If there are any mistakes, please let me know! I wrote this quickly and decided to post before I got a great look at it. Enjoy!
It was early on Monday morning as Hermione twisted her unruly hair up into a bun at the top of her head before securing it with a large black clip and smoothing it out as best as she could. She then applied a small amount of mascara and some lip balm before studying her reflection in the mirror. She smoothed out her crisp white top and pencil skirt, hoping that she looked professional enough to be taken seriously as she would be heading to the ministry for her trial-run a day before she officially started her new job. She tried to tame the pieces of her hair that had somehow already managed to fall out of her bun before giving up, letting out a sigh and turning around and exiting the bathroom of her temporary room at Grimmauld Place.
She had been 'back' for almost four weeks now, and so far, she had been throwing every ounce of her energy into getting her life back on track. She had, with the ministry's help, gone to Australia only a few days after her talk with Ginny. Her parents had fortunately been easy to find, and she had quickly been able to successfully restore their memories with no complications. They had been understandably upset when she had explained what she had done to them, but they had forgiven her, both of them unwilling to lose the relationship with their only daughter. She had stayed with them for almost two weeks, and she had taken that time to further repair their relationship as she had finally been able to tell them the whole story of what had happened to her. Then, with her help they had strategized their plans to return to London, planning to move back after taking care of all the necessary things in Australia.
When she had returned, she and Harry had made a trip to her childhood home to make sure that her parents had a place to return to. The yard had been extremely overgrown, and vines had started to climb up the once spotless bricks, but that was easily fixable. The inside had been dusty and stale, but otherwise everything had looked great and with Harry and Ginny's help, two days later the house was once again in tip-top shape and ready for her parents to arrive once they were finished wrapping up in Australia.
Slowly but surely, the wizarding community had learned of her miraculous return, and since then she had been getting tons of interview requests from the wizarding press, and to her surprise, a lot of fan mail from people thrilled that she was alive. The Daily Prophet had somehow gotten a picture of her the day that she and Ginny had traveled to Diagon Alley and gone to Ollivanders to get her a new wand, as she still had been using Bellatrix's. She wasn't at all comfortable with all the attention that she was getting, so from then on, if she had to venture out for any reason, she used glamour charms to change her appearance.
Without asking him to do so, Harry had talked to Kingsley when she had been in Australia about getting her a job at the ministry. Kingsley then had automatically offered her a job in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, and much to her embarrassment he had waived an official interview, even though she had tried to talk him into giving her one. He had insisted, and then had set a date for her to go in and learn what the job would consist of, assigning someone for the day to help her learn the ropes.
She was still at Grimmauld Place, but had found an apartment building that seemed perfect for her. It was close to the ministry and she had already paid the down payment and done the paperwork and would be moving in at the end of the week.
Since being back, her nightmares had unfortunately come back with a vengeance. Most of them involved her being tortured at Malfoy Manor, with the sound of Ron screaming her name coming from below. Slowly the dreams had evolved so it was now Ron being tortured, and by the time she managed to escape the cellar and make it to him, he was already dead, a frozen body on the floor. The nightmares made her scream out and make her whole body sweat so much that her sheets would be soaking wet by the time she realized what had happened. After the first few nights at Grimmauld Place, she had started to silence her room before she fell asleep, assuring herself that she would no longer be interrupting Harry and Ginny's sleep, even though she had a feeling that both Harry and Ginny knew that they were still happening. She had of course, continued to silence herself nightly in Australia, not wanting her parents to have to witness her having one either.
She hadn't seen or heard from Ron since the day that she had been back. She was still coming to grips with the fact that he was now a married man with a family and therefore, off limits to her. She missed him more than she could ever admit to him, and knew that she couldn't simply not allow him in her life, even if it was just as friends. She planned to go to his office and talk to him later that day after she was through with her training. Kingsley had assured her that the training would only be for a few hours so she was determined to talk to Ron while she was there, even though she was terrified to do so.
o
O
o
Ron was feeling productive as he scribbled down his notes at an unusually fast pace, feeling optimistic that he would be done early that day. He was right in the middle of a sentence when there was a light tap on his office door.
"Come in!" he yelled, not bothering to look up. Most likely it was just someone coming in to give him plans for an upcoming mission, or just to give him more paperwork.
He heard the door open and the sound of someone stepping in and closing it lightly behind them. When he heard nothing else but silence, he raised his head in irritation to see who was interrupting him.
He felt his heart leap into his throat when he saw Hermione, standing in front of the closed door, wringing her hands nervously and looking at him.
"Hey. Are you busy?" she asked quietly.
He wordlessly shook his head, dropping his quill onto his desk, his paperwork all but forgotten.
"Hi." he managed to say, despite feeling like his insides were liquid. When he had seen her the first time a few weeks ago he had still been in shock, and even until that moment he had somehow doubted that he had seen her at all and that she had just been a trick of his imagination. This time though, as she stood in front of him, familiar and very much alive, he knew that she was real.
She walked over and sat in the chair on the opposite side of his desk. "Ron, I'd like to apologize to you." she said quickly, as if she had forced the words out.
He didn't say anything for a few long seconds."That was formal." he said, just managing to keep his voice in check.
She managed a small smile. "No really. It was wrong of me to have turned you away like I did. You didn't deserve that."
"It's okay." he breathed. "You didn't deserve to go through what you went through either," he said softly.
He watched her gulp before staring down at her hands in her lap, avoiding his eyes. "The thing is Ron, I really don't want to lose you. I realized that I would rather have you in my life as a friend than to not have you in my life at all, no matter how hard that might be for me right now."
He nodded at her, the vulnerability in her voice making him feel like his chest was caving in. It was taking all of his self control not to throw himself over the desk and grab tightly onto her and never let her go.
"Yeah I'd like that Hermione." he agreed. "I've tried the whole 'not in my life' thing with you already and I've gotta tell you that it wasn't all that it's cracked up to be."
Her head snapped up to look at him, horrified. "Ron, that's not...that's not funny!"
"No. It really isn't." he said sadly.
For the first time since she had walked into his office, she really looked at him. He watched as she took a deep breath and turned her head away from him, her eyes landing on a framed photo on his desk of him and Iz hugging and kissing on Max between them.
He figured that she could only see half of it from where she was sitting, and knew that she was probably curious.
"You can look." he said softly, gesturing to the photo. "I don't mind."
He watched as she hesitantly reached out and turned the picture around so she could look at it. He watched her study it, her lower lip in between her teeth, her eyes wistful before putting the picture back down and looking at him.
"He's beautiful, Ron." she managed, her eyes filling with tears. "She...she is too."
"Thank you." he said, not knowing what else to say. None of this felt right. Hermione was an entirely different part of his life than Iz and Max were, and he had never imagined that those two parts would ever come together.
"I never meant to hurt you." he told her in just above a whisper, needing her to know that.
She looked up and gave him a small sad smile. "I know."
He leaned back some, folding his hands on his chest. "How've you been? Are you okay?"
She ignored his questions and started talking. "I went to Australia and restored my parents' memories. They are getting everything settled over there but then they are moving back to London."
He smiled at her. "Gin told me. I'm so glad to hear that."
"And I'm going to get my own place soon. There's a really sweet little apartment complex close to here that I'll be moving into at the end of the week."
"Oh." he said, surprised. "You won't be staying with Harry and Ginny anymore?"
"No. Not that they haven't been great of course, but I can't depend on other people for the rest of my life. I want to make my own way, you know?"
"You were always headstrong as hell," he smirked.
She let out a small laugh. "It will be Crookshanks and I against the world."
He chuckled. "I cant believe that that bloody cat is still alive."
"Don't you even try and pretend that you don't like him! Ginny told me that you two got pretty close after-" she stopped talking and looked at him apologetically.
"After I thought you had died, yeah." he finished her sentence.
"You sure are blunt." she admonished.
"It's just reality Hermione. I don't want to tiptoe around the truth, I want us to be honest with each other."
She turned her head towards the picture on his desk. "We can't be too honest with each other Ron." she said quietly.
He gave her a hard look before letting out a sigh. "Yeah, I know."
"We'll be okay, right?" she said in a small voice. "I really want us to be okay Ron."
He stared at her, studying every feature of hers that he had so missed. Her untamable hair, the light sprinkle of freckles across her nose, her dark and thick eyelashes. When he didn't answer, she looked up to see him staring and he heard her breath hitch.
"Why are you staring at me like that Ron?"
He slowly shook his head, his eyes losing their intensity. "Sorry. I didn't mean- it's just that- well, I really missed you Hermione." He longed to tell her more. To tell her that losing her had almost killed him, how he thought of her almost every second of every day. How she was still the most amazing and beautiful person that he had ever known, how every single cell in his body desired her, loved her. How even though he had sex countless times with Iz, that his one kiss with her had been the highlight of his life. But he knew that he couldn't tell her any of those things.
"We will be okay Hermione. We'll figure this out. It will get easier with time."
She nodded at him but didn't say anything.
"Can I ask you something?" he asked hesitantly.
"Yes." she responded slowly, looking at him curiously.
"When we were...when we were at Shell Cottage…"
He watched her wiggle a little uncomfortably in her chair at the mention of Shell Cottage. They had been so close then, he had spent those weeks every single second with her. At first, it had been helping her when she had been too weak to do much of anything, and even after she had regained her energy, he was still near her as a means of emotional support. He had held her as she had cried on countless occasions, had held her hand for most hours of the day, and eventually had even slept in the same bed as her, holding her as she slept. He remembered at first, the times that she had woken them all up with horrible screams and it had sounded as if she was being tortured all over again.
"What about Shell Cottage?" she finally asked, interrupting him from his thoughts.
"Well...Ginny might have accidentally let it slip that you're still having nightmares."
He watched as her eyes darkened in anger. "What?!" she exclaimed shrilly. "She had no right to tell you that!"
"She really did let it slip on accident I promise, try not to be too hard on her." he said quickly, not wanting Hermione to stop confiding in Ginny, as that was how he had learned about everything going on with Hermione.
She turned her head and let out an angry huff of air.
"I'm just concerned, Hermione." he went on, not wanting to drop the subject.
"Yeah well, it isn't your job anymore to be concerned is it Ron?" she snapped, her eyes instantly widening in regret. "Ron, I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"
He put his hands out, stopping her. "You're right. It is none of my business. But honestly Hermione, if you think that just because I'm married that I'm going to stop caring about you, you are wrong. I still care about you, I care about you a whole damn lot."
She seemed not to be able to say anything so he went on. "You seemed better at Shell Cottage, and I thought they had stopped."
She mumbled something but he didn't understand what she had said.
"What?" he asked, leaning forward a bit so he could hear her better.
"It's because you were holding me. When I was sleeping, if you were holding me...then I didn't have them." she looked up at him letting out a sigh.
He let out a breath and leaned his head back pulling his hands slowly down the front of his face. He had certainly not been expecting that answer and felt quite distressed by it. "Well, shit." he finally muttered.
"Yeah." she responded.
"I really..I really wish there was something I could do to help you." he said dejectedly.
"I know. But in time they'll stop."
He didn't say anything so she went on. "I'm fine Ron, really I am." she tried to assure him, but he wasn't assured in the slightest and when he again didn't say anything she started to stand up, straightening her skirt."I actually really should let you get back to work though. Earlier it looked as if you were busy."
He stood up and walked around his desk to lean on the front of it as she fully stood up from her chair. They stood there, neither one of them saying anything.
"Friends?" he whispered and he watched her nod.
He didn't know if he was supposed to, but he took a few steps towards her and slowly wrapped her in his arms. He felt as she let out a lungful of air as she sagged into his body, hugging him back. They both were holding on to each other too tight and too long to be considered a simple hug between friends, but neither one seemed willing to let go just yet. His nose was in her hair and he was breathing her in as if he would never be able to again. He knew that he couldn't have her, but at that moment, he would have given every single knut he owned to just hold her like this forever. He was overcome with love for her, along with the many other emotions that came with that, guilt, regret, yearning. He clenched his eyes shut, willing himself not to cry, as he knew that he wouldn't be able to stop if he started, and knowing that it would only make things harder for her.
Finally, she stepped back from him, and when she did he saw tears running down her face and his heart dropped.
"Hermione." he moaned as he reached out his hands to cup her face, his whole body aching at the sight of her obvious anguish.
She stood still and allowed him to wipe the tears away from her face softly with his thumbs as they finally looked at each other in a way that did not at all disguise what they were feeling. He could see the pain in her face, the longing for something that they both desperately wanted but couldn't have. He was positive that his face was mirroring hers as she reached up to gently grab his wrists and pull his hands away from her.
She sniffed before she took a step back, his hands slowly falling to his sides. She looked up at him again before putting her hand over her mouth as she stifled back a sob. "Ron. You've got...You've got to get to work, and I've got to go now." she said, her voice coming out shakily.
"Yeah." he put his hands in his auror robe pockets and stepped back. "I know that you start tomorrow, but I hope that the job is everything that you dreamt it would be, Hermione, and that you're happy."
"Thank you Ron. I hope you- I hope the rest of your day goes well." she responded before slowly walking backwards to the door, opening it behind her and quickly stepping out and pulling it shut behind her with a click that sounded like a gunshot.
He turned and collapsed in the chair that she had been sitting in, letting out a breath of air that he had been holding. He leaned his head over the back of the chair and groaned, his hands roughly rubbing his eyes.
"This is a good thing Weasley...a good thing." he muttered to himself. He tried to internally convince himself that being friends with her was enough for him, but the realistic part of him told him that he was an ignorant bloody fool.