

"WHAT?! Kenny, what the fuck are you talking about?!" Stan questioned in horror.

"Just fucking trust me! Worst case scenario, that's where you'll wanna be!" the boy vaguely explained before speeding off toward the sound of destruction, leaving the three teens behind, "Did he seriously just fucking leave us here to die?!" Cartman asked.

"Forget it, let's just do as he says, what's the worst that could happen?" Kyle reasoned as he pulled the other two boys into a nearby building.

"Death, mutilation, getting trapped in some creepy alternate dimension." Stan listed off.

"Look, I'm trying to keep a positive outlook in the face of my doom, can you please quit being such a fucking doomer for five goddamn minutes?" Kyle requested.

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"Alright, what's the plan here?" Wendy questioned.

"We distract him and hope Stan can blast his dick off with the bazooka. Easy peasy monkey cheesy." Kenny explained.

"That does not sound easy peasy monkey cheesy, that sounds suicidal bluicidal angry crocodile!" the girl argued.

"Well it's the best plan we've got! Besides, we can't even die, remember?" the boy reminded.

"It still fucking hurts!" Wendy stated.

Kenny let out a blissful sigh, "Finally, someone else gets it." he said with a smile before turning a corner where they found themselves face to face with the god himself, "Oh fuck, hang on!" he warned, slamming the brakes and shifting the van in reverse.

The boy floored it as Cthulhu stomped toward them, "Okay, what now?" the girl questioned.

"Now we hope Stan takes the fucking shot before we run out of gas." the boy calmly answered as he shifted back into drive, dodging the flying sedan that Cthulhu hurled in their general direction, "Preferably before we get down to half the tank."

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The other three boys stood on the roof of a fairly tall building preparing for their role in the plan "It's weird that you know so much about guns and shit with how much of a huge pussy you are about actually using them." Cartman noted as he watched Stan load the bazooka.

Stan rolled his eyes, "I grew up around them, I think they're cool, and I have no problem shooting them, I just don't like the idea of using them blow every animal in the forest to a billion pieces." he explained.

"Yeah, 'cause you're a pussy." the fat teen concluded.

"Would you shut the fuck up, you goddamn psychopath!" Kyle ordered as Stan got into position.

"Hey! Don't tell me to shut the fuck up!" Cartman shouted.

"How about both of you shut the fuck up, I might only get one shot at this!" Stan interjected.

The two ignored him as they continued arguing, "I swear, how do you manage to be the biggest asshole around even when we're in the heat of battle with a being of pure evil?!"

"I'd rather be an asshole than a dirty jew!" the fat piece of shit countered, shoving Kyle as he did.

"Well I'd rather be a jew than some fat retarded son of a whore with no moral compass!" Kyle said in return, shoving him back.

"DON'T CALL ME FAT!" Cartman screamed in fury, pushing Kyle as hard as he could, shoving the teen into Stan as he was lining up his shot, knocking him off target and setting off the shot by accident.

"SHIT!" Stan proclaimed as the rocket flew right past Cthulhu's head, gaining his attention. The three boys watched in horror as the monster's head slowly turned to face them.

"Oh fuck." Kyle and Cartman said in unison.

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"He stopped following us." Wendy said in confusion.

"What? Why the fuck would he-" Kenny began to question before hearing an explosion in the distance. "Oh shit, they missed the fucking shot!" the boy deduced.

"What?! How could they miss the shot, he's fucking massive!"

Kenny hit the brakes once they had a fair amount of distance between themselves and the horrid monster. He watched as Cthulhu ripped the top off of an adjacent building and threw the pile of concrete and metal debris into the direction of the building they'd dropped the guys off at. The debris collided with the building, crashing into it with incredible velocity and destroying it on impact. "OH SHIT!"

"Oh my god, I think he just killed Stan, Eric, and Kyle!" Wendy shouted, not believing what she'd just witnessed.

Kenny shook his head, "I won't believe it until I see it." he stated, slamming his foot down on the gas and speeding toward the carnage.

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Cartman sat up in a daze, his head was killing him but he somehow managed to not only survive the bombardment but even managed to make it out without any broken bones, almost as if he had a thick fleshy cushion protecting his innards, "Alright, maybe I am a little overweight." he admitted to himself, "At least I'm not some scrawny fuck that probably would've been crushed to death on impa- OH SHIT, KYLE!"

The boy jerked his head around, trying to find Kyle through the wreckage and ruin, his eyes landing on his friend's lifeless corpse lying on a pile of concrete, "No, NOOO!" he shouted, rushing to the other teen as quick as his sore body would allow him before dropping to his knees, "Kyle? Come on Kyle, get up!" he said, trying to shake the other boy awake, "GET THE FUCK UP GODDAMMIT!" he screamed with tears in his eyes.

"Come on, I'm sorry I was so mean, just get the fuck up and I'll never call you a dirty jew again, I'll even stop calling your mom a fat ugly kike, please!" Cartman begged, "I didn't mean to be such a dick to you… I was just scared, I was afraid you'd find out… I fucking love you, Kyle." he finally admitted, "I've loved you this whole time and I don't wanna think about what my life would be like without you. Please don't die on me Kyle."

The other boy shifted in his arms, "Cartman?" he said, looking up into his eyes.

"Kyle? You're alive!" the teen shouted in joy, "Oh god, I was so scared I lost you and-"

"Before you say anything else, can I just tell you something?" Kyle interrupted.

"Of course! What is it Kyle?" Cartman asked, just happy to hear the other boy's voice.

"I don't care what your reasoning is, you are the biggest piece of shit I have ever had the disprivilege of knowing, you're racist, sexist, a spoiled brat, and an overall psychopath, you have no redeeming qualities whatsoever, I don't return your feelings in any way shape or form and I want nothing but the worst for you. Go fuck yourself." Kyle explained.

The fat teen's eyes widened in surprise at Kyle's brutally honest response, "Oh, I see." he said, climbing back up to his feet, "Alright then Kyle, if that's how you feel then I guess there's nothing I can do about it. Glad ya didn't die, pal." he calmly stated before walking away.

Kyle was surprised by how maturely the fat teen had taken his blunt rejection, he'd expected some kind of outburst of biblical proportions after making no attempt to let him down gently in the slightest, "Huh, maybe he's not as much of a spoiled piece of shit as I- Cartman, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT CONCRETE BLOCK?!" the boy questioned in terror.

"BREAK MY HEART AND RUIN MY MOMENT, WILL YOU?!" Cartman screamed in fury before dropping the heavy block down on Kyle's head, crushing his skull on impact. The fat teen took a few deep breaths and composed himself, looking around to make sure nobody saw that, "Oh no, my one true love is dead, crushed by all this falling debris, how will I go on without him?" he said to no one.

The universe, however, was more than happy to answer his rhetorical question with a loud and clear proclamation of "You won't." in the form of a pile of twisted metal and concrete falling down on him, this time making damn sure he wouldn't be getting back up.

The dramatics had ended and the chaos had settled by the time Kenny and Wendy pulled up in the van. The two got out and started to quickly search the rubble before Cthulhu could figure out where they'd gone. "Guys?! Come on, where the hell are you?!" Kenny called out.

"Oh god." the boy heard his girlfriend say in horror.

Kenny rushed over to her side, "What? Did you find-" he began to ask before laying his eyes on the horrific scene before him, "Oh shit." he cursed. The two stared at Stan's bloodied corpse, impaled through the chest by several pieces of rebar, the iron rods sticking out of his flesh like spears. Kenny approached the body, grabbing his wrist on the off-chance there was still a pulse, "He's dead." the boy stated with a morbid sigh of relief, glad he at least wasn't suffering.

Wendy began to tear up at the sight of her ex-boyfriend, it all felt so horrifying yet familiar in a way, "We'd better get back to the-" the girl turned to find her boyfriend walking back to the van, "Kenny? Wait for me!" she yelled, running after him. "Kenny, are you-" she looked to see tears rolling down his face as he stared into Cthulhu's general direction.

"I'm gonna fuckin' kill him." he stated before climbing into the van.

"Wait, what are you-"

"Buckle up." the boy stated, stepping on the gas before Wendy's door was even closed.

"Kenny, I know you're upset right now, but I really think you should evaluate all of our options before…" before Wendy could finish reasoning with her boyfriend, the two found themselves staring the eldritch being down from opposite ends of the street, nothing but a pile of rubble shaped conveniently like a ramp between them. The girl's eyes went wide when she pieced together what Kenny was thinking, "I'm not gonna talk you out of this, am I?" she asked.

The boy shook his head, "Doesn't seem likely." he said, turning to smile at his girlfriend, "One more for the road?" he asked.

Wendy laughed, "Of course that's what's on your mind right now." she stated before leaning in to meet her boyfriend's lips. The two kissed, and Kenny floored the gas, getting the van up to the highest speed he could before hitting the jump just right.

The van became airborne within a moment, its trajectory aimed directly for the crotch of Cthulhu, "Who's the bastard now ya son of a bitch?!" the boy shouted in what he figured would've been a pretty sweet final one-liner to end this story once and for all…

If his plan had worked.

Cthulhu grabbed the vehicle in midair, the abrupt stop ramming Kenny and Wendy's heads into the dashboard. Kenny managed to stay conscious long enough to look out the windshield and find himself face to face with the horrible creature. "Still me." he heard Cthulhu's voice say from within his mind before they were flung at high velocity into the Hollywood sign.

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"Last call for alcohol." Damien proclaimed, shaking his head in defeat as he refilled his few patrons' glasses, "Last call for sticking your heads between your legs and kissing your asses goodbye." he added.

"I can't believe they actually lost." Butters said once again, "This ain't how the story's supposed to end." he lamented.

Damien sighed, "Well, hate to break it to ya bud, but this ain't your My Little Pony show where everyone gets a happy ending and turns into a magical unicorn princess or whatever. The story of life is always a tragedy where shit escalates until things are as bad as they can possibly get, then everyone dies." he explained, checking his watch, "Speaking of which…"

The bar door opened just a moment later as a few familiar faces walked in, "This is the place Kenny said to go." Stan noted as he entered.

"Cartman, get the fuck away from me!" Kyle snapped as the third boy got a little too close for his comfort.

"Hey, I said I was sorry!" the fat teen defended.

"YOU FUCKING MURDERED ME, ASSHOLE! This is officially where I draw the fucking line! Don't go near me, don't talk to me, don't even look at me, I. AM. DONE!" Kyle proclaimed.

"FELLERS!" Butters proclaimed as he ran up to Hell's three newest residents.

"Oh shit, hey Butters!" Stan greeted with a smile as the boy ran up and hugged both him and Kyle.

The two looked over to see Craig and Tweek sitting at the bar, "Hey Kyle." Craig greeted.

"AH! DON'T BE A DICK CRAIG!" the jittery teen said before addressing the new arrivals, "STAN TOO, GOOD TO SEE BOTH YOU GUYS! AH!"

"Hey! What about me?!" Cartman demanded.

"Oh, s-sorry Eric." Butters apologized before approaching the other boy, and patting him on the shoulder, "Good to see ya buddy."

Cartman rolled his eyes, "So what, this is Hell? Fuckin' Mexico was worse than this place!"

"Rest assured Cartman, you'd be sitting in the lake of fire with a pitchfork shoved up your ass if we weren't giving every new arrival a pass for the apocalypse." Damien explained as he placed a glass on the bar, "First one's on the house."

"Oh hell yeah! Eternal damnation kicks ass!" Cartman proclaimed, downing half the glass only to cough it out within a moment, "AW SICK! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SHIT?!" he demanded.

"The piss of a burning dog." the Antichrist stated with a grin, taking in the horrified look on the fat fuck's face, "That's not even part of the eternal punishment, I just think it's funny." he added as Stan and Kyle sat down as well, "So gentlemen, what'll it be?"

"Got any water?" Kyle asked.

Damien considered it for a moment, "No but there is one thing I've always wanted to try." he noted before grabbing a bottle of red wine from behind the bar, uncorking it and pouring two glasses. He then threw a towel over them and did a small wave before uncovering them, revealing two glasses of fresh spring water in their place.

Kyle and Stan shrugged before taking a drink, "Kinda metal tasting, but it's water." Kyle noted.

"Oh what the hell! Why do they get water and I get dog piss?!" Cartman bitched.

"AH! HE GAVE ME A GLASS OF PURE LIQUID COCAINE WHEN I FIRST SHOWED UP, AND IT STILL HASN'T WORN OFF!" Tweek noted.

"I thought you were even more neurotic than before, WHAT THE FUCK DAMIEN?!" Craig demanded.

"Hey, it's called comedic irony! The second funniest thing in the universe right behind fooling idiots into drinking dog piss." he defended before turning back to face the TV.

"We're all in this together you know, Cthulhu won't be here forever, but Subaru will always be your family." the commercial voice-over explained.

"Man, they seriously didn't waste any time making these commercials." Kyle noted as Damien's phone vibrated.

The Antichrist checked his texts to see he'd gotten a message from his father, "Yeah, not that it really matters." he said with a sigh, "The universe is about to die anyway."

"What, Why?!" Stan questioned in horror.

Damien groaned, "Do you really want to spend your final moments listening to me explain the semantics of what's going on or do you want a big boy drink to numb the stress of the fact that you're about to be erased from existence?" he asked.

Stan considered it for a moment before sighing, "Whiskey please." he requested.

"Since we're apparently gonna die before I turn 21, can I have a margarita?" Kyle asked.

"No, too much effort." Damien answered, pouring out two shots of whiskey.

"You're kind of a shit bartender, you know that?" Craig stated.

"Hey look, Shit-Man and Cunt-Girl are on TV." Cartman pointed out, glad that neither of them were present to injure him in some way or another over his little nicknames. His relief however, was short-lived before his hair spontaneously caught on fire, "OH SHIT, WHAT THE FUCK?!" he screamed, dumping his last bit of dog piss on himself to extinguish the flames.

Damien smirked, "Something tells me Kenny would've wanted me to do something like that." he stated as everyone sat back to watch the television screen.

"It appears the two surviving vigilantes have finally conceded to the might that is our new lord and ruler, Cthulhu." the newscaster stated, "After nursing the apparently broken arm of the young man we've identified as Mysterion, the two are now seated near the ruins of the now demolished Hollywood sign, watching as the Dark Lord tears the city of Los Angeles to pieces."

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Wendy ripped off her domino mask and tossed it aside while Kenny nursed his broken arm. The two sat in silence as Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here" album played from Kenny's boombox. "Huh, never thought I'd see the day where I'd be the last one still alive." the boy expressed with a sigh, "Ya know, until the whole fucking universe explodes."

Wendy was silent for a moment, seemingly lost in thought over their current predicament, "We'll never get to go to prom together." the girl finally spoke up as she stared into space.

"We'll never ditch prom to screw in the back of my truck." Kenny added.

"No picking out colleges together." she said.

"No dropping out of college and getting a job to help support you through law school or whatever you decide on doing." he said.

"No moving in together."

"No living on that beach in Hawaii together with a kickass weed garden."

"We'll never get married." the two finally said in unison as tears began to flow down their faces. The past few months flashed before Kenny's eyes, everything from Wendy crushing his head under a car engine to this moment were some of the best memories he'd ever had. He recalled the moment they first met and all those wasted years in between. Since they started dating, Kenny was under the impression he'd have the rest of his life to make up for the time he didn't get with Wendy, but this was it, their final moments, he figured Wendy had the same idea as she started to sob into her hands.

It was in this moment that Kenny remembered something he just happened to have on hand that might at least make them both feel a little better.

The boy shuffled over to the box of cassettes next to his boombox, digging through for a moment before realizing he'd left his pack of joints in the glove compartment of his truck, "Fuck." he said under his breath before seeing a certain cassette case in the bottom of the pile. John Meloncamp's Greatest Hits, the one case in his collection no one would ever EVER think to open, the perfect place to hide something you wouldn't want someone stumbling upon. Kenny thought about it for a moment and nodded to himself before pulling down his hood one last time and leaning over to his girlfriend, "Hey Wends?" he said.

"Yeah Ken?" she asked, wiping the tears from her eyes.

He thought hard about what he wanted to say before finally settling on the one thing he'd wanted to tell Wendy for years, "Sorry I ran away earlier… I just couldn't wait to tell everyone I knew that I just met the most beautiful girl in the world." he expressed.

Wendy gave him a confused look, "I'm sorry, what the hell are you talking about exactly?" she asked.

Kenny chuckled before explaining himself, "That was what I said to you back when we first met in preschool." he explained, "I haven't changed my mind since then either. You're beautiful, you're smart, you're fun to be around, and I was just thinking I never really liked the last name Testaburger all that much and… I mean, I know it's kinda late and it's probably gonna sound really out of character and gay coming from me but…" he went on, opening the cassette case in his hand to pull out the ring hidden inside, "Holy shit, marry me?"

Wendy looked at the ring, then at the almost nervous grin on her boyfriend's face. She stared into Kenny's eyes as she grabbed his good hand, "Yes." she answered simply, feeling the need to repeat it if only to assure herself he'd just asked her what she thought he did, "Yes Kenny, I'd love to marry you!"

The two kissed as Kenny slipped the ring on her finger, holding Wendy as close as he possibly could as the universe began to fade around them, closing in until they themselves were destroyed.

And with the final death of our main characters along with the entire universe surrounding them, the last line of dialogue in this tale belongs to you, yes you the reader, and everyone else reading this, you already know what it is, shout it out all together now.

"Oh my god, he killed Kenny… YOU BASTARD!"

But, as the song goes, every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

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It was the first day of preschool at South Park Elementary and a young girl by the name of Wendy Testaburger sat alone on the playground, too shy to approach any of the other kids, with nothing else to do aside from count the minutes until she got to go back inside.

Suddenly, another kid approached her, a boy with messy blonde hair wearing an orange coat. He stood there for a moment before seemingly getting up the nerve to open his mouth, "H-hi. My name's Kenny." he greeted, "You're… Really pretty." he nervously expressed before giving a sincere smile.

The girl blushed at the compliment before smiling herself, "Thank you. I'm Wendy." she introduced, "You wanna go play on the swings?"

Kenny smiled brightly at the invitation, "Oh hell yeah!" he agreed as they walked over to the swing set.

Wendy gasped, "You said a bad word." she said in awe.

"Yeah, I know lots of 'em, you want me to teach you?" he offered.

"Sure!" the girl excitedly agreed.

The two began to get acquainted, blissfully unaware of the figure beyond the playground fence who watched with a proud smile on his face, "Kevin McCormick, what the fudge do you think you're doin' out here?! You're supposed to be in the cafeteria!" a deep voice scolded from behind him.

"Sorry Chef." the boy apologized, "It's my little bro's first day and I figured I'd check up on him."

The man let out a sigh, "Well that's a relief, I thought I was gonna have to sing a song about why these girls are too young for you." he noted, "So which one's your brother?"

Kevin pointed toward the swing set, "The one in the orange coat." he said as Kenny jumped off the swing and failed to do a flip, landing flat on his face before Wendy rushed to his aid.

"Looks like he already made a friend." Chef noted with a grin.

"Yeah, us McCormick men don't waste time when it comes to women." the boy proudly stated.

"Alright, well let's get you back to the cafeteria. It's Salisbury steak day and I don't like the idea of you missing out on a meal." the man stated, "Besides, if Mr. Garrison or Principal Victoria catch you out here, you're gonna be a dead man walking!"

Disclaimer: Before anyone makes a review asking, no I'm not writing a sequel. I like the idea of keeping the ending open and up for interpretation. That said, if you've got any ideas for a good sequel and you're looking for an excuse to write some fanfiction then feel free to continue it yourself, I'll be glad to see what you come up with if you do.

On that note, I may drop a one-shot every now and then (I do have a few documents started at least) but I think most of my future Kendy material will come in a more visual form from now on. I sometimes publish a South Park comic that's pretty Kenny/Wendy focused over on my personal website PunkCartoons dot com (I sincerely hope it goes without saying that you replace the "dot" with an actual period when typing it out) alongside my own original cartoons. Please feel free to check that out, leave a comment or two while you're there and maybe sign up for my newsletter.

Yes I am capping this off with an ad, think of it as my payment for writing an entire South Park fan-novel.

Just wanted to get that out of the way first and foremost since the actual A/N is gonna be long as a bitch. In fact, it's less of an author's note and more of an…

Author's Retrospective: It's weird to think I've been working on this for a year and a half now. So much shit's happened from the time I sat down and wrote that first chapter to this very moment I like to think I've grown as both a writer and a person in a lot of ways. I'm not the only one who's grown though, as the ship this fanfic is based on seems to have done its share of growing as well.

The number of stories in the Kenny/Wendy tag has nearly doubled since I started this fic thanks to a few one-shots here and there, some by me, some by Jack797 and I'm proud that I could help make that happen. On top of that, not only did Love Me Some Walking finally finish "Pink Lemonade" after several years of dormancy and write the first two chapters of a sequel, but we also saw McWhoreDick come back after just as long to continue "I Never Thought It'd Be You". That's not even getting into all the great reviews I've gotten from people saying I got them into the ship in the first place, which I'm seriously proud of.

I don't know what it is about this ship that makes me like it so much, I just do. Hell, you don't exactly sit down and write a book about something you hate… Ya know, unless you're a complete psycho or something. I'm proud of this though, I wanted to see more Kendy fics on this website and I'm proud to have helped make that happen, I'm proud I was able to entertain as many people as I did, and I'm especially proud that I was able to see it through to the end like I promised myself I would, hopefully I can make that last one into more of a habit going forward.

I hope I see more Kendy fics in the future, maybe I'll inspire a few people like "Pink Lemonade" and "I Never Thought It'd Be You" inspired me, if so then I'm proud to help carry on the weird niche legacy of this ship that should've never logically existed in the first place, I'm glad it does exist though, it makes me happy at least.

Finally I wanna say thank you to everyone who's been around since the beginning as well as everyone who's stuck around to the end, and anyone who may come across this in the future. I hope this finale wasn't too disappointing for you, and even if it was I hope you cherished the journey leading up to it all the same, I know I did.