PART 17

The reanimated body of Nicholas Flamel came out of the giftshop, under the control of The Cape. The Cape laughed like a proper megalomaniac.

"I have brought back Nicholas Flamel with the Philosopher's Stone! Perhaps I do have what it takes to become the next great Dark Lord one day! Father shall be so proud of me at last! Oi where'd you go?"

"Knock knock!"

The Cape looked around.

"Who's there?"

"Ben!"

"Ben who?"

"Ben Dover and blow me!"

The Mischief Managers did their surprise reveal, rolling out on their roller skates in their buttmasks and formal shorts, and carrying their briefcases and gadgets.

The Cape gasped.

"The Mischief Managers!"

"Oh, you remember us?" Sirius, or Misman Eggnog, twirled his rubber chicken.

The Cape put up his lovely nose.

"No."

"Now kindly hand it over!" said James, or Misman Shocko Hoops as he was known as when he was known as that.

"There's three of us and one of you. You have no chance!"

"I have no chance? Get them, Nick!"

Nicholas Flamel walked towards them, arms zombie-out, eyes aglow. He drooled and he reeked so badly of that formaldehyde and stilton.

"Do you want some gummy bears?" The Cape asked. "They're really useful!"

"Great, not just a twit, but an annoying twit, trying to be the next Wonka!" James muttered. And frankly it was a really weird thing to want!

Sirius pinched his nose. "I might have fags in my shorts. Can you get them out for me?"

"No."

"Do you know what I have?" Remus asked, with just an undertone of smug.

"An upside down butt mask?" Sirius replied.

"Nope."

"I can't let you do this super-gig with an upside down buttmask. It looks stupid."

Nick was getting closer and closer and he wasn't even very fast. That was enough time wasted on making sure Remus had his buttmask on right. The MisMen just didn't know how to defeat Zombie Nick using their gadgets only. All they had were a hand buzzer, a rubber chicken and a can of nuts that actually contained bubblegum snakes. What they needed was something to cut Nick's legs off.

The Cape, on the other hand, was just standing back and letting Nick do all the dirty work.

"One of us should just have a giant chainsaw," said Sirius.

"I am so glad you finally agree," said Remus.

"I forgot you felt that way so I don't now."

Then James decided to act.

"MisMan Shocko-Hoops! A wizard is never shocko-late!"

James sent an electric current at Zombie Nick. His shirt caught fire.

"Uuurrrrr!" Zombie-Nick tumbled down some stairs.

James blew out his hand buzzer, like it was a gun.

Then he saw that The Cape had gone.

"He's gone!"
"Down the stairs!" Sirius rolled to the stairs and hopped on the railing, as did the other chaps.

Nick was back on his feet and no longer on fire.

"Urrrr!"
Just WHAT were they to do now?

"Look!" said Remus, looking up at the ceiling. "Art!"
"Enough about The Last Supper, Mary Magdalene and old people rompy pompy!" said Sirius.

"No! It's modern art!"

"Anything but modern art!" James moaned.

"Look I said!"

Sirius looked up, as did James.

A large sheet of steel with a sharp edge hung up there, basically a giant razor blade. According to a sign, the piece of art was titled: Je Suis.

"Not bad," James had to admit. "I was expecting it to be embedded in smug artist's farts."

"No you're thinking of contemporary art," said Sirius.

"Didn't we refer to modern at as contemporary art in now times?"

"Well Andy Warhol is contemporary and he does modern art."

"Or, does he do contemporary art?"

"That giant razor blade," said Remus.

"Must have belonged to one giant werewolf,"Sirius agreed.

"It's comprised of all the razor blades-"

"-you've been through?"

"-I'm going to dismember you with, before I donate you to the museum."

"You're going to have to find a very big glass case. It's got to hold like a foot long."

"Are we talking duck feet?"

"No we're talking penis feet."

Back to that artwork.

"It's comprised of all the blades Flamel used to aquire his collection. They were arranged like this posthumously to create one giant blade."

A giant blade, it was the perfect weapon against Zombie Nick.

Sirius flung his boomerang rubber chicken with the brick inside at Zombie Nick so he fell over again. Then he flung his rubber chicken at the two attaching points of the giant razor blade so it fell and sliced Zombie Nick in half.

"MisMan Eggnog! Chicken McSuck-it!"

Remus rolled towards the bisected stuffy, but The Cape made his second surprise reveal and got there first. He removed the stone from Nick.

Remus whipped out his can of not-actually-nuts, shook it like a spray can and released the bubblegum snakes. They charged, they ensnared The Cape by his ankles. The Cape tripped and fell, the stone fell out of his hand. The MisMen hurried after it. Remus had been the closest, so he got to it first.

"Ok it's your catchphrase now!" said James.

"Um," said Remus, a little out of breath at the moment. "MisMan Peanut-"

"Macadamia."

"Uhhhh... Make love, not walnut?"

"Make love, not walnut?"

The Cape's legs were entirely ensnared by bubblegum snake.

"Give it back!" he said.

The chaps had the stone. All they had to do was leave. Only a small gummy bear stood between them and the doors. James flattened it with his rollerskate.

"That's what I think of gummy bears!"

The Cape smirked. The gummy bear began to swell and grow into a very, very large and menacing gummy bear that refused to let the chaps leave the museum.

"AHAHAHA!" The Cape laughed like he had rehearsed it. "Try to flatten it now! Now it is going to eat you all! You will suffocate inside its body and then the stone SHALL BE MINE!"

The giant gummy bear roared and chased the Mismen away from the doors. The Mismen could not outrun it. The gummy bear grabbed them, one by one, and devoured them.

The world became green. The chaps couldn't breathe inside the gummy bear. The last thing they'd ever see was the Icelandic Dong Museum through green jelly.

They were beginning to lose consciousness and were hardly aware or what was happening anymore.

Then another superhero appeared!
He was short, he was plump and he was dressed in green flypaper. He had tentacles coming out of his sides, with monstrous heads that looked like flower buds with shark teeth. He was also surrounded by flies. And covered in them.

The Cape was so surprised he stopped fueling his sinister gummy bear arts to see what this new person was about.

"I heard the buzz!" said the new superhero, hands on hips.

The Cape gasped. "It's The Poo!"

"I'm not The Poo! I'm the Fly Trap!"

The huge gummy bear attracted The Fly Trap's army of living flies. The flies, in turn, attracted his army of venus fly traps and they began to bite a hole in the gummy bear. The chaps poured out when it got big enough, gasping for air because The Fly Trap truly stunk!

"We can't breathe!" they gasped.

The Cape was struggling with the smell as well. He was gagging.

"I need gummy bears!" he said and stuck two up his nose. "There. All better. So useful."

But not for long! He got flies in his throat and began to cough, utterly disgusted. The Fly Trap ran to the MisMen.

"Are you alright?"

"Super," Sirius replied, "Thanks a lot, The Poo..."

"I'm not The Poo! I'm The Fly Trap!"

"Could you keep the flies away from us?" James asked.

"Oh no it's in my gum!" Remus complained, forcing him to take out his gum and stick it under the nearest desk.

"Fags, anyone?" Sirius asked. "They're soooooooooo useful!"

It was true, the flies hated the cigarette smoke and kept well away from Sirius.

"I'll have one of those," said James.

"Here you are. Moo, can I interest you in one of these? They're really useful!"

"You have a problem," Remus replied.

"My problem is that you are refusing my help."

"Your problem is you have cigarette marks in your nostrils."

"It's better than plucking bubblegum from my nasal hairs for a month."

"... Touché."

Meanwhile the Cape was waving off flies desperately while several venus fly traps kept nipping at him.

"Not the flies! Not the flies!" cried The Cape.

"Say you've surrendered!" The Fly Trap demanded.

"I surrender! I surrender!"

"Jolly good, then!"

The Fly Trap made the fly traps leave The Cape alone and turned his back on him.

"Come with me!" he said to the MisMen. "I shall escort you to safety!"

"The Fly Trap, look out!"

The Fly Trap looked around. Then he looked up. A monsoon of gummy bears washed over him. He tried to escape being buried, but they were so many he stood no chance against being buried alive.

"Stand back, MisMen!" said The Cape. "If you want to save The Fly Trap, you know what to give me!"

The MisMen would have given him the stone. But they could see somebody coming behind The Cape, and hear the rollerskates. And thuds when he fell over.

"What are you all looking at?" The Cape asked. "Come on! I haven't got all night!"
MisMan Latte was right next to him now, wearing that buttmask and boob apron. The Cape did not notice him at all.

"Well?" he asked the MisMen, getting more and more irritated. "Why are you just standing there all quiet? I understand that I am terrifying, but based on what I've read about you in the press I would have thought you were made of tougher stuff than this!"
MisMan Latte, or Peter, could see that The Cape did not even know he was there, and he wondered if he was expected to do something heroic now. He had been in the loo for so long, he had really hoped the whole thing had been sorted out by now.

Meanwhile The Fly Trap was crying after help under a hill of gummy bears that was still growing.

"Come oooonn!" The Cape nagged. "The Fly Trap is dying over there! You call yourselves super heroes?"

If Peter didn't act soon, James, or Sirius, or Remus would have to because their patience was wearing thin as well. Peter on the other hand could not understand why they didn't just do something. They weren't exactly busy looking.

Then a fly got lodged in his throat and he began to cough. A lot. A really lot. A really really lot, it echoed so much. The Cape didn't notice him until he got spit on his cheek. He wiped it off and turned to the new MisMan.

"The hell are you?"

Terrified, Peter pressed the boobs on his novelty boob apron in sheer flight-or-flight panic, squeezing jets off asses milk all over The Cape's face.

The Cape ran into the shadows, crying.

"Noo I'm lactose intolerant!"

And he was gone. It stopped raining gummy bears over The Fly Trap.

"You have to say a catch phrase!" Remus told Peter.

"OK!" said Peter, euphoric that he had gotten rid of The Cape. "MisMan Latte! My milkshake brings all the boys to The Yard!"

They all agreed that was the best catchphrase in the history of catch phrases.

All the gummy bears vanished. The Fly Trap was on his feet and well.

"Where's The Cape?"

"He's gone now," said Sirius.

"Oh good. My work here is done."

Indeed the MisMen were done here as well.