A/N: Hi. I'm sorry I'm late, a couple things came up and everything got complicated. Updates will be delayed now, but I'll do my best.
This is kinda dark.
June 1 – Monday
First day of June, summer has officially begun. Holidays start on the twelvth.
I can't wait to spend them with Bella. We could leave for a bit, maybe. I know my parents wouldn't mind; they trust me. Question is, would her dad agree? 'cuz if he does, it's settled.
Bella needs to get away from here for a bit, I think. She's not used to small town life, tiny Forks is making her claustrophobic.
Even after nine months, she hates the light out of this town.
oOo
June 3 – Wednesday
I asked B if she thinks her dad would agree to our leaving for a trip this summer. She said he might, later in the season.
She hasn't seemed so great lately. Doesn't talk that much.
oOo
June 5 – Friday
There's a huge storm outside. Supposed to last for at least a few days, not uninterrupted but on and off, with few completely dry moments. We're gonna have to move inside for a while.
oOo
June 6 – Saturday
We were at Bella's today, and I found this notebook. Title's Shards.
It's all short snippets, glimpses of her mood. The way she writes fascinates me, the words rhythmic and lulling, tearing at my chest. A quiet cry for help that she never shared. The pain in those words is entrancing.
She agreed to show me what she writes from time to time. If I swear not to say anything; no comments, no pity, no changing the way I look at her.
oOo
June 7 – Sunday
No, I'm not okay. Why the hell would I be? I believe my glasses are broken. When I look around, all I see is blurriness shattered in huge cracks. Nonsensical.
oOo
June 8 – Monday
I mean, I know I used to laugh. It's just that I'm not sure what was so funny.
oOo
June 9 – Tuesday
Why is everything suddenly so quiet? The water is blocking sound from my ears. But if I close my eyes, I can pretend that I'm home, and everyone's asleep. Now I just have to take a deep breath, and join them.
Hello, Darkness, my old friend.
Drowning is so much easier when I don't fight it.
Fuck.
I knew this was part of the appeal of the water. The idea that you could let go, that you didn't have to fight. That if you stopped kicking for even a minute at the furious beast around you, it would take you.
And Bella wants to be taken.
How close did she come, all those times she was hidden from my eyes, submerged in the embodiment of the churning, frothing turmoil in her head, to just let go? To close her eyes and breathe in, one last painful inhalation, one last aching minute, before the quiet and the dark?
The worst part, the one that hurts most, is that I know she'll go back. That fight, that temptation, and the fact that she does come out every time, victorious until she's not… Those are addictive. She's never closer to death than she is in those moments, and she never feels more alive.
I can't win here. She always does. Whether or not she takes another breath after her battle cry, she'll have won. Whatever the outcome. I'm the one in danger here. I'm the one who'll have to put myself back together if she's gone.
Somehow I've realized I can't picture Bella growing old.
oOo
June 12 – Friday
What better metaphor for emptiness and dread than that little circle you get when Internet isn't working? You beg for distraction like a junkie in withdrawal and all you get is a pitiful squiggle, always chasing, never reaching. A struggling Ouroboros that can't even self-destruct.
We were on Netflix today until the Internet stopped working and we just stared at the lagging screen like idiots. Bella had been so tense earlier and I was desperate to distract her for a while, without the cliffs. I couldn't.
Life never comes full circle, that's a lie. Full circle is everything making sense. Life is nonsense piling upon nonsense, smoking rubble. And you in the middle, blindly stumbling. Trying to create something that looked purposeful.
I could almost feel her thrashing, twisting, snarling like a cornered beast, desperate for a way out. What can I do? How do I take her hand and show her that she already is in her safe place, that she never was cornered? How do I make her see?
Have you ever seen geometry outside man's mind? Any logic was created by us, and we hold on tight, like an ant on a leaf on a furious ocean that thinks it can pretend it's on dry land.
The only reason it isn't dead yet is that the ocean thinks pathetic is funny.
I've never seen her this angry and hopeless.
Or maybe I've never seen her, period?
oOo
June 15 – Monday
My scream tears at the night,
Like the shot from a water pistol
Filled with blood.
Hot and wet, it splatters
Against the asphalt,
Forgotten.
I don't think she sees me at all anymore. She doesn't hear me when I tell her I'm here, I'll pull her out, I'll carry her to safety.
She just keeps thrashing against the quicksand, sinking faster and faster, and never noticing the ropes I toss at her.
oOo
June 17 – Wednesday
To be terrified of one's shadow.
My shadow is the essence of me, my figure but tainted with the black my soul oozes. A mirror that flips my image inside out. To be terrified of it, of the way I am, to reject it – my soul, my being, my self…
Do you not see how badly I want to tear myself away from me?
oOo
June 20 – Saturday
You can tell a lot about a person's state of mind by asking them to describe the most beautiful think they can think of off the top of their head.
Right now, I'm thinking glass shattered in a thousand tiny shiny shards, sharp as daggers, white as snow.
And three drops of crimson blood.
oOo
June 25 – Thursday
"Edward? What's the most beautiful thing you can think of?"
"Right now? A tired wave dying on the edge of the beach."
I lied. She's the most beautiful thing I can picture, always.
With happy eyes, on the roof of my house, that one night. I had to give her a hoodie.
With tired eyes, that one afternoon in the meadow. She refused to sleep before we'd heard the entire Jagged Little Pill album together.
With sad eyes, at the beach, that day I broke down because I just couldn't bear to watch her jump even once more.
With furious, burning eyes, in her backyard, that time I'd told her her reasons to die weren't enough for me.
She's always the most beautiful thing, and she's taking herself away from me.
A/N: So, yeah, darker. More of Bella's poetry coming up in futher chapters.
Also I have no idea when I'll update next, sorry