Chapter 8: Greene is the New Black

Hershel wailed in agony. He was flying through the air, but not like a bird, more like an old crippled man who was shot out of cannon in a Canadian reality television program. He flailed his legs (sorry...leg) and hoped to God that he'd land on something soft, like a mattress. To comfort him through this trauma, Hershel closed his eyes and imagined safely landing on a tempurpedic mattress at Bob's Discount Furniture. He'd land under the covers and sleep peacefully for a while. After a few hours, he'd calmly wake up and Bob would feed him cookies in bed. It was perfect. Hershel couldn't wait to land at that point.

Fifteen minutes of air soaring later, Hershel began descending towards a large structure smelling of chocolate. "Oh boy," he thought. "I'm about to get me one of Bob's famous triple chocolate cookies. I can smell it." He fantasized this delight one more time as he crashed face first into a stained glass window and dove into a river of chocolate.

Hershel couldn't remember much after that. He saw brief flashes of light and heard echoes of voices in his unconscious state. "The fuck do you mean he's in the chocolate river," he heard. "Did he even have a golden ticket?" "I want to go home mommy," said another voice. "There's a monster in the river." "No Augustus, don't try to save him. Oh God, my baby boy, he's dead!"

Hershel hit his head so fucking hard in the river that it caused permanent damage. It wasn't long until a gang of Oompa Loompas dragged Hershel's unconscious body out of the chocolate river. He was instantly recognized. "Hey! That's the asshole who was laughing at George Floyd's murder at Femboy Hooters", one of the Oompa Loompas said out loud. "Hey, I've got a funny ass idea", another concerned, "let's convince this dude that he's not covered in chocolate, but that he's actually black!" The Oompa Loompas laughed in unison and agreed to prank Hershel.

About 20 minutes later, Hershel finally woke up. The chocolate covering his body had hardened and wasn't going anywhere. As he opened his eyes, he noticed he was surrounded by the group of Oompa Loompas. They began to sing:

"Oompa loompa doompety doo

I've got news that will disturb you

Oompa loompa doompety dee

If you are wise you'll listen to me

What do you get when you're racist and mean

Laughing at a man being killed in the streets

Now you are black, like a Bombay cat

What do you think will come of that

I don't like the look of it

Oompa loompa doompety da

If you're not racist, you will go far

You will live in happiness too

Like the Oompa Loompa Doompety do

Doompety do."

Hershel was in complete shock. "BLACK!? I'M…I'M…NO! THIS CAN'T BE! I'VE BEEN CURSED!?" Hershel frantically grabbed one of the Oompa Loompas by his suspenders. "TELL ME HOW TO MAKE ME WHITE AGAIN!" The Oompa Loompa could barely hold back his laughter. "If you wanna be white again, you're going to have to devote your life to learning about black culture," he snickered. "Once you have convinced the world that you're an ally of Black Lives Matter, we can reverse the spell." The other Oompa Loompas had to leave the area immediately, on account of how hard they were laughing at this traumatized old fool. Hershel sunk to the ground and cried out "What the hell am I gonna do?"

5 Years Later

Hershel took off his glasses for a moment and looked up at his class. "Alright, now which one of you children can tell me what year the Birmingham Campaign took place in the fight against racial segregation?" An eager student raised both his hands up in the air. Hershel sighed. "Okay, anyone else besides Cookie know the answer to this one?" A young girl looked up and nodded. "Mr. Greene, every black person in America knows that the Birmingham Campaign took place in the year 1963." Hershel dropped the ruler from his hands and clapped in approval. "Nicely done Numbah 5." And can anyone tell me the impact of the movement and what it did for blacks in the United States?" Cookie was so eager to speak, he skipped the whole 'raising your hand part', and spoke aloud like a boombox with tourettes. "Well Mr. Greene, being a black man for so many decades, and probably participating in these protests as well, you must know that this movement was highly televised and therefore exposed just how horrible racism truly is. As a result, many local governments changed their discrimination laws, paving a pathway for change on the federal level."

As Cookie finished his history lesson, Static Shock climbed into the classroom from the window and made his way to his seat. "Sorry I'm late Mr. Greene. I was out fighting the KKK with Green Lantern and Cyborg at a Black Lives Matter protest." Hershel waved away the apology, "Now now young man, there is no need to apologize about fighting for what's right and standing up against evil institutions." He looked up at the ceiling vent. "It's okay Miles, the same goes for you too. You can come out now." The young Spider-Man crawled out of the vent and swung into his seat.

After about 10 minutes, the bell rang and students began to exit Hershel's African American Civic Engagement Fear of the Walking Infinity Lives Matter Civil Rights Civil War II class. Every student left except Cookie, Miles, Numbah 5, and Static shock. They all approached Hershel. "Can I help y'all? Be sure to read chapter five!" Cookie spoke up. " , we've all been thinking and… we think you should run for student body president!" Hershel was confused. "Student body president!? But I'm a professor!" Static Shock spoke up. "Obviously, but you could identify as a student and launch a campaign! You know how left-leaning this school is, they'll let you do that!" Numbah five then began to speak. "We've been talking with the other students in student council and they all think you'd make an amazing president! You're so smart and forward thinking, you could really make this school a better place!" Hershel thought for a moment. "Okay ya know what, why the fuck not!?" The five began to cheer! Miles spoke up. "Mr. Greene! I can make some videos for your campaign and air them at the school!" Cookie chimed in. "I'm pretty tech savvy myself, I'll help ya Miles!" Static Shock joined in. "I'll spread the word! And let everyone know that you identify as a student now! Do you wanna change your pronouns too?" Hershel replied. "Thanks shock, but I'm pretty happy with bein' a zey." Numbah five was the last to speak. "After school today, come by the student council room and we'll work on your policies!"

It had been a week. Hershel's campaign was nearly flawless. All he had to do was debate a fourteen-year-old and take the prize. At the auditorium, kids were going crazy as they saw their hero, Hershel Greene, limp by. About 90% of the students wore t-shirts with Hershel's face on it which read "Greene is the new black." There were posters everywhere, and the room was full of students screaming Hershel's name.

He finally made his way to the stage. His competitor, Reggie from the Fat Albert movie, was already there and had begun to address the school. "Listen y'all, this position is for Student. Body. President. Ain't no one letting me lose this old, raggedy-ass man, who I might add is a professor and not a student." Hershel was pissed. This boy was attacking Hershel based on his appearance alone. His policies didn't matter, the content of his character didn't matter, Reggie was agist. This reminded Hershel of a time long ago, when he was white and how he treated his ex husband and people of color everywhere. Something had to give.

Hershel grabbed the mic from Reggie and gave the crowd his attention. "What this young man is saying is hateful, intolerant, and the last thing that needs to be heard right now. My people, our people, are dying in the streets each and every day. If we resort to name calling and hate, well, we ain't no better than our oppressors of old. And to combat what you said before Reggie, yes, I am a professor, but more importantly, I am a student at heart, learning each and everyday just how hard our people have it and what we can do to pave the way for a better tomorrow." The room erupted in applause. Hershel was on a roll. "I may be old guys, but I have a few new ideas that may help out this school." He saw just how happy everyone in the school was and he knew that so much more could be done. "Nah fuck it guys, I ain't done yet. I'm taking our little campaign here to the white house, soon to be the black house, and I'm gonna run for the title of President of the United States."