Kowarete Ita Nani No Tame Ni

For What was Broken

Chapter sixteen

A Step Closer

'That was frustrating!'

Kouji scowled in irritation after the fifteen-minute lecture he received from the nurse. She was furious. No one in their right mind approached a panicked patient who was holding a broken glass. But Kouji wasn't thinking straight then. Initially, he had been walking back and forth in the corridor, accepting his brother's need for privacy even if he didn't like it. Less than five minutes outside, the door was opened abruptly and the nurse stormed out of the room, her face so pale that Kouji's heart sank immediately. She ran past him in a hurry before glancing back at him warningly. 'Don't go in there!'

Her words were more than enough to make him do the opposite and rush into the room frantically. He expected Kouichi to look scared or uncomfortable but what he saw terrified him to the core. The way Kouichi was gasping for breath and shivering painfully agonized him. The first thing that came to his mind then was that his brother was having a heart attack then the realization that it was a panic attack did nothing to placate his fears.

It would pass soon. No need to interfere. It wouldn't last long. There was nothing they could do now…not during the phase. The doctor assured them confidently despite the worried tone he used. He had tried to stay on the side line partially out of shock partially out of helplessness. He had never seen Kouichi like that before…as if he was going insane. However, the minute his brother gripped the glass and started waving it in front of him, all caution flew to the air.

'I thought you were smarter than that, Kouji!' Kousei interrupted his thoughts in obvious annoyance.

'How could I know that holding him would make it worse? Beside he could've hurt himself.'

'That was a panic attack, Kouji. We told you not to get close. Holding someone during an attack would make them claustrophobic and even more threatened. We tried to stay away in order to reduce the stimuli that make him scared. '

'It worked before…'Kouji whispered, looking at his clenched fists.

The sun's final rays invaded the room soothingly. He had remained unconscious for few hours and that was because of exhaustion more than the injury. His brother was given some SSRIs which worked as antidepressants and allowed him to relax soon after.

Kousei sighed, rubbing his brow tiredly. 'It worked because it wasn't a full blown panic attack. He was going to reach this melting point eventually. This time he was practically forced to relive hell again.'

'How is he now?'Kouji asked worriedly, stifling a yawn and feeling dizzy more than sleepy.

'Last time I checked, he was sleeping.'

It had been a long time since he had a civil conversation with his father. The man looked even worse than him. His father had aged in the last few days out of stress that he had to wonder if he had been unfair to him before.

'Uh, thanks for not making a fuss before.' Kouji avoided looking at his father, blushing a bit.

'It wasn't his fault and making him feel guiltier would complex things even more. We'll go home tomorrow and no need for further complication.'

'Really?'Kouji asked in a rare childish manner, his eyes turned to his father hopefully. 'He won't be taken to an orphanage or anything?'

Kousei didn't reply then said in a low determined tone. 'I'm doing my best, Kouji. No one will separate you two again. I assure you.'

'Thank you,' sincere and simple. So unlike him.

Kousei smiled in return. Kouji's existence there was important to help the whole situation unfold even if it was reckless. He was just glad that Kouji wasn't in the room during Kouichi's broken narration of what had happened to him. As short as it was, Kousei's blood ran cold whenever he remembered his son's face then. His knuckles turned white from pressing too much in fury. Kouji was acting calmer than he had even hoped since Kousei expected him to explode with questions or at least to curse the doctor for the mess he had caused. But Kouji didn't ask for any explanation and that wasn't natural. Kousei's heart sank as realization hit him like a punch.

'Why did you leave his room back then, Kouji?'

Kouji who was annoyed by the drowsiness that started to get to him narrowed his eyes slightly. 'You're the one who asked me to leave!'

'And since when do you listen to anything I say?' Kousei glared backm lips pressed into a thin line.

The boy bit his lips till it turned white before he gave up, his eyes almost closing on their own. 'He didn't want me to be there.'

'Don't underestimate my intelligence, Kouji. You wouldn't leave even if he asked you to given the circumstances so spill it!'Kousei almost yelled.

Kouji's eyes darkened and gritted his teeth, his body trembling, voice small and shaken as if afraid to reveal a dark secret. 'I-I heard you talking with Takashi-sensei.'

That explained it. Kouji knew all along. He had left the room because he knew that Kouichi didn't want him to listen to what he had known already. Kousei stared in disbelief. His mouth opened in a hopeless attempt to say anything that would lift this stifling silence but couldn't find a word. He felt pathetic. Why should his sons suffer while he could do nothing? He didn't deserve to be their father.

A hesitant, almost uncharacteristic hug was the only thing he could offer. It was the only reply to his son's nightmarish confession.

Kouji broke down, tears falling slwoly for the first time in front of his father in such a horribly long time. 'I'm not the one who needs this hug.'

Kousei hugged him even tighter and whispered, his own tears trickled to fall against the child's clothes. 'No one would hurt him again. I'll protect both of you at any cost. I promise.'

The embrace didn't last long. Both of them felt a bit awkward at the affection since neither of them was used to take off his mask in front of the other. Both used to keep their distance so the sudden express of feelings was unfamiliar.

'He had been thrugh much. The least we owe him is a different life.' He muttered sympathetically.

The older man stared skeptically. 'You feel sorry for him?

Kouji titled his head towards his father slightly, a scowl still persistent as the fallen mask started to take place. 'Who wouldn't?

'Is it sympathy then?'

'I don't know,' he admitted. 'Would it make any difference? If being his brother would rescue him from that pit of hell, I would do my best.'

'But he wouldn't like it. He needs love and compassion not an act out of sympathy,' Kousei inserted, his voice rising and disappointed.

'it doesn't matter. I-I just hate seeing that look on his face,' he raised his right palm and covered his face as if afraid to reveal something dark. 'It's my face but with a torn, lifeless expression that I'd do anything to wipe! He's going to give me a chance. I know that and I'll do whatever I can to help. I've been so awful to him.'

'Kouji.' Kousei was shocked and he didn't know how he could help his son get his emotions placed properly.

'He'll get the care and attention he deserves so that sickening face would be gone forever,' He breathed in desperate irritation, afraid of his own motives, even startled by his intake of their relationship.

That was a harsh way to put it, Kousei thought but he knew that it wasn't easy for Kouji to completely discard his masks. He could hardly understand his feelings or others and it was near impossible to get to his core without cracking something inside him so anything he could offer his brother should be appreciated even if it wasn't the most healthy way at taking things but he deeply believed that this sympathy would be merely a step to form a deep, inseparable link between his sons. Just how they should be.

Kouji rubbed his eyes to stop them from closing. 'Why am I so sleepy?'

Kousei grinned a bit, glad for the change in topics. 'Because of the medicine the nurse had given you. It's supposed to keep you asleep till morning.'

'What?' Kouji's yell came weak due to another stubborn yawn. 'But I had to see Kouichi now,' he added in fearful concern, trying and failing to master the energy to stand.

Kousei smile widened as he pushed him gently. Of course Kouji cared so deeply even if he couldn't understand or admit the reasons. The expression on his face just now was of pure, innocent worry. Let it be sympathy or whatever, they'd handle whatever difficulty they face in re-establishing their bond without him interfering.

'Now, son, it wouldn't do you two any good if you collapsed and don't give me that look, I know you aren't getting enough sleep, if any at all!'

Kouji cursed audibly, receiving a scolding look before giving up, too tired to fight back.

Kousei made to leave and gave his back to his son but before he opened the door he turned to him with a grateful smile. 'I'm sure you two will manage to break through this. He's so lucky to have you, Kouji.'

Kouji smiled back sadly and shrugged helplessly. 'Yeah…sure.'

'Minamoto-san!'

Kousei stopped, turned back and smiled at the doctor apologetically. ' I'm sorry for the mess, sensei.'

He had just left Kouji sleeping and was heading to check on his other son. These few days were certainly eating on him. He could hardly find time for work but that was the last thing he cared about.

'It's all right. I should've seen that coming,' the doctor sighed and motioned to the man to take a seat on the nearby bench which made Kousei even more worried. 'Is Kouichi okay?'

The older man smiled. 'You really do care about him. I'm sure you were going to his room right now. You'd make a great father to him,'

Kousei took a breath, keeping his answers short. 'I'll do my best.'

'I've been working in this department for more than thirty years and I know exactly when a man is a good father. Children sense that very well even if they lack the ability to express it .'

Kousei nodded, worried about where their conversation was heading to.

'I thought you'd yell at him or at least look angry when he hit your son but the contrary happened. There was no way you could expect your son's wound to be a mere scratch with all the blood there.'

Minamoto Kousei swallowed. 'I didn't want him to feel guilty. He wasn't to be blamed besides Kouji made things worse by his interference.'

'You were right. He kept asking about Kouji's condition to the point that we were worried he'd have another attack out of worry. Both of you mean a lot to him even if he doesn't say it.'

The doctor looked at him analytically and narrowed his eyes. 'I can't help but wonder about the secrets you're so intent to hide. You want to adopt Kouichi-kun desperately as if your life would go downhill otherwise.'

Kousei started to say something but the doctor stopped him immediately. 'However the look you were giving him is no different than the look you're giving your own son…'

'I want to give him a proper life. Is that a strange thing?'

The doctor shook his head. 'No, it isn't and that's why I don't care about your secrets anymore. The hospital's report will recommend immediate adoption. He would be released tomorrow if nothing new occurred.'

'Isn't it a bit early? He's-'

'He needs a home not a hospital. We can't afford him anything else. I doubt he would try to commit suicide again. His psychological state isn't that stable though so I'll prescribe some antidepressants but be careful they can be addictive. Keep them away from him.I think he had been using them recently to control the attacks. Despite the low level of drugs in his blood, I can't imagine someone like Kouichi taking them.'

Kousei nodded slowly, glad that he was so good at keeping his neutral mask. 'Yeah. I believe so.'

The doctor continued. 'He also needs excessive therapy sessions. I suggest you look for a trustworthy psychologist as soon as possible and keep an eye on him.'

'We'll be careful. I assure you.!'.

The doctor gave a sincere smile. 'Normally, we'd rather suggest sending him to an orphanage for a few months so he can be observed and put under your care if it was proper before you could be his legal guardian,' he looked at Kousei and gave a small smirk. 'However after the last events, I don't think Kouji-kun would let us do that. It was the first time, I've seen someone with enough recklessness to get near a panicked patient in that dangerous state. Kouji-kun is lucky to get away with a simple wound.'

'We'll take care of him. You have my word.' Kousei promised.

'I'm sure you will, Minamoto-kun.'

Kouichi felt extremely lonely and that was saying something since he thought he had already reached the bottom of loneliness. It seemed there was a level that he didn't think it existed. His arms were wrapped tightly around his legs, his head rested upon his knees, bangs covering his eyes bitterly. He hugged himself tighter in order to stop the inner freezing cold. He got so used to Kouji's presence that the absence of him made his heart ache not that he wanted to admit it. Even when silence controlled their time together, he was unconsciously content but now he felt empty. The nurse assured him that Kouji was sleeping and his wound wasn't serious.

He was told that Kouji was given medicine that would keep him asleep all night. He needed rest and Kouichi knew well how much the other was deprived from such pleasure. It was past midnight and when his own medication's effect faded, he couldn't go back to sleep.

He felt extremely guilty that he wanted nothing but to disappear and change what he had done. Guilt? So this was how Kouji felt around him? The desire to make up for the past was due to feeling guilty just like how Kouichi was blaming himself for what he did at the moment. It had been his fault regardless of what others said. Now they were equal. He had hurt Kouji more than how the other had hurt him. Physically at least. So Kouji had no reason to feel regretful. Kouji's conscience would relax after this incident and there would be no reason for him to force himself to be around Kouichi anymore. It was over and a small part of him was glad that it ended before he get unnecessarily attached to his brother. Kouji's words earlier were just out of shock. He didn't mean any of them.

Kouichi was so lost in thought that he didn't notice the door open or the figure that entered the room.

'Missed me?' A teasing voice asked suddenly, startling him.

All thoughts fled him immediately. He raised his head a bit, his bangs still obscuring his vision. Any level of self control couldn't hide the smile that forced its way to his lips.

Kouji had never seen anything like that before. A purely genuine smile that was brighter than a thousand stars. It was enough to make his heart flutter with incredible joy. He didn't expect the sincerity or the way the other's eyes lightened in happiness that his corny smile faded slowly, leaving him dumbfound, jaw slightly open. He didn't care about how stupid he looked for he wanted to remain like that forever. One thing occurred to him in that state of shock. He would protect that smile no matter what and at any cost. Anything to prevent the broken, doll-like from killing that ethereal smile.

Kouichi, surprised by his own reaction, turned away, blushing and muttered a soft, 'You just startled me…'.

Kouji frowned. He wanted to see that smile again and again. When was the last time his brother had smiled like that? Weeks? years?

He shrugged the thought and smirked. 'Oh, I'm hurt!'

He was glad that Kouichi was looking away so he didn't notice him walking clumsily to the chair as if he was drunk. He scowled and practically collapsed on the chair making it squeak under his weight. His head rested heavily on the chair's back, face gazing hazily at the ceiling while his arms fell limply by his sides.

'Are you all right?' Kouichi asked, looking at the bandages on the other's head guiltily.

He was far from all right. He couldn't open his eyes properly and walking all the way here drained him completely. He needed to sleep so badly and his voice was so distant as if coming from an ocean yet he mumbled with a noticeable slur. ''m fine. Need to sleep for five minutes.'

'But…But your head and you look tired. I-I'm sorry!'

'Don't ever say that again! It's not your fault.' Kouji's glare came too tired that his words' effect was even more stressed.

Kouji shook his head a bit, trying to make his thoughts clearer. Bad idea. A headache attacked him. His fingers pressed against his brows loosely. 'Headache. Nothing big. Medication makes me sleepy.'

Kouichi breathed in relief and whispered. 'Then shouldn't you be sleeping in your room instead of a chair?'

'A nightmare woke me up.' he answered simply. Dizziness made him unable to think coherently. After all, Kouji would never admit having a nightmare if he was thinking straight.

His consciousness started to slip slowly. The chair was far from comfortable but he didn't care. He had to stay beside Kouichi. He couldn't leave him alone. Not again. Kouji, couldn't stand not making sure that his brother was fine.

Kouichi took a deep breath and stepped out of his bed, disconccenting the IV that was attached to his wrist. He lost his footing momentarily due to the lack of practice. Regaining his balance, he knelt on the cold floor in front of Kouji so they were somehow on the same level. 'You shouldn't sleep on a chair,' He bit his lips nervously.' Your headache would get worse.'

Kouji gazed at him, hidden guilt came back to the surface. 'So you do worry about me.'He closed his eyes and muttered. 'If getting injured would make you show this face, I don't mind getting hit again.'

'Don't be ridiculous!' the short haired pre-teen felt even more guilt and glared at him angrily before standing in attempt to reach the door. 'I' ll call a doctor.'

A vice-like grip caught his wounded wrist as adrenaline rushed to his vines and Kouji hissed in a warning 'Don't!'

Kouji winced at the tone he used and released the other's arm instantly. 'I'm sorry. Didn't mean to scare you again.'

Kouichi titled his head slightly. 'I'm not scared of you. Not anymore.'

Kouji's mouth gapped a bit at him before Kouichi smiled and kneeled back in front of him. 'Fine. No doctors. But at least don't sleep on the chair.'

'Got used to it.'

Another sigh and a small mental battle before taking his decision. 'You can sleep on the bed.'

Kouji's eyes widened. 'You won't be comfortable.'

'It's either that or I call a doctor. Besides we shared a bed before,' he added the last part, blushing slightly.

'So you remember?'

A shrug. 'Not really. A part of me thought it was a dream.'

It was true. He had woken up later that night to find himself next to Kouji but as exhausted as he was he shrugged it off, believing it to be a dream. After all, he couldn't imagine the worried expression on Kouji's face. It felt so out of place when it came to him but getting to see him without masks the last few days made that dream seem real which Kouji affirmed by his question.

Kouji nodded and tried to stand only to stumble but Kouichi helped him till he was settled on the bed. A comfortable pillow was put under his head gently and the blankets were tightly covering him. He was so tired that he wanted to collapse then and there. Yet he managed a soft smile and a clipped whisper, 'Thanks for…trying…'

The rest of his words were lost to blankness as he went unconscious

The unspoken words were understood without a need to be uttered.

Thanks For trying to afford more than simply accepting my presence passively.

Kouichi sat next to him and leant against the wall, his heart and mind clashed mercilessly. 'I won't regret it, right Kouji?'

His question vanished into the darkness around them.

Author Note

Hello, dear readers *gives cookies for everyone* Thank you so much for reading and an even bigger thank you to everyone who thinks this story is worthy and deserves a short review in order to help me keep going.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter so far.

BTW; I made my research, panic attacks differ in the degree and the severity. Not everyone suffer the same symptoms. What Kouichi suffered was a full-blown panic attack while the ones before weren't as tense. Beside It's not recommended to hold someone during an attack especially if that person isn't used to the touch. It's also advisable to let the phase end, try to reassure the patient that it'll pass(not always helpful if part of the symptoms is feeling detachment to the world) before taking any step to help the patient. Usually that be using medication and therapy.