Chapter 9: Morning After...
Addison awoke with a pounding headache. Her temples were searing with pain. Light shone slightly from the closed blinds. She opened her eyes slowly but did not move. Once her vision finally focused her eyes went wide. She had no idea where she was. All she remembered was Joe's and talking to Derek. She remembered telling him she knew he would not pick her. She could not remember if she had signed the papers or how she had left or with who. She decided to get up and then noticed the slight pain from her outstretched arm.
'Who am I holding onto?' she thought to herself.
She lifted herself slightly to see over the side of bed until she saw her. Aelwyne was laying on the floor with an arm cushioning her head and the other holding onto Addison. She looked peaceful, her hair which was always up on a ponytail or bun laid free. She shifted as Addison tried freeing her hand away.
'What the hell am I doing with an intern? And why am I holding her hand? Why is she on the floor? Am I in her house? It's pretty but that's not the point Addison!'
Addison's mind was racing. Too many questions and a blaring headache. She lowered herself to the pillow with a soft huff.
"What do I do?" She whispered.
Aelwyne shot up at that and let go of her hand. She breathed heavily and looked at Addison as if trying to assert if there was something wrong.
"Are you ok? Do you need to go back to the bathroom again? I'll help you." Aelwyne said quickly, her voice hoarse from sleep.
"No I'm ok." Addison reassured.
"You're ok then? Do you need something for the hangover?" Aelwyne asked her with a smile.
"Oh god…" was all she managed to say before burying her face on the pillow.
"It's ok." Aelwyne chuckled and the embarrassment only deepened for Addison.
"It's not ok." Addison said with her face still to the pillow.
"Huh?" Aelwyne responded.
"I can't look at you." She said lifting her face and looking at the headboard of the bed.
"It's ok Addison." Aelwyne tried to help her calm down.
"You just called me Addison. Just Addison." She said finally looking at her.
"I- I'm sorry Doctor Montgomery." Aelwyne corrected herself, her cheeks turning red.
"No, actually it sounds nice. You can keep calling me that. Besides I'm guessing I'm on your bed." She said with a smile and then buried her face in the pillow again.
'I'm in her bed. She slept on the floor. Just how drunk was I? I let her sleep on the floor.'
"Addison?" Aelwyne called shyly.
Addison gathered her courage and sat up in bed which caused her whole world to shift. Her hand shot to her temple and she began leaning to the side of the bed. Strong arms held onto her just before she began to fall.
"I've got you." Aelwyne said as she steadied her.
"What did I drink?" Addison asked as she shut her eyes.
"Well you started with beer. Then you had some wine here. Then you wanted tequila. And I kinda lost count of how many." Aelwyne explained.
"You let me drink that much?" She asked Aelwyne in disbelief.
"You lied to me. I asked you to eat your sandwich but you barely took a bite and then threw it away without me noticing." Aelwyne replied with a big sigh.
"I lied. I'm so sorry." She replied trying to steady her breathing and the spinning in her head.
"Don't apologize to me. You kinda hurt yourself." Aelwyne chuckled a bit.
"It's not funny you know." Addison replied attempting to glare at her unsuccessfully.
"Ok. Ok. I'm sorry." Aelwyne smiled.
"Ok I'm feeling better. Where's the bathroom?" She asked her sitting up straight.
"Through that door. I'll go get your toothbrush and some aspirin." Aelwyne said letting go.
Addison stood up slowly and made her way to the bathroom. She was relieved when she made it and did not feel dizzy or nauseous. She went to the bathroom sink and looked in the mirror.
'God I look awful. Those bags under my eyes are even bigger than yesterday. It's not a good day. I am so alone now.' Addison spoke to herself as she looked in the mirror.
"Addison, you are so alone." She repeated out loud.
"Now that's just not true." Aelwyne said walking in with the toothbrush.
"I'm uh…" Addison tried.
"Here. And you can use the towel here. I'm gonna take mine and my toothbrush. I'll leave you some clothes to change into. I haven't put yours to dry yet." Aelwyne said grabbing her stuff and walking out, shutting the door behind her.
Addison just stared after her. She tried to contain herself but the tears just filled her eyes and began to spill out. She sat on the toilet and just let go. She cried until there were no more tears.
She was getting a divorce. There would no longer be a 'Derek and Addison'. She had failed. Unlike your parents who stayed together even when her father cheated his way through life. She hadn't been able to keep her marriage together even if it had been just once. She wanted to stay. To stay in Seattle. To teach. But she wasn't sure if she could get past seeing him with her. Was she strong enough? Would she be ok? What was she supposed to do? Would she be able to move forward here? She didn't want to decide just yet. She knew she had to but she didn't want to think about it.
There was a soft knock on the door. Addison took a deep breath, got up and went to the sink.
"Almost done." She called out as she brushed her teeth and washed her face.
She tried to use cold water to bring down the puffiness on her eyes but it did not work. So she just walked out trying to look as composed as she could.
"Sorry I didn't mean to rush you but I didn't know if you fell or something." Aelwyne said standing up from the bed.
"You can use those. Your clothes are in the dryer. There's the aspirin and some Gatorade." She continued quickly and began to walk out of the room.
Addison did not know if it was the fact that she felt alone or what but she walked fast, almost ran to catch up to Aelwyne. She crashed herself to her and wrapped her arms around her. Breathing in the scent of coconut from her hair.
"Don't leave." Her voice broke.
"Ok. I won't leave." Aelwyne said, placing her hands on top of Addison's.
"Addison. You're shaking…" Aelwyne said but Addison didn't respond she just held onto her.
"I'm not leaving but can I turn around? Can I look at you?" Aelwyne asked.
Addison did not want her to see but she loosened her grasp on her. Aelwyne turned still within her embrace and searched for her eyes but Addison did not want her to see the pain in her eyes. Aelwyne's hand shot to her forehead checking for signs of a fever Addison knew was not there.
"Are you feeling ok?" Aelwyne asked.
"No." She replied truthfully finally allowing their eyes to meet.
"I'm sorry." Aelwyne said softly and it was all Addison needed to crash herself against her once more.
Tears came again and soft whimpers escaped her lips but she could not stop. She tried. She tried so hard but she could not so she let herself go again. At some point she loosened her grip on Aelwyne. She was not sure if it was her own will or if Aelwyne had asked. But soon Aelwyne was guiding her to the bed where they sat down. Addison laid her head on Aelwyne's shoulder and continued to empty her tear ducts. Aelwyne did not speak, she just sat there with her, which Addison was grateful for.
Once Addison was done she straightened up and looked at Aelwyne. She smiled weakly at those golden eyes and Aelwyne smiled back.
"I'm sorry." Addison said, dropping her gaze.
"No need. Everyone deserves a good cry once in a while." Aelwyne said sweetly as she got up to grab the aspiring and Gatorade.
"Here you need this." She handed Addison the bottle and pills and sat next to her again.
"I'm getting a sense of deja vu. Aren't you?" Addison said drinking the aspirin.
"Not sure what you're talking about. This is the first time I lend you my shoulder." Aelwyne responded with a grin.
"Right. Anyway I am a little hungry but I don't want to keep bothering you so once my clothes are ready I can go." She replied watching as Aelwyne walked to the chest of drawers to grab some clothes for herself.
"You don't bother me. As for your hunger it's close to 11 o'clock. Maybe you want fruits or maybe chicken noodle soup?" Aelwyne said turning back to her with a smile.
"You don't have to. You've already done more than enough." She insisted.
She had taken care of her all night. She had given her clothes. She had slept on the floor and let her use the bed. Aelwyne had done so much already. She felt bad taking more.
"I know. But I want to. So I'll do it. And I'm thinking, fruits." Aelwyne countered.
"You are kinda stubborn. Aren't you?" Addison said with a chuckle. "I can use these, right?" She asked pointing at the yoga pants and shirt that lay next to her on the bed.
"My stubbornness is why you like me. And yes those are for you so you're comfortable." Aelwyne replied sweetly.
"Thank you." She replied with a smile.
Addison stood up and started changing into the pants and shirt. She took off the pajama tank top and shorts and began putting on the shirt. She heard Aelwyne's breath catch behind her.
"Everything ok?" She asked after finishing with the shirt and turning around.
"Ye- yeah ev- everything is fine." Aelwyne stammered her cheeks going beat red.
"Are you sure?" Addison asked, walking up to her.
"Yeah! Definitely. I'm going to change in the bathroom. Give me a sec." Aelwyne said, backing away a little flustered and walking to the bathroom.
Addison was confused. 'Why did she bolt like that into the bathroom. We're both women and usually she changes with the other interns. Maybe it was because I'm her boss? If it's that then it's kinda cute and sweet.' Addison pondered as she finished getting dressed.
"Ready?" Aelwyne said enthusiastically as she came out of the bathroom.
"For what?" Addison asked confused.
"Food! I'm starving." Aelwyne responded, grabbing her by the hand.
Aelwyne led her to the kitchen where she looked for fruits and made some toasts. Just as the previous night Addison stood in front of the wall covered in books.
"I gather you enjoy reading?" Addison said, still looking at the books.
"That's right. Come here, I got your stuff ready." Aelwyne called placing a plate on the counter.
"Thanks!" Addison said as she devoured the fruit and toast and water Aelwyne had set out for her.
They ate and chattered about nothing important. Addison offered to clean the plates and when Aelwyne started to protest she justified it by saying she had washed her clothes. After she was done she went back to the counter and sat next to Aelwyne at the stool.
"This is nice." Aelwyne spoke first. "I've never brought company here."
"Really? But it's such a nice place. You've never brought your friends?" Addison asked.
"No I haven't. Feel like they'd treat me differently if they knew." Aelwyne responded and Addison could tell she had reverted saying it like that.
"Knew what?" She asked, looking at her.
"Nothing." Aelwyne replied quickly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Didn't mean to pry." Addison apologized.
"It's ok. Anyway now what? Is there something you'd like to do?" Aelwyne said changing the subject.
"I guess get my clothes and get going." Addison said.
"You really want to go. Don't you? Is it because I'm an intern and you an attending? It's kinda weird being close. Being friends." Aelwyne said looking down at her hands.
"I guess there's supposed to be a line between teacher and student." She replied. "But no. I don't want to go. I just should. I have lots to think about. Decisions to make. And honestly looking at you I might get biased." She added.
"Why would you be biased?" Aelwyne asked, looking at her once more.
"Aelwyne" She chuckled. "You want me to stay. That's why. If I keep looking at your pleading eyes I'll decide based on them instead of me."
"Oh." Aelwyne simply replied.
"Aelwyne, there's something about you that keeps me from saying no. I'm not sure why but I can't look at you and tell you I'm leaving." Addison continued squeezing Aelwyne's hand.
"So you are leaving." Aelwyne replied.
And there was so much pain in her words. In her eyes. So much pain and Addison could not handle all that pain. She needed it to go away. She was angry at herself for bringing such pain to this girl.
"Dammit!" She swore getting off the stool and pacing.
Aelwyne just sat and watched her pace back and forth. She sat quietly, her hands resting on her lap now. Addison just paced her mind racing. So many questions reeling in and out. The decision that would either change her life or send her running. This girl who felt guilty of making her suffer, which was just idiotic because she had nothing to do with it. And yet she felt guilt. Guilt and pain and Addison did not understand why. That guilt and pain in Aelwyne's eyes made her so angry.
"Dammit. Dammit. Dammit." Addison repeated still pacing.
"Addison… I'm sorry." Aelwyne whispered.
"Why?" She replied, turning to her.
"Why what?" Aelwyne asked.
"Why are you apologizing? Why do you feel guilty? Why do I see pain in your eyes?" Addison asked, walking towards her.
"I- I don't…" Aelwyne tried to reply.
"You don't what? Just tell me why. Why do you care? Why?" Addison said standing in front of Aelwyne her bracing her hands on each armrest of the stool, basically trapping the girl there.
"I don't know." Aelwyne blinked her eyes watering up. "I don't know why I care. I'm sorry. I just don't want to not see you anymore. I don't want you to go and I don't know why."
Addison backed away and took in her words shaking her head. Then she walked over to the living room area and sat on the couch.
"You asked if there was something I wanted to do." She began. "I guess I just want to sit and take in that amazing view. Just as good as the one from your hiding spot. Join me?" She finished while looking out the double glass doors.
She needed to think and figure out what to do but she also wanted to stay with her. She heard movement behind her and then Aelwyne sat next to her.
"Don't decide to stay because of me. Decide to stay because you want to. This is your life. Don't let it be defined by anyone other than you. I know I just said I don't want you to go but if it is what you want then I'll want it too." Aelwyne said as she too looked outside.
"You'll want it too huh?" Addison said looking at her.
"Yes. But before you decide anything I'm going to be bold enough to ask for your lap. Because you didn't let me sleep." Aelwyne said with a smile as she lowered her head to Addison's lap.
"God I'm so sorry." Addison chuckled as she brushed Aelwyne's hair away from her face.
Aelwyne was asleep within a few minutes as Addison caressed her hair absent minded. As she did she allowed herself to think.
What did she want? How would she define her life? Was she strong enough to stay? Was she strong enough to deal with it all? She wanted to stay. If she did not then this would not be such a huge deal. If she wanted to leave that much then she would have done so already. She would not be stuck in her head. She was a doer not a thinker. She had two choices. To stay or to run. This time she actually got to decide. It would not be like when Derek left. He had decided for both of them. This time it would be her for herself.
"I could try. I could." She said out loud.
She could see where it led. She knew she was strong so she could try. This would be a change. They had been friends before anything else. Derek and her had been best friends. Maybe it could go back to that. True the both needed to heal but they could get back to it or somewhere close. Yeah she could try. She would try.
Addison kept on thinking, feeling even more sure about her decision as the minutes went by. She relaxed and kept her gaze outside until she too was asleep, her hand resting on Aelwyne's head.
And then there were 9. I know I've said time will go forward quickly but I guess it won't. You know sometimes you have ideas and then you start writing and things go somewhere different. So I guess we'll see. Also I'd like to know if you guys are ok with just having Addison's and Aelwyne's perspective alone or if you'd like more in the background. For example if something is happening with the rest of the interns and such. Anyway happy new year guys. Here's to not that many Covid cases so I can go back to being with people because this working from home thing always in my room is not so good. I sometimes miss the interactions you know. Anyway y'all have a good one. Remember to review and let me know what you think k. ;)