I made a bit of a mistake before when I stated the order in which everyone had become S-Class. Whoops. Oh well, this is a comedic au anyway. There's some wiggle room there.

The paperwork situation wasn't quite what Mystogan had expected.

Somehow it was worse.

Not only had Erza destroyed her mountain, and Levy (plus her team) collapsed that one ancient tomb, but at least three other incidents demanded Mystogan's full care and attention. Three. Which was three too many. Actually, no. It was five too many. The Erza and Levy things did not happen to other guilds. Just to Fairy Tail. And maybe sometimes Phantom Lord, but those generally evolved from spats between the members and the clients rather than massive area damage. (Although sometimes said spats did escalate to that when they involved conflicts between members of both Phantom Lord and, again, Fairy Tail.)

The first of the new reports was brief, stating that a miscommunication over Warren's telepathic line resulted in a set of fireworks going off at the wrong angle, or at the wrong time, or the wrong materials (Mystogan wasn't completely sure; in addition to the distressing content, the verbiage on these reports was difficult to parse for someone whose formal education ceased when he was about twelve). Not too much damage overall aside from one lost building roof and a couple of seared onlookers, which was a minor miracle. The report was more of a general complaint from what Mystogan could decipher.

The second of the reports was actually much more similar to Phantom Lord's issues than the normal destruction variety. It involved a guild member Mystogan vaguely recalled speaking up during Makarov's unemployment announcement – the orange haired man named Loke. The man had apparently flirted with the client's wife in front of him and said wife decided to gift Loke some expensive magic jewelry that had been a gift from her husband, and had then left her husband to follow after Loke and judging by the description of the woman Mystogan could conclusively say that she had, indeed, done just that because she sounded very similar to one of the women he'd seen with the man just the day prior. But long story short… the client was now blaming Fairy Tail as a whole for the debacle. So in addition to the damages incurred by the other members, Fairy Tail was also now being sued.

As for the final report… that's where the true destruction lay. For a member of Fairy Tail – one Laki Olietta (whom Mystogan could not mentally place for the life of him) – had grown an entire forest in the middle of a popular hot spring resort. The roots of which had then buried deep enough to find the source of the hot spring. Whereupon the forest promptly caught fire and burned down. But not before taking three outbuildings with it. As if that was not enough, boiling water and poisonous volcanic gases then surged forth from the new tunnels created by the aforementioned (and now disintegrated) forest root system and rendered the entire surrounding area completely unfit for human habitation.

Between Erza and this mysterious Laki, Mystogan wasn't sure who had succeeded in causing the most damage. It was almost as if there was a competition or something.

…Then again, knowing Makarov, that was entirely possible. What would the reward for that even be? Jail time? Because that's where most of the members were heading at this rate.

The rest of the packet that Mirajane had delivered to him had been filled with complaints about Gray being naked in public. About fifteen such reports, in various places around the country but at least four occurring in Magnolia itself and one notable incident involving a foreign dignitary who had assumed that since a local was wandering around naked, that meant that it was an acceptable practice in Fiore and had followed suit (or rather… his lack thereof).

It was at this point that Mirajane took pity on him and brought him up a full breakfast and a pitcher of water, claiming that it would help to ease his hangover if he was properly hydrated and had grease in his stomach. Mystogan didn't have the heart to tell her that Cana had already convinced him to shotgun several raw eggs earlier that morning in the name of curing his hangover. Then again, he'd already thrown those up so technically speaking his stomach was empty again. The nausea, however, remained in full force.

Seeing an opportunity, Mystogan decided to take up the offer of Mirajane's help extended to him from Makarov. "Mirajane, can you possibly help me with something?"

Her eyes lit up. "Sure thing, what do you need?"

Oh, good. That meant he wasn't imposing. "I'm a little at a loss for what I'm supposed to do here," he confessed, gesturing to the paperwork. "Makarov didn't explain what was expected of me very well." Or at all, actually. "How… am I supposed to handle this?" Cana wasn't around to ask – she was presently disposing of the porn stash and the remains of a rather large bottle of hard liquor that had been labelled: Open In Case of Natsu. (To Cana's visible disappointment, it had been mostly empty.)

Mirajane contemplated his question, tapping her fingertip against her chin as she thought. "I'm not completely sure, to tell you the truth. I think he burned a few documents the other day. The city wasn't super pleased by that, by the way, so you may end up receiving a complaint about the bonfire."

Absolutely warranted.

"I suppose you could look through the back-filed reports though," she continued. "There should be at least a few in the filing cabinets. Seeing what was done before should help you figure out how you should proceed."

That… was a good idea, honestly. "Thank you, Mirajane. I appreciate it."

She smiled at him, the corners of her eyes crinkling in genuine sentiment. "It's no trouble at all. Please let me know if you need anything else. I'm more than happy to assist." She paused for a heartbeat, and then added, "And if you find the stamp in the process, that would be wonderful."

Sweat ran down the back of Mystogan's neck. He'd been so distracted by the porn magazines that he'd forgotten all about the stamp that had led to their discovery in the first place. "Yes. I will keep an eye out for it."

Once Mirajane left, locking the door behind her, Mystogan consumed a hefty portion of the breakfast she left for him. Surprisingly… it did help with the nausea. Mirajane was onto something with her hangover cure. Although now he was wondering just why Cana had him eat the raw eggs instead of this.

Feeling much better, he felt ready to try standing up. When he didn't vomit, he took it as a good sign. In addition to the damage reports, he decided it would also be a good idea to look for the member records. If he was going to do this job, it would behoove him to learn the faces and names of the people he was now the employer of.

He soon found that this had been overly optimistic of him.

Mostly because he could find no such records.

Makarov, as it turned out, used his own unpatented "file-by-feel" system. Literally nothing was filed in any sort of recognizable pattern. It wasn't alphabetical. It wasn't grouped by type. Hell, it wasn't even chronological. And as far as he could tell, there were no member records. Nothing whatsoever that indicated who was and wasn't a member of the Fairy Tail guild. So far he'd only found a few unpaid bills (a problem all its own that he'd tackle later) and some other papers he couldn't make heads or tails of quite frankly.

Where were the damned reports?! Also, there was no way this one room contained all of the records from Fairy Tail's near century of operation. So where in Earthland was everything else?

Just as he was trying to wrap his brain around the enormity of the task before him, a knock resounded on the door.

"Yo, it's Cana. Open up."

Oh thank goodness.

Standing behind the door, Mystogan opened it and hid behind it as it swung inwards. It wasn't that he didn't trust Cana to let him know if there was someone with her, he was just being cautious in case someone else had decided to come upstairs as well. Cana had been nothing but kind to him thus far, and had even taken care to hide his face when she brought him to the infirmary the day prior. In Mystogan's book, that was akin to a life debt. After she fully entered, he shut the door and locked it again behind her.

"So how's it go…" Cana's voice trailed off as she surveilled the fruits of his efforts to locate the paperwork he needed. Namely the fact that there were now several files strewn about on the floor haphazardly in the name of his desperate search for order in Makarov's chaotic filing system. "Well I can see you've been a busy bee. Find what you were looking for?"

"No." Mystogan's response was emphatic. "I did not. How does Makarov find anything in all this?"

Cana stared at him, perplexed. "I don't know what you mean." She gestured towards the mess he'd made. "Pretty sure the room was clean just a bit ago."

"No. I mean… I can't figure out how he finds anything in the cabinets," he clarified. "There's no rhyme or reason to the filing that I can see."

She continued to regard him oddly. "…But isn't it obvious?"

It was Mystogan's turn to stare dumbly back at her.

With a shrug, Cana made her way to the nearest cabinet, not caring that she was stepping on the contents of other files in the process. "What were you looking for?"

"List of guild members past and present."

"Yeah I can tell you now that it doesn't exist. Anything else?"

Wonderful. "Previous reports? Preferably something with Erza." He paused, and then tacked on, "And the more recent the better."

Understanding creased her face. "Got it." She then moved to a different cabinet, much closer to the desk. Leaning down, she pulled out the bottom drawer, thumbed through a couple of files, and then pulled one out. Straightening up, she handed it to him. "Here. This is from a month or so ago. That work for you?"

He took it and scanned over the contents. It was exactly what he needed.

"How?" he asked, looking up. His eyes bored into Cana's as he repeated, "How?"

Cana smiled at him. "Isn't it obvious though?"

"No!" he told her, shaking the file at her. "No it isn't!"

A laugh overtook Cana at his reaction. "It's filed by height!" she informed him. "Makarov is short, so he files the more important things to him in easy reach."

So that was why all the booze and porn was in or around his desk. Easiest access for the old man.

Mystogan looked down at the file in his hands, and at the cabinets, before finally gazing at Cana once more. "That…" he began softly, "…is not… going to work… for me."

Walking over to him, Cana patted him on the shoulder. "Then you have your work cut out for you."

That was certainly the unfortunate truth.