Chapter 8

It was the first Thursday of May when Chihaya ran to Taichi's cram school to deliver her speech.

It was the second Tuesday when the thoughts of her reappeared, making him walk into Hanano and then forget to visit the library.

It was the second Friday of May now.

And things were not going well.

Excuses again, he scolded himself for what must have been a thousandth time in the course of the past week as he entered his classroom after the lunch break. You know what you're supposed to be doing, you're just too lazy to execute it. So snap out of it and stop whining, or all of this work will have been for nothing.

He made his way towards his seat, which this semester happened to be at the very back of the classroom. Never the one to try and escape his teacher's attention, he was grateful for the arrangement this time, as it at least meant fewer people actively watching the change in his posture and the inattentiveness he succumbed to so easily these days. The fact that Komano was seated on the exact other side was unfortunate of course; but then again, Taichi certainly felt safer without his former club mate observing him in such a close proximity.

Though on the other hand, the additional supervision might have been helpful in getting him to focus again.

Just stay concentrated on the lesson and it will be fine, he told himself, taking out his notebook and pencil. It's science, so it shouldn't be too difficult, since that's actually connected to med school. Plus, nobody in their right mind would try to zone out in Taeko-sensei's class.

Fortunately for Taichi, it was that very moment when his teacher chose to enter the classroom, effectively calling his attention before he succumbed to the musing of a certain fair-haired girl he knew that did dare to space out. A tail of tardy students was following right behind her – their shouts and laughter still loud despite the time and closeness to the presumably severe teacher. He saw Taeko turn around and glare at them, but all it did was cause another chuckle from the students, answered in turn by Taeko's sigh and an impatient wave of her hand.

Just what might have been expected from the members of the tennis club and their long-time advisor and coach.

Taichi couldn't help but smile at the sight.

It really wasn't far off from what her relationship with the karuta club was right now.

The commotion they all made upon coming was neither particularly grand or exceptional, yet just as the new seat arrangement, it certainly brought some peace into Taichi's mind. The more was happening around him, the smaller was the chance of anyone paying attention to him – and seeing how easily he switched from one mood to another these days, having people ignoring him was the best he could hope for.

Just imagine his classmates seeing him – him, Mashima Taichi, the always cool and composed top student in their year! – murmuring to himself angrily, or banging his head against the desk like he'd done at home!

He might have been done pretending, but it certainly didn't mean he felt like making a spectacle of himself.

Still, it looked like he was safe now. Even after the initial commotion had quieted down and the lesson commenced, there was nothing that might bring unwanted interest to him. He followed his teacher's orders; he listened to his classmates' questions and answers and replied succinctly whenever he himself was asked. He made notes, marked the important parts, wrote down the list of his homework tasks. There was nothing extraordinary about his behaviour or the lesson itself, save perhaps for the few instances of Taeko-sensei glaring and reprimanding which, in all honesty, had pretty much become a tradition by now.

And if Taichi felt that she was watching him more closely than the rest of the class, then well, there was nothing he could do about it.

The rest of the day seemed to go by the same formula. The English class was uneventful; Maths bordered on dull. His classmates were cheerful and noisy, though somehow managing not to go too far, to the point where their teachers only raised their voices when reminding them of how close the exams were and how important it was for them to make studying their priority now, as if they hadn't been hearing that phrase for more than a month now.

Even the PE lesson somehow managed to end without anything worth speaking of happening, despite the third-years being nearly notorious in regards to various accidents happening during that particular class.

Well, he had recently experienced enough drama to last him a lifetime; he certainly wasn't going to complain about having some peace around.

Now, back in his uniform, Taichi was finally free to leave the school grounds, only to remember that he was supposed to stop by the teacher's room to pick up some science-oriented magazines from Taeko-sensei.

"For future reference," she had said when she'd caught him going to the gym, though what exactly she'd meant, Taichi was not sure. He hardly understood why she should wait all that time instead of simply letting him know after their own lesson, either, but chose not to think too much about it. She was clearly trying to help – even if it was her concern for him that sparked it, who was he to reject the offer she'd made?

At this point in time, he was ready to accept all academic aid that was offered to him.

And so he turned around and changed his aim, walking briskly towards the main building, with every intention of taking care of this current business as swiftly and straightforwardly as possible. After all, Fridays were one of his busiest days, especially now that it meant adding practice with Master Suo to his already lengthy cram school hours – not that he was complaining about that particular exercise – and therefore, every quarter seemed to be of significance to him.

He was grateful for the workload; still, there was only so much he could pack into his schedule at this point.

Funny how he'd once believed he'd have more time for himself after leaving the club.

Although, now that he thought of it, he did. In a way, at least. Not only because focusing on his grades and exams rather than tournaments was seen as a wise way of investing in his own, personal future, but because he was finally starting to feel like it was something he himself had chosen to commit to. The bright vision also seemed to appear a little more real every time he turned his thoughts to it – a little more desirable – a little more worthwhile.

For the sake of clarity: he wasn't suddenly overjoyed by the prospect of doing so. He hadn't miraculously found his vocation, nor had he changed his views on it overnight. He was well aware that the choice had never really been his, that the most probable reason why he had come to accept it was the way his parents had planned it over the years. Their never-ending talks, the way they would always brag about his achievements to their friends and family, never failing to mention the bright career that clearly was the only possible one they foresaw for him.

And for the longest time, Taichi had been perfectly fine with that. He knew that it was more than ambition that made his parents wish for that particular path for him, that this was their way of looking out for him, as imperfect as it certainly was. He didn't hate the idea either and with time, he'd even begun to think of it as satisfying.

One could say he'd resigned himself to it.

He was content enough about it.

Not every man's job must be his passion, after all.

And yet, the past weeks, and especially his most recent breakdown had got him thinking. It wasn't even that he was suddenly having second thoughts, or that he was seriously considering giving up on the medical school. He'd met enough doctors in his life (Dr. Harada being a prime, albeit eccentric, example) to know that one could be a good one without necessarily dreaming of it since they learned how to walk. He'd seen devotees, ready to sacrifice their sleep and family life in order to serve their community; he'd come across ones that looked like they were bored by their patients' visits while in truth they were simply awaiting a nice evening spent in the company of their wives.

Of course, he had also met those who clearly hated their job, and only stuck around because the pay-check was high enough – those, however, hadn't yet managed to shake his confidence effectively.

So yes, that part hadn't changed. He was still going to attend the cram school and he definitely wasn't going to take it easy while preparing for his exams. The alteration wasn't in his goal.

Just like his struggle for bravery, however, the goal itself no longer seemed to suffice.

It seemed empty instead.

Was it really surprising that he wished to fill it up?

The main entrance finally came into his view, bringing Taichi's attention to his surroundings once more, as well as the task he was fulfilling. Shaking his head vigorously as if to get rid of the remaining traces of his daydream, he picked up his pace, remembering his earlier resolution not to waste his time unnecessarily.

Focus, Taichi, he commanded himself. Get the materials. Go to the cram school. Meet Master Suo and then go home. Study.

And then you may think of why you're actually doing it.

He had almost reached the door when he was suddenly stopped mid-step, as he heard someone call out to him. Taken aback, he turned around instinctively, only to be surprised even further by the sight of Oe Kanade sprinting towards him. The encounter would have been unexpected enough if she had been walking peacefully; now, with the speed she had approached him with as well as the heavy volumes he noticed in her arms, it was downright astonishing.

Really, what was it with his schoolmates constantly carrying their books in their hands and not inside their bags?

"Ma-shi-ma-SAN!" she cried out as soon as she came near him, her breath ragged and her voice raspy. "I'm so happy you heard me, I thought that you wouldn't!"

A thought of game sense and hearing appeared in his mind, but Taichi chose to disregard it.

"You weren't that far off, I'm sure you'd catch up to me even if I hadn't," he replied instead, a small though sincere smile showing on his face. "I'm still glad that I did. And I'm very glad to see you again, too."

Kanade returned the smile, even though it was clear she had yet to calm down completely. "So am I. It's been a while, hasn't it?"

Taichi's response came in the form of a soft hum and a gentle nod of his head. Curious as well as delighted with this sudden encounter, he eyed his friend for a while, half expecting a question or a news to be thrown at him as soon as she regained some control over her respiratory system. She had seemed rather determined to get to him – the only rational conclusion was that there was something specific that she wanted to talk to him about.

No words came however, and (of that Taichi was sure) it was not only due to his companion's condition.

"Do you need help with these?" he asked eventually, his eyes stopping at the thick books she was holding again, determined to maintain the conversation, even if only for a short while. Noticing the school bag Kanade was carrying with her as well, he could only feel glad he had proposed his aid. "They look pretty heavy to me. I'm going inside, I can come with you and deliver them wherever you need me to."

In an instant, Kanade's eyes were on him again.

"No!" she exclaimed, unexpectedly, and one might say, much too zealously.

Taichi couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at her.

"No?"

"No. I mean – I mean, no, thank you. I'll manage to do it on my own," she explained hurriedly, clearly aware of the little blunder she'd made. "I appreciate the offer, of course, but if you could just hold the door for me, it would be more than enough."

"No need to ask for that," Taichi muttered in response. His lips were still curled up in a smile, the amusement caused by her actions still surpassing the concern that appeared in his mind as soon as he fully comprehended her reaction. Yet, he was concerned. Not worried, not distressed.

But he certainly wished to know why she reacted the way she did and whether it had anything to do with him, as he supposed it did.

Maybe he was becoming paranoid but heck, did he wish people had stopped worrying so much about what they were saying in his presence.

It kind of hurts more that way.

He opened the door for her in what he hoped was a nonchalant, casual way. Kana stepped over the threshold eagerly, a grateful expression taking place of the abashment that could have been seen on her countenance earlier. Taichi followed right behind.

"Thank you for that. I'd stay to chat but I really need to get to the library before the practice starts," the girl said apologetically as soon as their eyes met again.

"Everyone seems to be in a rush these days," Taichi replied simply, recalling his last meeting with another karuta club member. "I was actually wondering why you were going this way though, when the clubroom is in the exact opposite direction. This kind of explains it, I suppose. Though then again..."

"Yes?"

"Why run to it now instead of simply coming after the practice is done? It's not like you'll be playing until after the library is closed, is it?"

He expected her to be surprised by the question. He thought she'd look away and fix her eyes on the floor or that she at least would tighten her grip on the books sheepishly, in the same fashion Hanano had done last week. Given her earlier exclamations, Taichi felt like his assumptions were well-grounded – and yet, like so many times before, he turned out to be completely, perfectly wrong.

For Kanade didn't turn away.

"I need to give those to Chihaya-chan," she said simply instead, indicating the volumes she held.

It was such a plain thing to say and yet, Taichi couldn't help but think that she'd needed to harness all of her strength to utter that supposedly banal statement.

His eyes widened when he realised the full implication of her words. The rush she'd been in; the clear, heavy suggestion that became apparent the moment it was combined with what she'd just said. The possibility – the idea – that had entered his mind and would have given explanation to everything if only he had dared to accept it, but at the same time, one that was just too ridiculous to be taken for anything more than just another product of his overly active imagination.

He really needed to pull himself together.

"The way you say it, someone might think she was skipping practice for studying," he replied a bit hastily, forcing a cheerful, almost playful tone once more. "You've only just said that there is practice today, haven't you?"

Kanade nodded.

"Then why run all the way to the library now instead of just waiting for her in the clubroom?"

Now she looked away from him. However, it still wasn't anything like his encounter with Hanano had gone. It wasn't awkward, it wasn't charged with energy. Kana wasn't stumbling over her words the way their younger friend had, simply because she wasn't speaking at all – and the more time had passed, the heavier and more uncomfortable the silence became.

It was unsettling, though why exactly, he couldn't yet know.

After all, it wasn't like his stupid guess from a moment ago could have been anywhere near being true, was it?

"You don't know, do you, Prez?" he heard her ask quietly, the old nickname slipping in regardless of her will. Still, as focused as he was on her words, Taichi hardly paid any attention to it, either. "She didn't tell you?"

Once again, he froze in his place.

Was he right?

"Tell me what?" he answered with a question of his own, intentionally ignoring the absolutely incomprehensible quickening of his pulse. "What is it that I don't know again?"

She didn't say a word. A second passed, then another, and one more. Those few seconds then became one full moment, turning into a long or even lengthy while, and even then, Taichi still had not received a reply to his inquiry, regardless of the intensity with which he was boring into his companion's face. He saw a glint of hesitation flashing in her eye, a barely perceptible quivering of her lip. An almost non-existent twitch of her head, as if she had wanted to turn towards him again, but changed her mind before she could act on it.

Not a word, however. Not a sound.

Just what possibly could she have to say that it might cause such reluctance on her part?

"Chihaya-chan has left the club," she said eventually; Taichi felt the air leave his lungs from the shock, the occurrence probably being the only reason why he didn't interrupt her on the spot. "Two or three weeks ago, she resigned. She said that she needed to focus on her grades more this year and that she couldn't reconcile studying and karuta practice at the same time; not for now, anyway. Nishida-kun and Komano-kun were so shocked, they tried to convince her to stay, but she just wouldn't listen. Even when we offered to help her study, even after Takeo-sensei interfered... Chihaya-chan would not give up."

She made a short pause, as if she was remembering something – or rather as if she was wondering whether or not she should voice the next thought that came to her mind. If Taichi had enough comprehension left in his paralysed brain, he would have seen the indecision in her eyes intensify, and maybe even urged her to speak up with a gaze of his own.

Being as he was now, however, he could do little more than stare.

"She did what?" he managed to stammer eventually. "No, wait, I must've misunderstood. Or did you really just say that Chihaya had left the karuta club?"

The look Kanade gave him was as sad as it was understanding.