Delphine

Late July 2007

The drive back had seemed oddly short, especially after a second day of waiting in lines and riding rides. It had been perfect, Delphine thinks, even as Cosima is swiping her parking pass to access the lot. It had been totally worth it. Especially with only two weeks left of camp and new campers arriving tomorrow morning.

Cosima pulls her CRV into park and turns off the car. "OK. That was fun. Last time I went to Disneyland I was ten. Totally worth it." Cosima is grinning madly at her and it makes her feel insanely light.

"It was. I go with my little cousins at least once a summer but I had more fun with you." It had been fun, maybe the most fun she's ever had at an amusement park. Certainly the most fun she's had in California.

They walk back to the dormitory in tired silence. It's already dark outside, Delphine muses. It's definitely later than they planned to get back. Especially knowing new campers would arrive by 8 am tomorrow.

"I'll order us a pizza for dinner?" Delphine offers. Something easy. They hadn't eaten and they need to sleep soon. And morning would come soon. They take the stairs back up to the second floor, noting that both Melissa and Katie have long returned from whatever they'd done on the weekend.

"Hey Cosima. Hi Delphine." Katie waves, plodding down the hallway in frog slippers, toothbrush and shampoo in hand. "How was Disneyland?"

"Wonderful." Delphine answers with a wide grin. "We had fun."

"Yeah it was great." Cosima agrees readily. "Do you two want dinner?"

"Already ate." Melissa yawns. "We're going to turn in soonish. We thought you'd be back hours ago. It's like 10pm."

"Yeah we are kind of late." Cosima says apologetically. "But no campers til 8 am tomorrow."

Melissa and Katie laugh it off. And they return to their shared dorm, unlocking the door, replacing their sleeping bags on the beds.

"I am exhausted." Delphine sighs lying down. "I am going to order us a pizza and then I am going to lay here until it arrives."

"Perfect. I'm going to shower." Cosima plops down her bag on her bed, throwing her rolled up sleeping bag on top.

"Alright. I'll read and go after you." Delphine has opted to give Cosima more privacy when she bathes. She doesn't need a repeat of that conversation. She wants to be more considerate, give Cosima an appropriate amount of space. Even though it's made showering a little more difficult with high weekday demands on the washrooms.

She quickly calls a pizza place she's had before and orders a large pizza and honey garlic wings. That should be a good late supper, and then she and Cosima can crash. She looks for something to read and opts to grab one of Cosima's books. The title and author are unfamiliar, but she opts to give it a try.

She opens the book and it falls open to page 24. Two photographs fall out and Delphine peers down at them. Oh! Delphine's brow furrows as she takes in the photographs Cosima had tucked into one of her books. In it, Cosima sits on the lap of another girl, their lips pressed together for the camera.

Cosima kissing a girl. The next photo is a polaroid, in it, Cosima lays behind the same seemingly naked girl, with her hands clasped over ample breasts. Cosima's face peeks over the girl's shoulder, mouth wide and smiling. Clearly Cosima's lover, Delphine acknowledges but she sits thinking, staring at the photographs she was never supposed to see. She should look away, should tuck them carefully back into the book and never mention them. She sits with the image in her mind, seeing how happy Cosima looks. She cannot quite look away, wondering what it might feel like.

Delphine is contemplating this as Cosima returns. Cosima had never mentioned a girlfriend. Or a boyfriend. Cosima… hadn't talked much about dating or sex at all. Or ever. And maybe, Delphine realizes, bringing her hands to her blushing face, that was intentional

A niggling doubt wiggles its way into her mind. The joy and delight she feels in Cosima's presence. How much she loves looking at Cosima, watching her beautiful animated face. C'est… un coup de coeur? Delphine finds herself wondering. Does she really have a crush on Cosima?

"What… what are you looking at? What happened?" Cosima stands in front of her in her pyjamas, the door swung open behind her for only a moment before the weight of it forces it closed again. Hair wet and nearly down to her shoulders.

"I was looking for something to read. I didn't mean to find it. Your photographs. Of your umm girlfriend." Delphine bows her head, she feels guilty now. She shouldn't have seen. Shouldn't know.

"Ex-girlfriend." Cosima corrects quickly. "I just… I don't know how to get rid of them. Especially the…I should just burn them. Haven't yet."

"I understand." Delphine tries to convey acceptance and understanding. She wants Cosima in her life, as her friend at the very least, and she doesn't want to ruin things. She needs this in her life.

"So, you're OK with this?" Cosima looks at her, gesturing between the two of them.

"I… I don't have a problem with it." Delphine assures her. She doesn't of course, it's just a surprise. She'd made an assumption about Cosima, and she'd been wrong. What did it matter who Cosima wanted to make love to? It shouldn't matter at all. Her own reactions aside, it wasn't anything that needed to matter. Except… Delphine sighs, looking at Cosima again, still feeling so very much the same. Maybe it did, maybe it changed things. Maybe Cosima's habit of gently reaching out to touch her meant something. Maybe… maybe something unexpected was growing between them.

"I didn't tell you… and ...I'm sorry." Cosima looks uncomfortable and it is all her fault.

"You don't need to be sorry." Delphine reaches out and squeezes Cosima's nearest hand. "You've done nothing wrong." Cosima had been afraid, Delphine realizes and she must comfort her. She quickly reaches out to bring Cosima in to what is supposed to be a reassuring hug. She kisses her cheek softly, knowing that she enjoys this a little too much.

But Cosima leans in then, and kisses her, full on the mouth. It feels better than expected. Softer than she'd imagined a kiss could be. Even the taste of Cosima's mouth was sweet. Delphine knows she should stop her, should pull away but she cannot bring herself to do it.

"Oh." Delphine breathes out.

Cosima pulls back with a satisfied expression. "Yeah."

"Cosima!" She shakes her head in warning. Her eyes wide. Why had this happened between the two of them and why couldn't she stop looking at Cosima? Maybe she was overreacting. She enjoyed the kiss, enjoyed Cosima, and… there was nothing wrong with this. Except… except being caught would be a disaster. Aunt Lisa didn't even want her around if she had a boyfriend never mind...

"What? Isn't that what we're doing here?" Cosima pulls back for only a moment. Hovering closely.

Delphine is quick to shake her head. "I can't! I've never and I can't !" She tries to keep her voice low, the last thing she wants is to be overheard. She looks to the small window, the blank white walls and finally back to Cosima. Beautiful, cheeky, intelligent Cosima. Delphine sighs despite herself. She likes her. A lot.

"Delphine… I don't care if you're a virgin. I don't. We can be together." Cosima looks tenderly at her, stroking her hair. "We don't have to do anything you don't want to do."

"I'm not a lesbian ." Delphine mutters out. "I don't know if I can be what you want me to be. "I don't even… I mean I never considered…" Homosexuality? Bisexuality? Did it have to matter?

Cosima cups her face in her hands. "We have this connection, you feel it too. So let's just… ditch the labels and enjoy ourselves."

"Ditch the labels?" Delphine repeats perplexed. They certainly have an emotional connection, Delphine considers. But it wasn't like she'd spent the last two weeks thinking about getting into Cosima's bed, no matter how beautiful and captivating Cosima is.

"We don't need to define everything or fit neatly into perfect boxes. We can just be us." Cosima pleads gently with her. "No one needs to know."

"We can just...be together?" Delphine echoes the sentiment. Being with Cosima doesn't sound scary. Cosima will be gentle with her, she knows that. It sounds right anyway, letting herself...love Cosima. Letting things just be. Not needing to be anything to love Cosima.

"Of course…" Cosima kisses her softly again and she has to respond, wrapping her arms around Cosima's small perfect body. She kisses her again and again, tongue running over Cosima's open lips and then inside her mouth. It feels good, Delphine admits to herself. Kissing Cosima feels good.

"Delphine…" Cosima moans softly, kissing her again. Letting her tongue delve into her mouth, deepening the kiss as they clutch at each other. Fingers digging firmly into hips and shoulders.

"Cosima…Tu sens si bien." Delphine murmurs between kisses. She kisses deeper, presses closer, without really meaning to.

Cosima whimpers into her mouth at the sound and it sends a flood of heat through her body, settling between her legs. Oh no… Delphine thinks for a minute.

"Cosima." She purrs instead, cupping Cosima's face in her hands as she kisses her again and again. She tries to feign confidence, experience, things she sorely lacks. But it seems to be enough. Cosima presses against her and she moans softly, which in turn excites Cosima more. It builds on its own, she barely has to think about it. It's instinct, Delphine muses, parts of it anyway.

Eventually, Cosima pushes her back by the shoulders, breathing heavily. Looking almost overwhelmed.

"Why are you stopping?" Delphine clings to Cosima as she moves to separate their bodies. Maybe she had done something wrong.

"I just… I need to stop. This is...too much right now." Cosima chokes out, lowering her head a little, hair beginning to dry into waves.

"Did I do something wrong?"

"Oh god no! I am so turned on right now," Cosima admits. "Like, insanely. You're incredible."

Delphine looks up at Cosima. "What… what should I do?" She should do something, should try to give Cosima what she wants. She's done that much before, and she didn't like him nearly as much. Maybe she should try to do something, but just for Cosima.

"Nothing. We… we don't need to do everything right now. I just… I want to take our time." Cosima tells her firmly. "I just… I want you to know how you make me feel ."

Her cell phone rings, interrupting the moment. "Yes. I'll come down to the door and get the order. Thank you." Delphine speaks into the phone.

"Do you want me to throw on sweats and get the pizza?" Cosima offers. "You could take a quick shower. Meet me back here?"

"Alright." Delphine agrees, closing her eyes. She'd been kissing Cosima, pressing her body into Cosima's and it leaves her mind spinning frantically. How can she feel like this? How is this...better than what she's done before? Maybe it is love. Or maybe she is a lesbian after all. Her ex-boyfriend hadn't made her feel this way, as tall and handsome as he was.

She opts to shower as quickly as possible. She chooses to ignore her arousal. It's better that way. No one else needs to know that. Even Cosima. She can let it be emotional between them, because it surely is. Intellectual. Emotional… everything.

She returns in her pyjamas to find Cosima waiting for her. "You're not eating?"

"I wanted to wait for you. Sit down." Cosima pats the bed beside her and Delphine awkwardly settles her long body down.

"I… I really like you, Cosima." Delphine whispers softly. Then chooses to eat a slice of still warm pizza rather than confront what they've just done. It had only been kissing, but.. It leaves her head spinning.

"You're an amazing kisser." Cosima groans, helping herself to a slice. "Like, I was not expecting that. Just… wow."

"You were… very good." Delphine blushes.

"I want you." Cosima tells her bluntly, cupping her flushed cheek in her hand. "I don't even know how to deal with how much I want you, Delphine."

"But you know…?"

"That you're a virgin who's never kissed a girl before? Yup." Cosima nods, then stops to take another bite of pizza. "That is totally OK."

"So… what do you want?" Delphine looks at Cosima closely, as if that can help her figure it out.

"Well, right now we need to eat and sleep… because it's after 11 pm and you know our new campers will run us ragged."

"Just… eat and sleep?" Delphine asks softly.

"Yeah. That's all we need to do tonight. The rest… we'll work it out." Cosima gives her a half-smile that does nothing to help her simmering arousal. Or her responding heart.

"OK." Delphine agrees. She tries to focus on the food, reminding herself how exhausted she is. And in the end she slips into her sleeping bag and wonders how Cosima is sleeping so easily? How can this have so little effect on her?

May 18th 2018

Delphine follows Cosima through Ripley's Aquarium. It feels oddly calm, tranquil, watching the many fish. Through the tunnel she feels like she could stare into the tank for a small eternity. It, at the very least, is a welcome distraction from staring hopelessly at Cosima.

"Isn't it incredible?" Cosima gestures slowly, hands tracing patterns in the air. "It just… It just makes me feel so meditative."

"It is." Delphine agrees. She stays close to Cosima, eager to follow behind to see more. She finds herself tranquil, looking at the numerous fish and sharks, taking note of the various sting rays.

"We should come back when they feed the stingrays. It's hilarious. Their little mouths chomping." Cosima mimes it out. "I love it here."

"It was worth the trip. So any more big questions?" She tries to guide things with Cosima back to a comfortable place. Something she remembers.

"Do you think we have free will?"

"Absolutely." Delphine responds. "You know I do not believe in god or fate. No puppetmasters pulling the strings directing our lives." She never has, and hopefully Cosima remembers that much.

"Yeah but, what about like… biological determinism. Instinct?" Cosima suggests flippantly. "Or like… inescapable consequences?"

"If some individuals struggle resisting their basic instincts to achieve their goals, then that is their problem." Delphine laughs. "We, as species, have free will."

"What about…" Cosima trails off, as they move to sit out of the way near one of the larger tank windows. "What about the value of people? Do we all have equal value?"

"Non." Delphine answers without thinking, likely ruining their game.

"Oh… oh no… you're one of those superiority people." Cosima begins laughing. "Are we going to have to branch into eugenics, because I am so not down with that."

"No, I am serious. There are murderers and violent criminals that should not be held to the same value as others in society." Delphine offers. "I am not saying we should kill them, but their rights and freedoms must be restricted until they are rehabilitated enough to rejoin society without reoffending."

"Oh.. well at least you're not selling out children, or the chronically ill, or the elderly… Just violent criminals?" Cosima is almost nonchalant in her response and the juxtaposition makes Delphine laugh more.

"Non-violent crime doesn't concern me." Delphine shrugs. "They violated the rules of society but it is not like they killed or assaulted anybody."

"Oh now we're getting into absolute wrong." Cosima crosses her legs and pulls her closer with one hand.

"Why?"

"Do you think killing is ever justifiable? What about in self-defense? Or a mother killing someone attacking her child? Or a woman killing her abuser?"

"Those are very specific scenarios." Delphine considers a moment. "I think… in some situations, it could be justified yes. But it becomes extremely complex."

Cosima drops her voice, knowing that a public aquarium may not be the best place for serious philosophical discussion. "Would you kill someone to protect someone else?"

"Maybe." Delphine shrugs. "It depends on how much I love them. Or the nature of the situation. Very few things in life are black and white."

"More nuanced than young Delphine." Cosima comments, she grins madly and pulls Delphine in a little more.

"I grew up, Cosima." Delphine smiles back. "I am not the young girl I was."

"You are… just older." Cosima wrinkles her nose playfully.

"I am older." Delphine agrees. "As are you, but you do not look it, ma chérie. I think you could still pass for a teenager."

"Oooh… flattery." Cosima smiles wider if anything. "So if we are open to nuance and possibility, do you think we might have souls?"

Delphine stares briefly into the tank behind Cosima, she watches the stingrays glide about, the small ones the size of salad plates, the largest ones the size of tables. How was this so perfect? Why had Cosima brought her here? How had she known?

"I will admit, it might be theoretically possible for humans to have souls. We have ...consciousness…" Delphine tries to express herself, hunting her brain for the right words to use in English. "I mean… we know energy is expelled from the body at death, perhaps the soul goes with it?" She does not, however, believe in an afterlife and won't budge on that.

"I'll take it." Cosima leans in. "Sounds like we've both been… evolving. In a good way."

"I think so." Delphine cannot help herself, she flushes a little. Something about this proximity with Cosima gets to her.

"Oh Delphine…" Cosima sighs quietly and leans in, and foolishly Delphine doesn't move back.

Instead she sits there, and Cosima's lips make slow soft contact with her own. She lets Cosima kiss her for a moment or two, lips tentatively brushing and massaging and finally something in her gives out and she kisses back.

A long forgotten feeling explodes behind her sternum, and she kisses Cosima softly, letting a hand tangle in her dreads. The rough texture surprises her, Delphine lets herself play for a moment before Cosima backs up. She inhales deeply, finding that beneath the scent of marijuana and perfume, Cosima's skin still smells the same.

"OK… You are still an incredible kisser." Cosima seems hazy, stunned, and perhaps it is only fair that she has this effect on Cosima too.

Still, it is a mistake. Delphine tells herself instantly. She is not gay, and kissing Cosima is a mistake. One she's made before. So much for overcoming her baser instincts. She knows where this leads, Delphine sighs, looking at Cosima, looking as beautiful as ever in a dark red dress. What had she been thinking agreeing to any of this?

But then Cosima says. "I am so happy we met again. I want to go out again, just the two of us. Maybe for dinner next weekend? Or a movie?"

"OK." Delphine agrees. She wants to tell Cosima it is not a date, that she cannot give her what she wants but she cannot bring herself to say it looking into Cosima's warm brown eyes. What was happening to her? She wasn't some idiotic naive 18 year old. She was a grown woman. She should be able to hang on to her better judgement in Cosima's presence.

"Do you find you're remembering more things the more time we spend together?" Cosima poses the question gently.

"Yes."

"Context dependent memory. Fun, isn't it?" Cosima teases slightly. "I… I keep remembering all kind of things about you. And… I feel so much."

"I keep thinking about it, too. You know, I still have your necklace - the heart one." Delphine smiles, glancing into the tank. The stingrays now showing off, the larger ones seemingly enjoying it. It was perfect, she thinks they should move on, explore the rest of the aquarium. Maybe she could have something with Cosima, maybe she could try again.

"I still have your virginity." Cosima grins madly. Her cell phone rings, but Cosima ignores it sitting across from her on the small ledge.

She blushes, unable to help herself. "I guess you do." Of course Cosima would feel that way. It made sense the more Delphine thought about it. But bringing it up has her feeling more and more vulnerable. She'd avoided talking about it or thinking about it for years. Why does she have to delve back into it now?

"What do you mean, you guess ?" Cosima's tone grows harsher.

"My next boyfriend… he said you didn't count because you don't have a … and sometimes I almost believed it." Delphine tells her honestly. Cosima counts as something no matter what Matthieu told her, she thinks. Cosima certainly mattered to her, it was her first real experience. She remembers being that girl, clutching at Cosima wanting nothing more than to be held in her arms. At the time, it had been everything.

"I counted. I was the first person to touch you. The first to be inside you." Cosima is blunt, clearly more than a little hurt.

"I know. I know you do. Of course you count." Delphine tries to soothe her. "But there are things you...couldn't do to me. And things were still… difficult with Matthieu." She doesn't want to give details, doesn't want to talk about Matthieu much at all, but certainly Cosima could understand that things weren't quite… done.

"So?" Cosima shoots back, seemingly more tense by the moment. "Because some boy hurt you shoving his dick inside you… that's more important to you than what was actually your sexual debut with me?"

"Non. But… it was another first. It was different." Delphine tries to soften the blow. It was different. Entirely different than what she'd experienced with Cosima. Emotionally. Physically. All of it.

"So when I was three fingers deep in you, what? That was nothing? When I put my mouth on you?" Cosima whispers softly at her shaking her head. "When we made love ? When you told me-"

"Cosima, we're in public." Delphine hisses. They cannot discuss this here. Even if the aquarium is usually quiet during workdays.

"So?"

"Anyone could hear us. There are children here." It's inappropriate. Even more so, because they are both women. No one needs to hear about that.

Cosima softens a little, trying to draw her back in. "So come back to my place. I'll make us supper. We'll drink some wine and I'll-"

"Non!"

"Just dinner and wine, Delphine." Cosima suggests. "We can… take a walk outside and then hop the subway back to my place. I think I have everything to make peanut noodles and crispy tofu. It'll be good, I promise."

Delphine shakes her head, drawing herself back up to stand. "You just want me back in your bed, totally obsessed with you again!" The problem is, Delphine admits it to herself, she could see that happening far too easily. Something about being in Cosima's presence seems to bring that back out in her, and it's terrifying.

"Delphine… We can take our time." Cosima reiterates. "I told you that."

"Let's just… walk through the aquarium. Talk about fish."

"Alright. Come on, let's go see the leafy-sea dragons." Cosima walks away, looking disappointed but Delphine steels herself against Cosima's reactions.

She has to keep their relationship platonic. The kiss was, of course, another mistake. She'd just been drawn in by old memories. By an echo of the love she once felt. She can be around Cosima, Delphine tells herself rushing to catch up with her. She just needs to be careful.