Kate inwardly floated on Castle's inadvertent slip of the tongue for days following Ryan's wedding. She didn't mention it to him, still a little scared of what his statement and her response meant. She knew he was it for her, but, still, she felt as if she had to earn it, earn him. Her sessions with Burke still dealt with the aftermath of her shooting and she was coping well. He taught her how to breathe through the rising tides of panic that nearly overwhelmed her at least once a day. They talked about ways to reassure herself that her nightmares were just that and help her go back to sleep. But, mostly, her time spent with Burke was spent talking about what she often referred to as "her walls."
Slowly, Burke was helping her realize that closing her mom's case likely not bring her the closure she so desperately wanted. Even if she caught the person who ordered her murder, this so called "Dragon," her mom would still be gone. Arresting him or her, sitting through the trial, and watching as a jury found that person guilty would not bring her mom back. On some level, Kate knew her mom would not want her to pursue the killer, especially not if it was going to cost Kate her life. She knew her mom would want her to let the case go; want her to live a life encumbered by the shadow of her murder. She knew all this and yet couldn't accept it; couldn't get past it. Her mom's murder and the case that remained unsolved had driven nearly every decision she'd made in the years that followed. She'd allowed it to dictate her career, influence her relationships, and, in essence, define her life. She was scared to let it go. She was scared she didn't know who she was without it.
It was Castle who had first pointed out this fact to Kate. During the fight they'd had just before Montgomery was killed, Castle had accused her of hiding in her mother's case because she was too scared to find out who she was without it. He'd told her she was afraid to be happy. On that day, she'd hurled back that he didn't really know her and thrown him out of her apartment, but she knew, even then, that he was right. She was hiding and she was scared. The afternoon she told Burke about the fight, it occurred to her that, if she hadn't been shot, things with Castle may have just gone on as if nothing had changed. Without that bullet, he might never have told her how he felt and she would have gone on hiding. Or worse, they may have never recovered from the fight in her apartment and she may have lost him. The prospect of not having him in her life at all scared her more than the words he whispered over her in the cemetery. While Kate could never, would never be glad she'd been shot, she had now spent enough hours sitting across from Burke to understand that getting shot had been a catalyst in her relationship with Rick.
Most of her sessions since Ryan's wedding had been spent talking through her fears surrounding her relationship with Castle. Her feelings were simple. She was in love with him. She knew that for certain. What Kate didn't know was how to find her way out of the mess she'd created by hiding and supressing her feelings for so long. Before she could return his words, Kate needed to find a way out from under her lie and work to repair the she damage she'd caused. The confessions were helping. They allowed she and Castle to talk openly about some other aspects of her life she found difficult to discuss; her father's addiction, her vulnerabilities and fears, her PTSD, and most importantly, his place in her life.
In the weeks since the wedding, Kate found her confessions centering around this last point. During the case involving the mayor, they'd argued and he seemed to be distancing himself. Kate chalked it up to nervousness over his place on her team. If Gates could remove him from the precinct, Kate imagined it would be easier for him to go if they were at odds. Once the case was resolved, she'd assured him that he was her partner and she would have fought Gates if she'd tried to send Castle packing. That night, crowded around her coffee table, between mouthfuls of Remy's, the two had discussed their unconventional partnership. Castle told her he wished he could do more to protect her; that he wished he had more than just his fists. Kate reassured him that, armed or not, she never felt safer than when he had her back. She was a one writer girl.
Their next case brought forth no new confessions from Kate. She considered telling him about Dr. Burke during the case with Royal and his crazy canine therapist. In the end, her fear won out and she didn't tell him. Instead, she opted for just spending time with him after they closed the case. They'd both concluded their respective lifestyles were not conducive to owning a dog. Kate remarked that she didn't need another pet to look after because Castle was enough work all on his own. When he pouted over her teasing, Kate invited him to join her the next day. She found a shelter that needed volunteers to spend time with the dogs waiting for adoption. The pair spent Kate's morning off racing around Central Park, alternating between chasing the dogs and each other. They ended their day in Kate's apartment. She made a pot roast and they shared an evening swapping stories about their favorite dishes; Kate's from when she was growing up and Castle's favorites to make for Alexis. Slowly, Kate was coming to realize that she didn't need to make confessions to open up to Castle. Sometimes, just talking was enough.
The case of the Blue Butterfly turned things upside down. This time, it was Castle who brought forth a confession. Castle became immediately engrossed in the history of the case. The diary of the old P.I. fascinated him. He spent time alternating between studying it and reading portions to her. She lost herself in his voice, but she didn't miss his slip about "Kate's heart" skipping a beat. When she pointed it out, he scoffed and quickly corrected it to "Fate's heart." Kate decided not to press the issue too much and was surprised when Castle mentioned it again after the case was closed. In the elevator, leaving Joe and Vera's, he turned to her and whispered, "I did say Kate."
Her brows knitted together and she turned to face him. "When? What do you mean?"
"When I was reading. I played it off as if you misheard me, but I didn't say 'Fate's heart skipped a beat,' I said 'Kate'."
Kate smiled softly. "I know, Castle. I knew your imagination was running wild through that diary."
Castle met her eyes and chuckled. "Yeah. It really was. You were right about another thing too. I was picturing us as the characters. I am fascinated by that time period in New York's history and it was just too easy. Plus, the way Joe wrote about Vera, it was impossible for me not to see you in those words. That's what I want for us."
Kate's breathing faltered at his honesty and the love shining in his eyes. Before she could formulate a reply, the elevator doors slid open. Castle tore his gaze from her and walked out into the lobby of the building. It took Kate a few seconds to realize she was alone in the elevator. She rushed catch up with him.
At the entrance to the building, she slipped her hand into his and gave it a slight squeeze. He paused just on the other side of the door and she whispered, "Me too, Castle. Me too. I know what I'm asking of you isn't fair, but I'm trying and we'll get there."
Castle didn't look at her, didn't say anything. He simply returned the squeeze to her hand and walked toward his side of the car.
A/N: Sorry this one took so long. Life got the better of me the last few weeks. Also, I apologize if this chapter is disappointing to anyone. It feels uneventful and transitional to me. I wanted to work through these episodes in order to spend time on "Pandora and Linchpin" without the chapter becoming marathon length. I also thought these episodes, about half way through the season, would be a good place to address some of what I think Kate is working to address and overcome. The good news... Those chapters are underway, so the wait shouldn't be as long. I continue to be overwhelmed by the love and support you're all showing this story.